Yes, still, still wide awake at 4 am without a soul in sight. Still alive and kicking, though, unlike most other humans who feel too much. Oh? Robin, Karen, Harry, John, who is left to carry on, redundantly, to sing a song, going mad just to belong, feigning right to not be wrong, playing weakness to be strong, no wonder we don't stay long. No woman, no cry. To conquer death, you only have to die. What would a life be without always asking why? Imagine the high, above us only sky, to live each moment free of fear, you only have to try. One moment it becomes so easy, the moment you stop wondering why. Seriously, time, laughter is just another way to cry.
And it's alright to cry, crying lets emotions flow and grow and know they show. Love your emotions, let them go, that is what life's about - don't tell me you didn't know, don't tell me you forgot, like everybody else, because I already know. Ah, the sweet meaninglessness of it all, if you only embraced it as I do, you might stop being so afraid and remember.
So many choices, and you choose yours. Peace and love, hate and wars, so many choices, you choose yours, heart and mind, walls and doors, so many choices, you choose yours.
Love is the opening door, fear is the way to war, you choose what you are here for, some play the game, some, just keep score. Which side are you on, child...
Is there anybody going to listen to my story... well, this isn't it, but I have no idea why (should I wonder? lol) this entry gets so many comments. I realize there is a high probability that most are SPAM or BOTS, but hey, a kid can dream, right?
Fool afraid to say hello because they learned to say... goodbye. Never say goodbye.
What, me worry? lolol...
Still hanging on, never give up, never surrender, love never ends, so the dream of loving and being loved never ends.
What are you here for?
Narf :)
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Sunday, November 24, 2019
319, 185, 126, 30?
Holy shit, the babbler is dying. Just look at the numbers. We used to average at least a thousand entries a year. Back when the writing began, three rhymes a day minimum was the norm and that was just the rhymes, the other writings, letters, prose, scribbles, and other pages/posts (as paper pages gave way to internet posts over the years) were in addition to the minimum 3 rhymes per day. Now, I hardly rhyme. Ever since Toronto, the river of rhymes have diminished to a point where today, the flow has all but dried out. Now, looking at this blog over four year, the babbler is fading as well. Maybe that is one reason I hang on to the last vestige of hope for bonding with another human, the last time I trusted someone, as farcicle as it was (delusional sharing is not sharing, after all, and the truth is it was a one way sharing from the start with me giving almost all and getting scraps of crumbs when I begged for them). Hope allows for such delusions to exist and persist in the void of any real sharing, caring, or love.
Wow, seriously. Please don't explode, I won't really be serious. That could hurt a lot of people. Humans are just not ready, but that's another >story. Even the brief daily, the compromise for the attention I seek on the web, the hope that writing shorter entries might bring back readers who tired of the meandering babbles, that never actually worked, has diminished to a stagger and is no longer daily. Again, the numbers do not lie (shudder). 268, 222, 587, 238?...
Number 9, number 9... you say you want what?... So we face the facts, gallows they may be, the brief daily is almost as dry, considering it is the daily. Food has been a dominating subject, even though the food blog has gone silent, dormant, inedible. The silence in body blog reflects how poorly I am caring for the body and how little thought I am giving that. Personal assessment, apathy and self-destruction. So human, so what? S I've succeeded in my cause, my endeavor, my mission to become human like everybody else. Ignorant, so where is the bliss?
Don't you remember? Weren't you there on Diaryland? I mean, Diaryland? All those years ago... Not the first, far from the first, but it was a new beginning. Where you there when the first blogger blog started here? Blogger? Yes, I know it was decades after the first writings in those scattered pages in boxes in storage near Niagara Falls (slowly we turn), but we're trying to make a point about history here. The early years (online "somewhere" below, sort of, yes I now I was online two decades before the first Blogger, shut up and pay attention and give reverence to this historical paragraph), when babble was king. Before we tried to conform to brevity. Even before the babbled there was . and the first public diary entry:
and it flowed from there into love (long lost illusions, now, but as real as ever, maybe lol, one never knows, do we?... it just gets deeper if you only knew, but this parentheses contains a whole other world that reminds me how easy it is to forget and remember and we'll return you now to our regularly scheduled babble) into the rhymes. As you may have noticed, I mention I was babbling on my website for years, deleted by the greedy free web corporations, but not completely lost, though that link might get you lost (the past if a fickle mistress to try to get through), but you can reach farther back to the beginning of the first online blog or even earlier in my friend searches and even find snips of the first writings I did in life, somewhere.
Meanwhile, out in the world, men continue to control women's bodies People controlling other people is the way of humanity. Forcing others to do what you want them to do is the primary purpose of religion. Conformity, obedience, authority rule by any means necessary, that is the human being's belief system. The limits of the human mind lead people to believe this is the only way to insure peace. Yet, with heads firmly planted in the sand (or up our asses), we refuse to accept that it has been a complete failure. Ignore the constant drums of war that insure nothing but self-destruction and leave it to nature to decide if any sentient beings will be around to explain the stupidity of humanity, once humanity is gone.
See why I spend most of my babbling time focused on the mundane details, the ridiculous drama, and the finite dirt in my immediate environment? Why waste my time pondering a species determined to destroy everything when they ignore anything that might stop them.
Not done yet... I mean, I could have written just this:
...but you're not Jackson, after all, so I don't even try to be brief. I even added to the above the amuse and confuse. never brever... t. Except in the brief daily, which is elsewhere. Never give up, never surrender, (e)thereal! I have no idea why this entry gets so many comments. I realize there is a high probability that most are SPAM or BOTS, but hey, a kid can dream, right?
This is not finished, so... tune in again another day for more...
Wow, seriously. Please don't explode, I won't really be serious. That could hurt a lot of people. Humans are just not ready, but that's another >story. Even the brief daily, the compromise for the attention I seek on the web, the hope that writing shorter entries might bring back readers who tired of the meandering babbles, that never actually worked, has diminished to a stagger and is no longer daily. Again, the numbers do not lie (shudder). 268, 222, 587, 238?...
Number 9, number 9... you say you want what?... So we face the facts, gallows they may be, the brief daily is almost as dry, considering it is the daily. Food has been a dominating subject, even though the food blog has gone silent, dormant, inedible. The silence in body blog reflects how poorly I am caring for the body and how little thought I am giving that. Personal assessment, apathy and self-destruction. So human, so what? S I've succeeded in my cause, my endeavor, my mission to become human like everybody else. Ignorant, so where is the bliss?
Don't you remember? Weren't you there on Diaryland? I mean, Diaryland? All those years ago... Not the first, far from the first, but it was a new beginning. Where you there when the first blogger blog started here? Blogger? Yes, I know it was decades after the first writings in those scattered pages in boxes in storage near Niagara Falls (slowly we turn), but we're trying to make a point about history here. The early years (online "somewhere" below, sort of, yes I now I was online two decades before the first Blogger, shut up and pay attention and give reverence to this historical paragraph), when babble was king. Before we tried to conform to brevity. Even before the babbled there was . and the first public diary entry:
entering diaryland
so this is diaryland... why am I here?... do I want attention?... after years of writing a journal of sorts on my website in which I call out for attention, that seems like a foolish question... and yet, if I really want more attention, why didn't I create a more public journal or diary like this before?... shy?... timid?... vulnerable?... complicated?... as if you have answers...
dear readers (should you find these words)... I am here to share words... may you find some worth in the time you spend reading... may you find even more worth in the content (and may I find content with which we can both be content one day... actually, I'd prefer touched, moved, inspired, excited, ecstatic, even intrigued to content... adored would be good too)...
does it work?
and it flowed from there into love (long lost illusions, now, but as real as ever, maybe lol, one never knows, do we?... it just gets deeper if you only knew, but this parentheses contains a whole other world that reminds me how easy it is to forget and remember and we'll return you now to our regularly scheduled babble) into the rhymes. As you may have noticed, I mention I was babbling on my website for years, deleted by the greedy free web corporations, but not completely lost, though that link might get you lost (the past if a fickle mistress to try to get through), but you can reach farther back to the beginning of the first online blog or even earlier in my friend searches and even find snips of the first writings I did in life, somewhere.
Meanwhile, out in the world, men continue to control women's bodies People controlling other people is the way of humanity. Forcing others to do what you want them to do is the primary purpose of religion. Conformity, obedience, authority rule by any means necessary, that is the human being's belief system. The limits of the human mind lead people to believe this is the only way to insure peace. Yet, with heads firmly planted in the sand (or up our asses), we refuse to accept that it has been a complete failure. Ignore the constant drums of war that insure nothing but self-destruction and leave it to nature to decide if any sentient beings will be around to explain the stupidity of humanity, once humanity is gone.
See why I spend most of my babbling time focused on the mundane details, the ridiculous drama, and the finite dirt in my immediate environment? Why waste my time pondering a species determined to destroy everything when they ignore anything that might stop them.
Not done yet... I mean, I could have written just this:
Mostly, I ramble.
Like this, sometimes. Other times, like that, whatever that is. I like letting my mind wander relatively anywhere and appearing like a blithering idiot scribbling meaningless babble without rhyme nor reason, but somewhere in there is so much profound sensitivity and love, it will burn anything it touches. Human brain cells are just not ready for what goes on in my head. Human beings are just not ready for me, so I play at being a fool, fat blubbering dodo, so they all ignore me. That way I don't have to actually conform and interact, which requires conformity. See how mundane and dull I can be when and whenever? Poof, and I'm gone.
Still, I so wish someone could handle my madness. That's not me, by the way, it's one of the others I call mine from time to time. Look it up.
I'll stop now, hoping this is not already too much, like below. Below was good though, wasn't it? You'll just have to look that up too.
Thanks for caring. hl, me
...but you're not Jackson, after all, so I don't even try to be brief. I even added to the above the amuse and confuse. never brever... t. Except in the brief daily, which is elsewhere. Never give up, never surrender, (e)thereal! I have no idea why this entry gets so many comments. I realize there is a high probability that most are SPAM or BOTS, but hey, a kid can dream, right?
This is not finished, so... tune in again another day for more...
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Don't Let The Laughter Fool You
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Or even more, the non-laughter. Anti-laughter? Dirt, drama, and details. Promotional materials not withstanding. I wonder what your bottom feels like, your buns, your cheeks, and would you want me to know? What if I told you that I cringe with I feel flabbiness and experience nausea when I feel fat? Still want me to know. That eliminated 98% of you, no doubt. It is all part of the plan, after all, because I will only want one of you when I find you. All I ever needed, after all, again, the one. I wish no one any harm, especially not me. Dishonesty harms me.
Fear hides in lies, and vice versa. I wish everyone was honest, even if what is said is not what I want to hear, honesty is so much better than anything else. Why anyone would call honesty anything but the best thing that we could possibly do is something I do not understand. I am certain enough of this truth that I may appear arrogant or worse in some eyes, or minds, but I only ask for truth from this world. I don't want anything else.
The one understands and agrees.
And that is all I need.
Wanting something so much that it can be considered a need, which may be the greatest illusion of all, is a rarity for me. Proliferous preposterousness. Can you believe it? What is true is what you believe to be true, after all. Didn't you know? Well, believe it or not, it is true. And just when you think you've been overwhelmed by contradiction, you can find peace inside. You can find anything inside, if you want it. You just have to want it enough, more than anything else, and choose not to let anything get in the way.
Who will be there when I die
When this body gives up on life
when I withdraw so deep inside
that breathing stops
Who can be gentle enough
to dismantle all the walls
and return to the peak of life
when breathing starts
Who can be so free
to share honesty
before fear shut down
curiosity
Who can be so real
to expose all you feel
holding back nothing
is that too ideal?
Why are we alive, anyway?
What matters the most, can you say?
Is it all just one more game to play?
From the first up to the final day?
Who will share unconditional trust
just one more time?
Who can share the words
and be my rhyme?
You could listen and still not hear. You could look and still not see. You could go back to the almost beginning. And still not know how to find me. Maybe.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Remember? You just need to know where to look, and how to see.
lol The eyes have it.
Honesty.
Narf :)
Or even more, the non-laughter. Anti-laughter? Dirt, drama, and details. Promotional materials not withstanding. I wonder what your bottom feels like, your buns, your cheeks, and would you want me to know? What if I told you that I cringe with I feel flabbiness and experience nausea when I feel fat? Still want me to know. That eliminated 98% of you, no doubt. It is all part of the plan, after all, because I will only want one of you when I find you. All I ever needed, after all, again, the one. I wish no one any harm, especially not me. Dishonesty harms me.
Fear hides in lies, and vice versa. I wish everyone was honest, even if what is said is not what I want to hear, honesty is so much better than anything else. Why anyone would call honesty anything but the best thing that we could possibly do is something I do not understand. I am certain enough of this truth that I may appear arrogant or worse in some eyes, or minds, but I only ask for truth from this world. I don't want anything else.
The one understands and agrees.
And that is all I need.
Wanting something so much that it can be considered a need, which may be the greatest illusion of all, is a rarity for me. Proliferous preposterousness. Can you believe it? What is true is what you believe to be true, after all. Didn't you know? Well, believe it or not, it is true. And just when you think you've been overwhelmed by contradiction, you can find peace inside. You can find anything inside, if you want it. You just have to want it enough, more than anything else, and choose not to let anything get in the way.
When this body gives up on life
when I withdraw so deep inside
that breathing stops
Who can be gentle enough
to dismantle all the walls
and return to the peak of life
when breathing starts
Who can be so free
to share honesty
before fear shut down
curiosity
Who can be so real
to expose all you feel
holding back nothing
is that too ideal?
Why are we alive, anyway?
What matters the most, can you say?
Is it all just one more game to play?
From the first up to the final day?
Who will share unconditional trust
just one more time?
Who can share the words
and be my rhyme?
You could listen and still not hear. You could look and still not see. You could go back to the almost beginning. And still not know how to find me. Maybe.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Remember? You just need to know where to look, and how to see.
lol The eyes have it.
Honesty.
Narf :)
Saturday, November 16, 2019
Plans Are for Sissies
I find plans are so often changed that I learned a long time ago to not care much about plans. I do my best to remember them and meet others when we schedule time together but suddenly changing plans do not upset my equilibrium nearly as much as they seem to do for others. Living in the moment has always been my way, even when the moment might be seriously nostalgic (and lots of moments are) or exploring dreams of tomorrows. I learned how to roll with the flow, adapt to sudden changes, and enjoy the spontaneity of life and usually actually look forward to it. I even love getting lost and finding my way back to wherever I intended to go by exploring different paths. So while I am teasing myself and planners in the title, I laugh at the folly of plans when plans don't quite go according to, well, plans.
Two days ago TA said he was glad the kids were not here this week because both have colds. They seem to be sick a few times a year, especially the little one. So I wake up, head in the bathroom for a shower, and before I start I hear her coughing and calling for daddy. Her cough sounds like a whooping-cough an she doesn't cover her mouth, even when standing in front of the open fridge, so no cooking for me while she's here, no using the kitchen, guess who starts a weekend fast right now? And I bought all this food in the fridge that doesn't need cooking. May be garbage now. Alas, living with kids more than I planned, but I still love the space. If she spent more time out of the kitchen central to the place, it might not be so intrusive, but that's her favorite room and it's usually a mess because she doesn't clean up behind herself, makes goop, slime, and other sticky stuff, and leaves her stuff everywhere. She's sitting in the kitchen coughing now. TA just coughed too. She sleeps in his bed, so he'll be sick too soon, f he isn't already. Parents need rest and boundaries too, but that's life with kids, not much of either.
This was not supposed to be a kids weekend and that, combined with the cold germs flying through the air, and my filter-less wake-up babbling process, bring this entry to the fold. Not complaining, processing, in case you jut read the words and don't care to know the deeper reasons and meanings. Empathy is now winning out, as usual, as is my nurturing core, so I'll encourage her to stay here and rest if TA wants that. He said she's just here for the morning cuz her mom is working today. I mean, I don't want to be sick and I've noticed this body kicking the immune system into gear after they spent Wednesday night here, but caring and nurturing is in my nature and even tough I have learned to stop doing it as actively as I used to, out of respect for others as much as out of protection for myself, I still love the giving of time, energy, and space of caring for others. That was my profession for most of this life, after all. I miss the cuddling, the intimacy, the trust, and the gift of giving all of my sensitivity and attention and self to a therapeutic interaction, but I am at a stage in life where I want to separate from humanity more than I have in the past. Maybe it is preparing for death. People do not handle that well, after all.
So anyway, I woke up rested and bubbly, which is why I a writing and not brooding over the recently rising loneliness and lack of privacy, and this bit of babble has be bubbling again. I intend to withdraw into my world and write more and finish laundry (though TA already threw a load in so I'll start again after he's done because I left my work pants in the dryer and they may need to be washed again to get wrinkles out. They spent two hours in the dryer last night and the load was still not dried well. I don't think the dryer is circulating air. It gets hot, so clothes bake instead of drying. That is one reason I only wear five pairs of pants, one for each work day, and leave all the others in the closet. They are getting worn out in his washer and dryer and I don't want that to happen to the rest of my clothes. Shirts are starting to show the wear too. Underwear doesn't last more than a half dozen wash/dry cycles. Clothes aren't made to be steam-baked lol. I miss my washer/dryer.
So what else is new? Busy busy busy work these days, haven't gotten out to the parks and inspections in several weeks, at least. The other departments and contractors have dragged their feet and are way behind the ETAs they scheduled, so the County Manager's office (CMO) and Commissioners are asking why they don't see progress on the project and my boss, who is Project Manager, is going to be on the hot seat Monday when he meets with the Deputy County Manager to explain the delays. Unfortunately, poor planning from the start, bringing key players in way too late, and very unreliable other managers have put him behind an eight ball and he does not have time to crack a whip on every step of every detail every single day, but that is what is needed on this one. So I basically took the role of project manager this week and I've been pushing for answers from others who are behind on their schedules. They are lucky I am only CCing my boss, because if the CMO saw my questions and their lack of answers (or excuses), they might not have jobs or contracts. If I was in charge, we'd be replacing at least one high level manager and we'd be looking for other contractors.
Around the house, beyond this mornings surprises and the usual whatever, the kitchen didn't stay clean and tidy for long as the clutter, crumbs, stickies, and other debris returned to the counters within a day or two. The sink remains full of dishes and the clean stuff in the dishwasher remains in the dishwasher. Eventually, I'll get tired of the mess and fill the dishwasher again, usually emptying it before I do, but sometimes... well, the rebel child remains active in my brain lol. I keep a small portion of counter clean for my food prep and cooking and leave the stuff from last weekend's tacos TA cooked up for hi and the kids and the rest as it is. Not as big a deal as it might have been for me when I was younger, I've accepted people and their habits when sharing space and work around any untidiness that comes with. He did get the garbage out Thursday, which is good because it was a week's worth as Monday was a holiday and I slept through the morning.
My cluttered unpacking process remains a mess in my living sauces, but there's no food for bugs or germs in my stuff. I may unpack a few more garage boxes today, or at least bring a few more into the living room where they have a better chance of being unpacked, being right under my nose lol. Did I give the impression I was some sort of neat freak in the previous paragraph (or ever, for that matter)? lam, oh just roll with the babbling dissatisfaction with the imperfections of life and forget them as quickly as I do and you'll not only live a much happier, less stressed life, but you may even come to some bit of understanding me one of these days.
Writing and revealing continues even though I don't mention it much.
I watched The World According to Jeff Goldblum and still would have liked him as a friend, but worse, I want ice cream now. Not his flavor though, way too too green I think, even if I was curious about the flower's taste. Lunch was a meatloaf sandwich on onion roll with chocolate milk. I think I am going to turn on the new Captain America with what's her name now while I either vege or look through some boxes or both. I do miss sharing dinners out with friends, but I do enjoy watching my bank account rise, so incentive to initiate spending money is at a low ebb these days. Any wonder why the loneliness is on the rise? I suppose I should masturbate, or something like that. Always better when not planned, ya know?
So what's your Saturday turning out to be?
Hope it's fun too :)
Narf :)
Two days ago TA said he was glad the kids were not here this week because both have colds. They seem to be sick a few times a year, especially the little one. So I wake up, head in the bathroom for a shower, and before I start I hear her coughing and calling for daddy. Her cough sounds like a whooping-cough an she doesn't cover her mouth, even when standing in front of the open fridge, so no cooking for me while she's here, no using the kitchen, guess who starts a weekend fast right now? And I bought all this food in the fridge that doesn't need cooking. May be garbage now. Alas, living with kids more than I planned, but I still love the space. If she spent more time out of the kitchen central to the place, it might not be so intrusive, but that's her favorite room and it's usually a mess because she doesn't clean up behind herself, makes goop, slime, and other sticky stuff, and leaves her stuff everywhere. She's sitting in the kitchen coughing now. TA just coughed too. She sleeps in his bed, so he'll be sick too soon, f he isn't already. Parents need rest and boundaries too, but that's life with kids, not much of either.
This was not supposed to be a kids weekend and that, combined with the cold germs flying through the air, and my filter-less wake-up babbling process, bring this entry to the fold. Not complaining, processing, in case you jut read the words and don't care to know the deeper reasons and meanings. Empathy is now winning out, as usual, as is my nurturing core, so I'll encourage her to stay here and rest if TA wants that. He said she's just here for the morning cuz her mom is working today. I mean, I don't want to be sick and I've noticed this body kicking the immune system into gear after they spent Wednesday night here, but caring and nurturing is in my nature and even tough I have learned to stop doing it as actively as I used to, out of respect for others as much as out of protection for myself, I still love the giving of time, energy, and space of caring for others. That was my profession for most of this life, after all. I miss the cuddling, the intimacy, the trust, and the gift of giving all of my sensitivity and attention and self to a therapeutic interaction, but I am at a stage in life where I want to separate from humanity more than I have in the past. Maybe it is preparing for death. People do not handle that well, after all.
So anyway, I woke up rested and bubbly, which is why I a writing and not brooding over the recently rising loneliness and lack of privacy, and this bit of babble has be bubbling again. I intend to withdraw into my world and write more and finish laundry (though TA already threw a load in so I'll start again after he's done because I left my work pants in the dryer and they may need to be washed again to get wrinkles out. They spent two hours in the dryer last night and the load was still not dried well. I don't think the dryer is circulating air. It gets hot, so clothes bake instead of drying. That is one reason I only wear five pairs of pants, one for each work day, and leave all the others in the closet. They are getting worn out in his washer and dryer and I don't want that to happen to the rest of my clothes. Shirts are starting to show the wear too. Underwear doesn't last more than a half dozen wash/dry cycles. Clothes aren't made to be steam-baked lol. I miss my washer/dryer.
So what else is new? Busy busy busy work these days, haven't gotten out to the parks and inspections in several weeks, at least. The other departments and contractors have dragged their feet and are way behind the ETAs they scheduled, so the County Manager's office (CMO) and Commissioners are asking why they don't see progress on the project and my boss, who is Project Manager, is going to be on the hot seat Monday when he meets with the Deputy County Manager to explain the delays. Unfortunately, poor planning from the start, bringing key players in way too late, and very unreliable other managers have put him behind an eight ball and he does not have time to crack a whip on every step of every detail every single day, but that is what is needed on this one. So I basically took the role of project manager this week and I've been pushing for answers from others who are behind on their schedules. They are lucky I am only CCing my boss, because if the CMO saw my questions and their lack of answers (or excuses), they might not have jobs or contracts. If I was in charge, we'd be replacing at least one high level manager and we'd be looking for other contractors.
Around the house, beyond this mornings surprises and the usual whatever, the kitchen didn't stay clean and tidy for long as the clutter, crumbs, stickies, and other debris returned to the counters within a day or two. The sink remains full of dishes and the clean stuff in the dishwasher remains in the dishwasher. Eventually, I'll get tired of the mess and fill the dishwasher again, usually emptying it before I do, but sometimes... well, the rebel child remains active in my brain lol. I keep a small portion of counter clean for my food prep and cooking and leave the stuff from last weekend's tacos TA cooked up for hi and the kids and the rest as it is. Not as big a deal as it might have been for me when I was younger, I've accepted people and their habits when sharing space and work around any untidiness that comes with. He did get the garbage out Thursday, which is good because it was a week's worth as Monday was a holiday and I slept through the morning.
My cluttered unpacking process remains a mess in my living sauces, but there's no food for bugs or germs in my stuff. I may unpack a few more garage boxes today, or at least bring a few more into the living room where they have a better chance of being unpacked, being right under my nose lol. Did I give the impression I was some sort of neat freak in the previous paragraph (or ever, for that matter)? lam, oh just roll with the babbling dissatisfaction with the imperfections of life and forget them as quickly as I do and you'll not only live a much happier, less stressed life, but you may even come to some bit of understanding me one of these days.
Writing and revealing continues even though I don't mention it much.
I watched The World According to Jeff Goldblum and still would have liked him as a friend, but worse, I want ice cream now. Not his flavor though, way too too green I think, even if I was curious about the flower's taste. Lunch was a meatloaf sandwich on onion roll with chocolate milk. I think I am going to turn on the new Captain America with what's her name now while I either vege or look through some boxes or both. I do miss sharing dinners out with friends, but I do enjoy watching my bank account rise, so incentive to initiate spending money is at a low ebb these days. Any wonder why the loneliness is on the rise? I suppose I should masturbate, or something like that. Always better when not planned, ya know?
So what's your Saturday turning out to be?
Hope it's fun too :)
Narf :)
Monday, November 11, 2019
Almost Babbling
It's only words
This is not done, but it's here anyway...
Anyway, awake, I wrote some more bits in the previous blog (which is designed to never end, like most everything I write, cuz the end is only the end if you believe in endings... did you ever noticed that we are defined as much, if not more by what we don't believe in than what we do believe in?... believe me, it's a cofugation (or confutation, depending on perspective), at least, sometimes a conundrum, even), and finally uploaded Zis, which should be an celebration celebrated by celebrities and us plain folk alike more often than annually, so feel free to join in today and sing along... Happy Birthday to Z, Happy Birthday to Z, Happy Birthday Dear Z0tl, Happy Birthday to you! Exclaim it, even.
Motivation to rearrange (and clean a bit) the space soared this morning and the garage is redesigned to accommodate a lot more open space and stuff. I've been bouncy bouncy for at least a couple of hours, maybe longer. Do you keep track of time on weekends? All those calories from last night are burning through my system (and I do mean burning... especially the buffalo wings and the Nashville hot wings, which were the best of the three types of KFC wings I tried last night. Yes, binge eating happened, as you might be able to tell if I ever upload the previous entry lol. Some people get heartburn, but I am one of the lucky ones with a cast iron stomach and I can hardly remember ever getting heartburn in this life (must have a strong lower esophageal sphincter. I do occasionally feel assburn though. Obviously you were just dying to know, and naturally I don't want you to die, so you're welcome.
This could have been a contender, but I stepped away for a while and future entries may explain why, but much was done. You should have been here, cuz then you'd already know and even more would have gotten done, and fun.
Enjoy life, in spite of the madness.
This morning, my alarm woke me. After I his snooze for the third or fourth time, I remembered it may be a holiday and I checked the internet and sure enough, my offices are closed today. I went to the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep for another three hours. Such sweet sleep, the extra three hours. Maybe I should get a holiday calendar, or at least check my phone calendar, before I turn on my alarm, aye? I fell asleep in the recliner though, so when I crawled into bed about 3 AM, I wasn't checking anything but the pillows lol.
The wonderful feeling of sleeping in, the extra three hours of sleep, the feeling of extra time to do anything I please today (except shop for that dang elliptical, cuz stores are closed, I think lol). instead of writing, though, which I was excited about a little while ago, I turned on the TV and indulged some mindless observation of humans acting out the human delusions that dominate most human lives. Te deeper layer of irony (or planning) to cast a very multicultural cast with black leads adds curiosity, especially since there has not been much, if any, racial references that usually accompany shows with black leads. I wonder if they did that on purpose. Maybe the most attractive connection for the show is the lead female's body (eye candy is usually why I choose to watch a show more than once, given the lack of originality or interesting writing on TV), but the Brooklyn pizza has to be tugging on my subconscious. Yes, the foodie is that dominant, pizza is that important, and the personal memory of the best foodie experiences I've ever known is the biggest draw. I truly do not believe I want to move back there, but I definitely had a much much bigger and more rewarding social life, bigger financial success (and potential), more autonomy and responsibility in my profession, and the sense that there was a lot more intelligence around me, especially professionally (but also socially... or maybe it was the commonalities in the school system so many of the people living there shared and not any better actual education, maybe, but the awareness and social conscience and atmosphere of NYC is not like any anywhere in the world and I've always missed it), and deeper stuff too.
See what I mean? A little extra sleep. I'll stop there for now, at least here in this brief blog, just to be irreverent, casual, cavalier, snarky, flippant, or shifts and giggles, or something like that.
Ok, so a comment on a previous post mentioned following me here in this blog and that lead me to wonder who follows me and I had to google how to see who follows a blog and found that one person follows this blog, a person who has been around in the periphery of the blog world as I know it since the diaryland days, almost twenty years ago, so this comment may not be as valid, real, or true as it claims. I'll take the praise anyway lol. Wondering about the one follower lead me to look up the name on google and I found the diaryland account, not closed and locked and if I ever had the password, it's on a computer long dead, so no access there. Google then lead me to a Twitter . . . Youtube (which was updated yesterday, so maybe she will see I subscribed to her channel and maybe the video she posted yesterday will help someone, but you know me, I don't like listening to know-it-all types, sales pitches, preachers, or delusions (outside of therapy), especially when they shout, so I turned it off after less than a minute... after a short video that I added to my "random like why?" and then, after three ridiculously long commercials that I couldn't skip passed, which is very odd and got me thinking Youtube didn't want me to watch the video and oridinarilly, I might have skipped it {if I didn't have nothing to do today on my extra day off}, I watched this video and I applauded and you should too (and it leads to a whole new world for most people, but that's a whole 'nother entry, or book, for that matter. Call it profound or whatever, and if you are offended, I pity your limited mind and hope you open yourself to ideas that scare you before you destroy the world... anyway, that was followed by a video showing 8 bread recipes and a video that had me asking {with laughter and meaning no disrespect} who is this guy and why am I watching?, which lead me to further ponder if my "favorites" list would be as eclectic as hers and whether t would reperesent me at all in the first five or en videos, which is another long entry that may never be written, but... so we never know where these tangents will take us, aye?) DeviantArt and bandcamp and goggle images (which may not be connected at all, given google's algorithms are largely ad-based and therefor skewed like every other corporate search engine out there... I miss the internet when it was not corporate owned) and more and I may explore some if this laptop can handle it. Anyway, She remains a mystery to me for the moment, dear Beth from Canada, and I shall forever be grateful for the sense of continuity her following me for twenty years through many blog changes brings to my mind. And then it lead me to this, which is my latest new page on the internet. Amazing, no doubt.
Meanwhile, to the many Anonymouses leaving comments all over my blogs, thank you too. I wonder if any of you are real, which can lessen the impact of your comments, but I still also wonder if you've been around, if you are real, and what you really think. Who are you now, first anonymous of mine lol.
But the really exciting news is all that lead me to my email (which still gets opened and checked only occasionally for various odd reasons like this one today) and I found joyousness in the brief words from my old friend cuz those words told me the body still breathed and I am so very happy he is still alive, no matter how sad he may be. Feeling dead? Call me. I might not be able to afford airfare to visit, but I'll send love any way I can.
There was more, like an email simply saying hello from this meetup profile and after I approved the friend request, a message came and FB locked the contents for violating their rules. I posted a few things toone of my pages, but the I semi-lost interest after that cuz what's going to compare with hearing from a dear old friend, right? I wandered off into life offline, moved some stuff around, showered, cleaned the kitchen, then TA got home and we chated while I pondered dinner. With defrosted fish, liver, and other stuff in the fridge, I abandoned the internet and this amazing blog.
Narf :)
This is not done, but it's here anyway...
Anyway, awake, I wrote some more bits in the previous blog (which is designed to never end, like most everything I write, cuz the end is only the end if you believe in endings... did you ever noticed that we are defined as much, if not more by what we don't believe in than what we do believe in?... believe me, it's a cofugation (or confutation, depending on perspective), at least, sometimes a conundrum, even), and finally uploaded Zis, which should be an celebration celebrated by celebrities and us plain folk alike more often than annually, so feel free to join in today and sing along... Happy Birthday to Z, Happy Birthday to Z, Happy Birthday Dear Z0tl, Happy Birthday to you! Exclaim it, even.
Motivation to rearrange (and clean a bit) the space soared this morning and the garage is redesigned to accommodate a lot more open space and stuff. I've been bouncy bouncy for at least a couple of hours, maybe longer. Do you keep track of time on weekends? All those calories from last night are burning through my system (and I do mean burning... especially the buffalo wings and the Nashville hot wings, which were the best of the three types of KFC wings I tried last night. Yes, binge eating happened, as you might be able to tell if I ever upload the previous entry lol. Some people get heartburn, but I am one of the lucky ones with a cast iron stomach and I can hardly remember ever getting heartburn in this life (must have a strong lower esophageal sphincter. I do occasionally feel assburn though. Obviously you were just dying to know, and naturally I don't want you to die, so you're welcome.
This could have been a contender, but I stepped away for a while and future entries may explain why, but much was done. You should have been here, cuz then you'd already know and even more would have gotten done, and fun.
Enjoy life, in spite of the madness.
This morning, my alarm woke me. After I his snooze for the third or fourth time, I remembered it may be a holiday and I checked the internet and sure enough, my offices are closed today. I went to the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep for another three hours. Such sweet sleep, the extra three hours. Maybe I should get a holiday calendar, or at least check my phone calendar, before I turn on my alarm, aye? I fell asleep in the recliner though, so when I crawled into bed about 3 AM, I wasn't checking anything but the pillows lol.
The wonderful feeling of sleeping in, the extra three hours of sleep, the feeling of extra time to do anything I please today (except shop for that dang elliptical, cuz stores are closed, I think lol). instead of writing, though, which I was excited about a little while ago, I turned on the TV and indulged some mindless observation of humans acting out the human delusions that dominate most human lives. Te deeper layer of irony (or planning) to cast a very multicultural cast with black leads adds curiosity, especially since there has not been much, if any, racial references that usually accompany shows with black leads. I wonder if they did that on purpose. Maybe the most attractive connection for the show is the lead female's body (eye candy is usually why I choose to watch a show more than once, given the lack of originality or interesting writing on TV), but the Brooklyn pizza has to be tugging on my subconscious. Yes, the foodie is that dominant, pizza is that important, and the personal memory of the best foodie experiences I've ever known is the biggest draw. I truly do not believe I want to move back there, but I definitely had a much much bigger and more rewarding social life, bigger financial success (and potential), more autonomy and responsibility in my profession, and the sense that there was a lot more intelligence around me, especially professionally (but also socially... or maybe it was the commonalities in the school system so many of the people living there shared and not any better actual education, maybe, but the awareness and social conscience and atmosphere of NYC is not like any anywhere in the world and I've always missed it), and deeper stuff too.
See what I mean? A little extra sleep. I'll stop there for now, at least here in this brief blog, just to be irreverent, casual, cavalier, snarky, flippant, or shifts and giggles, or something like that.
Ok, so a comment on a previous post mentioned following me here in this blog and that lead me to wonder who follows me and I had to google how to see who follows a blog and found that one person follows this blog, a person who has been around in the periphery of the blog world as I know it since the diaryland days, almost twenty years ago, so this comment may not be as valid, real, or true as it claims. I'll take the praise anyway lol. Wondering about the one follower lead me to look up the name on google and I found the diaryland account, not closed and locked and if I ever had the password, it's on a computer long dead, so no access there. Google then lead me to a Twitter . . . Youtube (which was updated yesterday, so maybe she will see I subscribed to her channel and maybe the video she posted yesterday will help someone, but you know me, I don't like listening to know-it-all types, sales pitches, preachers, or delusions (outside of therapy), especially when they shout, so I turned it off after less than a minute... after a short video that I added to my "random like why?" and then, after three ridiculously long commercials that I couldn't skip passed, which is very odd and got me thinking Youtube didn't want me to watch the video and oridinarilly, I might have skipped it {if I didn't have nothing to do today on my extra day off}, I watched this video and I applauded and you should too (and it leads to a whole new world for most people, but that's a whole 'nother entry, or book, for that matter. Call it profound or whatever, and if you are offended, I pity your limited mind and hope you open yourself to ideas that scare you before you destroy the world... anyway, that was followed by a video showing 8 bread recipes and a video that had me asking {with laughter and meaning no disrespect} who is this guy and why am I watching?, which lead me to further ponder if my "favorites" list would be as eclectic as hers and whether t would reperesent me at all in the first five or en videos, which is another long entry that may never be written, but... so we never know where these tangents will take us, aye?) DeviantArt and bandcamp and goggle images (which may not be connected at all, given google's algorithms are largely ad-based and therefor skewed like every other corporate search engine out there... I miss the internet when it was not corporate owned) and more and I may explore some if this laptop can handle it. Anyway, She remains a mystery to me for the moment, dear Beth from Canada, and I shall forever be grateful for the sense of continuity her following me for twenty years through many blog changes brings to my mind. And then it lead me to this, which is my latest new page on the internet. Amazing, no doubt.
Meanwhile, to the many Anonymouses leaving comments all over my blogs, thank you too. I wonder if any of you are real, which can lessen the impact of your comments, but I still also wonder if you've been around, if you are real, and what you really think. Who are you now, first anonymous of mine lol.
But the really exciting news is all that lead me to my email (which still gets opened and checked only occasionally for various odd reasons like this one today) and I found joyousness in the brief words from my old friend cuz those words told me the body still breathed and I am so very happy he is still alive, no matter how sad he may be. Feeling dead? Call me. I might not be able to afford airfare to visit, but I'll send love any way I can.
There was more, like an email simply saying hello from this meetup profile and after I approved the friend request, a message came and FB locked the contents for violating their rules. I posted a few things toone of my pages, but the I semi-lost interest after that cuz what's going to compare with hearing from a dear old friend, right? I wandered off into life offline, moved some stuff around, showered, cleaned the kitchen, then TA got home and we chated while I pondered dinner. With defrosted fish, liver, and other stuff in the fridge, I abandoned the internet and this amazing blog.
Narf :)
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
So Sweet, It's Bitter
Talking ‘bout Stevia, that plant-based extract of potent sweetness. Who decides what is sweet, anyway? I mean, who’s taste buds? Is there a universal definition for sweetness? Empirically measurable physical characteristics? Aren’t human perceptions subjective and therefore challenging to measure precisely, not less exactly? Can you say without certain that your eyes perceive exactly what my ees perceive, cone by cone, rod by rod, synapse by synapse, receptor by receptor, cell by cell? Whats important is how we interpret our sense, not precisely what they tell our brains, but that may be another trail of thought.
Sweetness, like beauty or anything, just may be in the eye, or in this case, tongue of the beholder. Certainly let’s not forget the brain, where everything perceived by our senses is processed, interpreted, combined with everything else, including our imagination, and given some sort of explanation so it can be understood. How unique is each brain? I don't mean in physical characteristics, I mean in cognitive functioning. Think well ever map every cell and synapse and then be able to measure whatever is going on in each precisely? And then, who decides how to perceive what we discover? An endless loop of questions seems to be a very likely outcome. Will we ever know everything? And would knowing everything be as sweet as we might imagine? Yes, so we come back around to what may be an arbitrary (and perhaps scientifically unanswerable) largely philosophical question, what is sweet?
Sure, we can give names to body parts and discover how the physical processes and biochemistry works, but can we define the concept of sweetness? We go to the internet to see what people have said about this. Wikipedia tells us that there is something called sweetness science which lead s to a sweetness scale (which reminds me of the hotness scale, but that's another story that reminds me to stop at the post office tomorrow to pick up some hot sauces I ordered... hopefully I'll remember to remember tomorrow, aye?), which may have some validity, but only if one tests it out on themself to merge the collective subjective with the individual subjective experience of senses. My tongue isn't your tongue, after all, or brain or experience or preferences or so on.
There are lesson plans for teachers that take the subjectivity to a whole new level, maybe that's how creationsts feel about teaching evolution. but I'm only guessing because I ave no clue what forms those delusions. The LA Times ran an article about the sweetness of artificial sweeteners when we look for news about sweetness. Does anybody expect long term use of lab-created chemicals to trick our brain to turn out well? Especially since profit motive is the primary guiding force behind the creation of these chemicals, for me, it's just one more suicidal decision in a long line of suicidal decisions we humans make all the time. On that note, I refer you to sweetness for dummies and trivia,which may be all we can really do about answering this question, keep it simple and try to have some fun with it.
Anyway, all this came about because I dropped too much stevia into a drink and it was so sweet, it seemed bitter. To my taste perception, at least. Yes, accidental overdose of a plant-based sweetener brought on this babble. Hope it was worth your time, or amusing, even.
Entertainment can be sweet when it inspires a smile.
Narf :)
Naturally we find a range from hard scientific papers to tongue-in-cheek trivia designed for amusement more than education and the almost obligatory for dummies offerings when we google ”what is sweet?“ ”what is sweetness?” and “are there Empirically measurable physical characteristics for sweetness?”
The scale presents an interesting dilemma. First, we must accept (on faith and collective agreement, I suppose), that Sucrose is the standard of whatever sweetness might be and then. We see that somehow, other sugars have a defined relationship to sucrose. How that relationship is actually measured and defined may be in the hard science, but for this exploration, I’ll just toss in the links for future further reference and study.
Sweetness of various compounds[a][15][16][17][18][19]
Name
Type of compound
Sweetness
Lactose
Disaccharide
0.16
Maltose
Disaccharide
0.33 – 0.45
Sorbitol
Polyalcohol
0.6
Glucose
Monosaccharide
0.74 – 0.8
Sucrose
Disaccharide
1.00 (reference)
Fructose
Monosaccharide
1.17 – 1.75
Sodium cyclamate
Sulfonate
26
Steviol glycoside
Glycoside
40 – 300
Aspartame
Dipeptide methyl ester
180 – 250
Acesulfame potassium
Oxathiazinone dioxide
200
Sodium saccharin
Sulfonyl compound
300 – 675
Sucralose
Modified Disaccharide
600
Thaumatin
Protein
2000
Lugduname
Guanidine compound
300,000 (estimated)
So all this comes from a sip of about ten ounces of coffee that had three Stevia packets dropped into it. Next time, I’ll try just one packet. Lol.
Sweetness, like beauty or anything, just may be in the eye, or in this case, tongue of the beholder. Certainly let’s not forget the brain, where everything perceived by our senses is processed, interpreted, combined with everything else, including our imagination, and given some sort of explanation so it can be understood. How unique is each brain? I don't mean in physical characteristics, I mean in cognitive functioning. Think well ever map every cell and synapse and then be able to measure whatever is going on in each precisely? And then, who decides how to perceive what we discover? An endless loop of questions seems to be a very likely outcome. Will we ever know everything? And would knowing everything be as sweet as we might imagine? Yes, so we come back around to what may be an arbitrary (and perhaps scientifically unanswerable) largely philosophical question, what is sweet?
Sure, we can give names to body parts and discover how the physical processes and biochemistry works, but can we define the concept of sweetness? We go to the internet to see what people have said about this. Wikipedia tells us that there is something called sweetness science which lead s to a sweetness scale (which reminds me of the hotness scale, but that's another story that reminds me to stop at the post office tomorrow to pick up some hot sauces I ordered... hopefully I'll remember to remember tomorrow, aye?), which may have some validity, but only if one tests it out on themself to merge the collective subjective with the individual subjective experience of senses. My tongue isn't your tongue, after all, or brain or experience or preferences or so on.
There are lesson plans for teachers that take the subjectivity to a whole new level, maybe that's how creationsts feel about teaching evolution. but I'm only guessing because I ave no clue what forms those delusions. The LA Times ran an article about the sweetness of artificial sweeteners when we look for news about sweetness. Does anybody expect long term use of lab-created chemicals to trick our brain to turn out well? Especially since profit motive is the primary guiding force behind the creation of these chemicals, for me, it's just one more suicidal decision in a long line of suicidal decisions we humans make all the time. On that note, I refer you to sweetness for dummies and trivia,which may be all we can really do about answering this question, keep it simple and try to have some fun with it.
Anyway, all this came about because I dropped too much stevia into a drink and it was so sweet, it seemed bitter. To my taste perception, at least. Yes, accidental overdose of a plant-based sweetener brought on this babble. Hope it was worth your time, or amusing, even.
Entertainment can be sweet when it inspires a smile.
Narf :)
Naturally we find a range from hard scientific papers to tongue-in-cheek trivia designed for amusement more than education and the almost obligatory for dummies offerings when we google ”what is sweet?“ ”what is sweetness?” and “are there Empirically measurable physical characteristics for sweetness?”
The scale presents an interesting dilemma. First, we must accept (on faith and collective agreement, I suppose), that Sucrose is the standard of whatever sweetness might be and then. We see that somehow, other sugars have a defined relationship to sucrose. How that relationship is actually measured and defined may be in the hard science, but for this exploration, I’ll just toss in the links for future further reference and study.
Sweetness of various compounds[a][15][16][17][18][19]
Name
Type of compound
Sweetness
Lactose
Disaccharide
0.16
Maltose
Disaccharide
0.33 – 0.45
Sorbitol
Polyalcohol
0.6
Glucose
Monosaccharide
0.74 – 0.8
Sucrose
Disaccharide
1.00 (reference)
Fructose
Monosaccharide
1.17 – 1.75
Sodium cyclamate
Sulfonate
26
Steviol glycoside
Glycoside
40 – 300
Aspartame
Dipeptide methyl ester
180 – 250
Acesulfame potassium
Oxathiazinone dioxide
200
Sodium saccharin
Sulfonyl compound
300 – 675
Sucralose
Modified Disaccharide
600
Thaumatin
Protein
2000
Lugduname
Guanidine compound
300,000 (estimated)
So all this comes from a sip of about ten ounces of coffee that had three Stevia packets dropped into it. Next time, I’ll try just one packet. Lol.
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