Distracted By Assholes

I play games. Games on the phone, on the computer, in my head. Dozen of them, at least. I indulge my ADD more than ever. No one cares. No one understands or wants to. That's the way it is today. I should take a break from everything, go off into the wilderness somewhere and recalibrate my synapses because I have screwed around with them so much, they don't care either. Not much good comes from playing games with your own mind.

It really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right. Bouncing from one game to the next, distraction wins, dreams lose, but I don't feel the loneliness as much when my mind is playing. Moments of mindless distraction. A pleasently numb delusion. It seems so real to me. And I love her so. Still, the jokes on me and even though I lost my tapes in Toronto, they are still here, in my mind, playing games. Avoiding the truth (everybody does it). And it shows la la

So I paused from my distractions to come here and play with the words and links and internet s I used to do when there was more frolic and free time in life and less distraction by assholes. I had been meaning to check on the boxes net to my blogs on the blog list and when I did, I remember that those boxes indicate pending comments and I started clicking and that lead me here because this comment lead me to this entry and I remembered my dream and the hopless despair of the futility of it was broken by the inspiration this girl provides when I remember to listen to her and that lead me to want to write and that brought me to listen to John Lennon Remastered 2010 on the youtube (thank you youtube, for all the free music) which reminds me how well he expressed life, at least as I've known it. Feel it.

And how I want it to be.

Even as blogger and this laptop and the internet throw stones (interruptions) to distract me even further, the core calls out once again and I am ignoring it in my usual way, here, for all to see. As if anyone does lol. Sigh. I want to remember and believe.

Maybe I'll listen to some Beatles later.

Did I mention I wandered tinder for a little while tonight. Between distractions. Between songs. Between paragraphs, even. Did I mention that not all distractions are assholes? Mine is, but that doesn't mean yours has to be. I didn't see any assholes on tinder, but then, it's not x-rated and how would one know, anyway?

Oh, how I wish I could just let it go, but I am caught on the merry-go-round of poverty. On the other hand, I long ago let go (at least most of the time and almost always in my mind when I remember who I am) of the delusions most people indulge in all the time. So few people create their own delusion and that is so sad.

Maybe it is all just background noise.

So I let myself fall asleep after dinner and woke somewhere between 1 and 2 am and (seems like code , 1 and 2 am and) here we are as the music plays, the internet provides, and my old log posts haunt.

tbc?...