We'll start with the good news. The amazing surprise. After once again spending a few hours researching the BSOD in Idle crash I'd been dealing with ever since MS Windows 10 did their annual major cumulative update on September 25th (which updated or re-installed half the programs on my computer, in fact, according to the Programs and Features module in Windows 10) and finding nothing new to help, I found a way to actually talk to a live support person. Yes, you heard right, a live support person for Microsoft Windows 10. This is the first time I ever connected to a Microsoft support person who actually tried to help. They must be having a whole lot of complains and issues with Windows 10 to provide free live tech support over the phone. As for the fucked up day, you may have already read this in the brief blog:
Yes, so, let's take it all apart and see just how accurate the titles might be (and how much of it is just the on-going Wednesday disorder).FKN DAY!
Yes, I decided not to put fucking day in the title because, after all, a lot of people want to be offended by damn words even when they are used properly to describe something. Simply, these are the reasons for the state of today. No pants for the interview tomorrow; Laptop crashing multiple times; Loss of words, work, mind; Anemia symptoms worse; Head cold worse or mold or anemia even worse; Lost BP med prescription; Lots of laundry; Weight loss stopped; $2500 spent on CC this month pushes me into tapping the emergency car payment funds (major line I did not want to cross); Tinnitus worse; Hungry; Lonely; Who cares mode is on (high volume).
There's probably more, but the computer crashed so many times I just want to stop using it.
So how was your day?
Narf! :}
No pants for the interview is accurate and stupidly I did not pack a pair of pants with the suit jacket and stupidly I waiting until this afternoon to check and the storage place will be too dark to do a search for the pants box and the right pants even if I did have the ambition and good sense to break through the Wednesday Disorder (I am going to send it to the DSM people for inclusion in their DSM VI) to drive over there in rush our traffic. So I either must search the storage place in the morning or go somewhere to buy a pair of pants that matches the suit jacket before the interview tomorrow. Poor planning, poor adapting, poor attitude, poor me. We rate this a serious obstacle to getting the job with a high level of the self-pity factor.
Laptop crashing multiple times. The fear of not having a laptop when my best hope of finding a job depends on frequent internet checking, searching, communicating, and responding to job inquiries is probably one of the worst fears I know today. The closer I get to having no savings, losing the car, being homeless, and working as a Walmart Greeter or behind the counter at a fast food chain and still lose the car and probably not be able to pay rent or transportation in a safe place, the higher the blood pressure and worse the medical problems get. Investing in a new computer might be the best thing I can do even though it accelerates the potential loss of the car, but I hold out hope this one will not crash for good in spite of multiple crashes per day. We rate this a serious stressor with rational reasoning and minimal self-pity factor.
Loss of words, work. You may have seen previous reactions to the loss of words and this is quite mild compared to some of my rants. The fact that Micgrosoft may have provided a fix and live support that I can contact again (with a case number, no less) might mitigate some of the rage. Still, the time wasted is hurtful but the loss of words is maddening. Several entries, reasoning and rationalizing and therapuetic words that would have made this day so very much better were lose in sudden crashes. I even saved most of the time, but the RAM did not save it when the laptop restarted. We rate this a serious stressor and obstacle to maintaining sanity, peace, and rational thinking with a moderate self-pity factor. Let's just say that if you don't already understand the emotion of the loss of progress in therapy (writing is my therapy), then there is not explanation of it for you. Have a sandwich and move along.
Amemia worsens. The lab results show that in spite of eating the healthier diet I've even in a couple of years for two full months and taking a multitude of supplements including an expensive organic iron tablet daily that resulted in improving every other lab value to put me back in the "normal" range for all other factors, the anemia dropped to serious concern levels (according to the unbiased MD who ordered the tests). This is rated a very serious stressor, serious health risk, and damn fucked up with rational medical science reasoning and a minimum self-pity factor. I really would rather not die before I find a job and get my independence back. Or for another forty years, whichever comes first.
Humor, it must save me if nothing else will.
Head cold or mold reaction or anemia reaction or combination, ultimately, dang crappy feeling symptoms worse. I somehow will find a way to interview tomorrow without sniffling, cough, being blinded by blurry eyes, or needing to repeatedly take a tissue to my nose. I hope. Beyond the interview, am I dying? is not a question I want to take seriously and the fact that I might is quite distracting and disheartening and depressing which interferes with hope and the actual positivity and confidence I need to regain independence and continue living. We rate this a very serious concern, issues, obstacle, stressor, health risk, and even more damn fucked up with rational medical science reasoning and a large dollop of self-pity.
Lost BP medication prescription. I recall seeing it in the car when I was cleaning out the front seat for Helen or Jane or another passenger last week and I remember thinking why do I still have this... I already filled this prescription and of course, that was wrong thinking. I am hoping I did not throw the prescription away (which would be contrary to any logical thought or habit as it has a lot of personal information on it and I would ordinarily save it for the shredding pile) and it is still somewhere in the car or somewhere. Worst case is someone finds it and steals my identify (or, for the more paranoid amond us, stalks me in order to substitute a poisoned pill amidst my BP pills). Best case is I find the paper. Next best case is I go wait several hours at the free clinic next Tuesday morning for another prescription and the doctor doesn't hassle me too much for losing the first one. We rate this a moderate pain-in-the-ass stressor due to it's losing-your-mind (and short term memory) factor with a lot of the self-pity factor as well.
Lots of laundry. I mean like four or more loads. Doing my first laundry here at The Maharaja's place comes with the trepidation of seeing the potential mold in the washer/dryer area and even in the washer dryer as they are in an outdoor shed and the mold growth is very high everywhere in this house. I could go to a local laundromat, but that is an outdoor situation as well, not to mention a full day experience. We rate this a stop-whining-and-grow-a-pair nonsense stressor with way more self-pity factor than the scale can measure. Shut up and do the damn laundry.
Weight loss stopped. If I was eating the extreme lean healthy diet I was eating in September and October I'd be very concerned, but this is mostly my choices and while the good news is my choices have maintained the weight loss (hey, the pants I bought tomorrow {ooops, did I just give away the relativity of time again?... shhhh, just keep reading and pay no attention to the time-keeper behind the curtain) were 36 waist and they are baggy - I didn't want to try 34 waist yet because I was in a hurry... I was wearing 38 waist before September), I do need to refocus and continue the weight loss. This is rated another fine mess I've gotten myself into with diminished will power and a moderate self-pity factor.
$2500 spent this month forcing the beginning of withdrawals from the emergency car payments fund. The expenses included the half-year car insurance premium ($600), two new tires for the car ($360), the moving expenses ($300), including storage unit fees ($160), and moving into The Maharaja's place expenses (I bought a bunch of things for here) and several other unique to this month things and stuff I am forgetting - but also a whole lot of dining out and unnecessary expenses. Stupidilty is rated high on half of this. We rate withdrawals from the emergency car payments funds as extremely high on the stressor meter and lots of sadness, but minimal self-pity as losing the car would be a traumatic, even devastating circumstance so crossing this line is that major line I did not want to cross (which is why the job search intesified so much in August and September). Help me if you can I'm feeling dow-ow-own.
Tinnitus worse. Health scary because it is so closely associated with higher blood pressure and stressors. Focus on de-stressing and hope for better news on the job and health front. It is also very distracting at times and can lead to irrational thinking and mood swings as the constant noise irritant is there even when I block it from consciousness and the sudden emergence into consciousness can trigger and upset or angry outburst. Balance, grasshoppoer. We rate this a real issue, moderate stressor, and middle of the road on the self-pity factor scale.
Hungry. Blah. Eat. Emotionally eat sometimes, get a hole of yourself and remember self-discipline and will power and do the right thing. We rate this a bullshit stressor and self-coddling blowing the roof off the self-pity factor meter. Try again.
Lonely. Not far under Hungry, but more under my control than not under my control, so mostly irrational stressor and high on the self-pity factor scale.
Who cares mode. Don't give it the time of day, pure (ok, 99% self-pity.
So Anna at MS did a remote session and upgraded my video drivers and the BSOD crash on Idle may have stopped, at least they did not happen in the usual five minutes. We shall see if they happen at all next time I walk away from the computer. Now I can't use Kaspersky Secure Connection (it fails) and I can't run a Full Scan on my laptop as the laptop automatically reboots before the Full Scan is done.
And I just ordered $44 worth of N.Y.P.D Italian food (delicious but drawbacks at this location) - Large meat lover's pizza with extra cheese ($25 too much burnt bacon, overcooked, bread burnt taste from dirty oven), meatballs appetizer ($4.50, overcooked, not worth it), and an eggplant parm sub ($8.75 toasted bread, overcooked, tough bread (not fresh), slightly burnt). Expensive around here, but screw the budget. Definitely anti-healthy weight loss program, but screw the body. Tomorrow, start again.
I might have been better, in fact, the likelihood of being better is nearly 100% and yet, here we are. I crashed again today. Wednesday. Coincidence? The laptop issues?
Narf! :)
