Slices of Life (or cans)

I must learn patience. I must remember a person who never met me is likely to be overwhelmed by too many words and to much personal information too quickly. Most humans have a lot more filters than I do. Oddly, I have more filters and walls and doors than anyone I know, they just don't close, they simply become a maze which can be even more unsettling to strangers. So none of the pen pals who should prmise in their initial responses came back with another response this week. That's ok, it could just be the way of correspondence. Once a month used to be plenty when we depended on snail mail. Still, I share way too much too soon. So I wrote them all this:

I still have not learned to take things slowly with sharing which often leads to overwhelming new potential friend. I mean no harm, just have few walls or doors or filters. Apologies if I wrote too much. I hope your life is smiling and you had a good week and weekend. I aml here if you wish to share.

And if I did not babble on too much too soon, wonderful. No rush to respond, just sending a smile to keep in touch :)

Then I wrote to J. Thank you for not being a stranger :)

She mentioned all the holiday movies she's been watching and we share a love for those. Those movies are such a double edge sword as they lead me to my hunger to share family and love so I feel a happy sadness when I watch. Happy that my desire to bond with people and stay alive in this world with joy and hope it will happen is still strong enough to inspire tears when I watch others do it (even in fiction), almost all joyous happy tears, but also sad because I have a lifetime of failures in that bonding experience. The sad is good though, because it reminds me again of how much I want to share which leads back to the hope and euphoria I imagine sharing to be. :)

If you've been reading me then you know I don't have typical TV access these days. I don't have cable and haven't since March 2016. I watch CBS All Access ($10 a month) and Hulu ($13 a month) when I want TV or movies. I miss what I don't watch (especially BBC shows, Sci-Fi shows that are not on Hulu, movies, sports, and more) but there is more available for the $23 a month than I can keep up with and the best thing of all is it is completely commercial free. It's cheaper per month with the commercials, but it's well worth it for me not to watch commercials.

I still have internet, though I am not sure if it is month to month now. Eb does not like the fact that Spectrum raised prices to $70 a month. I get it, Spectrum is worse than Brighthouse in every way. It may be that the price gouging cable companies are doing because they have monopolies in the areas they franchise is leading more and more people to choose internet TV services and so the price of internet keeps going up. Disgusting human greed continues to amaze me.

J is a good friend, so caring and attentive. She reminded me to be careful with my dietary changes and I am, but it is so good to see someone else reminding me, someone else caring outside of my head (I know some people care, but the proof is rare and mostly belief in my head... real, but still, it's good to hear/see it from the outside). I fasted less than in the past and I am doing my best to keeping the calories low and the intake balanced. Seeing a doctor about the butt rash thing is a priority for the body as nothing I have tried has worked and it is now chronic, at least for the last three months. I just don't want to think about it enough to find every medicine I've tried, make a list, and then take the huge leap of trying to trust another doctor again. Not wanting to is not a good enough reason not to do it though. Must make myself do it soon.

None of the doctors I've seen have passed the test of being trusted and relied upon. I was hopeful about this last visit, but the lab results were not available in spite of my doing the labs 3 days before the visit and that was the time frame requested. I asked for the labs to be mailed to me but they were not in my PO Box when I checked on Saturday. I'll have to check again this week. My guess is it will simply tell me my sugar is high and that is likely why the fungus or bacteria or whatever has a good medium. I also strongly suspect this living environment is infected and no matter how much I try to clean, the fungus is among us here.

I understand the doctor's reasoning. He's highly specialized in hematology and oncology and butt rashes, anemia, blood sugar levels, kidneys, and so on are not in his area of expertise. It is in my best interest to go to a generalist/internist because my test result do not raise any concerns in his field of expertise. Even the anemia is not bad enough to raise serious concerns, according to him. Good news, but still, not helping holistically. Generalists/internists see things from a more global/holistic perspective.

The fact that I can not wash with hot enough water to satisfy myself plays a roll. That can be remedied by joining a gym for $10 a month and actually going and working out would remedy several other dissatisfaction (weight, softball strength, energy level, and more). I have been telling myself that I will hold on here a little while longer so I can pay off my car and then have an extra $400 a month for rent and living expenses, but I just checked and I still have a year before the car is paid off so living here another year in these unsanitary conditions is not wise. The doctor visit could help me with that decision. There are solutions for all of the obstacles I keep in front of me.

Enough on that subject.

For now.

I miss being cared about. I mean daily. I mean being able to text or talk to someone anytime day or night. Not that Jackson actually did care about me beyond her selfish needs (I am not sure she knows how), but it felt like she did because she was so needy and dependent and always around when we lived together. That neediness and dependency is why she has to stay away now. It's her personality to bond with and become completely dependent on an individual for emotional and communicative (and in my case, financial) support. I love to be depended upon, so it was a very symbiotic relationship, though perhaps not so healthy.

I keep coming back to thinking about her because she filled the void in my heart and psyche that is formed by my desire to care and be cared about... to love and be loved is such an important part of me... and the last person who filled the void is the easiest reference. I can head back through the years... Precious, Minnie, Toronto and the kids, Thing 1, Thing 2, Brooklyn, all the goo back to Chip and Dale and once in love with... I wonder if I left anyone out but I am not going to dive in any deeper to answer right now. I know when I am fragile and this butt rash in this environment in this body condition in this immediate space has me fragile at the moment.

Eb go back early today so I didn't get the laundry done I planned to do today. I knew I should have focused and fit it in yesterday, but I lazed and did not press myself. Got a lot done, but outside of this room the depressing landslide of filth is challenging to maintain a positive perspective and continued progress or even just maintenance of the minimal cleanliness. Dirty sheets and work pants is not the wisest place to be putting my butt. I wonder if anyone outside of my head laughs when I get so blunt. I also tap the keys harder. :)

I wonder if anyone reads between the lines. Toronto lead me to believe she could.

I want to be more excited about life again. I bounce around in my mind and sometimes in the body a whole lot more than anyone I know (my acquaintances are relatively sedentary), especially anyone at my body age. The team asked me how old I was today and everyone was shocked to hear my body age. One even asked to see my ID. Suddenly I was much older and more fragile tn they thought I was. Hopefully the atmosphere the number created will not linger for the next practice. They are a good bunch of kids, just not very good at softball lol.

Clarifying, I want to share more excitement about life again. Politics and religion, but especially current politics has most people so scared and sad and suspicious and unexcited (I don't call anger excitement in this case) these days.

Clarifying even more, I want to share more excitement about life (and everything) in person experiencing the flesh and blood and smiling eye contact of being in this physical world with other intelligent life forms.

Of course first I need to find an intelligent life form

Thumbs up to the skies again.

lol.

I love my mind. It can find humor and a positive perspective in anything. No, universe, I am not offering a challenge to test me. I think. I really don't care what happens to me, all I want to do is find someone who shares similar ability, perspective, and dance.

Sigh. I do wish humanity did not do what it does, but at least I can enjoy dancing on the sinking ship (thanks Harry).

Then, I broke don and ate four cans of food. Three soups and a spaghettios. Dangit, the week starts off very wrong. More carbs feeding the fungus and the bloat. The will power is so fleeting these days. Living here plays a big part in that as my entire well of determination caved in when I got home and found him and his mess back again. I know, get out. Easier said than done, but I must at least take some actions in that direction.

...and get my head right.

Cuz being here is not a good enough excuse.

Start again in the morning.

Your turn.

Narf :)