Must Go Shopping

I have four gifts to buy. Three for work and one for tomorrow night. I do not like buying gifts for others. I know it's the thought that counts, but I want the thought to be right. Not knowing the three co-workers well enough to know what sort of $5 gift would be appropriate makes it very challenging to choose. So I must get out today. Even though I would much rather just say inside, not spend money, not eat too much (ok, so maybe I want to eat too much lol, sigh, even if I laugh at the subtle suicide that is... but then, yeah, in case it matters), and experience the same old superficial experiences with the same people who truly do not know me. They care, on the surface, but they are not the family I hear about. Family who takes you in when you are in need, family who helps and gives you sustenance to survive, family who is permanent, always there, part of daily life, and most of all, always will be there as long as we are alive.

I've got no one like that. Never have. You know that if you've read me. I lament... a lot. Who will bury (or cremate)me when this body dies? Who will do anything? All the stuff I have in storage, will it be thrown away or sold off? Will it be on storage wars, if there is such a show like that when this body dies? There is certainly enough stuff. Will there be anything? Respect?

Probably not.

This life I live will likely disappear into oblivion. These words I write will probably be no more noticed than they are now. Oh, the drama. Oh, the pity. Oh, the traumas we create for ourselves. So what, I never knew permanence. It is all an illusion anyway. Sure, biological families take that illusion for granted and and don't even doubt that it is real. It is not true in every case, I mean, there are biological families that have little or no contact, after all. There are, however, biological families that appear to have no doubt that they will be there for each other no matter what, from beginning to end, to always do everything in their power to help and care for and nurture and provide and share and care and so on...

That is what I have never known to this point. Perhaps it is impossible for humans not biologically connected to bond in the same way, with the same shared illusion and commitment and blind assumption and feeling that biological families share.

That is sad for me, since it is the thing, the experience I wanted and still want most in this life.

It is afternoon now... and I must go shopping.

Narf.