I Just Want Somebody To Understand

This is why I did not post here yesterday
among other reasons I don't want to think about
watching TV to distract myself from things
I don't want to think about
in a box I can't get out
alone
giving everything I've got
feeling so alone
don't want to think I live this life
unknown
I fell asleep sitting here a few times as NCIS played and finally went to bed, but checked the phone first because that was what was waking me, group text messages. So many needy people, where do they all come from. I wish I could save all of them, but I no longer have the means. I didn't have time to process a disappointing text from Jackson's sister. You may recall the details, if you read here regularly, and it sounds like the gift-or-loan terms are going to be broken in the very first month. Oh course there are extenuating circumstances. I have a decision to make. I am not sure I have all of the information.

Gibbs says, "A lot of times, people are idiots."

That's me, idiot. Of course I use the term lovingly, at least for myself. Last month I was finally getting ahead of the curve and almost a whole check was going into the bank without being touched and sure enough, the universe gives me a reason to not let that happen and I am stuck here in this cramped dirty place without my stuff living like a refugee not taking care of this body and my health as well as I should trying to save enough money to feel comfortable moving into a more expensive place even if I don't find a roommate and I don't want to think about that or how I let myself get into these situations of helping people who don't handle money well because money can't buy me love but it's the only way I keep people in my life, even temporarily.

It hurts.

So it is keeping me awake. Not great since I didn't sleep at all last night. No entry here, and I didn't sleep at all last night. What's wrong with that picture? Who cares (no really, who cares was one place that got an entry last night and another went to the bored and the caring and that is usually an excellent sign of inner creativity and productivity and housekeeping, usually good, and yeah... you did see this one, right?... so many missing pieces strewn along the way and so much more could have flowed if I only had a brain.

Yes, reaching for the deep rooted amusements and distractions.

I want to help because it feels good inside of me when I help, so it's not just altruism. I want to feel loved and to love so much I give anything, sacrifice anything just for a few moments of the emotional experience. It is what makes me happier than anything else. I mean, I cry at the end of TV shows and movies when there is some sharing of caring and that isn't even real, but I let the emotions become real in me just so I can feel.

I don't know why people seem so afraid to feel all humans can feel.

I just want somebody to understand.

Narf. :)