The Past Couple of Days

Mot of this comes from a letter I wrote to J tonight, catching up on the past couple of days. Softball, the car battery died as the lights were going out at the parks and they were locking the gates... luckily I had a friend still there and he gave the car a jump and it started. Luckily it started in the morning and I did not have to call road service and be late for work.

When I got home Monday night night I ate a little pasta and fell asleep and slept until 5:30 and woke and went to Wal-Mart and waited, nodding off in the car. They put in the battery that I expected them to put in (research told me it was the best battery for the price for my car) and the car seems fine again, except that the computer is all sorts of messed up. Reading up on it, this is what happens when the battery is disconnected completely when changing the battery. Best practices advise to connect the car/computer to a back-up battery when changing a battery. Wal-Mart didn't do that, so the car computer is wonky now.

J says my car has a cold after getting a heart transplant. I laughed. It was good to laugh, though the body hurts from a cold and cough (maybe I caught it from the car). I appreciate her so much and her sense of humor and perspective on life and everything is a big reason why. Thank you J.

I was seriously tired the rest of the day, Tuesday, and was freezing in the office and sniffling the whole day. I fell asleep after eating a little pasta right after getting home from work. A cold bug was attacking hard and gaining ground. Over the weekend, with the help of a holiday pointing out how I have failed in finding or creating family to this point in this life, my aloneness and loneliness reached a point of self-pity that lowered my defenses to a point where my immune system was compromised. The abandonment issues tear me down every now and then.

I woke Wednesday at 5:30 am to drive an hour to am all-day conference in a Hilton ballroom. A freezing room with 500 people and a buffet lunch exposed me to hundreds of different biological organisms new to my immune system at the perfectly wrong time. I drank four cups of coffee to stay awake and after eating two hot pockets, fell asleep when I got home.

An hour ago I woke up coughing and started sucking on two well known cough drops but they didn't work. I usually get Cepacol or Chloroseptic and it usually works so I can fall back asleep when I get a cold, which isn't often, but I did not stop fr drugs today until I got near home and the only thing the local store had was Vicks and Halls. So here we are, awake, coughing, uncomfortable, and fighting a powerful bug that is attacking all sorts of places in this body. If this is just as bad tomorrow evening I will buy some Nyquil or other sleep-inducing medication. The last time I went that route was a long time ago.

But I need to get a handle on this bug and turn it around. Fast. Softball Friday (I don't want to have a weak showing three weeks in a row), Saturday (playing the top team in the league), Sunday (last two games of the season, big games that mean a lot), and Monday (we are undefeated and want to stay that way).

And I don't want to take any time off work. So I need to get some sleep, but the coughing hurts and starts whenever I lay down. Telling all to J helped me feel a lot less alone. I must remember that I am not as alone in the world as I feel and just because everyone I've ever known and trusted and shared physical life and space with has stopped actively caring about me, J remains consistent and there. Sharing this here in the blog world helps me keep hope alive that I will find someone to share life in the physical world who will not leave.

So except for feeling like death warmed over and wanting to sleep for a week and not being able to sleep, everything is wonderful in its own way.

I am really quite cheerful and feel lucky to have to drag myself to work in the morning and also feel very lucky to have a job where I can be groggy and cloudy and set my own schedule so I can hide out a bit when I need to.

I especially feel lucky to have a friend I can share all this with in this world.

Narf :)