Just Another Entry

Obscure as can be, ordinary, meaningless babble as is the way of the babbler, especially during times of gross misconduct and self-destructive behaviors. On the other hand, self-indulgences, as potentially harmful as medical science might claim they may be, can also be self-love. I mean, who love themselves more - someone who lives a hundred years by following all the modern medical science recommendations for diet, exercise, and lifestyle for longevity or someone who lives fifty or sixty years indulging their senses in every way that brings pleasure at any cost.

There are other entries that will go into that in more detail.

The fact is (omg, here we are, at the heart of it all). Not these. But once upon a time all the secrets (secrets? what secrets?) were almost told (so many bits and bites, if only someone would find them all and put the puzzle pieces together). The never ending quest for honest love, true love, unconditional love, the ultimate perfect love. Not to mention family, or something like that. I tried so hard to be human or fit in or understand or something like that too. Perhaps it is my particular madness. Logic concludes it is something I do not want, really. Apparently in spite of all of my conscious desire and outspoken wishes, I am determined to prove I am not really wanted in this world in the flesh. The stubborn child sensed it from birth and all evidence points to my subconscious choice to prove it. It's all here, almost.

Don't want to think about this much...

I went from having a best friend who lived in the same space and was the go to call for anything to having no one to call in an emergency or for a ride or for anything. It was a sudden change. I used to be uncle to her nieces, at her parents house for holidays, always there for her as a best friend should be. Now, more than a year later, I realize it was traumatic for me because it has happened before. Best friends just disappear. She promised she would not drop out of my life the way many others have. But she just disappeared from caring about what happens to me. I get images and emojis by text, a few brief words, that's about it. She doesn't ask about me. We've gotten together for dinner a half dozen times in the past year. From best friends to alone. Ouch.

I didn't expect everything to stay the same, after all, she fell in love and moved in with her partner. But I practically don't exist in her life now except for an image text or brief hello. People ask what happened and I try to laugh it off by saying she fell in love... but I don't mention she doesn't even ask about how I am. She does call when she needs something for herself though, just like every other kid I've adopted along the way in this life. She knew that history and promised she'd not be like all the others.

She is even more.

It could all be fundamental bullsugar.