There was more, there is more, there s wanting more. The ignorance is amazing. The irrational pretense that the ignorance can be ignored and replaced by ridiculous irrational premises is even more amazing. We live in illusions and collective illusions become reality and and truth, but that does not mean it is fact in the bigger picture. Sadly, few pay any attention to the bigger picture. We are part of the universe, but we pretend we are not. We pretend we have some control over our lives and this planet. We ignore the fact that a speck of rock floating through the universe can end life on this planet in a moment. We ignore the fact that we have no control over the sun or moon or anything.
I want someone who wants more than the simple illusions that small minds call truth.
Will you join me?
Narf :)
Monday, July 31, 2017
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Maybe Tomorrow
Ok, if you came here for the list of ingredients we'll just get that out here right off the top and then move along with whatever babbling this entry will be. Ready, set, here you go: Scallops, Alfredo Sauce, Cheese Sauce, Mac N Cheese, Cannellini Beans, Cream of Shrimp Soup, Cream of Mushroom Soup with Garlic, Light Butter, Light Mayo, Granular garlic, salt. All that comes out of cans or bottles except for the package of frozen scallops. The scallops were not cooked, so therein lies the living on the edge part. Cooking them in the microwave enough to get them to 165 degrees but not overcooking them so they are rubbery is the casual trick I am attempting without calculating, monitoring, or thinking about it other than mentioning it here. Hopefully it will be yummy,tender, and not make me sick afterward.
At the moment the kitchen looks like this:
That is clean and uncluttered as it gets and close up everything is covered with grease, crumbs, and dirt. So cooking outside of a closed container (Pyrex dishware with covers) is out of the questions here. And I pause not because it's time to eat the donuts.
There was more to this entry but I forgot to come back and write it.
Maybe tomorrow...
Narf :)
At the moment the kitchen looks like this:
That is clean and uncluttered as it gets and close up everything is covered with grease, crumbs, and dirt. So cooking outside of a closed container (Pyrex dishware with covers) is out of the questions here. And I pause not because it's time to eat the donuts.
There was more to this entry but I forgot to come back and write it.
Maybe tomorrow...
Narf :)
Friday, July 28, 2017
Still Having Fun (still without the one)
Ok, so we lost 12-11 in extra innings. I pitched well and hit well (2 for 3 with 4 RBIs and beat out a double play so my fielder's choice out was not too terrible since a run scored), but we played a good hitting team and we did not hit all that well and a few too many errors behind me (especially a few wild throws from the shortstop that gave away three runs and a lazy play by the shortstop, left fielder, and third baseman that gave away another) cost us the game.
We tied it up 7-7 with a two run home run in the bottom of the seventh and then extra innings was one pitch and I thew all strikes but they scored 5 on several more errors errors in the top of the eighth to make it 12-7 and I lead off the bottom of the eighth with a single to right center scoring the runner (extra innings a running starts on second) and we scored a few more and had one out with the tying run on second and two batters popped out and that was the ball game. Tough loss, but good time.
Yeah, there's a song in the title.
After softball a few friends went to the local sports bar that sponsors our team (nobody from the team went, again) and we had dinner (black bean burger quesadilla with extra cheese and extra caramelized onions and they threw in extra peppers and the bar owner brought it out just to tell me it's the best quesadilla he's ever seen and that's not the first time he did that lol... he obviously likes my taste in combinations). The waitress brought me a pitcher of water with a straw when I told them I was dehydrated. Just a couple of reasons why we (the few friends from another team and I) love the place.
I wrote a letter to J earlier that sent me out the door smiling (and it's Friday and I am back to being accustomed to a five day work week and feel the excitement of Fridays again) and the work day was excellent from my perspective (I will never make the assumption my boss or anyone else is as pleased as I am, but I did hear several excellents from my boss in the last few days.
The best thing about this moment is that I've got two days of fun ahead and I already feel like I had a great recreational day this evening. Imagine if I was in love and sharing life with he one - I mean, it would be exponentially better and yet it is a wonderful life right now and I don't have any partners for any of my activities or interests other than people to eat with, but not a real foodie partner as diverse and adventurous as I am. I am thankful for Helen who is my buffet partner. :)
I feel like everything is coming up roses even though so many things are missing.
Wonderful attitude and feeling and evening.
Hope you are enjoying yours.
Do tell, please?
Narf :)
We tied it up 7-7 with a two run home run in the bottom of the seventh and then extra innings was one pitch and I thew all strikes but they scored 5 on several more errors errors in the top of the eighth to make it 12-7 and I lead off the bottom of the eighth with a single to right center scoring the runner (extra innings a running starts on second) and we scored a few more and had one out with the tying run on second and two batters popped out and that was the ball game. Tough loss, but good time.
Yeah, there's a song in the title.
After softball a few friends went to the local sports bar that sponsors our team (nobody from the team went, again) and we had dinner (black bean burger quesadilla with extra cheese and extra caramelized onions and they threw in extra peppers and the bar owner brought it out just to tell me it's the best quesadilla he's ever seen and that's not the first time he did that lol... he obviously likes my taste in combinations). The waitress brought me a pitcher of water with a straw when I told them I was dehydrated. Just a couple of reasons why we (the few friends from another team and I) love the place.
I wrote a letter to J earlier that sent me out the door smiling (and it's Friday and I am back to being accustomed to a five day work week and feel the excitement of Fridays again) and the work day was excellent from my perspective (I will never make the assumption my boss or anyone else is as pleased as I am, but I did hear several excellents from my boss in the last few days.
The best thing about this moment is that I've got two days of fun ahead and I already feel like I had a great recreational day this evening. Imagine if I was in love and sharing life with he one - I mean, it would be exponentially better and yet it is a wonderful life right now and I don't have any partners for any of my activities or interests other than people to eat with, but not a real foodie partner as diverse and adventurous as I am. I am thankful for Helen who is my buffet partner. :)
I feel like everything is coming up roses even though so many things are missing.
Wonderful attitude and feeling and evening.
Hope you are enjoying yours.
Do tell, please?
Narf :)
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Not Quite Running, Not Quite Empty
Some days (and stretches of this life) are like that. I think I got about 8 or 9 hours sleep last night, so feeling a bit more refreshed tonight. The mood is funky cool with a heavy dose of irreverent razzamatazz and the scent of odd fruit, or something like that. You ever get to a point where everything is amusing because you are a lot less stressed than Marvin the Robot or the human (Arthur Dent?... yeah, I would be more certain of a depressed robot's name than a normal human being, aye?) so everything just seems relative and amusing. I don't even have my thumb up at the moment (hopefully no one is passing by looking for another passenger). I must be somehow enjoying this great adventure called life.
Stranger days have happened.
Today really wasn't that strange, but it was different because I just got off the phone with a person who might have a blog name but I don't recall it at the moment (she does have a garden in the garden of ones section of the written gardens, in case you are curious, interested, or actually following along on this long and winding strange trip it's been. Speaking to a first girlfriend after umbadabumbida years (more than three decades, at least) is can qualify as a strange experience, definitely not something that happens every day.
As I said in the briefer version of these daily blogs, even with the multitude of distractions coming from all angles and inside and out (The discomforts of the environs {living space}, Eb {the roommate}, the body ailments acting up again {oh poo, no, let's not and say we did}, the unpleasantness of poverty {and folly of spending as if I bring in three times what I actually bring in}, the long road ahead {hopefully winding, but definitely mostly uphill}, the dance with the devil in the pale moonlight {what?... you never?}, the depressive self-destructive suicidal culture that looms over us like an unwelcome and uncomfortable storm {and the never ending energy and unstoppable sensitivity [anyone who's been paying attention knows I've tried] that awareness of brings all the pain to my consciousness like water rolling over Niagara Falls [slowly I turn] just miles from tons [no exaggeration at all] of remnants of the life I once knew}, and moldy cheese (representing everything else... fill in your own distractions and discomforts as you wish), it was a wonderfully pleasant conversation.
Happy it happened. Hopefully it'll happen again in less than umbadabumbida years. :)
Meanwhile (why don't we say kindwhile?), it was another diverse active fun day at work. The Learning Management System Project (I sometimes call the Training Project just to save time and space) filled the morning hours. Then I left the office to check on a whole in the ground. One the way I had the Chinese buffet for lunch and stopped at fleet (the people who take care of our vehicles) because my work car's engine light has been on a few days. It was lunch time so I headed to the hole in the ground. I measured all measurements the whole had and then photographed that hole in the ground from as many angles as I could and then walked around the property around the hole to get the whole view of the hole and it's surroundings and photographed the hole from a distance so the bigger picture could include the hole's surroundings and then photographed some stormwater fixtures and the lake edge and assorted other things so if there are any questions about the hole in the ground the conditions and probabilities of what caused the hole to form are well documents.
Looks like a gopher hole to me, said the homeowner, who had nothing to do with why I was out there measuring and photographing the whole of the hole and all of it's surroundings and fixtures and doo dads. Possible a turtle hole, I replied cordially as a representative of the County. Just hoping it's not a sinkhole, said the homeowner hoping I would assure him it wasn't. Probably not, I said, let us know if it gets any bigger. Ok, thanks, he said.
After that I drove my work car, The Safety Car to Fleet and they gave me one of the pool cars, a loaner, a car old and on it's last legs. So the Safety car is in the shop again and the loaner is worse than last time. The County really tries to milk their vehicles to save money. So my vehicle ID is 05232 (new vehicles have Ids that are over 15000). The pool loaner car is 00198. It's a 1999 Ford Taurus and it should be in the shop and will be as soon as they figure out how to turn off my engine light.
Kindwhile, the evacuation chamber is acting up again (where's the Prep H and all that stuff) as the weight is up and that means sugar is up and that means the fungus among us has food again and itching and irritation and sure it is more than you want to know (unless you are a proctologist or have certain specific fetishes), but this is where the dirt, drama, and details are dumped and it you only knew how many details are left out simply due to lack of time, you'd be happy that this is all you get. I do need to find a doctor though, the medications are running out and I have other things about this body I'd like checked out (like the skin, living in Florida all these years and playing softball in the blazing sun suggests a skin check-up regularly... among other things).
The distractions are invading again. Eb asked if I wanted to order Italian for the first time since I've been living here. The food arrived, he cleared a place at the dining room table for himself. I took my food into my room. I figured if he wanted me out there he'd clear some of his stuff off the cluttered table (I've shared photos before, nothing's changed except for more clutter) and invite me. He's switching channels between Star Trek and Bones. I've seen both episodes a few times. Antenna TV does not offer much, but it's free. I don't miss TV much, sometimes not at all. I miss the experience of sharing watching a TV show with someone. I miss sharing.
Anyway, so as I said somewhere, I feel a bit more refreshed today, though I could have slept longer than I did last night. I appreciate you coming here to find out more about me and this life I loosely call mine. In case it matters. Feel free to tell me all the dirt, drama, and details of your day and life. If not here, in email, text, or call.
Life is more fun (and interesting) when we share, ya know?
Narf :)
Stranger days have happened.
Today really wasn't that strange, but it was different because I just got off the phone with a person who might have a blog name but I don't recall it at the moment (she does have a garden in the garden of ones section of the written gardens, in case you are curious, interested, or actually following along on this long and winding strange trip it's been. Speaking to a first girlfriend after umbadabumbida years (more than three decades, at least) is can qualify as a strange experience, definitely not something that happens every day.
As I said in the briefer version of these daily blogs, even with the multitude of distractions coming from all angles and inside and out (The discomforts of the environs {living space}, Eb {the roommate}, the body ailments acting up again {oh poo, no, let's not and say we did}, the unpleasantness of poverty {and folly of spending as if I bring in three times what I actually bring in}, the long road ahead {hopefully winding, but definitely mostly uphill}, the dance with the devil in the pale moonlight {what?... you never?}, the depressive self-destructive suicidal culture that looms over us like an unwelcome and uncomfortable storm {and the never ending energy and unstoppable sensitivity [anyone who's been paying attention knows I've tried] that awareness of brings all the pain to my consciousness like water rolling over Niagara Falls [slowly I turn] just miles from tons [no exaggeration at all] of remnants of the life I once knew}, and moldy cheese (representing everything else... fill in your own distractions and discomforts as you wish), it was a wonderfully pleasant conversation.
Happy it happened. Hopefully it'll happen again in less than umbadabumbida years. :)
Meanwhile (why don't we say kindwhile?), it was another diverse active fun day at work. The Learning Management System Project (I sometimes call the Training Project just to save time and space) filled the morning hours. Then I left the office to check on a whole in the ground. One the way I had the Chinese buffet for lunch and stopped at fleet (the people who take care of our vehicles) because my work car's engine light has been on a few days. It was lunch time so I headed to the hole in the ground. I measured all measurements the whole had and then photographed that hole in the ground from as many angles as I could and then walked around the property around the hole to get the whole view of the hole and it's surroundings and photographed the hole from a distance so the bigger picture could include the hole's surroundings and then photographed some stormwater fixtures and the lake edge and assorted other things so if there are any questions about the hole in the ground the conditions and probabilities of what caused the hole to form are well documents.
Looks like a gopher hole to me, said the homeowner, who had nothing to do with why I was out there measuring and photographing the whole of the hole and all of it's surroundings and fixtures and doo dads. Possible a turtle hole, I replied cordially as a representative of the County. Just hoping it's not a sinkhole, said the homeowner hoping I would assure him it wasn't. Probably not, I said, let us know if it gets any bigger. Ok, thanks, he said.
After that I drove my work car, The Safety Car to Fleet and they gave me one of the pool cars, a loaner, a car old and on it's last legs. So the Safety car is in the shop again and the loaner is worse than last time. The County really tries to milk their vehicles to save money. So my vehicle ID is 05232 (new vehicles have Ids that are over 15000). The pool loaner car is 00198. It's a 1999 Ford Taurus and it should be in the shop and will be as soon as they figure out how to turn off my engine light.
Kindwhile, the evacuation chamber is acting up again (where's the Prep H and all that stuff) as the weight is up and that means sugar is up and that means the fungus among us has food again and itching and irritation and sure it is more than you want to know (unless you are a proctologist or have certain specific fetishes), but this is where the dirt, drama, and details are dumped and it you only knew how many details are left out simply due to lack of time, you'd be happy that this is all you get. I do need to find a doctor though, the medications are running out and I have other things about this body I'd like checked out (like the skin, living in Florida all these years and playing softball in the blazing sun suggests a skin check-up regularly... among other things).
The distractions are invading again. Eb asked if I wanted to order Italian for the first time since I've been living here. The food arrived, he cleared a place at the dining room table for himself. I took my food into my room. I figured if he wanted me out there he'd clear some of his stuff off the cluttered table (I've shared photos before, nothing's changed except for more clutter) and invite me. He's switching channels between Star Trek and Bones. I've seen both episodes a few times. Antenna TV does not offer much, but it's free. I don't miss TV much, sometimes not at all. I miss the experience of sharing watching a TV show with someone. I miss sharing.
Anyway, so as I said somewhere, I feel a bit more refreshed today, though I could have slept longer than I did last night. I appreciate you coming here to find out more about me and this life I loosely call mine. In case it matters. Feel free to tell me all the dirt, drama, and details of your day and life. If not here, in email, text, or call.
Life is more fun (and interesting) when we share, ya know?
Narf :)
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
They Didn't Have Airplane!
So I chose Police Squad. Maybe I was unintentionally celebrating OJ making parole, but I don't think so because I forgot he was in the movie. That was a pretty funny slapstick scene he pulled off to start the film after the credits though. I was in the mood for deadpan humor and Airplane! would have been just what the doctor ordered, right on time, on the money, the right stuff, the cat's meow, a chip off the old block, a spoon full of sugar, a riddle wrapped up in an enigma, (feel free to carry on) but nooooooooooo, Hulu ddn't have Airplane! so I settled for Police Squad. It wasn't easy, but with a little help from our friends, I'll get by.
I must kill Papsmear.
If I wasn't so tired, I'd be babbling one and on about all sorts of this and that and you'd be spinning around trying to follow the randomness of the thoughts flowing through and out and into the words. But nooooooooooooo, I am beyond fatigued so this entry is stunted, like lacking in hormones and deprived of nutrients. I will likely lay down and continue watching until I fall asleep. Hulu will likely continue playing long after that, ut I don't have a remote for the laptop so it is what it is for the moment.
Somewhere outside, some episode of some Star Trek series plays.
I fall asleep laughing.
Wish you were here.
Narf :)
I must kill Papsmear.
If I wasn't so tired, I'd be babbling one and on about all sorts of this and that and you'd be spinning around trying to follow the randomness of the thoughts flowing through and out and into the words. But nooooooooooooo, I am beyond fatigued so this entry is stunted, like lacking in hormones and deprived of nutrients. I will likely lay down and continue watching until I fall asleep. Hulu will likely continue playing long after that, ut I don't have a remote for the laptop so it is what it is for the moment.
Somewhere outside, some episode of some Star Trek series plays.
I fall asleep laughing.
Wish you were here.
Narf :)
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Strange Life, After All
Yes, it is a strange life, after all. So expanding on the brief daily where yesterday, today, and tomorrow all bring smiles, there we are on Sunday afternoon and as I am going about my usual fun weekend, as often is the case, I find a text message an hour or two after it arrived (I am still happily only semi-attached to technology, apologies to those of you expecting immediate responses... ever the rebel, am I... I shall not be tethered! lol lam) and lo and behold it is from the first person I loved like in a relationship kind of way (first long term girlfriend and maybe the most mature, caring, beautiful person I ever know... except for all the other people I've known and loved... ok, casting off the PC filter she was fun but also sensible, serious, mature, and truly in love with me {so rare that feeling seems these days} - but most important, family - and a true friend in a deeper sense than most).
I broke er heart and she still stayed my friend. A heart of gold, no less. Sad I did that. happy she is as she is. I am lucky she cares. :)
So a blast from the past, for sure. Did I know she would be in town visiting Disney with her family? Did she tell me in a Facebook message or text or some other way sometime in the past? Memory does not bring clarity to answers for those questions, but alas, work and softball are both very, no extremely challenging to cancel on short notice especially after my emergency a few weeks ago and the fact that I am still relatively new on the job (especially when it comes to accrued paid time off) and the pitcher for my softball teams, a challenging position to replace on short notice, especially weeknights, and she did not exactly say come on over so perhaps it is more of an awkward hello than I first saw it. For me it's hey great, when is dinner and where do you want to eat and catch up on everything? but then, I have come to the realization that I am not like most people.
So an after midnight text in response to mine tells me they just got home from the theme park and will be sleeping in tomorrow and I must tell her if I ever visit New York. So we may miss each other again like we did last time (and maybe times before). Such a strange life, after all. :)
So much more could be inspired from this, but sleep. I must sleep. More work, more softball tomorrow. Just two hours sleep last night. Five if I am lucky tonight, This body definitely needs more. Now more than ever. Reprimand accepted.
Alas, maybe I need to start - gasp - planning!
Nite nite, love you :)
Narf :)
I broke er heart and she still stayed my friend. A heart of gold, no less. Sad I did that. happy she is as she is. I am lucky she cares. :)
So a blast from the past, for sure. Did I know she would be in town visiting Disney with her family? Did she tell me in a Facebook message or text or some other way sometime in the past? Memory does not bring clarity to answers for those questions, but alas, work and softball are both very, no extremely challenging to cancel on short notice especially after my emergency a few weeks ago and the fact that I am still relatively new on the job (especially when it comes to accrued paid time off) and the pitcher for my softball teams, a challenging position to replace on short notice, especially weeknights, and she did not exactly say come on over so perhaps it is more of an awkward hello than I first saw it. For me it's hey great, when is dinner and where do you want to eat and catch up on everything? but then, I have come to the realization that I am not like most people.
So an after midnight text in response to mine tells me they just got home from the theme park and will be sleeping in tomorrow and I must tell her if I ever visit New York. So we may miss each other again like we did last time (and maybe times before). Such a strange life, after all. :)
So much more could be inspired from this, but sleep. I must sleep. More work, more softball tomorrow. Just two hours sleep last night. Five if I am lucky tonight, This body definitely needs more. Now more than ever. Reprimand accepted.
Alas, maybe I need to start - gasp - planning!
Nite nite, love you :)
Narf :)
Monday, July 24, 2017
Life Inside and Out
People are so illogical to me. I don't think I've ever met anyone who does not want to believe they know right from wrong and know absolutely certain answers about everything. People seem to be drawn to others who do the same. Just look at the leaders and prophets people have followed, killed, and died for.
The more I get to know people, the more I want to be alone.
Yet I crave shared so I stay alive and keep hoping someone will find me and share as I do. That s what these blogs are about. My messages in bottles. I have flown away from time to time for one reason or another. Flown away from life, correspondence, from blogging, from people - sometimes it was slipping into my own self-indulgence and/or self-pity... sometimes it was just getting too busy with life to write. Sometimes I drop corresponding with people to continue the blogging because it is the last hope. Somehow I can convince myself that if someone doesn't care to find my daily words on the web (blog) then they don't care and why should I take time away from my needed writings for myself to write to anyone else?
Then times like these come back and I realize the blog is delusional (what?). The millions of fans waiting with baited breath are delusional (what?... speak up, I can't hear you). Even a few readers is sometimes delusional (oh come on now... do I have to create other accounts and leave comments to convince myself?... My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems).
Ok, so continuing this absurd line of thought (I apologize to the millions of fans and dear readers who are not laughing at this right now), I then I kick off the cloak of hermit-thinking and remember I have known in this life many actual people who actually respond (at the moment, there is J) and just maybe someone real outside of my head will respond again and maybe that's enough.
Ok, correspondence is good.
It's not enough, though. I am insatiable. Its never enough to just share words, even as much as I love sharing words and always want to share words even more than I do now, much much more. As I said (more than a few times) I see the blogs as the possibility of finding more sharing of words and even more, sharing that can become smiles and eye contact and touches and hugs and even sensuality in the physical world. So I continue blogging even when it is obviously futile.
Hello, would you like to make love with me?
Ok, seriously seriously, anyone I've ever loved is welcome and wanted back in my life. At the very least keeping in touch through words or voice. I lose touch with some, I think, because my your pattern (or habit) of communications is not very stable. I can get lost in a work life that consumed 60 or more hours of my weekly waking time and a sports life that can consume 15-20 (or more) hours of my weekly awake time and a social life that can consume almost all the rest of the waking time and then my need to write to myself and throw the bottles of words and hope into the universe via blogs steals time from sleep... that is when the letters pause. I see that now.
Also, there have been times when I did not have internet or a laptop, living in my car. I know, a car without internet access, soon it will be unthinkable. I recall dial-up. Old? I won't tell you what else I recall lol.
I have the luck of being in this very active body. If I was home bound, I would be writing letters as I did when I retired in the nineties and published The Letter Exchange and Paper Fantasies (starting in the eighties) and had long literary conversations with more than a hundred pen pals and deeply moving correspondence with dozens and intimate unconditional loving trusting letter exchanges with a few or a few more. Two became lovers and roommates. I am so happy J inspired me to remember this.
Imagine the blogging I might have done had the internet been around.
The point I think I was making is that the heart is always here for anyone who can find it. :)
So what else is new?
Yesterday softball was fun and then a delicious filet mignon (seldom eaten, but especially good when it is prepared as I like it and it definitely was... like buttah). After softball and dinner, I moved on to cards with old friends (remembering why I don't hang out with them as much as I used to, but still good to see them). I think I mentioned this with more embellishment somewhere before. The brief blog has had some activity. A lot more than this one. Did you miss me?
Continuing keeping you in touch with the details of the daily life, today I woke, showered, and headed to a friend's meetup. She runs a meetup called (I think) the Orlando Thinkers Discussion group. We went to a local high-end college fine arts museum and listened to a tour guide tell us about the artists. A lot of people showed up, but only seven walked to a restaurant for early dinner. I'd have liked more to join us, one was kind of cute, or was it the short flowing dress and g-string (or no underwear?), anyway... some are too shy or poor to socialize after group spectator activities and I understand both positions well.
Yummy food and I ordered a take out meal for tomorrow. Interesting conversation, though none inspired me to pursue further discussion privately, alas. Still, at the risk of not saving enough to move out of here when I finally want a clean place to relax and cook and eat and be in, I think I will attend more of her meetups. Even if the cute ones put on underwear.
I know, I have no couth. Sometimes. Especially when babbling. I mean, I didn't stare or take close up photos. Actually, I took no photos. Darned. This could all be something inserted to titillate or shock, of course. Something inserted, aye? Yeah, well, you'll just have to question further (or actually look into my eyes and spend some time with me) to know for sure.
I just paused.
It was not to masturbate, no. Your minds, really.
I felt like a snack (oh sure, go ahead, associate the oral thing with the hunger with the sexual desire and tell me it was emotional hunger brought on by horniness. Yeah, so what of it? What if that's true? Whatchu gonna do about it, aye?) and my choices here are limited so I reached for the big bottle of nuts (stop that right now) that I bought a couple of weeks ago when I was house sitting for Jackson. That lead me to wonder how long it takes for mold to grow on nuts at 85 degrees. So I searched for that and found no clear answers. I did find a lot of enthusiastic people giving advice as if they suddenly woke up with the news that we've been doing things all wrong since the dawn of time. So I ate nuts.
So what else is new, (didn't I ask that already?... are you paying attention?... where are your hands?), again?
The past few (or maybe two) days I started writing in my daily blog more. I have been writing only sporadically in my blogs this year. A sign of the disarray and discomfort at "home" and limited time and putting sleep ahead of writing. The babbling blog has been neglected even more with just occasional mini-explosions of words, but mostly silence. I even stopped track of the writings some time over the last few months, a definite (and rare) sign of detachment from myself and my writing and my written gardens inside and in the physical world. Not good, but not that bad just yet.
I am still opening and very occasionally adding to the previous daily blog which was the primary for more than seven years and spanned the whole of my living with Jackson (which may be a sign of my trying not to give up on her in spite of all the evidence and good advice that I should). Major changes in life - not just external, but all sorts of factors come into play - have been the reasons for the changes in primary blogs. From early on... just counting them up now... asking myself where it all began online... maybe here (or at least close if you follow the words and links back and forward found there).... at least blogging started rooting itself there.
Wow, I just felt a tinge of inspiration to journey back and walk a random path from long ago. My love of writing (and babbling and rhymes) continued after my small self-publishing ventures on to the internet as I wrote in bulletin boards, in chat rooms, in newsgroups, in forums and all sorts of places that blended into Newsbee's Universe some time later as my own web space developed when I moved from my paper written gardens into my online written gardens which I can trace back to the second page I ever put on my online written gardens (I think) and hopefully the wayback machine will continue to help me find the pages the greedy corporations deleted without warning, but that's another story and sad as it may be, I'll follow the retrograde path into excitement for the moment.
Everything seemed so new in '02. lol :)
For the record, the pages from the 90's were deleted by a couple of supposedly "free for life" websites and the pages from 2001-2009 were deleted by grand old AT&T and they can all go rot in their corporate hells for wiping out my written gardens, but the goodness of the wonderful people at The Internet Archive (aka The Wayback Machine, whch only goes to show they have their heads on straight and yes, I donate - you should too cuz you never know you might need them to cure your broken heart... please do). Please?
Maybe someday I will find someone who enjoys wandering such random paths (by clicking links and following the next link and the next (so many links to choose from, the clicking is impulsive and the path is almost random). I sometimes felt so silly and profound (sometimes simultaneously) back them and it's so much fun to feel and to laugh at myself now :)
I smell a long rambling blog post coming on... if only there was time :)
Hunger rises... food is all there is to quell it... alas.
What a wonderful roller coaster...
...if only someone really shared the ride right here...
I think this is to be continued...
The more I get to know people, the more I want to be alone.
Yet I crave shared so I stay alive and keep hoping someone will find me and share as I do. That s what these blogs are about. My messages in bottles. I have flown away from time to time for one reason or another. Flown away from life, correspondence, from blogging, from people - sometimes it was slipping into my own self-indulgence and/or self-pity... sometimes it was just getting too busy with life to write. Sometimes I drop corresponding with people to continue the blogging because it is the last hope. Somehow I can convince myself that if someone doesn't care to find my daily words on the web (blog) then they don't care and why should I take time away from my needed writings for myself to write to anyone else?
Then times like these come back and I realize the blog is delusional (what?). The millions of fans waiting with baited breath are delusional (what?... speak up, I can't hear you). Even a few readers is sometimes delusional (oh come on now... do I have to create other accounts and leave comments to convince myself?... My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems).
Ok, so continuing this absurd line of thought (I apologize to the millions of fans and dear readers who are not laughing at this right now), I then I kick off the cloak of hermit-thinking and remember I have known in this life many actual people who actually respond (at the moment, there is J) and just maybe someone real outside of my head will respond again and maybe that's enough.
Ok, correspondence is good.
It's not enough, though. I am insatiable. Its never enough to just share words, even as much as I love sharing words and always want to share words even more than I do now, much much more. As I said (more than a few times) I see the blogs as the possibility of finding more sharing of words and even more, sharing that can become smiles and eye contact and touches and hugs and even sensuality in the physical world. So I continue blogging even when it is obviously futile.
Hello, would you like to make love with me?
Ok, seriously seriously, anyone I've ever loved is welcome and wanted back in my life. At the very least keeping in touch through words or voice. I lose touch with some, I think, because my your pattern (or habit) of communications is not very stable. I can get lost in a work life that consumed 60 or more hours of my weekly waking time and a sports life that can consume 15-20 (or more) hours of my weekly awake time and a social life that can consume almost all the rest of the waking time and then my need to write to myself and throw the bottles of words and hope into the universe via blogs steals time from sleep... that is when the letters pause. I see that now.
Also, there have been times when I did not have internet or a laptop, living in my car. I know, a car without internet access, soon it will be unthinkable. I recall dial-up. Old? I won't tell you what else I recall lol.
I have the luck of being in this very active body. If I was home bound, I would be writing letters as I did when I retired in the nineties and published The Letter Exchange and Paper Fantasies (starting in the eighties) and had long literary conversations with more than a hundred pen pals and deeply moving correspondence with dozens and intimate unconditional loving trusting letter exchanges with a few or a few more. Two became lovers and roommates. I am so happy J inspired me to remember this.
Imagine the blogging I might have done had the internet been around.
The point I think I was making is that the heart is always here for anyone who can find it. :)
So what else is new?
Yesterday softball was fun and then a delicious filet mignon (seldom eaten, but especially good when it is prepared as I like it and it definitely was... like buttah). After softball and dinner, I moved on to cards with old friends (remembering why I don't hang out with them as much as I used to, but still good to see them). I think I mentioned this with more embellishment somewhere before. The brief blog has had some activity. A lot more than this one. Did you miss me?
Continuing keeping you in touch with the details of the daily life, today I woke, showered, and headed to a friend's meetup. She runs a meetup called (I think) the Orlando Thinkers Discussion group. We went to a local high-end college fine arts museum and listened to a tour guide tell us about the artists. A lot of people showed up, but only seven walked to a restaurant for early dinner. I'd have liked more to join us, one was kind of cute, or was it the short flowing dress and g-string (or no underwear?), anyway... some are too shy or poor to socialize after group spectator activities and I understand both positions well.
Yummy food and I ordered a take out meal for tomorrow. Interesting conversation, though none inspired me to pursue further discussion privately, alas. Still, at the risk of not saving enough to move out of here when I finally want a clean place to relax and cook and eat and be in, I think I will attend more of her meetups. Even if the cute ones put on underwear.
I know, I have no couth. Sometimes. Especially when babbling. I mean, I didn't stare or take close up photos. Actually, I took no photos. Darned. This could all be something inserted to titillate or shock, of course. Something inserted, aye? Yeah, well, you'll just have to question further (or actually look into my eyes and spend some time with me) to know for sure.
I just paused.
It was not to masturbate, no. Your minds, really.
I felt like a snack (oh sure, go ahead, associate the oral thing with the hunger with the sexual desire and tell me it was emotional hunger brought on by horniness. Yeah, so what of it? What if that's true? Whatchu gonna do about it, aye?) and my choices here are limited so I reached for the big bottle of nuts (stop that right now) that I bought a couple of weeks ago when I was house sitting for Jackson. That lead me to wonder how long it takes for mold to grow on nuts at 85 degrees. So I searched for that and found no clear answers. I did find a lot of enthusiastic people giving advice as if they suddenly woke up with the news that we've been doing things all wrong since the dawn of time. So I ate nuts.
So what else is new, (didn't I ask that already?... are you paying attention?... where are your hands?), again?
The past few (or maybe two) days I started writing in my daily blog more. I have been writing only sporadically in my blogs this year. A sign of the disarray and discomfort at "home" and limited time and putting sleep ahead of writing. The babbling blog has been neglected even more with just occasional mini-explosions of words, but mostly silence. I even stopped track of the writings some time over the last few months, a definite (and rare) sign of detachment from myself and my writing and my written gardens inside and in the physical world. Not good, but not that bad just yet.
I am still opening and very occasionally adding to the previous daily blog which was the primary for more than seven years and spanned the whole of my living with Jackson (which may be a sign of my trying not to give up on her in spite of all the evidence and good advice that I should). Major changes in life - not just external, but all sorts of factors come into play - have been the reasons for the changes in primary blogs. From early on... just counting them up now... asking myself where it all began online... maybe here (or at least close if you follow the words and links back and forward found there).... at least blogging started rooting itself there.
Wow, I just felt a tinge of inspiration to journey back and walk a random path from long ago. My love of writing (and babbling and rhymes) continued after my small self-publishing ventures on to the internet as I wrote in bulletin boards, in chat rooms, in newsgroups, in forums and all sorts of places that blended into Newsbee's Universe some time later as my own web space developed when I moved from my paper written gardens into my online written gardens which I can trace back to the second page I ever put on my online written gardens (I think) and hopefully the wayback machine will continue to help me find the pages the greedy corporations deleted without warning, but that's another story and sad as it may be, I'll follow the retrograde path into excitement for the moment.
Everything seemed so new in '02. lol :)
For the record, the pages from the 90's were deleted by a couple of supposedly "free for life" websites and the pages from 2001-2009 were deleted by grand old AT&T and they can all go rot in their corporate hells for wiping out my written gardens, but the goodness of the wonderful people at The Internet Archive (aka The Wayback Machine, whch only goes to show they have their heads on straight and yes, I donate - you should too cuz you never know you might need them to cure your broken heart... please do). Please?
Maybe someday I will find someone who enjoys wandering such random paths (by clicking links and following the next link and the next (so many links to choose from, the clicking is impulsive and the path is almost random). I sometimes felt so silly and profound (sometimes simultaneously) back them and it's so much fun to feel and to laugh at myself now :)
I smell a long rambling blog post coming on... if only there was time :)
Hunger rises... food is all there is to quell it... alas.
What a wonderful roller coaster...
...if only someone really shared the ride right here...
I think this is to be continued...
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Abandonment Issues
I could be babbling... I mean, it almost happened, but then, there is no laughing it off (in laughter can be found the deepest truths), being abandoned by those who promised to care and not be like all the rest sucks rotten eggs and then some. Hi Toronto. Hi Orlando. Hi all the good intentions in between. People, I don't understand them... songs, give me songs, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
you promised you would never do the same
but now you're gone and once again I feel lower than dirt
because I believed you... was it all a game?
the facts say you used me and now I am discarded
we were not in love and yet I'm broken hearted
you called me your best friend and said
"you're stuck with me"
why'd you put that in my head?
now you are gone and I am left just wondering
what happened to the promise
what happened to the understanding
what happened to my friend?
and those words you said...
Naturally this probably does not belong here. It probably belong in some deeper closer to personal secret identify informational autobiographical kind of blog, but here we are cuz, well, nobody's reading anyway. From the start, in this life, I was abandoned. Left at the hospital at birth. Revolving and distant parental units. All or nothing friends and lovers. Did I set it all up this way to prove I deserved to be left alone from the start? I know I did, even when I was not aware of it. Sadly, nobody saw through the self-destruction and here I am. Unnaturally alone.
I only asked for what I gave
unconditional love seems to be too hard for you
but it's the only way I know
unconditional trust seems to be too hard fr you
but it's the only way I know
and it scares you all away
and it scares you far away
and I refused to learn how to limit my love
and I refused to learn how to limit my trust
because I wont settle for less than all we can be
sharing anything less is just not right for me
Don't let it bring you down, it's only an old song and I am still looking for someone who is turning, yearning, burning, learning how to share it all cuz it's never enough cuz there's always more cuz infinity has no wall or door to be satisfied with anything less means your heart died and you are a mess of conflicting contradictions burning in fears that control you lost in compromising confusions and illusions that destroy you and any chance of understanding awareness and love is lost to faith in something you keep out of reach too high above - hate to tell, truth is, you damn yourself to hell by putting your head in the clouds as if something above will save you..... you turn your back on love.
Ooooo, hitting above the asteroid belt (or is that below?... whatever happened to the hairdresser who know for sure?) or something like that. Yeah, it's one of those entries. See, I know that I love and trust unconditionally and so I can tease and taunt and speak the truth and overcome any pain it might cause because I know I love and trust unconditionally and it is not in my power to give anyone else that power and security and confidence and the faith (did I say faith?) in themselves that I have in myself.
So I eat canned meat these days and lament cuz the friend I trusted to understand my abandonment issues did just what she said she would not do and of course she has her very good reasons and of course I forgive her betrayal and lies and of course I still trust er intentions even though she didn't follow through on her promises just like everybody else.
This is the limbo period. I drag this out hoping I don't have to give up on the friend... and reluctant to start again trusting and believing someone else will not do the same thing.
Someone ought to write a somg about it.
Someone probably did and the song(s) were on the tapes left in Toronto like the stolen child (and I searched the internet for streaming waterboys and found something on lastfm dot com that seems to be at least giving me part of the song... so I will leave it on and hope the music comes through) for the world's more full of weeping than you can understand... and returning from the end of the universe only to find all the magical mystery tours have become abandoned school buses with faded day-glow paint and flat tires, home to spiders and snakes and the occasional lost soul who's giving up on life and people and themselves. I've been there and there is nothing any different there than anywhere else.
The fears are everywhere. And I still set them off by being as open and honest as I am. Unconditional love scares people away. Unconditional trust scares people away even more.
Maybe Mike Scott is one of my soulmates.
This world is killing my heart (and I don't even know the song, but the title is so true with my added prefix. He's like a cross between Bob Dylan, Alanis Morissette, and others of that and other ilks. Some Fiona self-pity and some Melissa visceral vulnerability and some Edie and Lori and Patti and Shawn and Leslie philosophies and some Moody and Harry and more.
because it's easier to hate than hurt
yes it's easier to hate than hurt
When you want to one you loved becomes your venom, see
it is easier to hate than hurt
it is easier to curse when you're mouth is full of dirt
when you gave everything and left with your shirt
off your back
it is easier to hate than love
that is a fact
Bits and pieces of songs may flow because I want you to know I don't want to let go I don't want to give up believing in you I still want to believe the words you said were true. I still want to believe in you.
ain't no words for the things I'm feeling...
You don't have to be a genius to be here, you just need to honestly care... cuz even the trees are dancing... and you are not aware... even the trees are dancing... I wonder why you don't seem to care.
do you think you have some immunity?
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
it's no wonder why I go through this life alone
I feel all this shit that nobody wants to own
I will not shut my eyes or heart to all the suffering
and I stand here daring you to sing
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
did you hear the one about the next big resurrection
do you thin you have some special protection?
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
it's no wonder why I live in pain and poverty
I feel all the things that nobody wants to see
I will not pretend all is well and wait for another kind
I stand here daring you to sing
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
it is a matter of perspective
everything is what you believe
but what if what you believe is wrong? . . . .
. . . .
. . .
. .
.
I'm just gonna keep singing this song
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
Don't abandon all hope unless you are ready to go. Don't abandon all hope unless you are ready for goodbye. Don't abandon all hope unless you really don't want to know. Don't abandon all hope unless you really want to die. And if you are ready to die, if you are tired of the show, if you are ready to die, just go.
I'll just go on believing in the good intentions and hope someone somehow somewhere will follow through someday.
Until next time...
Narf :)
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Shirley You Jest
So many words flowing out to J and still more floating around in the space between the ears of this body I inhabit, in case it matters (occasionally reaching into as if it matters even more than the effervescent eternal optimism of the childinside {not to mention hopelessly hopeful romantic} use to reach deep into the fanciful omnipresent universal celebrity {and fame and fortune} hidden slightly discreetly within the babbling blog realms of the ever expanding written gardens and the multitude of fans eagerly awaiting the next incarnation of the babbler {not to be confused with the doctor or the clones, mind you}, but let's not let a little enthusiastic self pity get carried too far away hence we lose touch with whatever point this entry might have been coming here to make, m'ok?)
What?
Yes, (or no), this is not just another not just a continuing saga entry in the continuing saga of life (we all start sagging sometime, after all), but rather, it is a blink of an eye in the brief history of time (and even briefer history of life on this planet and even briefer history of homo sapiens dominance and just a moment, what's this?... deep though has an announce a new answer... news at eleven).
All tangential asides aside, when you lavish me with praise and accolades and your hard earned money I am very appreciative and someday, perhaps soon, I might reveal myself to you but for the moment, I leave us with the illusion of my invisible presence in this life like a cellophane man as unknown and unappreciated as I am alone and isolated (fame does not true sharing make {you can read all about it in the future autobiography loosely titled The Hidden Elvis [the writer revealed] to be published someday, sometime, somewhere in that place for us if you now what I mean} and people in random houses should not write on stone tablets).
You can all fight over publishing rights.
Meanwhile, the hunger continues to produce less than logical remedies as the sensory apparatus settles for what is preferable from what is available and the humans available have no been preferable for a long long time. I long to meet someone who's dominating emotion and motivation is not fear or greed.
in younger days
i held you close all night
only to leave your side
for words compelled to write
your endless hope
inspired such pure ideals
and i still recall
how good it feels
to love and be loved
unconditionally
to trust and be trusted
just the same
it does not appear
in today's society
than anyone still will
do it again
so sad, this dying species
so sad, this suicide
so sad, the fear is winning
so sad, the love we hide
oh dear me, oh my... is there anybody going to listen to my story?
Maybe this one (there are so many).
Why do you condemn yourself to your vision of hell when you can create heaven just as easily? So afraid you are not up to the task on your own, but that is the only way it can be. You have nothing to share until you find yourself and only you know where you are. For all the energy you expend on desire, you never seem to get quite that far. Can you stop running in circles for just long enough to see how much you are missing by believing you know what is right and wrong, do you even feel your lips when you are kissing? Or should we ask when was the last time you gave all of yourself to anything? You call taking giving and pretend that is love, but it is not a love song you are singing.
Why do you condemn yourself?
What are you apologizing for?
Original sin is one book on your shelf
But there is so much more
Life is an open door.
Love is how to keep it open. Someday I hope you all understand.
And yes, everything changes, if we only opened ourselves to experience life, we'd know this well. We'd know how to live together without killing ourselves or each other. Sad we don't do that now.
But don't be sad (and not cuz two out of three ain't bad) because you are here experiencing this magical mystery tour of life in your own individual way (for the moment, staring in awe at my infinite wisdom, no doubt) and rejoice in the word for if this exists, then imagine the hope for humanity you can find if you join the band and follow me down to the river. You don't have to be a hippie to get it, but you are one if you do. And if you are frightened by the word or concept, bless you for listening anyway.
Don't go changing to try to please me, but even more, don't try to change me to please yourself. You;ll have to get used to failure and disappointment if you do and that's one of the last things I wish for you. Embrace your good intentions, even if they scare you. Try to follow through. I believe you can. I believe in your heart. I hope you do too.
But where's the dirt?... where's the drama?... where's the details?...
They are, for what they are worth, mostly lost in translation from the experience to the mind to the words these days. What does flow into words mostly goes to J, the human currently keeping me from giving up on humanity (everyone has a purpose, right?). Those around me are distant, at best. Uninterested in the dirt, drama, or details of this life experience or me, so most of the time I don't think about them. Investing time, energy, interest, love, trust, stuff, life in people in the hope they will return the gifts has not balanced in return for me. I remain alone and those I've given all I had to remain far away, out of touch, and for all intensive purposes gone except in memories and feelings in me.
So the hunger continues. Nuts.
I'm still sending all my good thoughts to you.
Narf :)
What?
Yes, (or no), this is not just another not just a continuing saga entry in the continuing saga of life (we all start sagging sometime, after all), but rather, it is a blink of an eye in the brief history of time (and even briefer history of life on this planet and even briefer history of homo sapiens dominance and just a moment, what's this?... deep though has an announce a new answer... news at eleven).
All tangential asides aside, when you lavish me with praise and accolades and your hard earned money I am very appreciative and someday, perhaps soon, I might reveal myself to you but for the moment, I leave us with the illusion of my invisible presence in this life like a cellophane man as unknown and unappreciated as I am alone and isolated (fame does not true sharing make {you can read all about it in the future autobiography loosely titled The Hidden Elvis [the writer revealed] to be published someday, sometime, somewhere in that place for us if you now what I mean} and people in random houses should not write on stone tablets).
You can all fight over publishing rights.
Meanwhile, the hunger continues to produce less than logical remedies as the sensory apparatus settles for what is preferable from what is available and the humans available have no been preferable for a long long time. I long to meet someone who's dominating emotion and motivation is not fear or greed.
i held you close all night
only to leave your side
for words compelled to write
your endless hope
inspired such pure ideals
and i still recall
how good it feels
to love and be loved
unconditionally
to trust and be trusted
just the same
it does not appear
in today's society
than anyone still will
do it again
so sad, this dying species
so sad, this suicide
so sad, the fear is winning
so sad, the love we hide
oh dear me, oh my... is there anybody going to listen to my story?
Maybe this one (there are so many).
Why do you condemn yourself to your vision of hell when you can create heaven just as easily? So afraid you are not up to the task on your own, but that is the only way it can be. You have nothing to share until you find yourself and only you know where you are. For all the energy you expend on desire, you never seem to get quite that far. Can you stop running in circles for just long enough to see how much you are missing by believing you know what is right and wrong, do you even feel your lips when you are kissing? Or should we ask when was the last time you gave all of yourself to anything? You call taking giving and pretend that is love, but it is not a love song you are singing.
What are you apologizing for?
Original sin is one book on your shelf
But there is so much more
Life is an open door.
Love is how to keep it open. Someday I hope you all understand.
And yes, everything changes, if we only opened ourselves to experience life, we'd know this well. We'd know how to live together without killing ourselves or each other. Sad we don't do that now.
But don't be sad (and not cuz two out of three ain't bad) because you are here experiencing this magical mystery tour of life in your own individual way (for the moment, staring in awe at my infinite wisdom, no doubt) and rejoice in the word for if this exists, then imagine the hope for humanity you can find if you join the band and follow me down to the river. You don't have to be a hippie to get it, but you are one if you do. And if you are frightened by the word or concept, bless you for listening anyway.
Don't go changing to try to please me, but even more, don't try to change me to please yourself. You;ll have to get used to failure and disappointment if you do and that's one of the last things I wish for you. Embrace your good intentions, even if they scare you. Try to follow through. I believe you can. I believe in your heart. I hope you do too.
But where's the dirt?... where's the drama?... where's the details?...
They are, for what they are worth, mostly lost in translation from the experience to the mind to the words these days. What does flow into words mostly goes to J, the human currently keeping me from giving up on humanity (everyone has a purpose, right?). Those around me are distant, at best. Uninterested in the dirt, drama, or details of this life experience or me, so most of the time I don't think about them. Investing time, energy, interest, love, trust, stuff, life in people in the hope they will return the gifts has not balanced in return for me. I remain alone and those I've given all I had to remain far away, out of touch, and for all intensive purposes gone except in memories and feelings in me.
So the hunger continues. Nuts.
I'm still sending all my good thoughts to you.
Narf :)
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