Credit The Madness

For dying without credit would be a terrible waste of time.
credit the madness
for only then can any of us approach the sublime
credit the madness
whatever you call it, chance or god
new growth comes
even if you make it hard

so credit the madness
call it life or love it soul
just credit the madness
it's your only chance to be whole



More to follow, if I survive...

Narf :)

The Past Couple of Days

Mot of this comes from a letter I wrote to J tonight, catching up on the past couple of days. Softball, the car battery died as the lights were going out at the parks and they were locking the gates... luckily I had a friend still there and he gave the car a jump and it started. Luckily it started in the morning and I did not have to call road service and be late for work.

When I got home Monday night night I ate a little pasta and fell asleep and slept until 5:30 and woke and went to Wal-Mart and waited, nodding off in the car. They put in the battery that I expected them to put in (research told me it was the best battery for the price for my car) and the car seems fine again, except that the computer is all sorts of messed up. Reading up on it, this is what happens when the battery is disconnected completely when changing the battery. Best practices advise to connect the car/computer to a back-up battery when changing a battery. Wal-Mart didn't do that, so the car computer is wonky now.

J says my car has a cold after getting a heart transplant. I laughed. It was good to laugh, though the body hurts from a cold and cough (maybe I caught it from the car). I appreciate her so much and her sense of humor and perspective on life and everything is a big reason why. Thank you J.

I was seriously tired the rest of the day, Tuesday, and was freezing in the office and sniffling the whole day. I fell asleep after eating a little pasta right after getting home from work. A cold bug was attacking hard and gaining ground. Over the weekend, with the help of a holiday pointing out how I have failed in finding or creating family to this point in this life, my aloneness and loneliness reached a point of self-pity that lowered my defenses to a point where my immune system was compromised. The abandonment issues tear me down every now and then.

I woke Wednesday at 5:30 am to drive an hour to am all-day conference in a Hilton ballroom. A freezing room with 500 people and a buffet lunch exposed me to hundreds of different biological organisms new to my immune system at the perfectly wrong time. I drank four cups of coffee to stay awake and after eating two hot pockets, fell asleep when I got home.

An hour ago I woke up coughing and started sucking on two well known cough drops but they didn't work. I usually get Cepacol or Chloroseptic and it usually works so I can fall back asleep when I get a cold, which isn't often, but I did not stop fr drugs today until I got near home and the only thing the local store had was Vicks and Halls. So here we are, awake, coughing, uncomfortable, and fighting a powerful bug that is attacking all sorts of places in this body. If this is just as bad tomorrow evening I will buy some Nyquil or other sleep-inducing medication. The last time I went that route was a long time ago.

But I need to get a handle on this bug and turn it around. Fast. Softball Friday (I don't want to have a weak showing three weeks in a row), Saturday (playing the top team in the league), Sunday (last two games of the season, big games that mean a lot), and Monday (we are undefeated and want to stay that way).

And I don't want to take any time off work. So I need to get some sleep, but the coughing hurts and starts whenever I lay down. Telling all to J helped me feel a lot less alone. I must remember that I am not as alone in the world as I feel and just because everyone I've ever known and trusted and shared physical life and space with has stopped actively caring about me, J remains consistent and there. Sharing this here in the blog world helps me keep hope alive that I will find someone to share life in the physical world who will not leave.

So except for feeling like death warmed over and wanting to sleep for a week and not being able to sleep, everything is wonderful in its own way.

I am really quite cheerful and feel lucky to have to drag myself to work in the morning and also feel very lucky to have a job where I can be groggy and cloudy and set my own schedule so I can hide out a bit when I need to.

I especially feel lucky to have a friend I can share all this with in this world.

Narf :)

Food Emo

Alas, the confessional has not worked. The rationalization has not worked. The humor has not worked. This latest food indulgence phase is a stubborn one. Living here has a lot to do with it I think. I had more of my stuff and more comforts ate the unfinished room at Dave's old house. Also more privacy and no messy over-eating insensitive influence there. But the influences are just the latest challenge.

The belly is as it's been in a long long time. All that self-discipline from September to November last year to drop 25 pounds was reversed in the past six months. Especially the past three months since income started coming in. Especially the last six weeks since bigger income started coming in. It's emotional eating but it is also sensual pleasure eating and that got me to thinking...

Is it really gross misconduct and self-destructive behavior? Maybe self-indulgences are as potentially harmful as medical science might claim they may be. Maybe they are as the signs of mental instability or madness as modern psychology suggests. Maybe it can also be self-love. I mean, who love themselves more - someone who lives a hundred years by following all the modern medical science recommendations for diet, exercise, and lifestyle for longevity or someone who lives fifty or sixty years indulging their senses in every way that brings pleasure at any cost. Life is momentary, enjoy it.

I can go either way on that. In fact, I have for my whole life. I am currently in the suicidal self-indulgent phase, at least according to modern medical science.

The belly is getting in the way. One of my belts no longer closes. There are drawbacks to uninhibited self-indulgence.

Mothers Day... Happy Mothers Day. I sent a happy mother's day text to seventeen friends. Sixteen responded with a thank you. Jackson must be too busy to text today. Maybe the people around her don't want her to have anything to do with me. Self-pity certainly does help not perspective or clear thinking or will power.

I've been watching TV all day. No softball. I realize how important Sunday softball is to me, in spite of my team being so dysfunctional, when the softball is gone. I am going to Atlanta for a Memorial Day tournament with another team. I hang out with some of them and play cards with a few in a new card game I've been invited to with other softball players and umpires. It is a good thing.

The TV is on an old movie channel. Cary Grant and Grace Kelly in To Catch Thief and then Cary Grant and Sophia Loren in Houseboat and the emo is getting to me. Especially the family emo of Houseboat which was the last thing I needed since I've been feeling so alone and without family all day.

Do you have any family? I just though about this feeling I am feeling today and here I am feeling sorry for myself and you may be even more alone than I am in this world.

The TV is antenna TV and frequently loses signal so the picture distorts and the sound distorts and I miss dialogue and visuals and that sucks at key points but it is probably for the best as the key points would be even more effective to smother my affect emotionally if I heard and saw all the emo clearly.

I should turn on another channel...

I am doing laundry today feeling very alone. Holidays are always like this when I do not forget they are holidays, especially when I make an effort to participate in them. Today I made the mistake of reaching out to lots of people and it reminded me too well that I m not close to anyone and all the efforts all trough this life to find family in real time and physical space have failed.

Logic concludes it is something I do not want, really. Apparently in spite of all of my conscious desire and outspoken wishes, I am determined to prove I am not really wanted in this world in the flesh. The stubborn child sensed it from birth and all evidence points to my subconscious choice to prove it.

I cleaned out the car today. I didn't finished, but I did a lot. I finally switched softball bags so now I am in my old bag because he bag I had been using, Jackson's old bag (that I had bought for her... she gave it back to me when when she bought a new one) was falling apart. Bags only last a few years. I need new cleats too but I have put that off. The car and trunk is a lot less cluttered and now I hope to pack a bag of clean clothes and shower stuff so I ave a "go bag" in the car again.

It is very hot here today. Especially with laundry heating up the place and moving around a lot cleaning out the car and folding and so on. The thermostat set to 82 and the temperature outside temperature higher than that and he keeps the windows open. I like the fresh air, but it is hot.

I turned off the TV and turned on the internet. A couple of CBS shows, then over to Hulu and a really bad horror movie called Portal .. some creepy scenes, but no story.

I hope this was not too such of a downer entry. I am going to try to stop now because it does not seem to be getting better lol (laughing because my brain is not following m own rules and I know I am deciding to break them on a subconscious level and I guess that is just simply how bored I am).

So many reasons this all makes sense. It's just not much fun.

Kind of like the stupid movie.

May your day be more fun than mine. May everything be more beautifully than ever. May the trees dance in the wind. May the world smile and may it all inspire yours. :)

Falling Behind and Losing A Mind

The lyrics of RHCP's Under The Bridge play over and over in the brain. Madness calls and I am tempted to answer. it is not so much a matter of losing my mind, it is more a matter of trying to leave my mind behind. There is too much hunger, too many desires not fulfilled. SO what to do, what to do, maybe some kind of message can get through the think dark cloud of foggy gray that has been settled in my way for months or longer since my best friend went away. . . . all I can do is return to the dreams and hope they stay.

That's when something like this came out... today... inspired by J (thank you J) and augmented for me and you and you and you and the whole universe, every living being, every person, every one... may each day of your life be a good day...

I wish I could help you bring less pain and more fun to your days. I have such a full schedule now, I am scratching off activities during the week so I can enjoy work more and be more productive by getting more sleep and maybe, just maybe, the babbling fool who knows the sheer magic of optimism and hopefulness will emerge from the fog of the last sixteen months. Three brief diary entries today is a sign of that kind of miracle. My kind of miracle lol. :)

Note, for the record and posterity and in case it matters and if you really really really want to know (so you can be sure and all that), that there is nothing magical mystical or religious, supernatural or otherwise, about my kind of miracle... mine exist in the real world and can touch you and lift you right out of your mind and into your dreams. It is all in the mind, after all (ah, if you only knew the joy beaming out and in right now, you'd know what life is all about. So back to the letter of the day, hey hey hey and yay.

We won 9-3 tonight. I did not drink the caffeine drink I usually drink so I did not hit well, but I pitched fine. Much fun. Maybe I will sleep tonight. Last night I watched a TV series called Vanished until 4:30 AM. An entire 13 episode season, one night, who are you? The lonelies were strong last night.

Less strong tonight... just a billion tons of loneliness instead of a gazillion. I amuse myself with numbers and truth. I am so easily amused, so loving, so caring, so giving, so alone. Incongruity of logic, too tired to rationalize it away. This would was not made for me or Vincent.

I am laughing. Just too tired to type lol.

lol.

And now (and then), I feel like writing a simple but mushy knock out romantic love song. Prepare yourself, it's gonna be irresistible (ignore ego, let it flow). Ready, set, go...

not because we have to
but because we want to
just because we want to
that's why we care

not for obligation
but for the sensation
just for the elation
that's why we share

there are no rules to guide the heart
don't let anyone tell you how to love
there is no wrong way and if you're smart
you will embrace what you dream of

not because you have to
but because you want to
just because you want to
that's why you love

not cuz you're supposed to
but because you know it's true
you know just what to do
love love love

there are song that tell the truth
there are songs that set you free
there are songs that inspire love
you are that song to me

not because I have to
but because I want to
just because I want to
I am yours

not because we're falling
but because the calling
love's no longer stalling
it opens doors

there are no rules to guide the heart
don't let anyone tell you how to love
there is no wrong way and if you're smart
you will embrace what you dream of

this is your part
my love

not because we have to
but because we want to
just because we want to
we're in love

there's no obligation
there's only sensation
love is the elation
we dream of

not because we have to
but because we want to
just because we want to
we're in love

la la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la
we're in love

Kind of a happy Hey Jude never ending chorus and I sail off to la la land, sleep that is, no swimming pools r movie stars or corn flakes, nope, just hope and a dream...

May the birds bring song, my the day bring peace, may the pain be light, may you find release for your smile and your art and your love. May today be one of those days you dream of.

and if it's not... love anyway :)

For all of you, love anyway. :)

Narf :)

Just Another Entry

Obscure as can be, ordinary, meaningless babble as is the way of the babbler, especially during times of gross misconduct and self-destructive behaviors. On the other hand, self-indulgences, as potentially harmful as medical science might claim they may be, can also be self-love. I mean, who love themselves more - someone who lives a hundred years by following all the modern medical science recommendations for diet, exercise, and lifestyle for longevity or someone who lives fifty or sixty years indulging their senses in every way that brings pleasure at any cost.

There are other entries that will go into that in more detail.

The fact is (omg, here we are, at the heart of it all). Not these. But once upon a time all the secrets (secrets? what secrets?) were almost told (so many bits and bites, if only someone would find them all and put the puzzle pieces together). The never ending quest for honest love, true love, unconditional love, the ultimate perfect love. Not to mention family, or something like that. I tried so hard to be human or fit in or understand or something like that too. Perhaps it is my particular madness. Logic concludes it is something I do not want, really. Apparently in spite of all of my conscious desire and outspoken wishes, I am determined to prove I am not really wanted in this world in the flesh. The stubborn child sensed it from birth and all evidence points to my subconscious choice to prove it. It's all here, almost.

Don't want to think about this much...

I went from having a best friend who lived in the same space and was the go to call for anything to having no one to call in an emergency or for a ride or for anything. It was a sudden change. I used to be uncle to her nieces, at her parents house for holidays, always there for her as a best friend should be. Now, more than a year later, I realize it was traumatic for me because it has happened before. Best friends just disappear. She promised she would not drop out of my life the way many others have. But she just disappeared from caring about what happens to me. I get images and emojis by text, a few brief words, that's about it. She doesn't ask about me. We've gotten together for dinner a half dozen times in the past year. From best friends to alone. Ouch.

I didn't expect everything to stay the same, after all, she fell in love and moved in with her partner. But I practically don't exist in her life now except for an image text or brief hello. People ask what happened and I try to laugh it off by saying she fell in love... but I don't mention she doesn't even ask about how I am. She does call when she needs something for herself though, just like every other kid I've adopted along the way in this life. She knew that history and promised she'd not be like all the others.

She is even more.

It could all be fundamental bullsugar.

Remember The First of May?

Here, read this until I get back