It is not because my best friend abandoned me except in texts (and now says those need to stop too). It is not because I moved in with a guy who said he would clean up before I moved in and has made a much bigger mess instead. It is not because he told me he was going to lose weight for charity and sits around eating ice cream and cakes and pasta while drinking protein shakes and eating protein bars. It is not because he is broke even though I pay enough rent to cover his mortgage, all utilities, and there's still more left over. It is not because after living here more than three months there is still not a clean space for me to sit in the living room, still not a clean kitchen that I would cook in, or still dishes in the sink and clothes in the washer even when he goes away for a week. It is not that he poops these huge stinky morbidly obese person shits and leaves the bathroom door open even when I close it repeatedly and spray air freshener that I bought and leave in the middle of the mess on the kitchen table so the air conditioning intake which is right outside the bathroom blow the stank into my face in my room (it's a small room). It is not because almost everyone I've ever let close to me has shown me good intentions they could not live up to and said words that turned out to be unintentional lies. It is mostly because of what most people do to each other and to this world every day.
Humans do not respect life. As much as most humans fear death so much they do not even discuss it, human actions individually and as a species are more suicidal than any other species on this planet. The human species is a parasite that does not care if it's host dies.
Harsh, huh?
Ok, so I obviously wanted to vent a bit about the people closest to me, but I've known much deeper betrayals and much more dirty living spaces (though this is the longest I ever stayed in one without cleaning it myself). I imagine there are some people in this world who take responsibility for life-supporting lives much more than I do, but I just do not seem to attract them and that's my bad. Maybe they are just not as good at finding broken lost souls as I am (cuz I sure find them a lot). Maybe I am too broken and lost. Maybe I am hidden beneath such a clever maze, no one can find me.
G used to tell me that. Hail Toronto.
Meanwhile, I'm getting hungry and the last thing I want to do is eat this late because I have been turning the six month pigout around these last thirty-six hours and if I can keep this up a few more days I just might remember how good it feels to not be bloated all the time and maybe even get back to some sort of exercising daily since I have a free gym (two, actually) at work and that is still just six short blocks away. Actually, less. Sleep would be right about now anyway because it just might not rain tomorrow night and I just might get to play softball for the first time in... has it been a month? No wonder I am discombobulated.
Be healthy out there.
Narf :)
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