Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Not Singing, Blues

So day two, another mile on the elliptical after softball after a 12 hour day at work and just 300 calories. Blurry eyes stare at this screen. and I was doing well. And then, the loved longed for love...


sometimes you only get half the story... I scrolled through thousands of images to find the ones in this entry, maybe to prove a point, maybe to get a message out here to someone or anyone or no one.... two nights ago, or so, I wrote this (and tonight I elaborate with depressed irreverence, or perhaps irreverent depression, seriously? lol...

These are the nights it is most challenging not to snack or eat too much. Even though I have softball early tomorrow (I think this was Saturday night). Sometimes I just want to know I'm cared about (and the silence becomes deafening, so I talk to myself in words that pour out on the a page like this cuz at least I care) and some nights I just want to share something, talk, walk, game, song, something (so I write cuz sharing takes two and I am alone, but I can pretend I am two... or I can pretend you are listening, caring, sharing)....

I don't reach the point of writing you too often anymore (who could that be now?). It's a little sad that I have gotten so used to being alone that I don't get this lonely anymore (see, just a couple of days and blah, who cares, move alone, nothing to see here, just a pathetic lonely kid looking for attention and amusing himself with words). Maybe I do (what?... feeling lonelier than the loneliest lonely one in the universe ever?), I just ignore the Whipporrwills lol, sigh. :)

I want to trust someone (I think. Really, I do, but I don't really trust people based on their inconsistencies, insensitivities, and lack of awareness) and get close to someone again (I would love to, but who wants to get near my brand of honesty, which is completely open and unafraid?), I just don't know anyone I want to trust and get close to (come on, prove me wrong, I dare you). People just seem so emotionally messed up to me (I wish someone would prove me wrong, really I do). Is that all in my mind, or elitism, or ego, or wrong? (still nobody answers, not even the ones who say they care the most, so it must be all in my mind, right?)

I don't think so.

I don't want to sleep with drama, confusion, and fear anymore. Aain and agin I ask, do you know anybody who'd got none of that? lol (and I laugh through the jeers, see rainbows through the tears, am tired of the fears that stops anyone who cares, so no one shares, so no one shares, oh... no one shares). Wah wah wah, nobody wants to come to my pity party (but it's my party and I'll cry if I want to cuz you don't own me... yeah, anybody get the references?

Ok, stop now.

I'm not really asking you for anything, so stop your guilt (and if you don't learn how to so you can be closer to others, you're relationships will always be on the brink of failure, cuz your guilt is your wall, and I think you know that by now.... Have you looked at the graphic and idea in the last email yet?... You need to be in the upper right quadrant, we all do... tell me if you think you don't, really... most people aren't ad wonder why they have issues and confusion and emotional challenges or obstacles).. I may share that graphic with you some time, but for now, I haunt you with the greatest comedian ever...

Partly lol. sigh, do you get it yet?

Just writing this to you helps me believe I am not as alone as I feel right now, so thanks. I hope you can understand the good feeling and not focus on your guilt or the loneliness. Diminishing the loneliness is a good feeling. :)

I will try to get some sleep now (I lied, just as I am lying now, because food is cooking and I will start today, which is the day after the 300 calorie day, with at least 1000 calories, and then fall asleep. Fool, whatever, who cares). Yeah, there was softball at Red Bud tomorrow, bad news field (twice put me in the ER and several times put me close to going, but every time it is just uncomfortable because there's no water or shade and there are crappy bathrooms and I've got this body that needs water and shade and clean facilities.

Naturally, the truth comes out. If you paid attention, you'd have known. That's probably a large part of why I am not sleeping. And you thought it was just loneliness.... actually, the body increases the loneliness cuz nobody knows and nobody cares to know and nobody cares to care to inquire... I go through my days hoping I don't have to poop, like there tomorrow, and hoping I won't be in pain all week from dehydration does to my gastrointestinal tract...

I'm not gonna give in to this body though. Not no way, no no how (thank you lion). Never give up, never surrender. I'm not gonna sit home so I can be near a bathroom. Just need to not let this get me lonely and feeling alone like this... am I rambling... am I confusing you?... am I leaving out information? (Well, the parentheses were not in the original, because I protect you from stuff that will trigger your guilt and make you sad and helpless and ashamed that you don't care more about me, so no worries, you didn't get the parentheses and likely will never see this entry, so all is well... for you). That's just the way I love sometimes.

Ok, this feels better.

Yup. Telling you and believing you care. Thank you for that. I do believe you care, not just because I know in your heart you really want to but you're just afraid to, feeling inadequate and overwhelmed by your own feelings of helplessness and confusion and guilt and shame and all that mixed-up puddle of thinking errors that you drown your mind in. I wish you'd stop cuz it hurts you most.

Hopefully I'll be feeling great tomorrow during and after practice (I felt tired, but I also felt good, and whatever, I forget the rest, because, well, oh, forget it).

Hopefully you didn't buy a knife set lol (inside joke).

If you did, tell me and I'll take it back and get something else...


And then, tonight, I wrote this...

Oh well, I came to whine a bit... wishing you would care enough to KIT when it mates most... second night on the elliptical after softball after 12 hours at work... feeling old (tell me I can still do this)... sucks to feel old (especially alone with no one to believe in me)... gonna keep trying to do a mile a night (push for more) and hope I feel less old soon (hope, alone, but still, hope)... laughing (genuinely laughing, the madness of wanting to be one with someone else while knowing that is impossible without mutually shared delusion which can be mutually assured destruction and still, part of me want to take that change again...

if someone would convince me they are worth it, but there's no one even close to trying and sadly, no one even encouraging me to believe it could happen... not even my bestest closest friends), but still not happy about feeling old... sucks to grow old alone (when nobody cares)... sucks to feel old pushing exercise and wondering if I can do what I did just last year (that can be scary, to die without love... I can die, that's the easy part, but without love, it's so much sadder... one of these years it'll be no more... no more chances... gotta be my own coach... my own best friend... my own positivity... my own hope... do it for me...

ok, no more whining (oh really?)...

pushing used to be fun... pushing this body, that is... challenging me to be better each day... hope it will be again... soon... gotta just keep pushing... 300 calories today, that's good... at least it was until after midnight... softball and elliptical, that's good.... though softball mildly sucked due to two of the worst umps around and a team of wanna be home run hitters who fly out 9 out of 10 times)... there's always hope I won't always be alone, that's good (even if I'm the only one who knows or cares or believes in me)... i'm not dead yet (monty python joke lol, bring it), that's good... i'm still laughing (mostly) at the landslide coming at me, that's good... songs, films, so much more... where are you?... I still believe in you, that's good (even if you don't care if I do or don't most of the time)....

hope is good...

are you eating as you should?

I'm here to coach with unconditional love and and nobody can have enough coaches with unconditional love, ya know? (I want t believe you know).

you can do it!


And tonight I cooked four chicken wings, two fish fillets, four shrimp rolls, and a small pile of onion rings. Fried over food. I could have been asleep. I should have been asleep. I want more. The pathos of loneliness combined with the ethos of wanting to share and the emptiness of having no one to share with and the wisdom to know the delusion is folly while the world looks outside and above and below and the awareness to know the answers are all inside and the magic of being able to share that illusion of infinite connection and...

The truth is...



and yet, with hope, there is always hope.

So what were you doing tonight?

Narf :)