Last Night

Wrote this last night. Well, actually, I spoke this last night. Into the phone. Talk to text. Didn't read or edit it yet. Might not. Anyway, it came out a I was falling asleep. Or maybe asleep.

I think I miss me.

You decide...

I am so sleepy. So far away from where I need to be. So long since I’ve written. So far away from something that is me. I am not sleeping enough and it’s been weeks now. I am eating too much this past week. The rise and fall is not good without sleep. And without sleep, the clarity is gone. Or so it seems. It is so hard to find. In the sleepy mind. So many things I forgot to say. Because I am not raining. And it’s been weeks now. At least weeks.

I’m not sure why. Except that I’ve become A bit addicted to this game. Meaningless matching dragons game. Going practically nowhere. But still I’m going with it.

But it goes beyond the game. The game is just a distraction from whatever is going on inside. It’s loneliness of course, it’s always loneliness. Heavenly emphasis on the loneliness. And there is a bit of awkward distraction from the living situation although that has gotten immensely better in the past few weeks and I really should read about that because otherwise the writing is just complaining.

On the other hand, sometimes when I’m not running things are peaceful. I can find things to complain about if I look for them, but that’s not what I write for. I write to keep in touch with myself. I’m not keeping

Not keeping in touch with myself is not a good thing. But I don’t feel as detached or uncomfortable or queasy about it as I sometimes do. I don’t think I’m avoiding much more than the loneliness. Dissatisfaction with relationships is part of loneliness. But very peaceful happiness that I am now at my core is insecure as it’s ever been. Surely more money for creature comfort‘s and relaxation time and travel and shopping gift giving and surprising people with stuff whatever would be sweet.

Life is good inside. Even if I am not sleeping.

I’m not giving up


I’m not giving up the dream of finding the one through the written word on the Internet. I’m just taking a break from the futility laughter of it or what.

I wish I had someone who cared enough to notice.