Busy Work

Busy work without pay as the unemployment continues. Feeling myself sliding into a sadness tonight in spite of staying very busy. Maybe I will explore it later (in the edge of your seat?). Well, there is a roadblock in my mind and emergency lights trying to blind me, a cacophony of sirens reduce me to rubble, and all I want to do is lay down and give in to giving up but I just don't know how. How's that for a manly depressive mood? Stop laughing, it's not funny lol lam. I am such a lost cause, alas, no wonder nobody understand me or wants to stay close, the madness must scare everyone away. Alone again, naturally.

I do busy work to keep from falling down
I do busy work to placate the clown
it's the busy work that keeps me alive
the distraction that fools me to survive

Laughter is my best friend
I've given up on my fears
No reason to pretend
I've wasted all these years
Laughter is all I need
Worry's a waste of time
Even when I must bleed
as long as the words rhyme
I can laugh at all my fears
and see rainbows through my tears
simple as it seems
amidst broken dreams
this magic appears
whether wise or just insane
it makes sense within my brain
so it is as real as I feel
(no big deal)
I can laugh at all my fears
and see rainbows through my tears

Here, maybe this will help (today's brief {slightly edited, as usual} entry):

A busy day from wake up before sunrise through just getting home after midnight. Writing in the morning (linkage to follow), then off to Tinman's to paint (and buy gifts), then to dinner with Helen (change in car), then to cards with Curly, Excel, and The Commodore (stuffed), and now back to The Maharaja's place (shower?) where he is busy welcoming another guest (new friend?). Turns out she is moving to Orlando, which is a surprise for him and I wonder how that will effect my staying here. They are chatting in the living room. Positive thoughts please (The mind is not cooperating with that request tonight, but it was such a fun day). Fatigue. I just sent out two more job applications tonight as I checked email when I got home and found more opportunities. Received another rejection email. All in all, low on the energy and happy-happy-joy-joy scales (and when both are low, it's a hard knocks life, aye gov'na?... nothing to say, but it's ok... la la la).

Keeping busy, keeping up appearances, fun until I am alone again, naturally.

Tomorrow, tomorrow... hope you are smiling :)

narf :)

I coulda been somebody, yeah, I coulda been a contender. Sometimes I let the music sing to me. Sometimes I let the music speak for me. Sometimes I let the music play off key. Just to see if anyone is listening. Just to see if anyone hears. Just to see if anyone is missing it. Just to see if anyone cares. When that hard rain finally falls. I don't want to be alone. I know I've given my all. Yet I am still on my own. I have no more to give yet I keep giving. I have no will to live yet I keep living. I have no will to care yet I keep caring. I have nothing to share - yet am I shared? Is anyone there, is anyone hearing? Don't let the su-u-un go down on me. Wondering if it's wasted time. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they're here to stay. Someone save my life tonight. Before we get too deep.

What does it mean to be a BFF
I don't think I understand
the word friend is defined so differently
by most people I meet today

You don't want to know (not really), no one wants to know (not really), everyone just get on with your lives without me and no worries for the time being here... no worries for the time being here... it doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, but where do I belong?

Chrorus:
You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Will I die alone tonight?
Lonely are these words I write
Will anyone understand
Will someone take my hand

I feel like I am lost in the mall of life
everyone is rushing so hard so fast
silence can cut through me like a knife
wonder, will a moment ever last?Chrorus:
You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Can you hear my heart beating?
The drum pounds me through the ground
Does no one know where to find me?
Buried in the lost and found
Can you hear the sirens coming?
Moments before I expire
No one left who will remind me
Toss a log upon the fire
celebrate the pyreChrorus:
You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Silence screams out from the darkness
like a cancer calls my name
blinded by this empty feeling
going numb from too much pain
nobody's to blame
I've gone insane
Maybe sing the chorus once again (ha ha ha ha) and so it goes, and so it goes... and now nobody wants to know so now nobody even knows. So sad, sometimes it feels so sad. And it's a sad sad situation. Nobody noticed (or nobody wants to know). That's life. And 'round here, life ain't no bowl of cherries in spite of the buffet life three night in a row.

Can we please stop now?

Meanwhile, the fountain of sorrow plays me to sleep (or is it reggae pasta, mon? and I fight through it to write another line (in case it matters) and while there is so much more to come, I shall pause this entry and leave you with this...

Pon a belly full or pon a belly empty the youths dem starving
Pon a bad day or pon a bad night the youths dem under warning
Rubbing dem eyes fi check delusion inna morning
Dem wonder weh dem at, wonder who dem a, wonder who dem callin
Dem a di future see dem running outta time
Dem want fi find an answer inna crime
Nah wanna be caught up, wanna be set up and rewind
We seek redemption gate fi my generation mind

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonduh where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

Me say everybody come fi get a permission fi demand it
Nobody nah think about if dem absolutely want it
A better man know say whether man know say – love it or despise it
Mostly we will never overstand or recognize it
I'd love to hear dem apology fi bitin'
Every part of me, every bone of me, every single chance I see
Holy pa trouble comin' back and make we sad
Sometimes life gwaan mad

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonduh where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long

And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

I a beg I a beg you to stop every rumor
From you know life you nah speak
Breakaway dem barriers and chase away fears
Burn out every possible pollution or tears
A me say I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

Pon a belly full or pon a belly empty the youths dem starving
Pon a bad day or pon a bad night the youths dem under warning
Rubbing dem eyes fi check delusion inna morning
Dem wonder weh dem at, wonder who dem a, wonder who dem callin
Dem a di future see dem running outta time
Dem want fi find an answer inna crime
Nah wanna be caught up, wanna be set up and rewind
We seek redemption gate fi my generation mind

Nite Nite... Narf :)