It's Not So Bad, Really

LOL LAM, if only you knew what I knew (if only you believed like I believed... there's an old song in there). I mean, just because I am dragging my feet on packing as well as I can for this move that starts tomorrow (though the bulk of the move is the next day when I pick up the truck, I pick up the keys to the new place and to the storage place tomorrow. Curly really did throw a monkey wrench into this life of leisure rather suddenly, alas. Sometimes we all have to be selfish no matter how much of a betrayal is may be to others. Ultimately, though, I chose to trust and depend on him (my mistake) and I curled up on the rug of his kindness, became lazy and complacent, and he reacted by suddenly cutting the indefinite stay in this space to thirty days and becoming a much more formal, impersonal, distant friend. Still, it's not so bad, really.

I mean, we could be in Trump's world where there a special government agency that's sole purpose is to police, pacify, and keep a specific race from causing problems or getting in the way. It is kind of an "FBI" just for a special kind of people based on the color of their skin and birth heritage.

Actually, there is a special government agency like that already. It's called the Bureau of Indian Affairs.

Whatcha think?

Meanwhile, I vegged all day. I fell asleep around 10 am after watching TV most of the night and then woke about 2 pm and got distracted by Facebook. The mood swung back and forth and the news of the world didn't help much, but expressing my opinions about the news of the world helped a little. Maybe lol. Kind of keeping my dream of saving the world alive just a bit.

Now, as night approaches and I am supposed to be trying to get a decent amount of sleep so I can really complete packing and get the stuff done I need to get done tomorrow, I am hungry and considering going out for some food because I don't feel tired probably because I am hungry and yet, the body did it's thing and turned all the extra calories I ate yesterday into body fat. Not a healthy cycle I am running these days (and for some time) because I am not running these days (and for some time) if you follow the trails of thought (and thoughtlessness) that surround me from within (yeah, heavy). The emotional stress of not being done with packing and the pending move does not help the focus on doing anything constructive, so whatcha gonna do about it?

Eat more unfortunate food, naturally. Yes, I am in the midst of a failure to communicate with myself and that is putting the hex on the several weeks of dietary sanity and sensibility that I was actively engaged in. The packing of stuff and having no food unpacked in the place contributes, but that is poor planning and laziness and disorganization and apathy on my part. And self-indulgence, don't forget self-indulgence. It is only a matter of time before I eat a cupcake again and die.

There is a voice calling out to me that has me laughing though, a voice that simply says oh be stupid for the week, so what if it slides us back a month, this is a major life stress this moving thing. Depending on another friend. Trusting. thinking so deeply about everything as we do, no wonder the train goes off the rails like this from time to time. The tracks are sell in sight, right over there, just next to the chocolate cream-filled long john factory and we'll be back on track before Rumpelstiltskin wakes up. Yeah, that's the ticket. Though I'd much rather find sleeping beauty, no offense to the Rumpels out there.

I am enjoying the roller coaster in spite of the stress, so sue me if you don't understand. Maybe the courts can explain it all better than I do.

Da Da Dahhh! The real work begins tomorrow.

Narf :)

More In Than Out

That covers a lot. The simple reference is to the fact that more calories are going in than are being burned in the past week or two even though I am eating little or nothing every other day. I know, not the way to lose weight because it rains the body to store fat, but whatever. I am also keeping this body indoors more than I am taking it outdoors for a lot of reasons. Avoiding spending money is one big reason. Nowhere to go is another and I drive around to nowhere way too much as it is. Lazy complacency plays a big role. Whatever... there are other reasons like not wanting to get clothes dirty so I don't have to wash and hang up more clothes, but it's mostly just a blah. Blah bleedah blah blah blah. You may not believe it.

It's a happy blah, just not an enthusiastic fascinating wondrous blah, if you know what I mean. Whether you do or not, it inspires smiles and chuckles, even giggles at this end. Happy, ya see. Low energy backs for the blah, but the overall emotional mood is quite happy. Ultimately (shhh, he's the big secret) the stresses of the fears of the human fears out there are not nearly as draining and stressful as the loneliness in here and the stresses of going out there to play the workaholic games are a whole lot more stressful than the peace and joy and pleasures of having time to ponder my navel or whatever else might be pondered in here.

If you don't get that, you may never make it as a monk.

Ah, the delight of the wisdom of the ages of the sages turn the pages past the rages of the cages of the fears that plague the current human consciousness. If you missed the wink and did not find your inner child laughing, I hope you catch it next time.

Listening to the World Series on the radio tonight. It is do or die for the Cubs and their pitcher, Lester, is starting off well except for one pitch that gives Cleveland a one run lead early on. The Cubs batters are starting off as poorly as ever, swinging at balls like they don't know how to hit. The word choke is looming if they don't win this game. Especially choking at the plate. Are they too young, not ready, will they wake up in time? Hopefully they will change the choke label the are earning by winning this game, but they really need to turn their game big time around to win three straight against the Cleveland pitching staff because they are dominating so far.

The radio is really annoying as the best reception I can get comes with a steady medium-high pitch line of static even with the large monitor off. Kind of like tinnitus in both ears instead of just my left. Amused, but only because I am so good at tuning out poorly tuned radio signals. Maybe the aliens are trying to contact me during the World Series.

You might have seen this somewhere like I did and you may wonder what is has to do with the World Series or anything. Everything and nothing, naturally.

Like ringing a bell.

Meanwhile, there is the undeniable reality of Marina Abramovic, performance artist who gave people the chance to show what they would do to a woman given complete freedom and no consequences. You should have been there. Someone with a heart should have been there. Her brief hello is pretty good, but her TED Talk is better. Humanity, sigh.

Leaping from subject to subject is one way of distracting the mind from the ridiculousness of life or the stresses life can provide or whatever and it is an effective way of staying more in than out, which might be like or having nothing whatsoever to do with cummingtonite, which is a mineral. Its official name is magnesium iron silicate hydroxide, a metamorphic amphibole with the chemical composition (Mg,Fe2+)2(Mg,Fe2+)5Si8O22(OH)2. It is kind of related to a lot of stuff, from talcum powder to, well, uses include:

As a food additive to prevent foods from clumping and sticking together;
In the polishing of rice;
In the production of olive oil to improve the product's clarity;
For countertops in chemical laboratories;
As a lubricant between sheeted products, such as particleboard, to prevent individual sheets from sticking to each other;
As a filler in a number of products, including soap, putty, plaster, oilcloth, and rubber products; and
As a non-caking agent in animal feeds and fertilizers.
In the manufacture of glass and ceramic materials;
As an insulating material for electrical devices;
As a refractory material in industrial furnaces;
In clean-up operations following oil spills; and
As an odor absorbent.http://www.encyclopedia.com/science/academic-and-educational-journals/magnesium-silicate-hydroxide

Yes, next class we will discuss Fukalite and Fucitol.

Narf :)

Slow Change

Ok, so I am heading to The Maharaja's place to get the key tonight so I can check the place out and then start transitioning to stay there over the next four days. Everything will be out of here by next Wednesday as that is the day I rented the truck. Hopefully the couple in the apartment next door who use the driveway on the other side of the fence in front of this place will be out by then as they are moving out. If they are out, I'll be able to back the truck up to the fence and have the best/shortest path to load the truck. Otherwise it will be more challenging as the mulch makes pulling or pushing a handtruck loaded with heavy boxes. Think positive, it's just a day of heaving lifting and moving. Back, please don't fail me, aye?

Yes, I mean my physical body. My concern is that I will not be able to move everything. At least I have help from LoneWolf for Wednesday when I have the truck. I am sad that the team of Jackson and me no longer exists. She chooses to depend on others for major changes like moves and transportation to airports and so on. Alas, sad to see a self-proclaimed BFF drift away, but I guess that is what she needs as she says she was too dependent or co-dependent on me, whatever that may mean. I've never actually depended on anyone for anything too much, so I don't have a personal experience understanding of the concept of co-dependency that becomes some sort of intrusion or obstacle to a happy independent life. All I've ever known, from earliest childhood, is an independent life and I usually choose to be happy.

Just getting home from The Maharajah's place and finally getting to see the room and space. I can easily bring my desk chair, but I'll need to talk to him about bringing the recliner as he has a lot of stuff in that room that will need to be moved around if it can't go somewhere else. There is plenty of space, outside and inside, so I will need to talk to The Maharaja about where I can put stuff if I do stay more than a month. The place was a whole lot cleaner than it was last time I was there, which was a very good sign, but the strong mold-mildew odor was striking which does not bode well for my becoming a long-term roommate as I am very prone to fungus infections due to my Type 2 Diabetes.

Nothing is perfect and a free place to stay for a month is better than my car, probably (if I don't get sick or infected, that is). I did not find a washer or dryer, so it is either in an outside shed or he doesn't have them. Either way, the odds of even more mold is very high. So I shall need to maintain a supply of anti-fungal cream and figure out how to clean my space and stuff without disturbing his sense of smell or anything else. So I guess I don't want to store much there and I'll take it day by day.

So I now sit here munching on carrots and watching science drama while, on my laptop screen, I have a live recap of the fourth game of the World Series scrolling pitch-by-pitch. Unfortunately, the Cubs best hitters are getting shut down again, at least so far. Hope continues to be all a Cubs fan has at the moment. So like the last time I had a stake in strongly wanting one particular team to win the World Series (it's been many years), I just keep hoping and telling myself to just keep believing they can do it. Javier Baez blew it last night and it not winning me over tonight either. He again, like last night, swung at three balls and struck out with a man on first.

And then, as I am watching a show and keeping track of the World Series, Microsoft takes over my computer and decides it is time to upgrade Windows 10 so I can't use my computer for a half hour. Nothing shut down right and the computer wouldn't start up right after it said it was completed and then it would not shut down right so I had to force a shut down and reboot it twice to get back here. I see Cleveland won. Microsoft decided I could not see what happened. Hating Microsoft is such an obvious and easy thing to do. At least it is still working after the latest forced update.

Just staying home is getting a little boring, though I did get some more packing done, I wrote to my heart's content, and spent no money which are all good things. While I was out checking out the Maharaja's place, I stopped for some more small storage boxes because I seem to have misplaced a dozen or more storage boxes (misplaced?... yeah, I thought the same thing... where could I have misplaced them in this tiny box of a room... a whole stack walked off). I decided not to go to any of the parties I was invited to tonight, just not in the party with a lot of people mood at the moment. Watched TV instead.

I made a hot spinach dip for dinner with a yogurt for dessert. Spinach, Velveeta, mayo, butter, thousand island dressing, and a garlic bread spice mix. Yummy. Added raw potato flour to the yogurt. Had apple wine vinegar earlier. Not ideal calorie count, but better than yesterday.

As I said in the brief blog, I am just hanging out. Waiting for the right one, as usual.

Narf :)

Packing, Softball, Baseball, and Friends

I would have the babbler out parading around but The Big Bang Theory is quite distracting at the moment. I am seeking distraction because... let me count the ways. Alone, lonely, naturally. The Cubbies had the winning run on second, tying run on third, and Baez swings at two ball way out of the strike zone and game over, Cubbies lose the first game at home 1-0 and go down in the World Series 2 games to 1. My empathy for Jackson wants to commiserate tonight but she is fast asleep at home 30 minutes away (without traffic) and doesn't even know, but she will be sad in the morning. I so want the Cubs to win the World Series this year so she can finally experience her team winning the World Series (or any championship).

Next up, MacGyver, the new one. I am so only semi-interested. We lost tonight, 17-12, or 13. It was 13-12 going into the top of the sixth with four minutes left and we could not get the third out before the clock ran out. They are a very good team, better hitting and fielding than us, the second best team in the league, so we did good just to stay with them. We might have beaten then if we didn't have so many errors. If I hit better, that would have helped. I hit into a double play with bases loaded to end the first inning rally at five runs. A hit would have scored at least one, likely two more runs and we'd still have just had one out. I sacrifice flied next time I was up to drive in a run, but again, a hit would have likely driven in two and not wasted yet another out. I got lucky my next time up with a weak ground ball to the pitcher. He got confused as the runner on third ran home and his catcher was not covering the plate, he took a few steps toward the runner, saw he was not going to reach him, hesitated, then turned to throw to second but saw he couldn't get the runner going there and by the time he looked at first I was there so I got on. Next batter hit into a double play (almost a triple play) and we didn't score again. We hit into at least three double plays. As I said, they were a very good team.

Next up, The Great Outdoors, a new comedy. After the game most of us went to one of the local sports bars to watch the third game of the World Series. You already heard my feelings about that. The Cubs were pathetic at the plate, swinging at anything that moved as if they never stood in a batter's box before. It was extremely disappointing to watch as it was the first time I watched the Cubs for a full game this season. baez could have changed all that, but he didn't. Now they face the tough road of winning the next two and then one of the next two after that. I'll be watching, even if it brings me down. Hopefully, it will be a wonderful outcome that we will all celebrate, even if it is by myself alone.

Next up, Pure Genius, a new show I have been looking forward to checking out. An imaginary (hopefully based enough in real science to make rational and logical sense) merging of technology and medicine. My hope is there is more logic and reason than emotional contrivance and soap opera drama. I ate a lot of calories and spent $34 on food at the sports bar. Cream cheese jalapeno poppers, rib-eye quesadilla with a side of grilled onions and a three cheese grill cheese sandwich with bacon (instead of sweet potato fries or onion rings). Yummy, but not the way to drop the weight I really want to drop. I hope I rekindle the will power I had for about six weeks after getting those lab results. I stopped for chocolate on the way home. Thick Kit Kats, Lindor milk chocolate truffle, and a chocolate chip cookie. I ate all of it. Terrible will power tonight. Emotionally I am torn, bouncing around on a sugar high of joyous taste-bud ecstasy and reprimanding myself for regressing in my goal of reducing the lab results, weight, and extending my time here in this life. Nothing to see here, move right along.

During the day today I packed up most of the dry food and and washed another load of towels and boxed up six new boxes for the move, labeling each clearly so I will be able to know what is in the box without having to open it. I may not get to do the same for every box over this weekend or before I have to put everything into storage so hopefully the storage place is big enough for me to sort through stuff there. I need to wake up tomorrow and head over to The Maharaja's place to see the bedroom and see how much of my stuff I can bring over there so I can pack as well as I can. I need clothes for work and depending on the job I get (and I still must believe I will get one), I may need clean, pressed, dress clothes. For the first week though I may live out of a suitcase. I'll know more after I see the space. Meanwhile, I am still awake ad it's almost morning. Where are you, my BFF who will make everything alright again?

Still right here waiting. TV still on. Distract me.

Ok, so my first impression of Pure Geniusis that it is way to episodic soap opera and emotional contrivance than science, alas, but I will probably give it another shot. I think they will need to give me some eye candy by giving the neurosurgeon a larger role and humanizing all of the characters more, but to really get me interested they will need to bring the real science to the foreground and signs do not point in that direction. It appears to be a typical network medical show avoiding the technical to cater to the dumbed-down audience TV and our education system has created over the last couple of generations. Not unexpected, but still, I hope for more.

Next up, This Is Us, which turned me off in the first minute but I will leave it on for a little while longer, probably the whole episode. The doctor played by Gerald McRaney was good, good writing, well acted. The usual plot contrivances we are supposed to accept as coincidences were all too evident, but that's TV life as we've come to accept it and like the character Kevin, played by Justin Hartley, said, it's shallow (he used other words). Whether we should be ashamed or sad that we accept it is a discussion we can have if we ever discuss anything, but the fact that we don't ponder the meaning of our lives or entertainment is sad. I must be bored and desperate for some emotional interaction because I just clicked on episode two.

Laugh, and the world doesn't seem quite so sad.

Narf :)

Hey Big Spender (Hot Stocks, Broken Bonds, Card Drama, and assorted whatever)

Yesterday happened and much of it was recorded somewhere, but heck if we are keeping track in any linear fashion if you know what I mean, I mean, if you follow my drift, time drift, that is. It's a astrophysics joke, in case it matters. You might find some source of reference or clue here, there, and anytime (or everywhere, for that matter) as the days smudge together on account of inconsitent concentration or lack of focus or casual indifference or ignoring self-discipline or just coasting along or some such enigmatic explanation as if time itself was a wet eraser or something like that. We could be having so much fun right now if we were only here.

Laughter, in case you did not hear it through the words, fills the chambers (and chamber pots) of the windmills of my mind (hallways too) and somewhere in the basement a mad chemist is mixing some sort of magical mystery elixor sure to set off a few atomic bombs of frivolity and enlightenment as the next great leap of relaxation and coolness approaches the human condition. It doesn't get much more exciting than that.

The stuffed shirts full of themselves and a false dependancy on delusions and work ethic will fight back violently as they always do, but in the end, the majorityof people will see that violence is wrong and love is right and fear will diminished yet again like it did in the 1960s, at least for a little while. The powers that wanna be will find a way to stir up fear in the next generation, but we can enjoy another generation of love until they do.

Meanwhile, if you are looking for the next big thing, well, this video will test your patience but if you listened all the way through, you might learn about the internet of things which, some say, will change the world and the way each of us live over the next decade, perhaps even sooner. Automation, robots, sensor monitoring, the ultimate connectivity between everything (can brain implants be far behind?).

For those of you asking what is The Internet of Things? Well, wake up because you are years behind the curve already. Still, you can learn anything anytime so pay attention. According to the Oxford Dictionary definition:

“The interconnection via the Internet of computing devices embedded in everyday objects, enabling them to send and receive data.”[4] Popular examples of “things” that are part of the IoT umbrella are the Apple Watch, wearable fitness tracker Fitbit and the Nest thermostat which allows users to control their home’s temperature from their Internet-connected mobile devices.

For those of you attracted to money, investment opportunities abound, according to experts. Read for yourself: blah blah, blah... blah blah blah. No, seriously, blah.

People say the craziest things sometimes, rheally they do, dahling.

I mock, but MEMS is real. I find some of it fascinating if I had a few pennies to rub together, I'd throw a bunch into MEMS stocks. Which stocks? Maybe LeddarTech for starters. C3 IoT would have my interest as well. Possible Meshify

Others I might consider include STMicroelectronics, Teradyne, Mobileye, Stratasys, Tableau, Digistal Reality, Belkin, GE, and oh, do some research why dontcha (oh dear, my interest in money has waned already. I suppose anyone who really knows me was wondering when I took any interest in money at all and just how long this little excursion into financial advisement was going to last. Laugh and the hippies laugh with you. Sensible rational enlightened humans too.

We can let you ponder the risk of losing privacy and control over our lives even more than we already have on your own cuz I am not gonna ask just who do we trust with such power of information and control and ponder if it should be the government or the capitalists or the religious or royalty or someone else and I am sure not going to remind us that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely so don't be looking for no fear-mongering good sense amongst these words cuz it just ain't gonna happen.

What?

It just did?

Well pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, m'ok?

Maybe it was cuz I spent a lot of money today. What is a lot of money, you ask? Well, it's relatively little in the grand scheme of things, but for the unemployed farm worker and me it's a substantial sum more than I spend on any given day in the past year. Except for car payments and insurance payments and a couple of other big payment things, come to think of it.

Like I said in the brief version of the daily blog you may have heard about some several paragraphs ago, I did the usual internet stuff. Searching for jobs (and a couple more resumes went out through the wires), reading (articles and some other stuff, some serious and some fluff), watching some TV (dang if I can remember what just now, but it was background TV mostly and I'll catch up with the list of what I watch one of these days when the TV apps are open), and wrote some blogs (someday the links may come... and my princess too)and an email to J (thank you J, for being you and caring and keeping in touch).

Or was that yesterday? Well, it's true.

The actual time is really about two hours from now but as I noted somewhere else, who's here to keep track or even know, ya know? Today was just another day among many other days that are passing along this particular timeline and the usual happened once again. Internet, job searching, emails, watched a little TV, and ate pills. Just pills, no food. I just did not feel hungry today, so I ate the usual pills (Vitamin B Complex with C, Multivitamin, Garlic, Cinnamon with Chromium, Chellated Iron with some other stuff, Omega-3 Plus other Omegas, and the blood pressure pill and washed it all down with red wine vinegar and heaps of water.

Today I had about two ounces of apple wine vinegar instead of the usual one ounce to further surpress my appetite as I was going to Excel and the Commodore's place tonight and they always have high calorie snacks and even moreso since Violet started coming again. I can only guess they invited her to fill in on the Thursday I was not going to be there and now we have five for Bridge night so we play a whole lot less because Violet, as she says, plays by Violet's rules (which can be confusing) and talks a lot, eats a lot, and is on her phone a lot and distracted a lot. Nice person as far as I know, just not very appealing to me on many levels and another very obese person testing my will power. I did fine, eating nothing, not even the carrots I bought. Some nights it feels good to engage self-discipline.

I did not get any more packing done and didn't exercise, self-reprimand should follow any day now. I headed to Excel and the Commodore's place for Bridge and the usual fun and discomfort was waiting. I can only imagine what changed in Curly over the last six months but he continues to disrespect me and tonight I did not play submissive loser which really upset him. I was part of the conversation more than usual (and I still did a whole lot less talking than anyone else) and enjoyed playing to win instead of deliberately losing as I've been doing a lot since he started his passive aggressive bullying. He was as he often does, laughing at mistakes Excel and Violet were making until they really whooped him and the Commodore on one hand and he became sullen and testy from that point on.

As usual, he directed his hostility toward me and I was not having it tonight, so I simply ignored it and kept having fun with the everyone else which lead to him telling me to be quiet so he could concentrate (and as I said, I spoke less than anyone and he ignores the double standard he sets as he chats and laughs and sometimes deliberately distracts Excel and me and we often take it in good fun). He finally blew up, threw his hand in face up, and stormed out on the last hand of the night. Violet asked him what the scores were and he said he'd email them to her. He did about five minutes after he left. Turns out he would have finished third had he played out the hand and I'd have finished second and Excel would have finished first. I guess he just didn't want Excel to enjoy winning, something she seldom does.

I just would not let him drag me into the competitive dram he seems to slip into lately and it felt great to sidestep the drama and have fun. Guess he just could not take not being in control or losing. He's always saying it's just a game and he doesn't pay attention to the scores, but right after I caught up to their scores in a very short amount of time, he hot pissy and took the score pad away from me and I haven't asked about scores since. He accused me of cheating and wanting to hurt others and was quite irrational in rmblings texts. Ever since then, only he can keep score and he only shares the scores when he wins. So much insecurity is is sad. I did everything I could to be his friend but that just seemed to enable his delusional projections of what he does. Excel and the Commodore don't see it his way, but we all just want to keep the peace so we let him go through his moods even though Excel feels hurt sometimes.

It's a sad sad situation and it is getting more and more absurd... and observed.

I asked Excel and the Commodore if they thought I should stop coming to play with them because it's been getting more and more tense and that's not much fun and they said I should not stop coming to play. We'll just have to be more aware of when Curly slips into his moods and figure out a way to help him realize how it is affecting him and everyone else.

I felt reassured and I'm all for that as I don't want him hurting Excel's feelings by laughing at her card play and he really needs to stop his emotional bullying. I don't want him to be so insecure and immature that he can't maintain a close relationship and is hurting over losing at cards. The biggest obstacle it he always has to be right. Hopefully they will find a way to point out his mood swings and irrational behavior as he definitely does not want to hear it from me.

As for me, I seem to be resigning as his punching bag and will keep trying to help him as his friend if he lets me. For a while now, he hasn't let me. Since September, I haven't heard from him outside of cards and he doesn't make eye contact or talk to me much during cards anymore. Except for some ranting irrational texts telling me I am cheating and hurting my friends (I asked them bluntly when he first texted that and they looked at me like I was crazy and assured me I am not hurting them. They said that they did wonder why I was more subdued when playing lately).

In other long texts, just as irrational, he claimed that I am also hurting him and his family by staying in this unfinished room. He's reneged on deals we made and gave me a landlord's ultimatum last month (his exact words were "there are no friends in business." I believe I might have vented about that as it really sting when he so suddenly turned from friend who offered me help into slumlord landlord. Since then I'm just a tenant he wants out and he acts like he wants me out of his life. Thing is, we play cards with my friends and he seems to resent that they are my friends too.

I'll see how it goes on Saturday as we are all supposed to barbeque and play cards at Violet's place and if he says anything about my playing at his house next Tuesday. Sadly, his ex-wife and two ex-girlfriends (all of whom were my friends as well and one of whom stayed close friends) have told me about his irrational mood swings, emotional bullying, desperate need to control others, and they all warned me that he will turn on me and I thought they were just bitter about their relationships ending poorly. What can I do for a friend with such serious emotional obstacles. Give him space, I guess.

Obla dee obla da que sera sera, or something like that.

So anyway, I am just getting home and here we are. All caught up and nowhere to go (hey, I'm sad about Curly, but I am still in a wonderful headspace inside so I can laugh at myself and enjoy my night). What? it's only 3am... do you know where your children are? This writing therapy resolves the savage beast once again. Music too. maybe some TV now. So much fun it is to write, cha cha cha.

Narf :)

Errands, Food, and just driving around

Something happened today and now, it happened yesterday so this should start more accurately with something happened yesterday and still, I suppose the point is that I did not mention it, record it, upload it, or do this thing I am doing now. I woke up in the morning, something I have been doing more often in the past month or two than I had in previous months. Preparing for an actual working life in the typical working hours. So what did I do with the day?

I did the usual internet stuff. Searching for jobs, reading, applying when feasible, watching some TV, wrote some blogs and an email, and whatever else came along. Then I headed out for a while. I kept my tire appointment at Discount Tire and had the tires put on the car. Less than thirty minutes, more than thirty dollars. More than $300, actually, but who's counting. As I mentioned yesterday, I chose the Pirelli P Zero All Season Plus tires over the Michelin Pilots. Meanwhile, in Arizona, I'd have saved $38. Wish I would have seen that before I headed to get my tires. I sent the link to the franchise of Discount Tires I used since the Arizona price was with Discount Tire as well and we shall see if they contact me. I like the tires.

After that I took care of some business and shopping and just roaming around, stopping at five other places. Fedex to take care of some printing, copying, and faxing. Copied my DD214 since I might as well use the extra points it gives me for state jobs. Faxed a copy to the state, they want a copy submitted with each application. Printed a few things and mailed out the check for the late fee for my License. I probably could have bought a printer for all I've spent at Fedex this year, but no place to put one so whatever.

I stopped at Home Depot and Walmart to find a mattress storage bag so the mattress will be as protected as possible in storage. I need to find the bug sprays I have to see if I need to buy more as I like to fumigate a storage place a day before moving things into it and then spray a mattress lightly before storing it. Picked up a few $1 flashlights and another package of microfiber underwear as they work better for sports in the heat and help keep irritation and potential bacteria and fungus away.

I drove around a while talking to Harpo because I did not feel like being indoors and then stopped for food at Publix, alas, splurging again on calories. Three stuffed cabbage, a bag of bacon cheeseburger bites (on sale), and two pepperoni hot pockets. Yeah, while I am not counting I've eaten more calories in the past week and a half than I did in the prior few weeks or perhaps months. Where is my exercise partner when I need her?

I headed home, ate, and watched TV - caught up on CBS shows and explored some Hulu, and then fell asleep.

Life is so exciting, it's sometimes hard to bear. Sarcasm too.

Narf :)

Stalling or What?

Given that this laptop crashes into a blue screen if it idles for more than a few minutes (I have not tested to predict an exact time from yet), I have two choices when I walk away from the laptop. I can put it to sleep or I can put on a video or internet TV and hope that doesn't create a kernel error or something else like it which leaving the streaming running may have done before.

So I started watching Timeless and now, I am... well... watching... and commenting...

This does not bode well for the tasks I intended to get done today.

Ok, so 35 people who were supposed to die in 1937 did not die and one person from 2016 carrying a 2016 weapon died in 1937. The question now is what differences will they bring into 2016? Guess nobody found the 2016 weapon as they searched the Hindenberg crash site (illogical).

Wearing makeup from 2016 when going back in time might be a critical error.

The flying paper gag was cute, if only the ridiculousness of even having paper that could fly around in a room that should be a spotless as a laboratory was not evident to anyone versed in science. It should be an isolation chamber with a decontamination chamber between the world and the time machine. It's not as if disease from the past that we no longer innoculate for couldn't tag along with our heros on the way back.

They had 2016 fireworks in 1861?

Ok, I lost interest in critiquing the story and continuity errors. On the other subjects, in fact, and now for something completely different.

Question: Why should the country change directions in policy and in actions?

Answer: War, bullying, and buying cooperation are not long term resolutions to anything, nor are they likely to result in sustained human life on this planet.

What should be changed/done?

Answer: Leading promotion of a greater awareness of how peaceful cooperation is the best way sustain life on this planet for the long term. Acting like a good parent, role model, and friend, but an abusive partner is what we and this world needs from a leader.

Meanwhile, in other affairs... how about them Cubbies? :)

What details? Oh, real life? Well, I finally decided on tires after doing more research online. Hours on the internet and I decided on Pirelli tires over the Michelins. Tomorrow I will be going with Pirelli P-Zero All Season Plus 215/45 R17 91W XL BSW and paying $130 a tire even though they can be had for less online. I just got tired of shopping and went to the closest place that had these tires. Anout $375 for two mounted with TPMS, lifetime balancing and rotation, road hazard, mounting, and installation.

I spoke with the local car dealer where I bought the car and with Toyota Corporate and the news was not good. I also found out it costs $169 to upgrade the maps in the car Navigator, a Toyota rip-off since a Garmin or Tom Tom can be purchased with more useful features and lifetime map updates for that price. If they would have told me that it would cost $169 a year to keep the maps up to date I would not have bought the expensive navigation package. Don't trust Toyota.

The disappointing conversation with Toyota lead me to talk to a company called Safeguard and I found out I have three types of insurance with them, but no road hazard on the tires. Another failure by the Toyota dealership as that would have been a reasonable expense that would have saved me hundreds now.

I did a few other things, applied for another job, and I watched some TV... then headed to Curly's for card night. I broke down and ate pizza there and worse for the health plan, stopped for a quesadea on the way home.I feel my food will power at a very weak low ebb again and it's been more than a week now. Sometimes the whole self-discipline thing can be a real big mess. Alone.

Still, it turns me on.

Narf :}

Another Day on the Internet

As I was saying in the brief daily blog, today I spent most of the day searching the internet for jobs, tires, insurance rates, computers, and mostly stayed on track. I made changes to my current insurance to lower the premium by increasing the deductible to $1000, cancelling the emergency road service that is priced right, but doesn't deliver emergency road service when it's actually needed, and a couple of other changes. I pay $100 less a year now and it's still highway robbery, but that's 'Murica, ain't it? Capitalism at it's finest. I also got several quotes lower than my current rate from other companies and even for a quote from Geico for $100 lower than my current rate. I will think about moving to another company once I have a job and talk to Geico before moving I move to see if all the years I've been with them (a couple of decades without a claim, actually) matters.

I found the tires I want to buy, sort of. If I splurge, I'll get Michelin Pilot Sport A/S 3+ that I found on TireRack for $142 a piece ($20 a tire to install puts it at about $340-$350 for two tires out the door). The other tires in the running are two Pirellis (P Zero plus or Cinturato P7 Plus), two Continentals (Pure Contact or True Contact), a Kuhmo (Ecsta PA31), and a General (Altimax). It will depend on the prices and availability and my splurge-factor. The two two are the safest tires, the others are safe and can provide better gas mileage. The decision is primarily which way I want to go, the safest tire (rated Excellent in safety, but very good in gas mileage and just good or less in mileage) or the best gas mileage tire among the almost safest tires (rated excellent in gas mileage but very good in safety and at least good in mileage). Most tires are rated good or less in either category. The absolute best handling tires last about half the mileage and are rated poor in gas mileage because they are softer to grip the road better but that also means they wear out much faster (like 30,000 miles or less). All of the tires on my list are at least 50,000 mile tires with good or better ride quality, very good or better handling (safety), and good or better gas mileage. Tomorrow, I shall shop the area stores.

I also learned about the latest available computers and found I can get 12GB Ram with a seventh generation i7 processor and a TB hard drive for under $700 and for a little more I can get a dedicated graphics card in a laptop weight under 5 pounds. Trading CPU down to sixth gen and adjusting some of the other components can improve some and still easily keep a laptop under $1000. heck, I can get the Surface pro 4 under $800 if I want to fo ultra portable. I am still considering a Mac, but the cost faster still puts the PCs ahead as they are so much faster and more powerful for so much less money. I saw some laptops way better than this one I use for under $500. So shop, shop, shop and as soon as I secure a new job, I shall get a new laptop.

I also applied for a few more jobs through the state job website. That's bring me so I already forgot the details, but hope springs eternal and all that jazz.

I yes, had a bit of fun cuz the internet is such a fun (and distracting) place to do anything these days (I keep my eyes open for internet jobs, especially work-from-home jobs, but most of those are scams... I think to get decent pay in a real job from home it starts with a real job with a good company that trusts you to work at home... still, I keep looking for anything and work-from-home is a category I include in my searching).

After that I played softball and hung out at the fields for a few hours getting fresh air watching other teams play. I would have too easily had been talked into going out to the sports bars to see some football and eat, so i am glad it was Monday and nobody wanted to go out anywhere. The temperature dropped into the 60s and being wet (sweaty) and hungry and sitting still I was definitely feeling the brisk chill and it felt great, but I was happy to warm up too. Yes, I know, I remember living up north and felt the 60s was warm weather. I was still in a wet short sleeved jersey, damp shorts, no socks, and slides, after all.

Heading home, to watch some internet TV... and fell asleep. The laptop did it's usual crash and it is now repeatable as it will have a blue screen within 8 minutes of no keyboard or mouse activity. The blue screens range from Critical Error to memory error to Kernel error to Page Fault error, but mostly Critical or memory when left to idle for more than five minutes. There must be something in the settings I can do to prevent that, but I'll wait until I have income again and buy a new laptop before tinkering or bringing it in anywhere. I will likely run diagnostics and attempt a fix after I get a new laptop.

That is the day that was with all it's wonderful details. Not much dirt or drama today, apologies if that disappoints, but hey, whatdya think this is, a political blog? You know where to find reality tv, just turn on the news. I hope your day was as much fun as mine. More, even. :)

Feel free to let me know :)

Looping the Loopy Loop

So now I am getting into a couple of Hulu shows. I forget the first, but it's new. Oh yeah. Chance. Watched the first two episodes and it was darkly odd. I'll try to remember to watch it as the episodes come out. Next up is 11.22.63. Stephen King, how could I not watch it. The past pushing back, well, that's a bit tough to swallow. Maybe in pront it would have come off more believable because Stephen King can make almost anything believable with his words, but on TV with King's narratives cut back to skips, well, it just takes a leap I am not sure I am ready to make. I'll give the third episode a shot and see how it goes.

I used to love to read. Used to love movies too. Used to love to share the experience, the stories, the quotes. I'd love to find friends who want to share books and movies again. One friend would be great. Someone who might want to browse and remember old film quotes could be a wonderful dinner companion if the taste was right. We can even listen, yeah (I just saved dozens, come on over... come on, come on over now or I shall taunt you, perhaps even vigorously.

Meanwhile, Go Cubbies!

So what's going on in the real world today (or what happened, since I tend to summarize in these daily blogs) and is the question rhetorical or of interest to anyone outside of my head? There's always hope (and that forever smile of knowing).

What else is going on? Finally changed the sheets and washed the mattress pad and sorted all the clothes not packed and washed clothes and went to a garden party with bikers in leather and chains and ate barbecue and cake and more and listen to music and watched youtube and watched a bunch of TV and blah blah blah blah blah. Oh right, this is the details, dirt, and drama (not necessarily in that order.

Woke up, got out of bed... not even sure I own a comb though. Music always helps me remember, even when I am not a savage beast. Life is good, sometimes, even when it is challenging. Lots of challenges these days, as if some outsode forces want me to do something, or just go away. Summarizing the days is sometimes challenging when I let a few days or more pass. A week, that can be such an empty void, sometimes. Sometimes I just want to forget everything and start over. Sometimes I don't even want to start over. Used to be that I would wake charged up with energy and all excited to bouncing into a new day of fund (even if it was not day-morning like normal schedules since I did not follow normal schedules through much of this life because this body/mind circadian rhythm is nocturnal... you may have heard me mention that before). Sometimes I just ramble on for no apparent reason. Sometimes I ramble on until I remember something. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

So today. Right, that's where we were going with this. What happened today... I took a shower and then got softball dressed. This morning was the first 50 degree morning so I broke out the long sleeve undergarments and winter softball socks and was comfy as can be. I found a flat tire when I went out to the car but it was o to drive to an air pump. Two air pumps, actually, and neither would fill the tire. Thought it might be the valve, but then I saw the nail in the side of the tire. Maybe it was there all along and 20 degree drop in temperature effected the seal around it. Maybe someone put a nail in the tire, but do I know anyone that vindictive and unpredictable? Unfortunately, the answer to that question may be yes, but let's not go there for now.

The jack that came with the car sucked, so I called road service through Geico hoping they might send a truck with an air compressor and maybe even the tools to fix the flat. They sent Pop-A-Lock. At least they said they sent them. They estimated 45 a minute wait time. I called Pop-A-Lock directly and they confirmed that they would be there in 35 minutes. After 60 minutes passed, well, you can read my meaningless complaint about poor service. I have not needed road service in almost three years and decided to it from my Geico policy and rejoined AAA. More expensive, but better benefits and unless they've changed dramatically, more reliable. Also, discounts.

I pondered the tire some more. I drove it to the BBQ Saturday and then drove home and noticed no pull to the left so it was holding air. I parked in my usual spot. Somwhow Sunday morning it was very low on air. Did I stop anywhere? I don't think so. Alas. The bad news is the tire can't be fixed and worse, they are sports rims and the cheapest tires for the car are $100 a pice and the tires I would ordinarily buy are $170 a piece and I do not like putting one new tire on a car. Two tires, $350. Or two cheap less safe terrible ride tires, $200. Sucks to be poor.

I made it to the fields. It was a good softball day. I had excellent control of my pitches in both games. We won our league game and then I pitched for the all-star game and we won that one too. I struck out more than a few batters in each game, striking out the last batter looking to end the second game.

There were a few challenges. The body was trying to pass kidney stones all through the games and they finally passed after the game. A lot of them, all red. I wonder if the red wine vinegar is contributing. More likely the red meat I are as that has caused it in the past, especially ribs. Haven't had red meat in the past two months.

Still, a good day. Closing it out with some TV as I nod off.

Narf :)

More to Follow

What else is going on? Finally changed the sheets and washed the mattress pad and sorted all the clothes not packed and washed clothes and went to a garden party with bikers in leather and chains and ate barbecue and cake and more and watched a bunch of TV and blah blah blah blah blah.

More to follow, probably...

Narf :)

Frustrated

Some nights softball gets frustrating because umpires are weak, don't know the rules, and are influenced or even intemidated by the other team. There is one team on Fridays that does that anytime they are in a close game and that is every time we play them for the first few innings. They tell the ump I am doing something wrong on the mound and the ump gives me a warning. I ask the ump the rule I violated and he repeats what the other team said, but I did not violate the rule. I don't want to argue with the ump, but it puts me in a position of not being able to pitch safely so all I cal do is lob the ball over the plate and trust my defense. We lost a lot to a little once again.

It was 9-5 going into the fifth inning and errors (and two walks by me) cost 6 of those nine runs we gave up. The other team knew they were having trouble hitting my pitching so they started sniping in the umpires ear (and mine) which is technically against the rules, but the weak umpire allowed it until their third base coach aggressively snapped at the umpire and he repeated what the third base coach said to me. I asked who is umpiring the game and asked the second base umpire to help the umpire behind the plate because he was allowing the other team to intimidated him. They had a private talk and the game went on.

A couple of pitches later the other team third base coach, while I was pitching, warned me that if I pitched too fast I'd be ejected. That is verbal interference but instead of the umpire cautioning him, the umpire called the pitch I just threw excessive speeed. The umpire told me to slow my pitches down. I asked why he didn't call it excessive speed until the third base coach told him to and he ifnored me. I asked if he was giving me a warning because the third base coach told him to and he said no. I asked if he was giving me a warning at all and he said no, just slow your pitches down. I asked if he knew the rules and I asked if he knew that we were playing USSSA and not ASA rules and he said just pitch.

I said ok, you want the game to be over I'll throw meatballs since the other team complained about my good pitches. I threw meatballs the rest of the inning, they batted around twice and we lost.

Umpires hold the players safety in their hands. An umpire that does not know the rules is a poor umpire. An umpire that allows another team to influence him is a bad umpire. An umpire that allows another team to restrict a pitcher on judgment calls he does not make on his own is a dangerous umpire. I get frustrated when we have a dangerous umpire and we did tonight.

So I am here letting it out and moving on. I decided not to go out to the bars frustrated because I would eat something and I ate too much splurge food already this week (2x to the Chinese buffet and a piece of lasagna and bread at Excel and the Commodore's place) and I must return to the strict calorie count for at least another week or two before another splurge in calories.

Friends must be busy as they are not responding to texts. Or they are on Facebook, which seems to have replaced actual conversations and physical interactions for many people. So I am here on my own. Life goes on. Maybe some TV shows are in order as I have not watched anything since last week.

What are you doing tonight? :)

Must Have Been Sleeping

In a semi stated dream, I listened to some music and may have been enamoured once upon a time by such a who gives a fuck attitude and perspective (and an amusing sense of humor and some sort of unique perspective and intelligence and insight, or something like that), maybe I should analyze this or just leave it alone. Alone, I will probably let it be, but feel free to jump in at any time.

I really welcome input, even more than Johnney Five.

Mixing up times and time frames and time zones and time in a bottle, not to mention time outs (but does anybody really know what times it is and I don't just mean in Chicago), it could have been another day or another night, but I spend most of the afternoon on YouTube and Facebook, among other things, watching this kid and this one too. As Jen Chapin sang, I could fall in love with you a few times. Agism, of course, would consider it bad form (as Hook would say) so I shall love the music and fall in love with the creativity as I usually do. I am not in my twenties anymore, after all. lol lam... what? Why so serious? :)

If you are not laughing, get a sense of humor.

Meanwhile, I will be enjoying the music and the laughter and hope you find yours soon. If you are interested in expanding your musical repetoire and experience and imagination and pleasures even further, here are seven more new artists to check out in no particular order one two three four five six seven.

So yeah, the music massaged my brain cells and hope sprang eternal once again as youth and honesty and innocence and genuineness inspired a smile about humanity which does not come around much these days.

I have always held to the belief that there are times, not times, moments, when the right word, motion, a single touch, might heal. I have held this, though I know the workings of the world will not permit these words or emotions, there will be no grand gestures or inteventions, they are all images seen through a glass darkly, in the midst of my own decline. ~ Chance

Rather bipolar of me, perhaps, but then, who are we to judge what makes a good roller coaster without actually riding it? Feel free to quote me on any or all or part of sympathetic logic, no doubt, for it will bring you only pain and suffering if you want to, but don't for reasons you would not choose to explain. The darkness is all around the light, after all.

Nightmares are not always what you dream when your asleep.

So how about those Cubs? ;)

Narf :)

Lost Another Entry (Computer Woes)

I saved it, but a critical process died error ate it.

I finally believe I figured out what has been going on with this laptop. It started with the September cummulative update of Windows 10. BSOD, Blue Screen of Death, the most annoying error of all. Apparently, it is Windows 10.

Product not tested for Windows 10 upgrade

Dell is not testing or developing Windows 10 drivers for this product. If you choose to upgrade, some features, applications, and connected devices may not work as expected.

I found this guy's site to be very helpful in finding the solution, which is ultimately reformmating the hard drive and putting Windows 7 back on it. That means starting all over with another computer, so it'll take some time to record every program I want to install on the new computer. I might try this and other troubleshooting tips when I get a new computer and can experiment on this one. until then, I tread very carefully.

The BSOD Critical Process Died happens consistently when I let the laptop idle for more than five minutes. It may be some corrupted files or incompatibility with some sleep setting or screensaver setting or hard drive setting. I adjuested the settings I could adjust and suspect it is a hard drive, BIOS, or Kaspersky software incompatibility with the latest Wondows 10 drivers, but I am just guessing. this reddit conversation seems to support the sleep setting issue.

I manually put the computer into sleep mode when I walk away for more than a few minutes and that seems to help, though I have not tested and repeated it scientifically just yet. The pain is I can't just leave the computer on and open waiting for emails which sucks while doing a job search.

I decided to try some of the suggestions on this site because they are windows command prompts and do not appear to be a hidden sales pitch or an installation of software not already part of Windows. I am running sfc/scandisk now. I've just got to wait and keep the computer active so the crash will not interrupt.

Sfc/scannow takes a while and I am nodding off while waiting, Sat up because nodding off means the computer will likely crash and interrupt scan. Also, the bladder wants emptying. Yes, the toils and troubles (and trials and tribulations, don't forget those) of the techie at work. I shall risk a trip to the potty (the technical term, you know, cuz I am getting all geeked out now).

Returning to the laptop, all is continuing. It withstood me stepping away for approximately 48.62 seconds. I see that the verification phase is 91% complete. Tic tic tic... ok, done. Windows Resource Protection did not find any integrity errors. Time to get bolder and dive deeper into my potential tech geekiness.

So I move on to try Dism /Online /Cleanup-Image /ScanHealth and see what happens. I says "No component store corruption detected. The operation completed successfully"

So I move on to Dism /Online /Cleanup-Image /CheckHealth which returns the same message, nothing wrong, nothing to see here. I still move on to Dism /Online /Cleanup-Image /RestoreHealth just to finish the process. Another 15 or more minutes to fuddle about. Hopefully my use of technical jardon like fuddle and potty are not going too far over your head and making this record of the progress of the process an unpleasant experience for you. I'd offer you some refreshements, but you still have not gotten here. I did invite you over in one of these entries, after all. Even if you are not all geeked out or a film afficianado, you are more than welcome, you are encouraged to attend.

Ten or fifteen minutes later, as I was reading still more about the issues Windows 10 users are having, the Command Prompt screen tells me that "The restore operation completed successfully. The operation completed successfully. so whatever it did, it was successful. Apparently twice. yes, that is techie sarcasm. So where to go from here? I can simply test the computer by walking away for 10 minutes and seeing if the blue screen happens, but before that I will check a few other things. Like the sleep and hibernation settings.

Well, I will come back to sleep and hinernation settings because the command prompt powercfg -hibernation off gives me a respense of invalid parameters. The command prompt screen then tells me to try /? for help and the response to that prompt is '/?' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file. There does not appear to be a way to ask the command prompt window why it suggests something that isn't there. Microsoft, yeah.

Checking Device Manager shows me that all of my drivers are up to date.

Moving on to checking the hard drives, the simple check done by right clicking on the drive, going to the tools menu, and clicking Check Drive showed no errors on any of my drives. I chose to folow up by optimizing the drive and during that process, another BSOD appeared with the same Critical Process Died message. So all the morning work noted in this entry did not stop the BSOD.

I turned the laptop off and started it up again and it started up just fine, which is the recent positive news as for a few weeks it was not starting up fine. At times I would hear a beep or two or three or four, indicators of various types of failures from disk to memory. I included that information in an entry somewhere. I would have to shut it down with the power button and try again, sometimes a few times, before a good boot would happen. The past few days, that has not been the case. Maybe Windows 10 upgrades are fixing the issues and Microsoft is doing their usual poor communication about the poor product updates. It's like a car company putting out a new model that crashes and then fixing the problems with the model when you take it in for service without telling you there was a problem and you are lucky your new model hasn't crashed before the first or next scheduled service.

Anyway, I am going to download Seagate Tools to check the hard drives because Dell support told me the internal hard drive was going to crash at any moment after they wan some test and I suspect they were just trying to sell me a new computer or charge me $149 to replace the hard drive.

And there it is, the Seagate Tools found that the hard drive failed. Another BSOD happened as I was letting it scan the drive while I was reading more information on the Seagate page. It recommends a complete back up before proceeding further and that is what I am doing now, using the Seagate software I downloaded from the website. I didn't install the software that came on the drive because I rarely do, but I will install that too and see if it is any different. The backup is in progress, I think, though I have no idea what is being backed up. The software says it will do it continuously as I update files, which is exactly what I want. I think. lol... so much to learn.

Remember Memories?

Don't you remember? (all this confusion is just an illusion). The message was right there all along (does anybody i actually know in life offline ever really read this?) (seriously?).

All day in the car, then all evening sitting playing cards makes for a sore butt and tight muscles. Woke early for the fingerprinting for the screening for the job I interviewed for yesterday and then took care of printing papers and driving them down to the office. So the process is complete from my end and now the wait begins. Meanwhile, the search continues. Today, however, I drove around town and while I did not get some things I wanted to do done, I did get a sense of the potential traffic experience if I get the new job. Just think, I could have been Ubering. I searched for buffet restaurants on the east side of town and found none so I eventually rode back to the west side of town and splurged on the Crazy Buffet. Shrimp in all shapes and sizes. After dinner I drove back to the east side to play cards at Curly's place. It was the usual oddness, but mostly fun. I had a few chips and salsa but did not eat the hot dogs and beans. Arriving home, the bowels were released as usual and here we are, summing up the day.

All the fun of the fair. :)

Long Busy Day

Getting sufficient sleep is not underrated. Again last night I went to bed at a reasonable hour and slept at least eight hours. Seemed better than most nights. I woke relaxed and took my time getting excited (and slightly stressed) over the interview scheduled for this morning. I was able to review typical questions for this particular position (Child Protective Investigator) and felt confident and relaxed by the time I got to the state offices. The interview went well, in fact, the program manager remarked more in the affirmative and a few times repeated one of the phrases in one of my answers, the third time adding that was a notable phrase and she is definitely going to remember it. I joked that there's no charge if she also remembers me and the room laughed. There were two interviewers, the manager and a senior investigator.

Many signs point to an offer, but it'll likely take a couple or few weeks as it is a state position. The signs were not just positive feedback and the manager concluding that I definitely had the right approach and skills for the job, but the paperwork included all the new hire paperwork an organization gives after they decide to hire someone. Things the organization has to pay for like screenings and internal set ups (computer access forms, car insurance stipend forms, and other new hire forms only needed by employees). Hopefully the state just doesn't waste money, paper, and man-hours on every single applicant.

I spent the rest of the day driving around following up on requirements. Peed into a cup for the drug test, scheduled a fingerprint screening for tomorrow, called my auto insurance carrier to switch my auto insurance to business use (which is $355 more a year out of my pocket so I hope they either hire me or let me know I can cancel that increase quick), and running back and forth to the print place to fax and print and copy cuz I don't have a fax or printer or copier home or available nearby. And a few other things.

It was a full day of running around and even without food (ok, two carrots for dinner and a yogurt snack a few minutes ago), I felt no noticeable fatigue. I headed home for the evening and relaxed a bit before the late game and am just returning from softball. We lost to a really good team 15-6 and though they hit pretty well, we made a whole lot of errors, mostly because they hit the ball so hard.

So it was certainly a long busy day, two carrots.

Life is good. :)

Sunday Softball and Other Fun, Frolic, and a Few Frustrations

Another Sunday, another softball game. Two, in fact, and we won both. 15-13 in the first game and 8-7 on a walk off hit in the second game. We did not play well with the outfield dropping balls and getting beat left and right, every inning. The infield was much shakier than usual. Luckily we got clutch hits when we needed them. Barney (assistant coach, Coach was not there and sure enough we did not choke and came through in the clutch, seems to be a pattern for both of his teams... his other team won 22-1... anyway, moving along nothing to see here) moved me down to 7th in the lineup and that hurt us at first as the guy he put fourth sucked for a few at bats. He hasn't been to any practices and misses a lot of games and definitely does not play his position well (outfield), especially when rusty. He dropped a few balls that his him in the center of his glove. Did I mention a few frustrations?

We would have won both games easily without the errors. So what else is new?

I wish they would post the box scores and statistics because I love numbers and have a competitive streak, especially with myself. I don't have the patience to keep track at the fields while playing and the book doesn't seem to mean much in Coach's hands. He rarely calls out the information the book can provide on the other team and doesn't share how we did in any consistent manner. He is so spread out in this life, her doesn't give much to softball anymore. Not much we can do. Other coaches still try to win me over to join their team but there is just one I'd want to play for if I left. Not leaving the team yet though, the core really does want to win and can win big if they play at their best.

There was also other fun and some frolic, but I forget. Fatigue.

So today was a fun day in the sun watching a few games and playing two close ones. I watched most of Jackson's game and they won a close one on a walk off hit as well. I got to say hi to her for a quick minute after her game. Even got a Jackson hug (she rarely hugs, she is very protective of her personal space and uncomfortable hugging. She doesn't hang around to watch my games anymore which is sad but I understand, life is her and her girlfriend and their animals. I didn't go out afterwards to save money, not be tempted to consume calories, and rest. I woke about 4am this morning and I'm tired.

Still a much fun day. Hope your day was fun too :)

Last Chance for Mary Jane?

The title has so much depth and idle reference and irreverence that it woule be quite amusing if I took off with it and left the world behind, but I do not seem to be heading in that direction in spite of the goodish mood and desire to play. Could be because I am feeling so far behind myself in my writing record of this life and could be I am simply bored with amusing myself all by myself and want more interaction. In any case, whatever. lol. Oh loosen up.

What was brief, now becomes dirt, drama, and details in this two-step blog process (links included for the newbees among us). Yes, I did fall asleep early last night, some time shortly after 7pm, as yesterday was an active day that started about 5am. I woke three or four times, at least twice to empty the bladder (thanks to modern medicine and the side effects of the blood pressure medication that contains a diuretic) but I did I slept most of 9 or ten hours and this morning I finished and uploaded partial entries including the babblings started last week that kind of petered out, but still amuse.

Yesterday's 5K (brisk walk with a little jog finishing in 45 minutes... pathetic for the runner in me, but second place in my age group... that is so sad on so many levels but the good news is I processed the sad and enjoyed the morning) and then walking around with Jane afterward. She treated for the 5K and for lunch (very yummy sushi) as well as getting me some cashews and multi-colored carrots. We went back to her place and ate some veggies for breakfast and then went for a walk around her mini-downtown market area (Winter Garden, in case you ever want to explore a cool little town) exploring various events (weekly farmers market, Octoberfest, and a few other activities going on) and then the lunch. Torched salmon over shrimp, cream cheese, and rice with a saffron sauce. A calorie splurge well worth it.

Between the race, breakfast, and lunch I was not a cheap date, but Jane insisted and I adore her for the consistent friendship over the years. She might have done some Yoga if I was not there, but I was not into it and so we just walked around. There was a time I was the one in better shape, but she's been running the past few years and I have not, so our fitness roles have definitely reversed. I need to use her as inspiration from afar as she lives 25-30 minutes away (she sold her house and moved into an apartment with a view of Lake Apopka last month) and knocking on the door every morning to drag me out for a run is not happening. She would if she was a walking neighbor, so I shall try to motivate myself with her in mind (she's the only running friend I've got these days... everyone else close to me is a couch potato... so stop looking for motivation and inspiration from outside, right?).

In spite of the computer issues causing lost entries, I watched the last few episodes of American Gothic on internet TV once I got back here and enjoyed the mystery and outcome in spite of the mostly soap opera feel and dark filming technique, then started to watch something else but fell asleep and rolled into bed. Waking now, the abdominal bloat is evident, weird and concerning given I am not eating a lot and eating a healthy diet. Hopefully I will have a job and health insurance before the body ends up in the hospital.

What's that? Not laughing? Well you really do need an attitude adjustment, don't you?

Nudge nudge wink wink :)

Narf :)


So how was your night? :)

LOL, narf :)

Farts and Letters

The meeting at the help place was disappointing as the case worker was nervous and impatient (constant leg tapping, minimal eye contact) and I sensed she did not see me as someone who needed help. I suppose she is used to people in much more dire straights than I am, like people who do not have a car to move into or people who have no job or job search skills, which is very sad. I thought I was going to find out about some assistance programs, but she only focused on job searching and for survival I am on my own. It's kind of like when you feel like you are ready to let loose a really good bowel movement but all you do is pass a little gas. Or something like that.

I am in the system now, for better or worse, so we shall see what happens.

Meanwhile, my primary concern beyond having a roof over my head and food to eat is health issues and there is no resolution to the check up this body needs. pain at the anus (and blood) continues with each defecation and while I continue to home hemorrhoids are the cause, the lingering concerns about something more serious remain. That's the kind of eat-away-at-everything-good stress that takes years off a life that most humans apparently accept or choose and it really is the saddest aspect of humanity I've come across so far in this money-driven world where health care is only available for those who can pay for it. Let the poor die is so inhumane, not to mention painfully reflective of the hypocrisy of religions so many pretend to believe make them good people.

I am hoping that the supplements I am taking daily will adjust the lab results and remedy some of the ailments annoying (and killing) this body, but I won't know that until I can get more tests done and I am not sure how many free lab tests I can get in a year. The doctor who ordered the tests never called me so she must not consider the results serious (or simply lost me in the paper shuffle), but I am taking them seriously because they point to potentially serious hospitalization and other very expensive medical care in my future. I can't afford a kidney transplant, after all, and the lab results say I am half way to kidney failure. Crossing the line into Type-2 Diabetes can lead to more serious ailments like blindness so reducing my A1C is a priority. I am realizing so much has been left out of the blogs over the past few months.

Mostly farts. Oh sure, there is the butt reports and the back reports and the other ailments, but I think I've neglected to include many of the medical details even in the body blog, which is a sign of repression and suppression and denial and avoidance and giving up on anyone caring enough about whether I live or die to ask, no less actually do something to help. Not that too many people are in the position to help, but a few who are supposed to be very close to me and say they care deeply about me are and they avoid the serious subjects. Sigh.

It's not all depressing news, like I read that the raw potato starch and apple cider vinegar often produces a lot of gas but that's not been the case for me (ah, finally we come directly to the title of the entry, aye?... well, there are literal farts and figurative farts (among other kinds of farts we do not need to explore at the moment), but you see I wasn't just farting around about farting around, after all). I was always more of a burper than a farter and I am burping even more than I used to, especially at times between meals, so there is the gas effect I suppose. The digestive effect (softening stools and reglar bowel movements) seem to be happening, but I won't know if the sugar processing is improving or if the levels are dropping until I can get the next lab tests. Preoccupied, am I? Hopefully the dietary changes are having the desired effect.

Did I ever share the last lab results?

Most of the details of life are pouring into letters to J these days. Nobody responds here and recently I am finding that I am more interested in responses than in babbling most days, so it is a blessing that J is able and willing to respond. The rest of you can ask for details as you wish and I will likely sort through all the letters to J and insert entries into this blog when the mood strikes me and time permits, but for now and for the first time in a very long time, the blogs are taking a secondary place in the written gardens and letters are moving back to prominence. That is how it was for some years before the advent of internet blogging and perhaps the hope that personalized actual caring will return in the written world again. J proves it is still possible (more thanks than words can express dear J) :)

So dear readers (except for J) and local friends, life goes on without you. I miss some of you a lot, but I accept your choice not to share with me and do my best to read your absence with a positive perspective hoping you are enjoying life so much that there's just no time to keep in touch beyond your immediate daily physical world. I care as much as I always do and I hope reading that inspires your smile.

Good morning :)

Distraction For The Half-Win

So I went on the the laptop because I woke and was not falling back to sleep and I intended to either write for me (and you) here or write a letter to J but mail was checked (cuz that is where I'd be writing a letter, right?) and that lead me all over the place as I realized Chrome suddenly logged me in as me (instead of what it has been doing the past few days (that was another lost entry), dang Microsoft which is logging me in as Jackson, among other potentially devastating abnormalities) and I had access to my other emails directly through my first email so I checked my other emails and, well, here if you want a little more on that and that lead me to all sorts of things but I finally got to J's email and started writing about the new place because that is what she started with and in telling her about the place and neighborhood I searched for a couple of bits of information and had to log into a site for one bit which lead me back to email because I forgot the password and did not have it listed in any password file and there I found an email from my new roommate about a talk he is giving on Fractals so I decided it would be important to set up a filter and after doing that I realized I did not put an event I am going to in my calendar so I started doing that and when I opened my phone I realized I had not responded to Jackson's good night text even though I typed a response so I explained and clicked send and sent it and then opened the calendar to put the event in it and decided to come here to provide this example of multi-tasking (or distraction) that I do so often or well, depending on your perspective.

Sort of half-assed, but whatever.

Feel free to inquire.

Comment, even.

Any Moment Now

This laptop may cease to function. Dell Inspiron N5010 purchased five or six years ago by Jackson (I always thought that I bought it for her but I may be mistaken) is reaching the end of it's run without some serious repair work. the latest signs are ominous. I must, even at this critical financial juncture, shop for a new computer as without one, the job search grinds to a halt and life does not go on well.

All that was and so much more online will be disconnected, however temporarily, abd you and I may never get the chance to dance our sweet romance or even meet in real time. Yes, the one. Yes, my love. Yes, it is all for you, for us, and for the wonder of it all.

I woke tonight thinking about all the stuff, material stuff, in storage. Five hundred thousand rows in a spreadsheet would not contain an itemized accounting for what is there. A million rows would be a start as long as each row could have sub-rows within listing. Some would say that is a ridiculous waste of time and material. Some would say that is an adventure of a lifetime. I am on the for latter end of the perspective eager to slide down from that material mountain into pure existentialism as we explore, item by item, the relative value and meaning of each and then, use it for the wonder and excitement it holds.

Understand this and you are close.

Meanwhile, the body breathes and the work all around me, preparation to move once again, waits. I hope to motivate myself to do some serious packing today. That does not mean throwing things into boxes casually because the boxes will be going into offsite storage and will require a drive and an extrication to access as I must maximize storage space by filling every square inch as much as possible. So packing means, ideally, sorting through every box and re-packing a few boxes to keep with me in the room in which I will be sleeping and then prioritizing the rest so the items most likely needed will be most readily accessible in the packed storage. That also requires labeling each box so that the labels are easily visible when the boxes are stacked and also, again ideally, creating a floor plan or map of the boxes so any item can be located without opening and searching many, if not all of the boxes. Discarding as much as possible would be beneficial in this process. I have approximately two weeks to get this done.

Pounding through my mind like a persistent bell and, at times, like the constant shrill of of tinnitus is the longing to share. Somewhere along the way in this life before I could consciously acknowledge awareness and long before I had real choices in this physical world I decided that sharing was the purpose for me in this life. Ideally, completely open honest sharing of unconditional trust and love as much as possible in these human bodies in this physical life and then, always reaching for the infinite as yet imaginary experience of becoming one shared entity. Reviewing the decades gone by, assessing my progress toward achieving this purpose is not as complex as it may seem. So far, not so good. Many times I've seriously considered giving up on the purpose and called it a dream gone by or failure, but the longing persists no mater what I do and any thought or energy put into turning away from the goal is wasted. So I go on, even when I do not move, even when I appears to be sliding backwards into whatever, an abyss of depressive apathy or a life of superficial distraction or the apparent success of material wealth or, as I said, whatever.

Feel free to jump in here at any time with an opinion or observation.

So I have two external hard drives connected to this laptop now and everything I do is saved on one or the other. I will, perhaps today, perhaps the day the laptop no longer boots up at all, take the laptop to the geek squad at best buy for an assessment and then, likely, purchase a new inexpensive computer for temporary use to continue the job search and the therapy and the distraction and pleasure that interaction with a computer brings to me. The computer is the communication tool that gives me purpose in this life on a deeper level than anything shared in the physical reality because no one in my current reality shares the deeper levels within me. All I ever needed was the one, as Bernie wrote and Elton sang, and she (or he) has not appeared as yet in this lifetime. I wait, at times I search, and I write.

Any moment now, everything can change.

Narf :)

Lost This One

As I was sorta saying, because whatever. I seem to be intermittently, with more frequency of late (late being the last few months or so), pausing in the uploading and slowing in the writing. I have written more emails to J in the past few months than I have in a few years (usually we write much more sporadically) and she is helping me a lot to deal with the current life challenges and stresses and changes that depending on others can bring (especially when the person is secretive, has sudden mood swings, and communicates poorly.

And now, the computer is becoming another distraction or obstacle or whatever because it is crashing and words are being lost. This entry, for instance, was a lot longer than it is now but most of it was lost in a crash before it was saved. My personal physical reality is not a shiny happy place these days (is it ever?... well, yes, even if the imperfections are highlighted a bit too much for the average eye to see... luckily, we are not the average eyes, right?... a lot of people are, unfortunately, especially a lot of those closest to me these past years... I really must change that), but the child inside still enjoys most every moment. Child inside is mostly silent when there is no one the play with because having fun requires no record or communication when no one is around.

Anybody understand what I mean? (there's always hope :)

So after cards and light conversation and light fun with friends and fiends (as Harpo would call some people, though for different reasons than we;d think, perhaps), I drove home and made every light all the way to the I4 overpass (which is very rare) clocking 14 minutes (probably close to the fastest ever) and made it to the door in 22 minutes (also rare, but definitely not the fastest). I set the towels to wash for the third time (maybe I'll remember to take them out of the washer and hang them up tonight) and sat down here.

So what else is new? :)

As for the cards (in case there isn't enough dirt, drama, and details here already), I ended up second in Hearts and first in spades in spite of the scoring manipulations that seem to be more common lately with Curly becoming less and less friendly and more and more critical of everything I do. For that reason and also because of my dietary changes I do nothing but show up and play cards these days. I used to show up early and help clean the place and set up and a lot of other things. I give Curly as little as possible to criticize and it seems more pleasant for everyone that way. Knobby was first in hearts and Excel was second in spades. Everyone seemed to have fun except Curly and I after trying everything I could to talk to him about what's bothering him, I've finally stepped back and there is much less friction.

I did some reading about Garcinia Cambogia which is hyped for weight loss by body builders and others and also HCA (lost those links) and something about:

Choose a preparation that is at a minimum 50 percent HCA and is not composed wholly of calcium salts: Make sure potassium (K) and/or magnesium (Mg) is present. If the product has a low lactone )pr lactose?)content, that is even better.

Be sure to take an adequate dose. For a Ca/K preparation used successfully and reported in a peer-reviewed publication, the dose of extract was near 1.5 g, three times per day before meals. In this 60 percent HCA preparation, that approximates 0.9 g of HCA prior to each meal.

Take the preparation on an empty stomach, i.e., 30-60 minutes before each meal.

Take the right dose at the right time.

The computer crashed during that research so maybe I will return to it down the road, but for now, I stil with the supplements on hand (Multi-vitamin, Vitamin B Complex, Vitamin C, Iron, Garlic, Cinnamon, Chromium, Omega Fat complex, Apple Cider Vinegar, Raw Potato Starch) along with a diet of mostly raw veggies, nutes, salads, yogurt, and canned (unfortunately canned fits in with the camping-like lifestyle) tuna, salmon, chicken, and clams and the occasional buffet where I can have raw fish and cooked foods (shrimp, fish, duck, eggplant, and some sauces and something else to satisfy the taste buds).

That's some of what was in this entry before it was lost to the crash. So what's going on in your world? (yes, I want to know, still) :)