Lonely Softball

Once I had a best friend she said BFF and the second F meant forever.
for ever
she was always there for me and I was always there for her whenever
when ever
now I find myself alone in someone else's house, alone, what happened?
what happened?
first the second F fell off, then the B followed the F,
now I'm not sure if there is a letter left

and I remember when I play softball
the game I love so much it hurts
I am so addicted to softball
I don't even wash off the dirt
but when I am not playing softball
when I walk off the field and go home
I miss my BFF the most
cuz you can't play softball alone

lonely softball
maybe I drove her away
lonely softball
she was not on my side anyway
lonely softball
maybe she was never really my BFF
lonely softball
I'm the only one left

what ever

Meanwhile, in the less slightly less depressed part of my brain. Softball tournaments are a lot of fun. Mostly. Though my team now does not win much (no wins in the regular season, but one win in each two tournaments we've played in so far), but the pressure of winning and the drama at the top is not missed at all. As I did with my current job, I've gone into the retirement stage of softball as well. It pays even less than the job. But seriously, the fun matters most. The road trip was fun too. I got to know a lot more about Elton's relationship from start through now and a lot more about Elton too. Happy we rode together and just the two of us so he could share as he did. So serious body challenges, the worst umps ever, and alone again naturally now... but shared meals, shared fun, and shared getting closer with good people - definitely worth the time, money, and effort.

Still no partner, I mean, in case you didn't notice the constant lamenting and moaning and whining and silent desperation (not that I was looking but any social interaction has that possibility), but more fun than most weekends and most weekends are fun.

This entry was scheduled to be so much more, but the babbler is moping on low energy fuel or something like that.

Odd awkward pauses must be next.

Narf :)

Did Anybody Notice?

Wow, so did anybody notice I was gone? Did it matter? If I stopped reaching out to people, would anybody care? I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice I was gone. No less reach out to me. Jackson is the emoji princess. or maybe she's the queen. I wonder how many emoji's I'd have to ignore for her to call. I don't ignore. I'm just not like that. I know how much being ignored hurt. I supposed that may be how people who only reach out to me on Facebook feel and I don't ignore them on purpose, I just don't like going on Facebook regularly. I do it in marathon sessions now and then. Impulsively. Like right now because I brought it up.

So I disappeared from here and sort of appeared on Facebook, wandering around following links in notifications and pages and so on and I'm left with the same fuzzy feeling I feel most of the time I spend an hour on Facebook. I want my hour back.

Yeah, so did anybody notice all the time I was away? Did anybody notice I had so much more to say I mean did anybody notice I was just right here and gone of well I wonder... Did anybody notice? how I didn't (did not did not) carry on. I say, Sigh in an old fashioned way, I say... Would you? Could you? understand? Oh, Would you? Could You? Hold my hand?

The potential roommate ran away, that is, she moved back home to her family far away, guess she reached the end of her rope and I did not want to rush to find a place and adopt her. So burnt on trying to buy love and family, and broke. If I stay broke, I may stay alone, but I will stop the cycle of betrayal and abandonment and singing take another little piece of my heart now, baby... broken hearts, alas, are too easy to ignore today in this world where we've forgotten what we are living for...

I am tired... I am thirsty... I am hungry... I am lonely... oooooo,
oooooo, oooooooo, oooooooo,
I am tired... I am thirsty... I am hungry... I am lonely... oooooo,
oooooo, oooooooo, oooooooo,

I just want to purr
I just want to moan
I just want to cry
it hurts to be too much alone
oooooooooooooo,
I just want to sleep
I'm in this too deep
promises are meant to keep
seems on that I'm on my own
oooohhhhhhhhh
I just want to sigh
I just want to laugh
I just want to die
it hurts to be too much alone
oooooooooooooo,
Can I just say oooooooo
can I just say oooohhhh
can I just say oooowwwwww
just get lost in monotone

ooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
hello can you hear me now
ooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I would stop if I knew how

but I just want to scream
from the twilight zone
it must be a dream
it hurts to be this alone

I just want to sleep
I'm in this too deep
promises are meant to keep
seems on that I'm on my own
oooohhhhhhhhh
I just want to sigh
I just want to laugh
I just want to die
it hurts to be too much alone
oooooooooooooo,
I just want to purr
I just want to moan
I just want to cry
it hurts to be too much alone
oooooooooooooo,
Can I just say oooooooo
can I just say oooohhhh
can I just say oooowwwwww
just get lost in monotone

ooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
hello can you hear me now
ooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I would stop if I knew how

I am tired... I am thirsty... I am hungry... I am lonely... oooooo,
oooooo, oooooooo, oooooooo,
I am tired... I am thirsty... I am hungry... I am lonely... oooooo,
oooooo, oooooooo, oooooooo,

Some nights ache more than others.

a song from my heart to this world (in case you failed to notice)



in case it matters...

So Then I Looked Up

One of th biggest ways the internet has changed our lives is it has made many, if not most of us know-it-alls. Even for those who do not have arrogant control-freakish personalities, it is so easy to search for information that those who are afraid of ignorance or admitting they might not know something are quick to google answers and repeat what they read as gospel.

The trouble with that is much of what is written on the internet is written by ignorant people who obviously have no awareness of what they are talking about or how they are parroting some other ignorant fool with contradiction and just-plain-wrong information. Like a fat person working on a quasi-medical information website making a video about healthy eating.

What leads to this semi-mild rant is my recent bout with food poisoning. You may have heard I was relatively incapacitated for a couple of days after mostly enjoying one of the local Chinese buffets. Luckily it wasn't one of the top three and certainly now it's nowhere near the top ten, alas, says the foodie, it had potential. Anyway, I googled:

what is the easiest thing for the human body to digest?
The mindless repetitive crap that came up was so... well, it should have been expected and after wasting time reading and listening to some of the most contradictory nonsense I've absorbed in a long time, I changed the search to:

scientific medical evidence for what is the easiest thing for the human body to digest
I don't have time to read through, but this is what I will look at when I do have time so feel free to give me your unabashed review if you have the time and care to.

scientific medical evidence for what is the easiest thing
Of course the government and religion (does it disturb anyone that they are so inter-related these days?) had to have something to say:

for the human body to digest.
Many more words and links may follow as this research is imperative to not rushing off the softball field with shit stains this weekend, so stay tuned for more... as time permits.

Please stand by.

Narf :)

Less, Hope, Still

When I think about all I've done for people in this life, all the love I gave by being there for people, and I look at who is there for me now and how, hope for humanity wanes severely because those I've given the most of myself to over the years are gone, nowhere to be seen or heard from when I would like to need them most. This is especially true when I face loneliness and even more when I face death or illness that may lead to death sooner than I'd like. Somehow, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, I still want to believe I will be cared about the way I care. Unconditionally.

On that note, on with more details.

Ok, I should have known. The lab is closed Noon to 1PM for lunch so I shall sit in the parking lot until they reopen. I called the Nephrologist rather than heading to the emergency room and after three calls and several hours o hoping I was making the right decision, I talked to a Nurse who agreed to talk to the doctor about my request to have blood work ordered. At first she said the last blood work was fine and didn't think it was necessary, but I explained more of my history and medically why I thought it would be something the doctor would ok. She finally said she'd ask the doctor who was out of the office today. A few hours later she got back to me. Doctor said yes, so I sit at the lab place.

Right next door is a donut place and I have heard excellent things about them and I am almost hungry, but I am trying to be wise enough to stay away from food until after these lab results are taken. Hopefully they ordered them stat and they wont take long. I am just realizing that I never did get lab results back from the visit to the doctor I had earlier this month, the ones that the nurse was talking about. Must work out getting those too but I have called this office several times in the past week and I don't want to push them too much more so I'll give them until next week.

I like seeing my own results not just for my knowledge, but to have copies for any other doctors. It is pyschologically reassuring to see the precise results, knowing they fluctuate so much and most doctors don't know that unless I show it to them. This is the doctor I trust most out of the recent doctors I've seen, so I won't fault him or his practice too much for making me jump through a hoop or two to get this test ordered or the results sent to me.

I am feeling much better than I was yesterday, but still far from 100% and I am hoping that is not kidney related. It may be the kidneys started the entire episode and it may be food poisoning is responsible for most of this, but I am fairly crtain I had a brief kidney failure episode and we shall see if the test results show that. I believe I got them both working again by forcing 100 ounces of water in a few hours, but I am not absolutely sure about the right one.

So I sit outside the lab in my car typing these words into a notepad because there's no wifi here. There is that donut shop, but I don't see a free wifi sign and if I go inside to ask I might leave with donuts and that is not a good idea even though not eating for 48 hours is not a great idea either.

There is a place called Natice's Salon & Spa directly in front of me at the moment. Ironic coincidence since I want to get my hair cut. The hair is definitely not ready for that because I've not washed it in two days, but I will look up the place because maybe sitting here staring at it is soe sort of sign. Coincidences can be signs if I want them to be, ya know?

The two storefronts to the left of the salon are empty, which is never a good sign. Next to that is a vocational rehab place. Next to that is a church. Yes, a strip mall church. Surprised there are not fast-food churches with drive up windows. I'm sure the confessionals would do a booming business. On the other side of the donut shop is a pharmacy. It is the closest strip mall to a hospital, after all. Not the highest rated hospital in the area which is why I chose a different hospital when I needed one last year. That's it, it's a tiny strip mall by strip mall standards.

Well, that killed 28 minutes and the lab place should be opening in a few. I am finally feeling warmer than I've felt in two days. The temperatures dropped, but it was more due to the food poisoning symptoms and the stress on the kidneys. I am recognizing the symptoms better than ever and this lab test will hopefully show me that I caught the kidney failure before it was too late.

Great, two people just went into the lab place... another line.

Later, in case it matters.

Narf.

All These Words

the next concern

Did my kidneys shut down again?

I am mostly certain they did, at least for a few hours, more likely six or eight hours. That is based on prior experience and the feedback I am getting from this body. The symptoms are not promising. I am forcing fluids, 80 ounces of water in the past two hours. Within the past twenty minute I started packing to head to the emergency room. As I was packing, I peed. I think that was the first time in the past eight hours, maybe longer. I was distracted by the food poisoning symptoms and constant diarrhea. The body is providing yet another wake up call and I am ignoring them way too well.

Two more pair of underwear were trashed since the last report on trashed underwear. That makes three total. This is definitely not what the anus needs. I intend to call the nephrologist in a few hours if I do not decide to head to the emergency room. This is not good. In case it matters. Anybody?

Playing a softball tournament out of town this weekend is probably not the best idea. They will likely admit me if I go to the emergency room which would decide what I am doing for me, but I am trying to kick start the kidneys myself by forcing fluids. That's all they did there last time and then they watched me for two days, but I was fine once the IV fluids kick started the kidneys. I am hoping that just drinking water will do that.

I've always suspected that the kidneys would be the way I die. I just was hoping they would last another few decades. I need to keep this job so I have the health insurance and I really should go to the workshop 9-12 this morning. I really do not need another $1500 expense just now as I might have found a roommate and we are going to look at places next week and I may be moving in the next month. A life of poverty is quite challenging, but it is the life I chose.

So come on kidneys, start up right. I opened another 20 ounce water and am on my way to 100 ounces. The diarrhea was as bad as ever, which is a bad sign, but the fact that there was some flow of urine is a sign they are not shut down now. The right one feels like it still might be, which is why I will call the doctor if I decide not to head to the emergency room. I want blood tests, at the very least.

I definitely do not feel up to playing softball at the moment, though that is 48 hours away if I don't end up in the hospital today. I really wanted to go on this road trip with my new team, our first road trip. Elton (coach and yes, the same Elton who played cards with the cards people back when I lived closer to them) will be driving and I'll be staying in a room with him, which is great. It is wonderful to have real respect from a coach and I want to build on that. He is also a cool person.

I definitely do not feel like going to work in an hour, but I am playing it moment to moment at the moment. The food poisoning apparently put too much strain on the kidneys. If it was food poisoning. Maybe the antibiotics combined. If the kidneys say I can't take antibiotics anymore, that will not bode well for those few more decades I'd like to be here. Less water being sick as I was with what felt like food poisoning probably didn't help.

If I had a good primary care doctor, I'd have called yesterday, but I have yet to find one. Doctors do not seem to care about people anymore. I remember when doctors developed actual relationships with their patients. Even made house calls. I remember when people cared about each other more too. Our society seems to have desensitized to a point where we accept impersonal interactions as the norm, where genuinely caring (the verb) is not expected or even sought anymore, and our suicidal tendencies are winning the race. The human race is losing. Extinction is pretty much inevitable if something dramatic doesn't change soon.

Meanwhile, I may be gone before it does. Still, I continue writing this life as I experience it.

All these words, every little thing, in case it matters.

There's always hope.

Narf.

No Energy Today

Food poisoning seriously sucks. It's been the primary subject, in fact, the only subject of three blog posts already tonight. Except for when I mentioned that Windows 10 is still Malware. "Restart Required" Might as well say "Click here to comtinue using your computer". I really would like a Mac now.

I still feel very under the weather, whatever that means.

Ok, so I eat at buffets often. And yes, I eat at low-priced buffets often. I am a poor impoverished foodie who loves variety in my meals. I usually have no painful effects from buffets, though I do experience diarrhea from time to time. Regularly, in fact. Which I accept as a cleansing (rationalizing is a gift). This time, however, there was a whole lot more. It was hard core food poisoning. Except for more than a dozen trips to the bathroom every time I drink a little water, it was an extreme challenge to get out of bed. Extreme challenge. At least three times it was ugly as the gas I thought I was passing was not solid than gas. Liquid, actually. I only had to throw out one pair of underwear. As I might have should have said, it was not a good day.

That's all that happened today. I took my first sick day at work (except for the to days I was in the hospital last year). I barely got out of bed. I think I said that. It was very challenging to get out of bed. Everything hurt, but especially the stomach and head. And leg, the leg still hurts and it will for weeks, though it seems to be getting a little better with the antibiotics. The kidneys hurt too, poor kidneys. I don't think I am dehydrating because I am sipping water every time I wake, which, as I said, was more than a dozen times. Muscle cramps have also not been my friend. More than 24 hours and still...

I really need to get to sleep, I must get to work tomorrow.

But I slept most of the day. All day, in fact, except for more than a dozen trips to the bathroom. I am finally not nauseous. The anus is still very sore because all I am passing is digestive acids now.

The good news is I can sit up and type. This is the first time I am sitting up in more than 24 hours. Except when I sat on the toilet. More than a dozen times. I may have mentioned that.

I think the scientific word for how I feel is yucky. It is a vast improvement from the throws of death.

No energy.

Narf.

Well would you?

Yeah, right, I've got piles of words sitting around me in my head and in files on this ideapad and maybe some will get out here on the web today since I am supposed to sit around with my leg elevated all day and for a few days or more (what are the odds I do that?). Hush, I have a tournament next weekend so I really must rest and heal. I'll play Monday night and then, as limited activity as possible until Friday. Hush, I know.

What I don't know is why I am saying hush as if someone might say something.

Woah, that was close. I almost fell into reality. I know, millions of you gasped and wondered if you were gone. You're not. You are all still right there reading. This is almost as dramatic as he over-acting drama based on ignorance that Blondspot uses. Shhhh, you are not forced to watch commercials here. Oh, yeah, I meant Blindspot, but the dumb blonde joke fits so well I left the typo. Whole scenes are based on illogical premises that anyone with intelligence would see right through yet half a hour or whole shows go by before they solve the obviously illogical problem. The ignorance of how drugs are injected into arms is especially stupid, but then, most people look away when they get an IV and that's American, ignorance is so-called bliss.

I've been updating the food blog almost daily so in case anyone wants to know the food I eat, it's out here now in a more organized (and colorful) blog. Now if I'd just get the body blog up to daily, I might see the connection and start turning back in a healthier direction. Or I'd at least have a great record of suicide by food.

If you are laughing we really should talk. Eye to eye. We might actually understand each other :)

Sitting around all weekend watching TV, you'd think I'd have written a ton or at least pulled paragraphs from the files and uploaded them, but noooooooooooo, I'm eating and watching TV. I read a bit of this blog when I found a link in my email. I think I've known the writer for two decades or more. Then again, I am turning off most brain cells right now, so I don't remember.

I think I will lay down now and let sleep pull me under.

Nrf :)

Yeah, Right, Whatever

Yeah, right, whatever. I woke and realized I was not falling asleep again after my trip to the bathroom so I called Harpo. An hour and a half later, I decided to sit up, put on some music, and write. I shall give you the brief blog version of what happened (with the usual embellishments) partly because I am watching this video for the past hour on this computer (as opposed to the other computer and screen, which still has Placebo cued up) as I put this entry together. I may explain later, but then, who knows. Anyway, here:

Listening to Placebo, Meds (after falling asleep to the Placebo mix I sometimes fall asleep to), which of course leads me to recall Ms. Blackery (who put together the Placebo mix I sometimes fall asleep to), the friend from across the pond I never met, at least not in this life, yet (more in the details, which would be this blog, so... here is the detail not in the original brief blog entry.... I think the deepest most real connection we would find is an insatiable desire for sharing. Not a mere desire for attention, but a compulsion to want to share everything with everyone, at the very least with someone (depending how personally intimately romantic we allows ourselves to be... as for me, I don't know if I'd go there again, but then, we never know what we might do when faced with the cliff of possibility that the deepest rooted dream of this lifetime might become real in the physical sharing again, but that's another story).

I am out here doing what Emma does on youtube. Would I make money doing this on youtube? Would the babbling be the same if it was poured out verbally? Obviously, but how much different. Would I be laughing at myself as much as I do here? Would I be amusing myself as much? Would I be crying? Would I be ranting? Would I be babbling? Could be I'd clam up thinking about who might see the vlog and worry about losing my job and income. I'm old and have no retirement fund, after all. Would I look at the video and be disgusted by my fat chin(s) and decide to exercise and return to a much healthier fitness? Is that possible? Good grief, who'd have thought all this would pour out here thinking about vlogging?

The point was to explore the attraction to Emma Blackery, not self-analyze (but then, self=analysis is an integral aspect of this blog, I mean, didn't you see the subtitle above?... we are loud like love, after all... yes, I did return to listening to the Placebo top 20 mix she put together... I am happy she did as it is a mix I come back to at least once or twice a month, especially as I lay me down to sleep... can we exit the parentheses now?).

It is not a sexual or romantic attraction (not that she isn't physically attractive). What draws me to return to watch some Emma vlogs (besides an enjoyment of Placebo) is that drive to share I see in her eyes. A hunger to be recognized. She might want more fame than I do, but it is a shared core life motivation that she took to her medium, video, ad I took to my medium, the written word. Then there is music. If you've known me long, you may have read the words... music is the spirit that flows through my soul and words are the cells of the body of my dreams (or something like that). I went on to explain that I think in rhymes and feel in melodies and dream of finding perfect harmonies (or something like that). Yes, the or something like that is definitely part of me too.

Publix just advertised their Chocolate Ganache cake, a favorite, and I want chocolate.

Meanwhile, this imagined connection between the Lady Blackery (she's British, so I show some respect and hope to amuse) and myself is as real as it can be given the current lack of connection, but I explore and explain in case she explored and wanted to know and expected details (I don't intentionally try to disappoint cuz after all, soulmates never die, ya know?). May we be amused, intrigued, and comfortably numb.

Yeah, so I woke up almost midnight, which is quite early since I don't have to be at work for almost eight hours and I probably should try to get more sleep. I spoke to Harpo for almost two hours. He brought up Eisner (as usual... alas, his obsession with Disney and tilting at windmills does not bring him the pleasure my babbling obsession with sharing brings me, but we all have our missions in life I suppose), Trump, Jeff Schwartz, some other guy, and other madmen (he's got darkness inside, that one, but then, so do I... I just put it in it's place and do not let it dominate my life) and I retaliated with Douglas Adams, Harry Chapin, Stephen King, Richard Bach, John Lennon, and my own natural wonders. Page 87 of War and Peace came up, but I have no idea why. Then Emma. I've got to shut down the computer because the Microsoft Virus interrupted again. So what have you been up to?

Narf :)

Yes, the Microsoft Windows Virus shut me down tonight, so it is increasing it's intrusion and further preventing me from using my computer as I want to and Microsoft appears to be doing nothing about it. I am saving up for the move I must make, a new place to live, but I am also saving up for another computer and it will be a Mac.

Speaking of page 87 (or was it 84?... 82?... 42?... where did I put my memory, anyway?)

‘You were meaning to go out, weren’t you, Mamma? Do you want the carriage?’ he asked his mother with a smile.
‘Yes, yes, go and tell them to get it ready,’ she answered, returning his smile.
Boris quietly left the room and went in search of Natasha. The plump boy ran after them angrily, as if vexed that their program had been disturbed.

‘Ma chere, there is a time for everything,’ said the countess with feigned severity. ‘You spoil her, Ilya,’ she added, turning to her husband.
‘How do you do, my dear? I wish you many happy returns of your name day,’ said the visitor. ‘What a charming child,’ she added, addressing the mother.
This black-eyed, wide-mouthed girl, not pretty but full of life- with childish bare shoulders which after her run heaved and shook her bodice, with black curls tossed backward, thin bare arms, little legs in lace-frilled drawers, and feet in low slippers- was just at that charming age when a girl is no longer a child, though the child is not yet a young woman. Escaping from her father she ran to hide her flushed face in the lace of her mother’s mantilla- not paying the least attention to her severe remark- and began to laugh. She laughed, and in fragmentary sentences tried to explain about a doll which she produced from the folds of her frock.
‘Do you see?... My doll... Mimi... You see...’ was all Natasha managed to utter (to her everything seemedfunny). She leaned against her mother and burst into such a loud, ringing fit of laughter that even the prim visitor could not help joining in.

Be that as i may be or not to be, it may or may not have anything to do with the price of eggs in Madagascar or the viscosity of oil in Nascar or this blog post, for that matter, but it came up so I looked it up and included it here. At least I included the version i found online, which went on for 2,882 pages, so the page number references may not be the same as in the printed text (or this version, for that matter) which of course could change everything so, in the immortal words of Ms. Emily Littela, nevermind.

Anyway, after the almost two hour babbling session with Harpo, I spent 20 minutes watching this video blog and left this comment:

Has it been ten years since the first time I saw you online? Now Google has that side bar of you with images and "British Singer" and a bio under your pictures. Wow. So when you make your millions and are an untouchable pop/rock star will I still be able to find 20 minutes of you living your life, watching TV in your bathrobe (I really don't see what you see in the WWE), changing jackets (do you always wear them indoors?), hair colors (this one looks great, but so does natural for anyone who remembers... do you? lol), styles, teeth (I thought about the whole whitening thing... maybe this year... I sometimes miss your gap), and so on? Going shopping with your dad inspired my smile. I ramble on about my life and whatever in words, never moved to the video mode, but that's probably why I relate to you so well. In case it matters, like, if you wondered. Yeah, so I am here because I woke and wanted some music and put on the Spotify Placebo mix you made and that lead me here to check in on you. You just had to know, right? If the comment is too long, well, don't read it all. If it being too late for that is irony, well, it's been a quiet week here too. ;)

Hopefully she is amused if she reads it and perhaps someday we will have our own babbling session, but I am amused and enjoy visiting her babbling vlogs from time to time even if we never connect any further than we have. I think we would very awkwardly get along and somewhere in our souls (whatever a soul may be) fall in love in a timeless spaceless way that the universe does not explain to our human consciousness at this time in our development as a species. If nothing else, we'd at least have a laugh.

Then youtube lead me to remember that I really like Kate Bush (Wiki). In many ways she was shooting star. Here is a older and younger random sampling. And as the hour plus long Kate Bush under review video closes I recall thinking how lucky some people are to be born into connections like she was, taking nothing from her brilliance as an artist, a family friend knew David Gilmour and he hired a 30 piece orchestra and rented Abbey Road for her first recording session. Nice gig if you can get it.

There is where I have been for the past hour or so ad now, here, you can have this playlist for the next hour or so, or week, if you like. One Two Three Four Five Six Seven

I shall close this bit of babble now with the side note that it was written after the last entry (which carried on from the entry actually before this which attempted to send a sincerely profound please to the multiverses for someone to understand) and yet placed on this date because for reasons that might be explained in the next entry, which will be written even further after the date it will be stamped, there were three days without babbling entries in the past three days in spite of my having time to sit around because the leg, you remember the leg, right? It happens. Anyway, it is tme for something else, if not sleep (which would be wise), then who knows, but something else. I am wide awake and you do see the time, right?

As I wander off, never let it be said I did not offer something different for those who might have some mental illness that prevents them from loving music.

May amusement and enjoyment be what you found here and may we someday celebrate together.

Narf :)

I Just Want Somebody To Understand

This is why I did not post here yesterday
among other reasons I don't want to think about
watching TV to distract myself from things
I don't want to think about
in a box I can't get out
alone
giving everything I've got
feeling so alone
don't want to think I live this life
unknown
I fell asleep sitting here a few times as NCIS played and finally went to bed, but checked the phone first because that was what was waking me, group text messages. So many needy people, where do they all come from. I wish I could save all of them, but I no longer have the means. I didn't have time to process a disappointing text from Jackson's sister. You may recall the details, if you read here regularly, and it sounds like the gift-or-loan terms are going to be broken in the very first month. Oh course there are extenuating circumstances. I have a decision to make. I am not sure I have all of the information.

Gibbs says, "A lot of times, people are idiots."

That's me, idiot. Of course I use the term lovingly, at least for myself. Last month I was finally getting ahead of the curve and almost a whole check was going into the bank without being touched and sure enough, the universe gives me a reason to not let that happen and I am stuck here in this cramped dirty place without my stuff living like a refugee not taking care of this body and my health as well as I should trying to save enough money to feel comfortable moving into a more expensive place even if I don't find a roommate and I don't want to think about that or how I let myself get into these situations of helping people who don't handle money well because money can't buy me love but it's the only way I keep people in my life, even temporarily.

It hurts.

So it is keeping me awake. Not great since I didn't sleep at all last night. No entry here, and I didn't sleep at all last night. What's wrong with that picture? Who cares (no really, who cares was one place that got an entry last night and another went to the bored and the caring and that is usually an excellent sign of inner creativity and productivity and housekeeping, usually good, and yeah... you did see this one, right?... so many missing pieces strewn along the way and so much more could have flowed if I only had a brain.

Yes, reaching for the deep rooted amusements and distractions.

I want to help because it feels good inside of me when I help, so it's not just altruism. I want to feel loved and to love so much I give anything, sacrifice anything just for a few moments of the emotional experience. It is what makes me happier than anything else. I mean, I cry at the end of TV shows and movies when there is some sharing of caring and that isn't even real, but I let the emotions become real in me just so I can feel.

I don't know why people seem so afraid to feel all humans can feel.

I just want somebody to understand.

Narf. :)

Would You Care If You Knew

Would you care if you knew I would give everything to you
I live only for our happiness
Every living thing breaths the same air we all receive
So why are so many concerned with manliness

do you want to know
how to make love grow
open your whole heart
this is how we start
to share everything
beyond worshipping
open your whole heart
and you become a part
of everything

then you can see
how to be free
seriously
happy
happy

I would give anything to help you see
this truth is the way to be
I would give everything to set you free
but it is up to you to do... not me

it all becomes so clear
when you overcome fear
and open your whole heart
and become a part
of everything

sometimes I despair
cuz i don't belong here
Don't give up, I still want to believe there is a place for us, somewhere in this world there is a place for me where I will not be used and abused and discarded and abandoned and somewhere there's a place where I belong and mst of all, someone with whome I belong...



Would you care if you knew all the songs you never heard
I would die to give us peace
Every living thing love so much they look for it above
so would it be so caprice
to share it here and now
do you want to know how

open your whole heart
this is how we start
to share everything
beyond worshipping
open your whole heart
and you become a part
of everything

then you can see
how to be free
seriously
happy
happy

I would give anything to help you see
this truth is the way to be
I would give everything to set you free
but it is up to up to do... not me

it all becomes so clear
when you overcome fear
and open your whole heart
and become a part
of everything

I would die to help you see
this truth is the way to be
I would die to set you free
but it is up to you... not me

Superbowl Sunday

Obviously, too much food. After all, when overeating almost daily, Superbowl Sunday becomes a suicidal face stuffing. I will share the brief entry and the food entry later and expand on it so you can have all the gory details, but for now, I am fast asleep. Writing while I am asleep might be called sleepwriting, but that name has been long gone for a long long time. Imagine the powerful emocoaster this entry might have been if I was awake.

so did you have a superbowl party
with you your closest friends
I won't ask why I wasn't invited
we know how you pretend
did your guilt lead you to text me
on this superbowl Sunday
do the promises you broke
still get in your way
it was a great game, did you miss me
when you looked around and cheered
did you feel anything when you
realized I wasn't there?
I hope your superbowl party
was full of fun and love and friends
the ones who really matter
who are laughing at the end

Interesting. All the sports fans who really watch games are gone and the friends I have now kind of go through the motions with superficial stuff, but the game must go on and I'd rather watch it with some people in comfort than here. So I was not here yet when I wrote this in my head, but in a couple of hours, I would be. Sarducci decided to have a Superbowl party and the usual crowd showed up, but only a few of us really wanted to watch the Superbowl. The rest either fell asleep on the couches or chatted in the kitchen. It was a good game that New England gave away with very out of character play/ Philadelphia made the key plays at the key moments and New England was out-coached, which is a rarity. But you know all this if you watched the game. Yeah, so one mistake by NE iced the game for Philadelphia, but lack of execution on key plays by NE and precise execution by Philly was the difference. I still think Brady is the one of the best QBs ever, but Joe Montana was more flawless so who is the best?


More babble... food blog entry...


It was a Sarducci party, as usual. Earlier I moved around on my feet for almost 4 and a half hours at softball practice and hit a lot of balls, but did not pitch or field. The leg survived, so the next step (literally) in the assessment is to play softball tomorrow night. Hopefully it will not be against one of the killer teams that could take my head off or break the already very tender leg. Shhh, without softball I'd die a vegetable, probably sooner. After softball I made some stops... gas, the giant store for clothes and food for Helen, the supermarket for more food for Helen and for the party, the bank for money for Helen, then Helen's for a shower, then... the party.

I think this is where we came in lol lam :)


More to follow


Narf :)

Simple Excitements

I cleared off two of my folding tables so I can have more room for the food I ordered and sudden gleeful excitement poured through me. Such simple things send me soaring high on the roller coaster of emotion that is life in these physical bodies as interpreted by the brain. I ordered from the only Italian place that delivers to this address, a pizza shop. I like the flavor and portions of their food, so it is where I would order what they have on their menu if there were other places, but they have a very limited menu so I can tired of it and I want more variety. I must drive at minimum ten minutes to (and ten minutes plus back) to get a different menu.

So I am "settling" on... well, there's a food blog for that but lets just say five orders. Two dinners, an appetizer, a sub, and a calzone. I will have dinner for tonight and lunch for tomorrow ad probably dinner for tomorrow. Maybe even more if I am not greedy. Or hungry. Or lonely.

But I really must stay off my feet today and tonight, so no, I will stay lonely and not go out tonight. Sure enough, the phone started ringing an hour ago. Why do I get no phone calls most weekends and weekends when I a certain that staying in and resting is the best thing and necessary thing I can do, multiple calls come to invite me out. Most people are on such a different wavelength, pane, level of consciousness than I am.

Do you know those moments when I just stare off into space with understanding that no one else has?

Like hanging participles.

A day of sitting around with my feet under a heated blanket and drinks and TV and computer and everything is restful and healing. Lonely, but restful and healing. Anybody there?

Narf :)

Titles Matter (so do subtitles)

I mean, did you not see the title and subtitle here? I am amazed that some people do not see the word Drama and even more amazed that some do not see the subtitle (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more). Like, DUH! (not just duh, ya know). Yes, so the need today is for some serious and I mean serious distraction therapy because the leg hurts every time move. Don't say broken, it's not allowed.

Along with distraction therapy should come a lot of self-mockery if I am doing this right and some emo-processing, though I am over the pity-party I think (except when I think about how no one walked over to ask how bad the leg was after the game even though I was limping all the way to the parking lot, whatever, forget it... where the heck is the distraction and mockery already?), having gotten sleep and feeling mostly awake and reborn. You do know I am reborn each time I open my eyes, right? Though it works better after some good sleep now that I am old and crotchety. Blinking still helps, but not nearly as much as good sleep. Aging can be complicated for simple minds. Right, so anyway, definitely some psych-analysis will be involved if this goes well.

How are we doing so far?

The previous entry here and in the brief blog will explain more about the leg pain and swelling, in case it matters, so if you are interested, feel free to see for yourself how this blog works to live up to it's title and subtitle. The only emo left is the lonelies, but they are always fluttering about in the cranium and the severe pain just makes them flutter more noticeably. I know it is my choice, but it is not my wish (figure that one out, aye?... there was not room in the subtitle for and the occasional riddle, so just know it's meant to be there and consider it part of the other stuff because each of the creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy labels {yeah, labels, they overlap plenty and can be meaningless like most labels, but when in titles and subtitles, they mean a lot... I mean, they matter you did believe me, right?) can have a riddle or few.

Helen just texted wanting to know my schedule. She is a scheduler and planner. The two people close to me are very much like that, Harpo and Helen, and as I said, I know it is my choice (remember?), but I am not, in fact, I am quite the opposite of a scheduler and planner. Jackson isn't close anymore, in case you wondered why I didn't mention her as the closest to me, but we still share more similarities and connections inside than anybody either of us know, even if she tries to avoid or deny. She avoids much more than she denies, she just will rarely, if ever, admit it. Hey, it's not always self-analysis, psych. Get it now?

I may be in denial myself.

Maybe I am wallowing in negativity the way too much as Jackson seems to think (or so she used to tell me when I was depressed over suddenly losing a second job the same month we put Happiness to sleep and she told me she was moving out. Hey, major life changes can be traumas and they take a little time to process (and support helps, but I suddenly had zero and had to scramble to find some). So I ask you, ear readers. Reading the last 20ish years of my babblngs (no small task, so if you did or will do, amazing graces and lavish rewards are waiting for you right here if you ever get here, or leave a comment, even :)

So, reading the last 20ish years of my babblings, what do you think? Am I a depressive self-absorbed negative person no one wants to be around (except other negative self-absorbed depressive people because I do have more patience than that Job guy and listen so well it hurts sometimes) or do you see something in me that can be tolerated, enjoyed or desired or admired, even (I said or, but feel free to combine and add to the verbage... ad-verbage, even... nyuk nyuk?), I meam, in case it matters and all that Eeyore enthusiastic encouragement.

Dontcha feel motivated to spend a few months reading now?

Maybe I should start a blog entitled Positive Nonsense or Happy Happy Joy Joy or Humor for Depressed People or Suddenly Seymour or Marvin's Laughter or Eeyore's Optimism or... The Joy of Eeyore (not to be confused with The Joy of Sex. Why did Douglas Adams have to die? And why isn't the world, or more people at least, understanding his understanding is the understanding that can lead us to the understanding of how to live together and survive in this crazy mixed up universe where the needs of two people don't amount to a hill of beans except to the bean counters and the two people themselves?

It's working, I am not even thinking about the leg anymore.

Alas, if I only brought Helen's bag and money back to her last night before the game as I planned instead of napping and showing up groggy to the game, I wouldn't have to drive all the way to her place to drop it off now (with a stop at the bank along the way) and lower my leg from it's elevated position so the throbbing pain can start excruciating me again and I might not even have gotten hurt in the first place. Caffeine after naps, right.

Helen told me not to do anything today and to just rest my leg. Yay Helen, thank you. She may be the only person I could call to take me to the hospital if I couldn't drive myself and wanted to save the hundreds of dollars of the 911 route. I don't know what Jackson would do if I called her. That is a dam shame, not knowing, but whatever. Harpo would likely do it after a lot of frantic preparation, complaining, and rushing to get back to his mom and tilting at windmills. Tinman might, if he wasn't already occupied with his daughter somewhere. Eb might, if he was here and I let him drive my car. He rides a moped and I am not sure the last time he drove a car, if ever. The rest of the people I know are not close enough (in distance r in intimacy) for me to want to ask. As I said, it is my choice, just not my wish.

As for the leg (for a moment... actually the thought of food brings us to this brief incomplete assessment) I don't feel anything but slight pressure of the swelling and very slight pain only when I move it move it as long as it's elevated. Not sure what I'll do for fod. Order in or heat up something here (it's 62 degrees in this house so I don't want cold food). I can make oatmeal I suppose, that would probably be the least time on my feet. Chicken and pasta.soup would take longer. Both require washing a dish that needs some soaking time. Ordering in may be the least time on my feet of all the choices.

Eb has been out somewhere all morning. I wonder if he has a full day event for his campaign (I did mention he is running for some government office, didn't I? City Commissioner, I think. It would be a big change for this little city to have an elected official who is comfortable with all races in office. He's a rather liberal Democrat but the Dems won't touch him because they want the moderate and right vote in the fall elections so the Republicans are backing him, go figure. Couldn't be because he's a white man running against a blank woman, could it? You may have heard that politics makes strange bedfellows. Yeah, so anyway, this is the city of the infamous stand your ground shooting (murderer of unarmed teen let off scott-free and still able to carry his guns) and the County that has civilians in the Tax Collectors office carrying guns, after all.

So perhaps I am ready to consider food and other distractions. What's on the TV today?

Thank you for listening (reading, actually, but feel free to participate in any manner that is comfortable for you and if you want to chat, the number is on my Facebook and right here on this page, actually... definitely not the best day for the whole introductory first contact, but hey got for it if you can tolerate a bit of moaning and stir-crazy boredom... the ADD is strong in this one today, soon to be supplemented by anything within read... distraction therapy, remember?).

I'll likely be back sooner than usual. Cuz anticipation.

Oh, ketchup, spaghetti sounds good. lol lam

Narf :)

Pain Squared

I want to ignore it, really I do. I am seriously trying too. The last time I felt this much pain was when I broke my ankle. I still have a bruise on my right shin from a hit by a softball several weeks ago, at least. Tonight the left shin took a hit that hurts more than, well, I already described the pain scale more or less. I so hope the bone did not break. That would be terrible timing with softball season already underway in two leagues and two other leagues starting very soon and a tournament in a couple of weeks and fuck suck duck, it hurts.

I'm not helping, am I?

This is the loneliest of the lonelies, hurting with no one to care. Can I get you anything? Can I refresh your ice pack? Do you want a drink? Can I just sit with you and distract you? Nope, none of that sort of caring in this life for me.

So I wrote to Jackson...

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ...

I know, we don't email, we barely talk, we text only certainly times of certain days, but I still believe you care anytime so this is just my pat on the head and ice bag and drink and hug and hope I feel all better from you that I know is in your heart.

It really hurts. I took a shot to the right shin a bunch of weeks ago and it's still bruised, but the pain was not nearly this bad and it only lasted about two weeks and it didn't interfere with walking or playing or batting or pitching or running or anything. Tonight it hurts. The only hurt that hurt more like this was the broken ankle. So I want sympathy.

So I make myself some imaginary sympathy and nursing out of my memory of your heart.

Hope you don't mind :)

Hope you are laughing. :)

It helps :)

Thanks for starting a new game too. That was amazingly right on time as I had just sat down and felt so alone and have nobody who really cares to help if I did need help so suddenly there you were distracting me from the pain with a game like my grandma used to do (we played gin) when I was sick when I was little.

Emo, ok, we know I am emo, but thank you :)

No worries, I'll survive. As long as my worst fears don't happen lol. Hug, thank you for staying in my life.

And (something personal about her sister and money), m'ok? :)

I'm here for you too, in case you ever forget (like I might let you lol... I wonder if you ever have any doubts).

Ok, I need more distraction. I need drugs. I don't want drugs. Or alcohol. Maybe a hammer to the head. Naaa, that won't work either. I'm too hard headed.

Thank you for reading and caring and helping me try to distract myself.

I'm going to look for an inexpensive amputation now ;)

Ouch.

Honest ouch.

honest love,
ric

Hey, this is my great self-destruction, get yer own :)

Narf :)

Leadership, Me?

Yeah, me. I took this job so I wouldn't have to do this. Hopefully I won't have to after next month when the team elects a leader. Me Facilitator, you Leader. See, there is a Team Leader, a Facilitator, and a Recorded. Basically a Chairman, a Technical Specialist and Administrative Liaison, and a Secretary. The Team Leader runs the team with guidance from the Tech Spec Admin Liaison. The TSAL provides expertise in safety & regulations and connection to Risk, Finance, and County Management. The Recorder takes minutes and does paperwork. Then there are other responsibilities others can take on... research, inspections, creating product (documents, audio, video, etc.), web development, and so much more. Yeah, an 18 person team can do a lot if they invest their time and energy and believe we can do something that makes a difference. We shall see if they do.

Am I the only dreamer on the team?

Anyway, when I woke I texted the boss that I'd be in two hours late so I could sleep longer. It was sweet and I woke early enough to shower and be more refreshed for the big meeting. I took care of more meeting prep and some other things at my desk in spite of being interrupted by a power outage that sent me all through the building checking on whether the generators kicked on and how they worked. The power was not out long enough to be certain, but the generators did not fail this time.

There is definitely way too much fate, destiny, and god stuff in the newer Outer Limits.

Sorry, I just won't stand by.

So anyway, I got more prep done and some others things before I headed over to the place where I set up the meeting. My timing was great (though no lunch because I I did not want the digestive stuff interrupting the meeting). I had time to set up the computer and monitor for the presentation, set up the seating just the way I wanted it, and collate and distribute documentation to the 18 chairs I set up around the table, and was done enough to start when the first person walked in. The meeting went smoothly, though a half hour longer than planned. I wanted each person to introduce themselves and that took more than 15 minutes (18 people), then my Powerpoint presentation took about a half hour, then a brief run through the website I set up for the team took a little more time and some discussion and an hour was gone. Several agenda items were not touched on, but one important one, letting each team member share what is most important to them in their division or program, was necessary. That took a half hour.

Good reason, but I really must not let that happen again.

I headed back to my office and stayed two hours past quitting time to format the minutes document and type up the minutes, There I was, last one out of the building again. It made up for getting in two hours late, but I stayed two hours late on Tuesday too. One of these weeks I'll only put in forty hours lol.

Back here for dinner (you know where the food details are), Then TV, The Outer Limits again. Capitalizing Miracle is another subtle unnecessary religious reference that undermine the show's potential for me. It is time to sleep, after midnight, another work day tomorrow and softball after. So we are having fun, right?

Narf :)