Distraction After The Fact 1 (WTF?)

Something that wasn't here before. Not beauty or the beast, but not not either.

After watching an animated piece of shit hosting a Christmas show in which Santa and Jesus do a singing number a la Sinatra and Crosby and among a dozen other bits of creative genius (if you disagree, no worries, the sense of humor is like the universe and not everyone is ready for deep space travel, after all, somebody needs to stay here minding the cows), I watched The 4 Million Child Blow with a 41 year old man's confrontation of the childhood trauma of not being molested by his father ending with him telling Kenny G that he kisses like is father (you had to be there). In between, god appeared after a really bad Rod Stewart concert and told an eight year old with facial stubble from hormone pills that boys don't get periods.


The way it works, you see, is I reach for distraction and swallow a lot of sick crap and poop out something like this. Metaphorically, of course. Pigging out on canned pasta and swiss rolls helps, sometimes. If I survive until morning, I'll celebrate with you if you are still here. Then next week I'll see the colorectal surgeon to get all this sick crap figured out because everybody wants to get their shit together, right?

Then, after queef, we learned the many meanings of mung mung or even The Mung (now we know you went to Oxford because we saw you with that dead girl and you can eat out with your friend but don't go swimming for an hour), but nothing compares to you, ya know?

Remember, some psychologists offer little more than psychological abuse

facts of life on the beach, but it could be just because I want to (though I have no clue what I want to, I just know I want to, maybe). I have no idea what I link sometimes, I just find a link in my scribble pads and include it here as if it has come profound meaning that relates to the topic at hand. Since the topic at hand seems to be random distraction, whatever.

It must have been a challenging summer.

Narf :)

Even Longer

Even longer silence than in the brief daily where I wrote something like this (with much elaboration, extension, side saddling asides, parenthetic meanderings, and whatever, though perhaps not as much as this, in case it matters).

REMINDER TO SELF

(Include the following reminder in my blogs from time to time)

REMINDER TO YOU

Anyone mentioned in my rambling blogs (or anywhere in my online writings) who wishes more privacy that the writing provides (I do change names and withhold some details), please let me know.

If you don't let me know, I will not restrict my babbling any more than I do for anyone because any restriction is sharing less than everything and my ultimate goal in life is to share everything (and actualize being aware of being part of everything).

Only my caring about you and your wanting me to share less will keep me from sharing everything. I am fine with any restriction on my public postings you want - if that is what you want.

I just need to know what you want to be able to give that to you.

Kapish?
(Make sense?)

Hope so. :)

So ok then. Yes, Ok, then.

For the record (even though I do not play the record {or write or sing or compose or record it much} though it does remain available for the time it will be recorded), was likely the title of another entry in this blog and even more likely the title of many entries in many blogs and diaries and journals over the years and definitely was the start of many a writing session and similar to alright or alrighty or alright, then or even alrighty, then it opens the door to let's get serious or at the very least seriously or seriously, now, which is usually a step up (or a set up, depending on perspective... and yes, everything is perspective {or perspective is everything, which is another philosophical superlative we can explore some other time}, but before this turns into something like that, let's figure out what I came here to write and write it, right?)

Cuz I really truly seriously won't give up on you, in case it matters, m'ok? :)

The facts is that the facts continue to include the reality that time keeps on slipping slipping slipping (repeated as necessary, even as nauseam, ad too, even) and we (all and us, us being everyone who ever did or will read this and the specific people who shared moments of this life somewhere along the way and especially the few who came close enough to create permanent bonds {as opposed to bondage}, which gives the drifting away a sense of exponentially greater distance and time and the more keep drifting farther apart it seems), or closer together in some sticky connection of wishes, wannas, and perhaps some guilt and shame for those who indulge in those drugs, again, depending on perspective.

I did mention that so much depends on perspective, after all. In fact, probably everything (depends on perspective), but then, as I also mentioned somewhere, if not here, superlatives are such potential trouble we should leave them for lovers and the mad among us.

So seriously, where did the time go?

Let's calendarize it, if we can...

Tuesday went to work and softball. Yay softball (most of the time). It was the usual pleasant work experience including a couple of productive meetings and improved connections with the powers that be in the county as I venture further into a few projects the other end of the third floor (where the County Manager and her minions and the County Commission hold court in their very comfortable and personalized offices... mine is a small sterile box within a box shared by a file area and a break area for others and storage, alas, but that is so much like life for me that it is comfortable, mostly, as I am so randomly attached and irrelevantly irreverent (or irrevalent, even) about the material world except when some thing connects with some one who matters to me, but that's a just one ore difference between me and most everyone else that provides yet one ore challenge to fit into the cultural milieu).

Then, continuing Tuesday, there was frustrating softball (so rare in recent seasons as I awaken) as a team with excellent place hitters deliberately hit line drives at my head (caught one for an out, ducked under one I should have caught {which increased my frustration}, and knocked down the third for an out when I picked it up and threw to first base). The first hitter apologized, which is good sportsmanship and protocol. The second said nothing because it was purposeful to try to rattle me. The third, after I protested to the umpire, taunted me from the dugout (I stopped the ball and threw to first or the out. Sigh, why wasn't that enough.

What upset me personally is these people were supposed to be friends (I hugged a couple before the game and see them at the fields very often and played with a few on other teams) and it turns out that they wanted to win the championship so badly they didn't care if they hurt me in the process. What frustrated me most was that I gave them what they wanted, I let them get to me and changed my pitching style to protect myself rather than get more aggressive and competitive the way I used to. I can hit where I want to most of the time and can hurt a pitcher if I want to, but I am happy I didn't - now.

During and after the game I was very frustrated that I changed my pitching style to make it easier for them, which is what they wanted and affected by hitting at my head. I was also frustrated with the umpires that they did not caution the team after the first, second, or third ball hit right at my head (usually there is a caution after the first time a ball is hit directly at a pitcher - not an accusatory warning, but a caution to control their hitting if they can - and this team could). Usually, the second ball hit right at a pitcher is a warning and automatic out and the third is an automatic out and ejection and sometimes, in tournaments, a disqualification and loss for the aggressive team.

Anyway, life goes on and I will not be hugging those players again and they know exactly why.

Wednesday went to work and dinner and Jackson, the usual pleasant work with another productive meeting and I so love this job and hope it lasts as long as I can keep working and need income. Then a delicious dinner and as usual, some wonderfully frustrating and rewarding moments with Jackson and this time with more hope and eye contact than usual. Maybe I am finally getting through to her. Or maybe I am just buying her attention once again as I paid for some overdue charges and late fees (for the first time in almost a year, so I have drawn boundary lines and she did not ask and was opposed, but I took charge for a change and did not allow her to say no).

Hopefully she will learn and not fall back into her bad financial habits. Much (much much) more importantly (because money is so meaningless and relative in matters of honest love and trust - even though it destroys most relationships relationships because people live in the illusion that money matters so much more than it does in this delusional unenlightened culture), I hope she and Brandi work through the obstacles that money becomes for them and decide on whether a bank account or financial skills matters more than each other and the love they supposedly share. It is so sadly conditional now, I do not understand why it is not clear that conditional love is wrong. It so rarely ends well.

I really do not understand people and their materialism.

Continuing with this week, Thursday went to work and fun and, well, I'm not sure. Work was a full day training in Traffic Control (MOT Intermediate Training), which was great information for my for my job and beneficial for my relationships with the few dozen county workers in the training with me. After class, which ended 2:30 pm, I pondered what to do and I decided I would eat at the Chinese buffet because my will power waned and blah blah blah whatever other stupid excuses I used to ignore the health and comfort I give up by maintaining the weight and especially with the current infection at the end of my digestive tract that does not seem to be responding to the usually array of treatments I use (recommended by doctors too... I have a Doctor appointment for next Thursday morning and tests scheduled for tomorrow and Monday so I am not neglecting the body, just not doing everything I possibly can to try to fix it - mostly because I do not know if the sacrifices of comfort food would fix it for sure or if the added stress and negative aspects of giving up comfort foods completely would contribute to further ailments).

So anyway, I had some time to wait before the dinner buffet started and I did not want the lunch buffet so I called Harpo and a long conversation with Harpo occupied at least an hour while waiting for the dinner time to start and then I drove to the buffet and it started pouring so I sat in the car waiting for the torrential rain to subside for almost an hour and by then it was almost 6 pm. Dinner was not as good as it is some nights at this usually very good buffet, but still very enjoyable. Alone, as usual. The semi-bloat was acceptable, even if it was not ideal for the digestive issues, and then comes the hmmmm (the ncertain memory time) some writing to J and TV and sleep, perhaps... hmmmm... not bad hmmmm, just some the cloud of hmmmm that comes when memory fogs, usually because sleep comes early... I think I may have spoken to Jackson, or at least texted, and I am not so sure I was as confident that she would not fall back into her same old pattern of self-destructing money mismanagement again. Sigh.

Horse, water, drink... it's all up to the horse.

Than came Friday. Friday went to work and medical appointments for me and banking for Jackson and then dinner at home and TV and impulsive snacks a movie and sleep. I messed up the medical stuff by forgetting an appointment I had and the tests I had to do coming up to the appointment. The doctors send paper reminders and I don't get to the PO Box daily and usually just let paper mail go from my hands to a pile where it sits for weeks or months or ears (there is unopened mail in storage in new York state from the 80s, no doubt, though lately I am much better at throwing out paper mail after some modicum of time).

So anyway (a whole lot of that in this one, isn't there?), I made calls and rescheduled and luckily talked my way into appointments within the same week (pretty special accomplishment considering the doctor is a specialist, a Hematologist at a Cancer Center... that's where his office is and I am seeing him for Anemia and he assured me he sees no sign of cancer in any of my previous test results and this is a to-month follow up visit after my two-day stay at the hospital for a single bout of heat exhaustion that shut down my kidneys and they do take complete renal failure seriously cuz it leads to imminent death or dialysis, but my kidneys restarted immediately after IV fluids started so my bad, just a false alarm for my deteriorating kidneys and I remind myself to take the Florida heat even more seriously again than I already do from now on).

Yeah, so anyway... I closed an account for Jackson which relieved a whole pile of stress she's been dragging around for more than a year - same old habits, alas. She does not seem to want to understand the simple fact that responding to a spark is so way much easier and safer and less grief and less stress and less self-abuse than letting that spark start a fire that burns (in her finances and in her mind and in her gut, physically) for as long as she tries to ignore and avoid thinking about it or taking action to put it out.

Taking action to immediately extinguish a spark or small fire is so much easier than dealing with the inferno that can result in ignoring the first flames.

Friday night and Saturday softball is on hold until next season, so last night and this morning and afternoon was and is lonelier and more or less whatever than usual (and Eb had a dinner guest he did not tell me about last night which cramped my activity a bit and reminded me I do not actually live here but I simply rent a room and this room is my only space for any modicum of freedom or comfort). I did not know the nature of the dinner guest (personal, professional, romantic, friendly, political) and I did not want to dress to walk past them to the bathroom or shower (nd I sure did not want to stink up the place and it is so small and the intake for the air conditioner is right above the bathroom door so poop does stink up the place) and there is no way out of this room except right into the big space which is living room, eating, and kitchen are) and besides all those considerations, I had nowhere I wanted to go outside).

And that brings us to this morning.

All caught up and nowhere to go. I slept well. Today is anything I want it to be and I want it to be quite, restful, and peaceful and so it is so far. The thermostat that was set for 78 degrees yesterday evening (dinner guest temperature I suppose) was back to 83 when I woke so it was once again hot and sticky. After the first few months saving hard, the last few months of casual frivolous and sometimes extravagant spending as not helped bolster the savings account to the point of making it easy for me to find a place to live that will not require extreme changes in my pleasure activities, so I dwell here because it is convenient for work and $550 a month. It should be $350 or less, but that's another story.

Note to self... take the financial aspect of moving into more comfortable space more seriously. Please.

Yeah, so... Later I go to Helen to help her set up new security cameras for her house and then dinner. Not so much later anymore as it is well into the afternoon and I have about enough time to wake the body up, clean up a bit, shower and drive to her house to be there at the time we set, 4 pm.

So (so, so so... like is so so these days... lol at the fun of language), what's up in your world? I know I ramble on too much here for you to respond. I know you have many reasons for not responding. But I miss you and hey, here's a thought - let's catch up someday, m'ok?) :)

Just a reminder - If anyone mentioned in my babbles

PS... for those of us who sometimes forget and have to look it up, like me...

Eminent describes anyone who's famous. Imminent refers to something about to happen. Immanent (with an "a" in there) is inherent, like that good attitude you were born with.

So am I eminent for my immanent need for imminent learning? (sort of)

Evidently.

Narf :)

Quote This

Someday we all will understand...

“Close friends are truly life's treasures. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there every day to guide and support us, to share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone.” ~~ Vincent van Gogh

Sunday At Home

Well, it is as much of a home as I've got at the moment though I feel more at home for cooking and eating at work or anywhere but here... and yet, I was amazed to see this when I got back here last night...


I mean, he cleaned-up.

Yes, that is as cleaned up as I've seen it so far. You can actually see the sink.

There may have been other surprises as well, after all, this entry was started on the date stamped on the entry and not uploaded until a few weeks before the winter solstice, but the recent cleaning was shocking. It stayed in that pile, slowly spreading, for more than a week. There was an ancient treadmill that showed up suddenly as well. That was used twice, then folded up and collects dust behind the couch. While he is not a bedfellow, my roommate is somewhat strange. I suppose I am still stranger, but hey, differently.

Meanwhile, I had respect for James Paterson when Stephen King recommended him because Stephen King is one of my favorite authors of all time and after reading a few of Paterson's books I had more respect, but is In The Mouth of Madness a made for TV movie (it would be a terrible start even if it was just made for TV). The Doctor's facial expressions in the first scenes tell me not to take this story seriously as it is a farce. That face belongs in a Mel Brooks scary movie. Paterson and King are not comedy writers.

I am assuming I had a lot more to say here, but I didn't.

Narf :)

Saturday Continued

If you missed this, you should click here and if you missed this, you should click here and if you missed this, you should click here and maybe most of all, if you missed this, you should click here. Seriously, the fact is that these last four entries are must read if you are reading this blog this moment for this moment, those are the last four entries and those last four entries are as profound as it gets this week. Maybe even this month. Maybe even... seriously. I mean, just look atwhat happened in the brief daily moments ago...

This entry right here in this link thing is deemed too important not to mention again so I shall mention this entry right here in this link thing again and encourage, nay, urge you to click on the link thing and visit (or revisit) it because it is deemed too important not to mention again, or miss, ye too. Yes, but here we are already covering up that entry linked right here with this entry you are reading right now. Unless you clicked on one of the link things and are reading that entry right there in this link thing right now, in which case I'll wait for you to return.

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Are you sufficiently inundated with profundity now? Perhaps you neglected to click on the links within that entry right here in this link thing that is deemed too important not to mention again because the links within that entry right here in this link thing are part of the journey too imporant not to mention again so go ahead, I'll wait.

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Had enough yet?

Well, the fact is there are entries written this week in this blog that are keepers and if you miss them, well, you missed some important puzzle pieces. All brevity aside, it's been a revealing week for some reason and if you want to read more about it, the detailed blog has many unfinished entries waiting for you to read and learn and encourage finishing. I'll just leave these links right here.

Meanwhile, today was another fun Saturday of softball and dinner and conversation and madness. This right here is the brief daily entry you may have come here for.

Narf :)

And that wasn't even the end of it. See for yourself.

I did that just in case you don't read the brief daily entry and you wanted to see what you were missing. Everything after the Meanwhile above is a typical brief daily entry, in case it matters. Then, we come here for the dirt, drama, and details (and all that other stuff noted in the parenthetic subtitle above).

Well, there is an entry awaiting completion, in fact, there are four entries (in case you haven't heard) awaiting some form of completion or announcement or fanfare and especially your eyes and mind, but here we are already starting yet another... are we having fun yet?

I believe we left off heading out to softball. On the way o the field I stopped at a CVS for some gatorade and after ten minutes in line the cashier (who ranks with the slowest cashiers ever in the history of the world) made a mistake and had to call for the manager. After a few minutes of no manager, I put the two gatorades on the counter and said I could not wait. She said "sir, I'll be with you in a minute" in a perturbed voice. I said, "I have a game to get to and I don't have time to wait." I had fifteen minutes left to get to the field. With no convenience stores o the way, I stopped at a small Walmart and there the lines were long so I did without gatorade. I had lots of water.

The Saturday softball team played very poorly and gave away a game we should have won. The team that beat us went on to win the trophy in the championship game, 4-0. Inexperience and thick-headedness and ego got in our way. We lost to them 11-7. Two runs were earned runs and those were questionable. Too many errors to count and some really bonehead decisions at home plate by most of the batters. They just don't listen and the coach got so fed up he didn't even show up this season. The team is breaking up according to the guy coach left in charge (who broke his wrist in the first game) and they are looking to put together a new team and I told them I would pitch for them but I'd appreciate it if they would listen and learn and practice so they stop making the same fundamental mistakes like outfielders not hitting cut-offs and batters swinging at 3-1 counts and not listening to base coaches and watching the ball while running the bases and rushing plays as fielders and other fundamental mistakes that give up runs and make easy outs. He said they would. We shall see.

I watched the other playoff game and then watched the championship game. A girl fainted from the heat during the championship game (I've mentioned hot hot and dry those fields get... I drank 100 ounces of water in an hour and felt good) and I gave her a water and her friends called 911 and I knew some of the FF paramedics and the others introduced themselves to me. I apparently hold an important job in this county lol. The girl was able to walk to the stretcher but they took her to the hospital because her vitals were a bit off. Those fields are dangerously hot and dry.

As the last out of the championship game was caught the lightning siren went off (amazingly eerie timing) and rains came a few minutes later. I headed toward the place I was meeting Helen for dinner. On the way I got gas and ate a small salad because I had not eaten all day and dinner was an hour and a half away and was going to be all fried food at a fish fry place.

Bang bang Shrimp was delicious, though not very bang at all. Lobster roll was good if I forget what northern lobster rolls taste like and the crab cake was just ok. A small side of sweet potato fries and cole slaw and an extra side of onion petals. Those were very good. It is one of the best fish fry places around and unfortunately, not longer cheap. $38 bucks. What was that about cutting back on spending?

We sat and chatted outside the place (they have outdoor tables and the weather cooled after the rains) and then as the rains started returning we headed out. I wandered. I stopped at a local chicken place I wanted to try and got two pieces of chicken that I ate in a Burger King parking lot. Not bad, but I won't be back. I stopped at a KFC for four more pieces of chicken that I ate in a 7-11 parking lot. I stopped into the 7-11 for a case of water. Then, fully bloated, I headed back here.

I was startled when I walked in to this place because it was actually tidy. The couches were cleared. The dining room table was almost cleared. The kitchen counters were, well, I didn't look close. The floor was almost cleared. After praising Eb, who was sitting at his computer in his usual pose when he is not sitting in his old chair watching TV, I opened my bedroom door and stumbled over the vacuum cleaner that Eb left one foot into my room. He is a strange fellow. I moved the vacuum cleaner outside my door and will likely stumble over it when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I almost hope that wakes him. I wonder if he understands why.

So that was Saturday and here we are. Just like old times, the babbler is babbling, but now bored with the mundane details of the day and seeking distraction from the lack of companionship, meaningful conversation, intimate sharing, caring, and so on before it all leads to loneliness and lament and woe is me and all that jazz. I showered and I sit here nude with the fan blowing on me because the 81 degree thermostat (yes, he lowered it) was still warm for me after being out all day and taking a hot shower and eating so much food. After the time it took to write all this (and the brief entry too), I feel much cooler. Almost comfortable.

This is the first Saturday I am back here early. I look wide-eyed at the screen wondering what I am going to write next.

what did you think I would do at this moment...
what?

hello it's me
what?

maybe I think too much... maybe, maybe I'm wrong...
what?

all I ever needed was the one
and honesty
such a lonely word

is anybody out there?
hello?

I feel so shallow
I feel so empty
I feel so lonely
I feel so much
no one to share it
I grin and bear it
friends once friends are now
so out of touch

I can be happy sitting here alone writing these words
I can amuse myself in so many different ways
I can give up on love and meaningful companionship
but is that the right thing to do?
what would you say if I asked you?

I can be content watching other people acting life
I can be amused with the way the music plays
I can give everything and be happy with the giving
but is that the right thing to do?
what would you say if I asked you?

There was a time when I was in love with someone else
There was a time when someone was in love with me
There was a time when happily ever after was not just in books on the shelf
But now I wonder what's reality?

There was a time I did not live alone
There was a time I was not on my own
There was a time I could pick up the phone
in the middle of the night
now that does not seem right

Now I don't live alone yet I've never felt so alone
I feel like I'm living in some sort of twilight zone
I never thought I'd live this long to be on my own
with still so much inside to share
with still so much wanting to care

hello
hello
hello
is anybody out there
can anybody hear me call
does anybody care at all

Well there is the start of a rock opera for the ages about the human condition in these modern times. Charlie Chaplin would be proud. Dan Fogelberg and Patti Dahlstrom can speak for themselves. They are both pink with a touch of moody blues. Who? I'm free. What?

Harry Chapin Billy Joel Elton John and Bernie Taupin John Denver Led Zeppelin Melissa Etheridge and The Who Beatles Beegees Beach Boys Sedaka ad Manilow Duane and Eric Rolling Stones Moody Blues and Pink Floyd too. We didn't start the fire...

Narf :)

Unfinished Entry Number Gazillion and Four

That is right, and wrong, but right in the sense that exaggeration is acceptable when making a literary (or almost any) point, especially among friends (and we are friends if you stick around here and enjoy any of this babbling, even if you never acknowledge it, cuz that's the way it works... just ask Seth McFarland) and the point is, or just may be, that this is one of many many many and many more manys (yeah, who has time to figure out the plural for many, right?) unfinished entries in the (at least so far) seven billion decade event that has been loosely called this life I loosely call mine (which may or may not have anything to do with this seemingly innocuous aside) and no, I am not stealing any sort of flashback model or gimmick because my parenthetic asides were happening long before any input was entered into the cranial capacitors between the ears I loosely call mine.

I give you this...
Never Ending Ending

Isn't that what what life is, in fact, even more than a never ending beginning? Anyway, even if I did not get to else in the last babbling daily (which might be considered profound in some circles at some point in time in the near or distant future or past {I mean, can you imagine ants pondering such thoughts?}, but that is not even close to brevity so out, dang parentheses, and carry on daily).

Yes, stolen from the brief daily blog I loosely call mine, I present this paragraph (as opposed to these paragraphs, I suppose... and isn't that what life is, in fact, supposition?... hey wait a minute, I though it was a never ending ending... anyway, even if I did not get to... hey wait a minute, am I repeating myself within a parentheses within a blog entry within a blog entry or something like that?... did you know that or something like that was a clever way of accepting and somewhat obscuring {or selling, even} a point that may or may not have any credibility if explored in any depth?... it may also more poignantly be a way of saying dig into the previous points because much profound passion and promises of greater understanding of life, the universe, and everything may be found there if you dare venture in without fear and then again, it could just be more fodder for fools... what was the point we were getting to anyway?).

What paragraph?

What point?

What what?

What?

And now, I present this...

What?... oh yes, today started early because last night ended early because fatigue of the week and a big bowl of pasta along with some more Family Guy (oh, ummm, do I have to credit or pay Seth McFarland now that I mentioned his show, not to mention his name twice, in this sentry?) teamed up to bring slumbers. Writing was first thing on the agenda, yay, so maybe I did not need to completely define the else after all... at least not yet. The else paragraph along with many links was inserted into (is this more details than brevity allows?), well, you know where... and a long letter to J occupied much brain resources and then a shower cleansed the body and here we are, all squeaky clean and updating this daily life blog.

Yesterday was a good work day, as most are, as I might say in a previous entry that I might write sometime later. Softball is on the near horizon, then dinner is likely, then who knows. Fun, no doubt. May your life be fun of satisfaction, adventure, and fun too.

Again, stolen from (oh no, let's not start all that again... whatever it was). Parenthetic additions aside, the presented brief daily blog is the jump off point for this entry which shall continue when I have time later and perhaps even other laters (who has time to figure out the plural of later) at some other time coordinates and the anticipatory excitement is abounding, in case you were wondering or have any interest or it matters, get it, in case it matters?).

So whatever this entry is finished, I'll let you know.

Until then, read this...

Nar

Does Anybody Pay Attention?

It is Dirt, Drama, and Details (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more)... you see?... Dirt, Drama, and Details (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more)... I mean, does anybody get it? (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more). Doesn't anybody care how vital his is to my peace and happiness and sanity?

In case you were wondering who I am writing that first paragraph to, of course it is to the multiverses and posterity, but for the moment it was a slap to my own head to try to get the multiplicitous facets of me (all those wondrous voices, ya know?) on the same page with this one point of action - keep writing and uploading and doing this thing we do to attempt sharing caring or else (else being the end of everything, ego aside, as I know it)... I mean, does anybody pay attention ? ? ? (such inappropriate Douglas Adams style laughter rushes through this moment... in case you wondered... in case it matters... in case you understand... anyone?... ahhh... of course the world is round... and still it turns me on).

It's all just fragments of momentary brilliance fading in the blink of an eye.

Oh yeah, sure, here I am feeling alone and unloved once again. I mean, just because I am alone and unloved. Not completely, I mean, I have a few people who care about me - a couple who actually reach out and take some caring actions too. There's J who writes almost every day (responding almost always the same day) and there's Helen who has called and made sure I got out socially because she cares. That's pretty much it though. Everyone else just doesn't have time for real caring.

So a spider crawls up my ass and another sits on my pillow and who cares, right?

I am just so freaking tired of being alone and poor tonight. Living in a clean space with my stuff out of storage would probably not even help much, though I'd likely sleep better. I remember the days (actually, nights) felt so comfortable in my living space that I would sleep nude. Days before the dang blood pressure medication so I could sleep through the night. Oh, am I going to mourn my youth and whine about aging in this human body?

It's not all just dust in the wind, ya know?

All this because a spider crawled up my... yeah, dang spider.

If you need a place to go
you know you're welcome here
if there's no where else to go
you know you can come here
if you need a place so sleep
if you have secrets to keep
if you find yourself in way too deep
you know you are safe here

I wish I had a more comfortable place
but whether I have a dirt floor or plush luxury
you'll always have a safe place next to me
wherever I may be, wherever I may be
you'll always have a place with me
because you are my family
Now what? You know. You've got to be quick to catch a blink of an eye, after all. If you don't know, then you don't know this life I loosely call mine... or me (maybe). Yup, now if only my family would have loved as unconditionally and generously as I do.

And then, sleep...

Pleaae no spider bites.

Narf. :}

Slipping Away, Like the Earth's Magnetic Field

Ok, so the plan to eat nothing tonight did not work. So I ate some canned spinach and it passed through my digestive tract life whatever greased lightning may be... it hurt the butt... so that should have been enough to convince me that i should not eat any more but noooooo, I did... i told my co-workers that i would only eat veggies tonight because i had two big pieces of birthday cake (it was my boss's birthday) and four packs of oatmeal for breakfast so i wanted low calories for the evening. So after evacuating my digestive tract, i ate two packages of some chick pea marsala in a bag without cooking it and halfway through the second bag i noticed the expiration date was two full years ago... so far i have not exploded.

I am watching Oceans Rising, a movie that exlores the possibility of the weakening and ultimately loss of the magnetic field protection due to the natural reversal of the fields (the numbers don't lie, they just confuse us with their size). Unfortunately, really bad writing and even worse acting makes it almist painful to watch, but we must watch.

tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic

tic
That is either a countdown until the end of our lives and life on Earth as we know it (just another mass extinction event) or the end of a really bad movie lol... you can decide.

Well, the movie is over and I still have not exploded.

The last entry was more meaningful.

Still more to come....

Narf :)

A Life In Words

Not the right place for this, but it is real and happening today so..

I live a life in words
for words are where I can release
anything and everything
and in the end I can find peace

I love the life in words
for words give me the time to feel
and express myself and more
everything becomes more real

in words

There is time for fantasy
and for creative play
There is time for agony
and ecstasy and come what may
the life I live in words is fun
there's no cause for alarm
I may not always make my point
with clarity or charm
but I still mean no harm
always mean no harm

I live a life in words
whenever I have time to write
most often when I'm alone
in peaceful silences of night

I love this life in words
for words help me to understand
everything and anything
no matter what may have been planned

The highest highs
the lowest lows
this life has brought so many

Without the words
to help me up
I might be stuck under penny

Sometimes you may read tragedy
both real and in my mind
but in the end the wonder of
this universe is what I find

in this life in words
understanding comes
peace and happiness
follow...

without this life in words
I might just be numb
just an empty shell
hollow...

So I love this life in words
it brings me clarity
enhances everything
in reality

I live this life in words
and you can come along
write your own for yourself
and then join in this song

and once again, more to follow...

Slipped In Here

I am slipping this one in here because I skipped this date and would rather the next entry stay afloat as the entry entry for this blog at east another day, I think. It seems I am leaving entries unfinished with greater regularity than usual the last few days which is an obvious sign of something but I don't have time to finish this thought either. Sleep must come at 2am if I am to challenge this body to play softball in tomorrow's heat at one of the hottest driest fields in town for as many hours as I deem safe.

Probably not a wise move, but we shall see how I feel in the morning.

Anyway, as I was saying in tomorrow night's brief entry (which will appear to be two nights from now due to the datestamp, but don't let that confuse you... it's all part of the plan and the grand scheme of things and the maze and all, in case it matters if you know what I mean) it sure would be nice to be able to say that I am home again but then I would have to feel it and I definitely do not feel home again so I am here again and in reality I have not been home in a long long time (maybe Linda would understand). Deep? Profound? Maybe. Whatever. It is what it is. Good day though.

Whatever I did this morning included a lot of writing like this (which might be a personal anthem or at least an autobiographical number in the musical of this life as I know it) and messages to people on the roommate site (maybe I'll upload and link them) who were not even prospective roommates for me and a letter to J and more cuz it was a wonderful morning inside my head and I just felt like sharing it with anyone in any sort of contact (not Jackson, which is a sad choice she's making, but it is what it is and she'll only hear from me when she's at work and only see me when Brandi is out of town and if she thinks she is in a healthy relationship with those sort of limits, well, we can disagree and still be family if she really wants to be... my door is always open, even if everything flows mostly just one way, her choice).

What I was getting at is that nobody who looks me in the eye in this life talks about writing - or reading, even, no less creative writing, therapy writing, or correspondence of any kind. Is it illiteracy or fear of intimacy or something else, I don't know and I'm not even sure I'm asking. All I know is I love to write, I love to communicate through the written word, and I love the hopefulness I had this morning.

The afternoon was filled with a few hours of softball (in the extreme heat again... on that dry field in that dry park again... I survived, but it is definitely not as much fun playing in those conditions). We won. I toyed with very inexperienced batters and did my best to help them get hits and score runs by lobbing pitches without spin and no fielding my position at all and after walking twice, deliberately grounding into a double play my third time up and deliberately striking out my fourth time up. We won something like 17-8 even with e doing everything I could to help the other team. Some match-ups are like that. The other team really seemed to feel great. They turned their first double play of the season and were hooting and cheering about that. It is a recovery league and the point of the league is to bring people with addiction issues together for comradery and physical activity and teamwork and mutual support so the last thing I want to do is demoralize anyone. Some of the more competitive players in the league (and on my team) were puzzles and do not like it when i do that, but they do not understand the league concept or why they gather in a prayer circle before and after every game.

Hopefully they will progress in their growth and treatment (a prerequisite for the league is all players must either be in a treatment program or have been in one or have worked in one) and learn when good sportsmanship matters more than dominating others just because you can.

After softball I picked up Helen for dinner (outstanding once again) at the new favorite buffet, the Japanese buffet. All you can eat and all top shelf well prepared cuisine. I feel certain I will ramble on more about the place as time goes by when I am not so sleepy. Helen and I chatted a while after I drove her to her house and and then I headed to Sarducci's for a party in honor of three friends with birthdays this month.

All in all I had a very fun willed day and evening and night tomorrow.

Hope you had fun today too :)

Narf :)

Still Learning (Cuz I Forget A Lot)

Yeah, that's right I meant I meant this blog was expanded slightly, in case that matters (you did come here by clicking o the link that brought you here, right?

This entry will be continued too..

Narf :)

In Case It Matters

In case it matters, this is where I was for the past couple of hours and yes, maybe it should have gone elsewhere, but I am using this blog for most, if not all letters to friends, to strangers, and introductions and the lack of definition (or clear delineation) between that and this and other blogs intended to be reflective of who I am in some way continues to move further from clarity rather than the intended direction.

Sleep must happen, so this is left here - to be continued...