The Pretender

It is as if the universe is simultaneously mocking my madness and reminding me of just how wonderfully protective and infinite it is (my madness, not so sure about the universe lol) even as I chose to connect it to the sounds and sights (and once upon a time, the rest of the body) of this life. As This Morning played, I slept in and didn't wake until nearly noon.

Sitting in the recliner, reaching for the laptop, in the mood to give myself some me-time writing, the distractions delayed this entry for more than an hour, but after a vent...

(and we pause now for a moment of distraction)
This distraction is a distraction from crap apps (and the crappy customer service that creates and propagates the crap apps) that distracted me from the distractions I was writing about in my primary daily blog, which is almost amusing, if I ignore the fact that I have so little time for myself these days, and/or that I am so out of touch with the heart of my core that makes me who I am (or body), but that's a personal problem for another entry (especially since there are no problems, only solutions, in my mind, and if you are wondering about this blog {or the blog where complaints go} or any of the other hundreds I maintain), or why I complain or complaints in general, venting complaints is part of most solutions as it is part of the process that clears away the clutters of layers of distractions piled on by humanity everywhere in so many ways in this supposedly modern world. Ok, there's enough venting for the moment. You'll just have to explore a lot more of my written gardens to even begin to understand, I mean, if it matters.

Anyway...

Here we are, ready to wander inside my head (maybe, in spite of distractions) with a little help from musical friends. The Pretender reminds me of the profound futility humans have created in this life and appears to be the impetus for coming here, though there is no discernible outline in my conscious mind as I look around inside (or around me, for that matter).

Next, Leader of the Band takes me off on another perspective, a life on the road and memories of times I've lived that life, though much more solitary than the song suggests. That song was followed by The Boxer, a song that reminds me of my younger years in New York, though as so many songs do, it still reflects a different connection as time goes by. It has been a very long time, this time, since I felt the NT state of mind. Just as long as music has been out of the consciousness. So much work and other distractions And loneliness, naturally. Been living The Pretender life, except just for myself, for no one, as another old song says.

The Power of Gold brings the third Dan Fogelberg song to this mix, interesting (returning to the title theme as if requested, followed by others as the afternoon progressed, so I decide to read a bit about home, superficial as Wikipedia can be, and remembered reading more in-depth pieces long ago. WE may have been great friends as we had some core similarities, though he had very different roots (family, for one thing, and Peoria) and he walked a very different path on many levels. I skip a CSN song, which is a rare move for me, and am taken back across decades to a time of profound loss wit Hello It's Me followed by Dan's Another Old lang Syne. The internet seems to want me to reminisce about old loves...

Did I?

That would be telling ad I am apparently not telling today lol.

So anyway...

I recall Bowie's Major Tom somewhere in the mix, a song I easily personalize on many levels, and then, Nancy Wilson's guitar grabbed my attention as a long live version of the intro to Crazy On You and took me back to a $2 album (vinyl) time when I first heard Heart on a sample album a DJ fiend passed on to me. Ann's voice was amazing and I looked up to watch the live video by this band full of underrated musicians, especially Nancy.

Oddly, it was immediately followed by Gordon Lightfoot's If You Could Read My Mind, a great old song returning to the sad broken-hearted theme youtube seems to be saying close to this afternoon in this mix. I supposed Crazy On You was the lyric most out of place in this mix, but it drew my attention more than most as it pulled me out of the wound-licking introspective nostalgic fog that surrounded me (in spite of TA and the little one occasionally interrupting with questions or simply walking through my living room, which is open to the path to the front door... sharing space is compromise, after all).

Al Stewart's Year of the Cat was a lost time for me following the crushing heartbreak and distracted military times (was that telling?... I'm not telling) lol. Once again, the music returns to the title as we walk into the evening. Did I mention Carly Simon's You're So Vain played earlier? lol lam yeah, so what else is new?

So much deeper we should go, if only there was time.
Maybe in another life, when we used to rhyme...

and links were telling so much more
as hope was behind every door
but now I wonder what life's for

is that some sort of crime?

if only there was time...
As Elton sings Someone Saved My Life Tonight (a very old song in my my head, another 4AM song, that comes and goes in very different ways, depending on perspective, life, and times... it's 4 o'clock in the morning... thank god my music's still alive. I think it's time for a shower and a snack, so perhaps this will be continued later... or perhaps another entry will emerge. Showers can be unpredictable, even when there are others is the space. John Denver's Annie's Song just snuck in followed by Alan Parson Sirius and Eye in the Sky...

Speaking of mind reading... are you making today wonderful?

I hope so. :)

Dan's Along The Road plays as the hone rings and I let it go to voicemail because I really need to pause here and get to the shower I've been inching (and itching) toward since waking. Yes, the body does need cleansing in so many ways. The elliptical? Maybe next week. Hush. A part of the heart gets lost in the journey, after all...

Anybody?

Narf :)