Elementary

Yes, the TV show based on Holmes and Watson. Yes, I watch it (when I had a TV it you recall). Yes, I started watching it again from the first episode (I am halfway through season two) when I signed up for a month of free Hulu. Yes, it absorbs me and offers a wonderful distraction (and can be addictive). When I watch shows (or read books or listen to songs or experience any fiction, I can relate to the characters as if they were real people, especially when the characters are developed well and connect with aspects of my real life. Fiction and storytelling is just ideas, after all, and what is life anyway, if not ideas we make real through our actions). I can do that with Elementary because I have a lot of Holmes and Watson (and Moriarty, for that matter) in me (no wonder people keep their distance, aye?). The show also strives to be more than just a procedural crime drama and often succeeds in that due to the character development.

So for most of at least two days and nights I've watched a lot of Elementary and it has energized my brain on many levels. The affects are not all positive, however. It does little for the body except provide potential masturbatory fantasy, though the potential for increasing exercise in order to feel more fit can come from the experience (has in the past) of even imaginary interaction with fictional characters. More viscerally, whenever I surface from the fantasy world the show and characters take me to, I feel lonelier than ever (cuz imaginary lives and delusions, much like drugs, are not really satisfying beyond the momentary experiences. They are just temporary distractions and emotional roller coasters, but we don't have the energy for such philosophical ramblings tonight as I am starting to nod off. I wish someone shared watching shows (and sharing all sorts of creative play) with me, but then, who really wants to feed and rebuild a starving child?

Shift gears out of there, fast! lol sigh.

Going with the distraction for now, the character would probably say those who write about him (yes, there are people who write about TV shows, a lot, even... no really, a whole lot, just none in the life I live day to day... excuse the grinding gears, hiccup) don't have a clue as to who he is or what makes him tic (sound familiar?).

Watson's heart, even if driven by guilt, is inspiring and sometimes too close to home (as is Sherlock's insensitive arrogance, among other things). I admire Lucy Liu for many reasons (not just because she has libido's favorite body type and flaunts it well or even because she plays the accordian... hey, I'm not just all about sex and self-mockery, ya know? lol) so her playing Watson helps me enjoy her character. I love that she directs some episodes and takes her roles as seriously as she does. I'm not a blind fan, but she seems as fun as her wry smile on the show.

Then there's the occasional appearance by Natalie (who teases really well so I'll follow her lead a bit... maybe she has a good sense of humor? {the crappy sound obscures a clear conclusion}. She doesn't seem to mind nude scenes, though I have not seen a shot I'd save {yes, I am a very picky pornophile, if you must judge lol... really, you don't judge? lol... oh alright, enough teasing for now... I mean, you're not even here at the moment, are you? :) }... to me, she does not look like she takes working out seriously). C+ (maybe it's teasing, aye?).



to be continued...

Stretching the Time

In another entry this title will relate to stretching the time of leisure, but for the moment (and to be continued) this title refers to the immediate daily stretching of time awake.

This entry will be written any minute now...

Skipped Saturday morning softball with the seniors in order to get a few hours sleep after watching TV (the first 12 episodes of elementary, to be precise) and I woke in time to shower and head out to lunch with Helen at the Chinese buffet near her house. After lunch I headed to Excel and the Commodore's early and helped them with some chores/errands and then we played a game until just after midnight and then we played Bridge until after 5:00 am and then, here we are.

More shall follow...

The Only Story

So I thought about reading (thanks J) and discovered that Stephen King has a dozen novels and more writings out since the last time I was an avid reader of fiction (all my reading is online the last decade plus) so I am contemplating the library experience again. I once took a half dozen books out each week, at least, and sometimes more. I recall Stephen said he was done, as in no more writing, after the last book in the Gunslinger series. He lied lol.

Instead, in my craving for fictional escape, I signed up for a free month of Hulu without commercials. For less than $200 a year I get to watch TV shows again. Unfortunately, Hulu does not have NCIS so I may not continue after the free month. It also does not have new season shows, big strike two. I watched 12 episodes from the first season of Elementary and enjoyed it, but I probably could have gotten those from the library for free. I have not plugged in the TV yet so the watching is on the small screen on this laptop. I am not getting the experience of catching up on this year's shows that I would like, but I enjoyed visiting with my old friends from Elementary and will watch more.

I played more of Microsoft Solitaire. It became boring after a few games. I must download chess, bridge, spades, and a few other games to this laptop. Of course I also must continue sending out resumes for jobs, but priorities, right?

Mocking irreverence, seriously.

It is the weekend. I want distraction. Won't someone come and distract me tonight? Someone coming would be a fine distraction, come to think of it. The right body shape for libido would be even sweeter. Lucy has that which adds to my enjoyment of Elementary but it is the tortured mind of Sherlock that raises the show to one of my favorites. I live his lifestyle (and relate to his perspective) in so many ways, though my sugar daddy is far from wealthy so I have a small box compared to his brownstone and I do not have anyone I can consult for to keep me busy and of course I do not have a roommate who cares for me.

Did you ever trust someone so much they could do anything to you?
I mean have you ever given anyone your whole life?
Did you ever believe that someone could make all of your dreams come true?
The normal words are husband and wife

But I am far from normal
The word for me is friend
Unconditional trust is where we start
and never is where we end

I believe in giving
In sharing everything one
In every moment everything starts
and never is when we are done

So if you ever wondered if the trust between to people could ever be as it is with yourself
I can tell you it can be and it is no story, it is better than any book on any shelf

. . .

it goes on forever
so please continue...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we love you. It is the only story I ever want to make my own.


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Mostly Babbling

Yes, so I lost interest, at least temporarily, in blogging about daily life in any specific brief just-the-facts way. That may simply be because life is not a pretty site in reality and I'd much rather babble on about it because babbling is fun, therapy, and an effective distraction from the missing pieces and challenges that reality presents these days. I mean, how many times can I write the same thing without boring myself to death? (or something like that). Laughing at whatever now because the process is so practically perfect in every way, it's like I have a magical nanny taking care of me when I am babbling. But then, you may never know what I mean or what you are missing if you don't come into the circle. I mean, really, is Joan Baez's Diamonds and Rust about Bob Dylan?

This is the dirt, the drama, and the details of the life mixed with babbling asides and rambling rants and disassociative distractions and meaningless meanderings and confuddled complaints and foolish fantasies and silly self-depreciations and and complex collusions and secret self-mockery and creative confusions and raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens and all the fun of the fair, for starters.

So today was another day of sleeping past noon and then sitting at the computer sending out resumes and then rambling through my files of words to post a few more entries here and there and spending a half hour or so on Facebook checking on the group I help manage and the peole who message me and the posts in what they call my news feed (which I am finally getting closer to what I want to see instead of what Facebook wants me to see, but that is a constant battle as Facebook seems intent on controlling my newsfeed for which I should thank them for it helps me spend less time there).

Then it was time for a shower in the shower box and then a drive to play bridge. Without thinking I drove toward Curly's place and after a half hour when I was halfway there he texted to tell me it was at The Commodore's place and so it took me another forty minutes to get there. I stopped for a 7-11 hot dog and pizza on the way so I would not show up too hungry because I don't want to pig out there when I seldom contribute to the food we eat and they make dinner for every card night. Still not eating the way I need to eat to drop the weight I need to drop, but whatever, right?

Of course not, but nevermind.

Cards were not so much fun tonight. Curly was in a mood, maybe leftover from Tuesday as he was not happy with me Tuesday for pointing out that he and his partner were making extra safe bids in spades after they got a great hand and set Excel and I, which makes the game less fun. He doesn't seem to understand that he gets upset with others for doing the same things when others do it. Tonight he was enjoying Excel's mistakes and my mistakes more than Excel could handle and she quit early just fed up with what she saw as mockery and poor sportsmanship. I saw it, but I've learned that Curly is a poor winner and an even poorer loser and I've come to accept it. It is not fun and hurts sometimes, but I am in debt to him and I don't want him to get upset with me while I am living in his property for free. Excel just let it get to her tonight. We talked about it and we will have a signal to help each other out the next time one of us start feeling hurt or mocked too much. He is always correcting me and interrupting The Commodore hen I ask for an explanation. He confuses Excel and I but there is just no telling him to let The Commodore explain without him pouting. Excel has been playing for a year or so and I've been playing just a few months. The Commodore has been playing bridge for decades and has "masters points" and Curly has been playing for years and has some points. When they team up against us it's really not fair and when Curly laughs at us it's really not fun. Trying to tell him about it does not go well at all, so I ignore it.

Dirt, drama, and detail is not always fun. :)

The good news is I've learned to accept the control Curly wants and I accept his double standard and it didn't get to me tonight. Ever since I passed Excel in overall points and encroached on his second place score he went off on me for cheating and all sorts of things he didn't like (most of which I was not doing, but other things we all do all the time because we play a fun casual game) and he took over keeping score and doesn't let anyone see the scores unless he wants to. I don't even asked about scores anymore and I play differently just to keep from winning too much so he stays happy. Unfortunately tonight he was laughing about winning a little too much and sadly, it got to Excel but that may have brought us closer so we can look out for each other next time.

Hopefully he won't find a way to blame me for Excel being upset. People are sometimes so challenging to play with :)

As I said, Excel and I talked it over as I drove home and she said my understanding and recognizing what happened helped a lot. We will help each other enjoy the games more from now on.

That's the dirt, drama, and details for today.

What about yours? :)

Nothing Magical

No, there is nothing magical here tonight. Or there, for that matter. Somewhere. I've wandered from myself and the writing (which may be one and the same) once again. I can pretend that it is because nobody cares to be here with me, but it is an apathy deeper inside than that. Maybe it is an actual real visceral psychological physical need. maybe it is a madness only I experience (hopelessly hopeful romantic dreamer hangs on to whatever optimism is left inside and repeats just keep breathing, just keep swimming, just keep a way to the heart open...

Maybe someone understands.



What can I say?...

Once there was a way to find myself when I was lost and return to my high
These days I don't know the way to recall who I am, sometimes I don't even try
When I was a child my heart was broken and left shattered gaping open wide
Sometimes late at night I wonder why I am still here when maybe I have died

There aren't any answers
no magic wonder pills
just lonely silent dancers
some momentary thrills
an emptiness consuming
the wonder of the love
that once was all I lived for
now it's a worn out glove
and nothing seems to fit
I don't seem to give a shit
some moments of clever wit
I don't feel a part of it
what I lost has been forgotten
what I gained is emptiness
the hopelessly hopeful dreamer
has something more to confess
we have settled for distraction
superficial happiness
and we pretend it's enough
but it's really just a mess
because we are not satisfied
and sometimes we can't hide
the heart still gaping so wide
wishing you would come inside
but so afraid to let you in
whether wisdom of a sin
losing before we can win
is no way to begin

Once there was a way to find myself when I was lost and return to my high
These days I don't know the way to recall who I am, sometimes I don't even try
When I was a child my heart was broken and left shattered gaping open wide
Sometimes late at night I wonder why I am still here when maybe I have died

Not that I have lied....

Dirt, drama, and details are not always explicit or directly associated with the reality of the daily life even when it is all about the daily life. Sometimes I find clarity in what may appear to be obscurity. Sometimes I just find comfort and sometimes, comfort is enough.

Like The Way I Do

Once upon a time there was this energy (what is this about once upon a time, that evergy is still here and there and everywhere because it is the energy of the eternal infinity and it reached and still reaches everywhere) that my awareness touched and embraced and became part of it and that experience is as magical as anything gets in this physical experience we call life. I am not sure if anyone has found the words to express the experience or sensations and few people have even come close... but maybe if you close your eyes and listen closely without any distractions and let yourself go completely you might imagine something...

like this...



And live...

Back to the Routine

On most levels, returning to the routine I choose, a routine that includes softball, card games, yummy food, internet mental stimulation and distraction, all things that I enjoy a lot, is wonderful. There is a down side, unfortunately, and that down side is serious and even destructive as what is missing is income, money, and to stay off the streets in this culture requires income. Another serious down side of the current routine is lack of exercise which accelerates aging and body deterioration. The worst result is that I lose conscious awareness of and physical contact with the love and passion and magical energy of the universe, the energy of the eternal infinity. I doubt anyone really understand what I mean, but the endlessly hopelessly hopeful romantic optimist continues to do everything I can to believe it is still possible... someone will share it with me.

That is not part of the routine. Sharing.

That is so very sad for me. Even as I enjoy the moments of this life so much I can barely remember what is missing sometimes, when I get home and start writing to keep in touch with myself and the energy, here we are. The longing, the aching, the songs of Melissa Etheridge (reference her original Melissa Etheridge LP and some of her Greatest Hits, The Road Less Traveled CD) and others rise from the ashes of the burnt out dreams in my heart and fly all around me sometimes taunting and sometimes stimulating me to fly with them again. Flying alone reminds me of how much I want to share the experience of this energy and the journey through this life (can Harry Chapin be far behind?) and the missing consumes me.

I can cry. I can laugh. I can scream. I can be as high and happy or as low and sad as any life can be, but I can not share the experience alone.

Who can... who will... share it all with me.

Eating Too Much

The food addiction I nurture (it's legal, stop judging... it's not funny, stop laughing... it's killing me slowly with it's song, killing me slowly, with calories... ok, so if laughter is not the cure, it is still the best medicine... in my religion, anyone who dies laughing goes to a special level of the next level, even if that is nowhere, man... someone who dies loving is even more special... oh how i love to sing i could die in your arms tonight again... but this parenthetic aside was not where this entry was heading... though my dreams of love seem to never be farm from any destination i might choose... if you truly believe you are as extreme a helplessly hopeful romantic as i've been, feel free to compare scars and histories... it's not a competition, it's a reality for me, a fantasy for many, and a lack of common sense when fantasy becomes reality but who's counting?... someone will someday... girl) is slightly out of control again. A week of extravagnce has left me a few hundred dollars poorer and at least a dozen pounds heavier. It's a sad sad situation (so why am I laughing so heard?... speaking of questions no one answers, are you getting any of the lyrical references?)

...

Early Night

Last Day in Austin, the let down was evident in the fact that the team did not get together to do any activities, not to explore the city, not to watch the other Orlando teams still playing, not even for a team dinner. Only a few of us went to the closing ceremonies block party and NW and I left to get pizza and decided not to go back because it was late and we were tired and we were flying out the next day. That is just the way it's been with this team and maybe it's the coach who parties with his other team and not us and maybe it's because there is no social organizer on the team and maybe it's just because I don't drink so I don't enjoy the clubs and drinking which is mostly all they do to socialize and maybe it's because I am older than the rest or maybe it's something else.

The important thing is we come together on the field most of the time (when we are not undermined or over-pressured by the coach) and we win a lot when we do. I don't think it's that we don't like each other, I think it's just some personalities don't gel, mine included, and we go our own ways off the field. So this is the entry for the last night of the World Series this year. All in all, we had a lot of fun. I know we could have done better without the coaching changes, but we are what we are when coach is around (and do better when he's not, but we love him).

Austin was fun even though we did not get to do much because of the constant rain. I missed connecting with an old friend from high school mostly because we always had to be ready to jump in the car to be at the fields if the rain stopped and hey got a field cleared. Since I was not driving, I had to be near the driver and that made it awkward to try to head off on my own for a while. Alas, we all missed a lot of potential experiences there, but we made lemonade out of lemons.

I head home tomorrow and will be getting up early for a free breakfast buffet with NW (I am using my $44 complimentary breakfast for two) so I ought to get some sleep. Beav is already fast asleep as he has a 6am flight. The party is over and it's back to life, back to reality.

Better luck (and weather) next year :)

GSWS Austin Day Four

Day four. We were told to wake and be ready at 8am. At 9am we were told no games would be played until noon and the organizers were asking for volunteers to help clean the fields. I am not sure what they were doing overnight or since sunrise. At 10:15am we were told we should check for updates at 11am for the schedule of games between noon and 5pm as they expect four fields to be playable at noon. They said check again at 2pm for the rest of the day's schedule. The good news is the sun is shining in about half of Austin. The bad news is light rain is expected most of the afternoon. If we get lucky the fields will be spared as they can not take any more water. If today is cancelled, it will be the first time in forty years that the world series would not have been played to a championship game.

Meanwhile, at breakfast they ran out of bacon and the manager gave me a $44 voucher for a breakfast buffet for two at the restaurant downstairs. That works out great as I'll be able to give back to Beav for letting me stay in his room for this trip. Living this luxury week was unexpected and I wish I had a better way to thank Beav than just thank you. The downtown JW Marriott with Elite privileges for relatively free (I am treating him to two dinners and paying the parking fees) in the middle of all the fun is a whole lot sweeter than the America's Best Value with smokers far from the fun without a vehicle. This is the first tournament I do not have a room or vehicle of my own. Very weird to depend on someone else. The best news is that I am feeling more team spirit from this group than any previous team (except maybe the first) in spite of hardly playing any ball. The rains could have really created a lot of negativity, but almost everyone is pulling together and making lemonade. Yay team.

We finally got the tournament play started in the late afternoon (or something like that). The set up was 30 minute games with one pitch. That's getting up to bat with a 3-2 count and a foul ball every time. A strike is an out. A foul is an out. A ball is a walk. Tough on pitchers who have control issues. Tough on batters who are not confident they can hit most anything. So that altered performances and changed the results of the series more than anything else could. We played hard, but we just were not ready for the first game in the new format and we lost 3-2. Yes, not really a softball score, but we went into the last inning up 2-0 because I had the other team under control. Unfortunately, several errors in the last inning loaded the bases for the other team with no outs. I got one to fly out and a run scored on a tag up. Another error let another run score so we were tied 2-2. I got another guy to foul out but the last batter hit the ball over the left center fielder who was positioned way too far in by the coach and then misjudged the ball. Really frustrating loss as it was all errors, particularly errors by the guy I would never have chosen as a fill-in player, and including coaching errors. A coach who is too easily distracted by socialization and phone calls really hurts this team. I love him, but his ego won't accept criticism no matter how constructive it is so we all just accept it.

We went on to win three more games, two close ones with come-backs and one blow-out. By 2am (yes, 2am) we were exhausted and errors cost us our second loss by one run, 7-6. We came back from 7-2 in the bottom of the last inning, but unfortunately with bases empty, I and the guy in front of me grounded out to close out our world series. Exhaustion and for me, frustration. I looked around and saw players who were done making foolish errors. The coach made some foolish changes for the game, moving players around to positions they had not played all series and it cost us. The replacement player I questioned as a choice made four errors on easy balls that cost four of the six runs and moving one of our outfielders to third base when she was not warmed up for third cost two more as she overthrew first base on her first two throws. This team doesn't have the stamina to play that many games back to back and it showed. We were done.

We finished 13th our of 59 teams, a very respectable finish. We were beaten by two teams that finished 7th and 8th respectively. We would have beaten either of those teams handily with our regular players and fewer coaching errors. Disappointing more because we are better than we showed, but still, we all had a lot of fun and the new players got a lot of good experience. Maybe the coaches will take my advice next year and not choose a player I advised against as a replacement player for players who can not make it. Hopefully we will make it to next year's GSWS in Portland. Either way, I'll most likely be there with one of the teams that do make it.

After we got back to the hotel, the five Marriott crew players gathered in the Executive Suite on of the players had ($499 a night) and four of us drank until about 8am (not me) and then stumbled down to the Executive breakfast which was a lot of laughs for us and most who saw or who interacted with us. You can find a bit of the fun in photos on my Facebook page.

The summary of our Series, four days of softball condensed into one twelve hours long into the early morning hours.

Maybe I should mention we are the Orlando Hung Jurors. :)

GSWS Austin Day Three

Day three. We played our first game and won. We played poorly but held on to win 10-8 after coming back to take the lead in the bottom of the fifth. Our outfield booted a couple and let a couple get by them that should not have gotten by them for home runs for the opposition. Our outfield is not very experienced and is not very strong (we are missing our best outfielder who couldn't make the trip... actually, three starting players could not make it and the subs are ok, but alas, a downgrade). The outfielders were burned three times as well. We have one of the best infields in our division but nerves affected their play as well for a few innings. We almost completed three double plays. We did complete one on a ball hit back to me. By the fifth inning, I finally got a feel for the umpire's inconsistent strike zone and the opposing batters weaknesses and was able to strike out a few in the latter innings, including the last batter of the game. Getting hugs by our hard-core shortstop (we bump heads all the time because she is so competitive) was a great feeling. All in all, fun.

Unfortunately rains came before our second game could start and our games and more than half of the games scheduled for day three were postponed to day four. Some teams have not even played yet and there is no way they can play regular games tomorrow and fit all the games in even if they play round the clock so I suspect we will go to a one pitch format and shorter games, which sucks, but is better than not playing at all. Fingers are crossed all over Austin for no rain tomorrow.

We found another restaurant, The Raging Fork. It was not bad for a $36 8 ounce filet mignon kind of place. A 22 oz Ribeye was $45. I got the salmon for $22. Economizing and eating a bit lighter as all we've eaten so far has been beef and pork. BBQ and steak seems to be all people eat around here. Unfortunately one of us hates seafood and another is an almost Vegetarian, so we are torn when all five of us are eating together.

Are we having fun yet?

GSWS Austin Day Two

Day two, a dozen or so of the hundreds of games scheduled for this week were played. The four game round robin portion of the world series was cancelled. So the double elimination tournament is all we've got left which means almost two hundred teams and thousands of players who paid many hundreds of dollars for the travel and week-long hotel stay will not get to play the 6 games minimum that the world series usually guarantees. Last year we played 11 games as we made it to the 7th place game. We finished 6th when one of the teams ahead of us was eliminated due to a protest. The top few teams in each division usually are playing above their normal skill level and some actually have players who are under-rated so there is a protest process where one team can challenge the rating of a player or players based on the ratings questions. Each city provides some ratings committee members. I was one of Orlando's representatives, but we had no protests in the first few games.

The seeding, usually decided by the round robin games, was decided by a random draw and team ratings. That created seriously unfair match-ups and some of the better teams had to play each other and moved into the losers bracket when they would probably not have had the rain not cancelled so many games. Most teams, including us, did not get to play on day two because only a few of the twenty fields were reasonably playable. Rains came in the afternoon to cancel the second half of the scheduled games.

Our first game is 11:05am tomorrow.

We walked to the Capitol Building and wandered around. A scene from Best Little Whorehouse in Texas was filmed in that building (dance scene in the rotunda, if you recall the film). We walked around downtown some more, getting wet, then went to dinner. Manuel's Mexican restaurant across the street from the Marriott was very good. We found a grocery store afterward for snacks and drinks and headed back to the hotel. Some of the team went out drinking because that is what most of the league does, but I stayed in and actually turned on the TV.

Ghost is one of those movies that wrap me up in my deepest romantic dreams and turns me inside out and leaves me wasted in a puddle of my own emo. I decided to watch while Beav was out drinking. Emo, definitely. Dreaming of a love like the love that was the heart of that story is the reason I live, though it would be hard to tell if you did not read my rhymes. I've gotten very good at distracting myself and enjoying the superficial fun to be found most anywhere. Too good at it for my heart's sake. Alas, the rain is dampening more than the fields.

So what are you up to?

GSWS Austin Day One

Day one of the tournament was completely rained out. After three or more months of no rain and weeks of 100+ degree temperatures (according to the locals), the storms can and flash flooding started. Sad and disappointed, we wandered around aimlessly most of the day waiting for some word on whether we would play and when, but finally we heard the worst, all games cancelled. It appears the forecast for tomorrow may cancel the whole round robin portion of the series, which would suck.

Beav's wife (who did not make the trip) has Elite Gold or Platinum status at the JW so we have keys for the Executive Lounge where we get free breakfast and the royal treatment. That's the most fun part of the trip so far. While most of the teams were staying together, our team was staying at four different locations and had little communication. A few of us staying at the Marriott because the "Marriott Crew" in a text group and we explored downtown Austin between raindrops. Mostly we spent time in restaurants or bars. Waiting.

I ought to have a lot of time to ramble (write) this week, but the bummer of the rain is dampening my desire to record every little thing we do (or don't do, which is mostly what we do). So send sunshine and hope for dry fields tomorrow.

Are you having fun? :)

Travel Day

Actually, the trip to the airport was almost as long as the flight. The plane left Orlando at 10:35am and arrived in Austin at 12:10pm. Of course that is an hour more travel time than it looks because of the one hour time zone difference, but still, we barely got into all the fun that can be had on a plane (or boredom, for that matter) when we landed. I was almost asleep.

I found the Rage (the other D team going to the World Series) at the airport in their team jerseys. They were all flying together (team, I get it) and all traveling together once they landed and all staying at the same hotel and had much fun planned for the whole trip. I knew a lot of other players on other teams on the same flight. None of my team were on the flight.

I took a bus to downtown with a couple of players from other cities. It let me off right on the corner of the hotel, which was a pleasant surprise. I found Beav at the corner bar of the JW Marriott where he said he'd be. He was already eating so I ordered a $14 burger (it's the JW Marriott) and he waited until I finished. We went up to the room and relaxed a bit, then wandered the streets of Austin until the World Series opening ceremonies.

I read some of the names of the people who died at Pulse on stage at the Opening Ceremony as part of a tribute. It was very moving. Many tears all around. Then the rest of the time was more festive and T-shirts were exchanged (tradition, though I kept mine because it started raining and I was not into sharing much that night... the seriousness of the tribute hung out with me a while reminding me of all the funerals and tributes I helped organize during June and July). We headed out to local clubs and as the only non-drinker, I wall-flowered most of the night.

The bed is a very comfortable friend as we finally returned to the hotel.

Sleep, the tournament begins tomorrow.

More Than You Wanted to Know

Slept four hours and awakened by an itchy butt. Rash? Hemorrhoids? Parasites? Insects? Some rare or alien disease? (why should I rule out anal probing?... go ahead, I'll listen to your answer). All sorts of possibilities bounce around the brain pushing the idea of falling back to sleep right out the window. So I ran the shower as hot as I could between the cheeks and the itching went through the roof and then I put hemorrhoid cream on because I put some on last night and either it caused the itching or it started a healing that caused the itching and even red-heat-tender there was no burning so maybe it is healing itching but either way I really need to get to a doctor when I get back for a professional set of eyes to look at my anus. Unless you want to.

Just what you expected to come here to read about, right?

If you are not laughing, you are in the wrong place. This is my life, all body parts and orifices are exposed here. You are lucky I don't use the laptop camera or you would likely see close up photos asking for medical advice. After all, the aliens could have poor universal precautions and be passing whatever I've got to other planets. Anal itch from Alpha Century, no less.

Time to empty the car. It has all sorts of stuff in it (paper goods, a new chair, softball stuff, cases of water, and more). It is too dark at night to do it and I have many good excuses for not doing it during the day like waking up too late to have time cuz I'd be late for some activity or the rain or simply being too lazy to drak the heavy stuff a hundred feet or more from where I park the car to here across very uneven ground, through a fence that has the door on the wrong side requiring two hands to open, and loose mulch. Sometimes the neighbors are sitting out right in the only path I've got. Yup, lots of great excuses.

Hope your day is even more fun than mine.

BFTP and More

I am pretty sure something important might have been slipped into all the babbling of the last week or few months (catch-up time is relative, if you know what I mean). At the moment, Melanie sends shivers down my spine with her voice, words, music, and my memories. It is a wonderful experience everyone should have at least once in their lives. The rebel child screams with her heart as she sings Birthday of the Sun and then she covers songs so well she makes them her own with more chills like Unchained Melody where she tones down the power of the melody to just bare bones plantif longing which takes me back to the saddest thing which is one of the most heart-wrenching songs of all time (and I am realizing just how much I miss the emotional catharsis of sad songs so very much tonight) with one of the best most inspiring lyrical bridges of all time...

But I will not weep nor make a scene
just say thank you life for having been
and the final lamenting lines remind me of the silence from those I've known and loved (from the most recent dear Jackson to the deepest Anemone to the reality of you, dear readers) and yet, the lyrical bridge saves me one more time. She deserves more tribute sites and I want to fall in love again. As I drift back to a long long time ago memories of Linda Ronstadt rise from the ashes of the heart and so much more, but if you just read the brief blog, you may never know.

Then again, it could be George Carlin inspiring the rebel child. lol lam (ah, alas, look what they've done to my song :)

After waking in time to head out to a softball double header with the Saturday team where we won one and lost one (7-5, 15-3) and I played better than last week, though walked two in the first game, I headed to Excel and the Commodore's for a shower and games. I got home after 3am and I decided to finish laundry and pack for my trip as much as possible (I left a bag of stuff at Excel and the Commodore's place). While finding things in boxes has left the place in quite a cluttered disarray and hopefully Curly won't come in while I'm gone because he is ocd about neatness and he won't like the cluttered disarray. I intend to straighten up when I get back, but there's just no time for that before I leave without throwing everything in boxes to make it look tidy and I don't want to do that.

Sleep is finally calling.

Nite Nite.

Same Trap, Different Day (Misunderstood)

So after sleeping until after 4pm (after falling asleep after 7am) I text chatted with Jackson and once again she seems to assume I am depressed and don't have the coping skills to recover (that must be what I project on the surface and that is probably deliberate to see if anyone is really paying attention to me) and I reassure her that in spite of the challenges of every day life and the sadness of nobody caring deeper than the surface, I have survived a lot worse and will likely survive this latest series of challenges (the primary challenge being creating enough income to continue eating and drinking and then enough to continue having a social life and then enough to continue expanding my social life and then enough to do more and ultimately enough to retire comfortably... someday... somehow... somewhere).

So after once again trying to vent a little and get her to understand what is going on deep down inside of me I texted this:

I am so lucky Curly gave me a private place to live for free. I am so lucky Excel's son gave me an iPhone 5s. I am so lucky you gave me a good laptop. I am so lucky I can still play softball five or even ten games a week. I am so lucky I have not needed medical care (though I must motivate myself to go for a check up for a few important things at the free clinic). I am so lucky I can walk and talk and be myself just about anywhere I go. I am so lucky you are my friend. I am so lucky I can usually enjoy life's challenges and celebrate waking up and living another day. When I seem down or upset please remind me of these words and also please remember that these words represent who I am deep down no matter how challenging a moment may get. I appreciate being here. 😀

Maybe she will finally stop seeing the surface downbeats and see who I am down deep (and maybe she does and respects me and just doesn't know how to show it).

Anyway, after that text chat I texted Curly and he was on his way to meet Excel and the Commodore at a Mall about 45 minutes south of here to eat dinner at the food trucks that gather there tonight and then whatever. Sigh, and nobody thought of telling me. Probably because the are so used to me playing softball on Friday nights most of the year. At least I can hope that is why I did not get an invite.

So I once again, to avoid the loneliness of staying here in this uncomfortable space, went out to dinner and ate more calories than I needed. This time food truck just food, crab cakes and sides. I drank water though. We went into the mall but instead of walking around to burn off calories, Excel, the Commodore, and I watched Curly and Excel's daughter go on the high ropes course they have at this particular mall. I did not want to take a chance of straining my healing back and should not have even considered spending $25 so I stayed on the ground gaining weight. All four of us are obese according to the charts and I am the least obese among us. Not a good influence on the food addict I can be. It was much better than staying here alone and trying to stand and type of sitting when my back does not need hours of sitting at the moment.

After the mall we went to ColdStone for ice cream. I got a large with extra fudge, naturally. I could have easily been satisfied with a small and extra fudge because it was the fudge that I really wanted, but the foolish choices I make when with others who eat way too much continue in spite of my knowing better when I get home.

After ice cream we went to Excel and the Commodore's place to play cards for a few more hours. Yes, more sitting. So I gained at least five pounds (probably more) this week after losing more than five last week.

Can we say suicidal dummy?

Ah, and there Jackson (and perhaps most of you) step in to caution me about self-deprecation or attitude and encourage me to develop positive thoughts and so on and why don't you get that these are my positive thoughts and I am laughing at my choices and that laughter is better than beating myself up and definitely challenging me to do better. Any other method, for me, is superficial and counter-productive.

So when do we actually change habits to healthy smart?

lol lam narf. :)







PS... oh wait, you care?... want the same sort of honest love I give myself?... ok then, when are you gonna show up?... I dare you to show up and challenge me to make better choices and then stick around to show me how it is done and hang out with me to see if I do... you may be surprised at how you will benefit... afraid you can't keep up? :)

As If I Am Back

The page views return in their usual haphazard relatively meaningless way as if I am back from the time away and I have regular readers who stop by every night (or day) to check in and read about the life and times as experienced by me, the writer of these babbles and yet, who knows who lurks in the shadows, right? Don't go breaking my heart around again, m'ok?

Laughing all the way to the psych ward, today was just another extra ordinary day in the life (have you read the news today?... oh boy) not recorded as once planned but still lived to the fullest extent of the law and abilities far beyond those of mortal man, yes today (as opposed to yes terday, if you catch the drift of time) was another sun-filled action packed extravaganza in disguise (patent pending).

After concluding the previous entry (or something like that) I tossed and turned (or at least stayed awake in bed) with some thoughts rolling through the brain that kept me awake and I finally got to sleep some time after the appointed hour, giving me less sleep than intented but I did wake early enough to shower and drive to the rally to get there early as I planned. My people (meaning the people from the Facebook group) did not show up in droves as I had hoped they wood because most were working, but what was most disappointing was the real die hards did not even call or respond to the Facebook PM I sent to let them know the latest details about the rally. I thought they'd at least respond.

Worse than that, the post I put on my wall about the rally and four people liked it. I have over 500 Facebook friends on my new (yes, it's still the new account... Bugs Webbot, who had more than 1500 friends, will not be forgotten easily and good old Bugs will not go away quietly lol lam lab). Just four people liked what I am doing for the community that about 400 of the 500 people are part of even more than I am. I just seem to repel people online. Must be my literary charm.

So as if I am back to my usual daily online presence, nobody is noticing.

The story of my online life.

Meanwhile, the Rally to End Hate had a disappointing turnout but then, what can be expected mid-day far from where most local people live (the Convention Center is in the heart of the tourist zone, almost an hour from here... we did get people taking off work and travelling more than an hour for the funerals, but not today. Seems the initial enthusiasm to support the community is waning.

A lot of the people there were Democratic Party big wigs attracted by the fact that Republican party big wigs injected themselves into the Event we were responding to, an gathering of evangelical religious leaders hell-bent on preaching fire and brimstone and condemning as hard as they can based on their interpretation of the parts of the bible that condemn. The religious organizations also have specialized training for preachers who want to run for office so their form of Christian Law can become the law of the land. When I ask them if they see the similarity between what they are trying to do and the hard core Muslims who want Sharia Law to be enforced, they show me a bible.

I helped my Sunday softball coach unfurl a 25 foot rainbow flag and then helped two others unfurl a 100 foot rainbow flag. I kept the water cooler full of waters and handed out rainbow pins that I picked up from the rainbow pin maker yesterday. People were appreciative. A group of religious leaders held a press conference to state that religion does not stand for hate or prejudice or condemnation of anyone and some family members and survivors of the shooting at the Pulse night club spoke. A lot of news media were there but other than one stream on one internet show, I stayed off camera. I helped clean up and headed to shop for the chair I started shopping for with Harpo yesterday.

I decided to eat at the Chinese buffet that was next door to the store where I found the chair I wanted in stock. Again, more calories than I needed but deliciously yummy. I went to get the chair afterward and the rains came. I had to wait thirty minutes because the downpour was so hard and I did not want to be completely soaks as I was heading to Excel and the Commodore's to play cards from the store. I got the car and drove it up on the sidewalk so it would be under the cover and out of the rain so I could get the box in the car dry. I did not want a soaking wet box sitting in the car until at least tomorrow as I doubted I would want to negotiate getting it into this place when I got home after midnight. The lighting is bad outside.

So the box with the new chair is in the car and cards were fun, as usual, and it is time for sleep. Hug yourself for me and feel free to let me know you are reading.

Narf. :}

Limitations

There are some features in Windows 10 that are so user unfriendly that they simply do not make sense. Like automatically closing files to restart after an automatic update without saving those files. So I lost words again (and time passes again too). Luckily (for you, perhaps), I do not have the comfort or time to lament as I might wish to because there's still no chair (though I did find one for $200 at Office Depot and I just might be foolish enough to buy it tomorrow if I am foolish enough to forget I am going to Austin next week and have not had income since last year and have a very close to emergency panic button savings creeping into who's gonna feed me now? {loosely related to this one...

who's gonna tell you when it's too late who's gonna tell you things aren't so great you can't go on thinking nothing's wrong who's gonna drive you home tonight who's gonna pick you up when you fall who's gonna hang it up when you call who's gonna pay attention to your dreams who's gonna plug their ears when you scream you can't go on thinking nothing's wrong who's gonna drive you home tonight who's gonna hold you down when you shake who's gonna come around when you break

...but that's a horse of a similar story {and this is quite the parenthetic aside} and the answer still remains nobody} so we shall see just how foolish I can be tomorrow or any day now, perhaps, if anyone cares, in case it matters, all the doo dah day) but somehow I find myself here semi-lamenting about other bigger picture stuff while the lost words linger in the darkness of my mind (tilting at windmills, no doubt).

Once, a classic entry might have emerged where this nub of a joke (or is that a but?) now resides, but for now, I shall disassociate myself with any serious thought and simply summarize the day. Woke after noon after sleeping many hours. Contemplaed my navel on Facebook for a couple or few hours and then headed to The Ribbon Maker to pick up bags of ribbons for tomorrow's rally. I called Harpo, but he didn't want to go. He was open to going out for food after I got back and so we did. Unfortunately his budget pushed him to the wholesale club food court where fat-filled food can be had dirt cheap. I was hoping for the salad place he had suggested a few hundred times over the years. So two days in a row my quest for socialization ended with me consuming way more calories than intended. That sucks. I need to stop calling people when I am hungry. Or find healthier friends.

After the food court pizza and hot dog, we went to see about getting me a chair to keep my back from curtailing life as I know it. I found one I liked way more than I'd like the spend (you may have heard about it), but it was not in stock so we went to another store and I found three or four times the selection and not one I liked. At that point Harpo insisted he had to go home because he had so much to do (I am always puzzled when he says that because he has not worked in at least twenty years) so I took him home. I then went to the local supermarket to finally satisfy my chocolate craving that has been growing for a few weeks. A month without chocolate is a rare experience for me in this life. I perused ice creams and cakes and all sort of chocolates and settled on mini-nestle's crunch bars because they will last in the freezer and they were on sale.

All the side saddle remarks and afterthoughts and other babble that might have accompanied this may also be lost words or perhaps some will appear in a few weeks when I return from the world series if I have time for such self-indulgence and a back that will cooperate with stilling comfortably long enough to do it.

Until then, feel free to graze nostalgic (links provided above).

Appreciation for your time is available.

Narf :)

Maybe Back (A Little Better)

Focusing on what may be causing the back aches. Gaining back some weight and eating more in accord with the pattern I've chosen for some time now may play a role. Sitting in a chair that provides some lumbar support may play a role. Stretching the back by touching the floor every ten minutes or so may play a role. With a tentative degree of certainty, the back acts up when I fast, lose weight, or eat healthy for a few days. It is possible that is an initial reaction and I simply must work through it, but the back ache lingered for more than a week and nothing was working so I returned to the usual routine and tonight is the first night I sat and played cards and the back feels closer to normal than it has in a week. Fingers are crossed that this will continue through tomorrow and there will be no back pain for next week's softball tournament.

I will not sit in the recliner tonight. I am typing standing up and it is not comfortable. I must obtain a chair that provides some lumbar support and a comfortable seated position or I may not sit while at home until I do. That is not exactly a good situation to be in, but that is where I am. I may look for a chair this week, but definitely must when I return from Austin. There is no room for such a chair in this room at the moment so either rearranging the room or sitting in the other room are my only options. The latter is very unappealing and would be quite a nuisance as so many things would need to move there with me to be comfortable and the floor is bare concrete in there and there is no electricity or lighting at the moment so I'd need to run longer extension cords plugged into existing extension cords and the logistics are not simple. Making the chair I need fit into this room would mean moving a lot of boxes into the other room and that will not happen until my back is much less troublesome. Yet the chair is needed to help my back. A catch-22 situation seems to have arisen.

Facebook inspired some words. here they are.

Meanwhile, the anal itching returned likely because I was sitting for most of at least five hours playing cards. The baby powder and corn starch remedy does not seem to be working. I am wondering if I forgot to put some on tonight. I applied zinc ointment when I got home and it feels a bit better. I really need to make time to go to get my blood work done and go back to the free clinic soon after I get back from the tournament.

Meanwhile, back to the back, sort of. I keep figuring that if I lose weight and do abdominal exercise the back issues will not come back as much and yet, my current friends and lifestyle present a challenge for that goal if I make it a goal. I went over to Curly's with the best of intentions to eat healthier and less calories. I was about to open a can of chicken and eat it with a little mayo when he asked me to eat some cold cut roll-ups because he was getting tired of eating them and his son went home. He bought them mostly for his son and he's been eating them for several days in a row. So I ate some of those instead of the can of chicken I brought with me. And then for dinner I ate a cheeseburger and a handful of mini-sausages and fries and salads and more. I drank three Code Reds which is 510 calories by themselves. When I stay home my entire meal may be 510 calories and sometimes is half that (a can of chicken is 210 calories and at times that is all I will have for a meal). I must find a way to resist the temptation of barbecued foods and high calorie side dishes.

Yet after putting all that pressure on my back by stuffing my abdomen, the back doesn't hurt nearly as much. Why?

I am tired and I really want to sit down. I am going to stop writing now and lay down.

I may try sitting in the recliner again tomorrow with some pillow supports behind my back. Maybe. I will do my best to return to continue or conclude or write more somewhere tomorrow for as long as I can stand because I want to write more.

Time Passes The Same, Only We Change

This is the entry after the entry before this entry entitled almost two months but before the entry before this entry (the relativity of time is so much fun to put into words and I'll leave you to puzzle when this entry was written in comparison to the last five) and it is being uploaded here because I want the end of the world as we know it to be recorded for posterity (and who would the end of the universe be recorded for, I wonder?) just in case it is the last entry on Earth which would put a whole lot of pressure on never making another mistake ever again...

And then I fell asleep and slept for 17 consecutive hours minus one bathroom break and pill taking, I think.

I'll be back to write this when the back feels better and I can sit or stand in one place long enough to focus on putting some thoughts together without constant distraction from the lower spine.

My left leg fell asleep.

More to follow.

Here's part of it:

Sunday I stood at the fields for for the entire time I was there which was from before 8:30am to past 4:40pm because every time I sat for more than a minute I was in pain and I was paced a whole time because every time I stood still for too long I was in pain and while the pain eased a lot when I walked and I probably could have practices, the bending over was just not happening so I did not get on the field. The back up pitcher they picked up surprised me with his versatility and I am more hopeful about the team after this practice. Everyone really tried and I don't know if that was because I was standing on the sidelines watching instead of facing the batter and not seeing what they were doing behind me or if it was because they really want to take the World Series seriously (finally, a week before), but it was the best practice they've had in a long time. For those who showed up. One prima donna showed up late and one pick-up player hasn't shown up to a practice yet. Go figure.

Nagging Back Ache

Stress? The pending World Series? The pending need to settle for just any job right after the series? The concern that I might not be able to do the job for one reason or another? (like standing on my feet for hours at a time as I've tried to do because sitting is killing my back is just tightening my back even more and is that muscles strengthening or simply age saying no more standing for hours at a time and eight hours a day of work is a long time or the last gasp reminder of how important abdominal muscles and a properly aligned spine is in this life?). Perhaps it's the doctor visit I've been putting off to check on various ailments, the most pressing of which being the chronic anal irritation with itching and occasional pain and bleeding after defecation which points to hemorrhoids, probably both internal and external {fissure} but nothing seems to be working this time (Prep-H, Zinc, Vaseline, Baby Powder each tried for at least a few days consecutively separately). So many things are missing from life these days (besides the one, a best friend to call if a nightmare wakes me, a best friend near enough to come over if I can't get out of bed or have an emergency, a best friend to sit around and do absolutely nothing with {without having to drive a half hour or more}, a best friend or any friend to share mindless tv comedy or drama or sports or anything recreational... and then there's income).

Can it really all be so simple and brief?

Standing and typing is distracting because standing in one place hurts the back. Sitting hurts the back and the butt. Could there be some sort of slipped disk? Tumor on the spine? In the abdomen somewhere pressing on the spine? Kidneys? Rectum? Blood pressure? Reaction to the blood pressure medications? This seems to happen when I start dropping weight and tightening my core. I wonder if that puts too much pressure on the organs and if there is more in the abdominal cavity than there ought to be. So here the putting off the doctor visit and check up really needed rises to the conscious distraction.

Not everybody can be Fred Flintstone, ya know?

This is not the upbeat energetic bouncy silly happy warm gun entry I wanted to come back to blogging to write, is it? Quite a bit of distraction from the relaxed babbler going on. So I attempt to sit a bit on the edge of the recliner and see what happens. I need to break the back and but a new chair with lumbar support and sit at a table-like desk more often to give my back some options. I need to do more abdominal exercises. I need a friend who will help me keep this body young and fit and chipper and not made of wooden stuff. I need to do it all by myself cuz nobody is around to motivate or coddle or comfort or inspire.

So many needs, what about desires? We can't always get what we need, you know, but we always do exactly what we want to do. I must want to laze away my days in a semi-lucid daze wasting into atrophy for the rest of this life because the longer I do it the shorter this life becomes.

Gym?

Yes Doctor?

I don't think it can take much more, Captain.

Stop the madness, this is not an episode of Star Trek where some hand held device is going to cure what ails the body.

So today I woke after noon after sleeping more than 17 hours only waking once (that I recall) to empty the bladder. Groggy world out there. Curly came by and we went to dinner at Taco Bell. His choice, I didn't argue. Loneliness makes strange meal-fellows. I had dropped weight last week when I was dying from the back pain and couldn't get out of bed to even think about eating for a day or two. Helen noticed when I met her for Mexican buffet a couple of days ago. I was going to help Curly with an air conditioner job at one of his houses but the tenant there never called him back so it was not done. He headed home and I headed here. I contemplated heading out for more food as I've been craving chocolate lately but instead had some herring in cream sauce and potato salad. That was satisfying. Apparently the border was not salty or fatty enough.

That's what happened and I am sticking to it.

Then, Facebook.

Life.

Narf. :)

Almost Two Months

Yes, as noted on July 6, 2016, in case it matters, it was June 8, 2016 that the last entry was added to the briefer daily blog and June 9, 2016 that the last entry was added to the this blog you are reading. That briefer entry started on that date, July 6, 2016, but another month went by before it was uploaded along with this entry in this blog and a whole lotta other entries in both daily blogs. Remember the two-step? Yeah, so anyway, there are a few missing because they are sort of in-progress, but the flow of words into these two daily blogs that will be here long after I am gone (unless Google does what Diaryland and many other dot-coms have done, cut off access to blogs not updated for a while or worse, disappear and take the many years of words from the heart, soul, and other body parts off the net completely. Oblivion, a sad place for all the effort to share to end up.

We interrupt this blog entry to bring you this important announcement.

No worries, there are many more entries now (in the hours since this entry was uploaded) and many more in the pipe (or draft) awaiting completion and uploading. Yes, as a wise man once wrote, Don't Panic!. Many more entries of hope, wisdom, whining, and madness that could be gone in the blink of an eye, but that will never change the fact that they were here for you if you found them. In fact, today's entry was uploaded yesterday, that's how amazed we all are to be back. Even more amazing is that there are still so many missing in both of these two daily blogs. So stay tuned because the brief synopses and the dirt, drama, and details of this life as I experience it is returning once again as if it was never gone. We now return you to your regularly flowing blog entry in progress.

As if the previous paragraph of important announcement never happened, they (two of the entries linked above, like last month's in the brief blog and this one... or something like that) are sort of companion entries in spite of the vast age difference, but then, what is a month in the span of a lifetime? Agism rears it's ugly head when least expected. Feel free to disregard age and love me anyway any way you like. I'll rock your world, but before we get carried away, as noted in the briefer daily blog, the irony is there was no response to the question in the title so one again it is only fair to ask if we should laugh or cry or waggle our wigs or clamor for more in spite of the silence? (or waggle our wiggles, for that matter). Do you even need the casual reminder that a nod is still as good as a wink to a blind bat, after all the babbling you've read (and if you've not read much here or there (where?) or anywhere, nevermind, you obviously need the all warnings you can get). Nudge Nudge. This is a babbler world, in case it matters.

What you may discover if you were there (just look at all the chances) or if you are here at the moment this blog entry (or that blog entry) is uploaded is a void, that is, no entries since the last one mentioned above to which there was no response (the irony or whatever is in the title of that entry, in case you are not following the laughter or tears or waggles or wiggles or or clamors or nods or winks or nudges or the famous dance moves of father O'Whatsizname {loosely related to Father O'Whatever}, cha cha cha) and nothing ahead for the next month after that one, but this one, who knows. If you arrived the day after this entry (or that entry) was uploaded, you may find a totally different landscape devoid of the void and in a few days, more or less, you will not even notice there was once a large gap in entries between the last one mentioned above and this one or the next, for that matter.

As noted in the briefer entry written today sort of summarizing the return, *Please Note: For the moment, some of the entries are still under review and will likely be edited further even though they are already uploaded. Additionally, none of the entries uploaded tonight (which is about everything since the last entry noted above) have been looked at for form or content so adjustments will certainly be made as time permits. This notice may remain here forever, or as long as this blog exists, even if all of the entries were eventually reviewed. That is the nature of the eternal infinite. Or something like that. For the moment, some of the entries are still under review and will likely be edited further even though they are already uploaded. Additionally, none of the entries uploaded tonight (which about to everything since the last entry noted above) have been looked at for form or content so adjustments will certainly be made as time permits.

The strange, in case it matters, is this one (or that one). The daily life, in case it matters, brief there or elongated into babble here, will fall in place all around this one (and that one) before we know it. I sincerely really do hope you enjoyed the time away, the time here, and the times to come, for your silence did not deter me from my appointed rounds as you can or soon shall see. I still love you. I understand your silence. The communication is always as complete as it needs to be. Remember, if we do not understand our silences, we will not understand our words.

The beauty of it all is that life goes on.

Obla dee and all that jazz.

Tomorrow's Entry (The Back)

As if I can manipulate all time and space with my bare hands (or two fingers, even), this entry summarized what will happen tomorrow because it was written tomorrow and uploaded today, which is already yesterday, simply because the current entry demanded top billing as a lead entry in the return of the King, I mean, blogging babbler (or babbling blogger) who inhabits this particular blog (as opposed to this guy who tries to keep it brief, succinct, and to the point (now without repetition, sometimes). Oh, how much more could be added if we only had the time, energy, and a few billion dollars. But that wasn't the point of this entry written for yesterday, tomorrow. What was the point, anyway?

Oh yeah, the back. As if it might let me forget it is there. The pain of moving the wrong way when standing up or getting out of bed was a 9 out of 10 for the first two days and dropped to a 7 out of ten today and is now a 3 out of ten tonight. I played two games of softball today and was not in good shape the first game as the back needed to work through the pain and stiffness and we lost, though not completely due to my pitching and inability to field gound balls. The second game I settled in and shut down the other team after the second inning and we won. While moving, the pain was minimal most of the time. I ran and swung the bat about half speed and pitched at about 40% the first game and about 80% the second game.

After softball I met Helen for dinner. She treated to a local mexican Buffet. Pretty bland for Mexican food, but good nonetheless. She remarked that I lost weight and it is possible as I ate very little this week and was pretty big the last time she saw me. I am not checking the scales and do not wear clothing that would tll me if I lost inches, so I'll take her word for it. I thin the abdominal muscles have been tight due to the back and the back forces me to stand up straighter which gives an impression of weight loss. We talked for a could of hours and then I headed to Curly's for fun.

A new couple was there tonight, friends of Excel's, and we played a board game for a couple of hours. They left because they had to take their son home and we played bridge after that until after 1am. We talked about hour and a half, played RummiCube, and then we all headed home.

Now didn't you miss this play by play of the broad details of the life as I experience it? Come on, you know it made your night.

Self-mockery, it's all I've got to amuse myself sometimes.

Narf. :)

Mindful

To Be Completed... maybe reference mindful profile and upload mindful profile to profiles blog.

What?

I am not like anyone I've ever met, but then, who is? I have wandered from myself to try to meet people, but always seem to return alone. If you think someone can be too honest, continue on your journey. What makes me happiest is loving, caring, giving, helping, and sharing. It has left me rich inside and without much in this material world, but I love myself and continue the cycle. I've seldom lived alone because I enjoy living with a best friend or partner. I know we are all alone, yet I still seek the shared illusion of being one with another. Ask what you want to know. The answers to the questions below are deceiving as multiple choices usually are.







mindful

site


mag?

what?










huh?


sigh


yup

yup yup


yeah yeah yeah


yeah


and

then

Oh My Aching Back

I took six aspirins. Yes, me who has always rejected pain medication on the grounds that pain is the body's warning signal and masking pain is foolishly ignoring and turning off the warning that further movement can do further damage. There is almost always more rebound pain after the analgesic wears off than there would have been had no analgesic been consumed. Kind of like the rebound of feeling like crap after taking cold medications, especially antihistamines and decongestants. Besides that, NSAIDs are bad for blood pressure.

So taking pain pills, no less three aspirins, is an extremely rare action for me to take. I woke with the most severe pain I've ever known in my lower back. I felt the cramping coming on earlier in the day and wrote about it somewhere, I don't recall where. The written words are becoming more and more scattered in different files that have so many entries not completed, it is a sign of the disorder disorder I seem to be nurturing. It may have been in the last entry that will be uploaded eventually. Feel free to care, ask, come over and give me a back massage, or send millions of dollars in unmarked hundreds. Someone must care enough (I mean, I would, if I had it to give).

The recliner with no lumbar support just aggravated it and after a few hours of sitting (Facebook, no doubt), I hobbled from the chair to the bed and luckily there was a clean sheet at the head of the bed or I'd have rolled on to a bare mattress. The pillows are bare because after spreading the sheet over most of the bed there was no back tolerance left to do any more than roll into the bed. Laying still, I fell asleep.

When I woke the first time, there was severe pain still increasing. Maybe 6 on a scale of 10 and up to 8 when I moved just the wrong way or put initial pressure upon standing. The first few steps were definitely 8 of 10 on the pain scale. I think the only other time I reached 8 in this life was when I passed the first kidney stone and that took 30 hours, two IVs, and Demerol. I struggled for ten minutes getting out of bed and took another ten to get to the bathroom. to the bathroom. I had washed the sheets (finally, lol) yesterday, but could not even imagine walking two more steps to the washer and then bending over (that would be insane) and fluffing out the sheets so they remain in the washer and I'll probably wash them a second time, which is probably very appropriate). I needed both arms supporting my weight to walk.

The second time I woke the pain was so severe when I tried to move, definitely 8.5, I almost did not make it to the bathroom. It took way too long to get back into bed (like twenty minutes) due to the elevation of the bed. I did not eat since yesterday, but could not even think about moving anywhere to get food. Luckily I had a bottle of water at the head of the bed. I just laid still and fell back to sleep. In stillness there is no pain.

The third time I woke I could not move without pain that simply said stop moving now. We reached 9 of 10 for the first time in this life. I fought through and almost fell out of bed trying to get out (which would have been dangerous as the bed is four feet off the floor and the floor is concrete). I semi-stood there with my torso on the bed and my feet just resting on the floor (not providing support because weight on the feet was torture for the back) for ten minutes before I decided I was not going anywhere without finding some pain meds and I luckily found them within reach because I had just unpacked a bunch of boxes this afternoon. I took three aspirins. I held the bladder and leaned there for thirty minutes before I tried moving again. I held myself up with my arms and dragged my feet to the bathroom.

I really did not do any serious lifting, so I am not sure just why the back is acting up.

I walked back leaning on the bed to make it to this chair which is right next to the bed and collapsed back. I took three more aspirins after eating spaghettios (first food in almost 30 hours... from the can without a spoon because I couldn't reach the spoons... the cans are right next to this chair) and then got into writing and uploading entries while the back went slightly numb.

So what did you do tonight? lol, ouch, lol. :)

Sunday Social

So I turned to Harpo today for some Sunday company mostly because he is the only one who'd do anything for me mostly because he is so desperate for approval and love and he gets takes it from anywhere he can (except from the one called god above). I don't know why the rhyme came by this time. I just want to let the words out and figure out what I'm all about especially at this moment when I am feeling the loneliness drawing me in again. So much loneliness, so much hunger to share, so much inside me to give, and no one here. I drove around and he was his usual near-panicky mostly neurotic self. At least we both get some much needed socialization time. He tries so hard to please, I am happy to get him out for a while.

This morning I woke on time for softball practice with the Sunday team after sleeping just two hours or so. I drank a little caffeine and did my best, which was good by all standards except mine, but then, I've got reasons. Early in the scrimmage a ball thrown from third base hit me on the outside left forearm when the second baseman did not catch it. It hit hard enough to bounce far enough out to left field for me to easily take third base, but oh did it hurt. No one seemed to notice and only the left fielder asked me if I was ok. The lack of concern or interest or awareness really typifies the lack of team on this team. That lack of paying attention to their only pitcher getting hurt is sad.

Anyway, the muscle that lifts the lower arm and the funny bone were affected and the hand was numb for an inning or two and the left pinky still tingles more than ten hours later. There is swelling from the upper forearm to the lower bicep to the elbow and making a fist (or closing a softball mitt) and lifting the lower arm (to catch a ball or protect myself from getting hit by a ball) hurts a lot. It'll probably wake me once I fall asleep and that shouldn't be too long from now because I am exhausted.

After softball practice the coaches and one player and a replacement player and the replacement players partner went out to eat. We talked a bit, though nothing serious, and kind of maybe got a little more comfortable. They know how I am getting to Austin, who I am staying with, and that I need to eat cheap and have no guaranteed rides to any of the games and can't afford to pay for transportation. They added one replacement player who can pitch but, sort of, but he brings negativity and baggage. They brought another who only plays first base and he has not shown up to a practice yet. Both are as old as me and both tire much more quickly. They seem happy with their choices and I don't understand the choices or their happiness unless they are just doing favors for senior players and friends. I know we could have done a lot better on talent, speed, stamina, attitude, and consistency of play.

Meanwhile only one of the replacement players have made it to practices and another has made it to one practice and one has not made it to any. It's a strange lack of commitment, interest, and enthusiasm on top of the other limitations that they bring. Another factor is the negativity, distraction, and gossip one of the replacement players and his partner brings to any team he plays for. Anything that happens at practice or at the world series will be broadcast during the season which is not the best situation. We could be in a much better position to win (the other team going is as they picked up a lot more players and made much better choices). I was left out of any of the decisions (maybe if the coaches explained their decisions I'd understand better, but they don't make sense from my perspective), so I'll just ride along doing my best to not get involved and still motivate everyone to do their best, not get distracted, not feed or get drawn into the negativity, and not be brought down by the lack of energy from the replacement players. We will likely be the oldest team that is not a masters (senior) team there.

So all this rambling helps me accept the team I will be leading (as a pitcher leads, not as a coach) through this year's world series. It might not be fun to read for some of the players or for anyone, but then, this blog is sometimes my therapy so accept it or prove even further you don't care. I mean, nobody on my team cared enough to even ask if my getting hit by the ball hurt, no less enough to read my Facebook and find this blog and take the time to read this blog (and if I am wrong about that, feel free to let me know. Finding out when I am wrong helps me learn and I am alive to learn and grow, so caring would be telling me I am wrong in thinking none of the team actually cares much about me personally. That's one thing I'd love to be wrong about.)

Time for sleep. The body is tired and the arm definitely needs sleep time for healing. Hopefully it will be better in the morning. Maybe tomorrow life will bring major changes. At least I hope to make it a good day.

You too :)