So Lonesome I Could...

Sometimes, it’s been rare, but today is one of those days. The whippoorwills, if you recall. So lonesome I could cry. Die? Not yet. Though I must ask myself... where are those tears that are usually falling from my eyes? Obviously not feeling, but hopefully not quite dead yet. I’m quite used to being alone in this life, always have been since my first memories. The combination of changes and challenges piling on in recent years and most especially in the past week or so have me simply wanting someone to care. Someone to listen. Someone to share. And I must face the cold hard truth, the realization that I don’t have anyone in my life who is willing to do that. That is the sadness.

My independence doesn’t let this feeling get too awful, but it's gosh darn near awful at the moment. Even without feeling it all. I have not allowed myself to e emotionally vulnerable in a very long time. I wonder if I ever will again. It has never gone well when I have. Too many needy people, greedy people, insecure people, users and abusers. Where is the one that I can depend on?

I really don’t need anything for anybody outside of myself. But every now and then, like right about now, I want someone to share so much that was realizing I have no one to care about me hurts.

I texted three longs text to Jackson she said "sorry". Woman of few words (one word, many emoji's and image-memes). I asked her how she was doing she didn’t respond. I was just looking for some human contact, some distraction in conversation, something to show me that all the years I’ve lived and given to people left some impression that matters.

I was supposed to go to dinner with Helen, but she is having some challenges herself so she cancelled. That’s actually perfect, because the last thing I need to do to this body is put more food in it today. She called, so at least I had a voice on a phone, but she doesn’t listen well too often. She told me about her challenges and then sort of listening to mine a little, but didn’t have time to talk.

It is not easy to face the fact that that if I died right now no one would notice.

I am tired of always being the one who initiates sharing/caring.

This stupid self pity party is no fun today.

No one wants to spend time with me and it’s been that way for a while. I have not had someone who simply want to spend a day with me in many years. Definitely doesn’t do much for self-worth.

Still, I can find a way to have some fun even if it's just playing a video game in bed by myself. The child learned to amuse me at a very early age and that's kept me happy throughout this life. Lonely, but happy.

Still, loneliness can damen my happiness so I drowned my sorrows in yesterday's pizza and let the chips fall where they may.

Or something like that.

Your move.

Narf :)