Thursday, June 30, 2016

Welcome to the Machine (Reduced)

Ok, here we go again. Welcome to the machine. At the moment this machine is not connected to the internet because the router is down. This is the first night I am exploring this laptop, a Dell Inspiron N5010 with an i5 CPU M480 @2.67 Ghz with 8Mb RAM, though the exploration is limited without internet access. This was Jackson's laptop and I am inheriting it now that she bought herself a Mac. In theory and based on logic, this machine should be faster and easier to use once I get used to Windows 10, the keyboard layout, and I set it up to my liking. I need to get a lap tray, mesh if possible, to be comfortable and to keep the laptop cool in this environment without air conditioning. It is a wonderful gift from my wonderful friend and I shall treasure it and do my best not to complain about it much. Laugh, please, I am trying to feel wonderful about accepting gifts, something I do not do well. It's a long story.

The iPhone 5 that Excel's son gave me is set up with my contacts and that will be another learning curve for the next few weeks. Curly says it took him several years to learn all the little tricks. By then I'll have another phone (I hope) lol and if an iPhone is that complicated I will not get another. Though I had the HTC Inspire for at least five years, so who knows. The tiny screen is the biggest negative for me so far and that may lead me to buy a bigger phone when I get back to working. I am very lucky to have a few very generous friends. Curly lefts me live here rent free. Excel's son gave me a working iPhone 5s. Jackson gave me a working relatively newish laptop. Yes, I am a lucky child of the universe.

I am tired at the moment though so I am not bouncing as I would in other moments. The heat in this place is draining me today/tonight. I am still not recharged emotionally from the last few weeks of funerals and giving support and I don't have any power sources I can tap into as everyone I know these days is low-energy or negative energy. Even Curly seems down, but he doesn't turn on the news and has no time or interest in the local tragedy, so i am not sure why. I hope it's not me). Physically, my only cool-down places are the car and the shower and I've showered three times in the past few hours. Just soaked my head in cold water fifteen minutes ago and I am overheating again. The laptop on the lap does not help. Hopefully it is not the BP meds messing with my kidneys. Kidneys regulate body temperature, ya know? It stormed early so the humidity is extremely high. I did a load of laundry, so that didn't help. Life goes on.

Letting weeks go by without writing for myself here did not help. My only writing was on Facebook in comments and posts and those were mostly very serious supportive emotional exchanges with people hurting or serious political conversations with people who's ignorance and self-destructive choices are frightening. I've had my fill of the serious stuff out there. Except for the fact that the support group I co-run is probably wondering where I am tonight, I am better off taking a break from the net. Hopefully the old laptop and phone will hold out until the internet returns and I can switch over all the stuff I need to start over with the new phone and laptop.

don't let it get you down
it's only castle burning
just find someone who's turning
and you will come around

Sure would like to find that someone who's turning. Maybe I can sleep now.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Somebody Cares

Sometimes I feel like nobody cares
because nobody cares all the time
I have no partner in this life
my best friend is my rhyme

words have always been my secure place
where at least I know I still care
lately it seems to be getting harder

ok, so who cares if nobody cares about what I've got to say? I used to care enough to make up for all the non-caring in the world, but lately I am drained. Part of the drain is PTSD as I immersed myself in the shooting tragedy here and spent more than two full weeks organizing and comforting people while running around from funeral to viewing to vigil and more. Adding to that was the laptop and phone issues making communication difficult and threatening to cut me off from any connections. Not having TV for distraction made the possibility of losing both computer and phone and internet and all communications even more threatening to my sanity. It is just not the time to be wanting to disappear from society and ponder my navel.

The summer heat is not helping either as the only cool-down place I have is the car and the shower. I see why more elderly die in Florida during the summer than any other season.

The few close friends I have came through for me with a used iPhone 5 and a used Inspiron laptop, both of which are newer and more capable of communication and not breaking down than my older laptop and phone. The path has been challenging however as it took several meetings for Excel to remember the iPhone and it took several weeks for Jackson to get me the laptop (and another couple of days to get me the power cord. I bought a power cord for the iPhone and that is set up minimally now (so much to learn never having an iPhone or Apple product). I plugged in and turned on the laptop for the first time tonight and it'll take a bit of learning to get comfortable with Windows 10.

Meanwhile, the router went down tonight and it may have burned out so I am offline and can't do much set up or anything on the new laptop. Then the new laptop shows me a blue screen of death so my new found sense of stability is shaken as I am back on the old laptop typing these words.

Friday, June 24, 2016

How Repetitive Am I?

Almost slightly related to something like What Kind of Fool Am I? or something like that.

It is the nature of the beast, the daily funerals, the surreal aspect of this event that has rocked our city and many of our worlds.

4:08 AM 6/24/2016
So I ran out of meds yesterday...

Harpo is the first person booted and blocked from the group. He joined and thirty minutes later his ranting and argument with an Admin got him the boot. I was out at a funeral.

The people closest to me in this life these days, whether far away but close in words or close in physical space sharing, don't pay much, if any attention to this blog or what I am doing on Facebook or any of my recent activities for the community. It has always been this way. Even when I just write blogs and rhymes, no one in my personal life cares to read. That seems so sad sometimes, but that is life as I know it. I simply do not know anyone personally close to me who loves words as I do or who wants to give of themselves as I do. I love the people I spend time with, but I wish I knew at least one person who was part of my written gardens in some way, an interactive part or just a reader who responded. I wonder if anyone will even find, no less appreciate any of my babbles or rhymes after this body dies. I imagine there are some readers out there, silent for their own reasons. I love you for reading. I do. I just wish...

for the one who would share my dreams
for the one who would love written words as I do
for the one who would want to cross streams
for the one who would love giving as much as I do
for the one who would live as a team
for the one who would love a song as much as I do
for the one who would share my dreams
I share this dream of sharing with you J
Thank you... more than the words thank you can say, thank you. I am so tired on so many levels. Standing vigil at funerals in the Florida heat can be so draining on the body... giving as I do can be so draining on the heart... I go play cards with friends to diffuse... I go play softball, though not enough lately because so many teams are forfeiting... and then I come home to a cluttered little unfinished space and feel lonely for someone who understands and appreciates all I do... selfish, but still, a feeling I feel.

and tonight a friend who has many indicators for Aspergers Syndrome, especially poor social skills, and also has a great deal of anger and tends to be paranoid, joined the support group I created and within 30 minutes was booted out and became the first person blocked in the group... I was out at a funeral and after hearing what happened, I must support the Admin for following the guidelines I set. So I spent time consoling and reprimanding him and will leave it for him to figure out what to do next... his self-pity is peaking and that distorts everything... sigh...

I spent my usual couple of hours catching up and cheering on the group and feel too frustrated to sleep, yet I have another funeral at 10am (5.5 hours) and yet another in the evening...

the laptop could die at any moment... Jackson said she bought a new one two weeks ago and I can have her old one but she still hasn't given it to me yet... as important as the computer access is to our community, I'd have thought she'd make it a priority but in spite of all I've done for her, I am not anywhere near important to her anymore... that hurts...

even before I lost the job, but especially after, she promised she would start giving me some money each month to make up for the thousands of dollars i've given her over the years and she's given me ten dollars... yet she bought a $30K car and a new laptop and has taken trips and lives well... I am so happy for her that she can do that now after all her struggles with money, but so very disappointed that she has broken her promise especially now that I could use the help so much...

she is just so good at blocking me out of her head i guess...

the phone dies every day and people are trying to reach me as i am supposed to be coordinating and managing gatherings and events... someone else said they have a newer phone I can use, but they have forgotten to bring it to the card games for a few weeks and i just won't bring it up anymore...

I'm so lucky Curly lets me stay here for free and i will find income come the fall, but the people around me disappoint me so much these days... I see I really needed to express that... maybe that's one reason I have not been blogging... I hate it when i feel like complaining about real people in my physical world - or anyone who might feel hurt by my whining, complaining, and general this stuff i am doing now, really...

full of lament tonight, i am (and yoda too)...

Four hours I need to be awake and getting out to another funeral standing in the heat for hours and here I am, awake and frustrated... maybe it's the blood pressure too... i ran out of bp meds yesterday so i missed two doses and will miss the morning dose if I don't wake early enough to get to the pharmacy and wait for the meds before the funeral...

i know, i've got to take care of myself or i'll be no good for anyone else... i tell that to people out there every day these days... yet i continue to give because they need it and i've got more to give and i love giving and i survive, somwhow, which is the story of this life as i've known it and it makes me happy... and if it makes me happy, it can't be that bad, right? (thank you sheryl crow)...

the computer is overheating so i'll stop now... all is well... the words are flowing which means the frustration is processed and the negative energy is released and the self-pity is clarifying as self-love and the world continues to be filled with hate while i feel all the love from a distance... wish someone else did right here right now...

And then I wrote:

The madness of hate is all over the world. We have a choice. Let it infect us so we hate and add to the hate in the world. Or resist the hate and rise above it. Extinguish the hate with our love.

Even if it seems like the hate is a raging fire burning out of control consuming everything in sight, I will rise above and pour love on the hate. I am blessed to have people here in this group and around me at funerals, viewings, vigils, and other gatherings who feel as I do. Who do as I do.

If you feel like you are being consumed by hate or fear or sorrow, come out and join us. Contact any of us and we will listen and help all we can. That is healing us. Let it heal you. Feed off our love and find it growing in you. Be the change you want to see in the world, you can do it - we know you can.

That was tonight's message to the group in part responding to the story about the hostage possible shooting in Germany and also just a general pep talk for the frustrated and angry among our community... I listen to my own words too and then help me to feel better... Maybe ego just wants some cheering... maybe the childinside just wants some appreciation...

So how are you? :)

honest love,

Thursday, June 23, 2016

How Many Today?

One funeral Wednesday... Two funerals Thursday... Three funerals Friday... Four funerals Saturday... Two funerals Sunday... One funeral Monday... One funeral Tuesday... those are just the ones I've attended... each day there were a few, sometimes several more... it is not that I knew all 49 who died, but it is that I am part of the family of humans who lost a lot that day... In case I haven't mentioned it, in case it matters, in case you've been under the same rock I've been hiding under, I am part of the family of Orlando coming together to support and protect each other as we mourn and heal... So sad that we need protection from hate at funerals...

Tell me again how religion is a good thing?


Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Don't Stop Writing!

I must return to my blog writing (even if I don't upload... that writing time is my sanctuary within my head) and I so appreciate J because the email exchange we share is the one thread I am keeping open in my written world today outside of Facebook and blogging. J's caring is so very important to me right now words simply could not express it if I tried. The fact that I don't want to try (like in rhymes the way I used to) is a sad sign of how depressed I feel at the moment. It will pass, it is a reaction mostly to the shooting and the community depression but also my personal realization that I am not actually part of any community because I am not gay or religious or normal and I have not found any family or community into which I actually fit so not fitting in anywhere compounds the sense of isolation and aloneness and uselessness I feel because I am not doing much with my time because I am not working and do not have much outside of softball these days.

It's a strange magic, or something like that.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

So Long Away

the laptop may die at any moment and these words may be lost, which is not the reason i've been away from this blog, but is now the reason i am so uncomfortable, so tentative, so forced in writing and disregarding punctuation as i did for so many years before this particular current blog... the laptop is dying... the battery stopped taking a charge (though for some reason it suddenly returned just moments ago... who knows for how long) and the power supply (or something) is apparently overheating and suddenly shutting down everything...

it is so frustrating as the primary reason i've been away for the past nine days (more reasons behind the away time prior to that) has been the insanity of the shooting here in Orlando... as I might have mentioned in catch up posts if they've been uploaded and you are reading chronologically, i am helping in organizing funeral support groups that attend funerals to show families they are not alone and their city and the whole world mourns... our secondary purpose is to block from the family's view any hate groups that might wish to play their hate for the media... we've encountered it four times, though only once did they actually show themselves at a funeral... i won't mention them in detail anymore, they do not deserve that, but you've probably heard of them protesting at military funerals as well as at gay funerals and political events... their purpose is to provoke a hostile reactions so they can sue... that is how they make money... it is a moral and ethical crime, but the stay within the law and exploit the bill of rights freedoms to assemble, protest, and free speech... despicable people doing hateful things... we will not allow that unchecked in Orlando...

and returning here, now, i wonder... did anyone even notice i was gone?...

narf :}

Monday, June 20, 2016

Alone in a Crowd of 50,000

Of course the title is my self-centered perspective, after all, this blog is about life as I live it through my experience and senses. That doesn't diminish the experiences or the events I organize and participate in, it just puts life in perspective for me (and for you, in case you are interested in my experience, in case it matters).

There may have been more than 50,000 people packed into the park and spilling on to the streets this evening, but almost as usual, I felt the isolation of being different than everyone around me. Jackson sat with Brandi and other softball friends on the corner of the fourth row while I sat with someone I just met there in the back row. Being the sweetheart she is, Brandi offered me her seat (via text) because she recognized all I am doing for the community and I thought about it, but I was enjoying the conversation with the new person and was not enthused by Jackson's almost non-reaction to my being there. She didn't even stand up and turn around when Brandi and our other softball friends spotted me. I am a bit baffled by her there days as she acts like I am a stranger sometimes. Maybe she's embarrassed to be seen in public with me. She never could hug comfortably and and always seems on the defensive with me. She'd probably say that I'm reading her wrong, yet I trust my instincts and she lies to herself very well. Could have well been she was emotionally overwhelmed by facing the enourmity of the tragedy in this public gathering for the first time, so chill with the selfish point of view, m'ok? Ok. I adopted her, she's my baby sister, and I love her unconditionally cuz that is what I do and it makes me happy (so it can't be bad, right Sheryl?).

At first I was very disappointed that this night would not be like last night as Vigils go. Last night was informal and positive and friendly and mobile and unscripted and freeing and active (a few laps around the park with flags and banners and lots of people) and tonight, the politicians and organizers were there. Very stuffy organizers heaping way too much praise on themselves. I was surprised that I enjoyed the politicians for the most part. They said the right words and came across as meaning what they were saying. Hopefully they were not just playing for the audience and giving them what they wanted to hear. The night was very confining though as packing that many people into the park leaves little wiggle room, no less room to walk around. I walked around a lot more than most as I weaved through the crowd a few times to say hello to people and to help a few (one older woman was in the middle of the crowd with a great dane about four feet high and the dog was definitely in some distress so I offered to help her out but she said her daughter ways on her way so I just stood there scratching the dog's head and looking into it's eyes until it calmed. Someone gave me a hand-woven heart for doing that).

One bright note was that our hateful Governor showed up and the local politicians would not let him take the stage. Maybe he had some sense tonight. Maybe he just did the right thing and kept his mouth shut because he was told to. Whatever happened backstage, it was good to see him not mentioned by anyone. Most people never even knew he was there.

The new friend I met may keep in touch. She had a photo taken of us. Cute, but not my type, but do I even have a "type" anymore? It's been so long. She's a retired computer science professor and an artist and as is so often the case I meet someone I'd do more things with if I had an income but I have to have the talk about finances with her if I am going to hang out with her again and that can push someone away quickly. It might have pushed the softball player new friend mentioned a week or so ago away already and I barely scratch that conversation. Not too many people want to hang out with someone unemployed and squeezing savings to make ends meet. It is such a material culture.

We said goodnight as the vigil ended and I went straight to where Jackson and Brandi were sitting as I told her by I would by text earlier and they were gone. I was hurt. I texted and some time later she acknowledged they bolted right out, again, is she avoiding me out of guilt or what? Or was she just overwhelmed by the event and a hug from me would not have helped? Sure would have helped me. Sigh. Whatever, what can I do. I wandered around downtown for a couple of hours (therein came the loneliness), having two street hot dogs for dinner and watching tv for the first time since early March as I realized game seven of the NBA finals was on and I was sorry I watched when the game was over because the NBA just doesn't appeal to me anymore and I really do not like Lebron's ego. I finally headed home feeling more alone than I have in a long time and stopped for some food and rolled around for a while as once again, sleep was very restless. It is a challenging time in this city for an aware empathic child. Alone.

Then the laptop simply died.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Meeting Hate With love

You'll find me in some videos online today and perhaps on some news reports. We are the news of the moment, the fifteen minutes of fame selling all sorts of products to people addicted to tragedy and fear... such a sad and pathetic culture we have degenerated into... I wonder, were we like this before the TV generation detached us from reality and replaced caring for real people with caring about fictitious characters in imaginary worlds?... love your neighbor has been replaced by love your favorite tv character... it's so much less work and responsibility this way... instead of being your brother's keeper, you're the keeper of the remote... and the real world crumbles all around us while the corporations bleed the planet, as us, dry... waiting for the roads to collapse and the bridges to fall, but you'll be in the newest model car as you plunge into the waters below... but then, I guess we were just as pathetic since instead of slowing down to see victims of car accidents or staying glued to the news of death and destruction, we went out to the center of town to watch hangings or gathered in the dark to burn crosses or watch lynchings...

Cynical, aren't I? Well, that's the venting necessary after absorbing the hate of religion at the funeral of someone killed because of the hate of religion. And they say god is love.

Is there anybody going to listen to my story...

It's online somewhere on some news clip.

Stay strong, don't let the hate win.

What we did was sing Amazing Grace when the hate group started screaming hate. We gathered at the big park in the center of the city, Lake Eola, and I coordinated a police escort up the main downtown street, Orange Avenue, which was closed off so we could stand together against the hate on the corner of the Church where Sean was being memorialized. Over five hundred people, at least, sat drawing rainbows and positive messages on signs and T-Shirts and we marched to the location as one beautiful image of love and equality and togetherness. The organizer of the Facebook Group didn't show up on time, so I just took the lead and everybody followed beautifully. I spoke with the police Captain and asked her where she wanted us and told the group where our boundary was and everyone lined up and cooperated so well the police thanked us at the end.

I gave them pep talks about how to face the hate and reminded them that we were here for a funeral first. I repeated Drew's name over and over until I would ask them "Why are we here? and they would respond "For Drew" and the joy and the tears was amazing. Two other groups were arriving and I coordinated with them to part our group to let them through, the Angels were cheered as they lined up in front of the Church to block the view of any group not part of the support for Drew.

The Westboro Church of Hate arrived and we went silent. More than a thousand people stood silently watching them "set up" their hate signs and lay the American Flag on the group and they looked at us and one by one we raised our fists, stared them down, then the moment they started speaking we all turned our backs on them. They went silent. We turned back around and the smiles and hugs were so wonderful to see in our group. The next time they started screaming hate we broke into Amazing Grace - I took the lead out front (go figure, me leading a large group singing Amazing Grace) and we drowned out the hate with song.

They tried every trick in the book and only got one guy to yell out at them when they stepped on the flag but he responded to me beautifully as I got in his face and quietly said "Drew is right behind you and he deserves your love" and this macho biker got teary eyed and said "Thank you, you don't know how hard this is" and I said "That's what makes it an even more powerful and wonderful gift you are giving all of us." and he was hugged by another biker and not another word was provoked by the hate group.

The Hate Church had a permit to be there for 90 minutes and they left after an hour, defeated. The Angels followed them as they walked to their cars and the crowd let our a huge cheer. Hate lost. Love won.

The crowds dispersed and some went back to the park and some went other places. Many returned for the Vigil in the park in the evening. A sixty foot rainbow banner was carried around Lake Eola three times. Another beautiful gathering of people supporting each other through these challenging days. Orlando really is coming together beautifully.

#OrlandoStrong #OrlandoUnited #OneOrlando #LoveIsLove #LoveWins

These were more than words today.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Cool Your Jets

Talking to the laptop. The dust inside is choking the poor beast. The aging circuits are frying as we type (as you read, sort of). The fans blow, but the heat continues to rise as there is no air-conditioning in this space. Yes, living in Florida without air conditioning. Almost as fun as living in the car through a Buffalo winter. That's Buffalo, NY, not some reference to an ancient native people's saying. Please don't die (he begs the laptop). Me too.

It's (the laptop) been shutting down suddenly over the past few days. At first I thought it was a battery issue because the battery will not longer take a full charge and the power management system seems wonky, but now I am guessing it is the power supply itself that is overheating and shutting down. Or something like that. So far, after cooling, it starts up again... ever so slowly. It is an ancient machine by industry standards. I bought it when Windows Vista was just being improved to it's second service pack. It was a multimedia cutting edge system in it's day, but the Harmon Kardon speakers are dried out and rotted and recently the sound card seemed to burn out so there is no sound. That makes being an active part of the online community challenging, even more, it makes being an active part of a community coming together challenging because I can't hear the news or other videos people are making. No TV means I am as out of touch with the world as it can get short of shutting the doors and never going out. I almost wish I could do that. But they want me to be a leader.

So I lead. I tell a group of 5,000 (and growing) people where I will be and some come out with positive signs and rainbow flags and so much love, it's beautiful. The crowd was smaller again today as the online undermining going on in the bigger group continues and there is no way to get them the message that the Admin is a traitor to the community who took up the cause for the hate group. There is a major funeral downtown Sunday and that group is being told to stay away even though the Westboro Church hate group has a permit to protest the funeral. We are hoping at least a few hundred of our people come out and are not scared away by the other groups mixed-messages.

I am not going to empower that cruel man by giving him any credibility or linkage. All I can do is offer comfort to the confused and hurting people who do come out and ask them to join the new group and spread the word that the plan to come out to all the funerals to support the families continues. I really have no explanation for that guy's actions. I just know if it is support and healing and positive energy they want, they will find it in our group and out in the community at the funerals and memorials.

Some people suck. The rest of us can still support each other.

Friday, June 17, 2016

The Best and the Worst of People

Today we stood up for another of the fallen, Juan. Juan's funeral today was just what we wanted, respectful and positive. I gave a big thank you to the group coordinators and posted much of this in the group. Juan's family and friends were so appreciative for our support, many of them they came out and hugged us with tears and praise. Juan's sister was especially thankful and hung out with us for a while cheering the cars that honked support. A torrential rain did not deter us as three of us remained through the storm and many came back after. Our group is doing a great thing for our community :)

Days later, someone sends me a link to the local paper that did a story about us standing watch and coming together for support at the funerals. The first day my friend S took the front of the crowd and I stood up the hill at the back. He kept people enthused and focused and I stood watch for trouble makers or the hate group that said they were coming to protest the funerals. You may have heard of that group. Westboro. They claim to be a church and demonstrate the absolute worst aspects of religions short of actually doing physical harm to someone. They spew hate. They show up at military funeral and gay funerals with signs that say "God Loves Dead Soldiers" and God Hates Fags" and all sorts of hate-speech. They show up at political rallies. They hide behind the bible, but their real purpose is to incite and provoke violence so they can sue vulnerable people and towns/cities. Most of the family, and the "church" is actually one big family of about 50 people, are lawyers. It is considered a cult by anyone with sense. They ask for police protection before they come and if they provoke someone with their hate speech (or stepping on the American flag), they sure the police for failing to protect them. They won six figures more than once. They won five figures from the family of a veteran because one of the family members reacted to their provocations at a funeral. I won't mention them any more because they don't deserve the attention. Our job was first to support the families.

Our first purpose for gathering is to say #lovewins and support families and mourners. Part of that support is blocking any view of their vitriol from the families and mourners. Our job is to remain calm, positive, and united in supporting the families no matter what anyone does. We succeeded well today. :)

Meanwhile, all day people were coming up to ask me what was going on in the Facebook group and because I don't have Facebook on my phone I had to say I don't know, but there were conflicting posts from the Group Administrators. When I got home after another 12 hour day out in the heat and rain, I went to the group and found I and all the other Admins were removed as Admins by one of the new Admins. No discussion, he just took the power he was given and removed everyone in the first hour he was there. More than 20,000 people joined that group in the first afternoon, including most of my friends because I invited them, and they were all confused because the message the new Admin was putting out was the opposite of why the group was formed. He told everyone not to go out to the funerals and all sorts of other nonsense. I tried to correct the message and he banned me from the group.

So one of the banned Admins created another group and 5,000 people moved to the new group. I wondered why the turnout was much lower today and was sad and angry to find out the support for the families was being undermined by some egomaniac who just took over without any plan other than to stop the support. It is possible he was a supporter of the hate group that slipped in just to undermine the community.

Whatever that guy and that group does, we will continue to support the families.

People can be so cruel.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

On The Cheap

Stopped for a 7-11 pizza for dinner which is a splurge for me these days. It gets closer and closer to the red line, financially, just about $200 away, actually, and that is a line I really did not want to cross ever again, but the purchase of the car on the basis of equal sharing of bills caused a crash in my financial empire (ha ha, you know?) when the equal sharing of bills never happened and in fact more expenses for taking care of Jackson and Happiness drained the savings even more... but we've been through all that too many times and the promises repayments have still not started so my safety net is depleted and my trust is broken and my heart is shattered and my liver is fatty and my kidneys are bloated with water sacs and my tubes are scarred from stones and my brain is tired and my muscles are not recovering well anymore and the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket and nobody really cares about me, but that's the life I've always known... we are a selfish lot, human beings...

What?... the laughter you hear is merely the madness of a child who never grew up and who refuses to take anything seriously unless held in his hands and she wants to be taken seriously... so far, he's been way too serious for anyone to stay in his hands... it's scary, feeling everything... the world outside my head cries... I am numb... laughing...

Reaching for distraction and comfort... a WaWa long john for dessert and the calories mount... the laptop is sweating... no air conditioning, age, death is coming...

would you like to swing on a star? :)

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Tearing Away

I am forcing myself to go online and tearing myself away from Facebook right now because I just woke up and do not want to do what I've been doing the past few days which is reading depressing news and reading depressing posts from so many of my Facebook friends (most of whom are local and many of whom were affected by the tragedy at the night club here because most of my Facebook friends are from the gay softball league I play in. Though that league is not playing now because there are two seasons a year and it is between seasons, many of my team and others keep in touch on Facebook. Most teams have a page and the league has a page and other leagues around the country have pages so it is a pretty big network of softball players and about 80% of them are gay/lesbian so the shooting devastated their community feeling). So I get communications regularly on Facebook that affects my actual physical life so I must check Facebook regularly if I am to keep in touch with people in this life because not everyone will text even when I tell them I don't really want to be so dependent on Facebook and really cannot access Facebook on my phone.

Tomorrow (later today) I go to the first funeral and see what I can do to help.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Irony, But It's Not About Me

This life brings many changes in many ways and it is easy to let ego make everything about me. When I was a kid getting into music songs were messages from the artist directly to me. The lyrics were mine to interpret as I saw them and songs became profound companions, even guides through life. It was illusion, perhaps delusion, but it made so much sense and provided so much emotional release, healing, catharsis, and expression that even pain, when expressed in song, was pleasure. Some may find a similar crossover in other ways, for instance sexually, but for me it was the emotional personalization of songs. Then we come to world events.

I could look at the recent writings and say all the self-pity was getting a bit much. I could see the self-indulgence of woe-is-me over the empathic way I feel everything as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders (and it is, one every ones, but few actually feel it). I could see the plea for help, the need for release and relief and as with most needs, especially emotional needs, it was all illusion. For as I was feeling the heat and needing positivity and letting go of the wheel for almost two months, the worst tragedy in the history of this city I live in happened and mst of my Facebook friends and most of the people I know in this city were very affected, many personally affected by the shooting at Pulse Nightclub.

I don't want to write about it. I want to go out and do something about it. I joined a group on Facebook and added hundred of friends to the group. We are going to go to funerals and memorials and support the families and friends who suffered direct loses.

I could personalize it and believe I was feeling the tragedy in the air. If we believe everything is connected, whether through physics or a spiritual being and that energy is real, then who is to say I can't feel it too. Who is to say any of us can if we open ourselves enough. Surely it would overwhelm the senses and drown the mind. Religions claim no one can know the mind of god and wouldn't that connective energy be something like that? Physicists and philosophers may claim not being can be so sensitive as to feel every wave and particle of energy and yet, are we not part of everything? The negative energy that culminated in forty nine deaths and even more wounded was out there and perhaps it is just ego creative a delusion that it was somehow affecting me before the acts and events occurred. Who knows.

But it's not about me. It is about lives lost and people suffering. It is about families mourning. It is about a community in shock. It is about a world in deep delusional divisions that create fear and hatred and violence. It is about what we can do to help make it a little better.

I may catch up on this blog somewhere down the road, but I may be gone for a while. Whatever the reason I started the pause in the writing a few days before the tragic events that now will change my daily life for at least a few weeks, the one and I can ponder one day (you can too, as you wish). Life is not about me right now. No worries, I will surely be back to my egocentric whining and lamenting and complaining and wondering sooner or later (writing is my way, after all), but I will be elsewhere til tomorrow, whenever tomorrow comes.

Namaste and love and peace and be good to yourself.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

For J

This entry will be written and re-written more than a few times, no doubt, for J deserves that and there is not enough time tonight thank her as I would like to. Exceprts from letters she's inspired this year will appear in the blog world where they belong and I shall link them here as soon as there is time to edit and upload and link and continue this entry. For the moment, yay J and the correspondence we share.






Saturday, June 11, 2016

Needing Positivity

A group of friends who used to be like family a couple of years ago who I met through meetup board games groups have drifted off, splitting into factions over conflicts and judgments and except for a small group who are bound together by high levels of emotional neediness and some depression (and that is fine when I am in "therapist" mode but it is an unhealthy group of people to interact with individually when I am down myself because their personal interactions work on a 'misery loves company' foundation and that not only repulses me instinctively but it is annoying when I am seeking positivity. Not good for anyone when my patience is thin. Experiencing their rush of adrenaline when I am down is quite unpleasant {being an empathic child is not always fun}. I wonder if you know what I mean) and another small rather sedentary group who eat too much (especially of the meat fat snack food group) and play cards and games and do not do much else. Thank goodness for softball, even without real friends or a partner.

So while I really enjoy the cards, I need a new group of friends or at least one or more new friends who are more positive and the one person I've met recently is somewhat depressed herself after a 17 year marriage broke up so I seem to be finding it challenging to meet positive people and am coming closer to the conclusion that everyone in this world today is depressed enough to be more depressed than I am or ever get and maybe that is because my pool of people is older than ever or maybe it's me and that is a depressing spiral I really do not want to get any closer to than I already am.


That was moderately cathartic :)

Thursday, June 9, 2016

The Heat

Yes, the heat is getting hot. I sense a narf coming on. The heat is hot. Cold it is not. See Jane run. Who remembers Spot?


Well that was quick. So where did you go to school, Canada? Ok, remember Mr. Mugs, then? Fans (yes, they have fans {though I agree with R.R. and the Doctor and other critics, m'ok?}, believe it or not) who love and collect them and for the older generations (long before reading is fundamental), even obsession happened and of course the religion was predomenent. What was sometimes evident was no content. There are so many interesting concepts for books, maybe, after all. Are we digressing much?

Yes, the heat is hot. The humidity from the low pressure storm that passed over the past few days (just the outer bands, nothing like what I would call a storm) is profound as the sun came out and baked the drenched landscape. No air conditioning is going to make for quite a lot of heat and humidity in here this summer. Hot heat. Hot humid heat. I have four fans set up (no ceiling fan), one three incher just for the laptop, one three incher for under the laptop aimed between my legs, one six incher aimed at the center of the bed, and one nine incher aimed at me wherever I might be in the room. It's not smart enough to follow me around, but I can move and adjust it. I may end up getting one of those two foot standing fans before long depending on how hot it gets in this space.

So what else is new?

The briefer blog has been sorely neglected this week, in case it matters. The title says it all, in case you didn't notice. In case it matters, too. Sometimes I am happy and positive and independent and feeling like well I'll just leave these words here for anyone to read in case it matters to someone someday that I existed and some days I am in case it matters, like anyone cares and the past week has bounced from one extreme to the other. I mean, in case my moods and well-being matters, aye?

Who has the time? Who cares? And all that jazz. But since we asked, for instance, anyone who clicked on all of the links in the first paragraphs has the time. Anyone who actually read something worth sharing in each of the links in the first paragraphs cares. Anyone actually sharing something meaningful about the content of the links in the first paragraphs should apply for sainthood. That was a semi-joke. Actually, I would love someone who did the third step of sharing to call and discuss whatever they would like to discuss, even if it isn't one of those links in the first paragraphs. And then there's this.

Stop beating my heart around, m'ok?

So it would seem, or even appear, that the sardonic sarcastic biting irreverence is about tonight. Morbid, even, in spots (at least they didn't say kill Spot, I mean, Spot was an innocent victim in all that, I mean, in case it matters). When you reach the point of Zing (whether it's heart strings or mental floss), you have made some sort of connection and if you are not perturbed or otherwise offended, you may even be a friend. Just don't show up in sheep's clothing or we might consider giving you a flea bath before entry. Out, out danged spot. See Ikea for no apparent reason.

This could turn into an epic, maybe even a classic, if I decided to care less and believe tonight, or something in that vein, but I don't know if I feel like bleeding all over the place given the heat. I am feeling itchy in spite of a long hot shower before the nap from with I just woke in mid entry (the links and additional paragraphs from all that jazz on might have a slightly different flavor as the self-pity ration to irreverence has altered somewhat and if that is still noticeable after all the links and other insertions, well, I've certainly failed in a task I never actually set out to do. That's what I get for painting the target after the arrow lands without actually shooting an arrow, or something like that.

What arrow? Who's arrow? See arrow run. Wait, maybe we see arrow fly. That might have been what was wrong with the arrow, The arrow that would not fly. It had a wood knot in it, or some such nonsense that makes sense only if you want it to and if you do, you can take one giant step to the side to try on a different perspective and if you like what you see, you may be able to come forward at the tone. Especially if you remember the copper as it is hot, blazing sun, no bare bottomed little girls without lots of lotion. I'll put the lotion on myself, thank you.

Oh, now before we go about getting all nostalgic (or just plain weird with a hot face and all), remember that even a sarcastic irreverent slap-happy legend in her own mind can surprise you with seriousness now and then... and no, I don't mean me this time, but we can use the royal we just for the fun of it, even if we lose interest or appear to just because life got too busy and we disappear from the internet for a year (nudge nudge wink wink).

I seem to be tossing a lot of dirt around and maybe some drama, but where are the details you might ask (in case it matters, right?) and I might point out that the links have much detail but we refer to the life I am living, not the distractions I've been tossing in as freely as any metaphor you might want to insert here (make it good, ok?). It was the heat, I tell ya, the heat got to him and he just cvouldn't concentrate or remember or function.

Maybe it's because we haven't left the house in days, except to head to Curly's for cards Tuesday night. Saturday night was the last previous siting of outdoors. That is largely due to Colin who came in and got him all wet, but also due to the mood of the hermit that has dominated this week. Also noted just moments ago and even earlier when we woke and most prominently in the shower before the long nap was the weakness of muscles in the upper arms and the thought of exercise stirred up again but more concerning is the thought that the muscles just seem to weaken and the body just seems to tired more easily than ever before and we are wondering if that is a sign of disease being neglected because there is no health insurance or money or if we are dying faster than ever before or if that is just the human aging process (did I mention the hair has been thinning for the last few years, I mean, the hair has always shed but the replacement hairs are not growing back the way they used to... I contemplate rogain, but read that like too many drugs these days, once you start you must continue forever or hair falls out even faster so I don't start... the muscle fatigue is much more concerning)... sigh... in case it matters and all.

More box openings, that's what I need.

Later :)

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Keep Your Lap (and top) Clean (part two)

Wow, two parenteses in the title, that's a rarity. Collector's item? Only if you are collecting rare and meaningless blog posts and if you are, welcome to the madness we can call BAA, Blog Addicts Anonymous (cuz we like BAA better that BA or BAH, Humbug... or something like that, he says sheepishly... get it?). Yes, so the previous entry must be part one (like there is a rule or something?) and the entry before that may be why I was prompted to spend hours and hours doing the cleaning and defragging and such and such in the first place because I could have sworn it was a long entry paused when I fell asleep and it somehow disappeared so I blame the cluttered computer (or I could be making all that up). It's a madhouse, a madhouse, I tell ya!

So now we are up to the pictures (or photos, though some may be images and some gifs and some memes and some, well, you get the point) and there are 28,163 files occupying 8.93 GB and the computer says it will take many hours (up to 21 hours at one point... I wonder if that time estimate for data transfers will ever be accurate in the Windows world (as in OS). In any case, I am not sure how many I might delete as I've reached a point where 128 GB are free which is about 40% of the drive. I will defrag again after downloding another folder or two and see what happens.

Next up are the two Downloads folders. I forget why I have two. I think some program created one some time back and I may have deleted that program. Or maybe it's Winzip as the three files in one of the folders are zip files. Anyway, the main Dowload folder has 113 files and 0.97 GB and the other one has 3 files and 96 KB. Right after that I will copy the Documents folder which contains 3337 files in 18.2 GB which will take some time so this will likely continue into tomorrow, but this entry will remain rambling on.

I found a lot more in Publc Videos as apparently Amazon sets up shop there and another 180 files in 24.8 GB were copied and the external drive has almost 200 GB of videos, music, software downloads, and documents now. I started to download AppData which has a whopping 235,567 files in just 5.7 GB (though the transfer box said it has 128,769 in 5.57 GB so something reading something wrong) but halfway through there was some error and the transfer stopped. That doesn't matter so much as I am not deleting anything in the AppData folder.

When all was said and done, I defragged both drives and found my laptop not has 186 GB of free space. I wonder if it feels better and will run better now. If only I could lose wieght that fast lol.

Meanwhile Windows Update keeps bugging me to download updates for stuff when Microsoft no longer supports Windows Vista. The two latest are for Windows 10 and Microsoft Office Outlook 2007 and I don't use either on this laptop so am on the verge of turning off Windows Update notifications.

Old computers, sigh.

At least it's mostly clean and healthy now. The $60 Auslogics program tells me there are other errors, probably registry entries for software long removed, but I am not spending $60 to do any more. It is what it is, a laptop going on ten years old and in this day and age, that is a dinosaur, but I love my little dinosaur.

Take care of your dinosaur and you too, m'ok? :)

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Keep Your Lap (and top) Clean

Well, clearing and defragging the hard drive, at least. Without a back up computer in case something goes wrong, I will stop myself from opening the case and taking a blower or brush to the inside even though it likely needs it desperately because it gets so hot I need to keep a fan blowing on it from the side all the time. I ran Windows Defrag. Then I ran Auslogic Defrag which always finds more fragmented files immediately after Windows Defrag runs. Now I have heard that the Defrag that comes with Windows is not very good, but I also wonder if finding fragmented files is the Auslogic way of keeping the user happy. It is a free program, but it then does a scan and trows up all sorts of warnings about wasted space and registry errors and assorted other what-not. It recommends fixing the stuff it finds and clicking on the Fix link takes you to the Auslogic website inviting you to download the software that will fix it, also free to download. So I downloaded Auslogic Boost 8.2 and let it clean up the jumk files. It cleaims it freed up more than 2 GB of disk space, but the disk has the same about of free space as it did before this process started.

Anyway, I ran the Defrag again after the clean up and it found more fragmented files. Wait, what's this? Auslogic just started scanning my laptop on it's own. I stopped it and read the manual and changed the schedule from daily at 3pm to weekly at 4am. Sheesh, the nerve of software designers to think they own the computer just because you use their software. Ok, where were we?

I ran the defrag twice and now I am finally moving files to an external hard drive so they can be deleted. It's gonna take a while. Half hour or more just for the video files. 41.5 GB, 879 files. USB 2.0 is not the fastest, but it's an old hard laptop and an even older external (2007). That alone will double the free space on the laptop hard drive. I connected another old external and that one was not recognized, which is a bummer as it may mean the external is kaput. Wonder what is on it.

Meanwhile, to find three external hard drives, I searched two boxes. Good to know I know where most everything is, though I can't find the box of games. I thought I used two big bins for my games but I may have used one big bin and two small bins because I searched all the big bins and just found one with games. I'm going to bring them to Curly's since the only time I'll play them is there for a while. Some are new in wrapper so I may want to give those as gifts down the road. There are hundreds of dollars worth of games in the box. Maybe I should just give them to Curly as a bunch of gifts for letting me stay here for free. Seems reasonable, though I cringe at my poverty.

The video files are almost 75% copied and the external drive is getting quite warm. I found the one time I used it (in fact, the reason I bought it) was to copy Precious' files to back them up for her because her computer needed to go to the shop. That was back in 2008 and I forgot all about it lol. She probably did too. Some great music and fun stuff on that drive.

So the copying process is about 80% completed now. After the videos I'll move all the music. The laptop has no audio for now, so I don't need all those files taking up space, especially when the laptop is no longer portable because the battery won't last five minutes unplugged.

Looking outside, the sun is shining so there is a chance I will be playing softball tonight. Coachess (who coaches the Friday night team) asked me to fill in for her husband on her Tuesday night team tonight. So I shall skip cards and dinner (I gave Curly $20 toward this week's dinner, but I eat there for more than $20 worth over the course of time so it's all good. I should nap as I've been awake since around midnight. I laid down after going through a few boxes (I got the bug to start unpacking more again after finding the hard drives) but did not sleep. The brain can be so dumb when it's tired, regirgitating and runinating and suffocating itself.

The music is starting to be copied now. 52.6 GBm 6,389 files. Should take an hour. Hope it doesn't overheat the external. I may pause here as it is time to check out the evening activities, softball or cards, depending on the weather. Remember, keep your lap and drive clean :)

Narf :)

The "C" Storm

Rain rained out the softball tonight which was not the worst thing because I woke around midnight and was crashing around 3pm and took a nap and when the alarm went off at 6pm I was happy to see the rainout notification on the phone so I just rolled over and fell back to sleep for another five or six hours or so.

There was a lot more to this entry in my memory so either I dreamed I wrote a long a babbly entry or I wrote a long and babbly entry and blogger or the computer ate it. Maybe I pushed the wrong button before I fell asleep. Maybe there was a power failure as it has been stormy around here. In any case, we missed a wonderful entry, no doubt.

The storm named Colin is bringing lots of rain to the area and some serious thinder is waking people up about now. This was a lazy day and an even lazier evening. Rain will sometimes do that, but I am also stagnating a bit and feeling the slide coming on (that slippery slope toward the abyss of sorrow and self-pity and all that depressive jazz. I don't take it seriously anymore because I never seem to stay there, but without the audio on the laptop there are fewer creative distractions and that is a sadness.

Maybe it will motivate me to finally get back to unpacking boxes and setting the CDs out on shelves so they are more accessible and deealing the the PTSD and sorrow that comes with unpacking alone and sorting through bozes of paper and stuff which for me are memories.

I need a good storm :)

Monday, June 6, 2016

And Then He Slept

It was about 5am when I finally fell asleep after the long Saturday of softball and games and night lights and treats and all the stresses and dreams seemed to be somewhere else as I slept and slept and slept and slept (yes, woke four times for the pee breaks and somehow remembered to take my BP meds during two of them... not sure I even opened my eyes) and didn't actually lay in bed wake until just moments ago. That would be about twenty hours of sleep in total. Longest sleep I've had in a few years, at least. The body obviously overrode the mind on this particular Sunday and it was gone. Never even saw daylight. Feels really good.

Unfortunately the bowel movement after all that sleep with minimal water and all that bread-meat food the day before opened the fissure and it is time to get some Prep-H cuz the home remedies were only a patch. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow. For now, it's clean well, eat right, and drink much water. I must shop for some food tomorrow as I only have sandwich foods in the house and need to get yogurt and a few other things too. Low cost, remember, dangit.

After that much sleep I am not hungry as the body is in hibernation mode, but I will eat something a bit later. Likely the half of Meatball Sub left over, though there is one yogurt left so I will have that first. Drink water. Also chocolate milk. Juices and fruits are just so dang expensive. Maybe it's time to explore the book banks. Sheesh, haven't been to one of those in sseventeen years. Except for the tours they gave when I was in an administrative role for the non-profit. I wonder if they will remember me. Tacts and honesty, that's all we can do.

Actually, just checking their website, I don't qualify because I am not destitute yet. Seems irrational to not help someone heading there, but I still have too much savings to qualify for free food. Besides, I'm still too fat to be asking for any free food (yes, laughter abounds when the belly is round).

So that is what happened Sunday. Sleep, sleep, and more sleep. And then more sleep.

Hope you had fun too :)

Sunday, June 5, 2016

So I Treated Myself

Yes, happy to be alive. Five or ten (or maybe less) minutes later and I might be in the hospital or no longer among the living. It was a very busy night for local emergency services as I was driving home from Curly's place. First, I passed five local cop cars lined up across from an adult night club and restaurant (known for really great steaks) with all their lights flashing (the police cars around here are light ornate xmas trees) and a few minutes later those same local cops are wizzing by me and into a parking lot to, I found out later, get to a bar fight. Then, a few miles further, one of the biggest intersections in this area is blocked off completely from all four directions by more than a dozen emergency vehicles (four fire trucks, four ambulances, at least ten county police cars, and a couple or few supervisor SUVs) and I see car parts, including an engine, sitting on the road about twenty feet from the largest collection of car parts, and I am re-routed.

Being the curious sort who does not take detours that keep me from my appointed rounds lightly, I circled around the intersection taking a photos or two (though the camera battery was near gone so not much came out) and viewed the scene from each corner parking lot (malls on all four corners, yes, one of those ten lane by ten lane intersections). When I got to the fourth corner which was where I was intending to go (a simple left turn was made by turning right, then U-Turning, then turning into a gas station in front of a mall to turn right again, then U-turning, then turning into a mall to turn right again, then U-turning, then turning into the parking lot of a larger mall that lead to the bank on the corner, my destination). All this while I am driving home from Curly's.

I spoke with a couple of odd fellows just standing off to the side in the bank parking lot and they told me they were witnesses so they were waiting for the police paperwork because at least one of them may have had some tired damage as the accident happened right in front of him and his one week old car tires might be no longer new. He also had to wait for the local cops who had juristiction but they were tied up at the bar fight. From his eye witness account, a large SUV was stopped for a traffic stop and the cop just finished the transaction and pulled away. Apparently pissed off, the SUV driver peeled out into a major intersection, broadsiding a passenger car.

The odd fellow described it as an explosion and parts flew in all directions, including the engine. His voice took on the tone of Arlo Guthrie for a moment as he explained about all the various car parts going in all the different directions (nerds are such wonderful storytellers) creating the detailed debrie field that was mostly blocked now by all the emergency vehicles and how hungry he was because he had just finished his part time job which is taking drunks home from local bars and he was hoping to get to taco bell before they closed. I let him know there was one less than a mile away and it was open until 4am and he was very appreciative. He explained how they had to cut off the top of the car and use the jaws of life on both vehicles to get the people out and to everyone's amazement, everyone was conscious. Four were taken to the local emergency room by ambulance and one actually walked away, wobbly, but was able to climb out of the passenger window on his own. There was oil and gas sprewed everywhere and a live power line down, which is why so many fire trucks were out. The power company was there too.

Well, all that excitement did not go unrewarded (sarcasm, in case you missed it). I stopped at WaWa and got a meatball sub with extra cheese, tomatoes, roasted red pepers, and a smear of sun-dred tomato spread. Also purchased a long john, a star shaped donut, and a half gallon of chocolate milk. Total ridiculous irresponsibility and self-indulgence but by then I had been awake for way more than 24 hours and away from home for almost 24 hours and so judgment was anything but crystal clear. Ate half the sandwich and drank some chocolate milk and passed out in the recliner.

I will insert another entry in dated before this one to actually provide the day and evening summary cuz there is more to share as this just covered the last two hours of the long day away from home.

If we're not having fun with words yet, try standing on your head and humming nights in white satin. :)

Make every moment of your life fun and exciting and meaningful, m'ok? :)

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Away From Home

Not far away, but just not home so this is a catch up kind of entry cuz the next entry just got long and had way too much excitement to conclude it with these mundane details of an ordinary busy Saturday. So I woke after naps, if you recall (and if you don't, that's what the link is for) and may or may not have tried to insert a bit of organization in a mostly discombobulated mind (dream unwind, that's a state of mind), but as it turned out, I kind left that process in mid-stream for what I believe might have been sleep as I had a very busy day planned for today. Or else it must have seen a squirrel or something shiney.

Anyway, the night before I was awake all night playing Bridge, Chess, Ruzzle omg, I just realize I skipped a day of Ruzzle so I am probably no longer in first place in the weekly tournament... what a calamity, aye?... I'll be back, I may have a few minutes more to play today so I don't miss two whole days... well, I am back.... I moved into second place for the week by taking first place for today... I had a really big lead before I forgot about it and skipped a couple of days... busy away from home, what a tragedy, aye?), and whatever on the computer and with a long Saturday ahead, I needed sleep.

So are we catching up on Saturday yet?...

A-hem, well, I woke whenever I woke. Middle of the night, most likely. Went out to the fields and played with the seniors. Not too good, I must say. I seem to absorb the energy around me and play to the team's level. Must address that with the brain. After fielding and batting practice, pitching for the batting practice, and two games with the seniors I paused waiting for the Saturday team to arrive because we had a practice scheduled with them. While waiting I tolked to one of the two females who come out for softball and I could have swore I wrote about this somewhere... but anyway, she is returning to the game after a long time away and is a mousy type personality because her social life before now was her husband and three kids (mid-teens now) and she realized she wanted more (as she said, she lived in a closet for 17 years) and she is now recently divorced and timidly stepping out. Not that timidly, though, as we exchanged numbers and she asked if she could take me out for coffe or something as I mentioned somewhere in our conversation that I don't like alcohol. She said she doesn't either, but I get the sense she wants to get drunk and lose herself at least once now that she is out of the closet, so to speak.

I had to head out for more drinks, so I excused myself from our conversation and picked up more drinks. She was hanging out with a few of the other seniors and the only other female who came out and I sat and talked with them for a bit until it was time for the Saturday team's practice. There were four of us at first, including me and the coach and we both just played for three straight hours. The coach is a control freak type so he did a lot of the pitching so he could give instruction to the two players who showed up. Those two are in the program he runs in his professional life. I've got a feeling I may be sitting a lot since he things he is the greatest pitcher ever, even though he said he will coach from the sidelines mostly and his teams, with him as the pitcher, never made it into the top three (out of five) the last four or five seasons since I've been playing on Saturdays. The ego is way ahead of the skills, if you know what I mean.

After six hours of softball in the blistering heat (the sun was brutal out there without a cloud in the sky until the last half hour we were out there... I drank about a hundred ounces of gatorade and water so i survived), I headed down to Curly's place. I collapsed on the couch and moments later Curly's mom, who I sometimes call Momma and sometimes call Flower in the blogs, arrived to play games with us (Curly's son, Chico, was there for the weekend... Curly has him every other weekend or so, but he'll be with Curly a lot more now that school is out... I believe he is 13 y/o and can play all the card and board games we play, so he plays with us sometimes and other times plays his online video games). We play Rummikub and I won the first game and Chico won one the second game one move before I was going out so he had fun and I think we all did.

Somewhere in that time zone the cat, who we will call Quasimoto, entered the house for the first time. Quasimoto was once a house cat based on how affectionate she is, but she's been living outdoors for some time based on how wary and strong she is. For the last couple of weeks she has been attracted to Curly's place probably because Curly puts traps out for the possums, raccoons, and other wild critters that inhabit his neighborhood. He takes the caught critters to a big wooded area about five miles away and releases them. Well Quasimoto observed the trapping for weeks and never went for the bait in the trap. Smart one, that Quasimoto is. She moved in under Curly's truck about two weeks ago after it seems a dozen or so different critters were trapped and relocated and it was getting a bit quieter out there. For the past week, she's started moving closer to Curly and others when we were outside and a few days ago she started rubbing legs. She came to the door and sat on the stopp today and Curly put out a bowl of water and another bowl of tuna. She carefully sniffed around for a while and sat with Flower and finally took some of the tuna from the bowl down the steps to eat it. about an hour later she came inside and explored. She laid down in the middle of the floor and was home.

That's when Flower headed out and Curly and I ran a few errands while Chico played his online games. Curly had to make some keys for one of his houses and we stopped at a local wholesale food place, Gordons, to pick up food as they had ground beef on sale for $1.79 a pound (19% fat, which is fine on the grill) and some other stuff. Then we headed back to his place to put the pizza he bought at Costco in the oven and Excel and Elton and Mystery (Elton's partner) arrived for games. We played Apples to Apples for a while, then Excel had to leave because she had her daughter with her and we played something else (mind's a blank on that one).

Quasimoto asked to go out and comeback in a couple of times and Curly was super attentive. She decided to stay out on his back porch after a while and that's where she was when I left. That brings us to the drive home and all the excitement of the next entry.

You've loved every minute of it, right?

lol lam narf :)

After Naps

I seem to be indulging in a lot of naps lately. Awake for six hours, sleep for four, awake another eight hours, sleep for six, and various other patterns make up the twenty four hour day. After naps I am rested and restless at the same time, the body is mostly rested, the mind is mostly restless because I am waking up remembering dreams and the dreams are not the frivolous fantasy stuff I am used to remembering in thos rare times I remember dreaming. Typically throughout this life I might remember a dream a year, or two, if that much. Lately I recalled three which is exceptional for me. I vaguely remember them now, only the feeling and theme that was consistent. Abuse or abandobment. The story of the PTSD of this life as I've know it.

In one dream someone was trying to provoke me to physically fight with threats. In the most recent just ow, some of the the Sunday softball team were playing in a tournament in our uniforms without me and I wasn't sure why. That is obviously a reaction to my feelings about not being able to go to the World Series with them unless someone steps up and lets me stay in their hotel room for free and count me as a rider in their car. Obviously that is on my mind lately as I would usually have my flight, room, and transportation all booked by now and I am typically one of the drivers who rents one of the cars. Others usually go the economical depend on others route that I would need this time.

ok, so I paused to stop the loop and added Facebook to the mix. I feel like I need a shower. The world is such a sick placeespecially politically. So much corruption and greed and so little sensitivity and caring. It didn't help that the laptop slowed to a crawl so I finally shut it down and rebooted and the hard drive just kept spinning like mad even after the reboot. Whatever it does, it slows me down. I suppose I ought to move 90% of the photos i have to an external hard drive since I am relatively stationary in this space with this laptop. The battery would not last five minute. Then I can defrag and perhaps the drive will run smoother. The CPU gets overwhelmed sometimes when I have three bbrowsers open but unfortunately, they are not being updated or suported anymore so some browsers work on some pages and don't work on others. Chrome is still the best for Gmail as IE9 doesn't work on that or YuoTube. Firefox is my choice for Facebook because the old account is in Chrome. Blogger works best in IE9, though no playback there. Since I don't have audio, I can't check playback anyway so. It's a patchwork quilt of ancient parts.

I read a very long group chat and it turns out the team is working hard on raising money for so everyone can go to the tournament. I am a little more hopeful, but if I get a job and can't get the week off, that would be a decision I'd have to make. I'd leave a crap temporary job but not a good one. Meanwhile, at the moment there are no responses to the resumes I sent out and no interviews set up. Maybe I should call the assistant to the EEK Tech job back, but it's probably filled. Stop it, you're bringing me down.

So I am giving up some controls and letting the mind become haunted by negative thinking. If Jackson was around, she's point that out quick. Since she really never had time (or interest) in getting close enough to help though, her absence is not a factor in my mental states. Except to miss the companionship, distraction, occasional shared TV viewing and meals, and taking care of her which took my focus off me. Who cares, he asks with a smile, again (let me count the ways, aye?). It is something to occupy the time.

There was a lot more on my mind when I woke after the nap, but the wandering away...

Friday, June 3, 2016

Yummy Lunch

Though I do see what critics say about Pickles is true, their pastrami is not as juicy as it could be and that is especially noticeable because they cut it thick. It is not fatty though, which is why but the lack of fat has a plus side. Especially lacking is that hard to chew fat that drags the meat from the sandwich because it is not easily bitten through. None of that in the Rachel sandwich I just devoured. Just not the juiciest pastrami possible (a New Yorker is rarely satisfied outside of New York and not always satisfied in New York).

Rachel sandwich (pastrami, melted swiss, saukraut) with potato salad, cole slae, assorted pickles, a potato knish, and an egg cream. Jackson had the same minus the egg cream. I got to take home hald of Jackson's food cuz she went right to a haircut appointment so I have food for later too. Fat fat fat, but oh so yummy. Keeping in touch with people in the real world seems to make me fat. I want to laugh, but it's really kind of sad.


So we spent an hour together. I asked a lot of questions catching up on her life. She seemed ok, though reached for her phone when the questions got close to sensitive areas. We didn't talk about me at all, which is probably for the best. I'm the invincible big brother figure in her life I guess, close friend who knows all her secrets and can show no flaws. I can only imagine it must be nice to have someone like that. Don't be sad, cuz two out of three... or something like that.

Back to my hot box until evening softball. Hopefully it will cool off out there by then. Summer is gere and the days are long and hot. The food was yummy. I think I feel a nap coming on. :)

Dark Day Finances

Yes, so as I was saying, I woke up early again and while I felt tired enough to sleep, the stressful thoughts about money pounded in my head (not pain, just disturbance) so I sat up to play Ruzzle and did well there and then I came to the computer and decided to check on my bank reports. Not great. There is not enough in my primary checking or savings to pay off the car and going into emergency funding, well, not only is it stressful, but I am not sure if there is enough there and that is the scary part. I still remember having that serious conversation with Jackson about her paying her share of the bills. I looked at her and asked if she could. I told her I would not buy the new car if she thought in any way she could not. She assured me several times that she would start paying her share. That was February 2014. She never did make any consistent monthly contribution and between bills for Happiness and other things, I just kept depleting my savings. She simply does not manage money well and I was who I am, spending my money to take care of my family. That is why I am where I am today, financially unable to retire.

Feel free to send donations to me at PO Box 162843, Altamonte Springs, FL 32716. No amount is too small. No amount is too big either. Wait, I am serious. I've been giving money to others all through this life. Someone in this world must be generous too. I know generous people are out there, I just don't know any with the means to actually help me (beyond the huge help Curly is giving). I'd like to keep the car. I am worth it, really.

Back to reality (the fantasy of someone helping me financially has been fruitless for me in this life in spite of my generosity when I have the luxury of having a lot... my financial ups and downs have been quite the roller coaster with peaks in the sven figures and valleys virtually penniless... I don't want to be penilless again but I am heading in that direction... I must love roller coasters way too much for my own good... he says with a weak smile). So I spent a few hours accessing all the information online (and got disconnected by phone after long waits) and the news sucks. I have enough money to pay off my car if I do not eat anymore. Stop laughing, it's not funny. Stupid peanut gallery. Grump grump.

Ok, seriously, I must find income before the end of the year or I will be losing something. Turning off the phone would save $50 a month. The storage bill is still $140 a month. It would tear me apart to give up on seeing that stuff in storage again after keeping it there for 20 years. More stupid, perhaps. I am what I am. Gas to Curly's and Excel's and softball is running about $80 a month. I may need to cut out the card and games trips, those are the bulk of the mileage. I would not be able to do it without a car anyway. Spending that money driving that could lead to to potentially losing the car is the kind of stupid I can stop. Loneliness looms like a tsunami. Oh, the drama. Oh, the emo.

Speaking of emo, food costs must be cut to a bare minimum. That sucks on so many levels. Cheap food is not often healthy food. Cheap food is usually high in calories. Food is my emotional therapy. I am fucked. If that word offends and keps you from sending your donation, I profusely and profoundly apologize and will repent in any way you choose. Please be kind. :)

The world series trip in August looks like it is not happening for me unless the team wants me there enough to pay my way. I get no response from the coach or assistant on that and I've mentioned it every time the subject comes up. I don't even want to go on the team Facebook page (heck Facebook overall depresses me so I haven't beem there in a week in spite of almost getting excited about creating new pages). The interaction is so superficial, even among people I know. It reminds me of how superficial we've let our lives become in this modern commercial culture. Curly has not been on FB in years and I definitely understand why. It is a vacuum allowing people to detach and be butterflies flitting from interaction to interaction without making any deeper lasting meaning out of life. Maybe that is what blogging is about as well, like life, it can all be gone in a moment. At least eye contact and physical space offers more in each moment.

Woah, this entry is growing darker by the minute.

I'll pause now.

Long Day, Good Cards

Catching up with yesterday, it was a very long day with Curly helping him with all sorts of stuff. Heavy lifting and profuse sweating was part of it. We unloaded the heavy pipes and industrial fan and stuff from his trailer in the hotters part of the day. I am finding I am getting woozy from the heavy lifting work in the heat. Whether that is age, being out of shape, or the side effects of the blood pressure medications (I believe it is more the latter than anything else), it sucks to be short of breath. Being a long distance runner throughout this life, that experience/sensation is quite new to me and it seriously sucks (no pun intended) to have to be sucking in air and feeling light headed.

Adding numbers and driving around with him to places was part of it. We picked up his big riding mower, all fixed. We stopped at a couple of banks (though I didn't get to mine), stopped at a few of his buildings to see prospective tenants and talk to others. One apartment was rented, and a few other things. We had lunch at the $4.99 Pizza Hut Buffet. It sucked. Way too much bread, not enough sheese, and terrible choices in toppings. No salad bar. One peperonni pizza and one plain cheese pizza in the 40 minutes we spent there. The pies were dried out like they'd been sitting around a while even when they were brought out. The manager needs to learn a lot about food preparation, serving, and customer service. I definitely blew any chance of dropping wieght for the whole week with that one dumb move (and I've been eating 500 calories a day for several days). Sigh, I must find more will power and good sense.

After the day, we showered and headed to Excel and the Commodore's for dinner and cards. It was the best night I've had, especially the last round (16, 17, 18, and 20 points in four consecutive hands... the 18 bids always stump me because they are between 1 No Trump and 2 No Trump). Commodore just threw his cards down on the last hand, giving up. Alas, winning is far from everything and that made it much less fun, but I just played the cards dealt to me and they were great hands most of the night.

I headed home and fell asleep playing Ruzzle. I am am the leader on the second day.

So what's going on in your world? :)

Thursday, June 2, 2016

I Was Here (Expanded Edition)

Referencing the previous entry as well as this other entry (there, shameless plugging accomplished, level up), I will always be here as long as the planet and cosmos allows the internet to exist and google allows this blog to remain online. I wonder what their long term plan for these blogs might be, if they have one. Like what is the expiration date set for future generations. Will they endlessly expand their storage capabilities to retain blogs of previous generations no matter what volume of babbling nonsense the blogs might contain (like this one, for instance... or any of these, in case it matters)? Someday, especially if motivated by someone who wants to help, I want to print out every blog and then they will be on shelves somewhere for as long as the printed word lasts. Or in a box. Or in a landfill. Everything ends up in the ground somewhere someday, even us.

Well that turned dark fast lol. I suppose the title could be taken as a final entry, but there are final entries prepared for automatic uploaded on October 31st of each year (I change the year some time prior to that date so it does not get uploaded). Here is an example of the one in the previous daily blog:

i died... sigh (oh wait, no more sighs... the body breathes no more)... the flesh is deceased... the body kicked the bucket... ceased to be among the living... non-existent in human form... passed on... away... [insert your most comforting euphemism]... not alive... dead...

i did not know how else to break the news... i mean, since the fingers are not moving anymore... i had to find a way to let you know i will no longer be here without being here...

google/blogger/blogspot (thanks) provided a way... see, this was a scheduled post and if i do not reschedule this post, it will automatically be uploaded... unless the auto post feature didn't work, in which case, nevermind... i've already rescheduled it a couple of times over the years... we ought to be prepared for the inevitable, right?... so just in case i forgot to reschedule this post before it was automatically uploaded and am still breathing (ooops), i will write something better tomorrow, or as soon as i notice (in case i abandoned blogging for some reason or left the online blogging habit completely, which is not likely but anything is possible), i mean, if i did not die... with profuse apologies for the premature report, of course... but if i did die...

i just wanted to say i love you one more time...

i love you one more time...

so long, and thank you for the love :)

Wow, how utterly brief. I'd expect an epic rambling blog post that critics would be debating for years "Genius!" ... "Amazing!" ... "It Sucks!" (Harry and I will be laughing at the last one or so we hope). I should get some sort of award for all this time and energy. Maybe a Nobel Prize for Wasting Time lol... ah, but it's life and my life and playing with the words is a big part of my life and I love playing with the words so, I am my own prize. :)

This will likely continue another time...

But for now, as I said briefly in the breif blog, yesterday was a wonderfully restful day of writing and playing games and a healthy low calorie tasty dinner all by myself here in this little space. Sitting was not painful and only got uncomfortable after what I'd consider an appropriate period for normal pressures so life improves again. Healing is a good thing. Today I ought to tidy up around here, but I will be heading to Curly's to help him with some heavy work (unloading those pipes and other stuff we loaded on to his trailer over the weekend, among other things) and then we will head to Excel and the Commodore's for Bridge. So time for a shower and then, out until tomorrow. :)

Make today spectacular! :)

Hope your day smiles for you :)

Games and Dinner and Rest

Today was a sleep day as noted in a previous entry. Mellow and not down and no guilt or shame or pressing panic about lounging around and letting the body find it's own circadian rhythm. I think the lack of pressure from Curly who is giving me this place to stay for just helping him with his various jobs (physical work, but good for the body as long as I pace myself) has helped me past my own pressure to find income. If not for the car payments, I'd be in a pretty good place because all those car payments would stay in the bank (and all past payments would have put $20K more in the bank. Alas, I have a reliable vehicle and that is very important, but I bought it and spent money as if I had a partner sharing expences and as we know, Jackson never did actually share expenses and even now... sigh.

Wednesday does seem to still be the day of the week where I get introspective and real within my self and the good news is the depressing thoughts are dissippating and the acceptance is blooming and the positivity grows all around that.

Tonight I played Chess and actually lost a game, the first in many months or longer, and no big deal. No negative thinking. Self-esteem still rising. I played Bridge for a while to continue learning. The computer brindge game says it follows American standard rules for bidding but it gets pretty cobfusing with some of it's bidding and play. Either that or the computer partner simply sucks. The opponents, however, apparently can see each other's hand and maybe all four hands because they are almost never finessed. Definitely flaw in the bidding and game play that makes it unrealistic for learning much beyond a bigginer level.

I played Words with Friends on the phone with Jackson and Siskel. Both of those games are just a half dozen or so words started. I played Ruzzle for the first time in more than a week and am sitting in first place on the first day. Tournaments start the first day of play and I guess they gather the next twenty or so people and close the game so everybody gets at least one gold coin (20th place gets one gold coin... I got that last week when I did not play at all).

I am turning on music, Lenka. Yes again. Dreaming of Oz or the one or just being understood and close to someone where some hugging and cuddling is involved. I think. Music has replaced TV as surrogate voice and imaginary friend. Lenka and I would get along great, no doubt. Yeah, TV is fantasy too, but it fills the void of intimacy and creativity and friends and family as well as anything can (other than actual people) of all available possibilities.

I just cooked and ate dinner, the word cooked used very loosely to mean opened, poured, mixed, and heated in the microwave. Tonights mixture was cream of mushroom soup base, onion dip mix, two big teaspoons of chopped garlic (from a jar in oil), a quarter cup or so of shredded cheddar cheese, two thirds of a can of chicken, a sliver of vegetable spread, and a dollup of fat free mayo. Vanilla yogurt for dessert. It was delicious for me because I love soups and sauces and when you don't add water to canned cream of mushroom soup it is a thick gravy casserole.

What now? Ok, I am bored enough to return to Gaia and see how the fish are doing.

Laters :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Rock Me Like a Hurricane?

That title comes directly from the title of brief version of the daily life in blogform, as a response no less, and may or may not have a whole lot to do with the song of similar title, geology, or the weather, even. Do we really turn to meteorology when we have nothing else to say and want a conversation starter?

Meanwhile, this is going to expand, so stand back (sing reference not intended).

I am here, I am here, I am here! No, not a Who down in Whoville, but come to think of it I am looking for my Horton who is looking for her Horton who is also looking for a partner to share everything in life. Yes, I seek the improbablem a relationship that spans the globe from the Horton (relatively omnipotent unconditional trust) to the Who (relatively completely dependent unconditional trust) to the majority of time being somewhere closer to the equal balanced partner. From infant to parent and everything in between on the spectrum of independence to dependence.

Not too much to ask, is it?

In keeping with the theme of shameless begging for attention in the hope the one or at least a or even some true friends might find me and find worth in all the words, I was here for many years and I hope those years are still valuable to someone because they meant so much to me from time to time (casual reverence, no doubt), but I am here (in case it matters) now, though for the moment I am (and here where you are reading. For more fun with words in the relative now (and still more words too), see here, here, and here {newly revised as an introductory reference {or warning?... well, let's call it a vital perspective for anyone wanting to get close to me for now} in case you actually want to know me, the author of all this. that is) as well. Of course there is one place to go for almost everything I put online so for a whole lot more to choose from, see here.

So I shall get dreassed and ready for softball in a few minutes and hopefully the other team shows up. My teams have had a run of forfeit wins lately. Perhaps we are just too good and nobody wants to play us. Or they are just not that into it. I woulnd't mind a cancellation so I do not have to go out. Our coach kinda sorta said she would be out there early because the team we are supposed to play has a double header and if they don't show up for the game before ours she might just say don't come out even though they could show up for our game and then we would be the ones who forfeit. I suppose this is a sign of how not fun Wednesday Night Softball is for me (and/or how apathetic I still get on what many call hump days), but I am just not a fan of the fields or the field management or the umpires or the mix of teams out there, Maybe everyone kind of feels the same, but it seems the whole evening is depressing and dragging along and no one is actually there to do their best and get excited and have fun. My skewed perspective, perhaps.

Anyway, I finally went to bed long after sunrise this morning after processing the footwear tragedy and distracting myself with much online wandering. The exciting news is if I drive out to the fields, I intend to stop at Kohls to see if they have the sandals I want in my size. Fingers are crossed. Toes, even. Dinner (or breakfast, since I just woke) will wait until after softball and should be very light. So what else is new?

I mean, besides blatant attention seeking? :)

Ah, I checked in with the coach and there is no game tonight, so the good news is I don't use any gas and I don't spend any money unless I drive over to Kohls but I don't particularly want to, not only as a cost savings, but because I am sort of wanting a long john (pastry) from Wawa and do not want to go near the temptation. Kohls is right behind Wawa in the same parking lot. Maybe I'll do laundry and finally get started on sorting through more boxes instead.

It is such a weird fielding to be conscious of the emotional hunger while also being conscious of the physical bloat while also being conscious of some actual physical hunger as well. I last ate almost 24 hours ago, after all. I got home from Curly's about six hours after we ate dinner (and I did not snack nearly as much as I usually do) and I spent the following 8 hours writing and wandering the web and not the least bit hungry in any way and then slept almost 8 hours and I've been sitting here for two hours feeling bloated, so it seems so natural to eat only when hungry and I often do not get hungry until a day after I eat a large meal. Maybe I am part camel. I do retain a lot of water.

I don't eat enough salad or fresh veggies or fresh fruits or fresh anything. I don't want to spent $10 on a salad out there and I don't have a sink or counter or kitchen here. I suppose supermarket prepared salads can be had for $5 or so. Still, that is twice as much as I spend on my meals at home, even from cans (and I can eat for less than a dollar a meal if I had a kitchen). If I go out to get the sandals I could pick up a salad... if I find the right mind set to avoid the sugar snacks I am craving.

I think I may be more the Neil Young Hurricane tonight. More spacey blown away than fiercely rocking in any particular direction. I just remembered that I missed the Wednesday Morning Softball with the seniors again this week. I forget each week and I get home late and wired from Curly's after Tuesday Night Cards. I won't be able to play Wednesday mornings if I get a full time job, but while I am not working that would be some additional exercise. If I get to play. If I do not slide into the slow moving low energy level of the older crowd. I have not found anyone I feel could be a friend yet mostly because they all seem so old and don't have much conversation I am interested in. I don't know if it is generational or an affect of retirement (some of the guys have been retired a long while), but mostly I think it is the low energy. They all want to sit a lot and the game moves so slowly, especially in the heat. Still, it is more outdoor activity with people and the chance for some more exercise.

I think I'll post this now and if more words flow later, post more later. Maybe I'll even consider correcting typos lol lam. I hope you enjoyed and enjoy your day, evening, night, and whatever time it is wherever you are. If you or you know someone who is into babbling silliness, positivity,a and a daily excursion into the wonderful world of emo just for the fun of it, please stick around (or let them know) and let me know what you are reading and what you think of it. Tell me about you. Maybe we're friends and neighbors (or want to be) and just don't know it yet. :)