The previous entry is a milestone in this life and as many milestones have come and gone, it goes unnoticed and unknown to anyone except me and anyone who might read this or that entry. Sadly, not one in my real-world offline life does as far as I know. Sadly, I a not even sure anyone out there in cyberspace is reading these days. Maybe I lost everyone when I left (e)thereal after poring almost seven thousand entries into that written garden. Could be I lost readers long before that as I was babbling on the web for more than a decade before (e)thereal even started. I think figured out why I miss (e)thereal so much. I still made the dream of readers real there. Here, in case it matters represents the doubt that any of my writing matters to anyone. I come to this thought as I let go of feeling connected to humanity and float off into my own mind with less understanding than ever of human beings. Still hanging on to a thread of hope I will find someone who can understand me... someday.
I will likely wander back to the last time I felt completely disconnected from humanity. I think some major shift/change occured duing April, 2008. It may have coincided, correlated, or was even caused by a decision to move out of an apartment I shared with Rasputin and Precious and into my own place after six or more years of living with them. 2008 was a very busy fun year. A sense of freedom, independence, and adventure also coincided with an expansion of offline social life through meetup dot com and, some time that summer, a promotion into my current career path. Major changes. Maybe even Deep Thoughts (or some someone said). On the Jackson timeline, I knew her for a few years at work and several times a year at parties at her and her former roommate's place, but it would be at least another year before we moved in together. This timeline is estimated.
I have several ways to run a timeline through this life and the names of the people closest to me over the years is one of them. There are two lines, the real world physical person and the real world lust from afar and I shall combine them here. There is also some overlap as each person has their own line intersecting with mine, but the closest person has a mark along the way. The line goes through... testing memory, are we?... Nursery Girl (the one name I do not remember), Grandma, Audie & his sisters, Larry & his sisters, Keith, April, Mitch, Wendy, Jeannie, Sonnet, Melanie, Michelle, Turk & his sisters, Shari, Marcia, Turk & the gang, Mindy, Sue, Geri, Tom, Lois, Ray, Steve, Barb, Bonnie, Heidi, Amy, Shari & the gang, Bobbie, Lori, Marcia & friends, Cathy, ..., Sandy, the Pen Pals, PJ, Dawn, Peaceful Chaos, ..., ..., ..., Rasputin, Precious, Serenity, J, Z, the blog family, Jackson... and here we are. The ellipses represent periods where people's names must be researched to be remembered.
Diving into memories, that is part of why these blogs are here. Looking for the first mention of Jackson, it was more than ten years ago. Looking for when we moved in together, it was more than seven years ago. Reading all the fun times we had in the last ten plus years... cathartic and perhaps some closure. Perhaps a whole lot more closure than I am realizing. The challenge for me is the nurturer becomes obsessively concerned with how sensitive someone might be and wants to reassure the sensitive person that I still care and I am still here because family is forever no matter what they do. That leads me to reaching out to them which allows the superficiality to continue with my full participation, even with my initiation. That leads to more disappointment as hope that the family feeling would be reciprocated meets with the fact that it is not. The fact is that so many people seem to be able to stop caring leaving us to wonder if they ever really did. They make the world a very sad and lonely place.
Not me :)
So I shall retreat into my memories where I find solace and peace and wonderfulness painted all over the skies in my mind. The infinite skies where anything is possible and everything can change in a moment. Like people will realize caring is what you do, not what you say.
Maybe someday I'll hear the truth.
Until then, I'll be here.
Dreaming.
Hoping.
Family.
Narf :)
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