Low Energy, Muddled Words

Days pass by without the babble, mostly because the diet changed again. Somehow, suddenly, as usual, shifted gears. Suddenly, the calorie intake is diminishing. Zero Monday, zero Tuesday, and the Chinese buffet break Wednesday after a long day walking around crashed me. From work to buffet to bathroom to shower to bed, boom, ten hours later, reborn, sort of. The neck stiffens regularly the past few days. Too much sitting Monday and Tuesday and then, Wednesday the fast kicked my ast, fast. At least I didn't end up in the hospital this time.

As usual, I am seriously irreverent. Or irreverently serious. Either way I am sincerely both.

there

is

so

much

more

but concentration with the TV on is not happening and I have to get up early to see the doctor and I want to shower before I do so I must lay down now.

Catch-up another time, m'ok?

Narrf :)

Sleep Deep

Give me Love
give me love
give me peace on Earth
That was playing on the radio, a lot, not as much as My Love, but almost, as I was working in the storeroom of the Modell's Davega on Chambers Street just footsteps from the Manhattan side of the Brooklyn Bridge, the bridge I drove over to get to work six days a week. Afternoons, actually, except Saturday. I was napping in high school most weekday mornings. Even closer, a few hundred feet to the west, was a construction site. I watched the two tallest building in the world rise to loom over the Hudson River for almost thirty years. I was long gone from New Yrk when the dust from the twin towers covered the windows of the first place I ever worked, but the connection remains.

Memories in deep sleep.

I was disappointed with both songs at the time. They showed the weaknesses of Paul and George's songwriting talents. Still gifted, but collaboration was the magic that made the Beatles so amazing and that was lacking in the two songs flowing through my mind during this entry. They were not Beatles songs. Both were syrupy, whiny, and without the magical mystery melodies that made the Beatles the Beatles. I was also madly (deeply, truly) in love with someone who would only consummate behind closed doors because her best friend seduced me two weeks before she confessed her love for me. The heart wants what the heart wants and that is how triangles play their song.

Now, all these years later, the rational mind convinces the heart that it was puppy love, never serious, never mature, never the eternal endless true love we thought it was at the time.

There is so much more...

someday...

somehow...

somewhere...

Narf :)
to


follow


again


Narf. :)

Past Out

I had always treasured my memories, the past, the love I shared without end, the trust I gave so unconditionally... it all made me proud of who I am and what I could do. I do not value the materials most people value. I value the heart, the experience of emotions and bonding that comes from unconditional trust, love, loyalty, and living for someone else. Giving life to the fearless promise of sharing caring - the secret of survival.

There is more...

A little food, some calories, and the energy rises. Because I am too old to fast more than 48 hours or the will power simply ran out. One can of chicken, one can of 98% fat free cream of mushroom soup, one can of asparagus, one spoon of low fat mayo. About 475 calories. Hopefully tomorrow will be similar. I appreciate all the cheering and encouragement and dancing in the streets.

I heard from Jackson today She was home sick. She sent a text letting me know. More words than I've heard from her in weeks. Family. As close as I ever get. Sad, I suppose. Baseline reality in my experience in this world. This world of humanity.

Lately, I have not been treasuring my memories nearly as much as I used to. The belief that everything is connected is challenging to maintain in a world where everyone disconnects so easily. With a big smile and words of love as if they care even when they are almost never there.

Exercise must come next.


. . .


it will come...


Narf :)

Sometimes Doubt

Sometimes I wonder what is the point, what am I doing all of this for... all of this writing, posting, why? Is this me living or preparing to die?

There is a bubbling cauldron inching up the walls of a volcano and any moment now...

boom.



. . .



It will come.


Narf :)

Scavenging for Friends

Today's scavenger hunt was fun. Some improvements were suggested for next time to make it more fair (the son of the person who created the scavenger hunt won because he went into his room and found several items on the list which allowed his team to get one extra item outside and spend less time looking and therefor his team ended up with three more points than us even though we found every item on the list and beat them back to home base which should guarantee a win... they also had an advantage because they knew the area well and we had to google the location for everything. We still found everything and got back first.). Met one cool person I'd like to hang out with again, though she's married and I am not sure if she or her husband is is into a male friend. Her name is Christine. Her husband is Romanian and she lived there with him for most of her adult life after going to college in Germany, but she was born and spent childhood until 18 in Michigan. Small world, aye?

Keep trying to meet more new people, that's the ticket.

So not laundry is spinning and food is heating up and I am spending a relaxing Saturday night here. Eb bought a new Xbox One in the past few days and he's been playing non-stop since opening the box. The living room is blocked and I have to keep stepping over his stuff to get out the door and back inside. He finally moved to a chair directly in front of the TV but the path is still blocked. He really has no clue about sharing space with someone - or even being considerate of someone else in his space. Whatever, I had fun and am gong to eat spaghetti and meatballs tonight for dinner. Frozen, yes, but not canned. I bought a spaghetti pot and a frying pan and pizza pan (as if I don't have enough in storage) and we shall see if I decide to use them here. That will require some serious cleaning, so we shall see.

I may not have internet after November 30. Eb does not want to pay $70 for it and he's hinted I can get a new customer deal for about $50 but first, I will not accept a rent increase so he's have to lower the rent by $50 and second I don't want to be here for another year so signing up for a discount for this place does not make sense unless I can transfer it and third there are most likely set up fees and transfer fees that will just take more money out of my pocket so he can lower his monthly bills and fourth I already pay his mortgage, utilities, internet, and then some with the rent I currently pay so he's got a reality check coming if the internet gets turned off or if he actually asks me (as opposed to hinting). If I have no more internet here I will send and check email and upload writings from work and the motivation to get out of here will be much more powerful as I will have no TV to distract me from this unhealthy living environment.

Silver linings are good. :)

More to follow...

Wonderful Emptiness

I am wondering if that is all there is in humanity. A wonderful emptiness. Wonder and hope, shallow and false, limited by fear and perspective. Egocentricity leaves little room for anything else. I know, I've experience it in my journey to understand humanity. To leave innocence and selflessness and honest love and unconditional trust, the birthright of every new born life, behind and replaced by fear and all it's burdens, distortions, and delusions. Would you understand this, we might communicate without pretenses.

Continuing in the vein to which you are accustomed (through all caution to the wind again, no doubt), I wrote the detailed entry for last night after waking and showering. Another day waking after noon. Eating too much, again. So I shall not eat this late morning and shall not eat through the day unless served something worth the calories and until this evening when I am not influenced by others, that shall be the best I do for today.

Showered. A shorter shower than I'd have liked, but Eb is very water-usage conscious these days because the last water bill somehow showed usage increased by 250% which makes no sense unless I really was showering, doing laundry, and washing dishes a whole lot less before last month. That is possible. That is not healthy or moving in or living here comfortably, but it is possible. Living like a refugee is getting old. He seldom showers, does laundry, or washes dishes - very unsanitary. I expect the water bill to be high again this month because I am increased my sanitary habits. Not where I'd like them to be, but better than the minimal I was doing to try to acclimate to his home.

The rash, whatever it is, flared up again this morning. I guess because I did not do the sitz bath thing four time yesterday like I do most days. Sitting in the hard theatre seats and only showering once yesterday apparently did not help. I applied extra cream to the affected areas. This is no laughing matter, the rapidly ascending deterioration of the flesh, the malady that the specialist for the affected area tells me is nothing, the need of medical care ever increasing. If you are not laughing, you really ought to ask yourself why you are here.

The joke is the madness that trusts modern medicine. The pity is the hypocrisy of the Hippocratic oath. The carelessness of the wealthy professionals most treat as gods. Yet these professionals have the monopoly on the drugs that can do something about healing maladies. There was a time when this sort of itching rash would heal with an overnight treatment an at the least a few days. Now, it has been nagging and not healing for months. Finding a doctor I can trust should be an imperative, but every time I search the same results find me (or do I find them?)... nothing. I shall search again very soon, for the pain increased again tonight when it should be subsiding. The past treatments are no longer working.

There was a time when I thought I knew someone close enough to care enough to be aware of these sort of personal details.

I was fooled again.

Time to head out to a scavenger hunt.

Have fun today.

Narf :)

Post Stuffing

It was yesterday when I revisted Diaryland and the one and only Dangerspouse, the splendiferous blogging NY DJ, when I wrote this in his notes:

I can barely move. I think someone put a funnel in my mouth and poured in more food after I fell asleep to reduce the leftover pile. Once again you enthralled me with your adventures in everyday life. I suppose moving the computer to another room would be too simple a fix, so how about a scuba tank. The wet suit can protect you from the molds and you'd be prepared for the next faulty urinal. Personally I try to stay dry at work. My office is a refrigerator. People left they lunches in there to keep them cold until they got tired of eating only half of what they brought it. I wasn't greedy, just hungry. Besides, I had to make sure the food didn't spoil. I look out for my co-workers. Hope you and NewWifey(tm) get well soon. I assume you'll catch it since you can't keep your hands off each other. Sick sex is better than none. Keep breathing.

The Stuffing continues as yesterday I ate a light late lunch, but was not satisfied to be sensible and wise after being energized by the show so I stopped to shop for food and stuff and ate a medium package of lasagna with an 8 ounce package of mozzarella extra. A zillion calories more than I should have. I also washed my butt just once yesterday and say way too much (afternoon writing and for the evening show, not the most comfortable of seating which is another major disappointment for the new multi-million dollar arts and entertainment center this city built to replace the arts and entertainment center that was always faulted for poor acoustics, but had better acoustics than the new one, but I said all that already so I'll say it again:

Love Never Dies was excellent, even from the nosebleed seats. The seats were harder foam cushions than expected, but what was seriously disappointing was the ceiling which, while circus-like artsy, was an acoustic nightmare. The sound system was poor to begin with, but then you can seldom expect good sound in the upper balcony even though technology makes it easy to have great sound anywhere if you want to invest in the right equipment. Much of the time the words did not articulate clearly through the speakers. The actors were excellent, from what I could see and hear.

It was still a fun experience and, while I would like to take more control of buying the tickets therein assuring better seating, I now have a theatre-going friend for future shows. There was an opportunity to take photos with the cast after the show but Izzy did not appear interested as she went for the first exit door instead of walking through the lobby where all of the standing in costume. It appears Izzy has a similar (or worse) aversion to crowds that Jackson had. Definitely not a mosh pit partner, if I ever decide to go moshing again.

As for the show, I felt like I had seen it before, but I believe the cast said this was the first touring production so I apparently didn't. The story was well written and performed with serious fun. The distance from the stage allowed an emotional distance so only a tear and a half was shed at the very end, but it may have inspired more if viewed from closer where facial expressions and better clarity could be seen, heard, and experienced. The show was a fitting sequel to a truly great show and classic story. I preferred the music of the original, but the music of the sequel will definitely grow on me given a chance. I won't tell you the end, but it was tear-jerkingly wonderful. For the love of music. For the love of love.

When I finally move out of this place and into a place where I can bring my stuff (music, in this case) out of storage so I can start listening to music and entertainment more selectively again, I shall find Love Never Dies and add it to my collection. If I start collecting again. At this point in life, de-cluttering seems more logicl and sensible and wise, especially since I do not have anyone who is interested in all the stuff I have collected (and still have, since most of the stuff I've collected has been giving away.. which would shock most of you if you saw how much stuff is still in storage, but that's another series of stories for other times), over the course of this lifetime.

So I sat here (more sitting) watching TV and relaxing after the show. Orville, Criminal Minds, Young Sheldon, Future Man - the latter being pure background noise). Spoke to Harpo on the way home. He helps restore my faith in the human imagination outside of my head. Ate the lasagna. Now, finally, sleep.

Hope you had fun too. Feel free to share. Or come on over, even.

Narf :)

I Do It For The Hope

The links, that is. And all the repetitiveness. Like this:

It being adding to me massive missives on the Diaryland. You had to be there. Don't fret, you still can be. It'll just take you time. And a lot of reading. Meanwhile, besides babbling on after returning back here last night and continuing after waking today (I think I woke about 2:00 PM... yeah, when I sleep in, I do it right), I showered. That's right, all I've done so far today is write and shower. A wonderful day off, from my perspective. You can read the diaryland entry and see if it's as wonderful for you. Be forewarned though, especially if you think you know me offline, I am throwing caution to the wind more often and not editing out my thoughts and feelings about real life and the real people in it. I figure those who care will know I mean no harm and am simply leaving my mark on the world without inhibition and those who don't, well, sad they may leave but that is life. If you wanna leave, take good care.

I've gotta be me, after all. Someday we'll all understand. I suppose I forgot to thank Dan, Walter, Melissa, Cat, and so many others in that entry.

Enjoy your day. Hope you keep in touch.

Narf :)

and the previous entry too.

I mean, it was not enough to link this entry three times here already, but I felt the compulsion (or is it obsession) to re-post it here and mention it elsewhere just to keep the stream of consciousness (and links) alive and well, alive. What else can I do?

Writing is breathing for my mind as singing is breathing for the rest of me (physically and beyond). So to have the luxury of a day off with nothing to do (oh sure, there's laundry, but I've got the weekend coming for that) is a blessing on every level for me. Except maybe for the anus that is really not benefiting from excessive sitting and should really be taken to a doctor if I only could find a doctor I trust enough to go poking about back there, but that's beside the point. Or under it, to be more precise.

Did I just call all this bullshit?

Of course not. I am not a bull.

Meanwhile, if The Funda(tm) ever came back, would the rumours of little pale green men start riding the internet again? You really ought to keep up with the flows so you don't fall too far behind. I mean, I understand life gets busy and people drift away from the things and people they love, but you oughta know what is best for you and that's me. And my heart. And babbles.

I do it for the hope we will all understand and come together one day. If not right now over me.

Tonight Izzy and I are going to see Love Never Dies and I am very excited about seeing a full Broadway production again. I think it will be the first full production I will be seeing in the big new live theatre Orlando built last year to replace the older one that did not have the best acoustics which made sitting in the first few rows more necessary and memorable. Izzy bought the tickets and we will be sitting in the nose bleed seats I am told (I believe she used another term, but you get the drift). Up there where the air is thin where you can't see facial expressions the acoustics matter more than anything. Izzy may be replacing Abby who sadly died several years ago and I've not had a serious live theatre living friend since. I used to buy the best seats in the house, at least two, and treat Abby (or sometimes Jane or Jackson or someone else) because I wanted someone to go with and others I knew were not ready to spend that sort of money. I think the tickets tonight are under $60 and Izzy is paying for hers. I am used to $200 tickets (or more), but the first few rows are worth it. Often I would see a show twice, the second time (or first) in the middle of the theatre to get a bigger view of the stage show, especially if there was grand theatrical choreography and costuming. I still have sawdust in my veins and music, oh, dear precious music, I still bleed music.

The Phantom understands, though he may have taken obsession a bit too far.

Hope you find your wonder today.

Narf :)

Are You Broken?

This is what I am coming to realize. I am not sure if I know anyone who is not broken inside. Good, kind, beautiful children have minds that want to believe in people and hearts that want to trust. Until they are broken. Until someone simply lies to gain their trust and then betrays them. The innocent trusting heart breaks and it is more challenging to trust again. The vigilant persevere and try again, however broken, and sometimes, they find someone who can commit and sometimes they find another betrayal. Some try again and again, almost becoming numb to the broken pain inside. Trusting by rote, not consciously acknowledging what they are doing but just accepting the comfort and promise for however long it lasts. Blinded by the need to love and be loved and the pain it has brought them, they are helpless victims of repeating the same mistakes over and over.

Broken.

If you think you are not broken, you are either too young to know or too old to care what is real and true... or the luckiest person on this planet. Have you loved and lost?

I am not sure if this helps or if it just a placebo. Emma might be amused, but understand?... who knows. Whatever she might understand, she is one of those voices that call out to me at night. One of those voices who may never know I hear her, but I am here if she calls. Why should everyone who doesn't call me be someone who knows me, after all. I can give you other references, other names, other links. Don't think I haven't thought this through. There is plenty of time to figure it all out behind the walls.

Don't let it go to your head, you may not understand as much as you might think you understand.

Tonight was another orphan thanksgiving dinner for those with minimal or no family in the area. I wonder if I am the only one with no biological family. I wonder if I am the only one who has no one ever called family close enough to reach out to if I needed anything. Just to talk, even. The family who adopted me never talked about anything really serious with me. No one ever looked me in the eye as a child and told me if I ever needed to talk, they would listen. It just was not that kind of family. There was some vague and superficial assumption that there was some family bond, but it was not ever consciously acknowledged and I don't buy into assumptions.

There is truth in this song, for what it's worth. Few ever actualize the experience far enough to know that truth, but I did and truth is very clear if you face it.

So I carved the ham and another guy carved the turkey and they were both good, but drier than they ought to be coming from Boston Market. Izzy set a beautiful table for 14 and an odd group of social rejects, myself included (we can explore what I mean by that if anyone cares to converse on the subject, but until someone does, it is what it you make of it and hopefully no one creates offense where none exists), sat around and stuffed our faces. Only one couple was there (Julie and Porter). Sarducci came without his girlfriend, Glinda, so their on again off again relationship may be going back to off (a half dozen times back and forth over the last four or more years. I sat next to Tinman and Polly sat on the end of the table on my left. Her parents sat across. Safe zone for the dinner. A lot of eating, passing of plates, a little conversation. Polly's parents do not speak a lot of English.

The usual foods. Turkey and ham for the meats. Two kinds of cranberry sauce, two kinds of potato casseroles, a green bean casserole, s small dish of gouda mac and cheese, julienne squash, brussel sprouts, stuffing, probably a few other dishes at the other end of the table. Dinner went quickly. We sat around eating and in just over an hour, cleaning up began. Dessert was a lot of pies and nothing I was interested in, which was better for the body.

After dinner we played games. It did not go well. Confrontation and one guy went in the living room to pout quitting on his team. As I said, social rejects. I could have handled it better too, but I don't try to control people the way he did and when I called him on it, he just left. Harpo vented some of his depression and seeking validation for his anger from Tinman. He does not fully understand that his obsessive venting is why he has trouble finding new friends. So what's my excuse, right?

We played a few more games as people started heading home before 10:00PM and then Izzy, Harpo, and I played a game of hearts before we left. I got home close to 2:00 AM. Sleeping in tomorrow.

I was good. I did not discuss the state of the world with anyone other than Julie who shares many of my views. She is brilliant and in the news business. I did not bring up my distaste for this holiday and all white Europeans and now most "Americans" have made of it. I tried to be positive and I believe I succeeded. I did my best not to focus too much energy or awareness on the fact that almost everyone was grossly overweight and the healthy active influence I seek was not there tonight. I wonder why I am attracting obese friends and I suppose it is because I am reaching obese proportions again and I do not give out healthy vibs to the healthy people nearing my energy field. There are some at work, though the three I interact with most. I will focus on my health and fitness when I want to, when placating my dissatisfaction with my current life with food becomes less desirable than dying fat and broken.

Dear me... can we start healing again tomorrow?

Probably not. It's the holidays, after all. I may be moving a bit closer to Izzy as she enjoys shows so we are going to see Love Never Dies tomorrow. I don't know her well enough to have already shared how I relate to love and relationships and people, no less the Phantom story or music, but perhaps we will share and bond a bit more tomorrow. I certainly would like a new close friend who can share a serious conversation, though I have not gotten that vib from her over the years. She likes being in a romantic relationship and I have no desire for more than platonic friendship with her. If you've been reading me for any length of time then you know my platonic relationships can be more serious and intense than most romantic relationships (remember Jackson?). We shall see if that is something she wants.

Meanwhile, when it comes to self-care of this body... I am as sick as the rest of the culture.

Looking bck on the idea of becoming more "human" I wonder... this really what I wanted?

Fitting in is not all it's cracked up to be.

Narf :}

Thanks

Ok, lots of dinner rolls sit on the front seat of the car (so I don't forget them lol) and that binging reminder is now out of my head so I might be able to focus better on letting my mind wander wherever it may . . .

So how are you?

I am hungry, as usual. I am fat and always hungry. I am an American.

Yes, that is probably quotable for those who see reality and don't mind the to edge sword of honesty. Back a couple of decades ago, 1973, actually, I stopped following my own path and consciously decided to try to understand the path of the average normal person. Emotional trauma inspired the decision. For all the decades since I have been working on understanding how to be human, normal, flawed the way everybody else is flawed (instead of just flawed as I am), just to try to fit in and make a connection and find friends and ultimately, find the one. Or to be more precise, another the one. But simply trying to fit in, to not be the singularity in the room.

From the beginnings through all the changes (and as Harry said, they do keep on changing) I've had one underlying goal (as it states in the right sidebar hello and introduction of the one underlying goal link we just passed). . . to learn how to be a human being (by contemporary human standards)... maybe then I won't be so alone. Yup, that was it. Still is. Through all that was and still is (even the distractions I so ambivalently love to hate (it's only words... and words are all I have... yeah, yeah, yeah) has not altered the course (or heart or core) enough to change it {a zig zag line [which zig zag line? lol... inside joke ~I started, no doubt~, aye? lam] still goes in one overall direction} and the evidence is right there waiting, like me, for anyone who cares to explore what makes me tic and more enough to find it) was always designed to lead me (back to your door where I once belonged, aye?) to where I am, a always just a moment away from finding everything I ever wanted. How much more exciting can a moment be, after all? :)

Maybe if only it made sense to someone outside my head :)


The phone rang, Harpo, so the flow of the epic link filled paragraph that happens now and then. Harpo's mom is at the end stage of life and he's helping her hang on and he hurts all the time and is frustrated and his naturally obsessive personality is stressing him out so much it's sad... so I talk to him often to try to help him de-stess. His life is a strange one, focused primarily on writing letters to anyone who will listen about how he was treated by Disney over the last twenty years (and especially the last ten) as he's filled copyright lawsuits against them and their big pockets and teams of lawyers have made a mockery of his claims through legal manipulations that do not all make sense legally (and may very well be legal, but money talks, even in judges ears) and intimidation. It's an unhealthy obsession, but nothing I've tried has dissuaded him from his course and I understand that level of dedication very well. I just mentioned it, did I?

Perhaps my touching on it myself and putting it out there in words shifted some energy that affected him and inspired him to call at this very moment. All matter is connected, after all, even if we do not see or understand how.

I want the one to be heavily into songwriting, science fiction, empathy, food, softball (and sports), creativity and watching creativity, and stillness, just to mention a few must-have qualities to be ideal. I will accept a the one who is not ideal, for sure, if there is mutual understanding. A heart that writes the never ending love song, a mind that lives in science fiction, and spirit that actualizes empathy, body that adores food of all kinds and loves sports, especially softball, a soul as still as as creative as possible, and above all else, mutual understanding. There is a start of the person I would like to spend the rest of this live with. Or at least be a friend or roommate.

This started as a letter to J, but became an introspective entry for me and a thank you, all of you and the universe too, for being there, whomever you are, whenever you get here, for I am so appreciative of your being even when I do not stay in touch and only share in these sort of one way babbles and these words are still true, even if sometimes only here...

you are, dear reader, the reason I'm here
these words are inspired because you care
the prose often flows into rhythms and rhyme
when you let me know you've given your time
to come here to keep in touch with me
that's the point of these words you see
it's all about the sharing we can do
for you, dear reader, thank you
thank you
This probably belongs in one of the more autobiographical blogs, but I wanted to write something here because it is a holiday for most people I know (at least in this country) and I have the time... and I love you.

Until next time...

May you find many more smiles than frowns along your way today and every day, especially inside.

Hug and Narf :)

Bits in Time

There will be more when time permits... Two letters to new pen pals when I find time to organize and post... more...

For now...


Softball Sunday, two games, two loses, the new team is improving, though we have one prima donna player dragging the team down because she thinks she is much better than she is and yet doesn't hustle at all, throws the ball to the wrong bases, gives aggressive looks to base runners while holding on to the ball, and teaches others who are just learning bad habits. Hopefully we will find a fix for that.

After softball, dinner with friends at a sports bar. Sigh, sports bar food. But smile, dozens of TVs to see football games. Strange cultural phenomenon in my head and also at the place. Watching people in optimal health while eating crap food and drinking alcohol. What a culture. Still, fun to see friends.

Home to write and listen to music. Checked Fantasy football and I am ahead, projected to win, but sadly it is against Jackson and advice I gave her that she followed cost her 10 points. I won't know if I won by more than ten points until tomorrow night. Hope I do, or my advice cost her a win. We hardly keep in touch anymore, but I still love her and don't want to cause her any loses, even in a silly online game we hardly even talk about.


no time for depth
where is the meaning
where is the magic
where is the love

no time for me
but do I want to?
where is the question?
no answers above
no answers below
no answers outside
no time for within
no fantasy
no time for me

lost in the pages of forgotten books
lost in the memories of forgotten looks
lost in the workaholic fight not to drown
lost conforming to the happy sad clown

break me in two and you'll find my heart
already beating in two separate parts
torn into pieces before I could crawl
the only repair was giving it all

without walls
without doors
without defenses

without games
without shames
without pretenses

too vulnerable for conformity
so why don't I give in?
all I want is honesty
it's my life I'm living
delusions are not for me
no matter how many believe
I would rather be alone
than lie or deceive

without walls
without doors
without defenses

without games
without shames
without pretenses

break me in two and you'll find my heart
already beating in two separate parts
torn into pieces before I could crawl
the only repair was giving it all
only partially repaired by giving it all

did you miss me?
dd you even ever know me?
do you miss me?
is there any way to show me?
can you feel me?
without any god or fear
want the real me?
just be real, just be here

without walls
without doors
without defenses

without games
without shames
without pretenses

just be you
without fear
just be real
just be here

Anybody Listening?

You see things through your own eyes, if you see things at all. Here some find sadness, some find depression, some find illness, some find other negativity. I wonder if they are seeing what is here or what they want to find. Does anyone find the joy? The hope? The wonder? I feel it all the time... even when expressing the deepest sorrow or fiercest frustration or most agonizing pain, I find the positivity shining inside whether it is desperate hope (I am hopelessly hopeful, after all) or rainbows or resolutions or clarity or simply the satisfaction of expressing the negativity. It is my security and stability and it could be that I do not express it well enough... but I feel it, it is real, and it is here.

Maybe those who focus on the negativity may only be able to see the negativity (or actually want to) and it is sad that so many miss the beauty and wonder and excitement and satisfaction and euphoria of letting it all out in a creative and fun way.

What are you seeing through your eyes?

Is there anyone out there who really understand and even channels the minds that gave us some of the most hopeful and challenging thoughts? Writers, but especially musicians, help me remember. I miss John Lennon. I miss Harry Chapin. Two of my brothers from other mothers, I feel (channel?) their spirit through my memories and wish I knew someone who experience even part of what I experience when their words and music pass through me.

I miss singing so much... I repress the feeling...

I still imagine
mostly when I am asleep
I still have dreams
and promises to keep

I let distractions
keep me in a daze
a life out of control
without the purple haze
minor infractions
keep me off my game
a world of apathy
a world of guilt and shame
a world of delusions
a world of lies and pain
a world of madness
a world of going insane
a world of sadness
a word of inside a brain
I still imagine
we can love again

was it just your innocence
or did you really understand
would you live another life
always holding my hand
can two become one in this world
or is that fantasy
can fairy tales become real
what is reality?

I still imagine
a world living as one
with no possessions
nothing to spoil the fun

there is more to this
waiting for you






More to come, when I awake someday...

Still The Same

As I ever was... for the heart remains true and nothing could change that after all the experiences in this world in this life (look at all my trials and tribulations) as I can proudly say the worst of the possible fine messes I could get into has continued to come to pass and time after time person after person has proven to be too afraid to dive into the infinite abyss of unconditional trust and share the depths of the magic and wonder created there.

What fools these mortals be, no doubt.

Can it be time to sing again... and now, the end is near... the songs (or at east some of them), way, and the way is whatever the heart wants and the heart has never gotten what it wants as the first link at the start of this entry says if you were paying attention, but no worries as hope springs eternal even though the truest words ever spoken are probably can't buy me love cuz frog knows i've tried.

sleep calls
but my heart still years
sleep calls
and the world still turns

I don't know how many times I've cried in the night
or how many more times I can
Loneliness swells and my heart floods with hope
I am just that kind of man

the dream never dies
I just won't let it
the dream never dies
I just won't forget it

and if the music never comes to my words
I will continue to write
even if all my efforts are for the birds
words still fill every night

to love and be loved
that is why I live
my heart and my love
I live to give

is there anybody going to listen to my story?
find me somebody to love you know the song
every day is just another day waiting for her
as much fun as life is it hasn't begun
nothing wrong
just looking for someone to love
just a song
longing for someone to love

still the same old story
keep the fight and the glory
all I want is what I've been dreaming of
all I want is someone to love

sleep calls
but my heart still years
sleep calls
and the world still turns

I don't know how many times I've sang in the night
or how many more times I can
Loneliness swells and my heart floods with hope
I am just that kind of man

the dream never dies
I just won't let it
the dream never dies
I just won't forget it

to love and be loved
that is why I live
my heart and my love
I live to give

still the same old story
keep the fight and the glory
all I want is what I've been dreaming of
all I want is someone to love

sleep... go random alone... just for kicks and giggles...

then again, it is sad that popular music has lost it's melody over the years...


what?
Narf :)

Partial

"I'm so tired
Of all this circling
And all these glimpses of the end
All my voices say
You'll go right on circling
Until you've found some kind of friend"

And then, emerging from what everyone I've ever known has called sorrow is the hope that defines me. Someday I hope to find someone who understands this. Until then, I just go on circling.... and to pass the time with an offer of potential shared, if not mutual understanding, I offer another one of those moments of myself and my own joyous understanding that can easily be expressed as only Austin Powers could say, yeah, baby.

Yeah, more to follow... eventually...


"Now to see things clear it's hard enough I know
When you're waiting for reality to show
When you're dreaming of a perfect love and holding it so high above
you can stumble on to something real and never know..."

and...

"Everyone I've ever known has wished me well
Anyway that's how it seems, it's hard to tell
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing
'Cause that's easier than letting on how little they could care
But when you know that you've got a real friend somewhere
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear."

May we all find the real friend... the one who knowingly shares the illusion that we are not alone. :)

Or something ike that.

I love the omg moments of finding a musical library like this online.

Passionate Fools

For the record, the volume variances on television stations at night are annoying enough for me, and probably others, to turn off the TV. So advertisers and TV moguls, think about the profits you lose by playing with the audio. Anyway, tonight another TV series enters my consciousness, Salvation. It has all the standard possibilities for a science based epic if it doesn't fall into the usual human frailty traps (religion, passion, greed, paranoia, and so on). Already the soap opera passion crap is muddying the waters, but I suppose that's a big part of stretching a story into a TV series. It seems that Hollywood or human artists can only see pure logic without confusing passion as pathological, socio or psycho.

So anyway, I slept in today because I could, a day off for Veteran's Day. Other than sighing deeply, I will do my best not to get into the hypocrisy and foolishness of the current immaturity of humanity that lets insecurity and fear feed paranoia and greed to the point where possessiveness and egocentric power trips dominates almost every human decision, even those we attribute to the heart (but who has the conscious awareness to see beyond the emotional clouds and storms we create to perceive all this clearly, aye?

What?

I watched Wisdom of the Crowd recently and realize it promotes the optimism that humans collectively know what to do to do right and save itself from it's own self-destruction if we only work together even if an outside force does it for us. Interesting concept. Facebook has yet to prove the wisdom the the crowd is anything more than divisive petty arguments between self-important coward emboldened by anonymity and the false sense of privacy and security offered by the internet.

Yeah, so today I spent the afternoon adding articles and images to my Facebook pages. A friend, actually two friends asked me to check my FB because they has a couple of parties planned over the next few months. Fun Fun Fun... and maybe a touch of renewed social life. If I am in ove by the new year then miracles really do happen and dreams really do come true, so stay tuned and keep looking up.

So now I have six new parties on my calendar and then, food.

The pig-out was take out from a Korean place that gets rave reviews from locals and I am beginning to think this area has a whole lot of people with very inexperienced pallets and limited knowledge of how delicious food can be. Poverty and the location experience really do provide such a different perspective on everything. Anyway, the food was good,just not rave-worthy. Now there's another meal in the fridge for another day and delicious chocolate chop cookies were for dessert.

The evening is watching Salvation. I took a shot and the subject matter interests me but we shall see whether the stereotypical religious zealots, black ops crap, and personal paranoia dominates the story, instead of the science and reality of astronomical phenomenon. Sure enough, it's more about international intrigue (which is the result of stupidity and paranoia and jumping to conclusions and prejudice and assumptions and all the rest of the human frailties which seem to be what people want rather than good sense, logic, and intelligence).

Blah blah blah...

until...

Narf :)

Gonna Explode Again Someday

That's right. I am not done yet. Age is weighing heavy on this body, but no way no how am I giving up or giving in (punching my way out of this paper bag of human pretense with alacrity and osmosis, even. I know when I've been used and discarded, I've experienced it many times before. As you well know if you know me at all and cared enough to listen to me whine - or just asked because you cared. Never give up, never surrender.

Yup, busy day at work. I got in early, checked mail and calendar and desk work stuff, and then headed out to a meeting that didn't happen> My bad, I had the wrong day. I decided it was a cool enough morning to make a tour of some parks, so I did that. Walking through parks and checking equipment ad bridges and boat ramps and anything where safety can be improved and taking some photos is a really cool job. I documented flooding conditions continue in several places even though the water levels went down.

Within an hour I received a call about a landfill truck in an accident overturning in a ditch. So I headed there and helping out and guided and helped out some more. I answered questions for the county and did the safety officer thing. A pick up truck ran a stop sign and her right front end collided with the left front end of a ten thousand pound tractor (cab, in some lingos) hooked to a seventy six thousand pound trailer full of compacted trash. The pick up spun around three times and was stopped by a guard rail without a right front quarter panel. The tire and rim were also gone. The pick up driver received a citation and our driver was praised for choosing to run into a guard rail (the guard rail is history), a telephone pole, and a ditch. The guard rail did it's job, the ditch finished the job, the almost ninety thousand pound vehicle stopped. The choice for our driver was that or a line of cars waiting at the light. Good noble choice, driver.

The best news was that there were no major injuries. The driver of the pick-up was checked out by paramedics, but refused further treatment. Our driver has a sore shoulder from the seat belt. It took two enormous wreckers most of three hours to get the truck and trailer out of the ditch. When they finally did, they towed it to the landfill so our people could offload the trash and then both tractor and trailer will be towed to our service department for a complete check up and repairs. More than two hundred thousand dollars... hopefully the other driver has good insurance. Then there's the cost of replacing the guardrail. Few people have property damage that can cover all that. Most people should.

The County Manager and Deputy County Manager stopped by and thanked me for being out there. I communicated with several departments to coordinate services needed. All on the fly as I am still learning the specifics of who does what in the county. The Sheriff handles traffic and crowd control until the accident cite is cleared and determines fault and issues citations and does the accident report. The Fire Department handles environmental safety and medical care. The damaged vehicles are extricated and towed by contracted towing companies. The guard rail and road damage is handled by the county roads division. The solid waste division does the county incident report because it was their driver and vehicle. The County Engineering Division will come out, inspect, and insure the Roads Division has the right plans for fixing the shoulder and guard rail good as new. The County Traffic Division will evaluate the need for a full stop light replacing the stop signs (There are two stop signs an a flashing red light on the north south street and a yellow flasher on the main road). The Risk Management Division recovers the costs of damages from a cited driver's insurance. The Safety Officer investigates and assists at the accident scene and insures policies, procedures, and safe practices are followed by all of the Divisions and Departments - also gives a report the the Risk Management Division, County Manager, and County Commissioners (sometimes to others who ask for it).

Back to the accident scene and the day that was, after the wreckers finally got the rig moved and a downed telephone pole was loaded on another truck and taken to the landfill, the roads crew was out there to fill in the damage to the shoulder and to put up barricades until the guard rail gets replaced. All in all, a very efficient clean up and safe-up.

After the scene was finally safe again (or as safe as it was before the accident except for the missing guard rail), I realized I missed an afternoon meeting so I visited a few more parks. Local neighborhood unmanned parks that were all on the way back to the office. Then I headed back to the office for some paperwork and to transfer photos from my phones to the desktop. The County phone was glitching and I had to call 311 and the tech even came up to my office to try to fix it but for today, no fix. So my report waits and tomorrow I will troubleshoot with tech support once again. The photos are on the phone, they just won't show up on the desktop.

Left work and stopped for a quick dinner - leftover pizza, eggplant Parmesan, a yogurt, and some protein drink. I watched a little TV and did some writing before I cleaned up and headed to softball. What a wasted trip. Three of our batters got up, three outs, I and nine other payers didn't even touch a bat tonight. Game over 21-0 in one and a half innings. Well over a dozen errors. The six outs we were able to get included a pop up to me, a ground ball to me, and four fly balls to the outfield. It's free, the coach is paying, but I'd like to at least have reality set in because he thinks he and the team he put together is a lot better than they are. Our record is 0-6 and I doubt we'll win a game, but at least I'd like to get one at bat. Oh well, free. Except for the 30 minute drive each way.

After the less than ten minute game I stopped upstairs to say hello to scorekeepers and others and I reminded the the field director and assistant director that this team did not belong on the upper field and reminded them I had told them this before the start of the season. They said give it a shot. We now have an 0-6 record with every game but one a run-ruled game so the outcome proved my point. They said they will move us down next season. I told them that I don't know if we'll be back next season and the $440 the county would have definitely received if we were assigned to the right field may go somewhere else.

As a customer-ballplayer, I explained that this is not what we paid for, not fun, and players are not showing up anymore. As a manager-Level county employee and safety officer, I explained that losing teams by not retaining them due to poor division assignments and poor scheduling loses revenue for the field and the county and that is the bottom line of their evaluation by their bosses. I further explained that imbalanced division assignments are dangerous to players and puts the county at risk if a player is injured in spite of the liability waiver they sign.

I'll be meeting with the Parks and Recreation Division Manager later this week and I may bring this up after the meeting. It is not a simple issue nor is there an easy fix, but my job is to point out unsafe county practices and assigning a team to an upper division where players with very limited skills could get seriously hurt is an on-gong risk that needs to be addressed before someone on with very weak skills is seriously hurt and either is, knows, or gets a good lawyer.

Meanwhile, in the recesses of the brain int the head of this body, the riots continue. Good changes are bubbling up (as the past couple of entries or weeks should show if you read me). Sadness is deep, an abyss, yet accepting disappointment and broken promises and loss of trust, as challengingly painful as it is at first, is the start of facing and feeling the open wound and cleaning it up and healing.

So I drank more protein shake and ate more eggplant parm and drank a ten ounce juice bottle and all those calories before bed is stupid, but so yummy and sleep will come much easier with a sugar crash.

Shhhhh.

Narf :)

The Details

The details say it really was no miracle, what happened was just this. The same old story. Just because I am bouncing tonight, don't go thinking the pain is gone or the sadness of the loss any less. I am just tapping into the juice at my core where nothing gets me down and flying on the magic looking down at the point atop Maslow's pyramid wondering why people make it so challenging for themselves to get here.

Just stick your thumb up in the air and open your mind.

Not that thumb, silly. The one connected to your core that can touch the eternal infinity we loosely call the universal energy every physicist and most other poets, prophets, sages, gurus, spiritual leaders, and those sometimes called "touched" get a tiny glimpse of now and then. It's in there, you just have to let it out. If your reply is anything like "but I have to find it first" you are limiting your perspective.

Open your mind.

So softball was a lot of fun tonight in a competitive game we hung on to after taking a 15-5 lead. They scored 5 in the first on a whole lot of errors. We came back with 6 in the bottom of the first (with me making the last out, still slumping at the plate, alas). We continued to score in the second and third to build our lead. They started coming back in the fifth and sixth and our bats died. Final score was 17-12 (or was it 16-13) and a few great catches by a couple of our outfielder was the difference maker. Luckily, I was able to get the other team to hit upward and the speed in our outfield caught several balls on dead runs near the fence. Fun.

The best part is I ran out to coach third for the first three innings and whether anyone else wants to admit it or not, that is a big reason we scored 15 runs in those innings. I stopped the runnings when I had to (usually we blow runs and big innings by trying to score when staying at third would keep an inning going). Every runner I advanced was safe, even the close calls. I love coaching third base almost as much as I love pitching.

Another factor in this bouncy mood is I did not bloat myself today. Lunch was 8 ounces of yogurt. Dinner was a slice (one) of pizza and another yogurt and about 8 ounces of a protein drink. The belly remains big and I am a little hungry, but I am going to try to go to bed soon without eating anything and hope I can fall asleep. That does not happen much, but I am gonna reach for the awareness at my core and see if the procrastinating apathetic self-pathetic fool will let me get back to where I once belonged.

Or at least a little closer.

If only someone was here to acknowledge, to cheer, to adore, to idolize, to fall deeply, madly, unconditionally in love with me. I'd happily accept just the acknowledgment (cuz the core energy knows, alone is the state of life for human beings and almost every living being... except when we share the illusion of sharing and oh, does anyone remember the power of one?... two?... doo ya doo ya doo whatcha do?).

Hunger is starting to get loud in my ears. Dod I take my BP meds tonight? I don't remember. That means I am either going to skip them or I am going to risk doubling up and when I am already at the max safe dose, that is even worse for the kidnets and liver and other parts of the body than just being on the max dose. I wonder if the anal rash is a side effect.

Well, you didn't expect all that now, did you?

LOLOL, loudly, LAM and all the fun of the fair. At least. Remember when I used to write stuff just to see if anyone was reading or paying attention? What? You don't remember? Guess you had to be there. You are here now, aren't you? Just nod your head if you aren't sure, you are. Maybe I'll drink the last of the protein drink.

Dang one track mind that is a direct link to the sensory pleasure of the taste buds and the warped comfort of a bloated belly. It just has to stop, I mean, that sort of think can get someone killed.

There is food everywhere in this bedroom. Canned food. Snack food. Pasta. Living here is not good for my health in so very many ways. It is still my choices, however. Turning off will power is a suicidal choice and since most people many many suicidal choices throughout their life (every day, even), I fit right in. Human, me, whoda thunk it.

Exercise would be wise right now.

Showering is not gonna happen tonight though and I don't want to go to bed sweaty. I already ran the water for two mini-showers today and Eb's grumbling about the water bill because apparently usage and coast per gallon went up considerably. Homes are still flooded from the Hurricane that passed two months ago and we are charged for the basic essential survival commodity, water. Humanity sucks in so very many ways.

I must (for my health which becomes a need now) stop for water, paper towels, laundry soap, laundry disinfectant, bleach, disinfectant spray, anti-bacterial dish soap, antibacterial body soap, canned chicken, fat free mayo, fat free turkey, more protein drinks, more yogurt, light vegetable spread, ketchup, some cheeses, some dark chocolate, oatmeal, no salt canned veggies, a pasta cooking pot, cheap sheets and pillow cases, a remote mouse, laxative tablets, a refill on the BP meds, a refill on the nystatin, anti-bacterial ointment and powder of assorted varieties, baby powder, barbecue seasoning, and more but I am tired of this list. I also must find a doctor, find a hair-cutter, find a new bat, and find a ruler to measure my foot length because I desperately need new cleats.

I hope I remember what I left out before I die.

If you are not laughing, you really need to get your irreverence and sarcasm organs checked out. Both are needed to understand me. Unless you enjoy being confused and/or jumping to the wrong conclusion (assumptions make fools of geniuses), in which case carry on enjoying yourself.

CARRY ON
IGNORANT
~<>~
BLISS AHEAD

Once there was a way... to get back homeward. I wish I was... homeward bound. OMG, The Sundays knew all along, and who finds religious connections in that miracle? Or was it coincidence? That would be telling.

And a butterfly in the wind is drifting like I do
It's dumb - I know what I want to say
But I can't even take one breath
So now still burning silently away
A storm without the thunder
And that's not even the killer line... listenng to their dreams all night and waking up alone. When was the last time you thought of me and looked at the phone? You know you would if you were on your own. Is that usery? Confusery? Maybe now you (might {maybe} can) understand... my monotone.

I think I'll fall asleep now.

Narf :)

Just Another Passing Entry

That was, this is. And so it goes.

The previous entry is a milestone in this life and as many milestones have come and gone, it goes unnoticed and unknown to anyone except me and anyone who might read this or that entry. Sadly, not one in my real-world offline life does as far as I know. Sadly, I a not even sure anyone out there in cyberspace is reading these days. Maybe I lost everyone when I left (e)thereal after poring almost seven thousand entries into that written garden. Could be I lost readers long before that as I was babbling on the web for more than a decade before (e)thereal even started. I think figured out why I miss (e)thereal so much. I still made the dream of readers real there. Here, in case it matters represents the doubt that any of my writing matters to anyone. I come to this thought as I let go of feeling connected to humanity and float off into my own mind with less understanding than ever of human beings. Still hanging on to a thread of hope I will find someone who can understand me... someday.

I will likely wander back to the last time I felt completely disconnected from humanity. I think some major shift/change occured duing April, 2008. It may have coincided, correlated, or was even caused by a decision to move out of an apartment I shared with Rasputin and Precious and into my own place after six or more years of living with them. 2008 was a very busy fun year. A sense of freedom, independence, and adventure also coincided with an expansion of offline social life through meetup dot com and, some time that summer, a promotion into my current career path. Major changes. Maybe even Deep Thoughts (or some someone said). On the Jackson timeline, I knew her for a few years at work and several times a year at parties at her and her former roommate's place, but it would be at least another year before we moved in together. This timeline is estimated.

I have several ways to run a timeline through this life and the names of the people closest to me over the years is one of them. There are two lines, the real world physical person and the real world lust from afar and I shall combine them here. There is also some overlap as each person has their own line intersecting with mine, but the closest person has a mark along the way. The line goes through... testing memory, are we?... Nursery Girl (the one name I do not remember), Grandma, Audie & his sisters, Larry & his sisters, Keith, April, Mitch, Wendy, Jeannie, Sonnet, Melanie, Michelle, Turk & his sisters, Shari, Marcia, Turk & the gang, Mindy, Sue, Geri, Tom, Lois, Ray, Steve, Barb, Bonnie, Heidi, Amy, Shari & the gang, Bobbie, Lori, Marcia & friends, Cathy, ..., Sandy, the Pen Pals, PJ, Dawn, Peaceful Chaos, ..., ..., ..., Rasputin, Precious, Serenity, J, Z, the blog family, Jackson... and here we are. The ellipses represent periods where people's names must be researched to be remembered.

Diving into memories, that is part of why these blogs are here. Looking for the first mention of Jackson, it was more than ten years ago. Looking for when we moved in together, it was more than seven years ago. Reading all the fun times we had in the last ten plus years... cathartic and perhaps some closure. Perhaps a whole lot more closure than I am realizing. The challenge for me is the nurturer becomes obsessively concerned with how sensitive someone might be and wants to reassure the sensitive person that I still care and I am still here because family is forever no matter what they do. That leads me to reaching out to them which allows the superficiality to continue with my full participation, even with my initiation. That leads to more disappointment as hope that the family feeling would be reciprocated meets with the fact that it is not. The fact is that so many people seem to be able to stop caring leaving us to wonder if they ever really did. They make the world a very sad and lonely place.

Not me :)


So I shall retreat into my memories where I find solace and peace and wonderfulness painted all over the skies in my mind. The infinite skies where anything is possible and everything can change in a moment. Like people will realize caring is what you do, not what you say.

Maybe someday I'll hear the truth.

Until then, I'll be here.

Dreaming.

Hoping.

Family.

Narf :)

Letting Go

Ok, so it is one of those entries. A farewell. An acceptance of reality. In human terms, a goodbye. Though I never close my door, especially not to family, I let go of the hope for what was promised and coninute my life alone with the hope someone will come along and actualize the words they say. There is some lament, but as the brief blog said...

I was so much more hopeful once. Even as recently as then, before and after this and all that falls between, there was so much hope. I believe more back then too. I need to get back to that, which, unfortunately means giving up on the present disappointments and looking ahead to what may still be cuz there's always hope, right? Letting go of believing in someone and accepting the trust was misplaced is always the hardest part. In case it matters. Well, there's always hope (I hope), so there is because I hope. I am not too far off. I think. Still. I know I still want to believe.

Yeah, I am still pretty incorrigible on that point.

Narf :)

I just noticed that I forgot to set my fantasy football team and I have three players on bye week and three of my best players on my bench because they were on bye last week. Jackson and I used to remind each other about our fantasy teams and I've been sending her messages every week about hers, but nothing back. She obviously does not want me in her life anymore and I'm starting to accept that. I seldom get a text anymore unless it's a response to mine and then I get an image or emoji, no substance, no meaning... is that really caring?

How do you care about someone when you have no idea what is going on in their life or who they are becoming?

I caught up with friends I met through her last night at an old friend's birthday party and they have only seen her twice in the past couple of years. That's the way she is, I suppose, cutting people loose and leaving them behind. Why did I believe her when she said she'd never do that with me because I was too important to her? And she knew my history of abandonment from birth and how vulnerable I am to trust as years go by. I fell for her frequent use of BFF to describe me in conversation and to others, even on Facebook. As if Facebook is real life. Just like everyone else who was a best friend once... she's gone. Caring ends. People just can't be trusted.

My caring never ends though, in spite of how much it hurts to trust and believe in someone only to find the same old story. Abandonment, betrayal, and simply - gone.

Something as simple as staying in touch about sports. The local team, UCF, her alma mater and I bought season's tickets for both of us a season or few, is undefeated this year having their best year ever so far. Something we'd ordinarily share a a simple "Yay" text when we were friends, but nothing.

The baseball team I treated her to seeing in Atlanta because she wants to visit every stadium once and Atlanta's stadium was closing down and the Cubs are her favorite and they were having a great year... not a world as they almost made the world series again this year. Not much last year while I watched by myself at a sports bar. I haven't had TV in a while.

The fantasy football league we joined together to have some fun sharing football, nothing. Everything we used to have mutual interests in, nothing. I think forgetting to set my team this week and her not even noticing was the simple rather meaningless - but ever so meaningful tipping point.

Obviously I still don't want to give up on her but I must face all this nothing and accept it so I can feel the pain and find the hope to move on and continue the search for a friend who will be a close best friends who will not simply go away and stop communicating.

I have a blog called "Too Much Candor" and it is locked, private, only me and she can read it. At least she was invited. This entry might have been put there last month. Protecting the innocent, respecting the privacy, putting someone else ahead of me. The story of my life, online and off.

So the fact that this is in my public Dirt, Drama, and Details may be a good sign because it becomes much more accepted reality here. Kind of like coming out of the closet for gays. It's here, public, out in the open, real.

I must force myself to put myself first for a change - literally, for a change.

The promises made have been broken. The assurances turned into lies. Painful to say it, not less write it, but truth is truth. Not my choice. I accept what is as it is.

I have several adopted children and I love them dearly. I love Jackson as unconditionally as any of them. I hope she does not need something and chooses not to reach out to me because she is ashamed or feels guilt about her promises because not reaching out would just make her promises to be family all the more broken and hurtful. I will be here and share a smile and positivity if she reaches out. I simply must stop thinking of her as a friend, no less a best friend. Her choices tell me that she doesn't really want that. She is another child I adopted along the way and now, one more distance member of my family. I'll do anything I can do for family if needed. It is just time to stop pretending she will live up to her words. I still hope she will grow and overcome the anxiety of guilt and shame and do the right thing and reach out if she needs family and not be one of the people disappears into the past as if we never cred at all.

Maybe my letting go will actually help her be an actual friend, no less family.

There's always hope.

Narf.

Clarity Can Suck Sometimes

I am laughing at the title, not only because memories of Harry Chapin give me a wonderfully double edge meaning for the word sucks that always brings a smile, also because it brings a lot of laughter to my mind when I find myself using the word (much laughter this time), which is so seldom understood by people who do not know Harry's use of the word (or me) so if you think I am bananas, well, I am and not necessarily just in the way you might be thinking either. You really miss so much not being inside my head, but that just makes me appreciate you for being here and returning to read my babbles, especially the few of you who've been wandering my written gardens for many years. If life was fair I'd win the big lottery and send you each a few million dollars to enhance your life experience and then buy a big house where we all could live, at least from time to time, visiting our dreams and each other. Life is not fair though, so we plod on our respective courses and struggle through the muck of depression that is so dominating in this world for anyone who is not completely delusional.

Grinning so naturally now, and for the few of us who are enlightened, it is all so very amusing, even the sadness and suckage. Especially the suckage. lolol :)

Still, the previous entry linked right here may be so much more fun than this one so far, I just had to link it right there to encourage you to click and explore more than this entry since prior to that some depressive thoughts have been floating around around me and I've been letting my anima (and body) be way too still for my own good and most of all, not taking care of myself in many ways including not getting more than four or five hours sleep a night for many weeks, at least, I've lost track. last night was different and I am more awake than I've been in a long long time, remembering (ethereally) the hope of being awake and being me and reaching out to find someone to relate to in this cruel and crazy world of humanity.

Accepting what is as it is, including Jackson's obvious decision to shut me out of her life and show no interest in mine, maybe finally moving on and letting go of any hope of her living up to her promises to not be like everyone else I've adopted along the way. That is sad and almost makes me want to give up on trusting people since she reinforces every other experience with trying to create family among the delusional dependencies and beliefs and biological ties that everyone I've ever met are too immersed in to see any other ways. All through this life I've tried to bond and every time it turned into a one way financial dependency and an imbalanced emotional dependency and a limited and practically non-existent mental bond. Jackson said she would never be like that, but she is more like that than any of the people I've adopted along the way. Perhaps that is why I adopted her, the immaturity and fragility that needed me so much. I didn't seek her out though, the universe put me in her office and we bonded naturally because we had so many similar interests, some very similar deep rooted personality traits, and a financial need to share space.

Sad yes, I had so much hope for her to be true to her word and mature enough to be a true friend, if not an equal friend... but life is very sad and much sadder in many other ways (abuse and cruelty are everywhere, after all... did I mention five shootings in five days this week in this small town I live in and I am in the ghetto part of the town?... it's in the news, look up Sanford, Florida if you are curious or care). So another disappointment in Jackson and another disappointment in Eb (oh, shall we explore there next?) and life goes on.

Eb is in his usual spot, sitting in his underwear hunched over his computer playing an ancient video game. He made a rare phone call to make plans for tonight and it ended with "See if your mom will let me crash on the couch" and I was a bit stunned to realize we live like children, not bachelors or even teenagers, but children and depressed children at that. He is close to 40 years old. At least he owns this house, a ghetto dump with a mortgage under $300 a month, but his. He rides a scooter. From one perspective, economically and ecologically wise decisions. In the package he presents as a person though, it is becoming more and more evident that his is so very un-evolved, immature, and unaware of basic health, safety, and cleanliness. He appears surprised that I shower at least daily and do a wash at least once a week, noting the water bill has gone up. He has started peeing on the toilet seat much more frequently lately. His dirty clothes continue to fall wherever he takes them off and that is anywhere in the house, with some dirty underwear and other items still in the same spot since I moved in here in March. The kitchen is filthier than ever and I am shocked we are not infested with all sorts of bugs and vermin.

Yet here I am, still. The convenience of location is such a profoundly major draw that it overrides the living like a refugee child. I was actually in cleaner situations while living in my car or in a park. The lack of opportunity, that is, no viable roommate options on the roommate websites I check regularly, remains a key factor in my remaining here, as does cost, but this is truly an unhealthy environment on so many levels. Mentally, though, it is almost like living alone on the street as he, except for his filth, is non-intrusive into my room or life, which is a dual edge sword that is much more positive than negative for me. He seems genuinely like such a nice guy with a small town quality and hopeful vision and desire to help people and make a positive difference in this world, I think. Maybe he'l be President someday.

My hope is that he and you and anyone with an heart not jaded by reality (and clarity) is laughing right now.

Meanwhile, this body and mind finally feels like it almost got enough sleep to actually function beyond functional and maybe I'll make some magic happen as the day and evening and night progresses. Maybe the wisdom of not going to the Thanksgiving softball tournament in Ft. Lauderdale, saving that money, and staying at Helen's place for a few days because she is going out of town and needs a cat and house sitter will become clearer as I think about it. Already has. Might even find some other fun being back in the city near downtown and other friends. Yes, that would be the wise move no matter how addicted to softball I am. Not I did not even say may be lol. Softball is not as much fun as it has been on a few levels, but it's more fun on most levels so the changes I made this year are leaning heavily on the positive side. Now if we could only get back to winning more often... lol :)

Are you out there?

That is the questions that shoots up my spine (or some sort of suddenness) whenever loneliness pops up like a silly jack-in-the-box to almost surprise me as it reminds me that yes, I am still lonely. Still craving some depth in my sharing, some meaningful conversation, some wonder and excitement, some imagination, and some tenderness and kindness being "have a nice day". Heck, I rarely even get "How Are you? with any more meaning that a passing "hello". My depths always scare people away because, for one reason, they are not rooted in the same delusional thinking that the majority of this world accepts as truth and fact. People just don't seem to want to get close to an open mind.

You?

I seek communication
and clarity
can you be yourself and share
yourself with me?
are you hiding behind rules
of what's supposed to be?
or can you come out to play
honestly?

tell me god or politics if it matters to you
tell me work or family if you've got that too
tell me all the things you'd really like to do
and then dig deeper into who you really are
don't waste our time if you won't go that far

what have you done, really, that represents you
what do you own, if anything, that you call true
what can you feel, honestly, what is new?
in the depths of your heart or mind or soul
when you let go of your false control

touch the universe out there with your mind
share everything that you dare to find
leave the rules of this world behind
and then dig deeper into who you really are
show me that part of you that is a star

I seek communication
and clarity
can you be yourself and share
yourself with me?
are you hiding behind rules
of what's supposed to be?
or can you come out to play
honestly?
openly?
completely?
(totally,
infinitely)

I seek communiction
and clarity
can you be yourself and share
yourself with me?
are you hiding behind rules
of what's supposed to be?
or can you come out to play
with me?

There is more writing to be done, more words bubbling up in my head, clarity or not, but the clock on the way says it is time to get the laundry into the dryer and shower and get ready for softball. So until I return, I hope you have as much fun as I do, no matter where you are.

Narf :)