Monday, February 29, 2016

And the changes...

If you know Harry Chapin, you might know the song of the same title as this blog entry and that may give you some insight into me and part of the perspective I bring to this life (and Everybody's Lonely too). In any case, this entry is meant to document, rather curtly perhaps, the major changes (mostly losses) recently experienced in this life (from about or a bit before where we left off in the previous daily blog. The brevity may deny the impact the changes have had and changes are still being digested, however this entry is not meant to document that digestion (even though it might more than intended). Any post trauma reactions should released elsewhere if all goes according to plan (there is a plan?... ahhhh, get on with it).

In early October of last year, we brought our dog to the Vet for the last time. We nursed him for almost a year while his body slowly failed him and he no longer smiled, so it was time. He was Jackson's (my best friend) dog since he was a pup, I'd known him for most of his life, and he became mine too since she and I started living together almost ten years ago. Especially since, in the past couple of years, I'd spend a lot more time with him than she did because she worked so much and in the past year, she spend much time away as her new relationship blossomed. I also think she did not want to face his end times. He was the happiest and most friendly dog I've ever known and is still very much missed.

In early November, my income dropped from near six figures to zero as the job paying me and I parted ways. Except for the financial stress that was extremely poorly timed, it was mutually beneficial as I have reached a stage in life that does not require (or desire) the level of 24/7 administrative responsibilities my career has been about. The organization was changing and not aligning with my ideals as it did when I first started. I was not actively looking, however am now looking for a job that is a job and not a life. It will likely come with a major pay cut, but managing hundreds of staff and multi-million dollar budgets and being responsibly for everything 24/7/365 can take it's toll after a while. So I am unemployed and draining savings, both of which are quite stressful as further changes will explain.

In December, Jackson, the best friend and long time roommate I mentioned above, finally told me she decided to move in with her girlfriend and while the timing could not be worse for my finances and morale, it is the most exciting and positive news because she's in love and this time, it seems like it is really working. In a way us parting helps my finances as she did not pay her half and drained my savings but she is family through osmosis and adoption (not having biological family, I only know family through adoption) and I only say no to family when it would really hurt me to say yes. People always come before money in my life, even if that means I will need to work until I not longer can. Money is replaceable and she is not, so I wouldn't change a thing. Her moving out (along with our cat) is another major loss still in process. Being jobless exascerbates loneliness and the stress of life's expenses makes the losses even more challenging.

Additional stress comes from wanting to stretch savings as far as possible and to do that I've decided to move from the comfortable place we shared into an empty unfinished apartment in a house a friend rents to two other families. He split the house into three apartments, rents two, and the one I am taking has been used for storage and never completed so it has no kitchen or water or electricity just yet. It needs extensive cleaning, fumagating, and sanitizing. I am hoping we can get some electricity and hot water by the time I move in.

It is very challenging to lose so much of the living beings I shared space with for many years in a relatively short period. They were my only close family. Jackson still is, but from afar now. Suddenly not having anyone to say good night or good morning to each day, well, it's another one of the changes being processed. It is also very challenging to stay positive while considering how close to homelessness I might get. That may be the best reason to start this new blog with the determination to stay positive and adjust to the changes and create a new life alone. Then, if I am lucky, I might find a new friend and family.

So there it is. Maybe this was not quite as curt as intended. Hopefully it does not come across as depressing or whiney and all those other negatives. I am quite positive and hopeful about the changes. Life goes on, I know that. Hitting bottom only means it's time to head back up and I've been a lot lower than I am now. I've got friends.

Hopefully that rise will start soon :)