Well, Did Ya?

I mean, well, did ya miss me?. I ask with a goofy smile of the delusional writer who believes an audience of millions awaits the next line from the pen (or keyboard) with baited breath. Just what is baited breath, anyway? Whatever, the bait is here. Words, words, and more words. With the occasional photograph or video. And emo, lots or emo. Maybe a profound thought or two, if that's not just ego promoting itself. A lifetime of pouring words online, a few words each day for many years. All these words just waiting here for you to read. Just another Who.

I watch the comments link as all the days go by
Not one comment shows up and I wonder why
Does no one read this blog or is everyone shy?
Will all these words pass on unnoticed when I die?

Will it even matter if I say one more goodbye?


So I watched this and fell in love all over again. That might have gotten the mush (emo) flowing into rhymes (so many songs you never heard in the blogs and other strangers.

Will anyone ever notice?

Posterity?

History?

Horton?

Narf :)

So Then I Went Out

I might have checked job sites if I stayed in, but I found a roach crawling on the bathroom sink and out came the bug spray and after spraying just the bathroom, holes in walls, and around the bed (cuz the last place I want bugs to consider safe is in bed with me), I needed fresh air. So I drove around a bit. I found a castle and took a very distant photo of it that isn't worth sharing here even if I could connect and share (I don't know why the computer doesn't recognize the phone via bluetooth) here. The very large castle-looking house was down at the end of a cul-de-sac that had just three houses on it and I did not want to have a cop called for driving down that cul-de-sac, especially since the address on my license is not accurate at the moment. I suppose I could get mail here, there is a mailbox three apartments share though so it's not a private mailbox and I was not sure how long I would be here and whatever.

I then drove around some more. There are some rather rich people living within a couple of miles of here. As I said, I was surprised to find a $3.6M house just up the road. The average home price is closer to $500K or less, but then, I did a search and found homes selling for even more than $3.6M. Who knew I had so many millionaire neighbors, aye? So just how does one go about meeting single neighbors beyond the few houses on the block where one lives?

Tiring of window shopping the rich and maybe not so famous, I headed toward the biggest lake around, Lake Apopka, to watch the sun go down. I would show you the pics, but again, the phone and computer are not talking yet. It was interesting to see I was not the only solo sunset watcher out there. Everybody ran to their cars as soon as the sun was down, including the solos, so I suppose meeting people watching a sunset is not as romantic as the movies might suggest. I mean, it's not the top of the Empire State Building, after all. Where are you sleeping tonight?

I didn't actually go looking to meet anyone. I just wanted to enjoy a sunset over a big lake and the third largest lake in Florida is just 10 miles away (driving). Seeing a girl watching it by herself gave me the idea of the potential for social contact. She was obviously not there for social contact though. Perhaps a sunset meetup event is in order.

After the sunset I headed to the store to get shoe goo to see if I can fix my cheap sneakers for less than a new pair of cheap sneakers. $5 for a tube and I used about $1 worth, so it's worth a try. The sneaker is taped up to hold the sole in place and we shall see what happens in 48 hours. I already unpacked yet another pair of cheap sneakers for tomorrow's yard work.

So anyway, that's what I did. The place smells much better and I should survive the night. Sleep is the wise choice now as I scheduled an early rise to push the body once again and then there are other activities scheduled clear through till midnight, so may this babbling find you amused and your life be even more spectacular than mine.

Yup, I went there.

Narf :)

Yard Work, Hard Work

Three hours of cutting threw years of thick growth out behind Curly's mom's place in the 90 degree heat before lunch tapped all my energy reserve and I showered and drove to meet Jackson for lunch. I napped a few minutes in the car waiting for Jackson. Lunch replenished the energy and I cut, cleared, and piled for another two hours in the afternoon. The additional exercise in the mid-ninety degree heat left me energy depleted once again so I drank lots of water and napped another few minutes while the laundry finished.

And the laundry is done and so am I, though the chocolate chip cookie I just ate is perking me up rather quickly. The humidity in this place went up some as all the clothes from two full was loads are hang drying around the place. The fans are doing their thing (I see a use for a few more... at least two on the clothes drying area and one big one for fast cooling on the hotter days when I am in and out a lot and letting the cooler air out and the hot air in). An exhaust fan would help pull air-conditioned air in from the other apartments in this house, but there are just three huge windows and none are easily accessible at the moment so an exhaust fan is not a viable option for the moment.

The body feels exhausted, but excellent. I must do more exercise and the yard work fits the bill as it is a lot of upper body and walking with some bending and lifting. So I scheduled myself to do more yard work in the morning.

I need to find shoes as the third pair of sneakers since starting to work on yards has lost it's sole. Perhaps they were not religious sneakers. There is super strong glue to fix lost soles so I need to find some and buy some and use some. The sneakers I am using are cheap $10-$15 footwear that are very old and have been in boxes in the closet for years, so I am not crying over lost soles, but I would like to avoid spending money on equipment at the moment. I need to buy a rake if Curly's mom does have one I can use tomorrow. She has the wheelbarrow I'll need and a plug in chainsaw and Curly loaned me the big clippers. I'll need to borrow his weed eater once the big stuff is cleared. A Florida forest has all sorts of interesting interwoven growth after a few years (or longer). I should take pictures to remember the wilderness and see the work I did to turn it into enjoyable relaxing recreational spaces. Maybe I'll remember tomorrow.

So now what? The cookie woke me up. The muscles are exhausted but the brain wants to go out and play. Curly went home and Harpo plays ball Monday nights and my Monday Night Softball league is on hiatus and I don't have anyone else who I just call close by and say wanna do something cuz doing things usually costs money and Curly and Harpo understand doing things with me means playing games or going somewhere free or as close to free as possible. Jackson and Jane and other friends I can just hang with live too far (more than twice s far as Curly and he's 25 minutes without traffic and up to an hour with traffic). Wah wah, oh well, maybe write and go to bed early (don't want to get lost on Facebook like I did yesterday... I could check job sites).

Yard work, hard work, whatever the date...

Facebook, Not

Review for Completion...

I find I have returned to the avoiding Facebook mode or mindset again. Hopefully it will last as I find Facebook sad and frustrating and ultimately, depressing. It is the world as designed by humans, after all. The news about humanity is quite depressing. I usually avoid the news reports because there is so much pain and trauma and negativity in this world that it brings me down and I don't think I want to completely give up on humanity (though George Carlin makes more sense to me with each passing year, but he somehow turned his cynical depressing thoughts into humor and cash... I'd settle for cash) and the more I read or watch the news, the less hope I have for the survival of the species, no less actually finding a human I can really relate to on the deepest intimate levels of realness within me.

I also am not interested in the Pokeman, Candy Crush, and other games I get invited to regularly. I cringe at the news and invites about other crazes I keep getting on Facebook, so that makes the experience even more unpleasant. Then there is the last few months of Sunday softball conversations about where people are staying in Austin and that reminds me that neither coach responded to my requests for help with that. I don't need to be reminded they don't care and I am staying with two friends from another team and don't know how (or if) I will get to the games or around town for food or anything else I need. I guess I will be dependent on the two friends, though they go to different fields for different games and may not be able to drive me to my games. They are good people, but the smoke way too much and I detest cigarette smoke. Gotta compromise and we share a need for economizing.

This blog is listed as my blog on my Facebook profile, but none of my Facebook friends (or real life friends) have come by as far as I know. So few people seek or enjoy written communication these days unless it's a text or on comment Facebook (it does not seem like many people read each other's posts or click on links before commenting and I really don't enjoy most of the communication that goes on there. I find it superficial at best and quite hostile way too often. Whatever happened to kambaya? lol :)

And yet, here I sit feeling lonely wondering if going on Facebook will fix that. It seldom does, though it often distracts me for hours or days until I fall asleep numb and quite vegetative. I wake up with some sort of intellectual hangover though. Not the fix I really need. Somehow I have looked for the one in all the wrong places for many years.

I have not had good pizza in a while.

Or chocolate.

Narf :)

The Body

There's a blog for that, the body, that is, but and this entry was written here but moved there, so this will be a briefer summary as the body seems to need a summary review (or something like that). Body issues have risen to consciousness enough to disturb my peace and tranquility. Insect bite issues on my legs from doing yard work, overheating from the outside work and lack of air-conditioning (the car is the only place to cool down and I need to keep remembering towels for the seats so they don't get soaked with sweat), other skin tags and more. Flaking on the face when I don't shave daily is increasing. I need to find my good razor (or break down and buy another... thing is I have several in some box somewhere). Without a doctor, health insurance, or a close friend who will look at the parts of this body I can't see it is challenging to treat or even know what to do about thing.

Hemorrhoids have gotten annoying. Hopefully they are just rhoids. I am long past due for a colonoscopy and don't want to think about the possibilities. The kidneys have not been friendly lately. Again, no check ups or medical tests leave too much for the imagination. Stress is not a friend sometimes. Weight is not a friend either (excess weight, that is) and playing cards three or more times a week with really big eaters is not helping as it takes more concentration and separation than I'd like to eat completely differently than they do. I already struggle with my taste buds and food addictions on my own. Alas, my choices. My right heel aches more and more after resting after softball or exercise and that is not fun cuz it makes doing more exercise more challenging.

The left side of my neck continues to come and go as a cramp or stiff neck more often after vigorous exercise or sitting too long. It reminds me to align my spine better, but it is really a pain in the neck. The lower back seizing pain stops everything from time to time and I must be aware of what triggers that though I am not always sure what does. Fingers and hands cramp from time to time. The left ear tinnitus is as bad as ever and I am noticing the wax build-up has reached that point of needing lavage. Again, no medical professional to turn to. The hair is thinning to a point where I will likely be balding from the top front over the next few years. Oh well, I can't afford vanity.

The muscles are atrophying faster and regenerating slower with each passing year and in the past couple of years both processes are accelerating way faster than I'd like. Stamina sucks, both muscle and aerobic, to put it mildly. I know my standards are higher than most, being a former marathoner with memories of 5 minute miles, but I double I could do a 15 minute mile at the moment (even in reasonable temperatures) and that saddens me when I think about it. I don't want the heart muscles to deteriorate any faster so I really must take some form of aerobic cardio seriously.

The eyes still work find for most things without strain and with minimal squinting, but even the eyes are finally showing signs of aging and the lack of exercise is a big part of that deterioration as well. Eye muscles need regular very specific exercise too, after all. Much of my reading is online for the past decade or so which offers little in the way of the exercise reading fine print or books offers. Reading books puts me to sleep. I used to love reading books. And the changes keep on changing.

Nose Hairs, ear hairs, and other sundries that accompany an aging body are showing up more and more. Overall though, most of the time, it feels great to be alive in this body and I really had to think about all the details in this entry. That does not mean the details are exaggerated, it just means the deterioration of this body has not become a routine interference in the enjoyment of being physically alive. So all in all, it is still a wonderful life.

Dreams of Love

To be reviewed (possibly for another blog) and completion...

I still dream of finding someone who will love me without reservations, conditions, or rules. Unconditional trust comes from letting all walls down and giving everything completely ... so completely many call such lovers fools. I still dream of finding someone who will love me the way only lovers in fairy tales have loved before and together we take loving to the next level where every moment we love each other more.

lub

dub


lub

dub


lub

dub


bub


lub

dub


dude

Next Thoughts

As you may have anticipated, I did not go to practice this morning. I slept in instead. My stomach was queasy as it has been for the first five minutes of waking up lately (I attribute that to the diet of hamburgers and hot dogs and pork and beans and potatoes meat and pasta and chips and snacks and sugar drinks I've been eating since I started eating dinner at Curly's and Mike's three or more times a week) and I texted Coach that I would not be there due to stomach issues. He texted back 'feel better' and hopefully the team did not decide to kick me off (I've been surprised by lack of appreciation before at jobs and I think I lost faith and trust in people, alas) or maybe that it was a better practice without me there.

How much of that is my personal self-deprecation or low self-esteem and how much of that is the negativity I get from a couple of players and the assistant coach (he frequently surprises me by defending the lazy poor-attitude players when I actually support his complaint that they don't respect him... maybe it's the way I support his complaint, but it still surprises me that he does not see I am reacting to the same player behavior he complains about) is for you or others to decide as I do not feel like self-analysis at the moment and I also have no perspective other than my own which is also why I do not feel like self-analysis at the moment. I have no one I really trust to be my friend (on my side, so to speak, or to at least see things from my perspective) who experiences the team interactions or dynamics so whatever. Yeah, I know, I usually dislike whatever, but whatever.

So I slept in which felt mostly good, though it is now in the mid-nineties outside so I really do not want to do any yard work so I feel like I am skipping yard work more than I should cuz I want to get yard work done and I also want to pay some rent for the place and helping Curly and his mom with yard work is one big way I can give back to them. Curly's mom asked for some help with some clearing of overgrowth behind her house and I told her all she needs to do is point out what she wants cleared and I'll be on it, but we were on the phone so I don't know exactly what she wants cleared. I will see about finding out tomorrow morning, though I have lunch scheduled with Jackson at noon so I don't really want to be soaking wet sweaty and yard-work filthy for that and I don't want to put off Curly's mom in the middle of starting to help either so I am a bit unsure of what to do tomorrow morning. I think I will be out there doing yard work as early as I can wake up and hopefully get both done.

I really feel so much better when I use my therapy tool of writing out my thoughts, especially confused or conflicting or disturbing thoughts. Why I go through phases where I stop blogging (or stop writing altogether) is such a self-defeating habit and even though those phases are seldom extended periods, they are still phases I should pull myself out of asap once they start.

Depending on a response is a fool's errand. Especially when the writing helps me so much.

So be it, so do it.

Narf :)

To Go or Not To Go

I will likely be very sad if I do not go to practice in the morning. I will likely be very upset if I do go to practice if it is more of the same bullshit laziness and disorganization. Practicing bad habits frustrates me. No education goes on. No coaching individual players on individual skills. No coaching general fundamentals. No discipline. Just some fungo ground balls and fly balls with fielders making little or no effort to improve their skills or learn much. It is not the players fault though, there is no leadership.

Maybe I need to miss a practice to find out how much I miss this team and how much the coaches and team misses me. I am not sure they really want me there because I come with attitude - I do not hide my dissatisfaction with waste-of-time practices and I do not hide my frustration with practices that teach and reinforce bad habits. You want to be lazy, go chase pokemon.

My frustration causes friction between the players close to the coach (the ass kissers) and me and that causes friction between the coaches and me because they complain and I am seen as the creator of dissent and disharmony. Meanwhile, I am the pitcher and only player from the original team still left and the one showing up to more practices than anybody by far and we continue winning year after year. I do not think it is ego alone that suggests I have a lot to do with that.

So when I ask for more of a practice and am told to chill out and when I tell someone else to pitch the practice pitching because I've had enough of chilling out when we should be pushing ourselves to get better and I am told that I am wrong to walk off the mound, I wonder if it is time to find a new team. I am tired of getting frustrated on the mound. I love the game and have fun playing it. I do not have fun being a pitching machine for a lazy team at the casual practices because we are not coached to have serious practices with players trying their best to improve. I think I just talked myself out of going tomorrow.

We shall see the reaction. I rarely miss a practice. I am usually a half hour early. I rarely take a break at practices. I usually pitch every pitch while others get rest time and slip into sloppy play. It may be interesting to see their reaction to my not showing up. I am tired. I have not been feeling my best lately. It is time I put myself first for once. They need to find another practice pitcher. I've asked for that for years. I am not getting younger and I am their only pitcher so logic and caring say don't wear me out, but they expect me to pitch every practice. Bending to pick up the ball at least a few hundred times is not good for an aging back. I've talked about the wear that puts on my arm and back and body and they say they understand. Still, no back-up pitcher.

So the only way I don't pitch is if I don't show up (or if I raise a stick and sour the practice). So let it be. Sleep in tomorrow. Take care of myself. The world will turn without me.

And how are you?

Debating the Edge

What did you expect (referencing the previous entry), it was coming from a vacuum, after all. You know, all the air sucked out of it and all. Gasping for hope and something to believe in, some reason for all the effort, some call for all these words. Meaningfulness is sometimes invisible without some appreciation or at least acknowledgement of existence. So I exist?

Do you?

That edge I refer to is the browser in Windows 10 (oh, did you really think something profound was coming? lol lam laa... shhh, it's between the lines {and words}, remember?... I know you're out there somewhere... even if it is over the rainbow or under a bridge or... in a fairy tale). The debate is whether to try it out with the sites I go to most. Chrome and Firefox both know my log in passwords for quick access. Chrome for Gmail and Blogger which are Google products and Firefox for Facebook and web browsing because it is rated the best browser for general web browsing. Tonight I opened Edge for the first time and it did not impress me at first, but then, this is Jackson's computer and she has put her imprint on it so I am not getting a fresh Windows 10 or Edge experience... so I withhold judgment for now. The default opening to MSN, the default Bing page, and the pressure to keep that set up does not bode well for me using Edge. I am comfortable with the Google search engine. I may experiment another time with Edge and it's default features, but for now, I return to Chrome and Firefox.

Feel free to discuss the pros and cons of the latest Windows OS and browser and all the other browsers and whatever else you'd like to discuss and maybe even teach me cuz the silence is deafening sometimes (here too). I mean, this blog is the umpteenth in a long line of daily blogs going back to the stone age (or at least 20 years online) and here it sits unfettered by any interaction, discussion, comments, or viewership, even. Ah yes (alas, even), readers... dear readers... how I used to adore imagining you were out there.

Shhhh, let the fool wallow in the misery, it is all we can do for emotional fun sometimes.

What else should we expect wide awake at 4am without a soul in sight, anyway?

Narf :)

In A Vacuum

This may be a short one.

As if no one knows I exist. As if no one cares if I am here or gone. As if that does not matter I just carry on. A babbler must babble on. As if there is no reason or rhyme. As if it does not matter what I do with my time. As if this was the scene of a crime. The silence is all that can be heard. No one says a word about the words. I might as well be writing for the birds. Still it turns me on. The babbler must babble on.

You may be out there from time to time and you may be caring much more than you show. Old friends or new friends may enjoy the rhyme and I may always be the last one to know. Coming home from fun and games with the friends who do not even know this world of words exists. I wonder what we might have missed staying on the surface...

here come those blues again
though not as deep as then might have been
if they reached the the blackness of the emptiness deep down inside

no one goes there
but that does not mean nobody cares
I've got friends taking care of me on the outside

there's just nobody coming in to the dark where I hide
in the blackness of the emptiness deep down inside

Why so serious?

No More Wah (Maybe)

So here I sit before the make-shift air-conditioner which consists of bottles of frozen water sitting in front of the fan blowing on me as I realize how thankful I am for the free electricity and roof and place to live and the phone I depend on for so much and the computer I depend on just as much, all gifts for the pauper I choose to be at the moment as I enjoy the last of the time away from the madness of the working world.

This is the reality (oh poo, no more pity parties?... well, at least not for the moment, but there's always hope).

Laughter is still under every rock I throw at myself (or anyone else), so what is real, really? A dozen resumes have gone out over the past couple of days. The stretchers, as I call them. Meaning the jobs I probably don't qualify for but pay a lot more than jobs I do qualify for, though some jobs I do qualify for and lower salary jobs were in the mix. I hope to be working again by October or November. It takes at least a month for some of these jobs to even call for an interview and takes another month for them to complete the interviews, so it is time to start sending out the resumes. Sigh. Luckily, there are chocolate chip cookies nearby. :)

I wah wah wah-ed for a couple of days last week (or a couple of weeks or years or lifetimes), or maybe that was more recently, and then Monday I decided it was time to get back to work, or maybe that was yesterday. Time is relative when you're having fun. Or when you're having fun with depression. Ah, Fun With Depression, the new board game all the rage in the real world. Must be a blog title sprouting up too. Anyway, I worked on the garage and moved a few things from this space into the garage on Monday. The resumes started flowing out after that. I did some more today. Alas, growing up a little more. Boo boo boo! lol lam :)

It has been hot here the past couple of weeks. Mid-nighties during the day and just barely dropping below 80 at night. A long lonely summer (old song, favorite many times along the way (inspiring a new wistful smile each time). The more I come out of my shell the lonelier I get cuz the social me wants to share more and the hugger me wants to hug more and the dreamer me wants to love more, but I can't afford to hide out much longer so back to the world I am headed.

Not much to write about (farther out of the daily writing habit than I've been in a long time... which is seldom good news for me), but keeping in touch helps keep the lonelies away a little.

Anybody out there?

More Distraction (Inside and Out)

It came without warning, almost as a surprise but, kind of like a kidney stone, there is a feeling somewhere that is like a warning. The back, the butt, the innards, the outside world, the friends, the Facebook, the madness of the experience of the life among humans, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the tension, the stress... and probably more... all combined to attack the body and the result was paralysis pain in the L2-3 region (or maybe that's L3-4) and the return of the skinn nuisance in the hemorrhoid region and the lack of clarity in the mental region and the loss of the fun of the fair (cuz it's just not fair).

Sometimes I wonder where the creative folk wandered off to, but that is simply because they are not in my life. They are still out there when I look in the right places. Even if they are creative in worlds I seldom visit or even where I have little interest, they exist. Even if it is without me, it is good to know they are still out there. I just forgot how to connect with anyone who is not suffering in some way.

Is this optimism or just indigestion?

Meanwhile, Fandoms are a fan-created, fan-run, non-profit, non-commercial archive for transformative fan-works, like fan-fiction, fan-art, fan videos, and pod-fic with more than 22130 fan-doms, almost a million writers and readers, and more than two million works. It is all part of The Organization for Transformative Works (OTW) which is a nonprofit organization run by and for fans to provide access to and preserve the history of fanworks and fan cultures. There are some positive thoughts online that I really ought to embrace more, especially these recent days. Still I wonder, is there anybody going to listen to my story?

Then I attacked my own gardens driving nails through perversions and found the mostly dead still shadowed me even as I've ignored them for years and it was very strange to think that anything so brief could be fundamentally profound as what you don't see is as meaningful as what you do (or did, for that matter) in this blogging life. If only you had the time to explore it all you could know me so much better and if only you care enough to share me with everyone you know, I might find the one... but until then, for absolutely no apparent reason or cost, I give you the one and only Robin F. Williams and I don't mean Robin Fucking Williams, but the name might fit too, doing what might be called something if I remember what was going on there (how's that for a sly motivation to click?) and ultimately, I have no idea why I am linking much of anything anymore.

Narf :)

Distraction Inside

I may be the man with the child in his eyes to me or to at least a few of the people who shared long term relationships with me, but beyond the title this song is mostly a distraction without written lyrics because as ethereally enchanting as Kate Bush can be, I often miss the finer points of her lyrics. That could very well be my auditory failures, but it is the experience I experience.

Never Fit In

Another Sunday team softball practice leaves me flat and cold. Annoyed again, way too naturally. I am so tired of people who do not give their all in team sports. A few come out and push themselves and really take practice seriously. Practice is meant to learn good habits and improve skills. Practice is meant to test limits and reach beyond them. Too many players on this team mail it in from start to finish. Some of the better players hardly give any effort at all. Meanwhile, as a pitcher, I can't slack off much because I still need to throw strikes and protect myself from batted balls so my intensity level must remain high even if I get tired or if I decide not to push my limits.

I leave practice frustrated that new players are learning bad practice habits from better players who have bad practice habits. It has been this way for year with this team and I am really starting to wonder why I stay. Winning is not an accident. It doesn't just happen. It takes a talented group of people willing to work together to practice good fundamental skills and give the effort to get better and better.

The fact is, I've never fit in with this team. I am the only member of the original team put together five years ago who still makes it to every game and more practices than anyone else (by far) and Every change has brought more younger players because winning has a way of attracting younger good players. We've been to the World Series four out of the five years I've been with the team. Jackson made the team fun for me because I had someone with whom I could share the experience, but everyone else is heavily into drinking and clubbing and Facebooking on their phones (and recently, pokemon) and I just do not fit in. I don't drink anymore and don't like clubs because of all the drinking and I don't want Facebook on my phone so communication and hanging out always leaves me out and nobody makes an effort to text me or include me anymore. As loyal as I've been to Coach - always offering to help him in softball or in life, you'd think a little respect and accommodation for my lifestyle might be considered fair. Alas, not this year. I fall further and further away from the team I helped put together.

I thought maybe after seeing how much I care and give (they were all aware of my devotion to the LBGT community this past month and while I did not do it for the team, it is surprising they did not change the way they leave me out of everything), I might get more respect and appreciation and interaction from other players in the league than I do from my own team where I have been the only pitcher for five years. So today was another day of frustration as nobody really seemed to want to practice and Coach left halfway through to practice with his other team and they got even lazier and sloppier. That's been my primary dissatisfaction with the teams over the years, learning bad habits during practice by being lazy and slippy and not trying at practice. Few players ever seem to want to get better. Everyone complains about the heat.

Back to practice, I finally just put the ball down and said someone else needs to pitch to the last three batters. Three batters were left and the one in the batters box was challenging me by not getting in the batters box and when I said let's go she said chill out and just stood outside the batters box. Everyone had just taken a break and it was my first break (everyone else had at least two or three, but the pitcher pitches). So I decided it was time for someone else to take over what I almost always do because they were taking me for granted and disrespectful. I had just given them a pep talk before we left the dugout encouraging them to push for their best for the last three batters because this practice is nothing compared to playing in the world series... and that was their response.

Childish attitude and disrespect.

She (the batter) made a b-line to Coach who was coaching the team he plays for on another field and interrupted him while he was playing first base so practice had to pause so everyone could hear her complaints about me. A child throwing a tantrum because I would not wait for her attitude and told someone else to pitch to her. I almost decided right there not to go to the series and maybe to join a new team next year, but I won't make that decision in that situation. I think I'll skip next week's practice and tell them they need to find a back-up pitcher for practices because we are the only team without one and I am the oldest player in the league. Respect the pitcher, respect age, respect something.

It doesn't help my feeling good about the team when I've explained to Coach and Manager multiple times that I am stressing over how I can afford the trip and where I am staying and how I will get around and be on time and have any fun experiences and after waiting and stressing for months, I walked over to another team and ask players from another team if I could stay with them and they were very welcoming, just as they were the last time I stayed with them on another road trip. The Coach or Manager obviously did not want to share a room and car with me even after all these years and if they are not going to step up to support me, no less be a friend, none of the kids are going to give me any respect either. I get it, I don't drink or club or party like they do. I am an boring old man to them. But this year I really needed some loyalty and support and I got none, actually less this year than any previous year. Maybe I should take the hint and move on.

Yet they still don't recruit another pitcher and take for granted I will pitch every pitch of every game and every practice (though they did recruit a part-time pitcher for this series... not a good one and a very poor choice in my opinion because he and his partner are known to be disruptive to a team and last year he was exhausted and almost useless halfway through the series (I went with his team) and he makes a lot of errors when he is at his best, but they did not include me in the decisions about who to pick up for this series.

I need a distraction...

Avoiding More

It was an early morning sunrise and the blog just opened up... and the words poured out like melting ice overflowing a cup... and the writer was avoiding the dream of reaching for more... and the audience was silent not sure what they were there for... and that hurt them all right to the fragile core... break through the ice now Mona Lisa... don't let Da Vinci win again... cast off your stony stare Medussa... wake to the power of the pen... I know you hear me... dear sleeping child... I know you feel me... in dreams so wild... they almost scare you... but you are wise... for you know trust and that dares you to use your eyes... and you see truth where it is found within your mind, within your heart, within your thighs... it was a deep and dark December when the writer first began... to heal and somehow survive was the first and only plan... to understand the madness of denial and betrayal... stand and deliver now is truth that all we did was fail?... break through the doubt now lonely Vincent... don't lose your head or ear again... cast off your thorny crown now Jesus... wake to the power of the pen... I know you hear me.. dear magic bean... I know you feel me... in sights unseen... they almost scare you... but you are wise... for you know trust and that dares you to use your eyes... and you see truth where it is found within your mind, within your heart, within your thighs... and you know peace within your smile and silent sighs.

This was not here the first time but it is here now... are you going to waste your time wondering why or how?... do you want to argue or create some offense at your own expense, what is your defense?... maybe what makes sense to you is just nonsense to me (or vice versa), what is it - reality?... can you prove it to yourself - or just to me?

Is there anyone alive who does not fool themselves at least once in a while?

What light through yonder window breaks?

Are you distracted yet?

Narf :)

So Distracted It Hurts

Not actual physical pain, but the emotional strain of trying to focus on anything is challenging the brain cells these days. I just want to happily retired, voluneteering to help others every day, but that is not in the budget so I am de-stressing through distraction until I decided to get responsible and take actually paying for a place to live in this life seriously again. Curly has given me this great gift of a place to live for no cost (though there are some inconsistent steep emotional costs involved and I really wish there weren't... and there is manual labor costs involved which I don't mind at all and would actually like more of even if it pushes the body to scary limits {Curly doesn't like that and reacts very poorly} sometimes).

I've reached a point where I almost don't care if anybody reads any of my blogs or cares to get to know me at all in this life, maybe.

. there
... may
..... be

more



if the video won't play... don't give up... click here
alas, alone, it is not easy to sing this duet...


So maybe I have reached that point, what?...


if the song won't play... don't give up... click here

Did The Sun Rise?

So it is pushing 8am and I am just noticing I played Windows 10 Solitaire games all night. I still have not gotten back into the blogging habit. I am not sure I want to continue the same way I've been blogging for years, or is that for the last six months or so? The two-step blog thing, remember? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

Whatever, here are the words, read 'em and weep. Or don't. I'm in an odder weirder than usual mood this morning so you'll just have to skip right past this entry if you are a normal person who does not get the joke cuz otherwise you very well might be offended somewhere along the way.

Warning: Parental Guidance. This entry may contain explicit lyrics or some such nonsense that you've been taught to take offense at and you don't even really know why because it is not logical, but you'll do it anyway unless you've stepped out of the box in which case feel free to disregard this warning.

Don't castrate the children, please!.

Now where were we? Ah yes, returning to the fold, or folder, perhaps. if you were around at the beginning (and I don't mean online, I mean the beginning of the writings), you may have heard of the Scattered Pages Folder also known as Book 1. There were several hundred books in those pre-internet writing days (actually, mostly nights) and by all logical rational reason, there ought to have been a Book 1. It was a folder, actually, of all the scribbles and dribbles and writings I did from the first time I could remember. You may already know about the tragedy of the parental units throwing out everything I called my childhood while I was running away to the army, but some of those scattered pages stayed with me (as opposed to being hermetically sealed and stored in the basement corner in boxes labelled clearly "MY STUFF" (MY being my name) as my precious childhood stuff (writings, books, comics, music, games, and so much more). I still remember the trauma of finding them gone and hearing "oh, we gave that away." We went for family counseling and psychologist could not believe they saw nothing wrong with tossing my childhood out in the trash. "Or maybe we gave it to goodwill, we don't remember." Fuck those insensitive people.

Ok, there's an old scar still itching, no doubt. That was representative of childhood as I knew it and why I remain simultaneously unattached to anything in this world and a pathological long distance hoarder as if someday someone will actually care to know the stories and secrets and emotions represented by every little thing I refuse to let go of. Jane brings up my storage stuff now and then and she seems to get excited about going to get the stuff, but the cost of storage down here would be ridiculous. The cost is ridiculous anyway, but that's the wayward life of extravagant detachment I've forged out of nothing.

So I played games all night and now lasagna cooks in the microwave and I really want to sleep but I don't know if Curly is coming by or not. He can wake me. I just hope my sleeping through the day and being groggy does not upset him. I am still not sure just what triggered his text-rant, so I am cautious with him for now. He's a beautiful child inside as are all of the few I've adopted as family along the way. He has some PTSD and conflicts inside that seldom come to the surface because he does his best to be a happy positive person and enjoy life and represses a lot. That may have been one of the reasons his three marriages did not last long, though he didn't choose wisely the third time. I am in a lazy-bum phase, as the older generation might call it, and I am hoping that doesn't upset him.

The world just doesn't get me, ya know?

I miss Jackson a lot on mornings like this. She was always so tolerant of my madness. The fact that I paid almost all of the bills might have helped. Ah, cynical as ever. I miss having a best friend close by in my daily life. On the other hand, I love not wearing clothing again. I wore a T-shirt and boxers out of respect for her normalcy, but I much prefer to be without clothing when I am lounging around at home. Especially now, without air-conditioning.

So I now have more than a month to catch up on. If you recall, at least so far, I left the time gap between the (e)thereal daily blog and the new two-step blog you are currently reading (I have such high hopes, don't I?) rather fallow (or is that hollow?), ya falla? (still quoting that silly movie line, huh?), but I have little intention of doing that for this new two-phase blog so any day now there's gonna be a whole lotta entries going on.

Still, with relative punctuation as opposed to the endless ellipses of the babbler.

Losing interest, losing focus
Losing out to hocus pocus

Can I interest you in a nice ripe watermelon?

Like Nothing Happened

Strange how people flip switches in their emotions (or rather strange how emotions flip switches in people). The only change I made was to not play as competitively as I can, to not pay attention to the cards and the game as much as I can, and all was well. I came in second for the first game to Excel, second in the second game to Curly, and deliberately came in last for the third game. Curly was fine, like he got all his frustrations out in words last night and all I had to do was dumb down to make everything better. The story of my life.

Meanwhile, the new guy (I suppose I should name him, but I don't feel it yet... maybe Wilbur) still doesn't really grasp the games (Bridge on Saturdays or Spades, Hearts, Oh Hell, or others on Tuesdays) and he slows the game down and changes the way we play as he is by far the weakest player and does not seem open to learning. On top of that, he has poor boundaries and is frequently too close for comfort crowding feet under the table, crowding too close next to people, or reaching around people. It doesn't help that he does not appear to be a clean person. Tonight he took my plate without asking and it was before I was actually finished eating. Whether trying to be helpful or deliberately intrusive, it was intrusive. He also gets crumbs everywhere and grease on the cards (which usually drives Curly batty so maybe that's part of what got under his skin and he took it out on me... projection and transference?... sheesh) as he seldom wipes his hands, even after licking his fingers, and is always snacking on whatever is out to be snacked on. I stop snacking the minute he starts or I get my own bowl, but he reaches for anyone's bowl when his is empty and he empties his fast. That helps me stop snacking as he seems to be the final straw for me as far as ignoring the food junkie mindset most of the card players share (I sure am one, but seeing one much more addicted to snacking who also has unsanitary habits {like licking his fingers and reaching back in the communal bowl for more chips} helps me say no to sharing more snacks. I think we are all slowly adjusting in our own ways to his habits and the new dynamic he brings to the table, the space, and the party. I don't think anyone is having more fun.

Besides him, me, and Curly there was Excel, Elton, and Knobby so we played a round of Oh Hell and then a round of Hearts and then another round of Hearts. It was light fun even though I had to go back to deliberately letting people win to satisfy Curly. I am missing Spades as we don't play it much with more than four people because no one likes to play it cutthroat. It is my favorite card game and the one I have the most success in and control of, which may be why we don't play much.

Alas, I am who I am. That upsets some. I often dominate an experience when I focus on something and the only way to stop is to break focus and do less than my best (I see that as disrespectful on so many levels, but many see that as respect... respecting fears that limit minds, alas, we have different perspectives... must I parent everybody?... shhhh, you know better, this is your place in this world until the one comes along). Intensity. Mental focus. Concentration. Energy. Some physicists and psychologists and philosophers (oh not, not that again, he includes the self-mockery that keeps ego in check) could probably explain it, I just live it. I don't always experience it as I sometimes focus on a task so much I shut down peripheral senses and even empathy. I used to be so much more empathic than I am these days. It hurt too much.

Did you notice how I shifted from writing to you then to myself then to the third person and back to you in that last paragraph?

I wish it was as shallow as just ego. Sigh.

Narf :)

Human Drama

Ok, so lack of sleep, standing three hours in an angel costume holding a photo and candle at a memorial while listening to dramatic speeches, then getting a scathing text that took at least fifteen minutes to read telling me I am all sorts of bad (and not the good bad) triggered some buttons (abandonment, betrayal, stupid human tricks, among others) and brought out the drama queen last night. I might have slept through the night (I did actually fall asleep if Excel did not wake me by responding to my plea for a friendly ear at 2am which lead to two hours of exchanging texts before I finally realized she had work in the morning. I finally got back to sleep at 9am and accomplished nothing but worra worra worra.

Facebook, that dang abyss of human madness, sucked me in again. The distraction is just so danged available. The attraction to posting words that someone might read and appreciate is just so irresistible, especially when I am feeling used, abused, or simply unappreciated. The contraption should be abolished. Over-reaction, no doubt. I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody. Instead, I am bleary-eyed empty and drained once again. It's all Excel's fault for responding (ridiculous irreverent tease, naturally).

Actually, Excel proved to be a really good friend last night. Yay for drama to bring people closer (another irreverent tease, but silver linings are good too). This morning, Curly appears to be recovering from his recalcitrant rant and quite closer to conciliatory, though not quite apologetic (might not be in his nature) with a layer of self-loathing perhaps. He apparently bottled a lot of frustration up over months and is very bothered that he let things bother him and wants me to go over there tonight for cards. Hopefully we will talk through what bothers him and we'll agree to not hold back from now on.

I tease too much sometimes. I mean no harm, but I will definitely be more sensitive to how he takes it cuz what I thought were momentary friendly teases (combined with my being honest and expressive about this body's limits when doing heavy lifting or manual labor in the 90+ degree sun) piled up in his mind to warrant an explosion of words last night that were quite disturbing in interpretation, confusion, and potential consequences. The latter triggered my abandonment button and I panicked enough to want feedback from those who were named as supportive of the claims about my poor behaviors (cheating, dominating, controlling, disrespect, complaining, negativity, and assorted sundries... it is no coincidence that he exhibits these behaviors and if I step back I can see he is projecting, but I let me feelings get hurt because I am in such a vulnerable position in life and he holds so much power over me).

I know I complain (or so it seems on the outside... few, maybe nobody can see I am laughing on the inside), but for me it's just acknowledging dissatisfaction with myself or something else and releasing it into words gives it tangible substance so I can fix whatever is not satisfying and in a moment laugh it off cuz it's all better. Perspective is everything and I think most people bottle up stuff so they distort their own perspective and it takes them a lot longer to fix stuff without burying it (which isn't actually fixing it). Most humans I've met act a lot like ostriches.

I know I have been much more negative of late, increasing gradually over the last two decades (sigh, with apologies to Jackson who needs a long vacation from me lol) and most sharply increasing over the past year or two as work was less satisfying (which is why we parted ways) and then the major life changes and then the news of the world got through to me via Facebook. All in all I am busier with social activities than I have been in many years and yet feel as much as ever, isolated and frustrated with people. Queen's Someone to Love plays in my head.

I woke to a couple of texts from Curly that kind of said all clear and seem to want to return to the calmer waters, not completely ignoring the storm, but letting it pass with new respect for the deeper waters from whence the storm originated. I shall watch much more closely for signs of PTSD in him and be much more sensitive to his reactions to my teasing or my game-play. Hopefully we can return to relaxing and having silly fun now that he expressed himself and we agree to work toward learning and developing a better understanding of each other.

I had cheesecake Helena gave me for breakfast.

Time to shower and head to Curly's for Tuesday night cards.

What Horse? (Sad Horse)

It is sad to live a life with no one to talk to when you are sad. I have no one close enough for that. It's been a long time since I did. That cycles the sadness deeper and deeper until it becomes a constant hum under the surface mostly superficial daily life fun.

Case in point, my longest lasting softball team. Only four of us have been there since the beginning some five years ago. Each have their own lives and lifestyles and I am an outsider being the only straight one among us. That is not what brings me sadness though. It is never actually being accepted in the leadership group. I've offered so many times to help in any way. I have as much knowledge of softball as any of them, a lot more than some. I am the pitcher and it would help if they saw me as a leader because I take leadership on the field, but I get a lot of push back because I am not included in team decisions and others see I am not in the leadership group.

Even more specific to this season, this will be my fifth trip to the world series. The only two who have been there more often are the two coaches. Most of the players have never been. The coaches and a player or few have been meeting to make decisions about the team and the trip and when I asked about one of them today I was treated like I shouldn't be asking in front of the two different teams. I felt very disrespected and very left out of the loop, so I didn't go out with the team after the game (though that decision was more due not actually being asked by anyone and even more due to my to finances and neither coach reassuring me that there are any arrangements for me to stay somewhere and get around Austin when I get there and I've asked repeatedly about it and expressed how stressed, helpless, and depressing it is to not know).

They either don't care or don't take my sadness seriously which, either way, just adds to the sadness. After all the years and a almost a dozen seasons...

Jackson does not want to hear my sadness. I know she cares, she just does not handle my sadness will. I don't know how she deals with depressed people in her work as a therapist and I know she deals with a lot more depressed and problematic people than me. Maybe it is because she depended on me to be her rock and parent and provider for so long that she got scared when she saw me in sad or weak moments. I've accepted her as she is and love her precious heart for the wonder that is her, but I do not look to her for support when I am down or sad anymore because it upsets her and that does not help me.

Curly has pulled away some since finding a new friend who is less financially stable and needier than I am. Not sure if there are any other reasons, but it started during the two weeks I was going to funerals and Pulse-shooting related events daily. He found this other guy during that period. Maybe he got offended by my getting involved so much in the community support or maybe it's something else. People are such a challenge to understand sometimes.

Helena cares and trust me and knows me as well as anyone, but I don't want to bring sadness into our friendship as it does not seem to fit and we are both very comfortable with the balance we found with each other after more than 15 years. Some friends are just not meant to be deep heavy intimate pillows no matter how well we trust each other.

Jane and others who live an hour or more away (and who do not like talking on the phone) are just not available in spite of the caring we share and fun we have together. I would trade any of my friends for the roles they play in this life with me. I just have no one to share sadness with these days and rarely ever have. Maybe my sensitivity just asks for too much. I must do something wrong since I am in this place in time and space.

I have more meaningful discussions on Facebook these days than I do in the offline world. Though the caring words on Facebook are soothing and rewarding, they do not replace a little in-person caring and I do not want to use Facebook to replace the time I would rather be sharing offline... or even just writing to myself like this. This helps me accept reality and put things in perspective. I am alone, always have been, and for whatever reason, people do not seem to want to come or stay too close to me. I accepted that long ago and made peace with the experience, though when I am involved with many dozens of people on a regular basis, it is sad that not one really cares enough to get to know me beyond the activities we share.

Ah, and as Jackson's playlist plays on, Christina Perri sings The Lonely... and I laugh at the appropriateness of the title. The chorus is almost as haunting as some of the music from Phantom of the Opera. Sad songs have always helped released the sadness and releasing sadness has always helped bring back my smile (I see rainbows through my tears, remember?).

I sent out a dozen texts in the past hour. Only two responses, one of my softball-addict friends shared a little conversation and Jackson sent a brief response like we almost always do. And Kansas sings Dust in the Wind...

So I sit here alone in my sadness today. The sadness today is not being included in the team activities except as just another player after all these years and seniority and knowledge. Especially when one of the newest players put me in my place when someone asked about the World Series shirts today and the coach told one of the players the new shirts are black, which would be brutal in the summer heat, but I think he was kidding. When I asked he played dumb saying "what shirts?" and a newer player who is in on the leadership/planning meetings said "don't worry about it, you'll find out when everybody does." Pow, that was a clear message to keep my mouth shut and stay far away from any team leadership discussions. Not a good place for the oldest, most experienced player on the team to be. Especially not as a pitcher who generally takes a leadership role on the field.

I also realized again today that practicing with this team is not at all inspiring. Of all my teams, this team is the youngest yet it is the least enthusiastic about playing the game. Almost every one is happy when practice is over and complians about the heat and fatigue long before I even feel tired. Kids half my age were ready to drop and two of them took a seat on my cooler that I set up behind my bag for shade and I ended up standing in the sun as there was no shade at the fields so there is no team nurturing going on. They drank my drinks though as they still don't bring their own in spite of my urging to hydrate almost every game. Most teams look out for their pitcher, especially when he or she is their only pitcher as I am, whether he is twice their age or not. Two of my other teams don't want me coaching bases or even running bases much to keep me away from potential injury and more rested. They are heavy party kids, which may be one reason why. I am sad that they just don't seem to enjoy the game as much as my others teams.

That sadness pours into the general underlying sadness of not having anyone to talk to about any sadness or really, anything serious going on in me...

As Brandi Carlisle sings Elton and Bernie's Sixty Years On... Narf, I guess.

I suppose Paul's When I'm 64 would be appropriate about now.

As usual, after all these words, I still find my smile. :)

I Shall Beat That Horse (And Beat it Good)

Laughing at the title, I will remind myself once again (for whatever new or old reasons) that I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook lately. The briefer blog notes that (as do the prior to entries in this blog, in case you have not noticed, in case it matters, rah rah rah), but the point is that Facebook offers me more meaningful conversation and even more sincere caring (at least in words) than the people I call friends in the real world most days. Certainly the gifts of the laptop, the phone, the free place to live are demonstrations that the people in my life closest to me do care about me, but on a daily basis there is little or no sharing beyond the superficial.

Curly lives in his work, distracted from anything going on outside (he gets testy when The Commodore and I even mention politics or any serious subject, so we don't). He doesn't seem to realize how much he dominates conversation and the games we play by trying to explain everything and not trusting anyone to do anything without his supervision. He says I dominate conversations and games and that is true at times, but he seems to miss the fact that he does it even more. I know it is his insecurity, but it can be very overbearing and confusing when trying to learn a new game.

Jackson has a busy life that does not intersect with mine at all anymore, alas. She is no longer the person I call in an emergency or count on for a ride if I need one. I don't know who I'd call if I got stuck somewhere. She is just too busy and too far away. I wonder if she would call me in an emergency if Brandi was not available. It would hurt even more if she wouldn't. Especially since I have so much time on my hands. Life is very lonely without her.

Helen is there and would probably come out in an emergency, but she lives a very scheduled life most of the time and doesn't go out during the week. We enjoy lunches and dinners together but since I must keep my expenses to a minimum we don't get together as much. We do count on each other for the rides and favors of life, except that because she is busier and like most everyone else, works a job that doesn't give her much time off, it's not that kind of drop everything relationship Jackson and I used to have.

Harpo is probably the one who would drop everything for me fastest but he is also the one not working and having the most free time. I have been avoiding thinking about the softball trip in August but he is probably the one I will ask for a ride to the airport, though he will be busy for the pick-up so I'll have to ponder there. Maybe Helen.

I am realizing that loneliness is growing more and more this year. So Facebook occupies my time and helps me feel less lonely. Facebook gives me more meaningful conversations about life and other subjects. I still refuse to put Facebook on my phone because I do not want to become even more dependent than I am on the sharing I can find there because in many ways it is illusionary and letting it take too much time replaces time I could be sharing with people offline. Finding a close friend and partner off line is still the most important piece of the puzzle of life missing.

The New Facebook Pages

As I mentioned in a prior entry, I am replacing the old facebook pages (which are currently not available due to a FB block on my previous account, which is another long story) with new pages and this entry shall introduce the new Facebook pages, explain their intended purpose, tie them to the old pages, and share a bit about them (and probably me along the way). So sit back with a cool drink and some popcorn or favorite snack as we now present the new and improved latest edition of the introduction to the Facebook Pages. Ta-da and all that jazz. :)

Idea Warehouse (current, working) replaced Brain Food (currently blocked by Facebook) as a repository for ideas and things that stimulate brain cells for any reason that does not better fit into one of the other pages.

Amusements (current, working) replaced Amusements and Distractions (currently blocked by Facebook) as the page for anything that amuses or distracts in some positive way (I think that's the distinction between the ideas page and this one, stuff here should amuse first even if it is pure meaningless distraction for a vacuous brain at times).

Humors, Tumors, and Bloomers (current, working) was an offshoot of (currently blocked by Facebook) as a place for political and social satire, humor, and ridiculousness. That way the actual political page could stay more serious (or as serious as politics and people can be, meaning, can we really take politics or people seriously?... rhetorical question, of course, because, of course, irreverence and babble {and rhetoric} thrive in a place for laughs... which is where I usually prefer to be, in case you have not noticed).

Humans, SMH (current, working) kinda sorta replaced Your Fear Makes You Hate (currently blocked by Facebook) and may also combine parts of a few other pages as it is the place I put stories/videos I read/see that make me shake my head (SMH) at humanity as I wonder something like OMG, that is real, can anyone really believe or do that? It is a very depressing page if you are open to depression, so consider this a disclaimer if you do not have your spirits in a very good place.


Decision 2016 (current, working) replaced Decision 2016 (currently blocked by Facebook) as my place for stuff about politics, especially stuff about this current Presidential election. I am so not wanting to pay any attention to politics and succeeded in fulfilling that desire for most of this life, but Facebook seems to be drawing me into political and sociological discussions more and more so rather than put politics on my primary FB page, I created this one. If the previous page was available, you'd see the evolution of my thinking as I make my decision about who the next President should be along with all sorts of information about the current government.

For the moment, Decision 2016 also seems to get posts that would have previously been posted in OK With You?, True or False?, Independent Views, and Change America (all currently blocked by Facebook). The latter two are pages I had for quite a while and I miss them a lot. Specifically, Change America collected posts that reminded me I actually did care about the future of humanity, the world, and most specifically this country. Independent Views focused on my desire to remain obkective about the world of politics, government, and social issues. OK With You? asked that question about specific issues and posts, is this ok with you? True or False? asked that question about questionable news articles like accusations candidates make against each other. You can read more about the political connection to the blocking of my previous Facebook account here.


Reading Material (current, working) replaced Light Reading and mostly Been There, Saw That (both currently blocked by Facebook) as the place for any articles or videos that don't fit in to any other the other pages whether I read/watched them or just am curious and want to remember to read/watch them when I have time. The two original pages separated articles from videos, but I seem to have abandoned that separation for now. I also seem to forget to post things I read or watch there a lot.

Things To Do (current, working) kinda sorta may have replaced An Extra Head and Material World Stuff (currently blocked by Facebook), though if I get back into posting dozens of links a day as I was doing before FB blocked my Bugs Webbot account, I may need an extra head again. Things to Do focuses on actual things to do in this life, locally or on a bucket list. Maybe also things to check out, buy, or explore further. An extra head was a place where I put stuff that I would really like to explore further if I had more time, or an extra head. I think.

More Stuff (current, working) kinda sorta may have replaced Material World Stuff (currently blocked by Facebook), as a place for stuff I'd like to have (if cost was no object). Kind of a wish list for stuff. Some stuff just for the fun of it, some stuff I really think is cool.

Hope For Us All (current, working) sort of replaced Trying To Be Positive and to a lesser extent Wide Awake at 4am (both currently blocked by Facebook) as a place for positivity. There may be more pages in this vein or the latest may combine all the positive pages I had in the past or want to have in the future. Trying to Be Positive actually had others contributing as Editors. Wide Awake at 4am was my personal page from long ago where I put things that inspired me and sometimes things that represented who I am and who I want to be (when I am not being me). A lot of loss is felt when I think about these pages right now, so I am not very positive when I go on FB as the scars of the loss of ten years of time and energy and me poured into the site still hurts.

Touched By Music replaced my previous music page that I will continue to hope to see again someday. Music gives words a spirit beyond reading and songs are as close to a religious experience as I have known in this life (though falling in love may surpass it from time to time, songs are always there and falling in love is sometimes just out of reach). More to follow, everywhere.

Random Trivia probably replaced something, but I don't feel like exploring the referencing sections of the library in my head at the moment so let's just leave it as it is for now. It's supposed to be fun... and random, after all.

Hungry may be an attempt at a Foodie page or it may just be temptations and torture (which is sometimes how my relationship with food can be described I suppose lol lam).

Money Ideas is new, relatively speaking. There I shall provide occasional tips on stocks and other get-rich-quick schemes. Spend your money at your own risk, naturally (no, I will not do Dr. Evil for you... at least not tonight). You may have missed my tip to buy Microsoft in 1985. I know, it was a busy year. This is your second chance.

Human Link for Pulse (current, working) is a new group (not a page) created by someone else who added me as an Administrator (the FB title, not the haughty Corporate BS, but I suppose that is better than "Owner, which is a flat out lie). It was created to bring our community together to support each other and the families of people killed or wounded at the Pulse night club. This is mostly where I have been online for the past month, doing whatever could to life spirits and organize gatherings to support, protect, and heal.

Feeling Our Pulses is the page I created to put positive information for the community. It is intended to save the best and most useful/helpful posts from the group. I have not been updating nearly as much as I intended.

Pulse Posts Collected was intended to be the place I put posts I wanted to review before posting them in the group or on my page. I did not use this nearly as much as I intended. There was just not enough time.

As I said in a previous entry, I spent 12-18 hours a day outside in the community at funerals and other gatherings and fought sleep to catch up with, update the group, and respond to the group after I got home. I skipped sleep some nights and got little sleep other nights, but I felt useful and that was my way to heal, giving to others. If you've read me over the years, you may have noticed. :)

There were five more pages blocked by FB that I've yet to reinstate for the moment, but hopefully they will return as they are much a part of me. One for my love of the night and one for my love of music most especially. Two of the others were for helping others. One of the others was my release for the madness of world religions that I really wish would go away, but until it does I use humor and reason to accept it exists and in that way, I tolerate the different points of view and ways of life as much as possible.

Finally (for now), introducing myself on Facebook (as much as FB allows and in spite of the direct way FB prevents this), Bugs Webbot (the page, current, working) and Remembering Bugs Webbot (the group, current, working) are intended to replace my original account (currently blocked by Facebook) that was me on Facebook for almost ten years. I have no access to the thousands of photos, videos, and posts I and others shared over the years, no less the friends lost due to the sudden loss of the account access, so it is still very sad to go to either the page or the group for me, but both are there hoping I find the will (and trust for Facebook that is lost) to start recreating myself on the FB site. A few loyal lunatics and friends seem to appreciate the freedom of creativity of using a nickname, so Bugs lives, even if it is just now and then. I have this idea that I can explain it to FB in some way that touches a human heart at the Company and get ten years of photos and writings back in my possession, but I taken a break from banging my head against their automated walls for the moment.

Privacy Issues was created with the intent to explain to anyone who cares, including Facebook people, how the automated blocking system contradicts it's intended goal and worse, interferes with the growth and purpose of the social network concept. Some venting might happen there too, but in all seriousness, the FB robots even do real damage to organizational efforts by much needed groups and communities in the real world.

So that is a tour of my world on Facebook, almost complete (hey, there are always things in the works and just as always secrets tempting you to read on, right? lol?).

ClickBait and Facebook

Not the kind that takes you to websites that take forever to upload (don't you just hate that?) and even freeze your browser, but my personal clickbait hoping you will be interested in getting to know me better through all of my various web presences. In spite of the way the web unintentionally (and intentionally) tries to destroy us. Facebook tried to kill Bugs Webbot, but a few loyal lunatics and friends seem to appreciate the freedom of creativity so Bugs lives, even if it is just barely.

I have this idea that I can explain it to Facebook (like anyone there even cares what they do to people who depend on them for so much) and get ten years of photos and writings back in my possession, but I have not devoted time to the privacy issues inherently wrong in Facebook so I simply started again, replacing the Bugs account with a new account and replacing the facebook pages with new pages I just may introduce today or soon here.

Actually, the facebook entries can be quite revealing (in case it matters, I mean, in case you actually want to know me, or something like that) and maybe even full of secrets (you could travel back in time too), but then again, who knows.

The Next Step

For reasons I may discover some time down the road if I choose to look back and re-read and remember the events of the days leading up to and immediately following the pause, I paused the process of uploading entries for almost a month (so far) and even paused the writing daily during much of that time. Facebook occupied much of my online time, but online time was minimal this past month. Most of my time was spent outside standing vigil and offering support for the community. Pulse.

Irony, coincidence, fate, whatever we might believe the explanation or reason, I had the free time (not working) to live the love and giving that makes me happy for the past month and make caring a verb. Opportunities like that do not come around every day since most every day of this life we are working and too busy to give much time to anything. I am reminded of how much I have and can give and how much worth there is in my way of being, which was a great gift for me. It was challenging, especially alone. I didn't look out for myself at all and have no real new contacts for a job, which was foolish, but then, this was not about me except to give me the opportunity to enjoy the pleasure of giving. For as much as enjoyment could happen the past few weeks.

The stresses about money and the questions of my worth that come about when I have no job dissolved into the useless pool of meaningless thoughts as the sense of purpose filled my days and nights. Each night I would return to the group a few of us created on Facebook to support the community through weeks filled with funerals, viewings, vigils, and events bringing caring hearts together to hold each other and remind each other we are not alone.

Now I ponder the next step. Support the group healing, that's for sure. Support the actions and gatherings in the community to heal. Return to some sense of balance and routine in this daily life. Hopefully return to updating here and in the brief blog daily. Start looking at the job market again. Enjoy the summer, partnerless (the loneliess are strong lately), but not friendless. Appreciate what I have.

Narf. :)

Asshole Cops

I have a lot of friends on different police forces in this area. I play softball with some and know others through social or work activities. I have a lot of respect and admiration for the friends I know. There are, however, still too many asshole cops out there who seem to enjoy belittling people and abusing their authority way too much. Some are seriously dangerous. The videos are everywhere.

Tonight I met one. A petite woman who appeared to be showing off for a trainee with her. She stopped me because I was driving with daylight headlights only even though before she turned on her lights, I noticed and I turned on all of my lights. She told me she stopped me for driving without headlights. She stood at my back window with no more than the top of her head sightly visible to me on the passenger side of my car. Her trainee stood a few feet back from the car, though more visible to me. I could not tell which one was actually talking because if the glare of her floodlights shining in my car.

She asked for my paperwork and I handed her my license. I started searching through my wallet for my registration and she got pissy telling me I should have it ready at all times. Her hostility and haughtiness was ridiculous. She lost my respect with her attitude and rudeness, but then she insisted that she was stopping me because I was driving with no lights on and I explained that the car turns daylight running lights on automatically when it starts, so the manufacturer makes her claim impossible. I accepted that the taillights were not turned on, but the headlights were on. I turned the car off and then on to demonstrate and said I am not trying to give you a hard time, but I just want the ticket to be accurate and I was not driving without headlights.

I gave her my registration and insurance and she took my paperwork back to her car while her trainee smiled and apologetically shrugged. Ten minutes later they came back to the car and I looked at the passenger side because the trainee was slightly visible there. She was nowhere to be seen. She banged on my driver's door. I could not tell who was talking as they were both behind the back doors. She lectured me about the dangers of driving without lights and said she was giving me a written warning so it is documented and the next time I am stopped it will cost me money. That mentality of making money creates hostile and way too many traffic stops and she was already assuming I would be stopped again. Maybe she'll be looking for my car. Her attitude was so disrespectful that her trainee partner rolled his eyes.

She waited in silence before handing me my paperwork and the written warning as if I was suppose to say something. I just sat there because she was not going to bait me into giving her reason to ask me to step out of the car. Then asked if I understood what she said. I said yes and she waited a bit longer, as if to provoke me into saying something. She finally repeated what she said in a more hostile tone and then tossed the paperwork past my ear onto my lap. She huffed off calling to her trainee with the final words "We're done here." The partner made eye contact, smiled sheepishly, and said have a good night. I said thank you to him, you too.

She was not going to get a kiss-ass thank you or any further discussion from me as she was disrespectful and not representing her authority in any way that was right. That seemed to tick her off as much as my pointing out that new cars have automatic headlights.

Altamonte Springs police department can do a lot better in their hiring and training than that power tripping woman. At least her trainee had enough sense not to follow her arrogant and disrespectful lead. I hope she doesn't hurt someone one of these nights.

Otherwise, today was softball and cards, I think.

Make it a good night.

Wanting Not Doing

I really want to update this blog (and Good Intentions too) but even with the best of intentions I have many entries waiting for me to find the time to edit and upload (or at least upload) but time has just not been allotted to being online enough to return to the process (who recalls the process, I wonder)...

would you like to swing on a star?
do you know why you are where you are?
or who you are to everyone?
or even to your the one?
have you found your the one?

searching for a lifetime for a dream
the other half of the perfect team
partner soulmate true love heart's desire
sidekick alter ego blessed fire
consort cohort comrade companion confidante
best friend lover trustee intimate debutante

you don't know how many times I wished that I had told you
how much I cherish you, how much I want to love you
I will beg, borrow, or steal anything to convince you
if only you say you want me to, I'll give my all to you

would you like to fall in love that much?

. . .


Leaving rhymes unfinished used to be a sign of feeling wasted and maybe even hopeless, though hopelessness never lasted long in this life for me because part of my core philosophy, probably the second most important phrase after honesty without harm is there's always hope (I hope) with a smirk in parentheses that creates the never ending loop in the phrase (it is the song that never ends). I mean, I hope there's always hope so there's always hope, I hope, get it?

Yeah so anyway, wanting to update this blog and upload the many dozens of entries in various forms of completion is a far cry from actually doing it which brings us to the biggest disappointments of life. How many of us want to do something we don't do. All the things I love to do most in this life I either don't do anymore or rarely do it. I definitely hope writing and blogging does not ever become one of those things because this process of writing keeps me sane and balances and happy and uploading words keeps hope alive that someone will actually care about me (not just want to care, ya see) and that hope keeps me functionally alive.

This blog is turning into the distraction from reality, the escape from the daily life because the daily life is so challenging today. Every day, another funeral or more. Every day, people breaking down and I stand there listening and showing them strength and support. Every day I get home and do it again on Facebook in the support groups.

Other things happen, but they don't seem important. Caring from strangers is so much deeper than daily life. Sigh, I will miss the caring and the being needed, but I am tired. Tragedy is draining. Healing is draining. Living...

Stay Strong.

Lonely Phase

Sometimes sleep comes like a wave smothering consciousness and sometimes it brings many hours of beautiful peaceful rest. Sometimes it lasts just a few hours, one sleep cycle, then something wakes me (most often the bladder since I started taking blood pressure medication that contains a diuretic) and I stumble about to the bathroom or for a drink or wherever and when I lay back down thoughts rise up to push sleep away, even when the body still feels exhausted. What do I do wrong to be alone this far down the line? Why do I refuse to bow to the cultural norms? Why do I think I am right in my ways when I am the model of failure by most cultural standards? And so on.

Tonight, a few hours ago, that is precisely what happened. Frustration over the internet not being connected and Dave must have fallen asleep early (I texted him at 8:30 and he had just gotten home a bit before that) and he did not respond and I could not solve the router issue myself (fuse?... burned out?... something else?... it blinks on after it is plugged in then the lights go out on the front but the lights for the four output cables remain lit on the back) and that lead to frustrated thoughts about not being able to switch to the new laptop or even distract myself and that lead to frustration about not being able to check in with the people who look for my comments and posts in the support group and that lead to feelings of letting people down and failure and boom, the floodgates opened.

No one has, to this point in life, cared enough about me to want to stay close to me throughout this life no matter how much I gave when they were close. Ever notice how close the word close is to the word lose? You may be right, I may be crazy. Anyway, I messed up relationships by wanting more than others could give. I wanted (and still want) unconditional love and trust. I give it completely and it was never returned. I think it scares people away. Too real. Too honest. Too much. Sigh. I can rationalize away my momentary screw ups, but there is just no reasonable outcome because I remain alone. There always seems to come that moment when I ask for more, a moment of weakness when I do not want to be the strong one, and the more does not come. I always must be the strong one, it is my role. Sigh.

So I lament at times and ask... why do I always have to be the strong one? (the question is rhetorical, mostly, I think, but feel free to answer if you want to, if you're out there, if you care). I know you stop by, don't think I don't appreciate it. I just have so much logical evidence (ah, how loud silence can be, aye?) that no one cares that sometimes I accept the reality of the silence and aloneness and let it swallow any hope of sharing as I dream of sharing. Tonight that dark cloud came and suffocated me so I got out of bed and figured out how to play some bridge and some chess on the old laptop until it started overheating and then, here we are. New laptop, no internet, but the words flow. In case you didn't know it (or forgot), as long as the words flow, the garden can grow and as long as the garden grows, life flows and I shall be alright.

I came here to talk to my imaginary the one as I do from time to time. If you want to know what makes me tic, well, you can read the blogs under that section of the gardens or you could just try to figure me out in person (beware, yeah yeah yeah... come on over lol). I write because I write in the hope that the one will stumble across some of my words and recognize her kindred spirit, her other half that is whole as she is, her the one who knows how to come together and meld two into one with her. I write for many other reasons, but that is the deepest most powerful hope of all. Since longing for her to arrive an be quite agonizing, mostly I write to distract myself from that longing (see how well it is working?) and to keep in touch with myself and anyone who might care. Oh, how I long to be understood, aye? (the end-of-the-universe smile rises with the sun) :)

I'm lonely phasing again. I allowed the busy life of caring about others in need to take over again because there were so many in need out there these past few weeks and I find myself alone again, (too naturally and for the moment this is one of those moments when alone feels so unnatural because the desire to share, to love and be loved is so profoundly powerful, nothing else matters).

I feel ellipses even as I stay the course of using periods I started with this blog. Maybe it's a Tebow. Find the laughter, we've simply got to find the laughter. Survival of the species is at stake. On a personal in-the-moment note, the wave of self-pity that threatened to drown me earlier is passing. Thoughts of all the stuff in storage were part of that. $140 a month for more than 20 years because I fell in love with a user who took everything I had and broke me emotionally. I am still broken, unfortunately, and nobody cares to help fix me (and it does take two to test the trust again and until the trust is tested again, one can only hope the fix actually happened... if you know what I mean). So the rhetorical why should I... questions rise to almost logical resonance. Why should I care anymore if nobody else does... Why should I work on fixing myself if I may already be fixed and nobody wants me as I am anyway?... Why should I go on if no one will ever share this life and the dream of sharing everything completely openly and honestly with unconditional trust in unconditional love, infinite, eternal, happily ever after... with me?...

Ah, there come the ellipses... for what they're worth. Perhaps all this rambling babbling is simply the philosophical musings of the infinite possibilities a mind can reach for if left alone long enough. I wish I could find a more comfortable chair.

What?... you want brevity?

Narf :)