Somewhere out there, over the rainbow or under the bridge, somewhere inside, not just a magnet caught on a fridge. It really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right where I belong I'm right where I belong. So maybe someone somewhere might have imagined asking me how am I. How are you? Yes, you too, but this is about me. You're not here, after all. So you want an answer? Do I?
I don't know why I'm here, but I know I am.
Watch now as the brief email to a dear other morphs into the answer to the question, if asked, it's good to have some sort of answer prepared, I mean, in case it matters, right? I don't sit down to write as much as I used to and I definitely don't tell anyone much of what is going on in my life cuz that seems to drive people away and I don't want that, but I did want to share the hematologist appointment today went well and he doesn't want to see me for another 6 months which is a good thing. You like good news, right? I must call my other docs to make appts for other stuff - just need to make time to look up the telephone numbers (the phone died almost two weeks ago, in case you didn't know). Anyway, I stopped here to poop shower and change before I head to work and just wanted to say hi and give you good news cuz I know you care and I want you to know I appreciate you. :)
Yes, that was one answer alright. Maybe as positive as it gets, but not everything is hunky dory, peachy keen, or even alright. The phone saga was emotionally (or maybe just psychologically) traumatic (or maybe just dramatic). Is there anyone ever going to listen to my story? Much doubt smothers hope these days, but hope still lives somehow under it all. So in the event that the answer is yes, and you are out there waiting, here is another answer to the question how am I? morphed from another brief email to another friend. Friends inspire me to start exploring and assessing and facing the reality I may ignore at times without a friend who cares enough to ask, and I share the answer here with the hope that someone will want to come closer and be the close friend in physical space, maybe even a partner in something, life or more, I mean, in case you wondered.
Better, worse, what day is it? lol Sigh. Yeah, so anyway, I miss you. Been a long time.
Softball has been rained out a lot. I'm vegetating, but restricting calories enough to have dropped weight. Not eating balanced or as healthy as I can, but fewer calories. You really want to know?
Well if you must (know, that is.. oh, and don't let my nonchalance fool you, I appreciate caring so much more than ever these days... there is an infinite insatiable desperation just under the skin, alas, which is why no one comes near anymore... maybe), the very painful bleeding poops are back, as is (I strongly suspect) C.Diff. Yes, not all the news is good, but who really wants to know, right? I called the GI doc today and someone will get back to me. I also made an appointment for Monday with my new primary about the leg bruise that remains from early February that started these last four months of spiraling health issues, though the baffling buttocks has been on again off again for a few years now. Doctors do not seem to find anything wrong, yet the poop experience is very wrong too often and the rate of that is increasing to almost every poop. Yes, this is not a poop joke.
Anyway, the leg got infected and started the whole C.Diff merry-go-round. I am wondering if it is a deeper infection that exploded into my renal system ad mouth and glands and so on that re-started the C.Diff part two. I still need to get to a dermatologist for several reasons and who knows what can of worms that will open. I'll ask my primary to remind me who she recommended. One of the frustrations is that I can't take baths here and baths are an important part of treatment for the anal fissures.
Meanwhile, on other numerical journeys, glucose was 161 in last week's labs, so it remains too high even though I lost more than 10 pounds. Diet. Exercise. I am not doing that well and this living environment is not helping me do anything better. More and more of me is giving up. The last labs didn't check cholesterol cuz they were part of my nephrology follow-up. At least the Nephro said all is well and he doesn't need to see me for another six months. So maybe the medical report ends with some good news.
That's all I remember at the moment. The mind wants to shut down. The body is obviously deteriorating and a rapidly increasing pace and I am not doing much about it. I am not sure how much of that is waiting for someone to actually care to ask or even notice or just me giving up on this whole life experience and accepting the inevitability of death.
Gee, how dramatic. Sometimes experiencing this life as an outsider watching it from a distance is not the best way to stay alive lol.
I still love to laugh :)
Meanwhile, the world needs healing, and the medicines are know. Governments have made them illegal, but governments can only stop waves, they cannot stop floods. We need another flood.
And I am still a psychonaut, though I never liked the name.
So how are you?
Narf :)
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