I could be babbling... I mean, it almost happened, but then, there is no laughing it off (in laughter can be found the deepest truths), being abandoned by those who promised to care and not be like all the rest sucks rotten eggs and then some. Hi Toronto. Hi Orlando. Hi all the good intentions in between. People, I don't understand them... songs, give me songs, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
you promised you would never do the same
but now you're gone and once again I feel lower than dirt
because I believed you... was it all a game?
the facts say you used me and now I am discarded
we were not in love and yet I'm broken hearted
you called me your best friend and said
"you're stuck with me"
why'd you put that in my head?
now you are gone and I am left just wondering
what happened to the promise
what happened to the understanding
what happened to my friend?
and those words you said...
Naturally this probably does not belong here. It probably belong in some deeper closer to personal secret identify informational autobiographical kind of blog, but here we are cuz, well, nobody's reading anyway. From the start, in this life, I was abandoned. Left at the hospital at birth. Revolving and distant parental units. All or nothing friends and lovers. Did I set it all up this way to prove I deserved to be left alone from the start? I know I did, even when I was not aware of it. Sadly, nobody saw through the self-destruction and here I am. Unnaturally alone.
I only asked for what I gave
unconditional love seems to be too hard for you
but it's the only way I know
unconditional trust seems to be too hard fr you
but it's the only way I know
and it scares you all away
and it scares you far away
and I refused to learn how to limit my love
and I refused to learn how to limit my trust
because I wont settle for less than all we can be
sharing anything less is just not right for me
Don't let it bring you down, it's only an old song and I am still looking for someone who is turning, yearning, burning, learning how to share it all cuz it's never enough cuz there's always more cuz infinity has no wall or door to be satisfied with anything less means your heart died and you are a mess of conflicting contradictions burning in fears that control you lost in compromising confusions and illusions that destroy you and any chance of understanding awareness and love is lost to faith in something you keep out of reach too high above - hate to tell, truth is, you damn yourself to hell by putting your head in the clouds as if something above will save you..... you turn your back on love.
Ooooo, hitting above the asteroid belt (or is that below?... whatever happened to the hairdresser who know for sure?) or something like that. Yeah, it's one of those entries. See, I know that I love and trust unconditionally and so I can tease and taunt and speak the truth and overcome any pain it might cause because I know I love and trust unconditionally and it is not in my power to give anyone else that power and security and confidence and the faith (did I say faith?) in themselves that I have in myself.
So I eat canned meat these days and lament cuz the friend I trusted to understand my abandonment issues did just what she said she would not do and of course she has her very good reasons and of course I forgive her betrayal and lies and of course I still trust er intentions even though she didn't follow through on her promises just like everybody else.
This is the limbo period. I drag this out hoping I don't have to give up on the friend... and reluctant to start again trusting and believing someone else will not do the same thing.
Someone ought to write a somg about it.
Someone probably did and the song(s) were on the tapes left in Toronto like the stolen child (and I searched the internet for streaming waterboys and found something on lastfm dot com that seems to be at least giving me part of the song... so I will leave it on and hope the music comes through) for the world's more full of weeping than you can understand... and returning from the end of the universe only to find all the magical mystery tours have become abandoned school buses with faded day-glow paint and flat tires, home to spiders and snakes and the occasional lost soul who's giving up on life and people and themselves. I've been there and there is nothing any different there than anywhere else.
The fears are everywhere. And I still set them off by being as open and honest as I am. Unconditional love scares people away. Unconditional trust scares people away even more.
Maybe Mike Scott is one of my soulmates.
This world is killing my heart (and I don't even know the song, but the title is so true with my added prefix. He's like a cross between Bob Dylan, Alanis Morissette, and others of that and other ilks. Some Fiona self-pity and some Melissa visceral vulnerability and some Edie and Lori and Patti and Shawn and Leslie philosophies and some Moody and Harry and more.
because it's easier to hate than hurt
yes it's easier to hate than hurt
When you want to one you loved becomes your venom, see
it is easier to hate than hurt
it is easier to curse when you're mouth is full of dirt
when you gave everything and left with your shirt
off your back
it is easier to hate than love
that is a fact
Bits and pieces of songs may flow because I want you to know I don't want to let go I don't want to give up believing in you I still want to believe the words you said were true. I still want to believe in you.
ain't no words for the things I'm feeling...
You don't have to be a genius to be here, you just need to honestly care... cuz even the trees are dancing... and you are not aware... even the trees are dancing... I wonder why you don't seem to care.
do you think you have some immunity?
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
it's no wonder why I go through this life alone
I feel all this shit that nobody wants to own
I will not shut my eyes or heart to all the suffering
and I stand here daring you to sing
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
did you hear the one about the next big resurrection
do you thin you have some special protection?
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
it's no wonder why I live in pain and poverty
I feel all the things that nobody wants to see
I will not pretend all is well and wait for another kind
I stand here daring you to sing
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
it is a matter of perspective
everything is what you believe
but what if what you believe is wrong? . . . .
. . . .
. . .
. .
.
I'm just gonna keep singing this song
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand
Don't abandon all hope unless you are ready to go. Don't abandon all hope unless you are ready for goodbye. Don't abandon all hope unless you really don't want to know. Don't abandon all hope unless you really want to die. And if you are ready to die, if you are tired of the show, if you are ready to die, just go.
I'll just go on believing in the good intentions and hope someone somehow somewhere will follow through someday.
Until next time...
Narf :)
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