Lonely, Not Sad

It's still the same old story.

While some aspects of loneliness can be very sad, I am not in a sad state when I assess my overall affect, demeanor, mood, or emotional temperature (or is that barometer... hygrometer?... assmonitor?... I can really use one at the moment... and that is not just meaningless irreverence, though it can hum a few bars). I want to love so much. I want to give so much. I want to share so much. Simple as that.

Hungry, sleepy, lonely, wonky, lazy, hopeful, and excited all the time. What a set of dwarfs am I.

I mean are you not paying attention? Dirt, Drama, and Details (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more). You thought I was not serious or simply don't believe your own eyes? Could be you don't care, which is fine, at least your not an idiot, even if we don't know why you are here. But if you do care, remember... Dirt, Drama, and Details (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more). It is what it is. A warning, a title, a welcome.

sometimes it hurts so much I just turn it off
this life, I mean don't you see what.s going on?
suicide and self destruction everywhere
and in the blink of an eye it's all gone

sometimes all we have is what dreams may come
we can feel it all or we can just go numb
the madness can scare you or it can be fun
and in the blink of an eye it's all done



Soulmates the never ending why b3 (as opposed to b4) hold on to me, aye bosco? Sometimes the slice of life is a slice of a playlist and only the few aware who were there might understand. Meanwhile, lost somewhere in the same paragraph although seemingly disconnected to the naked eye of the uninformed elk, she could be an amazing friend and we may never meet, but I will always be thankful for the distractions and amusements she (and she) provides (unlike these, she is what Bugs Webbot would call souls sister because some minds blow other minds when, as children do, they trust. I trust her and I don't know why. She's not the only one.

Of course the words and music helps.

The internet s slow tonight.



lol, oh yeah.

Silly Me, Sleep?

Last night I was odd, like most nights. life is odd, like most lives. All those links, all those memories, all that fun. If only you were here to enjoy it, we'd both be having even more fun. You'd add your fun to my fun and we make even more fun together and that would be the oddest odd of all. The oddest odd of all? There's a Seuss of a different colour.

I was asleep, falling asleep sitting up just after dinner (pasta and cheese and sugar will do that) and rolling into bed at 8:30 tonight and then just after 11, the phone rang. Someone twisted a knee and wanting to go to the hospital but couldn't drive. I called my boss and let him handle it. It's his job, after all. At least he has yet to let go of that part of the safety officer job and tells me worker's compensation is not my job. Kind of confusing a bit, but we are working out what my role is and he seems to have a tough time letting go of being safety officer. Maybe because he was SO for six or seven years and for the last two years he got used to being both risk manager and safety officer and his assistants support that and he likes being the boss and giving detailed instructions on how to do things and his assistants seem to be used to that.

Great guy, best boss I've ever had I think, at least the best boss who's been involved and present. I said that about my last boss, didn't I? Then she threw me under the bus lol. Corporate America. Oh well, I never claimed to be a good judge of people. People confuse me most of the time, as we may recall. I don't have total recall anymore, anyway. I am accepting the aging process gracefully and doing my best to enjoy it.

That has me smiling :)

Did I mention that I picked up Eb from the airport this week? Picking up Eb was interesting. We don't really talk much because he doesn't really talk much so in the car I pushed for a little conversation to keep any awkward silences from becoming awkward and he told me about his trip. He apparently drove 3000 miles during the week he was there. It sounded like he drove everyone who asked anywhere they wanted to go all over New England including a trip to the Canadian border. Still a lot of miles considering how relatively small New England actually is, but then, he's from Rhode Island. I wonder if he gets my irreverence. I wonder if anyone gets my irreverence. Sigh, it's lonely being me.

I've been living here been here since March, I think. March 10th or so. Middlmarch (there was a book by that name I never did get to read even though it was required reading in a few different English classes along the way. I wonder what it was about and if it relates at all to this paragraph. Anyway, I am here a whole lot longer than planned and paying more than I should but mostly proving I can pay $700 a month for a place including utilities and probably can pay $800 or more with a bit of cutting down on $50 dinners. That means I can live anywhere in this area with the right roommate. Now if only the right roommate came along, I can stop living like a refugee again.

What me, comfortable?

With Eb away for a week it was a little more enjoyable here as I got to watch the large screen for the shows I watch and actually see a football game. I don't know why I enjoy football when I know the barbaric sport is killing people, including children. Probably because I remember playing and having fun. I won another week in fantasy football too so I am 6-1 on the season and in first place in the league at the oment but that could turn in just a few weeks. It's a long season. Next week will be tough to win because most of my team has a bye week. Sadly, Jackson is not having a good year. Sadly, we don't share the fun of fantasy football anymore. Sadly, I have no sports fan friends these days. Sadly, I have no TV watching friends these days. So I enjoy my viewing alone and don't have anybody to talk to about it and still it was more enjoyable on the big screen with food and snacks and the laptop and so on.

I am laughing at my apparent sorrow... some sad circumstances, but I don't feel sad though :)

Lonely, Not Sad.

J asked me what I will dress up for Halloween as and I said nothing, I don't feel like dressing up for Hallowwen this year and she pushed for an answer if I were to dress up so I pondered and this is what emerged from the pondering...

If I was going to dress up for Halloween I might dress up as a nudist. I have no interest at all this year in dressing up so the mind is a complete blank on the thought so apparently I'd be a nudist if I dressed up for Halloween. Probably best I don't given our prudish culture and the laws against nudity. I imagine a male going out on Halloween as a nudist would be arrested and labeled sex offender or child molester or worse and then be molested himself in jail because humans do not appear to be mature or enlightened enough to separate nudity from sexuality and sexuality is still an aspect of this life humans handle very poorly. Maybe I should dress up as a serial killer priest.

And then there's softball...

Softball is almost always fun, especially when I go with the right attitude (wanting to have fun more than wanting to win) and lately that right attitude is easier and easier to find. This season my teams hardly ever win, but we did win this past Saturday and again on Monday. First week the overall weekly won-loss record broke even at 2-2. 2015 with four or five teams was the best won-lost record of the last fifteen years since returning to softball. I wrote a couple of semi-statistical blogs about it way back when (that was a tough emotional season in life and the two hundred or more blog posts for that period really shows it and yet I still wanted to be competitive and alive and hopeful and supportive and cheerful and enjoy this wonderful life). This year is on pace to be the worst won-loss record ever and I am enjoying playing as much as I did any year, maybe more.

Hopefully I will get back to sleep before morning.

It's still the same old story.

More?

Correspondence Anyone?

She wrote: "How was ur day?"

and this was my response...

My day just began lol (it's just past midnight and I should sleep soon, but I sometimes the nocturnal part of me wakes up around midnight and wants to come out and play and when no one is around, I often write so I turned on some music (someone's 'top 20' Placebo songs, in case you want to listen... I like a lot of their lyrics... words and music are essential to my being in this life... listening, writing, playing, singing, being... but I digress) and checked my email. Here we are. Who are you? Why do you want to know? :)

Anyway, my yesterday was wonderful as usual.

I woke sleepy because I've been stealing time from sleep to enjoy TV and music and writing and reading the last few nights. Went to a job I enjoy a lot and had a very good day. Met a friend for lunch at a new Cuban restaurant we had never tried) and the food was excellent. After work I went to play softball. I play a lot of softball, love the game. After the game, I met with the ratings committee for one of the leagues I am in to discuss the ratings of players in that league (I am on the ratings committee). After the meeting I visited with friends in the field offices and then headed back here to my temporary home (renting from a nice guy, but there's not enough room for me to stay ere permanently... I took the room because it's close to work). I cooked dinner and watched a couple of TV shows (MacGyver and NCIS, both shows rooted in relationships that have warm memories and the later being a fictional family for me). Snacks, fruit juices, and the impetus to write and here we are. Full circle.

...and how was your day? :)

So that was my day.

Nice to be asked, even if I have no clue who the person who sent the email question is at the moment. Could she be one of the potential pen pals? (or are they dreams?... only the voices in my head know for sure) lol. I did heard from one of the group in the previous entry. The adorable one (I'll let you decide who that is because adorable, even more than beauty, is in the eye and mind of the beholder). I rambled on so much in my reply that I kinda sorta don't expect a replay back, but hey, the excitement was real and genuine and experienced well and I am not sure we can ask any more from any moment of correspondence.

It is warm in here. Eb opened the windows, so it is warm and humid. I took a hot shower (for as hot as the water gets here) and then a cold shower (and neither temperature extreme took me anywhere near my sensory extremes), but it felt good.

sleep deprived
underived
explanations
cannot be contrived
only one thing to do
write a few words to you
the babbler on his way
what else is here to say
but hello
let it all go
and start the show
hello

maybe the first four should be the last four or something like that
your guess is as good as mine or the fanciful cat in the hat
height is the (primary) different between a puddle and a flood
come on now you can keep up, you don't have to be stuck in the mud

everyone can win if everyone shares
if we just admit that everyone cares
you don't want anyone to die, do you?
look someone in the eye, it's true

don't let you fear
make you unaware
of your love
that is the only way
you will ever rise above
the that place you want to go
enlightenment, heaven, ethereal flow
let yourself go
let yourself grow
let yourself know

everyone can win if everyone shares
if we just admit that everyone cares
winning is just having fun, you see?
wake up to this simple reality

I love you, you love me
we're all one big family...

(with a nick nack paddy wack give a dog a bone
this old man is going home

so tired
yet wired
mind a mass
of synapse fires
only one way to rest
high carbs are the best
carb coma on it's way
what else is there to say
but goodnight
turn out the light
and just write
good night

And then, as suddenly as I woke, I slept.

Narf lol :)

Dreams Don't Die

Remember when I used to fall in love with people I never met just because I saw something in a face that connects with something in my dream center or core or (if we want to be spiritual, souls... if we want to be ethereal, anima, if we want to be romantic, heart, if we want to be intellectual, ummmmm, maybe I'm not an intellectual... or is that the cue to laugh... the mind is amazing... mine is just a maze... so let's just go with cognate and continue with whatever the point of this paragraph was going to be, m'ok?.. though we could have gone with alter-ego, but... what were we talking about again?) fantasy person friend who would understand me and love me unconditionally and trust me completely and be the family I never had?

Somewhere in there is a question so important that it had to be obscured with meaningful and possibly very distracting semantic explorations of what a true best friend might be called from various perspectives and if you have read me before, you know this sort of thing could go on for quite some time and even completely wander away from the point that was first started without ever getting to it, especially since I've been living like a refugee renter in other people's spaces for the past year or so, but maybe the exception to the exception will bring us to some point profound before the thread of consciousness completely dissolves in the babbling.

Yes, so anyway, where were we?

The dream friend who stayed (as opposed to the best friends who wandered away because the had the nerve to fall in love or get married or have kids or something like that, I mean, really, ya know?... hopefully you recognize sarcasm when you read it). The best friend I've always imagined and never found. Oh I know I'm not realistic to want someone to be my BFF or real, but hey, why invent a term like BFF if it's not really F, right? Soulmate? Maybe that is what I am really wanting after all because there is that whole all I ever needed was the one song that is part of the soundtrack of this life as I know it for me. Family is more like it though. The family I never had (because I was adopted and am on the outside of the biological connections most people have because my adopted family never really bonded with me the way they bond with each other because, I suppose, biology matters or something like that).

What brought all this on?, you might be wondering...

Well, it was wandering the penpal website I joined way back before the Hurricane (I think), just to use a random time reference. I disappeared as usual, forgetting about the site after writing to a couple of people and getting responses and writing again and not hearing from them again. Not knowing why is always frustrating, but it's usually because they have some sort of wall or prejudice or whatever that closes their mind to sharing with a babbler like me. Ageism is the most frequent factor after babbling too much. Not sharing the same religion or politics or values can be reasons for the sudden silence to. Cowardice, disrespect, rudeness, and insensitivity are the same in every case when someone simply chooses to ignore the words I send without any explanation.

Still, I keep reaching out because I believe there must be people out there like me who do not judge or reject without some sort of explanation. I have one person like me, J, who accepts me as I am and continues sharing. I joined the penpal site to expand my correspondence friends to increase the diversity of the inspiration pen friends can bring. There was a time I wrote to more than a hundred people an I miss learning about many different lives and people and places and perspectives and hopefully I'll find another caring person who will want to stay in touch and get to know me and share who they are.

One of these people will be my friend... I've got to believe, ya know? :)













Can you tell which two I am hoping for most? lol lam :)

Yeah, like a single still photo can really be enough to tell me who might be a friend (we're not talking about physical attraction, lust, and all that jazz because I am not looking for a long distance romance or cyber sex or any sort of superficial fantasy and besides, even if I was, a single photograph, a single frozen facial expression does not provide enough information to determine compatibility or even attraction for my picky libido, but that's another story for another babbling discussion if anyone is interested)... but I do have a soft spot for tree huggers and something in the face second row third column tells me we might relate like long lost family or at least have similar perspectives and the face in the fourth row first column might be able to tolerate me (psychic powers, right? lol). Did I mention those old soul eyes just above? :)

It's all guesswork, actually, but we can find out how well we relate if we decide to share and starting in reality is where I want to start. Dreams can come after we actually get to know each other, ya know? Austria, Greece, China, Japan, California, so much wonder out there. :)

So are we all in love yet?

Yeah, sarcasm and irreverence and self-mockery, get used to it as I laugh at myself and hope we can share the laughter one of these days. So much fun it is to write, after all.

Inspire me.

Narf :)

Away and Not

until

Why Am I Lonely?

Sitting in the living room kicked back in my high back reclining desk chair, the chair I bought just for this purpose, dual, so I could be comfortable sitting up at a desk and also feel comfortable sitting back with my feet up and the laptop on my lap. I connected the little laptop to the TV big TV in the living room and for the first time since leaving the space I shared with Jackson I am watching what I want to watch on a big screen in a living room almost as comfortably as I did in the years before moving into full refugee mode.

Longing returns
longing more than ever
longing for love
for someone to care
and to quell the ache of longing
I distract all my senses
with flavor satisfaction


I am a foodie, but more than a foodie, I food is my lover, my mistress, my friend. I welcome another, a foodie who loves me, a mind as wide open as mine, a heart that feels everything, and hope so infinite anything is possible... and i am still a dream... tell me i am not the only one?

Why am I lonely?

If I started answering the question you asked I might never stop writing. Why am I lonely.. let me count the ways. Time restraints force me to answer thusly: Someday my princess will come and until she does, I am lonely. Expounding a bit further, I am a hopelessly hopeful romantic, a complete and whole being within myself, yet living this life to share it as completely as possible with someone who wants to and can share it completely as possible with me. Until I find her (I am 99% sure she is a her), I am lonely. On the surface, I have a busy active social life. Inside, where it matters most, I am alone. Of course we all are inside, but I dream of sharing some magical mystery connection in there and dream of finding someone who dreams the same dream. My wavelength is rather uncommon as that person has yet to be found. Than you for asking. Even those closest to me in life seldom ask. Did I answer your question? :)

It was the answer to the question someone asked at diaryland after reading this entry (or was it this one?... yeah, ok)... why am I lonely? Loneliness is certainly not new, but a resurrgence has rising from the pounding it gives my subconsciousness and the return to Diaryland shows how deep it (as in the rabbit hole, ya know) goes. So lonesome I could die still plays loud and clear in the corners of my mind. Comments to DLand friends are telling... as are excerpts from letters to friends...

My currently increasing feelings come from a lifetime of loneliness, abandonment, betrayal, and being misunderstood by most everyone I've ever met and coming to terms with the sadness that the the few who did seem to understand me are gone. Then I look around at life and realize I have no comfortable place to sit back and relax because this living environment is filthy outside my bedroom door and I know some of the filth is in the air around me even in this room. I have no way to take a hot shower at the moment (warm is comfortable, but it does not kill germs nor does it provide the physical experience this body needs). I should consider a gym membership so I can feel the therapy and cleansing and healing that hot showers bring me. I eat poorly (sometimes balanced, but too much salt and chemicals) and have not cooked a meal that was not out of a can in more than a year, closing in on two years. I must trust the cans and the restaurants for food. The diet and filth are taking a toll on this body. I spend way too much money eating out because I want something prepared from scratch and that has kept my savings from growing to a point where I feel comfortable moving into a higher rent place. The savings do not grow. I feel deeply betrayed by a coach I was loyal to for many years and that dampens my softball experience and I feel more isolated and not belonging anywhere than I ever have before. I have no one close enough to me to talk to about any of this and a whole lot of other things since Jackson moved in with Brandi because all I my friends are not in that place of trust inside. In the last week or few, all this (and a lot more) has been rising to the surface from subconscious and it has been challenging to deal with.

My writings are threaded with these challenges and threaded with laments lately.

As usual, most of my writings are obscured by references only I understand amidst references to many other things that create a maze that would be very challenging for anyone to truly understand without sitting down in physical space and sharing eye contact and spending time exploring deeply with open eyes, mind, heart, and a desire to care, love and trust unconditionally, and become family. Or at least spend a lot of time sharing with a lot of intelligence. So few people ever knew me. So few people ever came close enough, shared enough, took enough time.

Every now and then, and again this week, I've found myself wandering back to Diaryland to find familiar writers and words and maybe why all the connections I've made along the way online and offline have not stayed connected. It seems so challenging to stay connected to anyone in this life and I wonder sometimes if that is just me. Maybe my abandonment as an infant and lack of biological connections factor in somehow.

That is when I ordered pizza and an eggplant parm sub. Ah, taste distraction. I did not feel like eating out alone and it started raining as I approached here so I ordered. The last thing this body needed wee all the calories, but I have I ate the entire sub and almost all of the 16 inch pizza. Onions, pepperoni, and extra cheese. Delicious,but definitely wrong for the body. I hope the digestive system does not clog up, the anus is just finally starting to be less painful.

Living like a refugee is not so much fun alone.

Emotional eating has increase the weight to close to 220 again, the max weight I've known is right around there, maybe more. The tinnitus is loud, the blood pressure high, the sugar levels high, probably some other imbalances going on that are not too healthy... all in all, it's a slow suicide most people do, especially in this country.

Will power has been lacking the last few months.

That likely has tainted writings with some darkness. Doubt. Depression. Dimwittedness. I thought I was finding some of the old positivity and hopefulness recently when I started reaching out to people in the pen pal world site but I have not heard back from anyone since the second letters. Sad. Maybe I wrote too much. Maybe it's ageism. Maybe it's something else. I don't want to pretend or change who I am to attract someone to want to share with me. But I so much want some one to want to share with me. If I pretend or change, I am not me.

I just watched The Uninvited and 10 Cloverfield Lane both creepy movies that distracted me from the lonely life in this pace. You may have adapted to your life in your space, but I am still only happy in my head, not in this physical world. It makes sense to me.

I should sleep now. Another busy workweek begins tomorrow. Loving the work helps pass the time. Every Monday morning I wonder if any of my pants will fit... have to laugh at that, even though there is sadness about it too. I guess fat people stay jolly by forgetting how they are killing themselves. I wish I could forget a lot of things sometimes... then again, I don't.

I hesitate...

Why do I hesitate?

The TV hesitates too. Poor reception. Antenna TV. I live in a time warp. Eb, the landlord slash roommate lives to save money for retirement. He plays an old video game on a very old computer on a twelve inch square screen. He rarely browses the web, I've not seen him check email, and that game is the only thing I have ever seen him do with the computer When he is home, he is either watching Star Trek on the Heroes & Icons TV channel or playing that game. He has very old mismatched furniture that is very uncomfortable so even those rare times when his clothes are not covering them, I do not sit on them. He has a treadmill so old, it sits folded in a corner. I don't use the kitchen except to heat things in the microwave and occasionally in the oven. It is not clean enough to do any more. He is a strange, peaceful, obese man and I pay him twice his mortgage for a room here.

I play softball four days a week. My fifth league was washed out by the hurricane for this season. I have not found a close friend playing softball. Perhaps I hesitate too much or... perhaps I am not longer compatible with human beings. I have become too much like others I do not like. Assimilating into emotional turmoil and confusion. It makes no sense, but then, that is exactly my point. Human beings make no sense.

To play with irrational children, one must become an irrational child.

Maybe.

I stopped chasing love. I stopped taking the lead in relationships. I reach out and say hello, express who I am, and wait. I share here when there is no one to reach out to or when no one responds. Here I do not need response for I embrace various delusions that keep me hopeful.

Yet I still love for love. I want to share everything with someone who wants to share everything with me. It is my fondest dream. It is my most present and powerful desire. It is unfulfilled.

That is why I am lonely.

Narf.

Living Alone

This should explain, to some extent, the roots of the babbling that will be linked here as I make whatever sense I can out of the polarizing emotions that permeate this body in this life in these days between homes as I long for, wait for, search for, hope for another person who can share life with me however they might, however they would. I am generally happier sharing life and living space and meals and time, even as I am happy alone. I look back at the history of this life as I've known it and the years I've lived alone have been much fewer than the years I shared space and life.

So maybe it is the lonelies that lead me back to Diaryland again, but for what it's worh and for those of you still caring about the hopes and dreams buried somewhere deep in this old heart of mine, this guy inspired this comment:

The lonelies are visiting me more often recently, at least on a conscious level. They've been pounding my subconscious for many years, but the daily life is so busy with enjoyable work and fun social activities, the consciousness is easily fooled into believing I am not alone. I wish. I even have an ever present roommate when I return to where I sleep, though he is not compatible for me to be close to in so many ways. This is far from home. My lifelong quest for 'the one' has been on a shelf for a long time now, more than it ever had been before. I used to write of the dreams of love on a regular basis (candora lived on in many places after the diaryland candora went silent), but in recent months, longer even, the heart sleeps deeper than it ever has before. Waking slightly lately to realize I still believe in love (and never give up, never surrender), I am wondering what new way or ways I can do to to try to find her. You understand loneliness, still, my reading of your words suggests you are not as down as you were the last time I visited here. I hope that is true. I am not down, in fact, life is so busy with fun and rewarding activities I wonder how a relationship would fit in - I still would do anything for love if the right one came around). Just waking up to lonely again. Refreshing, almost, to realize romance still beats in my heart. Stay strong and keep sharing here, there, and everywhere - it is one way to feel a little less alone.

Revealing? Perhaps, it's here for your perusal, edification, and curiosity, at least. Posterity too, always for posterity. Most of all, me and the one, whenever we get here. We could have shared a lifetime, now we can share the end, a moment of forever, the meaning of a friend... we could have turned the world on it's ear upside down, now we can stop our little lives from ending with a frown - it is a wonderful life when you live it in love even when you're alone love is all you dream of and the hope of finding the one right for you gets you through anything so you can enjoy everything that you do.

Works for me. :)

Ya know, some people say I'm crazy... doing what I'm doing... yeah, I'm just sitting here watching the wheels imagining my dream of unconditional universal love coming true and believing it can happen at any moment because a mind can open and become aware of the wonder of love in just a moment and in that moment everything changes and nothing will ever be the same. People say I'm crazy for being so hopeful, but I still believe I am not the only one.

I know you're out there somewhere. :)

(doorbell)
will you come out to play?

(music)

Turn off the TV
get off your seat
outside your window
grass and concrete
a world of people
for you to meet
all in all life is
pretty darn neat

and we can laugh at the naivety
we can wonder about innocence
we can imagine a world of peace
and still be aware
of the crazy out there
that makes us live in fear
but let me make this clear

we don't have to let fear kill love
we don't have to give up the dreams we dream of
we don't have to hide out inside
to wake up one day and realize we died

we don't have to give up our hope
there are ways we an learn to cope
with danger and trouble and challenging things
we can still play songs on our heart strings

we know there are children starving
we know there is war, pain, and strife
we know there is violence among us
we know there are threats in this life

we don't have to turn off awareness
we don't have to turn off our hearts
we don't have to become unfeeling machines
we can rise above
to what we dream of
and actualize love
where everything worth living for starts

and we can laugh at the naivety
we can wonder about innocence
we can imagine a world of peace
and still be aware
of the crazy out there
that makes us live in fear
but let me make this clear

we can feel it all
the passion and pain
we can find rainbows through our tears

there is always sunshine
behind every rain
we can overcome all our fears

just come out right now
and I'll show you how
take my hand and walk just a mile

tell me who you are
how we've come this far
by caring we can share a smile

and suddenly life
with all it's strife
is easier to feel good about

just because we care
and dared to share
and overcame our fear and doubt

for a few moments...
we just came out

(doorbell)
will you come out to play?

Got lots more hope and despair sitting in here and I really want to let it all out even it it appears that nobody cares cuz I am the only one here. The documented journey (or journeys) has (and have) been everything from boring to amazing and they continue in spite of my recent bloating (or re-bloating) and physical foolishness. The hope remains intact and almost as strong as ever in spite of the lack of evidence and the abundance of evidence to the contrary. The obscurity remains as virulent as it is benign (depending on perspective and immunity... I mean, hey, you cant cure everyone and some people will fight to the death to resist a cure that could cure them if they only gave it half a chance).

All the dirt, drama, and details will return to this babbling blog eventually. Sometimes, though, a stream of consciousness from the netherlands of consciousness and wherever else just has to flow through the brain into words as part of the process (you remember the process, don'tcha?... well, if you are new to these written gardens, just search for the word "process" in various blogs and you may get some understanding... then ask once you have a clue about what you are asking about and if there is time and space, answers will flow. Maybe even coherent ones.

Laughter is not offensive if you share it :)

It is all a matter of choice and perspective (and we choose our perspectives) so choose to be happy and understanding and compassionate and empathetic (though be careful with the empathy, it packs a wallop) and friendly and hopeful and shirley goodness and mercy will be nice thoughts, but you'll be happier even in the worst of circumstances and you might even survive the next war.

Alone.

Yes, for now, alone again. Not always naturally, but definitely. There is an infinite space reserved for the one right next to mine and someday my princess will come, but until then... I remain alone without the delusion of sharing everything. It is the only delusion I want or need to expand my happiness into the eternal infinity. You remember the eternal infinity, dont'cha?

See above lol :)

Make tonight a happy night and tomorrow, make today a happy day... you can do it!

Narf :)

Long Night Alone

Nodding off happens so easily, especially after meals or while watching TV after work, but if I am not careful, the night comes to wake me up as midnight approaches. Tonight I watched TV without computers, having left the computers at work. Feeling quite vegetative, I forced myself to turn out the lights, turn off the TV, and lay down in bed. It did not work. The writing had to happen. The babbler demanded equal time. So I opened an email on my tiny iPhone screen and the words flowed, full of typos, but the words flowed.

. . . Lost . . .

I feel kinda lost as I type on this tiny iPhone 5 keyboard as I lay here on my side listening to music on this same iPhone 5. Guess it is a pretty amazing little gadget. I wonder if it would type what I say if I turned off the music. So far I have not had any satisfaction with any voice to text or voice controls anywhere. This phone drives me nuts in the car. That could be poor compatibility too. The car sucks. Toyota gets a total fail when it comes to their navigation package. The screen has stopped responding properly. The voice control is pathetic. The map is $170 a year to update so it’s virtually useless now. Never buy Toyota. Anyway this is likely to be one long ramble with only periods for punctuation as I have enough trouble typing as it is without switching keyboards. Fat thumbs don’t do well with the small screens. I am bored with this subject.

Today was another good day at work. I was at the office until about 12:30 and then spent the rest of the afternoon out inspecting and photographing county properties. Toured the landfill to assess it for signage to protect people from forgetting Safety and to protect the county from stupid sue-happy people. Some people are so pathetic wanting something for nothing and always looking for someone to blame. We have a president like that now. The human race is showing its immaturity as technology gives them the opportunity to communicate instantly to the world.

Where are the wise ones
The prophets and sages
Will our history books have
Any worth on on their pages?
We’re a pathetic species
Full of fear and doubt
Our character can be seem in
What we get for differ about
The fourth estate
Sells pain and misery
Soap opera journalism
No credibility
Manipulated by politicians
Owned by oligarchy that is reality and
The same goes for you and me
Lost in distraction
Escaping with poisons
Always blaming others
Without any reason
Immaturity
This humanity
Lost in delusion
Fear and misery
If you ever got real
It would blow up your mind
Lucky you have your gods
To keep you blind

Pushing my little iPhone to add music... I started another letter to myself...

. . . Found . . .

Where there is a will there is a way. Hopefully I will be able to understand what I meant to write through all the typos because I am feeling like writing tonight and also feeling like listening o music and so the thumbs are moving and iHeartRadio is playing but I think I’ve exhausted the current playlist as imagine dragons radio is starting to repeat songs. Time for another. If I ruled the world playlists would not repeat lol.

Ok I switched to moody blues radio. After the commercial. So what song shall they begin with? My Wildest Dream. I wonder where you are. I wonder if you think about me. Yeah sure I needed that like a hole in the head lol lam. I wonder if I OJ care. I wonder if you still remember.

Love never ends
No matter what
You can pretend
You forgot
You can deny
That love always grows
You can kill brain cells
But your heart still knows
Love never ends
It’s always there
You can pretend
You don’t care
Diminish yourself
Accept wasted time
But your heart knows
It’s a lie and a crime
Crimes of the mind

Deny your heart
Become unkind
Become careless
Soon you will find
Life becomes rote
Thoughtless and cold
Small and afraid
Broken and old
Buried so deep
In your hidden heart
Love is waiting
For you to start

Remembering
Believing
Living
Again

Love never ends
Try to hide
Your heart still knows
Love is inside
Truth in the heart
Never pretends
Hearts always know
Love never ends.

And then... out of the blue... I wrote to Toronto after years of not and silence...

. . . LOL . . .

So I forgot my ID somewhere (hopefully in my bag at work) and I chose to monitor some workers fixing a hole (where the rain was getting in) so I did not get back to the building before it locked up for the night (new fangled electronic automatic locking doors dangit) so I could not get my laptops (which I take to work because I am currently living in the ghetto (and Elvis is nowhere to be found) so I carry my laptops everywhere I go and I still felt like writing so I decided to attempt typing more than a few words on the tiny keyboard that this iPhone 5 presents and I wrote two letters and rhymes to myself and decided to see who I as in my address book and lo and behold there you where and so here we are. That sentence could have been a lot longer in case you forgot. Yeah yeah yeah.

So shall I chide you for neglecting the myriad of blogs you convinced me to create foa you and me and posterity? Posterity cries and sends heap big guilt trips. I will do not such thing since I know just seeing my name has you cringing (even if it was ever so slightly) before even opening the email and now you should be laughing at the irritation that almost surprise you. Some things never change. Like the guy with the ego who thinks it knows everything typing these words as cocky as ever, no doubt.

So do you wanna catch up or what?

Why?

PS... Hope smiles outweigh frowns and health overcomes ills and age. May love still compound and words demand to fill a page. Let grammar be damned, restrictions be gone. So the never ending story can carry on.

Narf 🙄😝😂🙂😇

Then, thinking about the term BFF that Jackson used so often to describe me and us, I wrote this to myself...
. . . BFF . . .

That’s me. Yup. I am my BFF. Who else can I count on as much as me, after all. So here I am writing to myself again because, well, just because. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. No one can do anything o me unl SS I give them the power to affect me or have an effect on my affect for that matter. No one can Hurt me unless I give them the power by making them that important to me that. Their actions or opinions effect my affect. No one can betray me unless I trust them enough to depend on them. No one can abandon me unless I choose to adopt them as family and want them to stay close in life. No one can alter my choices or behaviors unless I choose to empower them. Simple as that.

So here I am writing to myself again because this is where I began, alone, explaining the experience we call life to myself. Words help d me figure out why love attracted me so and why live hurt so much. Words helped me understand that I want to love for live no matte what. Love is my purpose in this life. Believing in love. Trusting love. Living love. Being love. Being in love with love.

So I believe in love and once again it’s all I’ve got. Elton”s Made In England plays in my head even as America sings Horse With No Name on the iHeartRadio on the iPhone.

The screen keeps changing to vertical and that makes it even more impossible to type cuz it is so small or my thumbs are so big whichever whatever it seemed much more comfortable to type on my left side than it is on my right. Why did it stay horizontal then and not now. And locking the rotation seems to lock it in vertical. Dang imperfect technology. As The Who song Won”t Get Fooled Again. Sheesh. In the other hand this Moody Blues station with a little help from my thumbs (ups) is rocking just right tonight.

I keep getting fooled
By my belief in love
I adopt family
But they don’t adopt me
I share everything
Give myself away
All in the hope
That someone will stay
Here nobody does
They all go away
And still I keep giving
That’s just how I play
That is just my way
And whether I’m right
Or whether I’m wrong
I’ve got to be me
That’s where I belong
I’m happiest when
I’m giving my all
Even if it leads to
Another long fall

I found out that giving
Is my reason for living
My happy jest day
Is a day
I give everything away

The only thing that makes me happier
Is sharing everything
With someone who shares everything with me

Unconditional love
Unconditional trust
Family
Or
Bust

And until I find someone who will be my family
I am by myself my own BFF
Rhyme the end

Sleep now and dream zzzzzzzz
😇😴😇😴😇😴😴😴

Then, finally, I wrote this to Jackson... approaching 4am, wide awake...

. . . Because . . .

I am really a simple child with a simple dream. I became a complicated man because things did not go according to plan (probably because there never was a plan which is also why I am what I am and where I am and so on and so forth and scooby doobie do dah day oh day ay ay ay oh and still I want to go home) using word to explain things to myself while simultaneously sharing the words with others (in my public blogs that keep my dream of finding the one alive in some lost forgotten hopelessly hopeful way) and I write to people who care (or who once cared) about me when I want inspiration and proof that I still beli e in and actualize love unconditionally that has no end so here I am using you to perpetuate that delusion of a dream with self-mockery and humility and just a touch of good old fashioned insanity cuz life is so being trying to be normal and all that conformity if I OJ know what I mean (and someday my princess will come and she will) 😁👏😇

Because the so me is round it turns me on. 🙂

So I left my laptops at work cuz I misplaced my ID and the doors locked automatically before I got back because I stayed out to monitor a crew of workers fixing a hole in my the street that I had to force them to fix by calling he president of the Utility company and also getting a couple of my County departments to Call and pressure them as well. I’ll be citizens who called me are very happy. I love my job 😁

Unfortunately I felt lost without my laptops wh n I go home. I somehow did no eat or just lay down but instead did a load of laundry dry and turned on iHeartRadio on my his old iPhone 5 and have been enjoying music all night and unpacked finally all the hurricane packing I did and then starting typing on this tiny keyboard and here we are four letter already sent and you are the lucky fifth even though you don’t know what to do when I send you a babbling t mind dump like this lol (and hopefully you are laughing with me). 🙄😂😁😇

You should understand
The loneliness I feel
How much you want someone
To love you is so real
How much you do not want to be alone
I am just like you but I am on my own

You should understand
The emptiness I feel
When I am not in love
The longing is too real
How much I want someone to love me
I am just like you except I’m free

All I ever wanted was to fall in love
With someone who fell in love with me
All I ever wanted was to share everything
With someone who would share it all with me

But even when I found someone
All they did was take
Until I had nothing left
But my heart to break
I don’t understand why I
Have failed to find my love
When in this life it is the only
Dream I’m dreaming of

I don’t want to start feeling sorry for myself
I just want to share my life with someone else

Don’t you know someone
Who feels like we do
Who believes in love
Who has a heart that’s true
Who will not be cruel
Who can share everything
Who can understand
This song I sing?
Who can understand
This song I sing

All I ever wanted was to fall in love
With someone who fell in love with me
All I ever get wanted was to share everything
With someone who could share everything with me

La la la 🙂

Sigh. So I write the longing for love in the middle of the night. Like the carpenters. Need To Be In Love is my hearts theme song. Ever hear it? I wonder. In all the years you e known me. Did you know? Honesty by Billy Joel is my minds theme song. imagine by John Lennon is my life theme song. Someone who shares those three without compromise is so very hard to find. But compromise changes the song and it is not mine. To dream the impossible dream...

I really did do it my way. I had to be me. There are three more theme songs of this life as I know it in those last three sentences. Did you know? And the. There come The Moody.Blues.

Some may read sadness and pity the foolish heart and impossible dreamer I am. But I find hole in the songs that are the soundtrack of this life as I’ve know. It. I don’t want it to end u til I find her but I am running out of time. I know she’s out there somewhere. Moody Blues to the rescue Saved By The Music... saved by the song that I sing. 😇

I am hoping your silence this week is not because I caused a problem the night I accidentally Car called and you. I don’t know if this is going to make your phone sound either and now that I thought of that I’m gonna stop writing because I don’t want to upset you or Tina just because I trust you and believe you understand my heart and I feel like expressing myself and writing this to you helps me feel less alone cuz maybe someone understands.

Maybe I’m wrong. Thank you Moody Blues once again. I am wide awake at 4am without a soul in sight but still hanging on the hope that I’m alright. Carpenters sing my theme song and I feel the hope and comfort and smile as I close me eyes and welcome my fondest dream.

Fifth letter tonight. Sleep soon I hope it really is 4am. Lol. I’ll send this in the morning if I remember. Thank you for being you and inspiring me to trust your heart to listen to mine. 😊😇 Nite.

And that was the night on the phone with myself...

What In The World?

I've been trying to return to daily blogging since mid-August and every restart seems to be misfiring for one reason or another. I wonder if I'll ever find people who actually understand me in this life. So today I find misunderstanding on the softball fields. A power tripping control freak umpire lost his cool when I called him out for delaying the game and distracting players loud enough for others to hear. He ignored the first dozen times I ask him quietly. I just asked him to do his job, the job we pay him to do.

So the story goes something like this... we'll call him Joe.

As Joe the umpire was berating me rather unprofessionally and loudly as I was on the pitcher's mound asking if I could pitch, I wondered what in the world is going on and what did I do to deserve the berating. I simply asked him and the other umpire to stop delaying the game, do their jobs, and let us play. I said please.

After every third out, Joe walks over to the other umpire to chat so the team taking the field and batter has to wait until he is done chatting before the game can resume. While on the field, he will distract players with conversation as the game is going on. I asked them both to stop delaying the game and let us play, reminding them that if the players are not concentrating they could get hurt.

Sometime in the middle of the second game Joe got stupid. I lead off and I am standing in the batters box asking the umpire behind the play why the pitcher is not pitching. He says points to Joe who is off the field on his phone. As I am talking to to the umpire behind the plate, facing him, the pitcher pitches and he calls a strike because I am standing in the batters box. I flip my bat and say why not just throw me out of the game?

At the start of the next inning Joe is once again behind the plate talking to the home plate umpire and I finally called him out loudly for all to hear asking the same question I'd been asking them quietly for two games. Please stop the clock for an officials time out or let us play the game we paid to play.

Joe returned to where he was supposed to be on the field and the umpire behind the plate asked me if I was ready to pitch. I laughed and said are you serious, I've been waiting for you guys and I've been ready since I stepped on the mound a few minutes ago. I'd just like Joe to let us play and stop delaying the game.

Joe apparently did not like being called out. As I am about to pitch, Joe called time out and walked toward me and loudly apologized for being on the phone while I was in the batters box and then said, "I will give your team an out if you say one more word that pisses me off." I said please don't make this personal and you being pissed off is not grounds to penalize the team, so can we play now?

He walked away and the umpire behind the plate ask me again if I was ready to pitch. I said is Joe's time out over? Everyone laughed, including the umpire behind the plate (who is a friend I see outside of softball) and I pitched. No one said time in or play ball, but who cared at that point.

Joe's power trip was not over and he made a few obviously bad calls at second base just to try to provoke me. By this time I was more concerned with how he was pissing off my team so I said another bad call, don't let it spoil the fun of the game to my players, which pissed him off even more, but he knew it was not grounds to follow through on his threat. I could see he was seething that both teams were having a good time and forgetting he was even there. The little man became almost invisible on the field.

After the game I told him he unprofessional and reminded him that his being pissed off is not in the rule book as any violation. Doing his job, on the other hand, was clearly detailed in the umpires manual and I'd appreciate it if he would do better next time since we pay him to do it right. He heard some players chuckling and had no reply. I'll speak to the head umpire the next time I see him and see what has to say.

I seem to be upsetting people with my candor lately more than usual.

Narf :)

Fantasy Loneliness

I used to enjoy the fantasy football because Jackson and I played together, but now that we don't talk and barely communicate at all, it's just a lonely game I don't even want to play.

To simplify things, Houston and Detroit and the LA Raiders should shut out their opponents this week and Philadelphia and Arizona scored more than 100 points between them, evenly divided. That would give me a good chance of winning this week's fantasy football match up in spite of Gronk sitting on the bench. Yes, the best tight end in football is one again injured and he's still in my lineup and because he played on Thursday it is too lake to replace him. I really must remember to check my team (and people wonder why I am not on Facebook more often. How do people fit so much online time into their lives?).

I think that might be a rhetorical question.

Anyway, alas, once again, for the fifth week in a row, I forgot to set my fantasy lineup. Somehow, even after the first four weeks of neglect, my fantasy football team is 3-1. That is somewhat amazing given I'm in a league with very competitive seasoned fantasy players who check their teams and the free agent list and the weekly stats like vultures ready to swoop in on any available player with any hope of shining in fantasy points. My success is surprising. Thank you Todd Gurley. Somebody please wake up LeSean McCoy. And paging Brandon Marshall. AJ Green may have started waking, but a bust out game has yet to happen. Matt Ryan is wobbling. Besides Gurley, my points are coming from the New England Tight End and Kicker. Not the recipe for a winning season.

But I am 3-1 and hope for this week to be another minor miracle.

So what else is new?

Loneliness is certainly not new, but a resurgence has rising from the pounding it gives my subconsciousness and the return to Diaryland shows how deep it (as in the rabbit hole, ya know) goes. So lonesome I could die still plays loud and clear in the corners of my mind. Comments to DLand friends are telling.

You?

Two Years Gone

Two years ago I was hearing the right words. I was hearing how much I mattered. I was hearing how I would never be abandoned like everyone else did. I was hearing all the years and energy and love and money I gave would not suddenly become meaningless. I was hearing that the money would be paid back a little each month. I was hearing how I would not be left alone.

I am alone.

I've been abandoned.

It was all a lie.

I miss Happiness. We took him to the vet two years ago last night for the last time. I was needed that day. I was always needed for the hard stuff. I don't have any needs, naturally.

Reality is a cold splash in the face.

Sad narf.

When Repetition is More Than Flattery

Yeah, so it goes along that repetition is the sincerest form of flattery (though I think it was more mimicry that was being referred to in that phrase, I mean, if you ask me, but be that as it may or may not be), but sometimes repetition is much more. Sometimes it is exercise, driving home a lesson for the mind as much as reps drive the muscles into a frenzied state of disarray that forces them to rebuild or die and in rebuilding, become stronger and more reliable. Consistency of action and personality makes people stronger and more reliable. That is why I am here. That is why I repeat myself. That is why I continue to write the same subjects over and over, again and again trying to find the words that express it better, that express me better. I may never find the perfect words that share exactly who I am, but I hope I never stop trying because the day I stop trying is the day I die.

I kept it hid once and it taught me that death is better than doing it again. I do not want to die. But sometimes life just seems so challenging and thank goodness something like this comes out...

Sometimes I feel oh... yes, sometimes I feel like I've been tied to a whipping post. So much betrayal, so much abandonment, so much fear in this life. Even those with the purest hearts and best of intentions will sometimes want to squash me, suppress me, silence me when all I want to do in this life is sing out loud and proud and free and open and honest about all I feel and think and do and am. I am so sad to think that sharing honest love and unconditional trust can feel like pain to anyone. For me, holding back, hiding, letting time go by not giving the dream my all is like dying.

And I wailed in the night to anyone who cared...

let me be who I am...

and please please please let me love again.

Sadly, I must accept that many are gone (so many more in their own private gardens that have not breathed in my ear in decades) and even sadder, some who are not gone would rather be gone and forgotten. I am so very sorry it hurts to be here with me and I shall do my best to be as obscure as I can be - but love is the opening door... I'll leave you out of it as challenging as that may be when I just want to shout from rooftops

thank you for being, for caring, for inspiring me to believe in love and continue nurturing what little hope I have left that my dreams really can come true in this life.

Shhhh...

I am trying to understand, trying so hard to resist my nature, to understand the fears, and hoping my maze obscures my defiance enough to amuse or console enough so I can continue living my dream of sharing everything with respect for privacy. If this is a baffling entry, then I may have succeeded. My hope is you are amused at the lengths I will take to compromise even as it may drive us to madness (gleefully, I hope).

I still find, to my delight and chagrin, that I cannot, dare not, will not leave the dream behind. Even if it is all just an illusion.

But nobody heard... . . and that is the real.

Narf.

For in the rambling words and musical accompaniments (click and listen and hear the words if you really want to begin to scratch the surface of knowing me at my core... and then continue reading and listening and ask for more) I find myself and peace and security and all I could ever be. Sleep does not come, rest doesn't exist when I am holding back in any way.

I hope you understand, everyone.