Timing (Stop Complaining, Part Two)

Timing may not be everything, but it's certainly a lot...

This entry (now early morning after a nap) began with an assessment of my currently living environment and from my perspective, based on the peaceful easy happy feeling I fell asleep with, it was the clearest most accurate most positive assessment yet (which suggests accuracy in reality as instinct does not allow happiness and peaceful easy feelings when it doesn't reach honest clarity and satisfaction. Accepting compromise, or at lease acknowledging reality and finding patience to be satisfied with changes and patience with someone not making changes fast enough but believing they still intend to follow through on the words they say, is the best we can do in this life if we want to share time and space with others.

Some call it taking stock. All in all, living out of boxes is not what I was looking for, but the space is so much better than the cramped, cluttered, dirty space at Eb's, so I should not be complaining...

and then...

As if this night began with an intent to assess and clarify every little thing in the current living environment and TA was reading and wanted to point out one item I did not pay much attention to, the one deal-breaker that had me skipping listing after listing n the roommate site and will turn me around about living here (until he clears space and can stop living out of boxes, I am not moved in, after all),this happened.

So I nodded off in my recliner a few hours back. I should be able to do that in my home in my living room, right? Well, wake up to the smell of cigarette smoke and the sound of TV and TA sitting in his chair a few feet away watching TV at 5:30 AM on Sunday morning. I've kind of gotten used to him being here regularly as he's sat on his couch watching the big TV in his living room once since I've been here... Maybe it's being social more than marking territory, but it's odd that he said this would be my side of the house when he hasn't let me move into it yet, but anyway, the cigarette smoke woke me u and prompted this part two entry).

I asked if he smoked in the house and he said no, on the front porch because it is raining. My bedroom is 18 inches from the from porch, so it's as if he smoked in my bedroom. I was half asleep and planning on moving fro the recliner to bed, but came here instead because I don't want to know if my bedroom smells of smoke. I sprayed Fabreeze, sat down, and I told him I refuse to live with smoking and that's why it took me so long to say yes to a roommate on the roommate website. If I read in his profile that he was a smoker or even that outside smoking ok, I'd have not responded.

His kids have a really bad cold, strep throat and deep hacking cough. They just went out into the cold rainy morning. Maybe they are going to breakfast. He can smoke out there, so that may have influenced the decision to go out, but she stayed home from school Friday and is a lot worse today, so going out in shorts... She was in short shorts and a light jacket. Let it be. I feel my body resisting the germs as my nose has been running more than usual and I feel a tickle in my throat. Of course that could be aggravated by the Fabreeze I sprayed. I sprayed a lot. The recliner was damp with it when I finished. his chair is probably damp too.

Maybe he went out to get her medicine, I asked if she was taking an expectorant because the cough seems to be deeper. He said he usually goes with suppressants because she doesn't like the taste of the flavors of the expectorants. He really tries hard to be a good dad and except for the lack of boundaries that may be creating over-dependency that will influence her expectations for future relationships (will anyone allow so much physical clinging, control, and as daddy? Will anyone ever be so devoted?). He may need the physical comfort of constant clinging and sleeping together as much as she does. Everybody has their own definition of relationships and their own boundaries, so again, let it be. Not my business or decision.

The air I breath, however, is very much my decision and I will make my own boundaries there.

The unpacking will stop immediately and search for another place begins again.

No complaining, just assessing reality and taking care of myself.

I will not accept breathing second hand smoke.

Some compromises will not be accepted.

Sad, but gotta deal with reality.

Maybe he heard me.

Narf.