Food Emo

Alas, the confessional has not worked. The rationalization has not worked. The humor has not worked. This latest food indulgence phase is a stubborn one. Living here has a lot to do with it I think. I had more of my stuff and more comforts ate the unfinished room at Dave's old house. Also more privacy and no messy over-eating insensitive influence there. But the influences are just the latest challenge.

The belly is as it's been in a long long time. All that self-discipline from September to November last year to drop 25 pounds was reversed in the past six months. Especially the past three months since income started coming in. Especially the last six weeks since bigger income started coming in. It's emotional eating but it is also sensual pleasure eating and that got me to thinking...

Is it really gross misconduct and self-destructive behavior? Maybe self-indulgences are as potentially harmful as medical science might claim they may be. Maybe they are as the signs of mental instability or madness as modern psychology suggests. Maybe it can also be self-love. I mean, who love themselves more - someone who lives a hundred years by following all the modern medical science recommendations for diet, exercise, and lifestyle for longevity or someone who lives fifty or sixty years indulging their senses in every way that brings pleasure at any cost. Life is momentary, enjoy it.

I can go either way on that. In fact, I have for my whole life. I am currently in the suicidal self-indulgent phase, at least according to modern medical science.

The belly is getting in the way. One of my belts no longer closes. There are drawbacks to uninhibited self-indulgence.

Mothers Day... Happy Mothers Day. I sent a happy mother's day text to seventeen friends. Sixteen responded with a thank you. Jackson must be too busy to text today. Maybe the people around her don't want her to have anything to do with me. Self-pity certainly does help not perspective or clear thinking or will power.

I've been watching TV all day. No softball. I realize how important Sunday softball is to me, in spite of my team being so dysfunctional, when the softball is gone. I am going to Atlanta for a Memorial Day tournament with another team. I hang out with some of them and play cards with a few in a new card game I've been invited to with other softball players and umpires. It is a good thing.

The TV is on an old movie channel. Cary Grant and Grace Kelly in To Catch Thief and then Cary Grant and Sophia Loren in Houseboat and the emo is getting to me. Especially the family emo of Houseboat which was the last thing I needed since I've been feeling so alone and without family all day.

Do you have any family? I just though about this feeling I am feeling today and here I am feeling sorry for myself and you may be even more alone than I am in this world.

The TV is antenna TV and frequently loses signal so the picture distorts and the sound distorts and I miss dialogue and visuals and that sucks at key points but it is probably for the best as the key points would be even more effective to smother my affect emotionally if I heard and saw all the emo clearly.

I should turn on another channel...

I am doing laundry today feeling very alone. Holidays are always like this when I do not forget they are holidays, especially when I make an effort to participate in them. Today I made the mistake of reaching out to lots of people and it reminded me too well that I m not close to anyone and all the efforts all trough this life to find family in real time and physical space have failed.

Logic concludes it is something I do not want, really. Apparently in spite of all of my conscious desire and outspoken wishes, I am determined to prove I am not really wanted in this world in the flesh. The stubborn child sensed it from birth and all evidence points to my subconscious choice to prove it.

I cleaned out the car today. I didn't finished, but I did a lot. I finally switched softball bags so now I am in my old bag because he bag I had been using, Jackson's old bag (that I had bought for her... she gave it back to me when when she bought a new one) was falling apart. Bags only last a few years. I need new cleats too but I have put that off. The car and trunk is a lot less cluttered and now I hope to pack a bag of clean clothes and shower stuff so I ave a "go bag" in the car again.

It is very hot here today. Especially with laundry heating up the place and moving around a lot cleaning out the car and folding and so on. The thermostat set to 82 and the temperature outside temperature higher than that and he keeps the windows open. I like the fresh air, but it is hot.

I turned off the TV and turned on the internet. A couple of CBS shows, then over to Hulu and a really bad horror movie called Portal .. some creepy scenes, but no story.

I hope this was not too such of a downer entry. I am going to try to stop now because it does not seem to be getting better lol (laughing because my brain is not following m own rules and I know I am deciding to break them on a subconscious level and I guess that is just simply how bored I am).

So many reasons this all makes sense. It's just not much fun.

Kind of like the stupid movie.

May your day be more fun than mine. May everything be more beautifully than ever. May the trees dance in the wind. May the world smile and may it all inspire yours. :)