As If It Needs To Be Something Profound

With videos or photos or multi-media of sorts never combined before, as if that is the definition of creativity, but then, definitions are made to be redefined, as the are little more than temporary agreements between people trying to communicate with each other, which is, unto itself, a relatively selfish, and therein, momentary and even random interaction, if it is an interaction at all, so whatever all this means, it is what it is, whatever you want it to be in your mind...

There was this time, in another blogosphere...

Timelessness

I have an innate love of timelessness, of blogging places that do not time-date stamp entries. For that reason alone I should love Timblr and that brings me to wonder why I am so seldom here. In the timeless past (scroll back to keep up) I wondered if I was simply not here enough to gather any sort of following and if the feeling of isolation kept me from remembering to post something here. I still blog daily in several places online, after all.

Another uniqueness that I love about this particular blog is that I was able to actually get my name as an account name when I joined. Yes, my name is candor and that is the most powerful why of all the whys I turn down all offers to give up this blog. I am candor the stumblr, here on tumblr only occasionally for no apparent reason, often just to wonder why I am not here more often, to admire some of my favorite tumblr blogs, and to explore new images and people and ideas and more.

One reason I do not come here is the dashboard does not seem to alow paragraphs and I write a lot. Sometimes. It’s iffy and random. Inconsistent, to saay the least. So I do most of my babbling elsewhere.

I usually come here with the excitement of seeing some old friends that I have not seen for some time. Sadly, I noticed a few of my favorite people are censored now. Perhaps the me-too movement or the church molesting children or other cultural tides have influenced the decision and ebbed the freedom of expression tumblr wishes to offer. That freedom of expression was one uniqueness of tumblr that made it so special and was the very close second reason I kept this account even when it is sleeping. Perhaps tumblr had an incident or two that scared the powers that run the community, but it is disrespectful of tumblr to think we are too stupid to turn on content filtering if we do not want to explore what our culture hides from children (which is a whole other concept to ponder for another time). It is a blow to one of the most unique communities online and now leaves tumblr lumped in with all the others.

Anyway, what brought me here today was reminiscing about an old friend who used to write a comic (and so much more) who lead me to Oglaf who’s holiday cartoon message was just what I was looking for as I sent holday messages to some friends. Following Oglaf’s tumblr link, I found the disurbing change that left me wondering what tumblr will become now. Another shallow momentary distraction like instagram or vine or perhaps even just another internet community site that fades into internet oblivion. Or perhaps a place where children will gather to be children, whatever that means. That seems to be what the powers at tumblr want.

Still, being this is the time of year for hope and seasonal cheer, or something like that, my hope for this holiday season is we get over our fears and stop trying to control everything as much as we do. Fears lead to insecurity and greed, which comes from the fear of not having enough. That leads to fighting over resources, property, idealogy, and even people (as labor and followers are resources too).

My hope is that unconditional love and the freedom to explore and learn and create wonder and excitement and meaningful emotions and ideas will not be extinguished by those who fear.

I believe we must trust the innocence and kindness and caring within us and when we grow and learn fear, trust the children to remind us that we are wrong to fear and limit our - and their - ability to learn and make our own choices in life.

Of course it’s all relative as life is momentary and timeless and we come and go in the blink of an eye. It is all so very random and maybe that is what scares people, but for me, that is the wonder and excitement to be shared and enjoyed. Even when it is dull, sad, or seems like a complete waste of time.

Perhaps that is what this blog is meant to represent.

Sometimes the best we word is…

Narf :)

Then, in another blososphere, the message might be different, but then, communication is all in the minds of those attempting such a follow, I mean, to understand the concepts in someone else's mind, to understand the experiences someone else experiences, to understand the senses only the one senses them could possible completely experience and therein, understand.

The universe as many blogospheres and there are an infinite number of universes beyond mine. Cutething may have understood once, are you still out there, cutething? Oh the places we might have gone, you brilliant, beautiful mind. Oh. the creativity we could find. Magic is only creativity beyond current understanding, after all.

What genius is this?

Later, perhaps.

Narf :)

Not Singing, Blues

So day two, another mile on the elliptical after softball after a 12 hour day at work and just 300 calories. Blurry eyes stare at this screen. and I was doing well. And then, the loved longed for love...

sometimes you only get half the story... I scrolled through thousands of images to find the ones in this entry, maybe to prove a point, maybe to get a message out here to someone or anyone or no one.... two nights ago, or so, I wrote this (and tonight I elaborate with depressed irreverence, or perhaps irreverent depression, seriously? lol...

These are the nights it is most challenging not to snack or eat too much. Even though I have softball early tomorrow (I think this was Saturday night). Sometimes I just want to know I'm cared about (and the silence becomes deafening, so I talk to myself in words that pour out on the a page like this cuz at least I care) and some nights I just want to share something, talk, walk, game, song, something (so I write cuz sharing takes two and I am alone, but I can pretend I am two... or I can pretend you are listening, caring, sharing)....

I don't reach the point of writing you too often anymore (who could that be now?). It's a little sad that I have gotten so used to being alone that I don't get this lonely anymore (see, just a couple of days and blah, who cares, move alone, nothing to see here, just a pathetic lonely kid looking for attention and amusing himself with words). Maybe I do (what?... feeling lonelier than the loneliest lonely one in the universe ever?), I just ignore the Whipporrwills lol, sigh. :)

I want to trust someone (I think. Really, I do, but I don't really trust people based on their inconsistencies, insensitivities, and lack of awareness) and get close to someone again (I would love to, but who wants to get near my brand of honesty, which is completely open and unafraid?), I just don't know anyone I want to trust and get close to (come on, prove me wrong, I dare you). People just seem so emotionally messed up to me (I wish someone would prove me wrong, really I do). Is that all in my mind, or elitism, or ego, or wrong? (still nobody answers, not even the ones who say they care the most, so it must be all in my mind, right?)

I don't think so.

I don't want to sleep with drama, confusion, and fear anymore. Aain and agin I ask, do you know anybody who'd got none of that? lol (and I laugh through the jeers, see rainbows through the tears, am tired of the fears that stops anyone who cares, so no one shares, so no one shares, oh... no one shares). Wah wah wah, nobody wants to come to my pity party (but it's my party and I'll cry if I want to cuz you don't own me... yeah, anybody get the references?

Ok, stop now.

I'm not really asking you for anything, so stop your guilt (and if you don't learn how to so you can be closer to others, you're relationships will always be on the brink of failure, cuz your guilt is your wall, and I think you know that by now.... Have you looked at the graphic and idea in the last email yet?... You need to be in the upper right quadrant, we all do... tell me if you think you don't, really... most people aren't ad wonder why they have issues and confusion and emotional challenges or obstacles).. I may share that graphic with you some time, but for now, I haunt you with the greatest comedian ever...

Partly lol. sigh, do you get it yet?

Just writing this to you helps me believe I am not as alone as I feel right now, so thanks. I hope you can understand the good feeling and not focus on your guilt or the loneliness. Diminishing the loneliness is a good feeling. :)

I will try to get some sleep now (I lied, just as I am lying now, because food is cooking and I will start today, which is the day after the 300 calorie day, with at least 1000 calories, and then fall asleep. Fool, whatever, who cares). Yeah, there was softball at Red Bud tomorrow, bad news field (twice put me in the ER and several times put me close to going, but every time it is just uncomfortable because there's no water or shade and there are crappy bathrooms and I've got this body that needs water and shade and clean facilities.

Naturally, the truth comes out. If you paid attention, you'd have known. That's probably a large part of why I am not sleeping. And you thought it was just loneliness.... actually, the body increases the loneliness cuz nobody knows and nobody cares to know and nobody cares to care to inquire... I go through my days hoping I don't have to poop, like there tomorrow, and hoping I won't be in pain all week from dehydration does to my gastrointestinal tract...

I'm not gonna give in to this body though. Not no way, no no how (thank you lion). Never give up, never surrender. I'm not gonna sit home so I can be near a bathroom. Just need to not let this get me lonely and feeling alone like this... am I rambling... am I confusing you?... am I leaving out information? (Well, the parentheses were not in the original, because I protect you from stuff that will trigger your guilt and make you sad and helpless and ashamed that you don't care more about me, so no worries, you didn't get the parentheses and likely will never see this entry, so all is well... for you). That's just the way I love sometimes.

Ok, this feels better.

Yup. Telling you and believing you care. Thank you for that. I do believe you care, not just because I know in your heart you really want to but you're just afraid to, feeling inadequate and overwhelmed by your own feelings of helplessness and confusion and guilt and shame and all that mixed-up puddle of thinking errors that you drown your mind in. I wish you'd stop cuz it hurts you most.

Hopefully I'll be feeling great tomorrow during and after practice (I felt tired, but I also felt good, and whatever, I forget the rest, because, well, oh, forget it).

Hopefully you didn't buy a knife set lol (inside joke).

If you did, tell me and I'll take it back and get something else...

And then, tonight, I wrote this...

Oh well, I came to whine a bit... wishing you would care enough to KIT when it mates most... second night on the elliptical after softball after 12 hours at work... feeling old (tell me I can still do this)... sucks to feel old (especially alone with no one to believe in me)... gonna keep trying to do a mile a night (push for more) and hope I feel less old soon (hope, alone, but still, hope)... laughing (genuinely laughing, the madness of wanting to be one with someone else while knowing that is impossible without mutually shared delusion which can be mutually assured destruction and still, part of me want to take that change again...

if someone would convince me they are worth it, but there's no one even close to trying and sadly, no one even encouraging me to believe it could happen... not even my bestest closest friends), but still not happy about feeling old... sucks to grow old alone (when nobody cares)... sucks to feel old pushing exercise and wondering if I can do what I did just last year (that can be scary, to die without love... I can die, that's the easy part, but without love, it's so much sadder... one of these years it'll be no more... no more chances... gotta be my own coach... my own best friend... my own positivity... my own hope... do it for me...

ok, no more whining (oh really?)...

pushing used to be fun... pushing this body, that is... challenging me to be better each day... hope it will be again... soon... gotta just keep pushing... 300 calories today, that's good... at least it was until after midnight... softball and elliptical, that's good.... though softball mildly sucked due to two of the worst umps around and a team of wanna be home run hitters who fly out 9 out of 10 times)... there's always hope I won't always be alone, that's good (even if I'm the only one who knows or cares or believes in me)... i'm not dead yet (monty python joke lol, bring it), that's good... i'm still laughing (mostly) at the landslide coming at me, that's good... songs, films, so much more... where are you?... I still believe in you, that's good (even if you don't care if I do or don't most of the time)....

hope is good...

are you eating as you should?

I'm here to coach with unconditional love and and nobody can have enough coaches with unconditional love, ya know? (I want t believe you know).

you can do it!

And tonight I cooked four chicken wings, two fish fillets, four shrimp rolls, and a small pile of onion rings. Fried over food. I could have been asleep. I should have been asleep. I want more. The pathos of loneliness combined with the ethos of wanting to share and the emptiness of having no one to share with and the wisdom to know the delusion is folly while the world looks outside and above and below and the awareness to know the answers are all inside and the magic of being able to share that illusion of infinite connection and...

The truth is...

and yet, with hope, there is always hope.

So what were you doing tonight?

Narf :)

Worthy of Babble

Stop! In the name of love. A lucky minstrel play while corruption from the top down eats away at the core of any values we might have left, an the projects of a worklife absorb every moment of the day's attention, into the night. After reading the daily mail and texts, no time left for the introspective self-assessment. So sleep, dear innocent, and let ignorance wrap itself around you. May you wake refreshed and still alive.

There's always hope... I hope.

Though there is plenty of reason to believe that reason has lost to partisan politics and greed (did you know income inequality is not fixed by a simple tax change, especially not when the experts underestimate costs of living, but then, look who we elect as our leaders, millionaires and billionaires. Oligarchs. Put a cutthroat businessman in charge and you expect his lifetime of being a ruthless businessman to end? Really? His business plan is borrow and spend and declare bankruptcy, which seems just like the government, except for the declaring bankruptcy escape room. If there was ever proof of the corruption in government and of the madness and ignorance (is this evil, or just stupid, self-serving, and vindictive?... when does a bully go too far?... and what is abuse of power, anyway??) of the people, it grows clearer every year.

The best years in the history of our country?

Only if you love divisiveness and conflict.

The best years in the history of our country?

You mean even better than the civil war years?

Yeah, you know what I mean. Then again, maybe you don't. Sometimes the paranoid amaze me, especially when you give them a little power. Give one a lot of power and, you know the saying is true, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Especially when there is no intelligent opposition. The dummies had their chance, many times, in fact, but they are experts at blowing chances. Meanwhile, the bullies are experts at manipulating the dummies.

Seems to be a time to ponder meglomania.

Me, I'm just an observer. If humans want to destroy themselves, I'll quietly say "I wish you wouldn't", to anyone and everyone who will listen, but I respect freedom. People are free to destroy themselves. Maybe I'm a libertarian at heart, but then again, if you really know me, just when one label fits, another won starts looking appealing. I'm always appealing off the label, get it?

My bottom line is honesty without harm. Look it up. :)

Also, I believe we are alive to enjoy life, to be happy, to have fun. That's my choice, no matter what. o one and nothing is going to take away that right No one and nothing is going to distract me or turn me away from that choice. Even though a lot of people do not realize it is a choice, even if a lot of people do not believe it is a choice. It is a choice. It is my choice.

Enjoy life, be happy, have fun.

What makes me happiest is caring and helping people, so that's what I do. The happiness is even more enjoyable when someone appreciates caring and help. I wish people would appreciate caring as much as animals do, but people usually don't. People are so insecure and most exhibit egomania without sensitivity or balance. That is sad, but I do my best to not let it make me sad, so I don't feel sad for long. I just keep caring and helping where help is accepted. I just keep trying to find people who appreciate caring.

Live, Love, and laugh.

For the record, I love pleasing my ego and I am the center of my universe, but I don't think I am better than anyone else just because I am. If you are not laughing, then you don't really know me. I won't tell yu if that was a joke, you'll just have to judge for yourself. If you can.

Enigmania is fun too.

Meanwhile, the mucous is flowing again and that's been making it challenging to lay down and sleep and that's making it challenging to exercise and that's making it challenging to keep the increase fitness and lose weight commitment. I am going to skip the elliptical tonight and let the muscles rest. If I can sleep . . .


What are we doing?


Narf lol :)

That's Not What I Meant (But it Could Still Be True)

So many times I don't mean what you may think I mean, but what you think I mean may be true just the same. It may happen to you as well, especially in blogging. For instance, just because I am referring to hump day as the mid-work-week day, does not mean I would not welcome a good sexual experience. There are likely better examples, but that one came to mind as I saw the title of previous entry before I started this one. Which leads me to wonder, do you have fantasies?

Fantasies. Did you think I was asking about sexual fantasies? Actually, now that I ask, I am. Originally, I was wondering if you had any recurring fantasies and what were the ones that rose up to your consciousness most. Your most frequent and desired fantasies may be sexual, but they may be something not physical at all. I would like to know.

My most frequent and intense fantasy can be summed up on these songs, in case you would like to know. Love, peace, happiness, honesty, sensitivity, awareness, comfort safety, security. Shared. Shared is squared, at least. Though shared can be to an infinite power too.

So don't let the laughter fool you, or the lust, for that matter. I could live without sex for the rest of this life if the rest would come. My laughter, especially in blogging, can be so momentary, so fleeting, so... lol... you may never come near the meaning even if we returned with more time and cared to delve deep into what might be felt beyond the lol. Within the laughter, the deepest feeling, and question, may slip right past you. Your laughter may be very different than mine :)

For instance, I entered 11/22/03 into a search box (I use ecosia these days, instead of google) and porn came up three times (you've been warned, so don't click in this paragraph if you don't want to see budity and sexuality, m'ok?) on the first page. Ecosia said it found 6,160,000 results. Oddly, I haven't searched for porn in months, at least, and seldom do. I haven't ever searched for it n ccosia, so that can rule out cookies or search memory or whatever. I tried 11/22/03 on google and it was very different. Google said it found about 20,800,000 results. Google obviously searches more databaes and pages than ecosia. Something to think about.

Planting trees and porn, ecosia is an interesting search engine lol.

Meanwhile, what I started out in this entry about was a lot deeper than deep throat or any sex thoughts. I mean, while sex can be quite distracting (if you paused to masturbate, I can wait). You have your fantasies, I have mine, if you recall. When I went to bed I though I was going to get a good long sleep, but the desire to share brought me back here and as the clock strokes past midnight, I wonder what you are doing and whether you feel alone in this world. Are we all just tangled up puppets?

Would you like to swing on a star?

There s a lot more to tis entry floating around in a variety of places (besides my head), but the date web search lead to other word searches, including for myself, and Hours later, simplicity still reigns, even if everyone complicates it.

T...b...c... ?

Narf :)

After Hump Day

Comes Thump Day. Yes, I just invented it, so when it catches on, you can send me the royalties. Just drop them in the ocean cuz that's most likely where I'll be scattered. We may be on the cusp of another sensibly insane period. Softball Monday, softball Tuesday, walk for 8 hours Wednesday, softball Thursday, and suddenly, I'm not craving the pizza TA has on the counter. Two yogurt and two protein drinks, about 400 calories, that's it. I hope lol. Will power like this has not been around for quite some times, so I don't know how long it will last. There's double stuffed oreos on the kitchen table. The kids are here, so the house is a calorie fest of junk food and sweet fatty snacks. The fried chicken on the table is calling me, but I reached for the yogurts and protein drinks. mishugana, give me strength. Hey, you ask your god, I'll ask whom I want, m'ok?

The yogurt is kind of old. It's not as sweet as it usually is. The bacteria is obviously winning. I only have forty seven more in the fridge. It was on sale and I was hoping I'd stop the pig-out and start the healthy lower calorie sensible eating habits. That was a month or two ago, at least. The better the aid digestions, my dears. I sense the potential for a dramatic change coming on. The elliptical is arriving in less than 10 days and maybe I am attempting to be ready for it. I want it to like me, after all. Exercise equipment mocks the fatties, in case you didn't know it. After gyms close, they get together and make fat jokes. They have to be careful in the 24 hour gyms cuz they never know when someone is gonna walk in. People don't like it when a gym seems haunted.

So it's gonna be another long weekend with the kids. Chatter, noise, food temptations, distractions sucking me out of my head and into the land of foodie heaven. I don't want to die in there, so it's time to take a vacation from my addiction. Fatigue lowers will power, so I really should sleep. The bedroom isn't big enough for a recliner or a big TV and I don't want to feel stuffed into one room when I don't have to be, so compromise. Remember how to ignore the temptations and all the rest so self-discipline can return. The healthiest and most aware and most me I've ever been were during times of being most alone. If only someone understood and could reach me there, life would be exponentially more amazing. I mean, imagine...

Two of me? lol.

Bring on the elliptical. Eight nights from now, I'll be able to ride it anytime I want. Will the physical life finally change for the ultimate last phase of physical high? That may be the plan, I mean, it cost more than my first brand new car (which was a Cougar decked out with every luxury option available at the time and it coasted along at 140 miles an hour for almost twenty four hours without dying. It did need new shocks and ties, but hey, so do race cars after 1900 miles at that speed and it wasn't even on a smooth track. I traded it in a year and a half later for a new Celica GT. That was fun too. Did you want to gt to know me through memories? Just ask, I sometimes tell lol).

There are some entries, actually hundreds, but I only have a few in the pipe near enough to remember where they are. It used to matter to me so much more than it does now. To keep the entries flowing, to keep tossing out the bottles, to keep the hope of being found alive.

I sometimes miss those days more than words can say.

So how are you?

Narf :)

Highs and Lows, Simultaneously

So we eat a strange cheesy quiche thing, and drink chocolate.

When you look for distraction, that s when it is hardest to find. I may be up all night, which would be suicide, or steps toward it, because I've been exhausted and nodding off earlier and over the last few weeks exhaustion has been increasing to levels it has not been in years, or longer. I have caffeine for tomorrow. Hopefully the heart will survive. Over-dramatic? Let's hope so. I wonder if someone would get through to me anymore if someone cared enough to try. I'm watching Supergirl and enjoying the distraction of her body. I would love to see more of her body. Sometimes yummy food and chocolate are not enough.

Earlier tonight, the fatigue another ticket from another pissy overnight shift cop, City of Lake Mary variety. Give a little man power and they piss on people. So many little men can't deal with their shortness without being a pissed off fuck power-tripping their way through life. The speed trap was a quick change to 40 when the rest of the road is 45 and there he was, waiting. The City of Lake Mary wants to pretend to be upscale, but it's as small town hicksville as any southern town and tonight's cop proved that. I ignore it well, but tonight the pissy little power-tripper power-tripper got under my skin for a moment.

What pisses me off more is getting caught in a seed trap. I was tired and not paying attention, burning out from working too many hours, and this softball game is for work and I am doing them a favor because they lost four players and their only pitcher on the first night of game one. I wouldn't have been driving this route if I wasn't doing work a favor.

Shake it off, call the Clerk of Courts tomorrow and find out what to do to take care of it without getting points on the license.

Next victim.

I did get to play ore softball. Way to ruin a great mood though, after playing well. Tuesday softball is back and I struck out six, and in three at bats, I went 2 for 2 with a two-base walk, knocked in three of our seven runs, and scored once. If people could run there would have been more runs on my hits. If people listened or knew what to do in the batters box, we might have won. most players swung on 3-1 counts, at least ten times in a six inning game, even as I explained why that is not a good move, especially when the other pitcher is struggling. Only one was a hit. Meanwhile, even as I explained the rules and reminded the coach while he was making the lineup, the coach put two girls together and two guys together, so we had an automatic out every other inning. A couple of batters are automatic outs by themselves, striking out each time their got up. Ah, we play everyone who shows up, so winning isn't everything. I had fun and got some exercise and everyone else seemed to as well.

So now I am writing and want to give myself time because I am pissing away more than a full day's take-home pay on a ticket and need to call the clerk to find out how not to get points on my license. If I could resolve it tonight I've let it go, but the ticket says I must contact the clerk if I want to go to school and not get the points.

Or I might just forget...

Narf :)

It's Just The Way It Is

Or was. Some things will never change. Like farting around. Too much food going in, not enough burned off or coming out, emotional hungry Though there is always hope, even if it is in the future. Imaginary? Perhaps, but then what isn't in the mind?

Intensity, thy names is isolation. Could also make a case for depression, but then, it's a matter of perspective. For a moment, the great white whale of distraction (better than pink elephants of delusions) distraction (oh my! (hey, sometimes it's a face, sometimes it's the body, even without the lion and tigers and bears). The ovewrhelming prudishness is a major turn off though, I mean, religion really destroys rational thought, especially when it comes to the body. Delusional fears are the biggest turn off of all, except maybe intentional harm, but then, they are almost the same, after all. It really is poorly written much of the time, and so aimed at the bible belt the coddling of ignorance is painful to listen to sometimes, she would have done a fantastic job playing in a remake of Clueless, but anyway, eye candy doesn't have to be written well, or have any intelligence.

Like that. The stupidest euphemism in the language so soaked with fear and ignorance.

Nut enough about humanity. Fantasies can keep the loneliness at bay for a little while, but they are mostly temporary. Just the way it is. Wait, wasn't I just rambling on about some sort of nonsense somewhere? Shhhh, the ellipticals are listening.

This should continue, someday..

Narf :)

Raw Talent Maybe

This one is unfinished, incomplete, scattered and wandering and whatever...

Tomorrow morning is softball practice, but I do not feel like sleeping tonight. So here we are. Especially awake and wired after the pig out buffet followed by the pig out midnight snacks. Being that it is 2:26 AM, the odds of my getting six hours sleep are slim. I must be about a half hour away at 10:30 AM. I likely will not be asleep for at least another hour and I should wake at least by 9:45 AM. Skipping a shower can give me an extra fifteen to twenty minutes sleep. Yes, so whatever this means, there is no point to it.

Watching A Series of Unfortunate Events and enjoying the strangeness of the presentation as much as the strangeness of the story, more, even. Melina is cute in a strange way, but she's a bit young to be eye candy, I think. Legally, it depends on which country she is in. Oh, you know the babbler has to dive into a whole new obsessive exploration of this new kid on the block, right? Can you feel the love tonight? lol. Or is that loneliness, sigh, more lol. If you could even begin to get past the first three layers of meaning in my words, you might understand how to begin knowing what I am actually writing about. But no worries if you want to remain on the surface. Just try not to judge anything from there, for the ice gets very thing when you do that. Just saying, I mean, I wouldn't want you to fall through without really trying.

Wait, what? lol

So anyway, watching A Series of Unfortunate Events and all lusty adventures aside, early on in her career, and life I suppose, she's mastered a pouty stare...

One worthy of a place here in this blog, no less. So since we're promoting her facial expressions and potential as eye candy, not to mention her potential as an award winning actress (which she will be if she hasn't become one already?), let's explore a little more about this young talent by seeing a few random posts that she posted on her own instagram (unless her publicity people do that) and, well, you can look her up on Facebook yourself.

Listening to her in an interview, however, her limitations show... somewhat glaringly at times. Sadly, a complete lack of imaginative adjectives. Not a whole lot of depth, education, insight, or intelligence there. Kind of lol. Reminds me a lot of the insulated New York City Jewish life. Naturally, I've been there, so I understand too well easy it is to think we are superior, gifted, above everyone else in the cosmopolitan rapid-fire enlightened city, but so insulated, we never know our limits until we let ourselves explore the rest of the world. Come, let me love you, as an old dead singer once said, and more important, let the world in past the preconceptions of entitlement culture.

What?

Perhap some additional random video distractions will assist...


Sooner or later, the right one will come along. Until then, there are the fantasies.


And more, when time permits...

The Pretender

It is as if the universe is simultaneously mocking my madness and reminding me of just how wonderfully protective and infinite it is (my madness, not so sure about the universe lol) even as I chose to connect it to the sounds and sights (and once upon a time, the rest of the body) of this life. As This Morning played, I slept in and didn't wake until nearly noon.

Sitting in the recliner, reaching for the laptop, in the mood to give myself some me-time writing, the distractions delayed this entry for more than an hour, but after a vent...

(and we pause now for a moment of distraction)
This distraction is a distraction from crap apps (and the crappy customer service that creates and propagates the crap apps) that distracted me from the distractions I was writing about in my primary daily blog, which is almost amusing, if I ignore the fact that I have so little time for myself these days, and/or that I am so out of touch with the heart of my core that makes me who I am (or body), but that's a personal problem for another entry (especially since there are no problems, only solutions, in my mind, and if you are wondering about this blog {or the blog where complaints go} or any of the other hundreds I maintain), or why I complain or complaints in general, venting complaints is part of most solutions as it is part of the process that clears away the clutters of layers of distractions piled on by humanity everywhere in so many ways in this supposedly modern world. Ok, there's enough venting for the moment. You'll just have to explore a lot more of my written gardens to even begin to understand, I mean, if it matters.

Anyway...

Here we are, ready to wander inside my head (maybe, in spite of distractions) with a little help from musical friends. The Pretender reminds me of the profound futility humans have created in this life and appears to be the impetus for coming here, though there is no discernible outline in my conscious mind as I look around inside (or around me, for that matter).

Next, Leader of the Band takes me off on another perspective, a life on the road and memories of times I've lived that life, though much more solitary than the song suggests. That song was followed by The Boxer, a song that reminds me of my younger years in New York, though as so many songs do, it still reflects a different connection as time goes by. It has been a very long time, this time, since I felt the NT state of mind. Just as long as music has been out of the consciousness. So much work and other distractions And loneliness, naturally. Been living The Pretender life, except just for myself, for no one, as another old song says.

The Power of Gold brings the third Dan Fogelberg song to this mix, interesting (returning to the title theme as if requested, followed by others as the afternoon progressed, so I decide to read a bit about home, superficial as Wikipedia can be, and remembered reading more in-depth pieces long ago. WE may have been great friends as we had some core similarities, though he had very different roots (family, for one thing, and Peoria) and he walked a very different path on many levels. I skip a CSN song, which is a rare move for me, and am taken back across decades to a time of profound loss wit Hello It's Me followed by Dan's Another Old lang Syne. The internet seems to want me to reminisce about old loves...

Did I?

That would be telling ad I am apparently not telling today lol.

So anyway...

I recall Bowie's Major Tom somewhere in the mix, a song I easily personalize on many levels, and then, Nancy Wilson's guitar grabbed my attention as a long live version of the intro to Crazy On You and took me back to a $2 album (vinyl) time when I first heard Heart on a sample album a DJ fiend passed on to me. Ann's voice was amazing and I looked up to watch the live video by this band full of underrated musicians, especially Nancy.

Oddly, it was immediately followed by Gordon Lightfoot's If You Could Read My Mind, a great old song returning to the sad broken-hearted theme youtube seems to be saying close to this afternoon in this mix. I supposed Crazy On You was the lyric most out of place in this mix, but it drew my attention more than most as it pulled me out of the wound-licking introspective nostalgic fog that surrounded me (in spite of TA and the little one occasionally interrupting with questions or simply walking through my living room, which is open to the path to the front door... sharing space is compromise, after all).

Al Stewart's Year of the Cat was a lost time for me following the crushing heartbreak and distracted military times (was that telling?... I'm not telling) lol. Once again, the music returns to the title as we walk into the evening. Did I mention Carly Simon's You're So Vain played earlier? lol lam yeah, so what else is new?

So much deeper we should go, if only there was time.
Maybe in another life, when we used to rhyme...

and links were telling so much more
as hope was behind every door
but now I wonder what life's for

is that some sort of crime?

if only there was time...
As Elton sings Someone Saved My Life Tonight (a very old song in my my head, another 4AM song, that comes and goes in very different ways, depending on perspective, life, and times... it's 4 o'clock in the morning... thank god my music's still alive. I think it's time for a shower and a snack, so perhaps this will be continued later... or perhaps another entry will emerge. Showers can be unpredictable, even when there are others is the space. John Denver's Annie's Song just snuck in followed by Alan Parson Sirius and Eye in the Sky...

Speaking of mind reading... are you making today wonderful?

I hope so. :)

Dan's Along The Road plays as the hone rings and I let it go to voicemail because I really need to pause here and get to the shower I've been inching (and itching) toward since waking. Yes, the body does need cleansing in so many ways. The elliptical? Maybe next week. Hush. A part of the heart gets lost in the journey, after all...

Anybody?

Narf :)