Even More Nothing

There was a time, oh wait, that was yesterday, but that's another story that could possible be telling and we've left that one unfinished for a long, long, time. I was lost in emories for a while, but never so much as I used to be, for the memory of memories are not what they used to be.

Whatever is real, th best we can hope for is consistency over time and if we can get that, we might finally accept that this life is temporary and stop being afraid to live in the moments, whenever the moment may be. Everything can be alright if we just empower love more than we empower fear. The last line is the most important truth you ever need in this life.

So, continuing the passage of time through space, at least through cyberspace, as we were before The X-Files distracted us, the afterblog is an extension of the blogging into the realm of the space between sleep and awake, you know, where you still remember dreaming. Or something like that. Through the years, the missing pieces of life, the desires unfulfilled, all poured into the babbling. It happens less these days, but it can't be gone, because if it was gone, I wouldn't be here any more (why else would I stay?). Love is the answer, and I know that, for sure. Love is everything. Love is... After all the lonely days (and nights) and endless distractions (did I mention distractions?), the hunger to share love, to actualize love, remains.

Oh, the drama, lol.

So what I do when the madness of the unrequited loves of the dreams of the heart and what it wants, I eat (which I must slow down) and I babble (used to be a lot more babbling going on, but hopes wanes, apathy grows, and creativity suffers... still, babbling is a lot healthier than eating too much every day and eating is my primary sensual pleasure and emotional high... and has been for far too long to be healthy, but we'll harang my bad habits another time and indulge one of my good habits {the babbling| now, m'ok?) and sometimes, I create a new blo (boink!) and all is right with the universe for a moment or few. Narf! is a wonderful release.

Yeah, so new paths in the written gardens are opened a few times a year when the weather is just right in my brain cells. That is one of the healthiest ways I cope with the pains and numb that comes from all the traumas and blah blah blah, just look at the recent past in retrograde for just a dog gone minute or few hours (thank you if you care that much). There are so many links linking so many entries and blogs and internet places and if you are into music you might enjoy all the references (and those reach well beyond music into popular and obscure culture and trivia) but to put it bluntly, shit's getting serious in this solitary personal like due to neglect of this body leading to serious health issues, so wake up little Susie, please?

Sometimes I just figure I might as well just give up the ghost on the hope that I will find true love in this life, but then I find myself awake as a new day begins and I open my eyes and realize I can keep very busy having fun with friends anf without true love (never give up, never surrender!) and I do not have to give up, even when it seems very dark inside and outside.

There are paths without and without to peace and happiness and better days. I just need to keep swimming, keep hoping, keep searching, and remain open to the possibilities. Even medically, there is still hope. So I play silly omputer games while the TV stays on in the background and if I am lucky and wise and care enough, I won't go stark raving mad (whatever that is) and the nothingness that eventually consumes everything may give me just enough of a chance to dance at my wedding (figuratively) and fll in love again (oh gee, just look at the time {squirrel?} and remembering I am not as alone as I sometimes feel, I cal relate and continue pouring myself into the opinions and complaints as I am reborn each time I open my eyes if I only remember... even remembering nothing can be profound.

Narf :)






















Hope and procrastination. I have not picked up the new BP meds but they are ready according to a text I received from the pharmacy. I have not found that trigger point of change just yet as I indulge my taste buds on the decadence I have in the freezer and fridge and room. I must challenge myself to find ways to package healthier food in this cesspool of germs and fungus and whatever. I must also de-clutter and stop the slide into depressive apathy.

It usually happens, hopefully it will continues to happen (the stop, the point of change, the turn-around). I've just never been so buried in loneliness and helplessness as I am these days. I even articulate it when challenges. I've become fully human in almost all it's worst conditions.

Still, I write. And eat (no loss of appetite is a good sign, the books say). And live and long for love. Even if hope, the liquid of survival and happiness, is a dry river bed in the middle of a dessert.

Serious disappointment this weekend definitely does not help.

Life goes on... and so shall I.

I invited you to the blog family blog again. That's a clear sign of hope. I invited Mikey too. Pernickety wake the blog up and inspired some deep casual introspection as I commented (which turned into a blog entry in the details daily). As long as the writing continues, the river is not beyond coming back to life :)

Hope is the smile :)

Hope you are ok this weekend.