Tomorrow Came Yesterday

More work at work today and tomorrow, so I should sit up too late, but there are things in my head that need to come out so I can rest easier tonight. Remember the nightmare of a few days past? Did I not mention it? Foolish if I didn't, but whatever, this is an entry started yesterday in the middle of the night (or was it early morning) in another entry (in case it matters) and continued later that day in pieces and now, it is tomorrow as far as the entry that starts in the next paragraph is concerned, but since it's always today, none of this time talk may matter.

Yesterday, there was a late night, or maybe middle of the night entry (as the time-date stamp shows), sent by email from the phone after waking to use to empty the bladder and move from the recliner, where I nodded off some time after dinner, to the bed. It appears I slept more than a few hours, though I woke a few times due to neck or other bodily discomforts and it appears from the daily darker circles under my eyes and other signs that I am not sleeping as restfully as I used to. Am I repeating myself? Is it important enough to repeat? Will it help me remember? Will it help me get help remembering? Will it save y life? This is a recent occurrence, increasing pain in the left side upon waking (pretty certain it is renal system related, but uncertain if it might be digestive system related and possibly related to the increasing laxatives I consume with meals.

The mayo clinic recommends:

Eat fiber-rich foods, such as wheat bran, fresh fruits and vegetables, and oats. (aka FIBER)
Drink plenty of fluids daily.
Exercise regularly.

Yeah, well, I drink plenty of fluids, though less lately. I exercise more occasionally than regularly, especially lately when softball season is on hiatus. I rarely eat grains, fruits, or vegetables lately (not including pasta or chocolate in that category). Almost three strikes.Jane may help save this body from old age symptoms and death if she follows through and we buy me that elliptical next Monday. I need to get the addresses of the places we need to go before then. Why not now? Ok.

Now looking deeper at the typical advice... Oral bulk forms (Benefiber, Citrucel, FiberCon, Metamucil), aka FIBER, absorb water to form soft, bulky stool, prompting normal contraction of intestinal muscles, but the side effects are bloating, gas, cramping or increased constipation if not taken with enough water. Now I drink more water than is healthy for the normal body on most days, but I take a diuretic to get rid of water because all that water raises my blood pressure. Fiber, simply, creates the harder stools and occasional constipation that tears the skin around my anus. So the common advice creates rectal bleeding, increased anemia, and all sorts of other painful dangerous health issues. Fuck you fiber and all the medical industry professionals and wanna-be know-it-alls (quacks) who recommend it.

There, one myth busted. Know your body.Kik fiber's ass befre it kicks mine. Plenty of fluids, yes, but monitor blood pressure. Exercise regularly, that I'll agree with whole heartedly, for now. I certainly shall be doing further study on the matter if I wish to be wise and prudent, no doubt.

Did you know I often put links in entries for the distinct purpose of reminding myself to remember something? Even if I don't re-read, the writing and linking is one step further in creating the stronger memory of whatever it is I am trying to remind myself to remember. I forget that sometimes, but the endless hope that someone will come along and remind me to remember the really important life and death stuff, life this, keeps me writing and linking and hoping... did you know?

It's easy to forget...

and so it was xmas
and I was not here
taking care of others
is my gift this year
it's what I love to do most
and I give it my best
my gift is just loving
it's time I confessed
I pretend there's family
anyway I can
I hope not to impose
that's never my plan
I find any reason
to linger where I
might get a little hug
or a look in the eye

but I look away quickly
so I do not cry

Well, I got that xmas hug, by hook or by crook. I pet sat for Jackson and Brandi and had love all around me for almost eight hours. A dog and two cats. They both told me I didn't have to stay and maybe they were telling me to not be there when they got home, but I found a reason to stay, the kids needed me (even if it's just my delusion) and so I got my hug as they came in and left immediately. Begging for a hug as I do can be kind of awkward (even if no one else acknowledges it).

There is so much more between the lines (and between the links), I wonder if anyone can see...

nite nite...

Narf :)

Yesterday Returns Tomorrow

I woke up today, crying, lost in a lost world. So many people are dying, lying lost in a lost world. Most of them are living illusions, blinded by the fear in their own minds. In their eyes it's nation against nation, and racial pride, mass suicide, dying lost within themselves. There must be a way. To save ourselves today. If we'd just empower love.

I swore to myself, no more fat and bloat, clogging the vessels, choking my throat, the morning brings pain, the proof I'm insane, fast walking toward death, barely catch my breath, reaching out, reaching in, don't know how to begin anymore. Time to go to work so out the door.

The day moves so fast, each moment could be last, fix this fix that, pull rabbits out of hats. The senses meet all the holiday treats, pressures release, stress becomes peace, like magic was, chocolate does. I've learned to find joy making everything toys without guilt, fear, or shame, everything is a game. Without break, without rest, I give it all my best, and passing the test, perhaps they're impressed.

Alone at my desk, after everyone left, I finish more tasks, more than anyone asks, then head out for home, always on my own, in love with the night, and the words I write.

I find my roommate, home from vacation, a ride to the airport, to return the car. And on the way back, the weakness intact, one more pizza stop, and the promise is dropped. The tears of the morning, forgotten for food, the pain of the past, never seems to last, I buy it deep, somewhere in the sleep, and now it's too late, as I've sealed my fate, living one more day, in spite of this way.

With hope for tomorrow I look for the promise I made in the morning to stop al the lies. Depressing denial has put me on trial and condemned by pleasures and feigning surprise. Accepting the pretense, the repression is dense, illusion, confusion, contusion in thought. Someone who cares as I do, better, in fact, though and through. Wake me from this nightmare, just share, just care, for all to see, honestly, unconditionally, it's all we can be. The bliss somehow finds me, memories remind me, of forgotten dream, that wake me it seems, and somehow the mystery ends, as I fall asleep dreaming friends. Feeling so heavy, feeling so light, merry XMAS to all, and to all a good night.

Actually, it was yesterday, but who's counting?

Narf :)

Flurries of Forever

The coincidence of the season, with boxes gift wrapped all around, it must be nice to have a big family. TA visited his and there are dozens of presents piled up here, distracting me from the primary activity most important to me, which is survival and... prolonging this life. The chocolate stares me down like a mammoth in a block of ice moving at a glacier's pace toward the last day of this life, with minimal punctuation and hardly a breath or pause, I am still as carelessly carefree as I ever was. As I ever was.

As if I'll live forever, I challenge all good sense, I stuff my face with carbs and fats, and sweets, my best defense - against thinking about the future, or even looking around now... I'd do what is best for me but I do my best to forget how.

Pretending I would if I could, but I don't as if I couldn't, knowing I should... Frosty the Snowman... never had it so good.

Fifty-five degrees and feeling the chill. Half a hot shower is half a thrill, momentary overkill. Holding back the flood of ears that poured out inside over the years not because of any fears just wondering why no one cares, I mean, everyone cares, just not enough to show. Everyone cares about themselves and what little they know. I always want more because I want everything, because I feel everything, because I am everything, why don't you know you are part of everything too, the universe and me and you. how do you turn off your feelings so well? Maybe it's because you've bought into heaven and hell. Whatever tomorrow may bring, today is my only time and even if it doesn't always write, I'll stay a spell.

Who said Be Here Now and did he really? Die? Yesterday is still a natural high. If we never say hello, we don't have to say goodbye, maybe that's why so many don't even try, maybe that's why so many choose to live a lie. In promises of tomorrows that only come after you die. Living in the moment, feeling everything, letting imagination expand the reality, but still rooted in the moment, feeling everything, can you open your eyes and let your self sing? Or are you too afraid of something - or everything.

Everything at once, in the moment, is the only reality I know. Everyone at once, in the moment, and we've only just begun. Experiencing every moment with all senses wide open, letting everything show without fear is so much fun. Why wouldn't anyone choose any other way to be? I've been trying to understand for years, creating illusionary fears, trying to fit in, trying to connect, trying to be like my peers, but it's not working... as nobody nears.

Still feeling part of everything, even feeling on my own, being part of everything is never being alone. The illusions of loneliness are not as strong as reality, even if I opened the floodgates and tried to let tears drown me, I'd only remember how to breath under water, it, and everything else, is still there... deep in every memory. Hereditary memory? Inter-species memory? Life-long memories can come back to the moment as all life is part of everything, flurries of forever, like magic the moment can become... everything.

Good morning :)

Narf :)

Unfinished Foolish Games

Waking from the worst betrayal dream I've had in a long time, there are no words. Waking one minute before my alarm was set, no recovery time. No resolution. No peace. Just the end of the trust, the end of the last vestige of hope for bonding with anyone in this life.

That is why there is no elliptical. That is why I eat the way I do lately. The way the people closest to me eat all the time. The way Americans eat. The way humans eat (I know no all and I can choose - this dream and entry may be that choice, but let's see where this goes, m'ok?). No gym. No exercise. No wisdom. No sense. No family. No friends.

Living like a refugee. A life in storage, $140 a month to keep some connection to those who once said they loved me. Is that what that is about? Bandaids over old wounds? Are they still bleeding? The dream suggests they are.

Is 2020 the year I bring all that stuff down here? And do what with it? And what condition is it in? And what condition will I be in when I look at all the stuff again? Party all alone?

These foolish games.

Rain falls outside. Eyes are blurry. The phone says it is 68 degrees. here. And 68 degrees where I work. And 68 degrees where I play ball most, where I used to live with Jackson). And 68 degrees where Jackson used to live. And 66 degrees where Jackson lives now. And 68 degrees where I lived before moving here. And 66 degrees in Orlando. And 64 degrees in Tampa. And 39 degrees in New York, where so many memories are stored. And 37 degrees in Toronto, where so much was left behind (and the storage is between the last two places). And 30 degrees in Nashville, left over from tournaments (why not Kansas City, the last big Tournament... or Ft Lauderdale, the last tournament?... no room for more places, perhaps). Forecast rain all day and is 54 degrees for tonight here.


Recovery. Shower. Work.


To be continued...

Reactive, Proactive, Inactive, and Distractive

The babble has slowed, the river is low, the words do not flow as they used to. The sorrow is deep, and not enough sleep, and emptiness keeps the mind askew. Distractions abound, reactions resound, protractive procrastination embeds me in a inactive wake, fatigue resonates, so a proactive state eludes me. Where has all the cleverness gone, long time passing. Where has all the wisdom gone, long time ago. Where has all the wondering gone, and the asking. It's all gone noodly, off and misconstruedly, when will we ever learn? When will we ever learn?

Laughing all the way through the madness, we are having way too much fun in the recent sedentary stupors. When there is no softball, there is almost nothing. Though the last three weekends were busy, three parties (or was it four), a show, and more. The work project(s) have bogged down the brain and pooped out the body so weekends became sanctuary me-time, but the TV has dominated that as lazy distraction has become habit, not to mention imbalanced eating habits and poor sleeping patterns which lower the overall energy. Still, from the core to the surface, the negative feelings (dissatisfaction, depression, whatever) are so minimal and the euphoria is so bubbling over that I do nothing to change the pattern that I know is not ideal for a healthy body. I visualize the fat guy, who I associate with cop shows, eating a huge pastrami sandwich, after a massive coronary incident, in that movie with Meg Ryan and Nick Cage, City of Angels. My laughter is genuinely fun, right to my core.

Obviously I am comfortable with the life I have lived and am ready to go, as in die, so my focus on health has waned and my focus on the pleasures of food and lounging around has dominated for a few months. Not that I want to die (so why am I tempting death so much then, aye?... and is the laughter defensive or as genuine as it feels?... ah, if you only knew me, you'd know how relative the questions and the answers truly can be - and on that reality, the deepest most self-satisfied smile broadens wide).

Weekends, gotta love 'em.

The evening was spent watching youtube videos and lovng some Janet Devlin and her vagina (hey I couldn't resist the clickbait, but seriously... I may love her openness and candor on screen even more than her singing, or maybe it's tied). Maybe she reminds me that I am looking for a partner who is comfortable enough to put it all out there (or here, for that matter).

So much more, but I think I shall attempt sleep now. Early long day tomorrow.

Are we having fun yet?


Narf :)

Wonder of Wonders (Simple Stuff)

The wonder is not the fact that I am stil hanging on to dreams so long lost in the madness and confusion of human foibles and foolishness that Id be certifiably insane in this culture if anyone actually knew what goes on in my head, but that's realtive and besides the point, mostly.

I went shopping for detergent and dish washing soap and found a lamp / wireless charger for $25 that is perfect for this space and solves a lighting issue cuz the lamp I have reflects off the TV. Th new amp can sit on a table next to the computer and does not reflect. The giddy excitement that inspired the title is the wireless bluetooth earbuds I found for $15. The work and they are comfortable, so no longer will I have to turn the TV up when the kids are here and the little one leaves the TV on loud in her room and the other living room loud while watching her iPad (which is a frequent occurrence), loud. I'd been meaning to shop for earbuds since I moved in, but somehow, like a few other things, time passed and I didn't learn what I needed to know to choose wisely. So I chose impulsively. I actually wandered around the electronics section of the store for ten minutes comparing other earbuds, but somehow I wasn't ready to spend more than a hundred dollars without knowing just why.

So ok, I can be an addicted to buying stuff consumerism if I want to be. The neurochemical highs triggered by buying stuff is still stimulating in spite of the stupidity and suicidal behavior it actually is. The dreamer can dream of no possessions and actually could live without them, but without a partner, the stuff distracts from loneliness and amuses the child and occupies the mind. Figuring out how things work, making them work right, and playing with the way stuff interacts and works with other stuff, that's fun. Sharing anything with the right person would be more fun, but alone, some of the fun comes in small packages of toys and stuff.

Laundry spins around the washer and dryer. The dishwasher is drying the dishes it washed. The floor was swept, the recliner was vacuumed, there's all sorts of cleaning and stuff going on. I even pulled out the dirt devil for the first time in years. I think it worked really well. I didn't check how well it did on the deepest recesses of the chair and I didn't turn over the chair, which would be a better way of checking and cleaning it, but hey, first vacuuming with the dirt devil is progress, right? The house is big and there's a lot more to do, but we are getting there.

This morning was fun. Softball is back, hopefully every weekend (even though it is on the field I don't like much, farther away, no shade (more than a few times overheated dangerously and twice ended up in the hospital, so no exaggeration we I say no shade.. definitely not safe during the hottest summer days, like life-threateningly dangerous on the hottest days, but it's softball and softball is life, ya know?... shhhh, I'm careful*), with more responsibility than I've taken on in a very long time. I'll be taking the lead when the senior coaches aren't there, which could be often, maybe most games. I will find someone to do the paperwork, because being ready to pitch and doing the paperwork and coaching the team is not conducive to winning or enjoying the game, but for now, I'm diving in with all I've go and excited about the change.

So the day flew by relatively speaking. Laundry overnight, softball all morning, then shopping, then food, then some writing, some TV, then a nap, then more laundry, some texting with Jackson and some others, then more writing, more TV, more snacks, and here we are. The time at softball was fun and satisfied the social life some, but I still long for more intimacy. Th personal texting with Jackson satisfied the hunger for a close friend, but I still long for more intimacy. There was a time when I ached for more sharing, cried for the empty feeling that I thought could only be filed by by another person. There was a time when I wanted to be cred about so much that I wondered about my own self-worth. I have long since learned that nobody has to care about me for me to love myself and now I am worth everything I can give, which is all I am (and there's a lot in me, potential and actual). I know I need nothing more than the physical sustenance required for this body to survive. Still, I want more.

are you listening?
Anybody?

Narf :)


* Yeah, it would be really nice if I had a partner to watch out for me and be careful with me, but I don't... and I really don't want to pass up the chance for exercise. Especially softball exercise. I'm a really nice guy, if a bit different (oh so misunderstood, alas, we can hope for the amazing mind who can... understand?) lol, so feel free to be concerned and send that partner, m'ok?

Another Day, Another Dump

Life could be measured in bowel movements, I suppose, or on a large scale, landfills, but that probably wouldn't look good on the face of a clock, so numbers was a good choice. I woke early, peed, took my vitamins, drank some water, then laid back down. The bowels suggested I get back up shortly thereafter and all went well, so I rinsed and laid back down. A noise asked for my attention, so I went to investigate and found nothing, but before laying back down I gathered some dirty laundry and put it in the washer. I then laid back down again.

Somehow I ended up here. I wrote a bit, wandered Facebook a bit (and while I wanted to react to Jackson's posts and other things, like events I was invited to {Jackson's "wall" is the only one I actually visit, maybe once or twice a month, and I visit mine sometimes when I visit hers, but that's the extent of my FBing other than glancing through the top twenty or so notifications}, or some of the notifications, particularly about my pages... today I actually looked at the news feed for the first time in maybe a year or more. I wanted to stop following people Facebook automatically makes me follow just because I aid yes to a friend request... forced following is stupid, Facebook). Between all that and the slow computer and the volume of data FB sends and gets back, each page takes up to 30 seconds to load, often longer, and I feel like I've wasted most of the time I spend there). I nodded off a few times waiting for pages to load, so this morning was no exception. Maybe this guy can explain it better, but for me, the FB experience sucks before I even get to actually see that the actual Facebook experience sucks. Tech, corporate greed, and the unwanted content combine to keep me away.

You ought know that by now, in case you look for me there.

Nodding off for brief moments throughout the day, this entry paused too many times to be uploaded in the morning when it started or the afternoon as it slowly dripped out of the mind, so it's after midnight, but I am leaving the last known time stamp just so Saturday can have it's entry as the title pretty much suggests consecutive days and all. Time is malleable like that in blogs, ya know. Relative, too.

Yesterday, or whenever this was, I was almost getting somewhere with soe focus, but mostly I've been wandering (meandering, even) rather aimlessly though the gardens as fatigue spreads and sleep deprivation creates a lot of voids in the flow. Still, as I am reminding yet again right here, I want to remember to sing my songs more often than I have. Personalize the therapy that words and music, songs, can be. Let the songs take me where I need to go. Like they used to, maybe If I can get back to where I once belonged once again.

Do you read me?

I tried napping all day and exhaustion is winning as I should have showered and gotten to Izzy's part on time, but no, I was late. No offense meant, no offense taken, and I got there in time for the gift exchange. Once again, I gave and did not receive, but that's ok. I was surprised that Sarducci, who got there a lot later than I did, didn't even acknowledge me when Tinman passed the gift I received to him and I told him he'd enjoy it a lot more than I would. It was a Hallmark collector's Christmas tree ornament from the Star Wars collection and I'm not into it, but he's pretty much a fanatic. He seems upset with many of his friends these days, but I'm not enabling his depression or blaming others for his failures, so I just ignore the rudeness and still enjoy the gift of giving. Narcissists are rarely satisfied and there's not much anyone can do to please them, so accepting him as he is makes the most sense when he comes out.

Tinman and his daughter were there, as were Harpo, Seashell, Polly and her parents, Sally, and almost fifty others. Too much food, almost all starches and sweets, as usual. Te heavily overweight outweighed (no pun intended, actually) the not overweight by a lot, in fact the seriously obese was the largest group, when looking at the people by weight. The BMI chart would have exploded. That is not the kind of influence I need as I age, so I really must limit my time with these groups and find a close friend who is a healthier influence. When this is what I come away with, I am not sure going to the arty is healthy for me on any level, but they are friends for more than 10 years and they are good people and most of all, I care about them.

After the festivities (food and gift exchanges, which was, as usual, unnecessary for me as I was not hungry (but ate some food anyway) and I gave away the gift I received, as I said), Harpo, Seashell, Tinman, and I played Fact or Crap and then Scattergories, both chose by Seashell. I couldn't hear the others during the first game, so I had an unfair disadvantage, but I joined in and came in second to Seashell. I won both rounds of the second game, scoring 34 and 30, respectively. I was surprised as my brain was definitely not rapid firing tonight.

Stopping at the Post Office for the first time in many months, I found toll by plate invoices from August and I hope my registration and license haven't been affected yet. I'll call tomorrow, or Monday if they are closed tomorrow, and straighten out whatever I owe them. Hopefully the administrative fees and penalties won't be too bad. That's what I get for taking toll roads out of state and out of town. A ton of other ail was there as well, including spices I ordered months ago, and I'll look through the rest tomorrow. Mental note - check PO box more often. Yup.

Arriving home, I used the potty and showered a bit and came here to sit and finished this entry. Now that we've caught up with some of the DDD, I am not going to let my mind wander where it will do, wherever that is, because I have an early call for softball practice in the morning. I need to be out of here by 8:00 AM, so I must get this body to sleep. I am still sharing right?

Mae life fun, please. Even more, make life healthy fun, please.

And love each other, and show it, please.

It is your choice.

Narf :)

Revealing Relations or Revealations

Maybe... maybe I'm wrong... to go on writing... to sing my song... I should be sleeping. Instead, I ate more and loved every mouthful. I have a lot of babble bubbling around inside, but little energy in the body, so little, the brain is tired. Even with all the carbs and calories I just took in. Did I mention ice cream? Magnum double chocolate ice cream? Yes, I may have bought 1% chocolate milk in a healthier mood this week, but tonight it was seriously calorie rich. Meatloaf, lasagna, and ice cream. You should have been here. In fact, feel free to come on over cuz there's enough food for a week for me and TA is away this week.

Besides the yummies, I went to dinner just before I ate here. Chili's. It sucked. Often does. It's my least favorite chain restaurant (and I'm not a fan of chain restaurants). Low paid kids cooking and serving combined with cost cutting corporations make for a poor food experience. But it was a birthday. Tinman's daughter. So I showed up. I ordered the full rack of baby back ribs. When the order finally arrived, there were three ribs on a metal tray with fries and pale green asparagus and onion petals. I ordered the onion petals separately. I sent the dinner back after a brief conversation with the waiter. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Is this a full rack of ribs?
Waiter: Ummmm, that looks like a half rack.
Me: You are seriously telling me this is what Chili's calls a half rack?
Waiter: Ahhh, I guess so. I think a half rack has four ribs.
Me: There are three ribs here and I ordered a full rack.
Waiter: I'll bring you the other half.
Me: No, I won't pay $20 for six ribs, you can take it back.
(pause):
Waiter: Ummmm, ok.

No offer for anything other than "the other half" and no manager coming to ask if they can do anything to satisfy a customer who sent back the dinner. I should have taken a picture, but I didn't want the waiter to walk away as I would have been tempted to eat the food and then feel pissed off for paying for it. I suppose they take it in stride. Corporate American, the impersonal touch. So I ate the onion petals and partied with the birthday girl and waited until I got home to finish cooking the meatloaf and lasagna I started before I left. I left $5 onthe table which was a 40% tip and payment for the onion petals.

Meanwhile, yes, I had started cooking just before I left. Just at the heat up the oven stage, actually. I forgot about the birthday dinner and the phone did not remind me, even though it was on my calendar. I had just gotten home from work, put food in the oven, and Tinman texted me to remind me. I got there ten minutes late, but they were just being seated. Two booths, was at the other booth cuz the birthday booth was filled up. Eventually, a few more people came and sat with me. We bounced around the two booths the rest of the evening.

If we want more proof that my memory is overloaded, I texted Jane just before leaving work to let er know I could make it to the show tonight (she invited me earlier in the week). She texted back that she was tied up grading papers (she's a college professor, in case I have not mentioned that for a while), so we'll go next week and I was a happy camper heading home for much needed rest. Well, you know what happened next.

Anyway, I'm here now after yummy carbs and meat and fat and euphoria is rolling in. Life is good. Would love someone to share something meaningful, sensitive, and genuine, but life is good alone too. So what else is new?

This was pay week, so I checked the phone and the text message telling me the deposit went in also told me I am back to a comfortable level of poverty. The bank account is almost at the point where I can breath again, enough for current rent and food and gas and basics for more than a year at the current rate, and longer, maybe even two years, if I had to find a cheaper place and live more frugally. Easily three years, possibly four at the base frugality. What was at about Europe on $5 a day? Oh wait, that was a few years ago (aherm lol. Alas, he sad truth is that today, it is more like $5 an hour.

Maybe I'll get the elliptical, new computer, new TV, and other new toys in 2020.

Just randomly, I stumbled across what might be the most well intended but unbelievably wrong article on finances I've ever seen, maybe. Another random thought is how so many potentially good ideas failed. Specifically, things like the war n poverty and the war on drugs. We could say that going to war for any reason is stupid, and likely to fail producing any good results, but then, that's a lot of other subjects. My only point in this paragraph was to do a quick assessment of my current financial stability solely based on savings and I probably did that several lines ago. All in all, there is a good comfort zone for a couple of years. A whole lot longer, even. Sill, no permanent retirement forecast in this lifetime.

Meanwhile, considering living more economically reminded me about my younger years travelling around on a few dollars a day. I would probably love a life like this if I could share it, but I doubt I would want to do it for long alone. I suppose I could look for a potential partner. Could meet some curious souls and interesting people too. Upon reflection, especially self-reflection, maybe I've lived too long alone and have become too and set in my ways. More importantly, this body has a few hygiene needs that would be extremely challenging and potentially life-threatening now. Still, it turns me on.


Tomorrow is lunch with Helen and her mom, then dinner at Izzy's (her annual holiday white elephant gifts, games, and food party). That would be a better day with some sleep, since I've been skimping on sleep in recent weeks. The big work project drags on. So anyway, sleep would be good now. It is actually well past midnight and I've started nodding off, so I shall kick back right here in the recliner because my eyes are asking to close asap. Are you satisfied? Happy? Euphoric?

Hopefully you are all three and more smiles.

Make it so.

Narf :)

Maybe I'm A Maze

Waking slightly hungry because I did not pig out as much as usual last night and I took extra laxatives because of a ten pound bowel movement (estimated) a few days ago, doing my best to ignore the whining child (I really don't remember 9 year old kids behaviors, I suppose, but then, everyone develops at their own pace and extreme neediness comes at all ages), I sit here to scratch my brain a little and let words fall out. Not even fixing a hole, ya know?

I am still standing, and yes, better than I ever did. Awake too. Even during the somewhat sleepy mornings like this one. Even in the shared open floor plan home with the kids here passing through regularly. The temptation to shut down is great, but it doesn't work well for me (does it for anyone?) and so the influences of others, TA and his kids, are part of this lae morning babble. Some leftovers from last night shall join us as I wandered into the web and email before falling asleep last night (this entry was just beginning as my eyes asked to close).

And seeing a text from Helen about her mom's birthday next week, I tried to remember Helen's birthday and blanked, so i searched files and found old files with people's info, but no birthday for Helen. I did find a couple of email exchanges from 2009 between me and Jane and me and another friend, the latter I've not seen in at least a few years. Wow, how some things change and some remain the same. I could so easily be read as pathetic by anyone not understanding my sense of humor (and then again, from outside of my head, maybe I do actually appear pathetic... could I actually be pathetic?... should I await an answer?), laughter is not rude if no harm is intended... ah, all the missed opportunities and forgotten memories (are memories still memories if they are not remembered?... philosophy for another ramble).

Anyway, memories fill the room through sleepy eyes. I should jump into a shower as the body needs cleansing, but I'll sit here a few more minutes to throw last night's babbling into this entry because that's what I originally came to this entry to do last night. You may recall (so it may be a memory, right?0 that I wandered the web and found the sadness that people inspire, especially when news or conversations about religion or politics pass before my eyes.

Religions are killing off humanity, bringing the end the religious think they want, and politics is showing human madness (greed, fear, stupidity) better than ever these days and the news is basking in the divisive self-destructive obsession with drama and all the easy emotions that provide the highs that feed the addiction. There may be people who understand they can control those emotions, they can trigger the chemicals that provide the highs whenever they want and they don't have to blindly throw themselves at everything, and others, in the hope they will find the stimulus that triggers those chemicals. I just have not met those people. Most might consider it magic, or madness, or an egocentric delusion. They don't realize it is possible. They also don't realize euphoria triggers the best of those chemicals to bring the best of those highs. Choosing euphoria brings more than the highest highs, it brings the peace and security that allows awareness to expand beyond fear and all the stupidity fear brings with it.

Yeah so I went on a mini-rant and once again remembered why I do not watch news, wander the internet, or listen to people much these days. The ignorance astounds, the manipulations agitates and even angers, the stupidity and bias bring sadness. I don't want any of those negative emotions and I've about run out of desire to help anyone see beyond their small bubbles of fear and bias. We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.

Meanwhile, I went personal again this week and slide down the shute into the Toronto gardens in my mind. I looked over the Toronto blogs and found nothing new, as has been the case for many years now, and I felt like leaving some words, so this is what happened (I include the personal here, but only link the political, out of kindness and sanity).

Seven Year Itch?

That's supposed to tear people apart, not bring people back together. Maybe I'm amazed at the way I love without end, but its a real pain sometimes. Like when I realize people can't be trusted. You reminded me of that so well that I haven't really trusted anyone since. Except for a few. They screwed me too, but that's what I learned when I was left at he hospital and abandoned by all the others along the way. I wonder what would have happened if I stayed in NY, but I am so glad I didn't. I would not like myself if I became what I see in the pictures on Facebook. I mean, we've always know that I don't belong in this world, after all, and trying to fit in was as futile as it was dangerous.

There is plenty to catch up on, if you come around with the itch to want to care again. That's another difference between me and every one I've ever known. I am blessed and cursed with the stubbornness to choose to not let my caring end or even wane, and still I will not hide it. much to my detriment again and again. So dd I come here to complain? To lay a guilt trip on you? To see if you might have been hiding a word or two here (would be kind of perfect if you were caring in some online blog that I have not checked in years while I can caring in some online blog you haven't checked for years... perfectly cruel, being that I am alone and still, every now and then, longing to be known and cared about, but would it be irony?). No, I came here to see if you were here or in any of our blogs. The rest is gravy. You still enjoy the gravy, right? I mean, that's where the flavor is. :)

Still, I am happier than ever, even as I carry around the sadness of the self-destruction of humanity, being too hypersensitive for my own good. I tried shutting it down enough to fit in and for a while, it worked. I blinded myself to the duplicity in others again and again and that allowed me to trust more unconditionally than anyone I've ever known. We know how that turned out.

So why am I laughing?

Who knows better than you that it is because I live in the madhouse on the other side of the wall. lol lam yeah.

Well, I hope it doesn't disappoint you by I came here to see if you were here.

Hope you are well, have good memories, and a happy satisfied life.

You can find me here now.

Yeah, still, maybe I'm a maze.

Enough babbling for a night?

One of the questions at the top of an email thread from 2009 was am I really too strange to get close too?. I did not get an answer, but then, rarely do personal questions get taken seriously as people do not tend to get that close to me and most see me, or so they say as independent and all together, or something like that. needing nothing is a lonely way to be perceived, but then, it's reality. I want a lot. I need almost nothing. Survival for the body and input for the senses. I might even be fine without the input, but then, I've not lived most of this life without input. There were a few years I spent months at a time in a room not interacting with others for weeks on end and there are written records of those times in boxes in storage in New York, but I don't recall not enjoying it. In fact, I recall much euphoria and creativity running through me and pouring out of me during those years. Reading that stuff would be a real trip.

Are we there yet?

I think I shall shower and perhaps, after that eat something. I may do a load of laundry, but my plan for this afternoon is to relax around the house until about 5 when I head out to The Commodore's place for a game night. Long drive, but I have not seen them in so long, this will be a treat. And laundry is out as TA is gone, but he said he has kids clothes to do and the machine is often be tied up all weekend until I remind him to move the process along. I squeezed a big load in on Thursday, knowing the kids were coming.

Life in shared space is compromise. I'll stretch my clothes into another week somehow, or buy more new stuff. I have enough clothes to wear a different outfit every day for months, at least, largely because I don't do laundry weekly and sometimes a month will go by because I'm busy or the washer is tied up when I am not busy. First world problems, aye lol.

And now... ok, I won't sing My Way, but the core songs (still incomplete) are still as valid and true as ever for me. So we come to a semi-conclusion of a scattered entry, much of it my random personal whatever and some reflections of the world outside (scratchings on a chalkboard). It might be a day of memories, or maybe just vegetation in front of the TV. We shall see after the shower (you can see too if you want to call or come over). :)

Make your day all it can be, but most important, as you want it to be. Whether it is full of yesterday, today, tomorrow, or all and more are part of it, make it full of fun.

Narf :)