I was up all night, again, watching internet TV. I started Mars and wanted to watch all six episodes. It was not bad, though I really am tired of the stupidity of humanity and would like to change my perception as I see it in everything too much and really would like my optimism to come back more.
I woke noon-ish and babbled since. If I had an accurate T-Shirt to wear to express what is going on inside of me at the moment, it would read:
Let's see. The previous entry is the likely culprit as I ventured into the links on the right over there (glancing right on this page) and decided it was time to update one of the pages which lead to updating all of the pages (I think) which lead to thinking and pondering and analyzing and contemplation, and that, as it often does, introspective babble full of distractions and the usual suspects. I think I am starting to be ready to maybe come to terms with the reality of my relationships in this life and accept the sad reality of losing both of the closest friends I thought were family. I am not sure if I avoided all the grieving stages and just started working on acceptance (logic says that is impossible, so maybe I learned to repress... finally human after all these years... which may be why I am so unhappy with my perspective of humanity... who'd have thought that I'd be sad after decades of trying to be human to fit in... sigh... laugh... sigh).
Actually, this previous entry may have been the previous entry I was referring to in the previous paragraph so there may be a nevermind appropriate for this babble, but we'll just plod ahead and hope you care enough to ask for clarification if you are confused. If you are not confused, you obviously are filling in the blanks yourself and probably did not click on the links or read it all. Be that as it may be, it could have been this previous entry just as well.
So here we are, lethargic and uninspired in body, buzzing but in no mood for doing anything other than self-indulgent babble in mind. And there are parties tonight, as usual.
Curly texted me late yesterday to let me know he was having a party. I suppose The Commodore mentioned to him that I am not on Facebook these days - or perhaps he thought of that himself. Or perhaps he just continued doing what he's been doing which is to not want to hang out with me as he continues to put space between us. We used to text and talk almost daily, now, rarely. I don't recall the last time he called and he doesn't include me in group card night texts anymore. It started over the summer and I might have a few texts from him since September when he have me the ultimatum to pay $900 a month or move out of the unfinished storage apartment where he let me stay. I went from brother and assistant lawn care maintenance guy to evicted tenant to occasional friend almost overnight.
Anyway, I am not in the mood for a party so I probably won't go there. Especially since I was invited to other parties weeks ago and I told those people I would go. I spoke with Lonewolf and Venisa about getting together and heading to Harpo's as he will be staying home with his mom. Not much in the mood for that either, but I texted Lonewolf to see what they are up to. There is another party at Glinda's that Harpo told me about as well. Apparently I am invited on Facebook. Apparently nobody read my last Facebook post that said I don't want to be on Facebook so call or text if you want to reach me. Apparently I am tired of the lack of real communication and caring that Facebook and texting has lead people into. Apparently few others are as tired of it as I am.
I may have written this elsewhere (in which case I apologize for typing their instead of they're, in case bugs you), but I seriously I doubt anyone who calls me friend in the "real world" could give accurate answers to these questions with any real meaning or depth. Unless they're psychic. The answers are in all of my blogs, often linked on sidebars for easy reference, and have been for many years. Who cares, really?
Not wanting to go out for financial reasons, as going to parties empty handed is so not fun for me - but then, many people do it so I could get over that displeasure, maybe. Getting in the mood to overlook the commonly accepted superficiality and pretense of friends in our culture is a bit of a snag at the moment. Perhaps I'll shower and reassess the situation. My fingers and toes are actually cold (it was 46 degrees last night and it never did warm up in this space even though it got up to 72 degrees today). I did text Lonewolf as he and Venisa are to of the most real people I know, so perhaps there is some hope for the social me after all.
The text said something like this:
I'm sitting here laughing as I am not in a party mood and wondering if my smile is because I am pleasing the rebel child in me who is happiest when doing the opposite of what the world expects. Are you guys doing anything tonight?
There is, of course, the general blah and bloat I ate myself into the past few days. And I really want to write more too. We shall see what shall be when it becomes what it is.