Letting Go

Ok, so it is one of those entries. A farewell. An acceptance of reality. In human terms, a goodbye. Though I never close my door, especially not to family, I let go of the hope for what was promised and coninute my life alone with the hope someone will come along and actualize the words they say. There is some lament, but as the brief blog said...

I was so much more hopeful once. Even as recently as then, before and after this and all that falls between, there was so much hope. I believe more back then too. I need to get back to that, which, unfortunately means giving up on the present disappointments and looking ahead to what may still be cuz there's always hope, right? Letting go of believing in someone and accepting the trust was misplaced is always the hardest part. In case it matters. Well, there's always hope (I hope), so there is because I hope. I am not too far off. I think. Still. I know I still want to believe.

Yeah, I am still pretty incorrigible on that point.

Narf :)

I just noticed that I forgot to set my fantasy football team and I have three players on bye week and three of my best players on my bench because they were on bye last week. Jackson and I used to remind each other about our fantasy teams and I've been sending her messages every week about hers, but nothing back. She obviously does not want me in her life anymore and I'm starting to accept that. I seldom get a text anymore unless it's a response to mine and then I get an image or emoji, no substance, no meaning... is that really caring?

How do you care about someone when you have no idea what is going on in their life or who they are becoming?

I caught up with friends I met through her last night at an old friend's birthday party and they have only seen her twice in the past couple of years. That's the way she is, I suppose, cutting people loose and leaving them behind. Why did I believe her when she said she'd never do that with me because I was too important to her? And she knew my history of abandonment from birth and how vulnerable I am to trust as years go by. I fell for her frequent use of BFF to describe me in conversation and to others, even on Facebook. As if Facebook is real life. Just like everyone else who was a best friend once... she's gone. Caring ends. People just can't be trusted.

My caring never ends though, in spite of how much it hurts to trust and believe in someone only to find the same old story. Abandonment, betrayal, and simply - gone.

Something as simple as staying in touch about sports. The local team, UCF, her alma mater and I bought season's tickets for both of us a season or few, is undefeated this year having their best year ever so far. Something we'd ordinarily share a a simple "Yay" text when we were friends, but nothing.

The baseball team I treated her to seeing in Atlanta because she wants to visit every stadium once and Atlanta's stadium was closing down and the Cubs are her favorite and they were having a great year... not a world as they almost made the world series again this year. Not much last year while I watched by myself at a sports bar. I haven't had TV in a while.

The fantasy football league we joined together to have some fun sharing football, nothing. Everything we used to have mutual interests in, nothing. I think forgetting to set my team this week and her not even noticing was the simple rather meaningless - but ever so meaningful tipping point.

Obviously I still don't want to give up on her but I must face all this nothing and accept it so I can feel the pain and find the hope to move on and continue the search for a friend who will be a close best friends who will not simply go away and stop communicating.

I have a blog called "Too Much Candor" and it is locked, private, only me and she can read it. At least she was invited. This entry might have been put there last month. Protecting the innocent, respecting the privacy, putting someone else ahead of me. The story of my life, online and off.

So the fact that this is in my public Dirt, Drama, and Details may be a good sign because it becomes much more accepted reality here. Kind of like coming out of the closet for gays. It's here, public, out in the open, real.

I must force myself to put myself first for a change - literally, for a change.

The promises made have been broken. The assurances turned into lies. Painful to say it, not less write it, but truth is truth. Not my choice. I accept what is as it is.

I have several adopted children and I love them dearly. I love Jackson as unconditionally as any of them. I hope she does not need something and chooses not to reach out to me because she is ashamed or feels guilt about her promises because not reaching out would just make her promises to be family all the more broken and hurtful. I will be here and share a smile and positivity if she reaches out. I simply must stop thinking of her as a friend, no less a best friend. Her choices tell me that she doesn't really want that. She is another child I adopted along the way and now, one more distance member of my family. I'll do anything I can do for family if needed. It is just time to stop pretending she will live up to her words. I still hope she will grow and overcome the anxiety of guilt and shame and do the right thing and reach out if she needs family and not be one of the people disappears into the past as if we never cred at all.

Maybe my letting go will actually help her be an actual friend, no less family.

There's always hope.

Narf.