Where Is The Babble?

Somewhere out there, over the rainbow or under the bridge, somewhere inside, not just a magnet caught on a fridge. It really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right where I belong I'm right where I belong. So maybe someone somewhere might have imagined asking me how am I. How are you? Yes, you too, but this is about me. You're not here, after all. So you want an answer? Do I?

I don't know why I'm here, but I know I am.

Watch now as the brief email to a dear other morphs into the answer to the question, if asked, it's good to have some sort of answer prepared, I mean, in case it matters, right? I don't sit down to write as much as I used to and I definitely don't tell anyone much of what is going on in my life cuz that seems to drive people away and I don't want that, but I did want to share the hematologist appointment today went well and he doesn't want to see me for another 6 months which is a good thing. You like good news, right? I must call my other docs to make appts for other stuff - just need to make time to look up the telephone numbers (the phone died almost two weeks ago, in case you didn't know). Anyway, I stopped here to poop shower and change before I head to work and just wanted to say hi and give you good news cuz I know you care and I want you to know I appreciate you. :)

Yes, that was one answer alright. Maybe as positive as it gets, but not everything is hunky dory, peachy keen, or even alright. The phone saga was emotionally (or maybe just psychologically) traumatic (or maybe just dramatic). Is there anyone ever going to listen to my story? Much doubt smothers hope these days, but hope still lives somehow under it all. So in the event that the answer is yes, and you are out there waiting, here is another answer to the question how am I? morphed from another brief email to another friend. Friends inspire me to start exploring and assessing and facing the reality I may ignore at times without a friend who cares enough to ask, and I share the answer here with the hope that someone will want to come closer and be the close friend in physical space, maybe even a partner in something, life or more, I mean, in case you wondered.

Better, worse, what day is it? lol Sigh. Yeah, so anyway, I miss you. Been a long time.

Softball has been rained out a lot. I'm vegetating, but restricting calories enough to have dropped weight. Not eating balanced or as healthy as I can, but fewer calories. You really want to know?

Well if you must (know, that is.. oh, and don't let my nonchalance fool you, I appreciate caring so much more than ever these days... there is an infinite insatiable desperation just under the skin, alas, which is why no one comes near anymore... maybe), the very painful bleeding poops are back, as is (I strongly suspect) C.Diff. Yes, not all the news is good, but who really wants to know, right? I called the GI doc today and someone will get back to me. I also made an appointment for Monday with my new primary about the leg bruise that remains from early February that started these last four months of spiraling health issues, though the baffling buttocks has been on again off again for a few years now. Doctors do not seem to find anything wrong, yet the poop experience is very wrong too often and the rate of that is increasing to almost every poop. Yes, this is not a poop joke.

Anyway, the leg got infected and started the whole C.Diff merry-go-round. I am wondering if it is a deeper infection that exploded into my renal system ad mouth and glands and so on that re-started the C.Diff part two. I still need to get to a dermatologist for several reasons and who knows what can of worms that will open. I'll ask my primary to remind me who she recommended. One of the frustrations is that I can't take baths here and baths are an important part of treatment for the anal fissures.

Meanwhile, on other numerical journeys, glucose was 161 in last week's labs, so it remains too high even though I lost more than 10 pounds. Diet. Exercise. I am not doing that well and this living environment is not helping me do anything better. More and more of me is giving up. The last labs didn't check cholesterol cuz they were part of my nephrology follow-up. At least the Nephro said all is well and he doesn't need to see me for another six months. So maybe the medical report ends with some good news.

That's all I remember at the moment. The mind wants to shut down. The body is obviously deteriorating and a rapidly increasing pace and I am not doing much about it. I am not sure how much of that is waiting for someone to actually care to ask or even notice or just me giving up on this whole life experience and accepting the inevitability of death.

Gee, how dramatic. Sometimes experiencing this life as an outsider watching it from a distance is not the best way to stay alive lol.

I still love to laugh :)

Meanwhile, the world needs healing, and the medicines are know. Governments have made them illegal, but governments can only stop waves, they cannot stop floods. We need another flood.

And I am still a psychonaut, though I never liked the name.

So how are you?

Narf :)

One of Those 50 Things, Or 200.

This is a ridiculous exercise repeated many times by many people.

Long ago, I did it many times too too too too too too too .

I wonder what we will learn about me this time.

It is challenging for me to say yes to help.

I am addicted to playing softball.

I pitch.

I have a lot of tournament winner and league championship T-Shirts.

I like T-Shirts.

My phone died suddenly and nothing was backed up.

It is a very uncomfortable experience.

That is because I have many obligations and no calendar to remind me.

Not numbers to call to verify or reconnect with the flow of life.

This is momentary.

Like life.

I am torn between iphone and android. I have all these iphone cables. Other cables are buried in storage and I don't have time to go there to search. I don't have time to shop well. On the other hand, everything I am reading says Android is better. I'm not ready to make to make a decision.

Does that could as 1 or 7?

I pay too much for my phone plan.

I need Precious to get a job and pay for her phone.

I need time.

I need to lose weight.

I need sleep.

I will think about it.

There are no words to say thank you enough.

I don't eat as healthy a diet as I should.

I don't eat a lot.

Still bloated.

I have many doctors, specialists, and vampires.

I only started collecting them this year.

I didn't have insurance for years.

I was very rich once.

I've been homeless twice.

Maybe three times.

I'm poor again.

I accept donations.

I've been picking myself up my entire life, from birth, all by myself.

It is what I am used to.

I'm just tired of it.

I'm tired of alone.

I'm tired of living like a refugee.

I'm tired of feeling bloated.

I want chocolate.

I have to get up early for more medical tests tomorrow.

I mis sharing memories.

Wish I could sleep more.

I a tired of seeing big boobs on TV when all I want as small boobs.

I am tired of seeing boobs in politics.

I don't mean breasts.

I am tired of having boobs.

I do mean breasts.

I am tired of being a boob.

Have we learned anything worth the time we are writing/reading?

What?

We won yesterday, 11-1... We are 6-1 two games in first with 3 to go. Might have my first T-Shirt since 2016. The Dallas tourney we won this year didn't give T-Shirts, cheapskates.

Will lose big tomorrow, twice, screwed by the organizers of the league, A team dropped out so they grabbed anyone last minute and gave me to them as a pitcher. A mostly middle D team playing C-B teams. it happens. Still it gets me out playing another night, must play to live.

For a few years I played softball six days a week.

I have yet to meet anyone who understands me.

I am always hoping.

Always longing to share.

Always hungry.

Always bloated.

Thinking.

I have been much happier than I am at this moment.

I am still the happiest child I know.

I sometimes hide it well.

I write a lot.

I still want to know about you.

Reflections On V2T (Part 2)

Relentless in my pursuit of the hands-free blogging method, I continued attempting to use voice to text (V2T) so I could interact with the animals at Brandy and Jackson's place while I was house/pet sitting because they (the animals) are comforted by close cuddly hands-on attention from humans, especially during and after thunderstorms and we have those at least once a day here.

Voice to text would be an excellent thing for me to use if it worked properly however I must speak so slowly and sis synced Lee focusing. That’s sis synced Lee incorrect. It apparently does not know the word sis synced stupid..

I think I meant to say succinctly focusing on the enunciation and articulation and whatever of every phonic sound, but yeah, distracted again, I forge on...

So what ever thought I came to put into words this time and every time so far is where he distracted or lost before I can get to the thought because I am watching the voice to text misinterpret too many words.

Oh really?

And I still must press a button to initiate the 2T that’s the two T and then why do I need to say it again? V to T well that’s better. But I needed to take a bow about 15 seconds to actually get that on the screen correctly and this whole paragraph was distracted from what ever it might have been. Paragraph break. And then there is the problem of the VE to T stopping in mid sentence forcing me to press the button once again where for I know not where for vera for what are you typing. Therefore there is no flow of consciousness mirror is no way to just say what is on my mind and speak freely because I must either stare at the screen or listen for the bell that tells me to stop talking and press the button and I must check where the V to T stopped. Paragraph break. Skip line. New paragraph. What is the code for a new paragraph? And why do people think these smart phones are so smart question mark

I give up until next time...

Reflections on V 2 T

That's Voice To Text and this is an entry offering some reflections on it, unintentionally. You may see what I mean as you read on...

My patients for insecurity is wearing filter with each passing year. That’s sinner not filter. That’s Center not Center. That’s fin earlier not center or center or filter. My patience for bad text talk voice to text where’s even fender with each passing error. Paragraph

That is what came to the screen when I attempted to use the Voice To Text (V 2 T) through the iPhone 5 in email. What I was trying to say is my patience is wearing thinner... I tried again...

Per haps it works better on a newer I phone. Space perhaps I need to learn the codes for grammatical punctuations and what ever. Paragraph paragraph so anyway I am tired. Staying here is great in many ways but it is not a place I can rest comfortably. This is in part because I have only been here a few times and have never actually been welcomed by people who live here. The majority of time I have spent here has been pet sitting by myself (nobody here when I get here, nobody here when I leave) and I’ve had to explore everything by myself. So I am not sure how to work most of the simple things here.

So obviously I don't know how to put a space between words when the V2T doesn't and I don't know how to insert paragraph breaks or other formatting. As for what I was trying to put down in words, it was to be a summary of the weekend at Brandy's. It's Brandy's house, Jackson lives there because they love each other and are engaged, and they needed a pet-sitter for their very needy animals.

Anyway, I did somehow skip where I was and jumped to not a place I can rest comfortably, as you see above. The reasons started to come out, but the V2T kept interrupting.

I don’t feel comfortable sleeping in their bed and the couch is hot and sticky and the blankets are the pets blankets and the pets are smelly. So it is on comfortable on emotional and psychological levels. Skip line. On the other hand it is much more comfortable than where I live so I am grateful to stay ere beyond words because there is air-conditioning and it is a lot cleaner than Eb's place. I just don’t know how to adjust. Then there is the body discomforts. The shower does not have an extension so I cannot clean properly as I am used to so the itching and irritation is speaking. That’s peeking not speaking. And it is a different taking pants peeking not taking. I really do not understand why voice to text is so bad after all the years of development. It must be the iPhoneFive flaws. Skip line and then where is the scattered brain. Start again.

Thunderstorm... TBC...

Peaking, not speaking, peeking, taking,... oh, maybe you get it and maybe you don't, but this entry is an attempt to use voice to text to create a blog post in preparation for my Steven Hawking years. Or something like that. Much was lost in translation...

I Will Not Go Quietly

said the babbler...

Hopefully these are not the last words...

Narf :)

Not Lack Of Interest

There just hasn't been time...

I mean, not that active interest would not help me write here more, but I babble even in a social vacuum... there just has not been time to let the babbler help me maintain sanity. That is not good for health and there are signs proving this.

Sleep is important to health too and I am giving the body more. I am sleeping less soundly though.

Why?

There's not enough time for why.

Thanks for asking though...

Narf :)

Musical Guidance?

A new popular meme running around the internet says that the song that was #1 on your 14th birthday shaped the rest of your life. So interestingly, I checked the UK and US charts and found I have two different songs. Bridge Over Troubled Water (yes, you can call me old, if you do not understand what old means lol) and Let It Be. Billboard's Top 200 list Let It Be. Add Imagine.

Now seriously consider embodying and actualizing those three songs.

Exactly.

For me, The musical influences were not so much a specific birthday week, but a series of events during the years I listened deeply for the first time. Sometimes the songs that influenced me most did not makeit to the #1 spot or even the top ten, in fact, many top influencers never even charted. Just for the record, here are a few charts.

Someday, maybe I'll expand further... when we care more.

Narf :)