Saturday, November 16, 2019

Plans Are for Sissies

I find plans are so often changed that I learned a long time ago to not care much about plans. I do my best to remember them and meet others when we schedule time together but suddenly changing plans do not upset my equilibrium nearly as much as they seem to do for others. Living in the moment has always been my way, even when the moment might be seriously nostalgic (and lots of moments are) or exploring dreams of tomorrows. I learned how to roll with the flow, adapt to sudden changes, and enjoy the spontaneity of life and usually actually look forward to it. I even love getting lost and finding my way back to wherever I intended to go by exploring different paths. So while I am teasing myself and planners in the title, I laugh at the folly of plans when plans don't quite go according to, well, plans.

Two days ago TA said he was glad the kids were not here this week because both have colds. They seem to be sick a few times a year, especially the little one. So I wake up, head in the bathroom for a shower, and before I start I hear her coughing and calling for daddy. Her cough sounds like a whooping-cough an she doesn't cover her mouth, even when standing in front of the open fridge, so no cooking for me while she's here, no using the kitchen, guess who starts a weekend fast right now? And I bought all this food in the fridge that doesn't need cooking. May be garbage now. Alas, living with kids more than I planned, but I still love the space. If she spent more time out of the kitchen central to the place, it might not be so intrusive, but that's her favorite room and it's usually a mess because she doesn't clean up behind herself, makes goop, slime, and other sticky stuff, and leaves her stuff everywhere. She's sitting in the kitchen coughing now. TA just coughed too. She sleeps in his bed, so he'll be sick too soon, f he isn't already. Parents need rest and boundaries too, but that's life with kids, not much of either.

This was not supposed to be a kids weekend and that, combined with the cold germs flying through the air, and my filter-less wake-up babbling process, bring this entry to the fold. Not complaining, processing, in case you jut read the words and don't care to know the deeper reasons and meanings. Empathy is now winning out, as usual, as is my nurturing core, so I'll encourage her to stay here and rest if TA wants that. He said she's just here for the morning cuz her mom is working today. I mean, I don't want to be sick and I've noticed this body kicking the immune system into gear after they spent Wednesday night here, but caring and nurturing is in my nature and even tough I have learned to stop doing it as actively as I used to, out of respect for others as much as out of protection for myself, I still love the giving of time, energy, and space of caring for others. That was my profession for most of this life, after all. I miss the cuddling, the intimacy, the trust, and the gift of giving all of my sensitivity and attention and self to a therapeutic interaction, but I am at a stage in life where I want to separate from humanity more than I have in the past. Maybe it is preparing for death. People do not handle that well, after all.

So anyway, I woke up rested and bubbly, which is why I a writing and not brooding over the recently rising loneliness and lack of privacy, and this bit of babble has be bubbling again. I intend to withdraw into my world and write more and finish laundry (though TA already threw a load in so I'll start again after he's done because I left my work pants in the dryer and they may need to be washed again to get wrinkles out. They spent two hours in the dryer last night and the load was still not dried well. I don't think the dryer is circulating air. It gets hot, so clothes bake instead of drying. That is one reason I only wear five pairs of pants, one for each work day, and leave all the others in the closet. They are getting worn out in his washer and dryer and I don't want that to happen to the rest of my clothes. Shirts are starting to show the wear too. Underwear doesn't last more than a half dozen wash/dry cycles. Clothes aren't made to be steam-baked lol. I miss my washer/dryer.

So what else is new? Busy busy busy work these days, haven't gotten out to the parks and inspections in several weeks, at least. The other departments and contractors have dragged their feet and are way behind the ETAs they scheduled, so the County Manager's office (CMO) and Commissioners are asking why they don't see progress on the project and my boss, who is Project Manager, is going to be on the hot seat Monday when he meets with the Deputy County Manager to explain the delays. Unfortunately, poor planning from the start, bringing key players in way too late, and very unreliable other managers have put him behind an eight ball and he does not have time to crack a whip on every step of every detail every single day, but that is what is needed on this one. So I basically took the role of project manager this week and I've been pushing for answers from others who are behind on their schedules. They are lucky I am only CCing my boss, because if the CMO saw my questions and their lack of answers (or excuses), they might not have jobs or contracts. If I was in charge, we'd be replacing at least one high level manager and we'd be looking for other contractors.

Around the house, beyond this mornings surprises and the usual whatever, the kitchen didn't stay clean and tidy for long as the clutter, crumbs, stickies, and other debris returned to the counters within a day or two. The sink remains full of dishes and the clean stuff in the dishwasher remains in the dishwasher. Eventually, I'll get tired of the mess and fill the dishwasher again, usually emptying it before I do, but sometimes... well, the rebel child remains active in my brain lol. I keep a small portion of counter clean for my food prep and cooking and leave the stuff from last weekend's tacos TA cooked up for hi and the kids and the rest as it is. Not as big a deal as it might have been for me when I was younger, I've accepted people and their habits when sharing space and work around any untidiness that comes with. He did get the garbage out Thursday, which is good because it was a week's worth as Monday was a holiday and I slept through the morning.

My cluttered unpacking process remains a mess in my living sauces, but there's no food for bugs or germs in my stuff. I may unpack a few more garage boxes today, or at least bring a few more into the living room where they have a better chance of being unpacked, being right under my nose lol. Did I give the impression I was some sort of neat freak in the previous paragraph (or ever, for that matter)? lam, oh just roll with the babbling dissatisfaction with the imperfections of life and forget them as quickly as I do and you'll not only live a much happier, less stressed life, but you may even come to some bit of understanding me one of these days.

Writing and revealing continues even though I don't mention it much.

I watched The World According to Jeff Goldblum and still would have liked him as a friend, but worse, I want ice cream now. Not his flavor though, way too too green I think, even if I was curious about the flower's taste. Lunch was a meatloaf sandwich on onion roll with chocolate milk. I think I am going to turn on the new Captain America with what's her name now while I either vege or look through some boxes or both. I do miss sharing dinners out with friends, but I do enjoy watching my bank account rise, so incentive to initiate spending money is at a low ebb these days. Any wonder why the loneliness is on the rise? I suppose I should masturbate, or something like that. Always better when not planned, ya know?

So what's your Saturday turning out to be?

Hope it's fun too :)

Narf :)