Being alone. Life in this world is a series of compromises and to achieve a happy place (and space) requires maintaining a balance between everything we want and everything we need and everything we can easily obtain or create. Poverty is one of my compromises. The work and professions I enjoy most do not pay a lot, average salaries, so I can't afford a lot of the things I might want and must choose the things I want most. Mostly, nothing lol. It is my choice to love the work I do, so I accept the relative poverty (still lavish luxury compared to most of the world). The $129 computer has served me well enough for a few years now. Mostly. The car will not be replaced now that it is paid off. I kept the last one 14 years and this one is is five and a half years old. Newer and safer would be nice, but not financially prudent. I buy clothes off the cheapest retail racks, sometimes in the used clothing stores, and only occasionally indulge in high end apparel. Food is my biggest extravagance as I could eat for a lot less, but I indulge my health and taste buds for daily sensual pleasures.
Living space expenses is one of the biggest compromises, as I share living space. Making friends with a roommate takes some time, so comforts are gradual and require lots of compromises. In many ways, I've lucked out in life, in work and in roommates (though I have some stories of brief past living situations that were tough to laugh at at the time lol). TA is as close to a perfect roommate as I could ask for in most benign ways, that is, he's no an athlete or a good influence for my health (he shares my less healthy eating habits, which is great connectivity for us, but a struggle for me to resist as I do my best to keep this body healthy), but he is kind, gentle, patient, flexible, and we share a lot of similar world views in life and beyond, which matters a lot. He seems to enjoy his alone time as much as I do, which is a big plus. We don't do much together, at least not yet, but he's very easy to live with.
Keeping the place cleaner, especially the kitchen, would be an improvement I'd like to see. They tend to use a lot of dishes and cups and glasses and mugs and generally just let them pile in both sinks without rinsing, making cooking fresh food less desirable as I would have to ignore the unhealthy conditions (my bacterial awareness has always been a challenge in this world) or clean every stuck-on thing piled up anytime I wanted to cook. They also do not seem to mind the ants and bugs that leaving crumbs and smears on the counter bring, so I do wipe up with cleansers I buy, and spray monthly with insecticides I buy. Compromises I can live with, though at times, quite challenging as I sometimes struggle to eat healthier and save money.
So I give up privacy, which is a big give, for extra space in a better area of town. His two kids are here a lot, especially on weekends, so I give up late night activities, which is another big compromise. Living alone, I can let my nocturnal rhythm enjoy the night and I miss that a lot. His younger one, eight and a half now, emotionally much younger, dominates the space. We let (which may not always be best for her, but I follow TA's lead and he's all about giving her just about anything he can give, including constant attention, food choices, activity choices, and he gives up his alone time completely when she's here - including his bed as she's afraid to sleep in her room). So the TV (sound) is hers, the kitchen is mostly hers as she likes to mix stuff together to make slime and goop and dough and whatever. She opens the fridge a lot, standing in front of it, so foods/drinks are not cold when she is here, but then four people makes a difference on fridge opening. The biggest compromise is not having my choice in TV, music, or silence (I really miss silence) when she is here, but life is compromise and though immature, messy, and spoiled, she is polite, respectful, and not intrusive into my personal space or stuff - so a really good kid overall).
Nine PM bedtime is not my favorite compromise, one of the toughest to accept happily, but more weekends than not... what can I say. I respect others needs and blaring music or TV (or cooking) when they are sleeping is not something I will do. I can splurge on better headphones for the computer, and wireless ones for the TV, though wearing them for long is uncomfortable, and earbuds are more uncomfortable for my ears. Keeping my energy level quiet would be challenging if I indulged my audio-visual pleasures and singing is still missed tremendously. At least I have my writing, the last refuge and therapy and pleasure I indulge in with less compromise than any other. I really need to get back to exercising here though.
So what about me? (it's all about me, after all, right? lol lam laa) :)
So here I sit. After falling asleep in the recliner earlier in the evening in the quiet time when the kids were going to sleep, I'm awakened by the TV blaring at 6AM. She likes it loud. Eventually, TA woke and lowered it, but the waking happened and the sun will rise soon and you guessed it... compromise. I decide to put the headphones on, turn on some youtube on the computer, and pretend there's not loud TV in the next room. They, in a rare moment of self-indulgence (these days, at least), I come here to indulge my writing therapy (oh where, oh where has the creativity gone... I do not spend much time here, though I do spend more of my writing time in relatively weak and maybe whimpy self-analysis and therapy (maybe whining and complaining, from your perspective, but it's processing and balancing and happy resolution for me) these days, though as anyone who knows me can plainly see {but who does, really}, very much on the surface...
tic tic tic tic tic tic tic oh? (sidebars have so many clues and links, of links, how can we refuse?)...
there's no tic toc on the electric clock, but still...
the stranger with the melodies sings softly to himself in the middle of the night, writing in his sleep, alone again... naturally?... for the
record, it's mostly all
here and still growing, even if too slowly to notice... ww, this is a long parenthetic aside, aye?) in the dirt, drama, and details. It satisfies the need to share, if just barely, sometimes almost completely, as it has done tonight.
So much delight can be found digging through the mind in the middle of the night...
. . .
