Any Moment Now

This laptop may cease to function. Dell Inspiron N5010 purchased five or six years ago by Jackson (I always thought that I bought it for her but I may be mistaken) is reaching the end of it's run without some serious repair work. the latest signs are ominous. I must, even at this critical financial juncture, shop for a new computer as without one, the job search grinds to a halt and life does not go on well.

All that was and so much more online will be disconnected, however temporarily, abd you and I may never get the chance to dance our sweet romance or even meet in real time. Yes, the one. Yes, my love. Yes, it is all for you, for us, and for the wonder of it all.

I woke tonight thinking about all the stuff, material stuff, in storage. Five hundred thousand rows in a spreadsheet would not contain an itemized accounting for what is there. A million rows would be a start as long as each row could have sub-rows within listing. Some would say that is a ridiculous waste of time and material. Some would say that is an adventure of a lifetime. I am on the for latter end of the perspective eager to slide down from that material mountain into pure existentialism as we explore, item by item, the relative value and meaning of each and then, use it for the wonder and excitement it holds.

Understand this and you are close.

Meanwhile, the body breathes and the work all around me, preparation to move once again, waits. I hope to motivate myself to do some serious packing today. That does not mean throwing things into boxes casually because the boxes will be going into offsite storage and will require a drive and an extrication to access as I must maximize storage space by filling every square inch as much as possible. So packing means, ideally, sorting through every box and re-packing a few boxes to keep with me in the room in which I will be sleeping and then prioritizing the rest so the items most likely needed will be most readily accessible in the packed storage. That also requires labeling each box so that the labels are easily visible when the boxes are stacked and also, again ideally, creating a floor plan or map of the boxes so any item can be located without opening and searching many, if not all of the boxes. Discarding as much as possible would be beneficial in this process. I have approximately two weeks to get this done.

Pounding through my mind like a persistent bell and, at times, like the constant shrill of of tinnitus is the longing to share. Somewhere along the way in this life before I could consciously acknowledge awareness and long before I had real choices in this physical world I decided that sharing was the purpose for me in this life. Ideally, completely open honest sharing of unconditional trust and love as much as possible in these human bodies in this physical life and then, always reaching for the infinite as yet imaginary experience of becoming one shared entity. Reviewing the decades gone by, assessing my progress toward achieving this purpose is not as complex as it may seem. So far, not so good. Many times I've seriously considered giving up on the purpose and called it a dream gone by or failure, but the longing persists no mater what I do and any thought or energy put into turning away from the goal is wasted. So I go on, even when I do not move, even when I appears to be sliding backwards into whatever, an abyss of depressive apathy or a life of superficial distraction or the apparent success of material wealth or, as I said, whatever.

Feel free to jump in here at any time with an opinion or observation.

So I have two external hard drives connected to this laptop now and everything I do is saved on one or the other. I will, perhaps today, perhaps the day the laptop no longer boots up at all, take the laptop to the geek squad at best buy for an assessment and then, likely, purchase a new inexpensive computer for temporary use to continue the job search and the therapy and the distraction and pleasure that interaction with a computer brings to me. The computer is the communication tool that gives me purpose in this life on a deeper level than anything shared in the physical reality because no one in my current reality shares the deeper levels within me. All I ever needed was the one, as Bernie wrote and Elton sang, and she (or he) has not appeared as yet in this lifetime. I wait, at times I search, and I write.

Any moment now, everything can change.

Narf :)