This is what I do. I put the words online hoping someone will care to read and maybe find someone worth in the words and maybe share some positivity. Ultimately (or at least firstly) though, I write to myself. And the one who wants to read, whomever she (or he) might be. I laugh as ego goes off in hopes that millions will want to read and cheer as they feel wonder and excitement and all the good feelings that words can inspire. But I don’t really believe I have that sort of gift with words. I’d like to think I amuse at least a few people as much as I amuse myself sometimes.
If that's possible.
I've said it before in so many ways and here I will say it again... writing has maintained my sanity in this cruel in crazy world where confusion and fear dominate. Writing is my way of staying in touch with myself and understanding when I am feeling. Especially when I am feeling sad or lonely or both, writing gives me a way of feeling less alone. Partly because once the words are readable they are as if someone else writing who is sharing with me. Partly because once the words are out here there is hope that someone outside my head will share with me. I smile as I think of someone who might understand this.
Jackson forwarded me an email she got at work earlier today and I just found it in my email and I wish I could cheer her in person about it. She is a therapist at a local university and at this university, like at many, they send surveys to students graduating asking them various questions about how the university affected their lives. One of the questions that is often not answered because it can be very personal asks the student to name a specific person who affected them and made their life better. Four students named my friend and little sister Jackson. That’s pretty astounding.
So I am beaming with pride and admiration for her recognition as the person I see her as. When she follows through on her intentions, her caring is so genuine that it does affect people in amazing ways. If only she remembered that when she feels less than confident.
Of course I should be sleeping, but once again I lay here well past midnight (well past 4 AM, even) after playing the video game on the phone for couple of hours after sitting in writing for a couple of hours with the TV on and has a distraction. Pinky in the Brain, the Animaniacs, Family Guy, those with my friends tonight. The TV plays in the background as I write just to keep myself company and think and this sometimes give me a little inspiration and humor or the occasional serious thought. The best serious thought is questioned by humor. Cushioned by humor too.
At least this is a short week. Tomorrow I may leave work a little early and start the four day weekend off with a good nights sleep LOL. More likely I’ll drink another cup of coffee and be buzzing again. Last two days I’ve had 2 cups of coffee. Those are the first 2 cups in a long long time.
Yeas, actually now that I think about it more seriously, the past two days I had 2 cups of coffee which or two more cups of coffee that I’ve had in at least a couple of months. Maybe I had one in the past couple of months. Maybe. I don’t consume any caffeine other than some chocolate these days. These days. And most of the chocolate is in the light protein drinks I drink. The change in diet this year has been very effective on many levels, especially my health. Increased exercise is helping, however much more increase in exercise would be much much better. I hope to get to that next day after I get a good night's sleep. I keep saying that like it's going to happen. LOL. Yeah I should not be laughing but I’m in a good mood.
I am usually in a good mood when I’m writing even when I’m not laughing or showing it overtly. The writing itself puts me in a good mood most of the time. My sense of humor can be very subtle I suppose, which is why most people don’t seem to get me. It’s been that way since I was very young.
Yes, there’s much to be said about language of love.
So anyway, there must be three or 400 entries piling up in these emails. They are almost 20 emails, most longer than this one, that I have not even opened no less cut and pasted into a file. Even more than that amount that I already I have cut and pasted into a file that I have not yet edited them uploaded.
So many words, so little time.
And less interest.
Narf :)
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