Wrote this last night. Well, actually, I spoke this last night. Into the phone. Talk to text. Didn't read or edit it yet. Might not. Anyway, it came out a I was falling asleep. Or maybe asleep.
I think I miss me.
You decide...
I am so sleepy. So far away from where I need to be. So long since I’ve written. So far away from something that is me. I am not sleeping enough and it’s been weeks now. I am eating too much this past week. The rise and fall is not good without sleep. And without sleep, the clarity is gone. Or so it seems. It is so hard to find. In the sleepy mind. So many things I forgot to say. Because I am not raining. And it’s been weeks now. At least weeks.
I’m not sure why. Except that I’ve become A bit addicted to this game. Meaningless matching dragons game. Going practically nowhere. But still I’m going with it.
But it goes beyond the game. The game is just a distraction from whatever is going on inside. It’s loneliness of course, it’s always loneliness. Heavenly emphasis on the loneliness. And there is a bit of awkward distraction from the living situation although that has gotten immensely better in the past few weeks and I really should read about that because otherwise the writing is just complaining.
On the other hand, sometimes when I’m not running things are peaceful. I can find things to complain about if I look for them, but that’s not what I write for. I write to keep in touch with myself. I’m not keeping
Not keeping in touch with myself is not a good thing. But I don’t feel as detached or uncomfortable or queasy about it as I sometimes do. I don’t think I’m avoiding much more than the loneliness. Dissatisfaction with relationships is part of loneliness. But very peaceful happiness that I am now at my core is insecure as it’s ever been. Surely more money for creature comfort‘s and relaxation time and travel and shopping gift giving and surprising people with stuff whatever would be sweet.
Life is good inside. Even if I am not sleeping.
I’m not giving up
I’m not giving up the dream of finding the one through the written word on the Internet. I’m just taking a break from the futility laughter of it or what.
I wish I had someone who cared enough to notice.
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Communication, Duh!
Yes, I have gotten in the habit of not communicating my needs and desires to others. It's been a lot of years, mostly brought on by waning hope that anyone will ever actually care enough to want to know or actually want to help fulfill them, actually. So I've ever so gradually, over the last three months, opened boxes and made attempts to move in a little more each week. Each step along the way I had to ask TA to follow through on the spatial sharing we discussed when I moved in. Even my bedroom was not cleared out until the very last weekend when no one was using the room for months. I think that was because his ex-wife had stuff I there and a combination of respect and the emotional loss.
Change is challenging at times.
He's also similar to me in accepting what is and procrastinating about doing things, even when they are things that need to be done for health and peace and happiness. He needs the extra $ to maintain this big house for the kids, I need to feel at home. We talked it over and he offered sharing the house, but the sharing has been slow in coming. So I finally stopped assuming the worst (see previous blogs) and being silent and we ad a good talk. At least it was good from my end, TA doesn't share much about his feelings or wants and needs. Yes, even less than I do. Acceptance and procrastination can be an uncomfortable, if ot down right destructive mix.
We talked about the sharing.
He said he understands my challenge due to the lack of privacy, admitting he would not want to have someone in his face seconds after waking. I do need to walk past him (and sometimes the kid when she's here) to get to my bathroom and because of how he has his chair facing, I look directly at him when I leave the bathroom. Uncomfortable, but the hemorrhoid issue made it all the more disturbing especially since I found him there Saturday morning before sunrise. The TV woke me.
He said he could tell I wasn't feeling well and assured me that he was not passive aggressively resisting sharing the space. I pointed out that each step along the way, my bedroom closet, a place for my recliner, the kitchen cabinets, each waited until I asked after weeks of wondering why the space was not cleared. I mean, my boxes sat in the kitchen into February before I had a couple of cabinets to put things in.
So we discussed privacy and my not feeling at home and how he said we'd split the house and I could set up this living room as I please. He mentioned all the picturss on the walls (there are about eight and none are my style, I mean they are way too grown up for me lol lam) and I had not thought of them, which shows just how much I accept and how I avoid asking for anything. He is sensitive and kind and started following through this weekend by hooking up his TV in the other living room, taking down the pictures in here, and I've hardly seen we talked. I don't sense tension or discomfort or dissatisfaction or frustration. Just giving me space, maybe realizing that he hasn't.
He still has his main chair, an ottoman, a table, two amps he recently obtained (moving his stuff into this living room was not giving me the space we agreed too, but the laps serve a needed purpose and until I find lamps I fall in love with, I like the light they provide), and his TV in this living room. Since my TV is not hooked up, I appreciate his generosity leaving that for now. Still, yesterday and today he's made a big transition to leaving me alone in this living room so it feels much more like my room. Now I just need to actually move in, something I've not done anywhere in years.
Buy a couch, table, lamps, pictures, even an elliptical machine. Anybody got a spare $10,000 laying around? Maybe I will even get to the point where I have a friend over. How many years? More than a decade. and then some. I have lived a very isolated life, actually since childhood. I always went to friend's houses to play. Old habits die hard.
Ok, so optimism and comfort return and maybe we will be friends, really looking out for each other, instead of just friendly roommates. After all, if I had a close enough friend, he or she would have helped me get a place I could call home a lot sooner than this, if only by looking me in the eye and asking me why I am settling for a bedroom in a house that has not one mark of me (in Eb's place for almost two years). Here, the question would have been "So when are you going to make this your home?
It's been a very long time since I made myself a home.
Outside of my head, that is.
Narf :)
Change is challenging at times.
He's also similar to me in accepting what is and procrastinating about doing things, even when they are things that need to be done for health and peace and happiness. He needs the extra $ to maintain this big house for the kids, I need to feel at home. We talked it over and he offered sharing the house, but the sharing has been slow in coming. So I finally stopped assuming the worst (see previous blogs) and being silent and we ad a good talk. At least it was good from my end, TA doesn't share much about his feelings or wants and needs. Yes, even less than I do. Acceptance and procrastination can be an uncomfortable, if ot down right destructive mix.
We talked about the sharing.
He said he understands my challenge due to the lack of privacy, admitting he would not want to have someone in his face seconds after waking. I do need to walk past him (and sometimes the kid when she's here) to get to my bathroom and because of how he has his chair facing, I look directly at him when I leave the bathroom. Uncomfortable, but the hemorrhoid issue made it all the more disturbing especially since I found him there Saturday morning before sunrise. The TV woke me.
He said he could tell I wasn't feeling well and assured me that he was not passive aggressively resisting sharing the space. I pointed out that each step along the way, my bedroom closet, a place for my recliner, the kitchen cabinets, each waited until I asked after weeks of wondering why the space was not cleared. I mean, my boxes sat in the kitchen into February before I had a couple of cabinets to put things in.
So we discussed privacy and my not feeling at home and how he said we'd split the house and I could set up this living room as I please. He mentioned all the picturss on the walls (there are about eight and none are my style, I mean they are way too grown up for me lol lam) and I had not thought of them, which shows just how much I accept and how I avoid asking for anything. He is sensitive and kind and started following through this weekend by hooking up his TV in the other living room, taking down the pictures in here, and I've hardly seen we talked. I don't sense tension or discomfort or dissatisfaction or frustration. Just giving me space, maybe realizing that he hasn't.
He still has his main chair, an ottoman, a table, two amps he recently obtained (moving his stuff into this living room was not giving me the space we agreed too, but the laps serve a needed purpose and until I find lamps I fall in love with, I like the light they provide), and his TV in this living room. Since my TV is not hooked up, I appreciate his generosity leaving that for now. Still, yesterday and today he's made a big transition to leaving me alone in this living room so it feels much more like my room. Now I just need to actually move in, something I've not done anywhere in years.
Buy a couch, table, lamps, pictures, even an elliptical machine. Anybody got a spare $10,000 laying around? Maybe I will even get to the point where I have a friend over. How many years? More than a decade. and then some. I have lived a very isolated life, actually since childhood. I always went to friend's houses to play. Old habits die hard.
Ok, so optimism and comfort return and maybe we will be friends, really looking out for each other, instead of just friendly roommates. After all, if I had a close enough friend, he or she would have helped me get a place I could call home a lot sooner than this, if only by looking me in the eye and asking me why I am settling for a bedroom in a house that has not one mark of me (in Eb's place for almost two years). Here, the question would have been "So when are you going to make this your home?
It's been a very long time since I made myself a home.
Outside of my head, that is.
Narf :)
Friday, March 1, 2019
Why?
Oh well, it was a couple of days of having my own space was nice. Not tonight. Even if I went into my room, the TV is right outside so the show is on in my room, at least audibly. I have to walk past him to get to the bathroom and he sits facing the bathroom door (as opposed to facing the TV, actually 90 degrees in relation to where his TV sits... I don't know why), which is odd and disturbing. No privacy. This entry is not finished, I can smell it. His big room and private bathroom is a kitchen and living room away, but he lives in my side of the house. It's like he's sitting watching TV right outside of my bedroom and bathroom door.
This is not working.
I am being anti-social because he is not going to control my head space. Working Moms, daytime soap opera fair, is on TV. Why do people want to watch others live typical self-centered ordinary mundane lives they think are so important on TV? This fleeting existence is so meaningless in the grand scheme of the universe and people think they are so very important, fighting over every little thing for momentary control. Maybe it's a fantasy, but I am past the moms and kids stage in my life, so it does nothing for me. In fact, it's a bit of a turn off and I am trying not to let it get in my head. I don't think it's working.
Maybe my silent typing will.
Just a distraction without any intellectual value. Whining complaining women hating men seems to be in vogue these days. Where is the creativity in this humanity? Working Moms never seem to be at their jobs, typical for TV people. Pretending to be just like anyone else, but never go to the bathroom, never have any money issues, never reach for anything more than the same daily routine that they continuous complain about. People don't seem to understand the slavery they accept and they are so stupid, they call it freedom. Sure, many have it worse, much much much worse, but it's not freedom.
It's gotten into my head.
I was all set for the kids again since they were here this week. Coming home to the family in what was supposed to be my living room would have me considering going out for the evening and I really must avoid the temptation of food. I must take care of this body though and not eating is part of that and yet, the frustration is definitely making not eating more challenging. I am trying not to focus on the negatives. I just want my own space.
It's not like "whatcha wanna watch?, it's come sit in my living room and do what I do.
I should have taken the one bedroom and spent more. No wonder unpacking hasn't progressed in more than a week. The hemorrhoids are probably not helping my mood and the dirty cat on my chair must stop, but getting home to be reminded this his house and he's going to live in 90% of it is disheartening. Paying at least 25% of the total expenses makes it unfair as well. It's not about the money, it's about respect. I rent a small room and semi-private bathroom and have no privacy, an irritating way to start a weekend.
Alas, the cat was on my chair today.
My towel was covered with fur and dander and that pisses me off because she's a dirty cat. The last thing my asshole needs is more allergens, irritants, and bacteria. So instead of sitting here and getting into my head, I am focused on shutting out more stupid human nonsense on TV and the lack of space I can call mine. I think I'll move my chair back in my room this weekend. I'll need to figure out how to keep the cat off my recliner too. Or buy a recliner cover and a dozen new towels, change the towels every time I want to sit, and wash the towels often. Whether the low water top loading agitator gets the towels clean or not is questionable, but this is the reality. I am obviously in a very crappy mood and I don't know why. Sort of. I mean the root cause. I was so excited to head home a little early. But it's not home.
There's curry sauce spotted on the kitchen counter and floor.
He made curry something two nights ago. As usual, dishes piled in both sinks. When I want to fill my water bottle, I need to move his dirty dishes to one sink. If I had some private space to come home to, I probably wouldn't be so unhappy, buy why choose to watch the TV closest to my bedroom when there are two TVs on the other side of the house? People are herd animals. Why choose to live in the room that shares a wall with mine on the side of the house when there's more space on the other side of the house?
I don't know why.
Maybe he's lonely. But did he have me move in so he can cuddle? Sure seems that way spatially. I don't want to cuddle with him. The space is at least a fifty feet deep, yet he's snuggled up less than 10 feet from my bedroom.
Why?
This is not working.
I am being anti-social because he is not going to control my head space. Working Moms, daytime soap opera fair, is on TV. Why do people want to watch others live typical self-centered ordinary mundane lives they think are so important on TV? This fleeting existence is so meaningless in the grand scheme of the universe and people think they are so very important, fighting over every little thing for momentary control. Maybe it's a fantasy, but I am past the moms and kids stage in my life, so it does nothing for me. In fact, it's a bit of a turn off and I am trying not to let it get in my head. I don't think it's working.
Maybe my silent typing will.
Just a distraction without any intellectual value. Whining complaining women hating men seems to be in vogue these days. Where is the creativity in this humanity? Working Moms never seem to be at their jobs, typical for TV people. Pretending to be just like anyone else, but never go to the bathroom, never have any money issues, never reach for anything more than the same daily routine that they continuous complain about. People don't seem to understand the slavery they accept and they are so stupid, they call it freedom. Sure, many have it worse, much much much worse, but it's not freedom.
It's gotten into my head.
I was all set for the kids again since they were here this week. Coming home to the family in what was supposed to be my living room would have me considering going out for the evening and I really must avoid the temptation of food. I must take care of this body though and not eating is part of that and yet, the frustration is definitely making not eating more challenging. I am trying not to focus on the negatives. I just want my own space.
It's not like "whatcha wanna watch?, it's come sit in my living room and do what I do.
I should have taken the one bedroom and spent more. No wonder unpacking hasn't progressed in more than a week. The hemorrhoids are probably not helping my mood and the dirty cat on my chair must stop, but getting home to be reminded this his house and he's going to live in 90% of it is disheartening. Paying at least 25% of the total expenses makes it unfair as well. It's not about the money, it's about respect. I rent a small room and semi-private bathroom and have no privacy, an irritating way to start a weekend.
Alas, the cat was on my chair today.
My towel was covered with fur and dander and that pisses me off because she's a dirty cat. The last thing my asshole needs is more allergens, irritants, and bacteria. So instead of sitting here and getting into my head, I am focused on shutting out more stupid human nonsense on TV and the lack of space I can call mine. I think I'll move my chair back in my room this weekend. I'll need to figure out how to keep the cat off my recliner too. Or buy a recliner cover and a dozen new towels, change the towels every time I want to sit, and wash the towels often. Whether the low water top loading agitator gets the towels clean or not is questionable, but this is the reality. I am obviously in a very crappy mood and I don't know why. Sort of. I mean the root cause. I was so excited to head home a little early. But it's not home.
There's curry sauce spotted on the kitchen counter and floor.
He made curry something two nights ago. As usual, dishes piled in both sinks. When I want to fill my water bottle, I need to move his dirty dishes to one sink. If I had some private space to come home to, I probably wouldn't be so unhappy, buy why choose to watch the TV closest to my bedroom when there are two TVs on the other side of the house? People are herd animals. Why choose to live in the room that shares a wall with mine on the side of the house when there's more space on the other side of the house?
I don't know why.
Maybe he's lonely. But did he have me move in so he can cuddle? Sure seems that way spatially. I don't want to cuddle with him. The space is at least a fifty feet deep, yet he's snuggled up less than 10 feet from my bedroom.
Why?
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