I am still standing, and yes, better than I ever did. Awake too. Even during the somewhat sleepy mornings like this one. Even in the shared open floor plan home with the kids here passing through regularly. The temptation to shut down is great, but it doesn't work well for me (does it for anyone?) and so the influences of others, TA and his kids, are part of this lae morning babble. Some leftovers from last night shall join us as I wandered into the web and email before falling asleep last night (this entry was just beginning as my eyes asked to close).
And seeing a text from Helen about her mom's birthday next week, I tried to remember Helen's birthday and blanked, so i searched files and found old files with people's info, but no birthday for Helen. I did find a couple of email exchanges from 2009 between me and Jane and me and another friend, the latter I've not seen in at least a few years. Wow, how some things change and some remain the same. I could so easily be read as pathetic by anyone not understanding my sense of humor (and then again, from outside of my head, maybe I do actually appear pathetic... could I actually be pathetic?... should I await an answer?), laughter is not rude if no harm is intended... ah, all the missed opportunities and forgotten memories (are memories still memories if they are not remembered?... philosophy for another ramble).
Anyway, memories fill the room through sleepy eyes. I should jump into a shower as the body needs cleansing, but I'll sit here a few more minutes to throw last night's babbling into this entry because that's what I originally came to this entry to do last night. You may recall (so it may be a memory, right?0 that I wandered the web and found the sadness that people inspire, especially when news or conversations about religion or politics pass before my eyes.
Religions are killing off humanity, bringing the end the religious think they want, and politics is showing human madness (greed, fear, stupidity) better than ever these days and the news is basking in the divisive self-destructive obsession with drama and all the easy emotions that provide the highs that feed the addiction. There may be people who understand they can control those emotions, they can trigger the chemicals that provide the highs whenever they want and they don't have to blindly throw themselves at everything, and others, in the hope they will find the stimulus that triggers those chemicals. I just have not met those people. Most might consider it magic, or madness, or an egocentric delusion. They don't realize it is possible. They also don't realize euphoria triggers the best of those chemicals to bring the best of those highs. Choosing euphoria brings more than the highest highs, it brings the peace and security that allows awareness to expand beyond fear and all the stupidity fear brings with it.
Yeah so I went on a mini-rant and once again remembered why I do not watch news, wander the internet, or listen to people much these days. The ignorance astounds, the manipulations agitates and even angers, the stupidity and bias bring sadness. I don't want any of those negative emotions and I've about run out of desire to help anyone see beyond their small bubbles of fear and bias. We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.
Meanwhile, I went personal again this week and slide down the shute into the Toronto gardens in my mind. I looked over the Toronto blogs and found nothing new, as has been the case for many years now, and I felt like leaving some words, so this is what happened (I include the personal here, but only link the political, out of kindness and sanity).
Seven Year Itch?
That's supposed to tear people apart, not bring people back together. Maybe I'm amazed at the way I love without end, but its a real pain sometimes. Like when I realize people can't be trusted. You reminded me of that so well that I haven't really trusted anyone since. Except for a few. They screwed me too, but that's what I learned when I was left at he hospital and abandoned by all the others along the way. I wonder what would have happened if I stayed in NY, but I am so glad I didn't. I would not like myself if I became what I see in the pictures on Facebook. I mean, we've always know that I don't belong in this world, after all, and trying to fit in was as futile as it was dangerous.
There is plenty to catch up on, if you come around with the itch to want to care again. That's another difference between me and every one I've ever known. I am blessed and cursed with the stubbornness to choose to not let my caring end or even wane, and still I will not hide it. much to my detriment again and again. So dd I come here to complain? To lay a guilt trip on you? To see if you might have been hiding a word or two here (would be kind of perfect if you were caring in some online blog that I have not checked in years while I can caring in some online blog you haven't checked for years... perfectly cruel, being that I am alone and still, every now and then, longing to be known and cared about, but would it be irony?). No, I came here to see if you were here or in any of our blogs. The rest is gravy. You still enjoy the gravy, right? I mean, that's where the flavor is. :)
Still, I am happier than ever, even as I carry around the sadness of the self-destruction of humanity, being too hypersensitive for my own good. I tried shutting it down enough to fit in and for a while, it worked. I blinded myself to the duplicity in others again and again and that allowed me to trust more unconditionally than anyone I've ever known. We know how that turned out.
So why am I laughing?
Who knows better than you that it is because I live in the madhouse on the other side of the wall. lol lam yeah.
Well, I hope it doesn't disappoint you by I came here to see if you were here.
Hope you are well, have good memories, and a happy satisfied life.
You can find me here now.
Yeah, still, maybe I'm a maze.
Enough babbling for a night?
One of the questions at the top of an email thread from 2009 was am I really too strange to get close too?. I did not get an answer, but then, rarely do personal questions get taken seriously as people do not tend to get that close to me and most see me, or so they say as independent and all together, or something like that. needing nothing is a lonely way to be perceived, but then, it's reality. I want a lot. I need almost nothing. Survival for the body and input for the senses. I might even be fine without the input, but then, I've not lived most of this life without input. There were a few years I spent months at a time in a room not interacting with others for weeks on end and there are written records of those times in boxes in storage in New York, but I don't recall not enjoying it. In fact, I recall much euphoria and creativity running through me and pouring out of me during those years. Reading that stuff would be a real trip.
Are we there yet?
I think I shall shower and perhaps, after that eat something. I may do a load of laundry, but my plan for this afternoon is to relax around the house until about 5 when I head out to The Commodore's place for a game night. Long drive, but I have not seen them in so long, this will be a treat. And laundry is out as TA is gone, but he said he has kids clothes to do and the machine is often be tied up all weekend until I remind him to move the process along. I squeezed a big load in on Thursday, knowing the kids were coming.
Life in shared space is compromise. I'll stretch my clothes into another week somehow, or buy more new stuff. I have enough clothes to wear a different outfit every day for months, at least, largely because I don't do laundry weekly and sometimes a month will go by because I'm busy or the washer is tied up when I am not busy. First world problems, aye lol.
And now... ok, I won't sing My Way, but the core songs (still incomplete) are still as valid and true as ever for me. So we come to a semi-conclusion of a scattered entry, much of it my random personal whatever and some reflections of the world outside (scratchings on a chalkboard). It might be a day of memories, or maybe just vegetation in front of the TV. We shall see after the shower (you can see too if you want to call or come over). :)
Make your day all it can be, but most important, as you want it to be. Whether it is full of yesterday, today, tomorrow, or all and more are part of it, make it full of fun.
Narf :)
No comments:
Post a Comment