Scared

Scared of losing the laptop as a writing implement... scared of losing the internet as a communication tool... scared of living in th e car again... scared of the body deteriorating without daily bathing and proper care... scared of dying... in the grand scheme of things, this appears to be the order of fears at the present time. Though three and four are relatively dependant on each other so three, four, and five are about tied. Scared of losing touch with myself and scared of feeling alone and scared of being alone, three separate fears, might actually slide in ahead of them because they are dependant on the first two. It all makes sense to me and as much as I wish someone would understand me as I do, that is not as imperative as the writing, the connection, and staying alive.

I've been off the grid before. I actually enjoyed it in younger years. Now, thoughts of dying alone are not pleasant and I'd rather be sharing than being alone. The dream of finding someone to share daily life is stronger than ever, but the hope has waned to a point of apathy. That is so sad.

Fear of dying alone, fear of losing what I own, fear of losing respect from my friends, fear of seeing how they all pretend to care when I have more to share but when I have nothing left they are not there.

I have gained a lot of knowledge through education
I have gained even more through experience
I have had success that others only dream of
I have left it all behind at great expense

I have flown to the top of the mountain
I have sunk to the depths of destitution
I make choices that got me to everywhere I've been
I wanted to know how it feels to be human

And all I've learn through all the ups and downs
is you can't always trust a smile or a frown

people are puzzles with pieces missing
pieces they hide from even themselves
sometimes priorities are so disordered
they hide in books they keep on their shelves

Ones who are seen as the most successful
are often the unhappiest humans alive
Ones who are seen as total failures
often know joy is in how they survive
(often know best how to make joy survive)

What are the standards that bring us respect
What are the fears that make us reject
all we pretend to believe under steeples
matters little when we are judging people

So you can keep all of your gold and your glitter
the respect it brings is shallow and cold
the truth will surround you when you least expect it
with sycophants and vultures when you are old

Suddenly I am not nearly so afraid anymore :)