Saturday, December 31, 2016

Happy New Year, Rebel Child

Well, not that actually intended to do it, but the "hair of the dog" worked as the carb hangover was gone after I made and ate even more pasta yesterday and then went out to buy (spend money, slap hand) chips and chocolate and ate most of a bag of Doritos and three boxes of chocolate (malted milk balls, crunch, and non-parels), so today I am more bloated than ever and not in any mood to move or go out or do anything. What New Year's Eve?

I was up all night, again, watching internet TV. I started Mars and wanted to watch all six episodes. It was not bad, though I really am tired of the stupidity of humanity and would like to change my perception as I see it in everything too much and really would like my optimism to come back more.

I woke noon-ish and babbled since. If I had an accurate T-Shirt to wear to express what is going on inside of me at the moment, it would read:

Catharsis In Process.

Let's see. The previous entry is the likely culprit as I ventured into the links on the right over there (glancing right on this page) and decided it was time to update one of the pages which lead to updating all of the pages (I think) which lead to thinking and pondering and analyzing and contemplation, and that, as it often does, introspective babble full of distractions and the usual suspects. I think I am starting to be ready to maybe come to terms with the reality of my relationships in this life and accept the sad reality of losing both of the closest friends I thought were family. I am not sure if I avoided all the grieving stages and just started working on acceptance (logic says that is impossible, so maybe I learned to repress... finally human after all these years... which may be why I am so unhappy with my perspective of humanity... who'd have thought that I'd be sad after decades of trying to be human to fit in... sigh... laugh... sigh).

Actually, this previous entry may have been the previous entry I was referring to in the previous paragraph so there may be a nevermind appropriate for this babble, but we'll just plod ahead and hope you care enough to ask for clarification if you are confused. If you are not confused, you obviously are filling in the blanks yourself and probably did not click on the links or read it all. Be that as it may be, it could have been this previous entry just as well.

So here we are, lethargic and uninspired in body, buzzing but in no mood for doing anything other than self-indulgent babble in mind. And there are parties tonight, as usual.

Curly texted me late yesterday to let me know he was having a party. I suppose The Commodore mentioned to him that I am not on Facebook these days - or perhaps he thought of that himself. Or perhaps he just continued doing what he's been doing which is to not want to hang out with me as he continues to put space between us. We used to text and talk almost daily, now, rarely. I don't recall the last time he called and he doesn't include me in group card night texts anymore. It started over the summer and I might have a few texts from him since September when he have me the ultimatum to pay $900 a month or move out of the unfinished storage apartment where he let me stay. I went from brother and assistant lawn care maintenance guy to evicted tenant to occasional friend almost overnight.

Anyway, I am not in the mood for a party so I probably won't go there. Especially since I was invited to other parties weeks ago and I told those people I would go. I spoke with Lonewolf and Venisa about getting together and heading to Harpo's as he will be staying home with his mom. Not much in the mood for that either, but I texted Lonewolf to see what they are up to. There is another party at Glinda's that Harpo told me about as well. Apparently I am invited on Facebook. Apparently nobody read my last Facebook post that said I don't want to be on Facebook so call or text if you want to reach me. Apparently I am tired of the lack of real communication and caring that Facebook and texting has lead people into. Apparently few others are as tired of it as I am.

I may have written this elsewhere (in which case I apologize for typing their instead of they're, in case bugs you), but I seriously I doubt anyone who calls me friend in the "real world" could give accurate answers to these questions with any real meaning or depth. Unless they're psychic. The answers are in all of my blogs, often linked on sidebars for easy reference, and have been for many years. Who cares, really?

Not wanting to go out for financial reasons, as going to parties empty handed is so not fun for me - but then, many people do it so I could get over that displeasure, maybe. Getting in the mood to overlook the commonly accepted superficiality and pretense of friends in our culture is a bit of a snag at the moment. Perhaps I'll shower and reassess the situation. My fingers and toes are actually cold (it was 46 degrees last night and it never did warm up in this space even though it got up to 72 degrees today). I did text Lonewolf as he and Venisa are to of the most real people I know, so perhaps there is some hope for the social me after all.

The text said something like this:

I'm sitting here laughing as I am not in a party mood and wondering if my smile is because I am pleasing the rebel child in me who is happiest when doing the opposite of what the world expects. Are you guys doing anything tonight?

There is, of course, the general blah and bloat I ate myself into the past few days. And I really want to write more too. We shall see what shall be when it becomes what it is.

Any ideas?

Narf. :)

Friday, December 30, 2016

Afternoon Blur (Not a Delight)

Way too much food and about 16 ounces of Mountain Dew yesterday kept me awake all night (it's been a while since I did 24 hours without sleep, a few weeks at least, as sleep is essential to the health maintenance regime) and now, about seven hours later, I am quite hungover. I may have mentioned somewhere that I stopped for a 7-11 pizza on the way home from late night cards and games at The Commodore's place.

Carb hangovers, I almost forgot what they were like. This one is compounded by the ear wax. The ear wax has built up to a point where hearing is noticeably affected. I wake under water. It is sometimes quite peaceful, but these days, usually loud. The pulse woke me sounding like a jackhammer and the tinnitus like an extremely high pitched air raid siren. Finding an inexpensive remedy for ear wax is moving to near the top of the to do list. Getting rich enough for tinnitus surgery and a serious MRI reading of my head (not to mention other medical reviews) is right behind it, however less realistic.

I think I'll sit here amidst the noise and slowly wake up from the fog.

Hello... hello... hello... is anybody out there?

Everything changes except for the fact that everything changes.

Ok, so it seems (for no apparent reason other than I just happened to click on the links for no apparent reason that I recall as it is twenty four hours later, yes suddenly in this parentheses, as I return to this mostly completed entry what was not uploaded yesterday afternoon because, I believe, I laid back and watched TV... or something like that) to be time to update the About pages for this brief and the companion babbling blog (do you recall this is a two-step daily blog?... well, if you've not found this information, it is just over there on the right under Navigation and Information in case it matters... hopefully it does and you want to know, but in case you don't I hope you enjoy your reading even if I never know you were here or why you are reading).

Right, so to introduce those pages...

About This Blog is a simple, concise, direct explanation of why the brief daily blog exists, in case it matters to you. Updated 12/31/16.

About This Writer is a less brief and slightly elusive attempt to introduce myself as the writer of this blog, but kind of looks like more of an advertisement attempting to lure you to click on links and read more of my written gardens. Updated 12/31/16.

About The People is what some might call The Cast if we see blogging (or life) as a story. I realized it can be quite inaccurate as people and relationships change and it can be quite depressing to update when trusted people stop caring or become mean. If I cared what the world thinks of me, it might even be embarrassing, but then, come to think of it, this might be the most embarrassing page if I cared what the world thinks of me. People. Updated 12/31/16.

About This Blog World is an attempt to provide some sort of explanation of the structure and purpose and perhaps even the development of the blog world and maybe even the written gardens over the years. Feel free to let me know if that attempt succeeded in any way.

Other Blogs and Stuff (called ... in the part-two babbling blog, Blogs and Other Strangers most likely because that is the name of the page) is as close to a table of contents as the written gardens has these days. Updated 12/31/16.

If You Think You Know Me is a serious attempt (what?... no tongue-in-cheek sarcasm, snarky asides, or subtle-as-a-brick self-mockery?... well, maybe a little) to remind friends, especially friends who interact with me in daily life offline, that they may not know me nearly as well as they think I do. I mean, what is most important to me in this life? What do I want most out of life? What really makes me tic? My greatest joy? My deepest pain? Heck, what is my favorite color? I doubt anyone who calls me friend in the "real world" could give accurate answers to those questions with any real meaning or depth. Unless their psychic. Reality has a cold heart sometimes.

About This Blog (for the second part of the part-two babbling blog, or this blog you are currently reading {I admire your stamina} called Dirt, Drama, and Details, in case you are a little lost or wondered where you are) is a simple, concise, direct explanation of why this blog exists, which means it's not nearly as simple, concise, or direct as the About This Blog for, but that's kind of the point.

More About This Blog is, as it says, more about this babbling blog as I actually did try to be sort of somewhat concise in the first About This Blog for this blog.

Facebook Pages are just that, Facebook Pages.

If You Think You Know Me is for anyone who thinks they know me, but more, for anyone who wants to know me. Especially anyone who wants to understand me (so I suppose it might be for me too, aye?).

. . .

entries seem incomplete recently...

maybe it's the fog...


Thursday, December 29, 2016

I only go down... that I may go up again

It has been a long time, Ashleigh (and I am still in training, old friend lol lam), but I do remember. Not every synapse between my ears has been disconnected. Some part of me is still right there with you, Mr. Brillant, and the times that were a changing as they continue through this present day. Everything changes except for the fact that everything changes.

When you live in a bubble, floating is a breeze.

Ok, so the bottoming out may not be over (and the pigging out may not be over either, but that's another story), but the emo kid sure did take off in an upward direction today, at least so far. Timing: excellent. I had a very good (excellent, from my perspective and I hope from the interviewers perspective as well) phone interview with the Seminole Country Risk Manager for the Seminole County Safety Officer job. Yes, I will interview to be a County Official, go figure. He said he'll call next week to set up an in-person interview with his boss. During the call, The Commodore texted about playing cards tonight. That's a good sign. Then I called the clinic about the colonoscopy and they said they sent me paperwork by mail. The paper they handed me said they'd call me, but it lied, so I am glad I called as I'd likely not have checked my PO box until next year at the earliest. Attitude changes perspective and perspective changes mood - much better mood now.

That's when I headed to the showers and headed out the door. It is much later now. I am bloated again. Yes, that's wright, you read this before, but it's different now. It would have been great to see you, but you moved on with your life and we are not pretending to be closer than you want us to be, a fruit and a cabbage are just not family. The neck is stiff and distracting. The primary obstacle it stress brought on by over-indulging in sensory pleasure in order to distract the mind from loneliness. How many times do we have to repeat ourselves before we get it?

So Thursday night Bridge returned to the activity list tonight (that is where I am at the time of this entry if you follow time stamps and dates and calendars and the normal world... you won't fnd me there too often, but that's ok, I probably don't want you to find me if you like living there... not offense intended, just the facts ma'am). as The Commodore texted to include me in the game. Thank you for remembering me. He had me come over earlier to play a game with his granddaughter on a board that his father made close to a hundred years ago, or maybe seventy. Time is relative, after all. Before all too, usually. Waves or particles or something beyond our knowledge, it moves around us while we move through it while it moves through us while we move around within it.

I ate a small plate of veggies and rice with a dollop of meat juice and cooked onions, a pot roast without the potatoes, though I left the meat in the pot. Just wanted some moisture and flavor. I was a fool not to bring carrots as I usually do because all four of the regulars were there, Curly, The Commodore, Excel, and Violet and all four are obese, two of them profoundly so and two approaching a dangerous size. They eat way too much and are a terrible influence on my will power and dietary regime and since I have not been foolowing the weight loss program myself, that environment is not healthy for me at all. It is also a test and I almost passed, I just forgot the healthy snacks.

Yeah, so stopped for a 7-11 pizza and big bite on the way home (and it is actually around 4am the next day, but who pays attention to time date stamps or calendars, really?... oh, just about everybody?... no wonder I don't fit into this world. Did I mention I am losing my hair?) Yeah, this juxtaposition of two completely unrelated thoughts must have it's purpose in the devil since I can't blame chocolate because I don't have any (hey, I resisted buying chocolate, m'ok). Way too much bread (the pizza, not the hair), definitely way too much bread, even when I don't eat the bread. I was hungry, emotionally and physically, though I could have just come home and gone to bed. Probably. The Taco Bell was closed at midnight (unlike the one in the suburbs open to 4am every night) and the MacDonald's almost had my business, but I remembered how dissatisfied I was last time I tried their alleged meat a year or more ago and decided to head to 7-11, the only thing open around here after 2am. It was packed as usual. They run out of food most nights. It makes no sense, but that is Downtown Orlando and the near-to-downtown communities. Nearly dead after midnight.

Games were fun, mostly. Curly seemed more interested in doing something on his phone and no one seemed to be focused on playing cards. So was Excel and Violet at times. The Commodore joked about some internet meme that said something like and invitation to a party or something so naturally I had to google it. Hey, I waited until I got home. Violet kept score and we found out she was making big mistakes, so Curly corrected the game which just happened to take 500 points off Excel and my score, but when Violet said we should correct all the games (and she was his partner during this corrected game) he laughed and said who cares, it's just a game. So why correct this one? No response. Why they let him bully his way into winning by manipulating the scores is beyond me, but I've decided I am not going to try to reason with him or anyone anymore and I just point out with one simple statement that it is not right continue playing. It was the only time he paid attention to the game all night.

I hung out to play another game with The Commodore after everybody went home. It was good to get out and play. and he is much like me in that he loves to play games.

Hope your day and night was fun too.

Narf :)

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Blurred Tomorrow

I didn't even know it was Wednesday. At least not consciously as I didn't acknowledge or think about the calendar. Time just blurred as I watched TV. I woke at 8:30am and The Maharaja had already gone, so I turned on Hulu and kicked back watching The Invisible Man (the NBC remake) and continued watching clear through to after 2am, breaking only to cook spaghetti. Fine kettle of fish, or spaghetti, that (and that day) was.


So dangit, one day was all it lasted. The healthier eating. Yesterday (Tuesday) was the first really low calorie intake day in a while (indeterminate amount of time likely to be somewhere around a few weeks) and I was doing ok today for the first few hours until impulse snuck up and grabbed me by the tongue and dragged me into the kitchen straight to the spaghetti pot and the taste bud madness took over and before I knew it, a large bowl of seriously cheesy (half a package of cream cheese, four slices of fat free American cheese, one slice of 2% smoked provolone, garlic Parmesan sauce, butter spread, and ketchup) spaghetti was consumed before I even thought about calories. Naturally, I am thoroughly disgusted, ashamed, and mortified, even. Right, we know better. I am not happy with my failed will power, but I am experiencing taste bud euphoria and floating in in carb heaven not far from carb coma.

I really ought to go walk (or more) for a while, like a few hours. I moved the apple cider vinegar within arms reach. I had some yogurt and raw potato starch yesterday. I felt great about not feeling bloated and turning the weight gain pattern around. Then something changed and impulse took over. Often I know what it is, but this time it was the general whatever. Yeah, whatever. It is possible a clue might be found in the previous entry, but whatever, you know? Just whatever.

While we are waiting for the other shoe to fall, remind me that I want to download this playlist sight unseen... maybe for a pop collection this too? For the library, maybe, since I want ?everything in my library, but others will choose many those more than I will. Ah, perhaps we just hit upon something. I should learn to use Cortana because the sad irritant that may be at or near the root of the cause of the sudden disappearances of will power and impulsive indulgences in sensory overload just may be the fact that no one else will remind me of anything these days. Living alone is not the most troubling part though, the part I bury and avoid and let linger festering beneath the surface of every moment is not wanting to face the fact that I do not have a best friend (BFF... as she said so many times) and may never really had a true friend for a long long time even though I told myself and most anyone else that I did but we so completely disconnected (because she can't handle the guilt) and that is what gets me down most. When I tell her, she just says it makes her feel guilty and ashamed and then she avoids me more, so I stop. I must stop avoiding the facts. She said the words, she made the promises. I believed in her My believing in her makes her feel gulty and ashamed because she did not follow through. My being real makes her feel guilty and ashamed. What can I do about that? Just get on with my life and let go. Ouch.

Sometimes I feel this way... I keep hoping that this is not me, but...

What can we expect from a Wednesday.

Yeah, so let it flow and let the chips fall where they may...

The Eagles Wasted Time is so much the story of this life as I know it. Not the only story, but definitely one of the main themes. Jackson Browne's The Late Show (and much of the LP/CD Late For The Sky, in fact) is reflective of my emotional roller coaster as well, but these days, Wasted Time plays all the time no matter what else is playing, no matter what else I am watching. I really sold myself that I had a real friend and now, I must face the reality that I was just fooling myself. I don't write about it much, because it hurts, but ignoring it and continuing to try to hang on to believing hurts even more. All the others are not easier to bear when the real friend is not there.

I deliberately do my best to avoid writing about it much because she might hurt herself if I express disappointment if she ever came to this place to read. Yet writing is my therapy and uploading the words to my blogs is my healing process, my release. This is how I process, resolve, heal, forgive, and continue being open and honest and me.

I must stop trying to repress myself and put it into words. If I am wrong, I am wrong, but... yeah, I've got to be me.

Some people just want to live life on the surface, bonding subconsciously in silence, depending on someone to be there without acknowledging that dependence. Being close in physical space, activities, and sharing time without committing to wanting to spend time being there. Not making the other person real or important, that person is easily replaced and left behind. That becomes usury and co-dependency. That leads to guilt and shame. That leads to avoidance and ultimately, running to someone else to start another similar silent dependency.

I wish they would see that it hurts those they depend, but even more, it hurts them because they feel empty inside without someone else. They have no commitment to anything other than their own survival and needs leaving them feeling helpless and worthless when the one they depend on is not around. Subconsciously they know they use and discard people and that leads to self-loathing, even self-abuse. Some feel so empty and guilty and shameful they want to stop feeling and stop being here in this life.

So what do we do? Stop believing in words and promises people make? Stop believing people do not really want to use and discard people? Believing hurts the one who does not follow through on promises as well as on the one who believed.

It is a philosophical dilemma, perhaps. It is physical pain.

I used to write in a private blog called Too Much Candor, which is probably the best title for my autobiography in this life if one is ever written. I would go there when I felt or thought something that I felt or thought might embarrass someone. I created it out of respect for privacy because most people want private lives. I think that is because they care so much about what other people think of them that they would rather repress themselves and ignore or even invalidate their feelings rather than express themselves and release their thoughts and emotions.

I believe that is the fundamental thinking error at the root of all emotional challenges humans seem to accept as normal natural weaknesses excused by the phrase "being human". It is dishonest, any way you slice it. Feel free to offer your rationalization if you think you can construct a logical defense of repression or avoidance of self that is actually honest. "I honestly do not want to know myself completely?"

Maybe some people truly believe they do not want to experience this life as completely as they are able to the full potential of being. Many people believe in things I do not understand, that does not make them wrong. It does make it wrong for me to live their way when it is not my way. That is the bottom line.




Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Is It Today Yet?

Yeah, that's how these catch up sessions go. Time is irrelevant and relative and whatever plays a lot in my head. Not this song, but might as well be.

Ok, so finding that song (whatever) lead me to Emma who always perks me up because I love her video personality (and her eyes) and while I don't love the ADHD look, I am a sucker for it which is not the greatest weakness in my attraction quotient or whatever. I think I miss her gap. Wish she would make more eye contact. Mostly, it's her sense of humor that keeps me smiling. Maybe in an Eeyor or Marvin the robot kind of way, but the world sucks , so how could anyone aware of anything not reflect the sorrow and madness and self-loathing (you know how much I love self-mockery, right?) but she tries so hard and her vulnerability (ah, another box on my weakness list checked off), oh, she just begs to be loved with every breath and while that neediness is appealing to the savior in me, it's also probably a trap I would regret falling into (let me count the ways). I would love to find and get to know her ego (if we could find it - nudge nudge). Ok, so I have an hour of few of fun distraction now. Back in a bit.

I so want to play in her imagination, but the rambling, oh, the babbler loves her most of all :)

Of course I know that is partly the editing, I mean, who just rambles on for 100,000 words without taking a breath? Why are you all looking at me? lol lam... Ok, back to her, is she or is she not fleeting or has she just been around a long time (and what is a long time, I mean, Linda sang long long time a long long time ago, but if five years us a long time and fifty years is a long long time, what is a long long long time? I mean, is it exponential? Multiples of ten? Where are the rules for this? How can we communicate properly or accurately without some rules, after all. To a fruit fly, a month is a long long time. To a mayfly, a day is a lifetime. And what if you lived a million days? What would be a long time then? Time is so relative. Yes, whateverish... there's more to come... in time). :)

I think I might have wandered off on a tangent.

Yup, I think the universe (via youtube) brought Emma around today to remind me that it could be worse and we just need to hold on sometimes... letting go and moving on has it's place, but not inside... holding on to the deepest dreams, the reason for living, that is the answer... and I still believe in love even when I am alone, someone will believe with me if i hold on and keep believing... this is still inside... I mean whatever, i babble through it...

An unnatural excitement just rushed through me as the recycling garbage truck just picked up the recycling garbage that has been full for weeks. I was not sure of which day pickup was and kept forgetting to check online and The Maharaja is so busy with projects out of the house that he forgets and I forget to ask him so when I woke this morning and remembered to check the web and found out today was pick up day for recycling I was sad that it was after the time the website said to put the can at the curb but I put the can on the curb anyway because I kinda sorta remember a garbage truck coming in the middle of the day and hoped that was the recycling pick up so I went outside to see if others had their cans at the curb and only one house across the street did and their cans were emptied already but it looked like a can a block or so down the street might not have been emptied (though it was very hard to tell because it was so far away) so I rolled our can out there anyway with hop... hope is good... and the garbage truck just picked up our recycling. Yay!

whatever, yeah whatever, it's a good place to live...

They use electric garbage trucks in this neighborhood. Very green of them. I like this neighborhood, even though it is expensive and has very minimal shopping (and it is expensive) and nothing is open past 9pm except the sports bar (a few places say they are open until 10pm, but they are often closed earlier, even on weekends... did I mention it is expensive?). It is a very quiet very residential very sleepy community, but just a couple of miles from downtown (where there is, you guessed it, expensive fun) so if I had money to burn, it would be great. The suburbs I was living in for the last 4 years is better for the wallet and variety of eating and for late night eating and for softball, so I am not completely set on staying here (or anywhere really as everything can change as far as best location to live ones I find a job again), but it's really great in many ways (not just because The Maharaja is one of the most generous kind and simple people I know and really compatible as a roommate for me).

Yeah, whatever lol.

Spent the day listening to youtube so thank you Emma Blackery for the inspiration to babble (and remember good things). Buy Her Stuff!. I listened to this playlist and encourage you to take some time for yourself and focus your heart and mind on writing songs. Whatever happened in your relationship or over the summer of 2016, let it out, pour it into your creativity, give it wings and let it fly out of you so it doesn't bury you. Yeah, I could say the same thing to myself, aye? What did I write in that survey? I only cut and pasted this:

Stay true to yourself, remember your music - especially "Perfect" - work through the depressing thoughts and believe in yourself. The world is a depressing place these days, live through it, shine your light, we all need the real - the anger, the hope, the push to keep holding on and believing it will get better if we make it better.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

. . .

Monday, December 26, 2016

Over Eating, Over Spending, Over It

Still not over and out though. Not exactly sure how and the why, the hope for the dream of true love, well, that is about as logical as driving blindfolded and perhaps as far away from my daily life as the reaction to corruption in government what news? (what do you do when your country no longer holds the moral high ground?... and no longer does the right thing or have the right stuff anyway?... news at 11). I babble, of course. Update blogs and watch internet TV and ride the emotional roller coaster that makes this physical life worth living in this mad mad mad mad world.

Yeah, so I went to the Chinese restaurant and spent $20+ on dinner and that is just dumb, but it's holiday time and everybody has parties and I don't want to... go (I was going to write I don't want to be left out, but actually, I do want to be left out of the normal expectations and superficial pretenses of holiday parties, especially this year, so i am indulging my food monster and undermining all the low-calorie eating I was doing to drop 23 pounds and I probably gained 10 more and am above 200 where I didn't want to be so I shall beat myself with wet noodles (mmmmm, spaghetti) and get serious about the calorie intake and weight and health and ... next year. The free clinic case worker never called, which sucks, so I need to find the paper they gave me and see if there is a number on it. So much for getting hope up.

It's not that bad, I think, but I am returning to that high calorie high carb bread and pasta and chocolate and frosting and sweets addiction again. I am the only one who cares enough to do anything about my self-destructive ways (thank you J, for being the only attentive and consistent voice of reason and caring outside of my head these days) but it's not so much a "nobody cares" thing as it is a self-indulgence.

Where's the food?

Meanwhile, back to distractions and healthier activities like typing and babbling, I installed an FTP program and updated Libboland again. Just the eyes, but enough revision to actually update the "last updated" date for the first time in three years. Of course now that I wrote this, I just updated ears enough to update it's "last updated" date. Could Libbo be waking up again (how many times will Amy lee be singing that song, aye?). Yeah, so anyway, I reconnected to my website and who knows where that might lead.

Then there were some pen-pal sites to check out if I want to make more time though interpals and globalepenfriends are at the top of the list as they are free and recommended most online and one I think I will check out a bit more is a site for writers to share their works and connect. Memories of Paper Fantasies and The Writer's Exchange, two small publications I published when Candor Communications was productive in the 1990s come rising from deep down and the desire to go through the stuff in storage in New York rises again and I'll just move along now because there's nothing to see here, go about your business.

One of the people on interpals suggested (in her profile, just one connection so far and that seemed oddly forced or "canned" but I send a long response anyway which I will include below because you want all the dirt, drama, and details, right?) playing the game at this site and I got into it for a couple of hours, reaching level 15 or so... there are 150 levels and only a few dozen have reached level 150 (the site says hundreds of thousands have tried). It's a riddle and code site if you are into such stuff. Much fun for me.

Speaking of that response to the interpals message, here it is (preceded by the message I was responding to):

I am wishing you 12 months of happiness; 52 weeks of fun;365 days of laughter; 8,760 hours of favor; 5,256,000 minutes of joy; 31,536,000 seconds of success.
Merry Christmas and Happy new year in advance.

Greetings to you am glad to reach you through this site, am a female kathy. by name, i got your contact on site as i was browsing so i decided to write to you for a friendship, you can write me back, please get back to me as soon as possible my contact email is (

And my response:

Hi (hername),

Thank you for the wish and greeting - I like your way with words, simple, to the point, and creative. Also, numbers are fun for me but more, each moment matters. I'd be happy with 16,000,000 seconds of happiness, fun, laughter, favor, joy, and success as that would be more than half my time and the rest of the time I'd be working toward it :)

I am male, ric, and signed up on this site impulsively yesterday. I am not sure I am going to use it. I am not sure I will have time for correspondence on a regular basis and I doubt I will respond immediately often simply because life is not that structured these days - but I do write often for myself. Writing is one of my ways of processing life and whatever is going on inside and around me. The written me can be very different than the off-page me as I dump all the negativity, complaining, whining, and unpleasantness into words and then laugh at myself (and the pathos in the words) and move along to the next moment. Sometimes the words are relatively meaningless distractions (there is a lot of that in recent times) and sometimes I feel like a genius (that passes quickly upon further reflection). Sometimes there is prose and sometimes there are rhymes, mostly I let the words flow as an extension of my thought process. That is the writing process for me. This might become part of a profile if I put one here, so thank you for helping me introduce the writing process as I know it.

I am not sure what I am looking for on this website (or from other people in this life). The bottom line desire in me is honesty - being as real and sincere and present as possible is what I seek from myself as anything else is even more fleeting than life itself and often meaningless. I rarely sense a real sincere presence from people, at least not one they want to share.

The saddest aspect of this life is that honest love seems to be too vulnerable for most people to share, but it is my quest (Don Quixote and me - and I laugh even as I am at my most serious on this point). Friends tell me they admire that even as they tell me I am not being realistic. I smile and continue as being true to honest love and myself is always the greatest personal joy in this life. :)

I find explaining the words "honest love" helps not only introduce me, but helps clarify communication, especially in written words. I use the term to express the innocent, genuine, unencumbered, and unconditional love that I want to send out from me. It is not meant to suggest anything more, not sensual, not romantic, not any sort of expectation or obligation. Just a wish for you to feel safe, secure, cared for, and happy. It is honesty without harm, caring without expectation, love without obligation, and a moment of serenity. My intention is to care and inspire a genuine smile.

Mostly, in recent times, life has been full of frivolous fun and that is, well, fun, but I do seeks a sense of deeper meaning, more personalized caring, more purposeful sharing - though I admit I do not seek it with all my heart/mind the way I used to. When I ask myself why, I can see many scars and waning hope as rational reasons, but mostly I don't think about it.

It is just as likely that I sit here watching the world go round and round because I have little to offer in life these days. I have no income and savings dwindles. I am staying with a generous friend and have contemplated living in my car - a bohemian lifestyle I have enjoyed in the past when it was my choice to travel and explore. I have been alive for 60 years (I put as little identity information as possible online and a date of birth is one of those identifiers used to confirm identity in secure communications, so I use 12/1/73 because it was a pivotal date akin to a rebirth in my personal history - no deception is intended, just personal identity security) and much of it was what our culture would call success and luxury and some of it was what our culture would call failure and poverty. My perspective is not based on the material world as what matters to me is what is inside people (and other living beings).

What matters most to me (is an ever changing carousel with honest love at it's core) overall is caring and nurturing friends and trying to live life each moment as positively as possible. Today my priority is finding income so I can return the gifts friends have given me and regain more independent options, so each day I send out resumes and enjoy the free time because "free time" is the greatest luxury I have experienced in this life.

I have known times of immense euphoric joy and times of overwhelming traumatic pain in my time on this planet and it is a wonderful life. I hope to share more honest love and fun adventures with friends. I treasure the few true friends I know and hope to find a few more along the way, If I find a few people who understand me, all the more wonderful it will be.

There is a bit of an introduction (too much for a profile?... it may keep the superficial and the Phishers away... or not... rhetoric questions amuse me. :)

This is all the time I have for the moment. I hope your day is smiling (at least smiling more than frowning) and your end of calendar year holidays are as merry happy joyous as you want them to be.

I send this with no expectations, just a thank you for your positive words and a wish for your happiness - and a thank you for helping me with my profile. :)

Maybe the website message system gave the message she sent a "canned" formatting. Perhaps I should note that this person's "name" on the site is xxxlove11 and laugh at the attempt to initiate a phishing expedition, but I used the interest, whatever the motive, to inspire me to write another introductory letter and that gave me, with a bit of editing, a profile for the penpal website which I linked yesterday or earlier and here again, wait, did you miss it?... it's right here lol.

Yeah, I ain't too proud to beg nor am I opposed to flagrant self-promotion from time to time (as you may have noticed). Anyway, I received an email saying she responded so I went back to the site and check and it was a message back asking me to email her (with no mention at all of my long and winding message to her and her account was grayed our and "inactive") so I did send the message via email, but two strikes (canned initial contact and rush to email with a suddenly deactivated account) do not bode well for her chances in my world. I shall see if she redeems herself when she replies by email.

Can you stand the excitement? How about the sarcasm? Yeah, and there you have an entry for today. Hope you enjoyed it. I am off to the kitchen to do some cleaning and such. Keep hopeful, your prince (or princess) might be right around the corner (though I doubt she's in the fridge) lol lam.

Narf :)

Sunday, December 25, 2016

It Really Was No Miracle (Part Two)

Yeah, so the nothingness of the brief blog catch up session continues to expand (and when nothingness expands, be ready, you never know what might happen... I mean, a whole universe might appear... watch out for that big bang, ya know?) and somehow, we are still here on Sunday night, sort of. Ultimately, the everything (and we do mean everything and every thing and we include thoughts in that every as thoughts are a thing too for there are non-material, non-physical things {even when not italicized ya know} and I don't just mean ethereal {or (e)thereal, for that matter} or non-corporal or even imaginary "things" in or out of quotation marks or parentheses) was saved... everything, that is. I am sure we are all relieved. You are relieved, aren't you? If not, take a laxative and call me in the morning. There is a method to the madness, in case you wondered, in case you didn't know, in case it matters.

So I believe it was Thursday that I watched a webinar, searched for more jobs, checked emails, wrote emails, sent out more resumes and applications, went to the government mandated health care website, tried to register again, was rejected again, called the help number, didn't get help, detailed it somewhere around here, wandered my old diaryland babbling places, grossly abused many commas, and somewhere between then and a few days from now, got snarky and pointed out that it really is no miracle, you just have to care and want to know and make the time to reach out, at least with your eyes, and read. Letting me know would actually make the caring a verb, something you did outside of your mind, in case you wondered, n case you didn't know, in case it mattered.

Could have been more recently, even.

Than I enjoyed laughter... lol lam lol lax laa... and mostly it was that way ever since, except for a rather challenging (in case you actualy really care) day in which I watched non-stop internet TV (finished John Doe, started and finished Standoff, and started The Invisible Man... (previously on Hulu) I also watched (in reverse chronological order... that is, the list is in reverse chronological order, not that I watched the episodes of each show in reverse chronological order, I mean, I'm not that warped... but now that I think of it... lol lam) Eli Stone, Life, Shuteye, The Fades, Twisted, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Remake), Phenomenon, This Is Us (lost interested after 5 episodes), Timeless, 11.22.63, Chance, Paradox, Eli Stone, SNL, Misfits, The Aliens, Second Chance, and re-watched 12 Monkeys (first season), Elementary (first four seasons), and some Castle and Bones.

That was just Hulu in the past five months. On CBS, I watch other shows. Yeah, the internet TV is the distraction of choice these days. 440 videos, approximately, on Hulu in five months. Though a few not mentioned above were started and stopped before the first episode ended. Picky picky. I probably ought to update the background TV blog and discuss the time spent viewing (maybe even start writing mini-reviews, or at least a synopsis of the shows I enjoyed or would want to watch again or recommend or wish they continued past their cancellation date or even shows I didn't like so i'd not watch them again and know why and I could include the names of the primary actors I liked and... I could just include links to the IMDB I suppose. Yeah, right, mini-reviews and synopsis, me, brief. lol.

One of these days I just might. :)

A holiday text from Idaho, an email from J, and too many Facebook messages (I uninstalled Messenger... Facebook is just too depressing these days... not just because of the news of the world and humans, but it is a reminder how little people care in the real world)... wait, I see a distraction coming on...

oh, never mind... it may have just been gas...

Yeah, so as I was trying to avoid writing, on some personal emotional psychological levels it was a challenging day. I ate way way way too much. I splurged on Chinese food because it was the only restaurant found open. It's small and less than a mile away and they make good food, though more expensive than the average place because this is a more expensive area. Delicious though. I ate too much. I made supermarket stuffed clams and stuffed scallops (two each) as well. And a whole box of chocolate chip cookies. I have really indulged my food monster more in the past four days than I have all year and yesterday was the most indulgent of all. It was not as fun and exiting as it usually is.

And, as I said, I uninstalled Facebook Messenger. I received way too many messages in group messages and I did not want to keep hearing ping, ping, ping. I almost deactivated my Facebook account, but didn't. I can simply not go on the site so I don't have to deactivate. I am avoiding the site completely right now, just too much superficiality and reminders that caring is a verb and there is little active caring in life for me these days. Too many people on Facebook who said they care really don't show it. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, that was not a good hour today.

It did pass and tomorrow was much much better, but hey, that's the miracle of time travel, ya know?

I mean, I created a new personal profile on a new personals website so there must have been some hope and merriment yesterday too. I wrote (and have been writing) a lot to J recently. I keep telling myself to create a blog for that or at least pull more excerpts into this babble, but I don't get to that mostly out of respect for J's privacy, but also because I have not felt the pomp and circumstance and fanfare required to inspire me to start yet another whole new blog. I have hundreds I do not add to on a daily basis as it is, after all.

Speaking of chili peppers and dreams of what life would be like if I was flush with income and all sorts of inspired again (not necessarily in love, but that would be nice), if I had a million dollars, I would have shopped for toys and gadgets for me and everyone I know in recent weeks (and tomorrow too). This is one of the the least material holiday season I've known in this life as I've given and received zero gifts in the sense of gift-wrapped material objects. There has probably been years where this has happened before, but maybe not, and it is oddly freeing and definitely amusing the rebel child in me who enjoys doing the opposite of what is "supposed to be" so it is not nearly as sad as it might be to normal people. Thank goodness I am not normal.

Wait, Helen did take me to lunch the day before Xmas and I paid the tip, so that counts as a gift. I was invited to a Yule party on Xmas eve and bought and brought stuff they needed (almonds, raisins, something else, and a cheese cutter) and the food was yummy, so that counts as a gift. Just no wrapped gift objects... or tree... or stockings... or family... or...



Ok, so yeah, it can be quite lonely to be me, but I am a whole lot more cheerful and peaceful and content and actually happy than I thought I would be this year. I do not think I am overly ignoring or repressing the sadness of receiving nothing from the people supposedly closest to me. It seems that over the past decade or so I had gotten used to the tradition of having a tree and sharing decorating it and putting up stockings and filling them with gifts (Jackson brought that into this life for the seven years we lived together.... we'd exchange a dozen or little gifts and one or more bigger gifts.... and I'd remember the brief glimpses of family that I've known in this life (ah, Toronto... and Canarsie... so long ago). She may never know how important that was to me, just sharing that experience and that time, being part of a family experience. I am sad when I think of her now because I believed we were family when we are obviously not.

Still, I am closer to acceptance of my aloneness again (always have been in this life from the start, the experience of the adopted child - and we are each alone in our experience, but that's a philosophical discussion for another time... the illusion of sharing in physical space is so alluring, so sad to not have it, and so on) than I've been even with the flood of visible love-gift-exchanges all around me reminding me how alone I am.

I am appreciative to have J to keep in touch with now. KIT, so few really do. Every word shared is a greater more precious gift than anything else. Ultimately, material stuff is symbolic and can be so superficial and meaningless when the person is not actively caring or keeping in touch. If nothing else, this year reminds me of how meaningless material gifts really are without people. It is a good memory of a very good perspective. It influenced my most recent attempt to reach out to the world too, the profile on the pen-pal site.

cuz when you know you've got a real friend somewhere... suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear...

It is so sad when someone chooses to become one of all the others...

What?... you expected any less of a roller coaster on this particular date? lam... yes, I can still laugh at myself and the emotional ride I let this life take me on (or do I do it to myself?... well, you can debate the philosophical reality of that while I wander back into distraction... more internet tv... more babble... more food...

How was your day?

Narf :)

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Your Favorite Is...

Which of the last ten entries is your favorite?

Or is it the eleventh back? Twelfth? Come on, which one?

Which of all the entries in this blog is your favorite?

Which of all the entries in all the blogs in my online written gardens is your favorite?

Yeah, so I'd like to know which entry 8is your favorite and why, yes you, every you reading this and a whole lot of yous not reading this, but let's start with you. I can't always get what I want. but maybe it I try this time (and again and again), I just might. Which entry? Why?

Long day out in the world. In the morning, I met Helen and she trated me to a breakfast at Sweet Tomatoes, the faux-healthy salad bar buffet. She's a good friend. After I dropped her off, I headed to my PO Box to pick up mail and then to my storage unit to pick up a few things. O the way, I picked up harpo after sitting and chatting with his mom and watching some food show that had us drooling over New York pastrami. I headed home after that and relaxed a bit with the internet TV, specifically Standoff on Hulu. Then it was time to head to Lonewolf and Venisa's for the annual December 24th Swedish dinner. On the way I stopped for a few things they needed and then, food and fun.

It is basically, if I have not explained clearly before, an "orphan holiday dinner" ... and ... put together every year for a group of not religious folk who don't have much family in town. It was fun to see faces and catch up with people who I don't see most of the year. Some are quite wealthy and talk about their trips to Bali and Europe and $25,000 clothes.

As usual, I renewed my crush on Kara, one of Venisa's close friends who shares 12/24 dinners each year and actually lives nearby to The Maharaja's place. Remind me to raze her about ignoring her online presence m'ok? lol (how's that for confuddlement? lol... How I love obscurity and self-mockery). It's a harmless platonic crush, in case you are wondering, but it's fun. Ah yes, how easily I could fall in love with her... someday I'll let her know (yes, self-mockery is back, aye?). Oh come on, a seriously beautiful energetic amazing person who's been to 50+ countries and lived and worked in England and Sweden and is into good things I can relate to, you'd be lucky to know her and spend a few moments with her - I know I am. I must remember to tune into her radio show this year (ever year I tell myself to, then I forget. Ah, the wonders of momentary ADD... no wonder I fail at being a proper groupie fan boy lam).

Other celebrities also entertained our hosts (and me) and the gala would not have been complete without the traditional yule log in the fireplace. Wonderful family and friends, most of whom I see just once a year (though The Maharaja made an appearance tonight as he tore himself away from his 3d printing lab to have a different kind of fun). The party-goers were fewer than usual and the night ended way earlier than it has in previous years. Could age be taking it's toll?. lol.

I am tired, it's been a long day. This entry could have been so much more fun if I was awake, but sleeping already, I'm lucky the fingers are finding the right keys to finish up and wish you a merry happy whatever you celebrate at this time of year and hope you openly and honestly accept this unconditional love and wish for peace and a wonderful life.

May all of our dreams come true.

Hug, Narf, and Nite Nite :)

Friday, December 23, 2016

You Must Remember This...

I have no idea what you must remember, actually. I know that John Doe, the TV series, is stupid. Plastic characters and contrived story lines and over-dramatic writing, acting, staging, and editing (and way too much use of the pregnant pause). The show is an insult to intelligence. I always hold out hope for a surprise I couldn't see coming, but this one just continues to provided more stupidity each episode. Like Seattle's climate mirrors the climate on Mars lol. The main character was written as the most ridiculously emo, pathetically stupid leading character I've seen in any show in this lifetime. That makes him very challenging to like. He has one of the greatest advantages, an intellectual super power, yet he acts helpless and over-reacts to the point of destructive stupidity. His need to talk to himself all the time hurts him, those around him, and the story. Human ego and emotion out of control, stupid.

I seriously doubt that is what you must remember, but the show is on background TV at the moment, so it grabbed some attention. There are videos and websites below that were left over from the previous entry and they may or may not be what you must remember, but they definitely are not definitely what you must remember. They are, however, going to be part of this entry because they are left over from the previous entry (some may even be repeated) and that is often how entries develop (for a long long time, even), with inspirations (many thousands, even), whether leftover or newly stumbled upon, that lead to more inspirations and distractions and who knows what else. Maybe that's what you must remember, the way of the babble.

Only maybe.

One thing I always think of when I hear the phrase (or just think of it) is love. You know, like the song from Casablanca Like you must remember that love is all you need... that love is everything... that i believe in love... that i need to be in love... that (song after song, did you know each one?). Remember how to love. Remember how to fall in love. Remember the dream of true love, perfect love, and how the purpose of living is to find a way to make the dream come true. Yeah, that is something to remember. Remember to wake up to remember.

Could be the good (or sweet, even) life is not all it's cracked up to be, but we could be something if we only shared. Yeah, the links lead to magic if you want them to and that is another thing you must remember, if you want it to. Thanks Melissa.

The tinnitus is getting worse and worse (I mean,not just worse, but worse and worse, ya see... isn't launguage amusing?) and it will likely be the next step in my medical progression as I see care for the ailments and challenges this body presents to me. Sometimes it wakes me, often it distracts me, almost every day I wake with that underwater sensation and hearing diminishes bit by bit (not just a bit, but bit by bit, right).

Since we are touching upon the daily life, after I watched this webinar and searched for more jobs and checked emails and sent out more resumes and applications and then I went to the government mandated health care website and tried to register, again, and again, they would not let me. I called the help number and after 20 minutes I was back at the start and gave up. If they penalize me, they have to squeeze blood out of a stone. I followed all of their instructions and sent my social security card and my drivers license - so identity thieves must love the site. The government is a more invasive big brother with every passing year. All the political partisanship and paranoia about government tyranny and registering aliens and every citizen is required to register in the health care govermnent database. Corporate government is happening right under our noses and we are the ones voting for it.

Shifting gears to the web world again, I wandered my old diaryland babbling place (as the previous homage inspired by a locked diary might have suggested) and after reading a sad lonely entry from one of my old friends from there, I responded with this:

You're a strange one, Mr. Raven (somehow thew song from How the Grinch stole Xmas popped into my head as I clicked on the note link and arrived here). I shall resist the loneliness and longing in your entry because I hover on the edge of that abyss myself too often these days (it's been a rather horrifying year, on many fronts... and not so great in the backs either), but damned those torpedoes and full speed into a headwind of fantasy and irreverence and distraction and whatever else comes along. I'm in Orlando, feel free to stop by. I hear there's a holiday weekend coming up. I shall return now to my babbling (perhaps I never left) and my seven decade mission to explore new worlds and boldly go where no man has gone before all the while attempting to be so adorably nonchalant that no one sees my casual desperation and someone stumbles into this life I loosely call mine to fit the broken puzzle piece that I am. I seem to continue to successfully amuse myself with words and music when the distraction of internet TV does not hold my attention, so pardon my laughter (it is self-directed) as I wish you hope and motivation to believe in better days and cuz that is all I've got and from my perspective, it's all I need. I want so much more, but as Gilda Radner said in a faux-film a long time ago, "dreams are like paper, they tear so easily..." and I too love to play. May you find something to amuse you, if not someone. Lucky are those who find words their playground. Back to my dreams.

I have no idea why I found Canada so amusing, but there was a whole lot of mockery somewhere along my journey through the web world last night. Odd I only saved one link cuz that was one of the least funny mockeries of them all, but hey, it was a fine distraction I got myself into. Not sure what this is, but it was part of the journey. It was a memorable journey, but this entry just goes to show that memories often (usually, in fact) hold much more than the artifacts of the experience.

Bringing this entry around to it's obvious conclusion (obvious being either sarcasm or an understatement, depending on your perspective), the final scene of the 21st episode of that show, John Doe, finally intrigued me and opened up some interesting (if predictable) possibilities and as expected from TV creatives (one of the best oxymorons around), it was the final episode. I would not recommend this show and would not have watched it, even as background noise, if I knew it was what it is. Rarely has that ever been my opinion of a show, but without an amazing third season with much better writers who give characters much more interesting depth and actors who can do better, which isn't happening, it's gone.

Hulu gave me Standoff next and while I think the formula is going to get old fast, I like the characters better in the first episode than I did in all 21 episodes of that last show I just watched. After a few episodes, it is getting better on every level and it would definitely be a show I recommend and would watch as a weekly series. Go figure though, this one was cancelled after one season of 18 episodes. TV creatives, oxymoron, they have no clue what an audience will buy into - though the crisis negotiator premise does get old fast so maybe 18 was enough.

So what have you been doing with your time?

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Cutething, and other Cute Things (not just ear wax)

Once I was "in love" with an excruciatingly adorable painfully brilliant hysterically sarcastic broadly sardonic occasionally depressing but mostly cool cutething. Naturally (as we are on the web, after all), "in love" is parenthesized because it does not mean what in love might usually mean in normal conversation (and we will not engage in any sort of conversation about what normal {or "normal" or any other} conversation might actually be and accept "to each their own and "eye of the beholder" and any other such platitude or phrase that allows us to skate over the ice rink of possibilities so we don't fall into the heaven or hell that lies below, m'ok?), but that is yet another tangential aside we will leave for the titillation so as not to completely lose all readers with innocuous babbling rainbows and umbrellas or other hoops to jump through in the telling of this story or conveying of this thought.

MMA, or "Massive Missives Anonymous", would be proud.


I would like to the "cutething" in question, but her online worlds were locked long ago and in my wanderings to and fro, I've lost her email, phone, and passwords, so I am one of the many locked out of most of the imaginary love affair with teasing and taunting that cutething created (real name starting with J?... oh, how memory toys with my affections sometimes... or is that early onset dementia?... no alex, i did not forget you are awesome... whatever, plow on through to the next point or main point, if there is one), but there may be some hope that this might help (or at least be a clue) solve the mystery this entry might be leading up to, describing, or otherwise hinting at.

Perhaps the chosen domain name, Fuckery and Whimsy might provide an allusion to the mind within the cutething and why so much love blossomed in the mind of candora and candoor and funda, especially funda, all those years ago (no worries, the improprieties of pedophilia in our culture prevented consummation of the romance in spite of an eager willingness on the parts of both parties... those parts were self-contained and the tantalizing fascination and arousal simply increased exponentially in the imagination and laundry bills), but you may just have to spend hours upon hours (not just hours), searching the web (scouring can be so abrasive) for the slightest glimpses of the cutething believing that it is possible cutething lives (exclamation marks come after confirmation) circa 2016.

Maybe if I Skyped, there'd be more connection, but Skype is for "real" fantasies, not the innocent exposures and unblossomed seeds we shared all those years ago (meet me on the corner of twelfth and never on the Tuesday that burger is finally purchased and follow the obscurity to restaurant at the end of time), but there is a band-aid on my camera for a reason, after all, just as there was never any compensation sought or accepted for any of the babblings in any form in spite of the beautiful music we could have made together if we only...

is it all fantasy?
what will you make of me?
as we tickle the keys and posit our reflections

just words on the screen
what could they really mean?
dare we risk the magic moments or rejections?

promises are made
disbelief behave
could the unconditional become real?

love and trust abound
is that what we found?
anything is possible... how do you feel?

Oh pshaw, we were such naive little bits and bytes back then. Now, with straining pains in the lower back from over-excitement and a ring around the tub from over-indulgence, so many doubts and what we could well title "Mockery and Vengeance" instead of "Fuckery and Whimsy" may well emerged from the depths of silence and time as a volume of our creative worlds, but then, does that little voice still somehow reach our ears with the two simple words at the heart of every heart and the core of every most beautiful story every told, just believe...

is it a question now?
did we lose faith somehow?
as we passed on from youth into the daily grind

could we still believe?
could we still receive?
the magic of sharing a mutual mind

who has time these days?
cacophony plays
attention distracted by struggles to survive

beneath the surface lies
precious power can rise
to still the madness and still save our lives

Just a memory can bring such an amazing thing (a "cutething", even lol) and if there is some connection still left or to be made, well, oh, the places we could go and who knows, the best may still be yet to be.

there was a time when i was clever
thought of things to make you laugh
felt a confident amusement
you'd ask for an autograph

now i gaze out from confusion
empty vessel cast aside
wonder if i am just sleeping
maybe i don't know i died

always thought i tried
how much i tried
i thought i tried

can i see a fuller picture
of the life i left behind
and of what i've made of myself
is it all just in my mind

if there is hope for tomorrow
will it be an empty threat
or a vision of a future
that i simply can't see yet

pray i don't forget
we don't forget
please don't forget

pray i don't regret
we don't regret
please don't regret

damned if i don't know the answer
puzzles always follow me
like a maze of self-protection
from all i might ever be

is it just fear of rejection
or a failure deep inside
maybe i am only sleeping
maybe i have only died

thought i always tried
how much i tried
how much we tried

how are we denied
is this just where
our worlds coincide

did our worlds collide
just to divide?

do we just coincide
where truth and dreams collide
do we just coincide
where truth and dreams collide

Well, that was a rush (thank you to Evanescence for a shot of adrenaline and hope that something might still wake me up inside, aye?... before another fall so I can enjoy the fall, ya see?). Meanwhile, back to the imaginary fantasy we were sharing...

you know you're such a cute thing
more or less sarcastic
I could say we once were
much more elastic
I could rave about you
but you know you're fantastic
maybe all this fanfare
is a bit bombastic

selling out to the rhyming fairy
not mixing the meat and dairy
that would not be kosher
might even be gaucher

could be just for the amusement
don't get lost in the confusement
though it might be an improvement
this has only one conclusion

abrupt, no doubt

Certainly there is little doubt that I would do cutething's bidding without much questions, but sometimes, a question cannot be avoided if there is any chance of good bidding-doing, like but where do we vote? Even deeper questions, I mean the kind of question that could rock and collapse and rise from the flames my whole world might come from the mere breath of the cutething, like when did I start using the shift key and proper punctuation?


it is sad, I've forgotten how much I know (or is that used to know, semantically) about everything. Not just everything, but everything and every thing too. Even (after reading all the babble coming below, be fair, start here, but first, let's babble) when these references stumble me (or is that me stumbling?) even as I feel one with the meaning because I want to but am not absolutely certain what or which kyo (and we can ask when does deeper become shallow? and other philosophical questions) or oglaf (though I sense some Gaiman in the flow... Latin flow, not semen flow... or I could just be getting hungry which leads me to consider the query, we were once vegetarians?... then I got distracted by those those dang Oz and a few other web folk... or perhaps we were flowers in another life, siblings from different seeds, no doubt... or cranberries, even... what? As I said, start here. See?).

But (yes, I am not only starting a sentence, but a whole paragraph with the word... grammatical correctness be damned, though I really do not want to be considered the literary Trump, rheally I don't... can we get back to cartoons, comics, and fun now?... or sex, I'll accept sex too, but not the real world, anything but the real world... please?) I do not want to delve into the muck and mire (and blood and guts) of the mess humanity has made of this world just now, so I shall leave that playlist linked in the what? above for another time, even as great as it might be (almost 500 hundred million views?... maybe that is a sign of hope... or of emo depression... will another generation rise from the ashes of the endless me (or poor me) generations again someday?... ... ... what?... how many views?... what is the youtube record?) and leave the rotting core behind so I can move along to the fun of the fair and return to the returning to the age of innocence and cutethings.

Sort of.


this may be continued...


Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Wednesday Cycle

Maybe it's a weekly cycle and Wednesday is simply the bottom out day of the emotional roller coaster that rolls around in a relatively small and economically limited circle these days. Some Wednesdays are a lot worse than others as the people I know run through their normal work week and I feel more alone than ever. maybe that's because people are more numb and unsharing on Wednesdays than other days of the week. Hump day, just plowing through.

I've filled the past few days (and weeks and months and years and lifetimes, perhaps) with babbling nonsense, distractions, and what might someday be profound insight into genius stuff, but then, who am I to judge.

As for life, this morning I waited for The Maharaja to wake and shower and head out to his daily work and projects as he usually does. Today was a late day for him.

I showered and explored the possibilities of things to do.










Nice list. Nothing. Same old nothing. Not that there is nothing on the list, just nothing new. Nothing but the same old stuff Job search. Babbling. Music. Internet. TV. Food. Clean. Drive. Shop. Walk. Exercise. Hmmmm, that last one hasn't happened for a long time. On a Wednesday? Maybe I'll just turn on the TV.

No wonder nobody stays in touch anymore. Except J. Thanks J.

After lunch, chicken and spaghetti, decided I'd write some more and pulled some words out of my last email to J to provide us with an entry or few. So there was one this morning and here comes another now. On to another TV series, John Doe, and it's showing a lot of stupidity, false logic, bad writing, and mediocre acting. The writers have no clue how to develop characters and the main character especially, but most characters are written as stupid, emotionally weak, and shallow. Way too much formula, overdone contrived emotions, and way too many shortcuts.

Eli Stone, on the other hand, was well done. While I had to ignore a whole lot of god references as if there was no doubt at all that a god actually exists (which, for the rational mind in this physical world is simply illogical, but then, they did say acupuncture is not real so there is some rational thought, however skewed, in the show... a complete lack of skepticism belongs in churches, not in TV shows... though there may be more empirical evidence for acupuncture than for the religious concept of god, but that's the way of this world so let's get back to ignoring the god references and returning to enjoying the show). Season one was very well done. A mix between Ally McBeal and Touched By An Angel, the latter show annoyed me with way too much blind faith and lack of reason or skepticism.

Anyway, let's get back to me (cuz you want to know), Monday I spent the majority of the day online job searching starting before sunrise and then went to the afternoon appointment with the GI Specialist doctor. I was sad afterward because of the experience, so I watched internet TV (in the past week or so I watched the entire two seasons of a detective/cop show called Life which I and started a two season series called Eli Stone which continues... both have some merit, though the latter faded as the writing got weaker while I wish the former would have continued into a third season).

I can talk about other things to, in case it matters.

Somewhere along the way in the past few days I felt like writing again and poured a lot of babble into the daily blogs with musical accompaniment as music replaced video. Well, it will alternate with video. The video is when I want to just vege. The music is when I want to feel. So what else is new?

Jackson called. We spoke for five minutes as she drove home from work. Awkward. She cares too much, she says. Needs space, needs time, ok. I'll be as silent and invisible as I can be and see if that helps. If she really cares, I don't see how it can, because pushing me away and not being there for me at all is certainly not caring and certainly no way to relieve guilt of using me, but I'll give her what she says she needs. That's what friends are for.

Harpo called a few times while I was doing other things and I called him back. He's been stressing over plans for holiday parties and explained, again, why he does not want to have one at his place and that there was going to be one at Sarducci's place, which is pretty tiny and won't fit more than a handful of people comfortably. He told me the details were posted on Facebook and I was invited. I don't want to go on Facebook. For too many reasons to think about at the moment, Facebook is depressing and I do not want to add or feed any depressive thoughts in my head.

More and more, avoiding Facebook definitely limits my social interactions and opportunities for more. Too many people I know (Jackson and Harpo, the two who have been closest for the last ten years, especially... and a few larger groups as well) depend on FB for the entirety of their daily communications about social activities. People have gotten so superficial and distance because of the social media dependency, actually being there for someone and caring is becoming a rare occurrence and a skill people seem to be losing. The socially accepted norm is to treat spontaneity as awkward or intrusive, even rude and shunned. I don't like the direction our culture is headed.

Like Jack said in that movie, people can't handle the truth.

People do not seem to understand the serious risks of such a disconnected, impersonal culture. More people need to read Huxley, Orwell, and other writers of dystopia to wake up (though most would probably just get depressed as that seems to be the popular reaction to pending doom or the reality of human existence... I am still energized and find hope in the creative expression of anything, almost... actual physical abuses and harms in physical life do not amuse or inspire me no matter how creative it might be, but that's another TV series we won't ride into babble for the moment as there is quite enough non-physical abuse {neglect, careless disregard, etc.) going on in "real" life these days), but then, I may digress (I just spent more than an hour reading other sites and the brain loves the charge of information, creativity, and energy). I am really excited to have found these audio files and look forward to listening to more such audio books and shows as long as my ears can function. (Tinnitus is not always fun) :)

Just because I am smiling does not mean I am happy with the world. I am just happy.

Even if that makes no sense to you.

Happy missing you.

Narf :)

GI Doh!

Ok, so apparently I avoided thinking about the visit with the GI Specialist and instead rambled on about music and video and whatever else might have amused and distracted me, but hey, that was a very positive experience for me so I am happy I can still doctor myself better than anyone else. The doctor visit, on the other hand, was not the positive experience I was hoping for, but then, I am not too disappointed as I was not expecting much from a free clinic GI specialist.

The title of this entry has little to do with the military or soldiers except for the impersonal rush through follow orders especially do not think, just respond and follow orders mentality that is the military way. What the title does refer to is the fact that the GI specialist who saw me might as well be named John Doe for I have no clue who he is. No card, no paper with his name on it, he didn't even introduce himself (or his companion who held a laptop and was typing into it as I spoke, I think... the few minute interview with cursory examination was so rushed and brief, it's a blur in memory). He rushed through a a couple of questions, hardly giving me time to think about the answers and ultimately, this was simply a cursory obligatory face-to-face that allowed him to order a colonoscopy, though he would not actually share that much honesty or at all.

I really must get a printer and print out a bullet point list of my history, chronic symptoms, my current symptoms, and what I am doing about it including medications and supplements so I don't leave things out as doctors and interviewers pop in and out of exam rooms where I wait and get sluggish and foggy for hours. He was not callous or unpleasant or dismissive (borderline), but rushed. Very rushed. Extremely rushed, like most medical specialists and many doctors. Bedside manner and human relations and psychology must be left out of the many years of schooling and on-the-job experience it takes to become a doctor, no less a specialist. It seems the more money a doctor makes per hour, the less time they want to spend with a patient. Humans.

This is a free clinic, however, so it is not so much greed that applies as it does in other circumstances, simply a busy doctor wanting to get on with his life while still feeling good about giving a few hours to a free clinic once a month.

I am cynical, probably unfair, but that does not change the fact that modern medical care and people in general have lost the human compassion that is supposed to be the fundamental product of medical care - care being the operative word and point. Our culture has become so impersonal and automated and rushed, people simply don't show they care anymore and since caring is a verb, an action and not just an intention, people do not care. I'll indulge my philosophical displeasure another time.

So after sitting in a cold exam room for almost an hour waiting after sitting in a waiting room for an hour waiting after sitting on a bench outside their offices waiting for an hour (though I didn't sit most of the time, so actually standing most of those three hours), I was tired and less "oriented" (not disoriented, just not sharp and quick with my list of important information and answers) when the man flash into the room followed by the man with the laptop like a circus clown and juggler throwing questions at me without introduction or sitting down or any real humanity. The examination was a 15 second stethoscope listen to my chest and a two tap palpitation of my stomach after a few basic question legally confirming what was already on my chart.

It could have been phoned in and the stress on the body and mind would have been a whole lot healthier. Three months since I first went in for this and a month wait to see this specialist and my head was spinning it was so rushed. So it was rather disappointing except - - -

He said he was ordering a colonoscopy.

I don't actually have the appointment and he did not tell me when I might get one, but he confirmed I should get one without hesitation. He said they only do general anesthesia, which I completely despise for I'd rather be awake and not drugged into unconsciousness. That means side effects and dangers of serious reactions and more, I'll need someone to drive me there and back and that will not be simple at all. I am not asking someone to take a day off from work because no one I know would do that comfortably and I ask way too much of people already. I don't need the additional stress of others adding to my wait and stress.

So they told me a case worker will call me. I probably should have said I will find a ride and I might have just gotten an appointment. Anyway, hopefully my not having a ride will not be as big an obstacle as the doctor made to out to be.

The last time GI Specialist who did a colonoscopy for me was much more accommodating and caring and reassuring. This guy gave me the impression that they never let a patient stay awake, no less actually watch the procedure on the monitor, because it is way too complicated with traumatic discomfort. I told him I've worked health care all my life and watched many procedures and I know this is a 15 minute procedure that I watched on a monitor with local anesthesia last time I had one, but he was dismissive and passed me to a subordinate who did not introduce himself who told me to wait outside while they do paperwork.

Another person I never met who didn't introduce herself then came out to the waiting room and handed me a single sheet of paper in front of strangers and started telling me I'd be contacted by a case worker and she saw on my face that I did not like the public communication and quickly said "someone will call you" walked away quickly. Five hours of mostly waiting and someone will call me to set up the procedure they knew I needed last month. Modern medical care. Definitely a very different "bedside manner" for the Monday evening volunteers than the Tuesday morning group.

Still, I will hope the case worker does call and gets me a colonoscopy... and then I will hope that goes well and I get some reasonably good news about why my anemia and bleeding is getting worse... waiting a month for Monday night's rush through was no fun which is likely why I didn't think about it for a couple of days... no new blood tests, no stool sample or urine test, strange medicine. Just the same "concern" and "urgency" that I get more tests, especially a colonoscopy, to determine where I am losing blood and what is causing my anemia to get worse and cautions and reminders about drinking water and taking iron supplements and avoiding stress and blah blah blah the general doctor had more than a month ago.

Ok, I vented frustration and now will stay positive. It's free medical care, after all, so I must remember to be as appreciative as I am (and I am appreciative and thanked each person (all eight of them) who did something for me for volunteering their time even if it was to their back as they rushed away) under the stress, concern, fear, and frustration of delays and poverty and helplessness. Stay positive. Stay appreciative.

Yup, I can do that.

You? :)