Timing (Stop Complaining, Part Two)

Timing may not be everything, but it's certainly a lot...

This entry (now early morning after a nap) began with an assessment of my currently living environment and from my perspective, based on the peaceful easy happy feeling I fell asleep with, it was the clearest most accurate most positive assessment yet (which suggests accuracy in reality as instinct does not allow happiness and peaceful easy feelings when it doesn't reach honest clarity and satisfaction. Accepting compromise, or at lease acknowledging reality and finding patience to be satisfied with changes and patience with someone not making changes fast enough but believing they still intend to follow through on the words they say, is the best we can do in this life if we want to share time and space with others.

Some call it taking stock. All in all, living out of boxes is not what I was looking for, but the space is so much better than the cramped, cluttered, dirty space at Eb's, so I should not be complaining...

and then...

As if this night began with an intent to assess and clarify every little thing in the current living environment and TA was reading and wanted to point out one item I did not pay much attention to, the one deal-breaker that had me skipping listing after listing n the roommate site and will turn me around about living here (until he clears space and can stop living out of boxes, I am not moved in, after all),this happened.

So I nodded off in my recliner a few hours back. I should be able to do that in my home in my living room, right? Well, wake up to the smell of cigarette smoke and the sound of TV and TA sitting in his chair a few feet away watching TV at 5:30 AM on Sunday morning. I've kind of gotten used to him being here regularly as he's sat on his couch watching the big TV in his living room once since I've been here... Maybe it's being social more than marking territory, but it's odd that he said this would be my side of the house when he hasn't let me move into it yet, but anyway, the cigarette smoke woke me u and prompted this part two entry).

I asked if he smoked in the house and he said no, on the front porch because it is raining. My bedroom is 18 inches from the from porch, so it's as if he smoked in my bedroom. I was half asleep and planning on moving fro the recliner to bed, but came here instead because I don't want to know if my bedroom smells of smoke. I sprayed Fabreeze, sat down, and I told him I refuse to live with smoking and that's why it took me so long to say yes to a roommate on the roommate website. If I read in his profile that he was a smoker or even that outside smoking ok, I'd have not responded.

His kids have a really bad cold, strep throat and deep hacking cough. They just went out into the cold rainy morning. Maybe they are going to breakfast. He can smoke out there, so that may have influenced the decision to go out, but she stayed home from school Friday and is a lot worse today, so going out in shorts... She was in short shorts and a light jacket. Let it be. I feel my body resisting the germs as my nose has been running more than usual and I feel a tickle in my throat. Of course that could be aggravated by the Fabreeze I sprayed. I sprayed a lot. The recliner was damp with it when I finished. his chair is probably damp too.

Maybe he went out to get her medicine, I asked if she was taking an expectorant because the cough seems to be deeper. He said he usually goes with suppressants because she doesn't like the taste of the flavors of the expectorants. He really tries hard to be a good dad and except for the lack of boundaries that may be creating over-dependency that will influence her expectations for future relationships (will anyone allow so much physical clinging, control, and as daddy? Will anyone ever be so devoted?). He may need the physical comfort of constant clinging and sleeping together as much as she does. Everybody has their own definition of relationships and their own boundaries, so again, let it be. Not my business or decision.

The air I breath, however, is very much my decision and I will make my own boundaries there.

The unpacking will stop immediately and search for another place begins again.

No complaining, just assessing reality and taking care of myself.

I will not accept breathing second hand smoke.

Some compromises will not be accepted.

Sad, but gotta deal with reality.

Maybe he heard me.

Narf.

Stop Complaining

Yes, that's me to me. TA and his kids are quiet, mostly, and polite and really a good respectful family. The kid has serious separation issues and comes running to physically cling to TA whenever we have a conversation, but she is just marking her territory and she peaks out at me to see my reaction. I sense shyness and insecurity and neediness to assert herself for attention. I can't be easy for TA, as he has little to no freedom of movement or interaction with her here. But he gives her all the patient attention she needs and I've not heard him raise his voice once. Baseline in family interaction is very respectful without conflict so there must be a love of kind and positive interaction in the family history.

As for my interactions, I don't think TA is doing anything on purpose to not make me feel welcome, I think it's just absent-mindedness, procrastination, and laziness. Hopefully there is no subconscious resistance to sharing the space going on in him. He mentioned getting a box for the crystal glassware that does not get used that occupies a full kitchen cabinet. My kitchen stuff remains on the counter and in boxes in the kitchen and front living room (the one he said would be mine) waiting for him to make the space he wants to share in the kitchen. He doesn't share kitchen space well at all, not fridge or anywhere, but I don't sense it's on purpose. I will have to figure out how to identify my stuff if we stop living together. Pictures, perhaps.

The sink is full of dishes again. He just emptied it and loaded the dishwasher this afternoon, but I suppose three people make a lot of dishes. The sink has two basins and I've cleared out one basin repeatedly since I've been here because I need to fill my Brita pitcher daily and also wash my dish and cookware (usually there is not much more than a couple of pieces) immediately after cooking and eating or I let it soak in soapy water, but I seldom put two meals worth of dishes in a sink and never without the rinse and soak, This is not their habit and the dishes have no been coming out of the cheap dishwater clean. I'm not sure they are getting the message to leave one sink basic clear, but I'll ask if they don't. YA said they get ants n the kitchen and I see why, dirty dishes piled up and crumbs and food left on the counters after cooking will attracted insects. It is very common in Florida if you don't do the things you need to do to not give the insects a comfortable home.

He did move the couch out of the living room, but his TV and primary living room chair remains in this room and he's usually sitting in it watching something when I get home. He works at home from it some days as well. My TV sits on the floor next to the table holding his TV and I am getting the feeling he's not moving his TV, even though it will not allows my CBS All Access to play on it, which is concerning since I am paying for it. I may have to simply set up and table and hooked up my TV next to his to watch the channel I pay for.

A sudden blast of cigarette smell waifed through the house as he came in fro the patio. That will get me to say something if it continues happening. It will get me to look for another place if it doesn't stop. It is not too often, but it's chilly outside tonight and he ran out of e-cigarette stuff, so he's poisoning himself and his kids with tobacco this week. I sprayed some Fabreeze air freshener in my side of the house and this helps the nose, but not the lungs.

After eating a bowl of pistachio nuts, I headed out to Walmart before it closed at midnight and picked up Cashew Milk, Pineapple Orange Banana Juice, Fudge Sticks, and Fudge Topping. The Cookies and Topping and Juice will wait foo tomorrow, but the Cashew Milk and I had a party tonight with the pistachio nuts. As if my pigging out with Helen at Mikado earlier wasn't enough. Did I mention we went to the Japanese buffet tonight? Mostly I slept today after getting home well after sunrise and not getting to sleep until after 10 AM and waking somewhere around 3 PM.

Who is Jenna "Is that a piece of cake?" Savage, anyway? The thoughts ramble as Megnetic ends. It's a strange indie movie starring Allix Mortis and directed by Sophia Cacciola and Michael J Epstein. I believe they mean well and I'll admit, I didn't watch every minute or listen to every word, but it was a strange one none-the-less. I understand why it dd not get as high as three stars on Amazon. Next up, Horrible Histories. Whatever am I getting myself into? Am I digressing?

Meanwhile, they are in the bedroom now, she sleeps in him bed and won't fall asleep unless he is in there with her. It's after midnight and I can their TV. It is loud enough to hear over the TV in this living room more than 50 feet away. Maybe that helps them sleep, or maybe they don't sleep.

I'm starting to nod myself.

Reviewing this entry, I see it is exactly what I need to do to maintain peace and happiness in my ind (and in turn my living space). This is how I do it. It is an assessment of my current living environment and not meant to be a complaint or vent (not that I don't do both). I feel more comfortable and secure when I look (and write about) the details of my reality. Exploring every detail allows me to determine what I like and do not like and therein allows me to reduce he things I don't like from my life. Living with someone is a compromise and as the past two years with Eb showed once again, I can bend over backwards and adjust to almost anything I don't like as long as I write to keep in touch with how much the thing or situation or environment disturbs me.

As I see it, conflicts happen in life when something disturbs someone and it is repressed, ignored, and/or not acknowledged in the conscious mind or in the physical reality. I suppose conflicts happen at times because some people like conflicts, but I don't and seldom have any in my life because I don't allow myself to be surprised by things I don't like. Writing about every little detail is how I do that and it usually works well.

So that is what this entry is about, or the reason for it. And in many ways, what this blog is about, at least in part. In case it matters. Or you were curious. It's not actually meant to be complaining and when it degenerates into complaining, that's when I need to realize I am clouding my view with self-pity or other stupid thinking errors. That leads to nothing good unless I throw myself a relatively brief pity-party and get out of that cloudy fog quickly. Writing is how I do that too.

And I am nodding off, so it is time to smile at myself for finding words that bring me to clarity ad peace because that brings me happiness no matter how much I may compromise. So I press send, upload, and say nite nite (maybe not in that order, aye? :)

May you find your way to clarity and compromise that lets you enjoy your reality too.

Narf.

Kids Run A House

It's always that way, usually. With a divorced dad who is having trouble moving on, an eight year old daddy's girl definitely rules the roost. So I get home and there are the kids. Sick kids, no less. Coughing hard and sniffling. It's been an hour and a half and the little one is whining hungry and refusing anything in the fridge and pouting, major passive aggression going on. Big brother offered marshmallows and she said no to that. I offered chicken and several other things, she ignored me at first (I'm not daddy, I'm in the way) and then said no to everything. It's all about daddy for her.

I get it, but it's exactly why I didn't want kids or smokers. Did I mention he smokes? Outside, but it does still seep in. Especially in a closed space like a car. So anyway, I don't start dinner and don't do any unpacking and moving in takes longer. Still not really sharing the kitchen, no cabinet space, one shelf in the pantry, so kitchen boxes sit and wait. It is awkward walking to the bathroom, laundry, or garage and bumping into them, Especially with daddy not here. (Wah, Wah, Wah. Into the abyss.

TA can't do anything but give her attention when she's here. She won't go to bed without him and she sleeps in his bed, so he is in bed before 9, usually earlier. They wake up before the sun. I think she's just ornery scared abandoned resistant at the moment because her parents are not here and it's apparently a surprise to all of us. TA's ex seems to control him and his life with the kids. If you're reading, TA, I am trying to be kind. I just don't feel at home here yet so I'm venting. Wrting it helps me cope and resolve frustration and find solutions. I don't think the solution is look for another pace, yet, but I really don't like not moving in because there's not kitchen cabinet space for me and I haven't hooked up the CBS I pay for yet. Little things, ut I didn't want to live in someone else's house. That's why I held out for so long.

Disjointed thoughts...

I know I could be a lot more parental and empathic and understanding and giving, but I've done that my entire life and it's left me unable to retire, without a relationship, and unable to live comfortably by myself. I must stop giving myself away the way I've done all these years if I am to survive and not be indigent when I can not longer work. I guess I've got to get used to no notice when the kids will be coming and living with kids. I said no to kids and smokers for two years. I didn't know he smoked or that the kids would be here so much when I moved in.

Anyway, I tried to help with dinner, but I'm not daddy and she only wants 100% daddy. She doesn't want to share daddy either, which makes it her house when she's here. Meanwhile, I am trying to set a hard boundary because I can't afford to adopt and take responsibility for another dysfunctional family. I also need some me time. I imagine it's quite disturbing to be dropped off in your old house with your big brother without either parent around. Then, to be hungry and have no dinner as the evening rolls on, but wanting to be hungry and needy when daddy gets home, so refusing any solutions offered. Not to mention to have the new man walking up to your bedroom door a few times because that's where his bathroom, the laundry room, and the garage is located.

Not exactly comfortable for the man either, since blanket oppositional whininess is the attitude. Tough to be the enemy at home. So a lot more emotional challenges here, but more space, sort of. At least the illusion of more space. Poor kid, to be sick on top of that (nasty cough and no instinct to cover her mouth), ok, find a distraction and don't judge the parents. Letting kids rule their lives is what parents do, especially in a divorce.

Boundaries.

I slow down on a lot on unpacking when they are here. It's their home. They've been here more than not since I move in and I really would like to actually move in. Still no kitchen cabinet space, still don't have my TV and computer (CBS All Access) hooked up. I'm living in their house, which is what I tried so hard not to do for two years. It was not supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be sharing the space.

I'm getting grumpy hungry too. I could put on the TV, make myself dinner, and just pretend they aren't here, but I offered food and what is in the fridge was not what she wanted, so am just sitting quietly now with a cat who's farted four times on the arm of my recliner. We should not be laughing, right? The cat probably wants dinner too. The cat seems to see me as protection when the kids are here.

More space, sort of, but not a lot of space for me. A lot more emotional energy making it more challenging to relax. In many ways, less privacy. TA won't move his stuff so I can move in, so boxes sit in the kitchen and living room waiting for space. I'm resisting putting them in the garage because the point of moving in here was to live here. If I can't unpack in a 2000 square foot space, I might as well look for a smaller space I can unpack in and call home.

Patience.

Narf.

Sheeshenfeffer Anonymous

Or something like that, perhaps, in any case, I haven't had much me-time Since I moved in here. Mostly because I am spending most of y time in the living room and TA spends much of his time in this living room even though he moved the couch into the other living room. I think it's a socialization thing on both our parts and I think that is a good thing, but it's just odd that my usual me-time, middle of the night, is when he wakes up and wants to sit and chat even if I am sitting here watching a TV show or typing intently on this laptop (intently, of course, being the key word in this bot of self-mockery and irony or whatever, dontcha think? lol lam lal). Going from a silent partner video-junkie roommate who barely said a word to an actively social roommate who enjoys making conversation is kind of a culture shock and I am trying to adjust without being rude (hope I'm succeeding cuz social is way better than complete silence... Heck, Eb hasn't even responded to my texts since I left).

This entry was interrupted by life and socializing and stuff to do.

These are things on the Sunday (and Monday, since it's holiday) TO DO list:

Finish laundry also in garage Put together shelving Arrange bedroom get clothes on shelving Change sheet Open Brita and find bedroom spot for it Continue boxes Start kitchen dishwasher loads Check Winter shirts box Watch NFL Playoffs Shopping for frozen foods for freezer Look for chair for cat Exchange the wall key holder Shop for things on list Get pillow for recliner Put up coat hooks and other stuff Catch up on blogs and online

Done Done Done, Continues Done, Continues Not done Done Done, Continues Done, Continues Not Done Done Done, Continues Not Done Not Done Done, Continues Done, Continue looking Not Done A little, Not Really Done