Avoiding Facebook

Nothing much is happening so I decided to ramble on about my recent visit to Facebook again, just a bit. I did meet helen for lunch at one of the nearby Chinese buffets and still wonder why I am not dropping the weight I want to drop. I am eating less than 1000 calories most days... I'm just not doing enough exercise to birn 3500 calories a day so I am not dropping much weight. And now, on to Facebook.

I've been doing my best to avoid Facebook and don't miss it at all (until I wonder why people don't keep in touch unless I am on there), but once in a while a text message notifies me something was posted on my page or someone close posted something (their text notifications seem rather random as when I go there are many things I did not get a text for that are in the same category as those I do get texts for, but whatever). So I go on Facebook to check a private message (PM) because the text said someone posted "Please check your PMs on my wall. I am being asked to volunteer for a couple of things in the community and responded asking the people to text me info. Two did within five minutes (at 1am) and I am helping with organizing Angels for the Pride Parade next weekend and attending a support party in a few weeks. So I then, against my better judgment, explore the other 100 PMs waiting and then, all the information and distractions and news and nonsense that the newsfeed Facebook chooses for me (I control much of it as I choose what I want to see first).

So many PMs, so little time. I addressed direct questions and requests and explained, once again, that I am seldom on FB and to reach me they can text or call and I included my number. My number has been in my FB profile for almost 10 years.

Then, the newsfeed. Beyond the political and other madness and occasional amusement (in case you did not know, when I do visit Facebook I collect articles and stuff on my own Facebook pages and I am Admin in a group or few), a friend's dog has cancer and had to have a leg amputated. Another friend has to say goodbye to his 18 year old cat this week. Then I find out my uncle died. Adopted family I have not seen in at least 10 years if not 15 or more, but still... he was a nice man and his kids, my cousins, were the closes people to me in that family so it is sad and personal.

I just fell in love again. I know, it's a first sight (and listen) impulse), but it feels good even if it fades. Almost like when I first saw Dia more than ten years ago. Celebvrity crushes, you know, creative fun and emotional inspiration. You can see for yourself (sad song, but beautiful... especially if you want to believe in a life in the sky somwehere after you die). Seriously. And they've been around a while but never crossed my path before. This inspired me to re-start a music page on Facebook.

Maybe there is still hope for us all.

What A Difference

What a difference a coma makes. Or an m, for that atter. Matter, even. Heard that before? Well... who cares, right? So ok, like I could care less about whether anyone cares about whether I care about whether anyone cares about whether I care if anyone cares. What? I know what I said, but do you? Just because you've read some of this before does not mean you read all of it, or understood any of it, because that's just the way it is, some things will never change. Because I think I always wanted to be inimitable, that's why. You could have been a contender, if only you would have wanted to be, after all. We could have been friends and changed our lives.

Yes, there we are again (the way we were?) trying (and trying again, and again) and attempting, even, to give brief daily updates a shot. Tears come to the mind when I realize how much I've lost and missed or it could all be a bad dream or something I ate. As I said, in case it matters, maybe it's the nostalgia of watching the first season of Saturday Night Live which, even after 40 years (the Richard Pryor episode is so sadly prophetic and relevant today, unless you are blind and still have a closed mind like most people... what'd I say?... kill the Arabs and take their oil?... how do so many people stay oblivious to the obvious?... conditioned to delusional thinking from birth?... religion?... institutional greed and selfishness facilitated by insecurity?... oh, is it because he is black?), is as stupid (and we mean that in the most brilliantly complimentary way) and winsome as ever (thank you Lily... and Shelly Pryor too... but oh how I miss Gilda most of all, sigh).

Stupid and winsome, that's a lot like life these days. Or Beethovan. What a difference some drugs make, aye? Roll over. So today is Wednesday, you know what that means, we're gonna have a special guest. No, not really. Nobody visits. Nobody cares. I am perfecting the self-pity song that nobody knows. Songs you never heard, remember? Can I get an amen? Oh course not, but no worries, I didn't really want one. Ever. I am feeling sleepy again. I may need some Jamitol.

See why I haven't been there? It is not as if I have actually been gone, after all. I've been right here, mostly. Babbling between naps and stress and the gardens continue to grow, in case it matters. I just don't weed and feed or follow any of the normal protocols and styles or stop the mind from wandering where it will go, ya know?

George Carlin is ranting about hypocrisy. Just one more thing to love about him.

In Case It Matters is meant to be the brief, to the point, just the facts, simple one-stop blog listing the events and experiences of the daily life but the fact appears to be that daily life is way too boring for me and that gets depressing so why bother? You want to know? So as I wonder often and ask occasionally, why don't you ask, huh? huh? huh? You can find answers here, though they may not be to your questions. Or, if you have an extra hundred million dollars laying around, here.

Sometimes I just get tired of eating out of cans.

Yes, this is the point. The simple events and experiences of the day without embellishment or frills have not been coming. Here is an example. So today I woke up early and sat at the computer a few minutes looking at jobs and fell back to sleep. I headed back to bed because the stomach didn't feel good again (it's been a thing for a while... not sure if it's the change in diet or the reason for the change in diet and without more medical tests I may never know) and a bad dream about finding my car stolen because I made a quick trip to buy something while someone important to me was waiting at a hotel or somewhere and I felt very sad because I had a lot of stuff in the car and I blew an opportunity to spend time with someone very important to me and my heart was crushed and traumatized... woke me up a few hours later.

So I turned on reruns of the first season of SNL and came here. I miss Gilda, did I mention that? I miss childhood. I miss honesty and honest people not indoctrinated in the normalcy of standards and judgments and pretenses of the world. I miss the good health and strong fit body I used to be in. I miss food. I'm hungry. I miss starting sentences with a word other than I.

What a difference a day makes, aye? Sadly, in some ways, it make no difference at all.

There's always hope, yes, as long as there is babbling, there's always hope.

Narf :)

Tuesdays Are Not Mondays (Cards, TV, and Small Minds)

I used to play softball on Tuesday nights but decided to not play Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday not only to get rest and do other social things, but just in case I found a job that did not have hours compatible with weeknight softball. I still play Mondays and though I missed the first game of the season to help out at a silent auction benefit (I heard they were run ruled by a team that will be moved up to the upper division next week... we won last night 14-11). Tuesdays evenings are card parties. Sometimes four sometimes more people playing Spades, Hearts, Oh Hell, or other games. This week a new activity was added. It will likely move to Wednesday evenings once I start working again (aren't I hopeful?). Now that I have CBS All Access I will likely watch one, two, or three shows after cards (or Wednesday evenings, as I said). NCIS, Bull, and NCIS:NO. I can miss the last one and the middle one is new, but I'll likely watch all three as long as I have the time.

So for TV distraction, amusement, and that sense of imaginary family and friends I have Big Bang Theory and Scorpion (Mondays), NCIS, Bull, and NCIS:NO (Tuesdays), Criminal Minds (Wednesdays), Football (Thursdays), Pure Genius (Thursdays after football ends), Elementary (Sundays). Possibly a couple of others, all for $10 a month. So I will miss BBC America and Sci-Fi shows, but I'll work on finding ways to see those and until then I have a lot of choices. What sucks is shows I would watch (Angel From Hell, CSI: Cyber, Extant, Under the Dome and Supergirl) are not coming back, at least not next season.

Unfortunately, The Syfy Channel and the BBC America Channel does not have an online option. They require a viewer to pay a cable TV provider in order to sign in and view their shows. That really sucks and is one more example of how the Oligarchy works. They are small businesses, not like CBS, so they are forced by their contracts with the big cable providers to restrict viewership online to only people who pay the ridiculous amounts of money to watch cable chock full of psychologically manipulated commercials cohercing you to pay more money for stuff you don't need. Long live the king.

I feel sorry for the millions of greedy people who admire the successful greedy people who rule them the way royalty ruled serfs hundreds of years ago. So much ignorance and servitude bred into people under the guise of the work ethic. The logic and benefit of collective cooperative commerce requires an enlightened awareness of their own selfishness and greed they are sadly lacking.

The TV distraction is obviously over. I will turn to season one of Saturday Night Live now and hope the awareness of the reality of human greed, cruelty, and stupidity goes away again for a while.

So we played some Oh Hell and Spades tonight. I lost to Dave at both so he was happy. He doesn't seem to notice that I do it deliberately, so he hasn't ranted to me lately. He did rant about how lazy people don't deserve help and he and Knobby showed their limited knowledge of other races once again. They are tolerant one on one, but express gross generalizations and insensitivity when talking about others. I can only imagine how they talk about me when I am not around. The more I listen to them, the more I realize they are philosophically at opposite ends of the spectrum in so many ways, it is amazing we tolerate each other.

Get a job and independence back.

They are so caught up in the rat race, even though they work for themselves, that they don't see how they are rats in a maze hating all the other rats and convinced they are better than all the other rats. Leaving the whole normal world behind is looking better and better these days. What humanity has done with life and this world, sigh, can we get a do-over?

Anybody out there want to start over?

The saddest thing of all is most people who call themselves my friend in this world don't even read any of my babbling and even sadder (yes, sadder than the saddest thing, it's a thing, really) is most, if not all, would feel sorry for me focusing on the depressive complaining venting and missing the point.

Narf. :)

Debate, News, Colbert, Softball, and Food

Since CBS is the only live access I have on the internet (at least that I know of), I watched the last half hour of the circus called the Presidential Debates, then watched the news, then Stephen Colbert comes up next. I'd be curious to see a time of speaking stat because in the part of the debate I watched, the moderator allowed Trump to speak a lot more than Clinton. The recap commentators said Clinton had a lot more specifics in response to questions about her plans while Trump offered the same sound bites he's used since day one which, unfortunately, is enough for half the country who do not seem to realize they are not getting details from him. I wish there was an alternative to Clinton with a viable chance to win, but the elections are rigged to keep other candidates who will be on the ballot out of the debates and off tv so people can't learn about Stein or Johnson without spending a lot of time doing a lot of research and realistically, people are not going to do that.

So Trump offers the illusion of change and people buy it the way banks loan him money even after all of his bankrupcies and failed businesses. Clinton offers some of the same old crap that has given the country to an Oligarchy that created a constant need for war and bleeding the planet dry of resources. Trump is part of that Oligarchy. Clinton represents it in government. That's the choice, the wolf or the wolf's representative. Either way, it is a pretense of chance and the same old divisive hate-fed world.

CBS news seems very Clinton biased, though they are using some facts. He is repeating cliche sound bites, ignoring questions, and not offering any detail or answers. She is providing details which are the same old plans that created the mess we are in. They both say "trust me" and they both want what is best for the wealthy. The country deserves what they get, either way, because that is the choice the majority makes.

Meanwhile, I am hungry. My belly full but me hungry. Two kinds of squash, cucumber, about four ounces of cottage cheese, about four ounces of yogurt, about a tablespoon of raw potato starch, about a dozen baby carrots, an apple, and about a dozen almonds. The belly is stuffed. I still feel hungry. Probably a lack of salt and minerals in the new diet. Hopefully I will get used to it and not feel hungry after a while. I feel more bloated than I used to after pigging out at a buffet yet all I ate were veggies, a dozen almonds, and maybe 8 ounces of dairy. Maybe it's the tablespoon of raw potato starch. I didn't have my apply wine vinegar today yet.

Then, Colbert. He obviously finds a lot more material to mock in Trump and gives Hillary a free pass, but then, he is part of the wealthy class she and other politicians cater to. He is amusing at times and has the occasional zinger (Hillary was so prepared for the debate his new name for her is Preparation H, because, after all, she did cool the Bern) but he really doesn't address the serious issues in the government run by the small wealthy class the way he used to on the Colbert Report. That may be because the Democrats have been exposed as being as much at fault for that as the Republicans and it's not his job.

Earlier I returned to Monday night Softball and we won 14-11 after leading 13-3. They came back with 5 in the fifth and 3 in the sixth. We were home team and there were less than three minutes left when we got out of the top of the sixth. A home run, a single, and two outs later and three minutes went by. The other team was mouthing off about how we delayed the game in those three minutes but only one ball was taken by the four batters and three minutes would be exceptionally fast for a half inning (including them taking the field). Six innings in 60 minutes would be an average of five minutes each half inning. Sour grapes. Most of us ignored them. We won.

I went to the supermarket for food after the game so I could stop whining about being hungry and having no food in the house. I guess it only half worked. I don't want to spend money on shrimp and sushi and other more expensive foods while I have no income so I am without any comfort foods these days. You may have heard that a few hundred times already. It sucks.

I had a really unpleasant weekend, emotionally. I am much better now.

Nite nite.

Narf. :)

Long Down Weekend

We lost another game today. None players showed up. The coach was coaching his other team. The assistant coach was out of town. No preparations were made. I should be flattered that they batted me fourth. We played on one of the worst fields in town because our contracted fields were being used for a tournament. The lack of organization and planning for the league and for the team is really annoying. Again.

It did not help the overall downbeat of stress over feeling lonely and useless and blah blah blah. I should have called the Thrift Store about the job on Friday instead of letting the doubts and stress grow over the weekend. Yeah, there is a dark depressing clouds raining down on me. Until it passes, I present something I wrote to a dear friend during another dreary storm for your edification and entertainment.

Don't be scared now.

The winds of chance, the energy, or perhaps some force beyond my current awareness has presented challenges in the past few hours. Google Chrome stopped working for me. I wandered the web for solutions all night and as the sun rose, I started using Opera as a browser. Then, suddenly, as if to taunt me, Chrome pops up after an installation of the latest Adobe Flash. I leave out many details of the night's escapades. Fantasy football drafting, watching TV online, various other activities, and the usual writing (which has not been so usual or frequent of late, but that's another story). Then coming here to the blogs to find your entry.

Chills for the memory of such love and loss and still gaping wounds, for me at least, that I seem to nurture as a monument to heart-felt folly that may be the wall keeping intimacy away. Ancient memories, still so fresh and numb between searing surges of sophistry and the occasional dramatic pause...

Of course it is the drugs, the chemicals produced by our own brains that seduce us into believing someone is the entire world, Of course we appreciate the roller coaster ride of emotions even as we are tossed off, unless, of course, we did not enjoy the ride while it lasted. Only fools and liars pretend they did not revel in the illusion of two becoming one so we'd never be lonely again.

I feel sad to imagine that some people never stepped into the waters of the ocean of emotions we loosely call falling in love. I feel even sadder that I have not even been to the coast in a long long time (as Linda Rondstadt sings in my mind). I dream much weirder and scarier dreams now.

Not even the Phantom of the opera could imagine the turmoil of distraction and fear that plays off-key in the restless emptiness of my imagination. I laugh at my current state of being realizing I have finally reached a portion of my goal to be human. To be normal. To be unaware of the mess I made even as I make it.

We just need to go through it. Let go of the reigns. Leave the conscious awareness on the beach and dive in as deep as it goes. Slide, glide, hide the reason and just let time go by. That is how we can lose everything.

I feel sad for anyone who has not lose everything at least once in this life. Even sadder for those who gave up and did not rebuild, for in the regeneration of a life, appreciation for the experience is exponentially enhanced.

I enjoyed the top of the mountain. I enjoyed the valley. I still watching the wheels go by now as I slide into another crevice from which I may not want to extricate. Yet I go it alone as it seems that is my plight.

Someday my princess might come.

I hope I am still here. :)

May these words offer some distraction or more as you do through what you are going through. I imagine you understand some and that is enough sometimes. I hope your sun shines through the clouds to cast rainbows on your eyes, as tears can do if we let them (sometimes you have to squint just a bit).

I am happy you were here. You inspired my smile. :)

I am weirdly amused.

Narf. :)

A Few Days From Now

Well, I'm pretty certain that I am over any cable withdrawals I might have had. I am absolutely certain I will not intentionally return to Live TV again. Watching TV online without commercials has spolied me. It means compromise. After many months, I tried Live TV tonight. No more. It means not having all of the shows I'd like. I may check out other channels to see if they have similar deals. I'd probably pay $10 a month for Sci-Fi and for BBC America. Maybe. The fact is, TV has way too many commercials for me to ever go back to willingly watching Live TV.

Between the commercials (and have I screamed from the rooftops how much I loathe the political commercials. I mean, if I hear Clinton drone on about her love for children one more time I will start supporting Trump. I haven't seen any of his commercials. I've seen hers a hundred times, at least. They murder youtube channels and for me, her voice and whole persona is so fake, pretentious, condescending, and dangerously devious that seeing and hearing her turns me off completely. Trump is a very bad joke. She is everything that is wrong with our system of government and country that produced the spoiled bully class that he represents so well. People seem to want their celebrities, their royalty, their gods.

For me, it's an immature ignorance that represents stupidity.

Meanwhile, between the annoying commercials, surprises can be found along with some pleasureable distraction and amusement and more is found. For now let's just say that a bit of inspiration can go a long long way. The links within the links within the links may explain a bit more.

Wasting time, perhaps. but if one person reads and finds one moment of worth in any of my babbling, it was worth it. If the one finds me spilled out all over the web in words, my dreams come true. In the end, if you think I am wasting my time, well, what are you doing right now>

Laughing, perhaps. There's always hope. The point is, you are reading, I mean, in case you didn't get it.

Yes, I wrote this tomorrow, or a few days from now.

Narf. :)

I Want To Live

Not really recalling the John Denver lyric, I am feeling the after-effects (and affects, no doubt) of yesterday's long day in the sun and concerns of a few different maladies like CKD, Stones, Diabetes, Anemia, Hemorrhoids, Lisinopril side effects, Depression, all the way up to CHF and Tumors danced through my mind last night and made for semi-restless sleep and a mediocre affect (blah blah blah) this day, but I distract myself thinking about the final season and episode of Castle, but mostly the blah is a wave of impatience as I wait for a call back
from the last job interview and concerns that they might have chosen someone else in spite of the Manager telling me he wants to hire me. The waiting is the hardest part.

I forgot what day it was. I lost track of time on purpose quite often in this past year. At least I made attempts to lose track of time. It is sometimes a futile effort. Almost a week went by, again, and the waiting for a response about a job stalled the job search some more. The more I search, the more SPAM I get. The more unsolicited calls I get. A sad loop downward into a depressive spiral toward giving up, no doubt.

Not dead yet.

So whatever day it was, I did an online task, step two in renewing my Risk Manager license. I still need to do something else so I left a message with the contact in Tallahassee for more information about other documents I need to submit. I sprayed the weeds out front because the spraying Curly did last week has been slow in acting on the weeds. Last time I did this some guy came later in the day to cut all the weeds. He doesn't tell me stuff much these days, maybe because I am not as much help as he wants me to be because of increasing physical limitations. Stamina is diminishing dramatically in the past few months. Wait, where are the distractions.

So I found Bones on Hulu.

That was a few days ago too. Time is so irreverently irrelevent these days. After watching the last season of Castle through to the series finale, I watched the last season of Bones and then I watched the current new season episodes of a few shows (I found that the subscription to CBS All Access allows me to stream current CBS shows. The bad news is even connected with ethernet cable the stream from CBS sucks at times) and then I found Misfits and have been watching that. Cards and softball and you know, the usual.

Somebody hold me.

Narf.

Mondays, Meh

The normal work week starts and everybody gets busy with work (Curly's work ethic appears more and more annoyed with my trying to enjoy {coping, but he doesn;t get that} the free time not working provides. I get online and start searching for jobs and distraction. Blah blah blah, the routine can be sad as every day is another failure (or many failures) as each application or resume rejected or ignored is a failure to get a job. So I leave the online TV on for distraction (and entertainment when I am not beating myself up like an over-zealous work ethic does, ya know?)

Here's an annoying distraction now. I am so sick of the "she cares" commercial. It keeps popping up on CBS online. Also on Youtube. How do people really believe she cares? People are so delusional, no wonder the world is in the state it is in. If she cared she would do what is right. Feed children, educate people, and save lives with basic health care. Instead, she continues the path to destruction that comes from supporting the war machine with half a trillion dollars each year while pretending there is not enough money to feed children, educate people, or save people's lives with basic health care. Must keep the billionaires running the defense industry, the health care industry, the insurance industry, the drug industry, and other billionaires happy so the bribes keep coming.

Whatever, out damn politics.

So a far away friend I never met who has shared an on again off again blog entitled a post Begging for Thread (and I am not even sure the song Google took me too when I searched had anything to do with her post) and I listened to parts of three more Banks songs and noticed Youtube suggested a few songs I had either listened to recently or maybe their just read my mind and the saddest thing (oh Linda how you reached me once) which brought back so many of the deepest memories of tapes lost in Toronto about love lost in New York and a couple of Kate Bush songs including a sensual world la la la but I just copied links and I decided to listen to Lenka and hope.

Now back to Castle.

This is life these days. Waiting for responses for resumes and applications sent out. Searching for more places to send resumes and applications. Wandering the web or more recently, watching TV online when the waiting is a bummer and I seek distraction. Today, in additional to the internal distractions, I wandered the neighborhood for many hours (most of the day) kinda sorta making up chores to do. I spent money I did not need to spend, but I did get stuff I would have gotten if I was working and things I will use immediately (already have). Better underwear for wicking perspiration away from the body. Had to go to Fedex to print and scan another document needed to renew my Risk Manager License (not having a printer is a very time consuming inconvenience). I went to several stores to try to find Chelated Iron and finally realized I may have to order it online. Yes, my days was full of excitement and wonder.

I drove to the evening softball game in the rain because the field did not finally call the rain out until a half hour before game time in spite of a half hour downpour leading up to game time. I returned home and distracted myselg with Hulu as I found the latest season of Bones (I am beginning to see shows come and go on Hulu rather suddenly at times).

Finally (for the day, before the evening game disappointment), I had another job interview. It went ok, but I don't think I want the job. Goodwill assistant manager paying $11 an hour. Goodwill is not a company I want to work for based on research (greedy corporate as exemplified by what they pay managers) and the low pay provides incompetent easily replaceable management and staff. Not a healthy environment. I had to miss --- funeral, sigh. I have tried not to think about it as you may have noticed from my ramblings, TV watching, and choice to wander through stores. She will be missed.

Sigh.

Castles Burning

Yeah, the writing elsewhere continues and there is a song in the title, but I am actually watching Castle after finding it on Hulu. Why didn't I find it there before and why is it going to expire in eight hours? Maybe Hulu gets limited runs of some shows. All this online TV stuff is new to me. So I need to decide which parts of which episodes to jump through so I can get to the series finale before the series is no longer available on Hulu so I will be up as late as it takes watching. At least I do have no commercials. So what are you up to?

Today was softball. At least softball was scheduled for today. 7:30 am to 6:30 pm mostly watching games and rating players under the brutal heat of the radiation from the sun. Somewhere in the mix we fit in two games, though my team was barely there. Coach picked up a new player who was part of a destructive afternoon while he was elsewhere. He came back halfway through the second game and made decisions that made matters much worse. So we lost two games. No one wants the new player on the team. She let us know she didn't want to be on the team either, very negative, distracting, and a liability on the field. Her errors gave up at least a dozen runs in the two games and she made excuses and said she would rather have been playing with her other team. She has been dropped from several teams that I know of and I have no clue what was going on in Coach's head.

Hopefully this mistake will be fixed by next week or this will be a long season.

Meanwhile, just cuz I took a break to listen to music (folish, since I am on a deadline of sorts), I am just so sick of the "she cares" commercial. It keeps popping up on CBS online. Also on Youtube. How do people really believe she cares? People are so delusional, no wonder the world is in the state it is in. If she cared she would do what is right. Feed children, educate people, and save lives with basic health care. Instead, she continues the path to destruction that comes from supporting the war machine with half a trillion dollars each year while pretending there is not enough money to feed children, educate people, or save people's lives with basic health care. Must keep the billionaires running the defense industry, the health care industry, the insurance industry, the drug industry, and other billionaires happy so the bribes keep coming.

Whatever, out damn politics.

So what took me on a musical interlude you might ask. Well, did I mentioned a far away friend I never met who has shared an on again off again blog entitled a post Begging for Thread (and I am not even sure the song Google took me too when I searched had anything to do with her post) and I listened to parts of three more Banks songs and noticed Youtube suggested a few songs I had either listened to recently or maybe their just read my mind and the saddest thing (oh Linda how you reached me once) which brought back so many of the deepest memories of tapes lost in Toronto about love lost in New York and a couple of Kate Bush songs including a sensual world la la la but I just copied links and I decided to listen to Lenka and hope.

Maybe the castles I refer to are the goals to drop weight and lower certain blood values by changing dietary habits since I have been pigging out all evening since I got home. A can of chicken, three teaspoons of light mayo, sunflower seeds, two veggie burgers, two yogurts, a couple of ounces of apple cider vinegar, a few pieces of dried papaya, water. The craving for salt and more continued and now, the bloat. I cut my blood pressure medication dose in half because of the side effects (muscle cramping and more) and to see what the numbers are after a week or two at half dose and I am considering asking to try the next prescription without the diuretic to see if that effects the blood work and cramping and... I am distracted by the TV. Cinnamon and garlic and fish oil and more B Complex too.

Now back to Castle.

It really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right.

Narf :)

Goodbye Alice

When TV characters leave shows it is like losing an imaginary family member even if the characters move on cleanly and happily. Living in my mind brings a large imaginary family from within and from fiction. TV provides several departures and sudden deaths to my imaginary family. At the moment four key characters come to mind. Brody may be gone from NCIS:NO. Dinozzo finally moved on from NCIS. Then there is Derek suddenly killed off on Criminal Minds and the one that cut me (and Jackson) deepest, Ziva. I mean, she wasn't even on the show for years, but the character... there was always hope she'd come back. Imaginary family sometimes does come back, even after they've been killed in the story.

Unfortunately, that does not happen with non-imaginary people. In the physical world, usually called the real world, when someone dies they die. No more coming back. No more contact. All we are left with are memories and what might have been. Thoughts turn to what we might have done if we knew the last time we saw someone would be the last time we saw someone. Thoughts turn to wishing we showed we cared more and made more time to spend with the person who died. Feelings turn to sadness for all the sharing that could have been and will not be.

Alice died.

sometimes I feel that people don't get close the way they used to
I look around
everybody running in different directions
simple social gatherings have become inspections
making snap judgments seem to be all people do
mot even sure if they want to
do you want to?

sometimes we get lucky and find some one who connects to real
the way we feel
everybody else is looking for something they'll never find
some sort of god or drug that will bring peace to their mind
quick fix to problems of their own creation
settling for superficial sensation
emancipation

suddenly the searching ends
when you know you found a friend
everything can relax and unwind
it becomes so easy to be kind
life becomes so much more fun
no longer a game and yet we've won
everything becomes more meaningful
everything becomes more beautiful
everything becomes more wonderful
and we finally know why we are alive
as long as we survive

Alice was a good from for a decade or so. She and Jane were close, living on the same street for longer than I knew either of them. Alice was where I went for Thanksgiving dinner every year for most of the last decade. We met in the board and cards game group and became more personal friends (whereas most in the larger group enjoy just being gaming friends). Even during my isolation phases we've keep in touch by text and phone. Only Jane was closer to me in the game group crowd. Alice may have understood me better as we both spent our childhoods in the same culture in the same areas of New York City. Only a few people were closer to me in the physical real world. Sigh. Some may say she found a different kind of emancipation.

The human race is missing a precious heart and this planet is different today. Alice doesn't live here anymore.

Writing Elsewhere

When did I write this... and was it to someone specific, to myself, for the blog, or something else? I write for all those reasons and more and while I hope someone cares enough to want to read and respond to me because I want someone to want to know and care about me, I benefit from almost all of my writing even when nobody knows and even when I forget all connections to why or how or when it was written or who or what is was written to or about. Yes, that is one of these, for whatever it's worth to you.

And time goes by so... suddenly sometimes. Since last November I have lived a life of distraction. Not working. Enjoying the freedom while ignoring the underlying stress of the savings dwindling toward none. Fool I am to dare to wander this path so aimlessly yet again. Loving every minute of it, even if I end up in the poor house once again. I am a fool, but a fool chasing a dream that might be the tail I no longer have. Hope you are well. :)

Ok, so what in the world is going on in that? Even more to the point, perhaps (just perhaps?... maybe) the questions is what is going on in my head? I don't write much. Am I depressed? Giving up? Not wanting to think? (writing usually leads me to think). Cinnamon. The thinking usually forms words in the brain and they come out through the fingers by tapping keys, ya know? At the moment I am quite distracted and somewhat grumpy mostly because I have been eating a very different (and supposedly healthier, at least according to modern medical science) diet and missing my comfort foods is not fun for me or anyone around me. The internet TV is also on in the background a lot so that helps the distracted thinking. I should set some goals. Apple Cider Vinegar. I am lonely and not fulfilling that with this blog and have a lot of sharing going on almost every day offline and I have turned to J again (thank you J) for actual correspondence (and excerpts from that conversation, at least my side without violating any personal confidences, will likely end up somewhere online because I think there is a lot of valuable insight into me for anyone wishing to know me and I am, after all, hoping someone finds me and wants to know me). So I am writing elsewhere.

So many distractions. I want a portable. I am hungry. More TV. Dancing in the Dark has been playing in my head recently (definitely not the Rihanna version). Looking for a spark. A touch of Melissa too. Just the way it is. Some things will never change. Maybe. Or maybe I'm wrong.

I would really like to share some physical contact before I die. Sex would be nice. I know, sometimes I laugh at the way I can present pathos. Pathetic, aye? Yeah, but you ought to know before lining up at my bed (or wherever) that there is a 99% changes (probably higher) that you won't get past my door (yeah, I've been fixing a hole for a long long time... sigh. Besides that, I have an obnoxiously picky libido and libido {aka Libbo} rules the bed... even Linda, who has a face that has melted me so many times, would not appeal at her current weight), but keep on knocking even if you can't get in. Certainly the lyrical references are abundant. Raw Potato Starch too. Watching Big Bang Theory now and previously CSI: Cyber and Criminal Minds and Second Chance and oh, the places I don't go. Laughing all the way as rainbows shine through the tears. La la la.

So maybe I am just having too much fun to write about it. I sent out more than a hundred resumes. I went for a job interview. I played softball. We won the last two 25-0 and 17-14. I skipped one in order to be an angel at a charity auction. I played cards a couple of times, once at the local bridge club. I skipped one card night to have dinner with Jackson. I watched TV (I mentioned that). haven't been on Facebook all week and really enjoy time away from the drama and world news. Make the world go away, if you know that one.

Yeah, so maybe we are all caught up on life. Lonely and grumbling over lack of comfort food going on a few weeks now. Not stepping on any scales and still feeling bloated more often than I think I should, but hey, whatever I am dying from (or is that of?) is happening so whatever. Early morning long day of softball tomorrow and since I have been eating very few calories (just two yogurts and some sunflower seeds today), I need extra sleep to survive 8-9 hours in the sun playing ball tomorrow. Gonna be fun.

Hope you are having fun too. :)

Not Much Fun It Is to Move

Well I knew the time was approaching and sensed it when we were together and Curly finally dropped the other shoe so it may be time for me to move out of here as soon as next month. That's just a few weeks. I have no idea where I might put all the stuff. Storage is so expensive. Moving it is a full day heavy physical labor or at least a few hundred dollars, neither of which I have to give these days with the savings dwindling and the body deteriorating. We will talk soon about his plans and my more precise time line to be out of here, but he he said wants to start major renovations here in October because he wants the place to produce income.

Originally he said 2-3 years, but I guess his need for more income has changed. Originally I said my stay here would be temporary, but we did discuss my renting once it was fixed up. Without an income, however, my car is the only place I can afford to live right now if not rent-free in a friend's place. If I tried to describe the stress under the numb, the words would likely scare us.

By the standards of success in this world, I have achieved failure status once again.

Yes, again (if you recall the blogs {which were called journals back then} from the late 1990s). Just give me a tent in the back of the woods where nobody can try to change me, where seldom is heard any judgmental word and I can live just as I want to be.

So the news comes during one of my more vulnerable weeks as I decided to break away from the pig-out influences of my card playing partners and take dropping weight seriously. That weakens the body energy and puts the body at risk for injury or worse. The kidney stones have not been too bad yet, but the kidneys have been reacting by going wonky on regulating body temperature which sucks because I do not have air conditioning and this is still the hottest time of the year. I have also allowed this body to deteriorate so stamina is at it's lowest ebb of the whole lifetime, which is as stupid as stupid gets. No daily work activities and even worse, the past week of staying in bed a lot more than usual for healing purposes.

Yesterday (when I was young), I decided to head out to Saturday morning softball with the seniors which is usually easy for me as there is not much running. I decided to pitch batting practice and threw at least 250 pitches and felt way more tired than I ought to feel. I attributed it to the minimal eating I've done this week, just a few hundred calories a day, but the overall weakness from lack of regular exercise definitely shows. I ate a pack of peanuts I keep in my cooler (a cooler I almost forgot to pack, which could have proved deadly) and that helped and during the four hours I was out there, I drank two Gatorades and four waters, all in all about a gallon of fluids.

It wasn't enough because I pushed myself running bases. I crossed the heat exhaustion line and started having the early signs of heat stroke (or serious hear exhaustion symptoms). Blurred vision, poor focus, eyes not responding to light well, shortness of breath lasting a half hour, dizziness, muscle cramping, and overall body exhaustion. I sat for a bit, then made it to the car and turned on the air conditioner and put a bottle of ice behind my neck and tried to get comfortable. Not easy in that car. Living in it will not be as comfortable as the station wagon I had last time I lived in a car.

Nausea came and then a few bouts of dry heaves. Sucked to be me. I thought about dialing 911. Eight or so people were sitting about ten feet from the car drinking beers and talking but I did not know any of them well enough to as them to come sit with me. I don't fit in with people. I also did not want them treating me like I was a liability next time I came out and played. I texted Jackson hoping she would have time to talk but she was busy. She did call back after a few texts but I could tell she wanted to get back to what she was doing so I went back to being by myself focusing on staying conscious and stabilizing my head and stomach.

I started driving home with her on the phone, hoping she'd stay with me in case I felt faint or got worse, but she insisted I should focus only on driving. She didn't understand that her voice helped me focus, or else she just needed to get back to what she was doing. I was able to drive to Harpo's place, but alas, Harpo panics a lot more than Jackson (both have a lot of anxiety) and he did not help as much as ge slowed the recovery process. Some people just can't sit and be still. It still helped to know I had someone I could go to.

I drove home, half showered, applied the fungal salve, and laid down. I texted several people and one person texted me who I didn't text. Most responded and that helped distract me a bit. I turned on internet YV and slowly recovered and fell asleep. How much the news from Curly had in distracting me from monitoring the body temperature or pushing myself to near fatal limits, who knows. I know I am in high stress mode not sure where I will live next month and even more not sure where I will be putting all the stuff. I guess it's time to trash a lot of it. I did promise drama, right?

Sleep, perchance to wake up again...

Windows 10 is Not Even Chrome Plated.

Yeah, this is likely going to be a meaningless complaint and possibly a consumer communer (forgot about that one, didn't we?), but I will just leave this hear in case the world blows up tomorrow (hey. you never know how these things might escalate, I mean, much of the world is dependent on Microsoft operating systems and if MS and Google go to war, who knows what the fallout may be, right?). So I wrote this:

The winds of chance, the energy, or perhaps some force beyond my current awareness has presented challenges in the past few hours. Google Chrome stopped working for me. I wandered the web for solutions all night and as the sun rose, I started using Opera as a browser. Then, suddenly, as if to taunt me, Chrome pops up after an installation of the latest Adobe Flash. I leave out many details of the night's escapades. Fantasy football drafting, watching TV online, various other activities, and the usual writing (which has not been so usual or frequent of late, but that's another story).

So I did a lot of reading and apparently Microsoft is finding sneaky ways to disable Google Chrome and create a very poor user experience in Windows 10 for anyone using Google Chrome. Stupid, because it just makes me hate Microsoft and now I won't even try their new "Edge" browser. I had to log in to everything I ordinarily do with Chrome, finding passwords, taking time, and further sinking Microsoft. The next computer I buy will likely be an Apple or I might just move to Linux. Microsoft's greed really hurts them more than any faulty versions of Windows they put out way before they should.

Life goes on.

Narf. :)

Fungus Among Us

You never know what to expect from the blogging mind of the babbler who is considered quite mad in some common circles of thought and intelligence (if you understand, don't make those who don't feel bad about their circle, m'ok?) as the flow of words spins in a spiral in and out of control, but you must love it if you return (and if you don't return well, you aren't reading this are you?... so who are you to judge or even pretend to know what goes on when you are not even here?... of course if you return and see that I am writing to you even you are not even here, you might appreciate the attention or consider me quite mad {it all depends on the circles you wander... you may have read about that somewhere... no worries, you are still welcome} and either way, feel free to let me know you exist because if you do not let me know you exist you might not exist beyond my imagination and if that doesn't disturb you well, does anyone take you seriously at all?) so thank you for returning and enjoying the random assortment of this and that and other things that pour into words here in this babbling version of the daily blog.

In spite of the background TV distractions, I might just be getting the babbling wheels in motion (and we're just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, right?) at least during the commercial breaks (and why are we using background TV as a distraction again?... could it be because I want to record my thoughts about the TV shows I watch for posterity for a change finally after mostly babbling through the TV blog for years {or however long it's been} without actually writing what might technically be considered reviews or critiques of the shows themselves... or could it be that life in what we kindly call the real world is so unpleasant and messed up and depressing and yucky {to be technical} that I want the distraction of imaginary people living imaginary stories to keep me from thinking and feeling and dealing with the yuck... I am still sending out resumes kinda sorta regularly... sheesh, can I just get off this world already?), so there is still some will to live in me because babbling is a sign of a will to live (even if, sometimes, it is a will to live in a place where I have no responsibilities. I wonder if anyone else kinda sorta considers welcoming institutionalization.

Ok, so these are the moments I feel tired of taking care of myself and everyone else as I've always done since I was a very young child (there is a story of my life somewhere in the written gardens, but if you haven't discovered it {and I know much of it never did get online, but maybe you corresponded with me offline way back before the internet} yet, the details for this childhood reference independence milestones like cooking most meals for myself before I started grade school and understood I did not actually have to do (or believe) as I was told shortly after that, in fact, I realized I was an independent being {we all are, in case you don't know that... dependency is an illusion we create to feel less alone, but we are alone living in separate bodies living a solitary timeline no matter how well connected we appear to get... we are born in our own bodies and we die in our our bodies and we live in our own bodies with our own unique perspectives, knowledge, and experience whether we like it or acknowledge that fact or not} shortly after learning how to use the toilet, which was some time during my second year on the planet.

There are a lot of these moments coming together lately, building this past year and even before this past year. Jackson kept me from moving in the direction of leaving humanity and life among people behind and the part of me that does mot want to give up on life and people is hanging on to her (whether she knows it or not) because in some way she keeps hope alive (as long as I ignore how little time she wants to spend with me... like none... ahhhh, don't remind me... oh look, Zoo is back on the TV... it has so many one-liner cliches and references to pop culture written in as supposedly cute or clever asides by the characters, especially the female characters... as usual, a fair share of chauvinism abounds).

So life, the dirt, drama, and details. That is what we are here for, to cut through the brevity of the briefer daily blog (which has gone quite silent in recent weeks, alas... who notices?) and dig down to the nitty gritty of the life (even if some details are dirty, dramatic, or downright gruesome). Within the babble, there is clarity. The title is a clue, remember?

That's right, I finally got to the doctor and the least concerning possibility is the diagnosis, a fungal infection. So I need to get a prescription filled and figure out how to maximize the topical medication between bowel movements. Yes, this is what you come here for, my analysis of how and when I am going to put cream on my ass. Now if I can only learn how to hover, I won't have to sit on it and be uncomfortable.

Now that I either have your attention or you are gone (as if the first three paragraphs were not enough, aye? lol lam oh really?... you are not laughing?... what are you doing here then?... you may not actually be getting me, alas, but thanks for reading and do leave a tip in the jar before you go... everybody goes, you know... but you are forgiven and loved even after you do... of course you'll know that better if you stick around, so there's your decision... should you stay or should you go... feel free to hum the chorus), would you like to swing on a star? life sucks, then you die. What was that about cliches?

So I am staying home (as much as this place depresses me) to stay naked and keep my ass in the air, so to speak. The essential aspect of treatment is cleaning, drying, regular application of medication, and keeping the skin dry. That does not happen when the butt cheeks are constricted by underwear and pants and body weight is pressing down. The skin must breath. Luckily, I don't work or have too many obligations so I can lay but-up (or on my side) for a few days or as long as it takes. Hopefully this treatment will actually work where all the other treatment I tried for the past few months have failed.

Now, are we having fun or what? :)

So Much Fun It is...

Today (actually yesterday by now) was another day home alone in a rather vegetative state as I did not actually go to sleep until the mid-afternoon and didn't wake until almost midnight. I think. I wish I could let myself go without clocks or any sense of time for a few months as I did in the past. It was so rejuvenating for the mind and life. Running returned in those days and I was in the best shape of this life. I danced vigorously for many hours on end. I wrote prolifically to hundreds of people as well as to myself and muses. As morning comes after a weekend of almost separating myself from time, I stumbled back to Facebook to leave this message:

Over the ten years I've been on Facebook I have been off the site a lot more than I've been on the site. Often that is due to lack of time, mostly it is simply because I prefer more personal communication. I am not a FB hater and have experienced great benefits from online social networks. I love written words and correspondence. I simply and firmly believe that life happens offline. I am doing my best to enjoy life and hope every one of you do too. Hug those close to you and experience the eye contact and conversations. I appreciate every one of you who reach out to me on Facebook and hope you understand that if a few weeks pass before I respond, that does not diminish my appreciation or the smile in my response. You matter to me and you know how to reach me. Thank you for adding love and wisdom and amusement to my life

It was nice to see there were a few people awake in the middle of the night who missed me. A private message came in asking if I was ok. A response to a hug I left. A few likes to the post above. It was a good feeling. They have my number. I welcomed real human offline contact. There were still way too many posts that were superficial, narcissistic, and as distracting as the fiction I watch on TV. So I return to TV and will respond to texts and calls and the real life offline.

I really enjoyed Elementary on many levels as I wrote previously. I hope to see the fifth season soon and hope not to bump into spoilers that will diminish it for me (as I bumped into spoilers about NCIS and Castle and other favorites). I hope to find another show on Hulu I can enjoy as much.

For the moment, 12 Monkeys is pushing the limits of the laptop Jackson gave me (I am not forgetting that keeping the CPU and laptop on constantly just so I can have some background TV noise and some visual distraction risks the laptop... I keep two fans on blowing directly on the back of the machine from a few feet away and place frozen bottles of water in front of the fans at least once a day in an attempt to balance the cooling with the drying... no air conditioner in August in Florida is not good for electronic equipment running for many hours at a stretch) and some solitaire kept me from growing board with an average re-working of a very old plot line.

I am considering heading to the free clinic this morning but I am not sure it is open because today is a national holiday. Look it up. Ok, it is closed today. Figures, I am awake and I can be there early and it is not open. I must somehow repeat this tomorrow, be awake and ready to go early. Awake. Life.

I ate cream cheese, garlic bagel bites, sunflower seeds, yogurt, and some dried papaya. Yum.

We must be having fun or why else continue?

Narf :)

Vegetainment

Entertainment or Vegetation? I miss movies (and not just sci-fi movies, but there's a start). I especially hope to see Passengers being released 12/21/16 and The Circle that does not have a release date at the moment. Also would like to see Story of Your Life, Passage to Mars, The Space Between Us, Cell, What Happened to Monday? and others. Anybody interested? I mean, really interested? I son't want to spend money on movies just to see them by myself.

Hulu brought me back to TV, though so far just one show. The selection appears limited but I will explore more after I watch the first show I chose from the list I found. So I watched four seasons of Elementary and am now left at the rather borad and un-steep cliffhanger of the forth season and tempted to read about the fifth season because I have no other way to watch it at the moment.

Much to my reluctant resistance and against my grain of nature or something like that, I moved on to The Librarian because it was "up next" on Hulu. I did not feel like searching more and suspect searching will be a great disappointment. So I start with the hope that this new show that I skipped over when it was on TV might bring some pleasure.

Ok, 13 minutes into the first movie and I am doing my best to ignore the music and get into the weak mockery of the Harry Potter series. Also trying to take Jane Curtain and Bob Newhart seriously. This is going to take some effort. And the eye candy needs to happen soon.

Way too many god references. Way too bad visual effects. Way too much bad acting compounded by terrible casting. "Take a chance big boy" Yes, and way too much bad writing.

Almost an hour into this and I can barely believe I am still watching.

I sat through it all with the help of the solitaire game on the other screen. I will not be watching the sequels or the TV show. I choose the shows I watch mostly on instinct after seeing the brief previews or reading a synopsis. I really should trust my instincts and not waste a couple of hours like I did lol.

Off to another show, 12 Monkeys and more games.

Watching TV, Sort Of

Watching TV on Hulu Plus is not the same as watching TV on TV, especially when there are no commercials. It requires a bit more concentration (a lot more concentration, actually). This week I watched three seasons so far. Twenty four episodes a season at about forty-eight minutes each (no commercials is a wonderful thing, mostly) has taken a lot of time this week. Fifty-seven point six hours. Almost as many hours as I used to put in at work on a light week when I had a job (any wonder why I don't want to return to the 24/7 work lifestyle?... but that is another story and as much as it {more specfically the absence of income} dominates life these days, I do not feel like lamenting over the stress of poverty or potential tragic outcomes at this time).

And then there is wow (almost). As an impulse, when I opened the module for the fantasy football draft, I wanted to see it on a bigger screen so I unpacked one of my larger monitors and connected it. There is a connectivity issue that must be resolved. The monitor came with an old standard VGA cord with side screws but the laptop does not have a screw in holes so sitting with the laptop on my lap and typing is not ideal as any movement can distort or disconnect the larger monitor which then confuses the automatic settings for the two monitors.

At the moment, the settings are perfect and the video runs full screen on the large monitor and the laptop monitor is free for Notepad and another browser and anything else I want to connect. I either need another cable or I need to connect the desktop keyboard. The latter would resolve the heat of the laptop on my lap so I will attempt that next, though getting used to the desktop keyboard will take some a moment or few.

So I can watch old TV shows (compromise) on a 24 inch monitor (compromise) and while using the laptop. Next step is connecting the 55 inch Plasma TV and logging into Hulu (compromise) there. I can check out Netflix and the others there or here as time goes by. The hold up for the TV is not having a place for it. Where it sits not is sort of ideal for the space, but the bed is in the way because the bed is elevated by the boxes the bed sits on. The fridge is in the spot the TV would be on if the fridge could be moved to the other room. One step at a time.

My slow moving on hooking up the TV is mostly due to my not wanting to have such ease of access to the distraction the TV provides because if I get too comfortable with distraction here I won't keep looking for a job or go out as much as I should and that is not healthy. The job search goes poorly, but as I noted above, that is another story and I do not feel like lamenting or stressing any more thn I always do under the surface.

So it is almost 4am and I woke after four hours of deep sleep and did not feel like sleeping more. So I came to the newly set up media area and turned on season four of Elementary and adjusted the monitor cables so there is as few glitches as possible. It is hot and the laptop makes it hotter so I must make the keyboard change now.

So I did that and it works, except that the keyboard is older and even though I hardly used it, some of the keys no longer have letters on them. Logitech loses points big time. I will look into some form of marker or stickers to return the letters to the keys that are blank or nearly blank. The whole computer industry loses points for creating so many different keyboard layouts that it slows productivity when a user moves from keyboard to keyboard (not to mention all the different ways to connect).

Meanwhile, the monitor cable connection continues to be flawed even with the laptop not moving at the moment. I will keep trying to find a stable situation for the cable ports, but the point of a laptop is mobility so I will need an alternative connector. Both the laptop and monitor have HDMI ports so I need to find an HDMI cable that works for both. I don't think it has anything to do with the cables, but the audio is terrible for late night watching because it gets louder and softer to extremes that the volume must be adjusted not only for the opening and closing but during the show. I understand the whispered dialogue enhances a sense of intimacy between characters and maybe that would take something away from the show if it was gone, but it is not condusive to optimal relaxing when living in close proximity to someone who is sleeping.

That is where the current audio-visual changes to offer more stimulation and distraction stands at the moment. I hope you enjoyed the slice of this journey through this process

Poor Eating Patterns

Today went by as a blur like most days this week did or will. It is a vegetative week in spite of the activities keeping me busy. We blame TV. I'll summarize another time (I know because I already did). Finding a job is proving more challenging than it has in the past. Every year I become less employable by current standards. Without Curly, I'd be on the street or in a less private, less independent position. I'd hate that. I don't want to fall back into wallowing, so let's tear me up some as I usually respond to that well.

Sometimes lol.

Breaking patterns ia a good thing when the patterns are not healthy. Take my eating patterns, for instance. Especially my social eating patterns. No kitchen, no sink, all I eat at home is canned pasta. I don't even want to use a can opener because there is no place to wash it and I do not want to risk splatter and I don't want to eat outside. It's too hot, it's too dirty, there's no table or chair, etc, etc, etc... I am full of excuses, rational reasons for not eating a more natural healthy diet. One reason is just about everyone I eat with eats a very fat-meat heavy diet.

So when I eat alone I eat from pop-top cans. When I eat with others it is an over-eating frenzy of meats, potatoes, pasta, with the occasional Chinese buffet (which is the most vegetables I get). Three nights a week the card party is 80% meat, 20% potato. If I go out after softball, it is to a sports bar. I have developed a pattern of poor eating for different reasons and different influences every day.

This week I changed the pattern for a few days. Softball was rained out for the past week. Cards were cancelled two nights. I opened just one can this week. I ate nuts (cashews), dried fruit (papaya), and chocolate at home. I ate Chinese buffet once when Curly called to eat there. I was feeling less bloated than I had in a month until tomorrow when I will go to a southern American buffet and overdo it. I know this because it already happened (yes, I am time-travelling... or maybe just playing with our heads). Anyway, I feel like a stuffed animal might feel if a stuffed animal was alive. That is because I am a stuffed animal.

I feel asleep shortly after eating (and defecating). Carb overload. Still bloated.