Grinning so naturally now, and for the few of us who are enlightened, it is all so very amusing, even the sadness and suckage. Especially the suckage. lolol :)
Still, the previous entry linked right here may be so much more fun than this one so far, I just had to link it right there to encourage you to click and explore more than this entry since prior to that some depressive thoughts have been floating around around me and I've been letting my anima (and body) be way too still for my own good and most of all, not taking care of myself in many ways including not getting more than four or five hours sleep a night for many weeks, at least, I've lost track. last night was different and I am more awake than I've been in a long long time, remembering (ethereally) the hope of being awake and being me and reaching out to find someone to relate to in this cruel and crazy world of humanity.
Accepting what is as it is, including Jackson's obvious decision to shut me out of her life and show no interest in mine, maybe finally moving on and letting go of any hope of her living up to her promises to not be like everyone else I've adopted along the way. That is sad and almost makes me want to give up on trusting people since she reinforces every other experience with trying to create family among the delusional dependencies and beliefs and biological ties that everyone I've ever met are too immersed in to see any other ways. All through this life I've tried to bond and every time it turned into a one way financial dependency and an imbalanced emotional dependency and a limited and practically non-existent mental bond. Jackson said she would never be like that, but she is more like that than any of the people I've adopted along the way. Perhaps that is why I adopted her, the immaturity and fragility that needed me so much. I didn't seek her out though, the universe put me in her office and we bonded naturally because we had so many similar interests, some very similar deep rooted personality traits, and a financial need to share space.
Sad yes, I had so much hope for her to be true to her word and mature enough to be a true friend, if not an equal friend... but life is very sad and much sadder in many other ways (abuse and cruelty are everywhere, after all... did I mention five shootings in five days this week in this small town I live in and I am in the ghetto part of the town?... it's in the news, look up Sanford, Florida if you are curious or care). So another disappointment in Jackson and another disappointment in Eb (oh, shall we explore there next?) and life goes on.
Eb is in his usual spot, sitting in his underwear hunched over his computer playing an ancient video game. He made a rare phone call to make plans for tonight and it ended with "See if your mom will let me crash on the couch" and I was a bit stunned to realize we live like children, not bachelors or even teenagers, but children and depressed children at that. He is close to 40 years old. At least he owns this house, a ghetto dump with a mortgage under $300 a month, but his. He rides a scooter. From one perspective, economically and ecologically wise decisions. In the package he presents as a person though, it is becoming more and more evident that his is so very un-evolved, immature, and unaware of basic health, safety, and cleanliness. He appears surprised that I shower at least daily and do a wash at least once a week, noting the water bill has gone up. He has started peeing on the toilet seat much more frequently lately. His dirty clothes continue to fall wherever he takes them off and that is anywhere in the house, with some dirty underwear and other items still in the same spot since I moved in here in March. The kitchen is filthier than ever and I am shocked we are not infested with all sorts of bugs and vermin.
Yet here I am, still. The convenience of location is such a profoundly major draw that it overrides the living like a refugee child. I was actually in cleaner situations while living in my car or in a park. The lack of opportunity, that is, no viable roommate options on the roommate websites I check regularly, remains a key factor in my remaining here, as does cost, but this is truly an unhealthy environment on so many levels. Mentally, though, it is almost like living alone on the street as he, except for his filth, is non-intrusive into my room or life, which is a dual edge sword that is much more positive than negative for me. He seems genuinely like such a nice guy with a small town quality and hopeful vision and desire to help people and make a positive difference in this world, I think. Maybe he'l be President someday.
My hope is that he and you and anyone with an heart not jaded by reality (and clarity) is laughing right now.
Meanwhile, this body and mind finally feels like it almost got enough sleep to actually function beyond functional and maybe I'll make some magic happen as the day and evening and night progresses. Maybe the wisdom of not going to the Thanksgiving softball tournament in Ft. Lauderdale, saving that money, and staying at Helen's place for a few days because she is going out of town and needs a cat and house sitter will become clearer as I think about it. Already has. Might even find some other fun being back in the city near downtown and other friends. Yes, that would be the wise move no matter how addicted to softball I am. Not I did not even say may be lol. Softball is not as much fun as it has been on a few levels, but it's more fun on most levels so the changes I made this year are leaning heavily on the positive side. Now if we could only get back to winning more often... lol :)
Are you out there?
That is the questions that shoots up my spine (or some sort of suddenness) whenever loneliness pops up like a silly jack-in-the-box to almost surprise me as it reminds me that yes, I am still lonely. Still craving some depth in my sharing, some meaningful conversation, some wonder and excitement, some imagination, and some tenderness and kindness being "have a nice day". Heck, I rarely even get "How Are you? with any more meaning that a passing "hello". My depths always scare people away because, for one reason, they are not rooted in the same delusional thinking that the majority of this world accepts as truth and fact. People just don't seem to want to get close to an open mind.
You?
and clarity
can you be yourself and share
yourself with me?
are you hiding behind rules
of what's supposed to be?
or can you come out to play
honestly?
tell me god or politics if it matters to you
tell me work or family if you've got that too
tell me all the things you'd really like to do
and then dig deeper into who you really are
don't waste our time if you won't go that far
what have you done, really, that represents you
what do you own, if anything, that you call true
what can you feel, honestly, what is new?
in the depths of your heart or mind or soul
when you let go of your false control
touch the universe out there with your mind
share everything that you dare to find
leave the rules of this world behind
and then dig deeper into who you really are
show me that part of you that is a star
I seek communication
and clarity
can you be yourself and share
yourself with me?
are you hiding behind rules
of what's supposed to be?
or can you come out to play
honestly?
openly?
completely?
(totally,
infinitely)
I seek communiction
and clarity
can you be yourself and share
yourself with me?
are you hiding behind rules
of what's supposed to be?
or can you come out to play
with me?
There is more writing to be done, more words bubbling up in my head, clarity or not, but the clock on the way says it is time to get the laundry into the dryer and shower and get ready for softball. So until I return, I hope you have as much fun as I do, no matter where you are.
Narf :)
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