...perhaps he'll die.
Yeah, ever the comic caricature of myself (don't go breaking my heart... ooops, too late) and loving every minute of it. except for the physical pains. I really ought to find the blood pressure cuffs and take my blood pressure. It feels kind of high. Living alone is a lonely process. Dying alone is even lonelier. What has this life meant, I wonder. All the questions rise... was it worth it?... what's the point?... and the quintessential... who cares?
Hello silence my old friend. I've come to play with you again. In the emptiness I sing a song. With no audience I can't go wrong. And the hope for someone caring still remains. Heavy chains. They comfort me, in silence.
Would you like to swing on a star? Laughter wonders just where you are. Maybe you are better off by far. Or maybe you just do not care. Oh shit, that's a path to despair. (or for the younger audience, be aware, that is a sure path to despair).
This morning I ate two portions of oatmeal made with 1/4 chocolate milk and two heaping teaspoons of raw potato starch sorta mixed in with a vanilla yogurt on top. It was actually quite yummy. Then I had a bowel movement, long and thin and pain-free, though I did feel the lesion area almost break open again. No visible blood. I ate light and mostly healthy yesterday (except for a small portion of rice, meat, and potatoes at Curly's) having just a can of chicken, plain and carrots the rest of the day. I am inching my way back to the self-discipline that helped me drop 23 pounds in 2 months. I gained five of those pounds back during my binge so I have another 20 pounds to lose before I will stop pressuring myself, The developing headache at the moment does not bode well for maintaining the self-discipline. I am a mixed bag of symptoms that seem to be getting worse over time. Could the feelings all be due to the anemia?
The symptoms of moderate to severe iron deficiency anemia include:
|shortness of breath.||sometimes|
|strange cravings to eat items that aren't food, such as dirt, ice, or clay.||sort of|
|a tingling or crawling feeling in the legs.||sometimes|
|tongue swelling or soreness.||sometimes|
|cold hands and feet.||often|
|fast or irregular heartbeat.||sometimes|
|craving ice (or cold vegetables)||check|
|dimished capabilty to perform hard labor||check|
|reduced resistance to infection||check|
|altered behavior (ADD, etc)||check|
|worsened symptoms of comorbid cardiac or pulmonary disease||sometimes|
Yup, that's me all over. The headaches are mostly specific to the left neck to temple region and the heartbeat is sometimes slow (they got 54 and 64 in the clinic and I was agitated due to stress over the other symptoms and lab work) and I used to get tingling and muscle pains in my legs all the time as a kid and teenager when I was first diagnosed with anemia and put on iron supplements and yeah, so the lab work verifies the symptoms or vice versa.
Softball soon. As I will not be going to any tournaments (I simply can not justify the expense at this point), this is the last official game of the year, alas, unless we win tonight and make the playoffs. I must wake up next Saturday and join the seniors for their Saturday morning practice and pick-up game (Just $4). I also must get to the batting cages as I still have coins for those. For the moment, I must get up and stretch and loosen up and see about getting the neck to stop hurting cuz I want to play next week in the playoffs even though it would be against a team that would beat us bad (and risk getting hurt). Stay positive. Get up.
Hope you are staying positive and taking care of yourself too.