Saturday, April 30, 2016

Burning Candles

The title of today's in case it matters entry (which was Something's Burning Somewhere in case it matters) is a reference to a Harry Chapin song, The Town that Made America Famouse, in case you didn't know. One thing burning is my candle at both ends. The title of this entry refers to that and also to Elton's Candles in the Wind and Neil's it's only castles burning (and suddenly pulling muscles from the shell flashes through my psyche for seriously no apparently reason and no additional meaning... perhaps distraction was in order).

What this is getting at, or to, is the fact that I am living a much busier life now than when I was working and I would most likely not be able to do it if I could not sleep late most days. I am burning out on fun and distraction. Weekends especially. Today I woke early and texted Curly because he was thinking of heading up here early to look around and make plans for a backyard where I can park my car. He slept in, so I went back to sleep and woke before noon to find Curly fixing a garbage disposal at his mom's house.

We went out for lunch (a $1.50 hot dog that included a drink at Costco's so chill on the luxury tax, m'ok? lol) mostly because he had to shop for some stuff to finish putting in an electric outlet somewhere and I kept him company. We returned here and he left and I got ready for Friday softball. Deja Vu. As we were batting in the bottom of the fourth inning ahead 13-8, the sky opened and just like last week, the games were called. Ordinarily I'd head home, write, and rest (cuz I try not to go out to eat with the team anymore to save money). Especially since I have an extremely busy day tomorrow.

Instead, I drove straight to Curly's to meet him and Excel and The Commodore and Elton and Mystery (Elton's partner). I had some lasagna Curly's mom made. Then we started learning a new game Commodore bought until Elton and Mystery arrived with pizza. We took a pizza break and then we played cards the rest of the night, noticing it was after 1am during one of the breaks. Crazy as I am I was ready for more cards or games but that is where we ended.

An hour or so later and here I am, home and sleep typing.

In the morning I need to be at the Reb Bug Park fields at 8:00am. I told my new Saturday coach that I would meet him at the senior league pick-up games. That means I might get four hours sleep if I am lucky. Actually, if I am lucky it will rain out, but I don't know if they will answer the phone at the fields to let me know so I will likely have to wake and drive a half hour even if it rained. After playing sodftball for a few hours I will head home, shower, then meet a friend and head out of town (to Tampa for a night at Busch Gardens). I expect another very late night. Maybe I can nap in the afternoon, but doubtful.

So that is our catch up on the dirt, drama, and details (abbreviated for survival) as fatigue sweeps me into bed. We close with Chicago singing Wishing You Were Here and Pink Floyd singing Wish You Were Here and the dream the bass will join me and fill the bottom in (Harry again). Or the top, I am cool on the bottom.

Nite Nite :)

Friday, April 29, 2016

Family, Friends, and Fun

As I may have started to say in that brief version of life, in case it matters, family, for me, has always been some sort of financial bond. That is all I learned it could be from the people who adopted me. Uncertainty (or is that uncertainly, nyuk nyuk, oh, wise guy, aye?... hey Moe, hey Moe... why I oughta... but alas, the sound is broken on this laptop and I hear no more so who knows if the song linked actually fits what I mean to say... the shadow?) was overcome by stubbornness and it could be explained in years of therapy or in just a few moments in person if you are interested enough (and you'd have to find a way to convince me cuz I don't believe anyone is), but for now let's just say the rock doesn't fall far from the tree it's thrown at and an apple a day has nothing to do with doctors. Listen a while and you may be enlightened or find an enigmatic fool playing the part of an egocentric know-it-all. Batteries not included.

So I have been paying for Precious' phone for a decade or more. That's a bunch of money, I suppose. $50 a month for 120+ months, but who's counting. In the last few years I just considered it a birthday and holiday gift. Given that I am without income at the moment, I figured it was time to ask her to start paying for her phone and she has a better job these days so she says she can without a struggle. Yay. We went to the phone store and changed out the SIM card in her phone because her old phone was cracked and a friend gave her an iPhone 5 to use which is actually an upgrade from her iPhone 4. Hey, she's been poor too, don't judge us. My phone is more than five years old. Hey, it was cutting edge hot stuff (quote the review at the time):

While there's competition coming right around the corner, this is the best phone on AT&T, and the first phone I've used that is a true competitor to the iPhone for the average consumer. It's no "iPhone killer", because that doesn't exist. But it's easy to use, looks great, is well built and provides a great user experience -- some things we don't always see with other phones. I've enjoyed my time with it (something that isn't always true) and would recommend it to anyone who was comfortable with the size, and knows they will be able to use a charger when they need to.

HTC has done this one right.

Yeah, baby, the old girl was hot. But I digress. Naturally. We took care of her phone needs and I did not take her to dinner (I usually do) because I am not gonna spend money the way I usually do. It was great to see her though and we will get together more often, hopefully not just so she can give me her phone payments. She doesn't have a car at the moment so I have to drive to her, 45-50 minutes and longer if there is traffic, but she's about 15 minutes from Curly and I am at his place at least once a week so it should work out. If I have not introduced her, Precious is Rasputin's daughter (I probably didn't introduce him either... you can find both of them two blogs back as I've known Rasputin for about sixteen years and he moved in to my first apartment after I moved back to Orlando after my first roommate moved out and Precious moved in when she was about 12 cuz her mom was having financial issues and stress... I adopted her as I am apt to do and after Rasputin moved out of state during her college years {which is another long story you'll find in the old blogs} I continued looking out for her and as I mentioned, have been paying for her phone for years until today... Yay Precious, you're doing well).

I'll get a new phone when I find income again. So after dropping Precious home (which is another long story because she is living across the hall from my first apartment when I moved back to Orlando, yes, the one Rasputin moved into back in 2002 or so. I lived there about seven years and ran in the park behind the apartment almost every day. I lived in three apartments in that community because we moved into a three bedroom when Precious moved in and then had to move after the 2004 Hurricane season when Charlie about took the roof off. Tennis, swimming, the gym, and running were a regular part of life while living there. It was truly a beautiful place to live because of the park out behind the community that was park of a 22 mile nature trail that runs through the country. The memories were flooding back and while sadness over how far I've allowed this body to slide down the aging path was slapping me in the face harder than the cool breeze blew the wonderful memories of the fresh foliage into my nose, sigh, what a drag it is getting on), I headed to Curly's to pick him up.

At Curly's I had a hot dog and sausage (breakfast) and then we headed to Excel and the Commodore's place for what has become out Thursday night Bridge game. Excel made pepper steak, veggies, and rice. Yummy with some added seasoning (she doesn't add a lot because she has a son and young daughter and her daughter is a picky eater). After dinner we played five or six rounds of Bridge and although I was a bit wonky at first, I ended up winning the night. The Commodore said my beginner status has been revoked lol. I suppose that means I will not be asking as many questions as I do. If we were playing at a club, all the table talk I do would not be permitted but we are playing for fun and they are teaching me the game (and there is so much to learn) so they tolerate me. We have fun and they seem to enjoy teaching me the game. Commodore pushed me to six diamonds and I made my second Slam tonight. I think it was my second, it may have been my first and the hand I am remembering might have been five. Anyway, it was fun and he was happy he pushed me to go for a Slam.

We broke up around midnight and I drove Curly home and then headed back here. Used a lot of gas today, but then, I live here for cost free and they feed me regularly so the least I can do is drive. Curly is coming by here to do some work at his mother's house and then level out some mulch piles that were delivered today. I hope to wake to help and so we can work out the plan for the backyard. To wake, however, I really ought to get some sleep. Three cans of Code Red tonight was not a wise move. 510 calories the body certainly did not need. Not to mention well over a hundred grams of sugar. Stupid, from a health and weight perspective. But the taste buds love me. Maybe that's what should be carved on my tombstone (or ern), His Taste Buds Loved Him lol lam, sigh. There is some other reading out there as my dream of finding someone who wants to walk my written gardens with me is alive and well, not to mention my dream of finding someone who wants to share more, life, even, and someone who might even be the one (the hopelessly hopeful romantic lives!) in spite of all the evidence that she may not actually exist outside of my head.

Isn't this a babbly entry. Well, the dirt, drama, and details does live up to it's title now and then. How much more would you like to know about me? Feel free to discuss that with yourself and let me know. :)

As ET said, Be Good. :)

How Not to Be Bored

Sometimes I just feel like highlighting some paths through my written gardens online in links as I write (can you find the original link to my written gardens online in the paragraph below?) just to amuse us and keep us from getting bored (or am I just amusing myself?... well I am laughing anyway) and also (very much so) with the hope that someone might be interested in me as a writer or a person (or both) enough to start a link-clicking journey (and there are so many possible paths you could take if you came back every day you might never take the same path twice) and explore the creativity on the way to finding me cuz I am in there somewhere in the mass of words and sounds and images (along with so much more it might get confusing which is partly to keep you amused and entertain and partly to see if you really want to know me)... hey, I can dream. :)

This was actually written as a paragraph for another blog and I just brought it here to share in case you might find you want to know more. All the years online are stored in several hundred blogs and sites made up of tens of thousands of pages and the links below are one way to begin (with thousands of variations). The every changing landscape of this life within my mind is reflected in the way I present myself tonight.

Yes, I am fine and you can find all the years are marked in time in blogs and so much more (and more) as they pass (the last eight) and you can go back even further and even back further still and if you look for it you can find history almost to the very beginnings of what we might call me (who me?) and that (and this) is just the fraction of the writings that have made it online, I mean, in case it matters to you (Get it, in case it matters to you). Yes, I know, there is a lot and today there is still more and that just scratches the surface of this life in words and images and video and music and bullsugar you can find on the web. From brief philosophy to news of the world to songs you never heard to wordz from who knows where the fundamental truth is self-evident for anyone to find and I'll repeat in case you wonder or have any concern that I am fine in case you think I've lost my mind.

Yes, just in case it matters to you, just in case you want to know me, just in case you enjoy reading and exploring a web-world created for the wonder and the fun and the message and the hope of finding someone who can relate to me and maybe understand me and maybe even like me and if we are very lucky, fall in love.

Note: You are not required to fall in love, or even like me, to enjoy your journey. :)

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Returning To Winning Ways

Not just in softball, but softball is part of thehe positivity rises inside then everything in life gets a little or a lot betters. Sometimes, I am just not paying attention. So the Sunday league team is on an 8 game winning streak moving into a tie for third with a record of 9-2 beating the only undefeated team this week, and the Monday night team won it's last two, this week beating an undefeated team than won it all last season, the Wednesday night team won it's first two games of the season. Friday was rained out last week so we play our first game this Friday and the Saturday league is on hiatus so I'll be playing with the seniors who meet at a field every Saturday morning and moving to a new Saturday team that will have a practice Saturday afternoon after the seniors are done. In spite of the ups and downs and challenges, My teams (not including the new tournament team that is just starting out in a crazy over-our-heads league) are 13-3 this season so far and 12-0 in our last 12 games. Feel good about it, dangit! lol lam :)

The arm is sore as it heals slowly because I am pitching so much. The shins and foot are healing slowly too. The right leg is not more swollen today so I will leave the bandage on overnight and shower in the morning (I know, stinky, but it was cool tonight and I went hitless (pitched great, we won 6-3) so I didn't perspire much and I don't want to re-bandage cuz it is not easy to do in this space (and with the belly and aches) and I can save money on the first aid supplies. Everything is a compromise and losing the benefits of hot showers as often as I'd like them is one compromise I must make these days. In case it matters to you (or anyone, ya know?).

You may have read that I cut my hair tonight. Yes, chopped, is more accorate. It did not help with my hitting as I was tired so I accept an off night because I am hitting well this month). I doubt anyone will say anything about the mess because it is usually a mess these days. I wonder if anyone will even notice.

As noted above, the Wednesday night softball league team finally played and we won 6-3 against a very good team with an excellent pitcher. That puts us in a 3 way tie for first as the other six teams in the league each have at least one loss. Half the teams are very good, one is a tournament team that should wipe everybody off the field (and hopefully they won't hurt anyone) and the other half may be easy wins. They just put everyone in one division which has it's pros and cons for us because we are a middle team that won the lower division last season. I suddenly have a pretty good defense on Wednesdays with the addition of a good atheletes, few girls and a couple of guys so I am hopefully we will contend even though half the teams are upper division and at least one is dangerously good.

I resisted stopping for food or snacks again. The wallet and waistline smile. Getting home, I parked out back again because the people in the other apartments that share this house had guests and one parked in my spot again. I already have damage to my car parking along the path to the back house so I won't park there anymore. I talked with Curly and he approves the plan to clear the back of the house and make me a parking spot and backyard back there. I'll do most of the work, but he'll lend me the equipment. He previously talked about eventually doing that and making sliding glass door and patio so this would be going in that direction without the cost.

Yeah, so in case it matters, it was a good day (great for a Wednesday) and overall life is still wonderful and the stupidity of self-pity may be waning (I usually tired of it sooner than this, but I really didn't want to accept the choice Jackson made to not help me at all when I needed it most after all the years I helped her so much, especially when she easily could have and worse, she just avoided me as she has for so long... feeling used... hush, it was my choice to adopt her and family is family).

So readjusting perspective I come to a better Wednesday. Letting go is sad, but it does allow rebuilding to improve. Reviewing the last six weeks, the challenges have been many. The disappointments huge and so very heavy on my spirit, soul, psyche, or whatever that emo-mind connection is called this year. The wonderfulness of an old friend helping as only really good family would is beyond words good. The softball has been much better than the previous season, 13-3 overall, 12-0 in the last 12 games (not included the new tournament team playing in the crazy new tournaments). The body is taking a beating and it is still ticking. I made the adjustments I needed to make and am comfortably sitting in the recliner with internet and the laptop in a safe space.

Now if only I was not so alone here. Or in this space, for that matter (nudge nudge). Ah, I may never be satisfied, but that is the best reason to go on living... always striving for more and better and the dream) :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Infections Suck

So I knew it was happening and let it happen anyway which means I was fooling myself when I said I was all better in the best place inside. After all, how could I be there without some more vigorous exercise (the wise one inside knows). The leg has an infection from all the brusing and cuts and scratches I got last Thursday (I think it was Thursday) when doing the landscaping work at that warehouse that makes sets for The Ellen Show and sets and props for other TV and movie and stage productions. I didn't clean the leg well until late in the evening which gave the dirt and bacteria almost twelve hours to grow and then I did not clean and bandage it daily since then as if the body was still a teenager that heals without any treatment or effort. The dog scratch the week before that and the softball smash on the arm over the weekend gave the body even more stress and bacteria to fight and that stretched the healing mechanisms to their limits. So this morning I passed a kidney stone and may have a kidney infection or a URI too. If the leg swells any more tomorrow I will consider seeking someone who will write me a prescription for an antobiotic. The trouble is there are different antibiotics for blood tissue infections and kidney/URI infections and other infections. No health insurance or income makes medical care emergency only. Shhh, healing thoughts all night.

Then there is the heel pain which seems part achilles and part planar fascitis which may be aggrevated by the leg infection but probably comes more from the fact that the right cleat is not right. Poor support and shifting sand under the insole presents the foot with all sorts of discomfort and adjustments that strain some muscles more than others and while there is no pain while running, when I slow down and walk there is pain and when I first stand up there is major pain until I stretch and loosen up the foot and heel. The right knee is also letting me know the right cleat just is not right, so I really must look into getting new cleats and cushioned inserts. Not to mention the protective gear. Softball is my biggest expense these days, but it keeps me alive and keeps my spirits up so it's worth it.

So I rested most of the day. Though I only got about four hours sleep, if that much, and I woke not feeling so good but feeling better than I was feeling at bedtime because the kidney stone passed into the bladder as I slept and it flushed out when I urinated. I sat up and distracted myself with Facebook and the online world as I was too uncomfortable to sleep between the kidney stone and infected leg and bruised arm and as usual when the body is fighting infection, sniffles.

I showered and held the hottest water I could stand (which was the hottest water we've got here) on the cuts and scratches on the leg to kill as much bacteria as possible. Only one of the scratches are scabbing with a bit of puss, though the rest are redder than they could be and the leg and foot is a bit swollen. Then I searched through my first aid boxes and found the stuff I needed to treat and wrap the leg properly so hopefully it will heal without any expense. Then I headed over to Curly's for Tuesday night cards.

There were six of us tonight so we played a game called Asshole which is not a favorite of mine but it was fun anyway. Dinner was hot dogs and sausages and pork and beans and soup and macaroni salad and potato salad. Curly makes the potato salad with eggs and tomatos and it was delicious.

That was the day that was. Hope yours was fun too. :)

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Coming Home

I am back. Well, not in every way. The body is far from back in shape, but I am much more secure on the field even as I play through pains and the slow-down of aging. Even more important, I am in that good place inside that got me through every challenge I've known in this life (and I've seen more than a few devastasting changes and challenges {like homelessness in Buffalo, NY in January-February with just $4 in my pocket, a T-Shirt, and jeans... among other long sad stories I may tell one day} along the way. Not that a whole lot has changed, in fact tonight could have been a real bummer, but as Harry said so wisely so many years ago (and oh did it carve this truth into my brain), "...the difference is just in how I think and see...". I'll be listening to him the rest of the night as is often the case when he comes to mind, especially when I am close to my core which is a wonderfully better place to be. I miss you Harry.

Meanwhile, I am moving on from the expectation of hope for closeness with Jackson as I did with all the other kids I adopted along the way. With a sigh, I accept she didn't mean it when she said she wanted to stay close and pay me back some of the money I gave her. She is going well not having to pay rent and just paying utilities and her student loans and her car payments and she says she is saving some, which would be a great change. She's doing so well (not paying rent is a huge change for both of us) that she is quitting her second job, which is great as she was burning herself out. It would have been great if she followed through on her words though. Maybe down the road.

Enough hoping people will change. Returning to the comfortable place inside that I learned was my home (one can never actually be homeless when home is inside) as a very young child when even those who were called my parents showed me that self-interest (and in most cases selfishness) rules most human behavior. I'll probably give the next person the same chance I give everyone (I try unconditional trust by default because it is the best relationship possible and I give everyone who comes close the chance to share it until I am shown someone is not actually giving it back). For now, life goes on.

Softball was a challenge tonight because the arm is sore from the bruise it got on Saturday. It is not a pretty site and everyone who was at the tournament who was there tonight asked about it and most actually wanted to see it. People do care. We played the team that won the championship last year and we won 10-7 as time ran out. They were not happy with us, especially not me, and I think we didn't even slap hands in line after the game because they were so upset. They don't like me because they have trouble hitting me and I was on tonight. What they were most upset about was they were taking the field with just under 4 minutes left in the bottom of the sixth and because they didn't hustle out, their pitcher threw the first pitch with 3:10 left. I reminded everyone to take at least one strike because if the pitcher did not throw strikes we could run out the clock. That is part of the game and puts pressure on the pitcher to throw strikes. Just as the games goes to 1 pitch when it is tied after time runs out.

Their pitcher threw at least one ball to every batter and one of our batters got a hit. I got up to bat with 20 seconds left and the first pitch was a ball. The second pitch was a strike and I turned to look at the clock and say it was on 00:00 and pointed to it. The umpire turned around and I said we are home team, that's ball game. He needed reminding and called "ball game." They were so pissed and yelled I wasted time, but I simply pointed to the clock when it hit 00:00. I could have walked slower to the batters box or held my hand up and asked for time out or bent down to tie my shoe or stepped out of the box after the first pitch which all happens routinely during a game, but I knew after the first pitch that he could not pitch two more strikes in the ten seconds left so I used no delay tactics at all. I just had to remind the umpire of the rules. When time expires with the home team batting and leading, the game is over.

After the game I went over to watch Jackson's team play and they played a much better team (a team with most players in a higher division) and they lost 10-7, which is very respectible as that team wins by run rule most of the time. After the game I walked with Jackson to our cars and looked at her new car a bit (it was dark) and cheered her for getting the car she's wanted for many years and we talked a few minutes. It was late and she needs sleep. She gave me a cookie and small bag of pistachio nuts and a book called Positivity that I believe I have (if she only knew me she'd well, she'd know the positivity inside balances the professional risk manager I've been for much of my career but it ust goes to show she never really took the time to get to know me... people can only do what they can do) and a card for my birthday. I put birthdays out of my head as I usually do because they are usually so pretentious or underwhelming or disappointing as this year was and I told her I will give her the card I got her next time I see her. The deflated balloon I bought was in the car but I did not want to push her guilt buttons so I didn't mention the stuff I bought her that was time sensitive). That is when I accepted that I was moving on to my role as more distant sort of parental figure.

I headed home and instead of stopping for food as I do most of the time these days which is foolish financially, I ate a cold cut sandwich and can of spaghetti and meatballs and some macaroni salad and cole slaw (and I discovered that cole slaw and macaroni salad can still be eaten more than 2 weeks past it's "sell by" date even when opened a week before it's "sell by" date if it is kept consistently below 40 degrees), all in all about $1.50 and I drank water. Better choice, though the body still gets cheated out of fresh fruits or veggies. I've survived on worse meals.

Harry knows, a life worth living is seldom easy, but always a joy to behold.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Just A Minute, I Said

That was last Tuesday, I think. I was going to title this Oops, I Did It Again but I forgot to upload it and by now there are entries for all the missing days. See, I did not upload entries for several days because I was distracting myself with Facebook political discussions. If you missed me, that is where I have been. I am catching up on entries tonight (I hope) before I fall asleep.

Yes, I said that I will just check in for messages on Facebook. Just for a minute because I really feel like giving myself time tonight. There is value for me to read and write there, but that value quickly diminishes the more time I spend there. There is way too much repetition and redundancy (yes, both... lol lam). More destructive, there is way too much negativity from closed minds that seem conditioned to an empty method of communication that involves or is even based on labeling, insult, and provocative one liners. Conversations based on meaningful thoughts or reason are not the norm there. But isn't that humanity, after all. Rational thought is the exception to the rule.

While it may be a waste of time on many levels, it has helped me congeal my choice for President among those still running (Elizabeth Warren would be my first choice out of current politicians and given that, you can probably guess who my choice is). Yes, I've decided Bernie's dream is the American dream and we really ought to take The American Dream more seriously again. It worked pretty well for all of us the last time (Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, and Kennedy). It is sad and a bit amazing that so many people are ignorant of history and economics and politics and their own interests and what is best for them.

How anyone can justify supporting the millionaire and billionaire Corporate candidates (or the religious fanatic) is beyond any reasonable explanation I can surmise. Especially not when our government is drowning us in their corruption. People apparently don't know or believe how corrupt our politicians have become and they are laughing all the way to the bank. While we struggle more and more to make ends meet every year, politicians are giving our tax dollars to foreign countries and the defense industry, banks, and other multi-national corporations who are taking that money and putting it in foreign banks so they don't have to pay taxes on it. Reinvestment in this country is not as profitable as other investments, so our roads and bridges and buildings and water supplies and infrastructure crumbles a little more every year. They distract us from that with flag waving wars with enemies they've created and supplied.

Madness and people ignore it. See? Just a minute, I said.

It Sure was Sun-day

Yes it was hot today as the sun was blazing down and I was out there for hours on end (nine hours out there today, eleven hours out there yesterday). The fields are some of the best in town but there is very little shade (like many fields, they don't invest in shade cover because it's expensive and usually does not last long due to weather... there is probably some liability issue too that raises insurance rates). So fatigue reached exhaustion by the evening, but it was wonderful to be outdoors playing ball and hanging out with more people becoming friends.

Just as great for the team is that we won both critical games today. In spite of my badly bruised pitching arm, I pitched so well that I gave up just one run to the undefeated team that's been averaging more than 16 runs a game while averaging giving up just 4 runs a game. We beat them 8-1. Their one runner on that got around the bases needed three separate errors on three separate plays to score. I was in complete control of their batters which was a great feeling especially since I am the only one in the league able to do that. I also went 3 for 4 with a double (my last out was a long fly to right and I was at a point want to run). The team played well and the best thing about it is the defense toughtened up, though most of the balls were not hard plays. They still have a ways to go before they are World Series ready, but I think we are ready to learn what that level of play is like if we make it. Excellent softball day.

After softball I grabbed food at Arby's (yes, more fast food.... I've eaten more fast food in the past eight weeks since I've been living by myself without a kitchen than I ate all last year... burp, bloat, blah) and it did not take long to nod off in the reclinerbefore I headed to bed. Once I hit the bed I slept ten hours with just two bathroom breaks.

An excellent weekend recovering from the downbeat of last week and now, let my spirit stay high so I can let my body recover from the weekend. Life is good, even alone. :)

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Serious Softball for Fun and Hurt

Much fun and trial, but I don't think there was any tribulation today. Yes, I woke before 7am to get to the fields for the softball tournament with some trepidation because I am playing way over my head and much excitement because I am playing way over my head and will play at least three games and because these guys playing way over my head want me to pitch for them. Unfortunately, I was the only one there on time because the tournament was delayed due to yesterday's rain and nobody bothered to tell me. So much for the respect I thought I was getting, aye? Anyway, the coach of the team texted me to let me know the tournament was delayed at least an hour after I was already at the fields. That extra hour of sleep would have been sweet (and healthy).

So ok, last night's rain soaked the fields and the grounds crews were working on getting them in playable conditions and I called the rainout hotline and it was not updated from last night and I called the field offices and nobody answered. Grumps. Apparently the rest of the team was notified earlier because no one showed up until close to 9am. Fun. Grump. Blah blah blah. At least I had my comfy outdoor chair so I was relaxing while waiting.

Then the fun finally started. We played three games in a row, winning the first and losing the next two in close games. The fatigue was taking it's toll on everyone so maybe nobody got any extra sleep. We played one more game in the afternoon and lost that by one run. So four games throughout the day and in spite of losing we had much fun. As for me, I had a much better tournament than I did last time in this upper level of play. Most of these guys can pound the ball so hard that most pitchers wear catcher's gear (facemasks, knee and shin guards, and some even wear chest protectors... everyone wears cups). I started wearing shin pads a couple of years ago when I noticed my reflexes were not getting me down below my knees the way they until recently I was confident I could move my glove fast enough to catch anything above my waste that might hit my body or head. Today proved to me that I slowed too much to play at this level without more protection. Especially because these guys who play in this tournament seem to get off on hitting pitchers and some even brag about "taking pitchers out" as a strategy to win games.

So as you may have read, I am rather achy and sore and have a huge bruise on the upper portion of my pitching arm after a batted ball hit me. Ouch. The ball bounced off the outer portion of my upper arm and landed in the shortstop's glove which allowed him to turn a double play. That's probably one reason the other team did not express much concern aboutme. I survived and went right on pitching. I did fill a bag with ice to put on the impact spot. Surprised nobody else did as we had some spectators including the wives of two of our players.

Anyway, all in all we did better than last tournament but the level of skill in this tournament is way above mine so there's a much higher risk of injury. I am definitely getting more protective gear. I tried two different facemasks and did not like either, but I will choose one and get used to it. Not a great time to be spending $60-$100, but then, I like my teeth and face and would like to live to play another dozen or few years. A few people came to me with stories of friends and family who were pitchers who were hostpitalized for weeks and some in comas and lost a dozen teeth and went broke needing facial reconstruction surgery and never worked again and I will put the mask on for future tournaments even though I will lose an advantage over the batters, at least at first.

After the tournament, the team went out to dinner but I passed up on dinner with the team so I could get to Excel and the Commodore's place for Saturday night Bridge night and dinner. That saves money and lets me rest more, which is a wise choice even though I want to bond more with this team. We had much fun tonight even though the Saturday night group is not as much fun as the Tuesday or Thursday night group. I stopped for food along the way so I wouldn't be so hungry when I got there. McDonald's for the first time in at least a couple of years. Bloat. Not even a good taste treat for me. They made a ground turkey and veggies stir fry. It is still very kind of my old and new friends to feed me three nights a week. With a sigh of almost acceptance, I bring to conciousness the fact that it's kind of surprising people closer to me don't offer, but that's life with people.

Anyway, tomorrow there is more early morning softball so I really must find the unwind button and fall asleep soon but I am kind of wired. Clear the mind, focus on the good, let those who don't care go, let the troubles of the world continue without me tonight, and move on.

Nite Nite Love you

Fun and Distraction

Seems I wrote this and forgot to post it and re-wrote the events of the day. So we have a rare opportunity to compare the summary of the day I wrote on the day it happened with the summary of the day I wrote a couple of days after it happened. I won't tell you which is which and you can tell me what you think. I mean, if you ever get here.

So yes, working hard on having fun and creating distraction not just because I am missing Jackson and sad (and hurt) that we have not gotten together once since we moved apart (almost 7 weeks and just one passing hello for a few minutes and a brief half hug at the softball field a month ago before our separate games), not even for our birthdays which were this month and not just cuz I am stressed about money because I have no income and drained my savings over the years to help her and not just cuz of general loneliness either... I am very much enjoying the frivolous and somewhat superficial distractions of playing cards and games three nights a week and playing softball three nights a week and on both Saturdays and Sundays and basically keeping so busy I don't have time to think much or miss anyone or think about why I am lonely or stress over anything... yeah, something about fun and distractions.

So today it was a full day of softball as we played four (maybe it was five) games at the tournament (the crazy one I have no business playing in because they are young maniacs who hit at the pitcher when they are losing and I am not nearly as fast reacting to protect myself as I was just a few years ago... sigh... the years take their toll). It was much fun and I played better than last time and we went 1-3 instead of 0-3 and I only got hit once and there is a huge bruise on the anterior aspect of my right bicep and tricep (it rings three quarters of the way around the upper arm) cuz the ball was probably traveling more than 90 miles an hour when it hit me and then bounced off into the shortstop's glove so he was able to turn a double play by catching the ball and then stepping on second base which was really cool. On top of the many cuts, scratches, and bruises on the legs from the lawn work I did with Curly on Friday, this body is more beat up and has more open skin areas and bruises than it has had in many years. I think I will survive though.

I drove straight from the softball fields to Excel and the Commodore's place (skipping an after tournament dinner with the team because I wanted to play Bridge and also because I eat for free there, though I did stop for a burger on the way so I would not be such a pig cuz I was too hungry when I got there). Bridge was much fun, though not as much fun as Thursday nights cuz Thursday nights are just the four core players. Others sometimes join us on Saturday nights and that creates a different fun mix. Someone else keeps score on Saturdays so it does not get recorded in Curly's iPad so it does not become part of the cummulative scoring we've been keeping on Thursday nights and I do not have access to the numbers so it is not as much fun from a number-fun perspective. I am still getting better at the game which is much fun. After Bridge Excel and the Commodore and I played another game because the Commodore is very much like me in loving playing games and he has late hours because he is retired and naps whenever he wants to throughout the day or evening. He was napping when we got there tonight. I want to be retired like him someday. :)

Now I may catch up on writing a bit but I really must talk myself into winding down and finding sleep because I have at least two more games to play tomorrow and we can't afford to lose another game on Sundays if we want to get to the world series this year (I will go with another team even if my team does not finish in the top two in the league, but it would be good to take this team back to the series as they made it two years in a row and missed it last year. Though there are just a few people still on the team from two years ago because several moved up to the next level of play and several left to join another team (that team only has one loss this year. They beat us in our first game of the season when we were totally not ready to play because we had not one practice and added five new players, three of whom had no softball experience, and they all played that game... as I said, if we don't make it I will go with another team who's coach had his or her team ready to play day one). Last year I went with another team and we finished 6th out of 54 teams. That team, though rebuild, is in third place with two losses. Tomorrow we play the first place team who are undefeated (we are in fourth with two losses) and if we don't beat them our chances of going to the searies are slim to none. As it is we need three teams to lose another game and they don't play each other and they have pretty easy schedules to finish their season. The current first place team that we play tomorrow asked me if I'd go with them to the series if they make it and my team doesn't. The third place team also asked me to go. The second place team will probably ask if they go. Just two teams get to go. Good to be wanted. :)

Yeah, so unwind already, aye? lol lam :)

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Rainouts Are Seldom Fun

Today was a rather grumpy day. I think I am fine tuning some of the last adjustments to accepting the reality of the changes and challenges I am living through and the pouty child hangs on to the poor-me why-me life's unfair denial of reality as long as I let him and I let him soak up the self-pity longer than I should sometimes because it let's him realize the reality on his own instead of having to force facts down his throat. Everyone should know their inner child as well as I do, it would be a much more peaceful world. Not to mention happier and more optimistic and more generous and more forgiving and more altruistic and a bit more egotistic, but in a humble sort of way lam (the self-mockery is a wonderful elixor everyone should have in their back pocket when ego gets blind drunk).

If only you understood me, you'd love me even more (wink wink, nod nod, where's a blind bat when we need one?). So anyway, as I was saying, today Curly come over to pick up his tools that he left here and to do some work on his mom's house and on the other apartments in this house and maybe in here too. I was a little grumpy cuz I wanted some me time and I was doing a second load of laundry and I did not want to be his helper today or have him working in this cramped space because I would not be able to do laundry or anything (it is that cramped). The body was still recovering from yesterday and knew I had a whole lot of softball (starting tonight) all weekend and needed to get my very sore feet and shins and muscles rested and recovered. Not to mention laundry done. He understood.

I did get laundry done and then I drove 40 mminutes to the field and just before our game the skies opened up big time. So the opposing team did not show Wednesday and tonight, the rain showed just before our game time. The body probably benefited from the rest, but the rest of me wants more exercise and softball. After the softball rainout I decided to head home instead of going out with the team which saved money and may have saved calories. Still not hard core focused on dropping weight or exercising (got to get your mind right, boy), but the lawn work and increased softball is putting this body through some serious paces and I do want to keep that up even though I wanted today off.

I must remember me...

Friday, April 22, 2016

Bounce Back Thursdays

Scheduling things to do on Thursdays seems to be a reasonable cure for Wednesdays, though it starts the long weekend that ends with collapse early in the week or complete collapse on Wednesdays. I must reframe this to make Wednesdays the glorious rest day, a luxury few people can afford (hush, no money talk) and I am lucky enough to get to sleep past noon. Yeah, it's all a matter of perspective. Now I just need to remember how to enjoy the isolation. Hmmmm. First, it's not isolation, it's solitude. Self-time. Valuable self-time few people outside of monasteries and mountain cabins get. Or something like that. I wonder if there are any monasteries around here.

Yeah, right, so ok... today (we really should not be laughing at me, it's sad and all, uh-huh), I picked up Helen's mom early in the morning and took her to an eye doctor appointment. That occupied a few hours and she was very appreciative and gave me $20 which I know better than to refuse because it's one of those taboo things you just do not do with people of her generation. She kept asking me if it was enough after she shoved it in my hand and forced my hand closed and pushed my hand away. You may have experienced something like it if you had or have a grandparent, especially a grandmother. Anyway, her appreciative words really felt good.

Then I gave Curly a call to let him know I was done and was ready to help him with lawn work we scheduled for this afternoon and evening. First we did his mom's house which does not take long as it is about a third acre. Then we went to the big job, a business in a big warehouse (they make sets and props for TV, movies, and theatre and I am told they do the sets for The Ellen Show. Looking inside their warehouse is quite interesting. Anyway, we worked long hours in the sun. My part was over an hour of edging and weed wacking the front couple of acres. Curly had not cleared the trees for some time so there was a lot of thick brush to weed-wack and lots of twigs and stones flying back at my shins. A couple of dozen scratches and a dozen bruises later, the front area looked better than it had in some time. Curly was doing a perimeter of the area on the stand-on riding mower while I abused my legs. Next time I will be wearing long thicker pants (must find jeans that fit) and possible shin pads even though it will be brutally hot. I am used to wearing shin pads playing softball, so I should adjust.

After that we switched and I finished the front acreas riding the mower while he went to the much parger back areas to edge and weed-wack. I then went to town with the riding mower on the back area for a couple of hours while he had time to service his equipment (take things apart, clean and grease them, and do masic maintenance he doesn't get to do while out doing lawns). Muscles were very sore but more, the shins were covered with sctratchs, a few cuts (gouges), and bruises and bouncing on the riding more left my feet bruised and aching while steering with hand controls left my hands numb. Good exercise, but next time I must have better footwear as $15 dollar sneakers did not give my feet the support they needed. Learning experience. Lots ot pain. We did a good job though.

Then we drove back here and he dropped me off and I am not sure if I showered and collapsed or just collapsed, but I am pretty sure the shower came first as the sheets are not covered with dirt and sand and stickies and grass and blood. I finally empty the car (three cases of water, three dozen cans of pasta, three clothes hanging/drying racks, and a few other things). I put two of the drying racks together and did one load of laundry today and hung it up. The racks work well in this space (I hope, we shall see how the clothes dry tomorrow). I must work on clearing the other room (getting a whole lot of heavy stuff accross the soft sandy dirt to the garage on the other side of the house).

That was Thursday. Hope yours was fun too. :)

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Humps On Wednesday

Yes, and as I noted briefly, not the fun kind of hump involving body bumping and grinding with another person I find sensually stimulating, but the downbeat bummer depressing kind that has been coming pretty consistently on Wednesdays since moving into this space. I sleep in later usually because I am giving the body more recovery time after long physical weekend days that it does not always get on Monday or Tuesday because I play softball Monday nights and play cards past midnight on Tuesday nights. It is quite reasonable to sleep long into the morning or even afternoon for one who is retired and also who has a very busy active life most days and long into late evenings. On Wednesdays, however, I must be remembering that I am not actually comfortably retired and must find income again and each day I am another day older and less attractive to prospective employers.

So come Wednesdays, I apparently let the loneliness and the feelings of abandonment and the isolation and lack of income and tiny unfinished space and lack of partner and all the other blues swarm over my natural optimism enough to blacken my mind. It gets so very dark in here, it's almost scary. The feeling that nobody cares has all the evidence it possibly needs to say, see, I told you so, nobody really cares unless you are out there doing something for them and on a very important level it is true. Caring is a verb and rare is the old person cared about enough to have someone come by every day (or ever, for some... ahem, I'm almost there and would be if I didn't go out and get some attention regularly) to simply say hello, check for signs of life and happiness, and show the caring is real in the interactive physical world outside of the individual heart.

Bottom line, all my softball friends are fun and care about me on the softball field and watching games and when I go out to eat after games, but I don't drink or enjoy the clubs and bars so I don't get any closer to them than the fields and I am seldom included in other activities probably because I don't hang out social at the clubs and bars and I am a lot older than they are. My cards and games friends are fun on cards and games nights, but except for Curly we don't see each other other than those nights but hopefully that will change for a few of them as I get to know them better. Most are not active as they are very large people and do a lot of sedentary activities. I do not want to increase sedentary activities. Almost another Catch-22. Jackson has been so busy I have not seen since we moved, almost seven weeks, except for one brief side hug before our games a few weeks ago. We both had birthdays this month and she was too busy for even a phone call. Sigh. All this comes back to me on Wednesdays. Working with Curly keeps me from sinking into serious sedentary loneliness and despair.

So I have been skipping out of my mind lately on Wednesdays and I sometimes even leave the blog world cuz I do not want to think and I fall out of touch for the whole 24 hours and sometimes, like this week, disappear into Facebook or elsewhere and there are no entries until I come back and backdate some and I don't even remember what happened and the rambling on like this happens.

Yeah, who cares, right?

The good news is that Wednesday softball has started again. The bad news is it is a long drive and mediocre fields. Tonight I there only to find the team we were supposed to play forfeited, which surely did not help the mood or anything else. So maybe we should just skip Wednesdays for a while (nyuk, nyuk, big joke). As if this body needed any more junk food, I impulsively stopped at KFC/LJS (food, you should be able to figure out the names) and got chicken and shrimp which was great taste-bud satisfaction and emotional comfort for a moment. I ate in the car because the place closed at 9pm and I got there at 8:58pm. Lonely and depressing because I had to eat in the car reminding me of the living space, but yummy.

Home to distract myself with Facebook and whatever else.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

All In The Cards

Well, maybe. The cards are fun to play with whatever they may mean. Or whatever meaning we put into them. In actuality, however, it is all in the belly. Bloated like I have not been in a long time, I ate several dinners tonight. Two medium bowls of pork and beans and two large plates of shepards pie and two large slices of stuffed pork and two code reds and the belly is extended to it's limits and beyond and this must be a stopping point, a wall, a max weight point. I am eating, yes eating more, dried papaya to aide in digestion. This eating madness has got to stop.

There, the reprimand has been recorded. What else is new?

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle... Not new, I know, but the music still saves me again tonight. Hopefully I will find myself tired enough to sleep in spite of the code red and over-bloat and then wake up tomorrow with enough time to bring the clothes hanging rack inside, put it together, and do laundry. I have not actually done a wash here so not only is the balance of the washer untested but the logistics of the drying space have not been actually figured out. I let things happen at their own pace a lot when I live alone and sometimes stuff that should be done gets left until it is a larger job than it ought to be. Like the T-Shirt I wore tonight said...




Yeah, I know. Meanwhile, are we bored yet? It might be less boring if you participated in life or communicated, but then, you are where you are dong what you do and I am here telling you about what I do and the twains may never meet. That's up to you. Perhaps we are all procrastinators. Perhaps we will connect tomorrow.

Suddenly, sleep is calling. This is a good thing.

Nite nite :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Restful Days, Softball Nights

Another Monday rested as if there was nothing to do (let's not notice the laundry piling up or the fact that it should be done in small doses because the dryer is not hooked up so it must be hung and there is not a whole lot of space to hang ya know, m'ok?) and the body says thank you because the weekend was a lot of running around the bases playing eight or more games and welcome back my friends to the softball game that never ends.

Also, much writing of the words occurred on the Facebook and other places and what's most important and meaningful to us, right here in the written gardens for your reading pleasure and the wonderful news is that the corner was turned and I am happy, just as alone as I was yesterday or last week but the moping may be gone for the moment which means the balance appears to have returned which means all is well inside which means everything's ok without anybody telling me.

It is good to be back to wanting to share and not needing to share.

So the night was long with online wandering again and I slept through much of the day before waking to head out to Monday night softball. We played a good team and because we were hitting (except after my first solid hit I lost my mind and went down with a swinging strike and a strike looking... yes, two strikeouts in one game... first time ever... omg, why am I laughing?) and I was pitching well, we won. I believe the final score was 18-12. I believe I was distracted by an excellent pitcher who had a prosthetic leg and I changed my swing to avoid hitting him because I hit up the middle a lot against good pitchers and he was pitching me balls that I would have definitely hit right back up the middle if I swung hard. I get in batters heads well and he did the same to me.

Seems I let it go pretty darn good based on the fun I had in my head and in words (oh, the places we could go) and I hope you find your way to finding some of the fun and I hope it is some fun for you too but even if the words only inspire me that is enough reason for them to be and that makes me happy cuz I want to be (happy... it is a choice, after all) :)

I hope you choose happy too :)

Monday, April 18, 2016

Later On

All through the night I used to write and morning light reminded me to sleep. I had a dream of a never ending love that was the highest thing above and all these years now gone that dream still carries on now it's later on and that dream is still not gone, that dream is never gone.

Meanwhile, Lenka sings again and again as if she was my new best friend reminding me to let it go and just enjoy the show but I always knew everything's better with two. :)

Wandering the web for hours and hours is one way to pass the time. Feeling a little less alone because the words are actually responding to something someone said instead of just responding to the voices in my head and yet all the words I've written over the years are here and there and everywhere and they are worth as much as I am worth for they are reflections and memories of me so even if no one ever finds or relates they may be notices after I'm gone and that's the hope you'll find me here later on.

It really is so simple, so easy to do. All I've got to do is remember to remember me la la la

take every moment
you know that you own them
it's all up to you
do whatever you choose

live like you're dying
and never stop trying
it's all you can do
use what's been given to you

Yeah, so the music plays again and I remember my old friend and still look for my best friend who will stay past the end of the song we write together enjoying all the weather and the ups and downs and the smiles and frowns and everything's simple and easy to do when someone loves you and shares it all too and the biggest difference between up and down is hope and believing there is always hope remember :)

Sunday, April 17, 2016

After Softball

It seems that, at least since the move (from living with Jackson to living by myself), my social life has slowed to a point where I am playing cards three nights a week, playing softball three nights a week, and playing softball two days a week. I am not in the mood for parties, especially not by myself, so I skip them routinely. In fact tonight was the Sunday softball show (each season (or year) people dress up and put on a show and they vote and the best performance wins a prize. I nodded off when I got home and so I am missing the show going on right now). I hope our team wins as there is money involved that can pay for tournaments.

Anyway, my "free time" is Monday through Friday days because there is no job responsibility and that means that only a Monday through Friday job will fit my current schedule. Of course any of the social/recreational activities can be changes, though stopping softball for any current time frame means upsetting and possibly losing a team and I will avoid that as much as possible. The cards can be missed now and then as there are usually other players, though lately Thursday and Saturday night it appears to be just four most of the time.

Ultimately this recently started social schedule leaves no room for much of anything else. Not having a TV, though I miss some shows (less and less as the weeks pass), it is not much of an issue that this schedule leaves no room for TV time (unless I would watch after midnight or later which would mean giving up sleep, especially once I start working again. I do not get enough sleep as it is. In fact, at the moment, I am nodding off and the past few days I have been ready to nod off shortly after sitting down at the computer. I suppose that with exercise increasing, even the little bit it is increasing (hope for more soon, right?) means the body needs more sleep and more importantly, a more consistent sleep pattern. Not to mention a healthier more balanced diet.

I suppose Chef Boyardee Spaghetti & Meatballs straight from the can does not quite qualify as the a healthier more balanced diet, but, alas, that is the food life for the moment until the sink is installed. Even after that I prefer cool food as opposed to hot food when there is no air conditioning, especially as the weather gets warmer. They don't make salad in a can as far as I know (well, there is the salad in a jar concept, but that requires prep space and prep space is lacking here for the moment, hense the simplicity of eating out of cans), but veggies come canned and even though raw and unprocessed foods would most likely be healthier, at least I could add balance by opening a can of veggies each time I open a can of pasta.

Meanwhile, what magical events and tomfoolery happened in the daily life today? Yes, well, maybe not magical but plenty of foolerly, even if no one named Tom was around. I played three games today, almost four. My primary Sunday team won a double header in the morning and another team asked me to fill in at pitcher in the afternoon. I played really well today, making only one out all day and that was a sacrifice fly scoring a run. I got at least ten hits. I really felt in control of the bat and was running the bases well. I also fielded my position well, no errors. The team I filled in for won as well. While I love playing regardless of whether we win or lose, the goal is to win and tt is good to succeed.

Other than playing softball, I watched a bit with others and also spend some time with the ratings committee observing players playing and discussing ratings. I had a consession stand cheeseburger for lunch because hunger was growing and I knew I had another game in the afternoon. After the softball day concluded, I drove home and ate yummy canned food and also yummy bulk food (did I mention I found a bulk food store?). Dried papaya, sunflower seeds, and chocolate covered chocolate chip cookie dough. Yup, a dessert full of yumminess.

So that was the Sunday softball summary for this week.

It's your turn :)

What Madness Abounds

Going for the epic title, no doubt, or whatever. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, after all. Or is that I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. A fool out of love, no doubt. Wishing you were somehow here again or someone was cuz I miss hugs and cuddling and touching and replacing that with food just isn't working for me all the time. Where are the snacks?

Kit Kats and sweet potato chips are my friends tonight. Just enjoy the show, you know? Thing is, I do it alone just fine, I just don't want to. That leads to all sorts of not doing. Would you like a chip? Come on, I know we are not alone in this universe. We are all part of everything, oneness and conceptual singularity and all that jazz. That is the bliss at the core, but it's still fun to share as if we are apart when we are not together, or something like that.

Where were we? Just getting home from another Saturday night Bridge tournament at Excel and the Commodore's place with Curly as the fourth. It was fun and Excel made a Shepards Pie with veggies, ground beef (though it was more like balls of ground beef) and mashed sweet potato instead of white potatos. Not bad, though not enough potato on top and dry underneath. It is stil amazing to me that Excel feeds us every time we go over. It couldn't come at a better time as it saves me money on food (or at least it would if I didn't brings snacks and other stuff cuz I feel like I should chip in to the feeding frenzy too just to be fair, after all... yes, I must accept that this social life is costing money. A tank of gas every ten days or so, maybe sooner with softball... and food, socializing always seems to require food... my choice, I know... compromise because I want social life and would go a bit stir crazy staying home in this small unfinished place for more than a day or so... this is a sleeping place). Yes, food madness abounds.

Snacking too much instead of eating balanced meals is not wise, but it is that sort of life for the moment. Bridge was fun and we finished close in points. We ended a bit early because Excel was not feeling well. Curly and I went out to buy her Pepto-Bismol and ginger ale then headed home.

Before heading to The Commodore's place I played in a softball tournament. It was the playoffs for the Saturday softball league (finally) and it was rather disorganized, as usual. One team forfeited at the last minute (with all the delays and changing dates, that was bound to happen, unfortunately) and I got a text while I was asleep asking if I could get there an hour early to start playing an hour early. Nope. So they started without me and someone else pitched the first game. That guy pitched one of the other games as well and I spent most of the afternoon in the dugout. I never hit more poorly in a tournament. I was in complete disarray mentally and never quite got revved up to play. We finished second in the tournament with the winning run at the plate and me in the on deck circle as the championship game ended 8-7. Too many errors and not enough hitting.

The friend who invited me to play in this league is probably not returning to this same team because the coach is unrealistic (especially about his own skills... he bats himself 4th every game and tries to hit home runs every at bat and usually flies out. In the field he stands and watches the ball go over his head in the outfield while other outfielders chase the ball down and thinks he is one of the fastest guys on the team when I am faster than he is and I am one of the slower guys on the team. Not knowing the game well, he does not make good decisions. He is also not organized). So I will follow my friend to another team if she moves on to another team.

There is so much hunger inside of me lately. Missing the sharing of living with Jackson, what little time she was there (but we had a two bedroom apartment so much more space than here). Missing Curious, the cat. Missing the TV friends and families (imaginary as they are). Missing a kitchen to cook in. Missing something to do during the day. Missing more social interaction. Missing others depending on me. Missing myself in so many ways. It is a strange madness, this life.

So before softball (back to the events of the day) I was sleeping in because I was up past sunrise again last night after and hanging at Curly's place because my Friday softball was off. Friday softball starts up again this week. So does Wednesday. Monday is already into it's second week. Saturday pauses for a few weeks. Sunday is in mid-season.

So how are you? :)

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Errands and Stuff

So after walling asleep around sunrise or so once again, I woke and headed out to meet Jane for lunch. I showered and re-wrapped my foot and it is healing ok, but it's a wide gash and did not look pretty. No pain, so I should have no nissue playing softball this weekend. Jane chose TooJays for lunch and yum yum, though a bit disappointing. I tossed between the Rueben and white fish salad and decided on the white fish and instead of salad I got a piece of white fish. I kept it because that is a serious treat, but it was dry and that makes it hard to de-bone so it was a chore to eat and not much to it. Alas, more money spent on food and usually much deliciousness, but a bummer.

It was good to see Jane though. Also good to get phone money from her. We caught up on life since we had not seen each other in a month or more. Much change happened for me so I did much of the talking because she wanted to know (that's what friends do, right?). She told me her news (traveling, work, kids, new boyfriend, and so on). We walked around a while and then she went home to grade papers (she's a professor at a local college) and get ready for her trip to Boston (where her daughter goes to school). I gave Curly a call.

Curly came out to wander around with me. Jane had found a bulk food store in the same outdoor mall area as TooJays and I went to check it out. I just about wandered every isle reading labels when Curly got there and I wandered back around with him, this time filling some bags with foods. Pistachio Nuts, Sunflower Seeds, Dried Papaya, Dried Pineapple, Chocolate covered Walnuts, Chocolate covered chocolaye chip cookie dough balls, Chocolate covered peanut putter filled pretzle nuggets, chocolate covered cherries, mustard pretzles bites, sweet potato chips, broken Kit Kats (candy manufactures sell briken candies in bluk to bulk stores), onione dip mix, all yummies and some even healthy.

After that we went to Odd Lot (like I need to shop more) and I bought more stuff. A headband flashlight so I no longer stagger in the dark from my car to the front door when I come back here at night. Little containers for all the bulk bags of goodies we bought. A few other things I forget at the moment. Then we went back to his house explored our treasures and repackaged them into the containers for safer and fresher storage. It was dinner time by then and we decided to go to the Thai restaurant near his place and it was seriously excellent food. A six jumbo prawn appetizer, seafood soup, cucumber salad, and an entre all for $25 each. Definitely want to go there again.

The budget? What budget? Stop stressing, the anxiety attack will not help. I can be stupid if I wanna.

We headed to his place and played games. Excel and the Commodore came by ater in the evening after the play they went to let out. We played more games, shared some of our snacking goodness, and then it was homeward bound. Once home I wandered on the computer and caught up a bit on Facebook and did the usual babbling and distracting and wishing for someone to share life with and dancing in the dark.

We are having fun, right? lol :)

Friday, April 15, 2016

What Happened to the Night?

I have turned the clock upside down and give my natural circadian rhythm a chance to breath again. The night has always energized me and given me a sense of freedom that the formality of the daylight hours do not provide. The night is meant for intimacy and there was a time when I had no fear or reservation about being completely open and honest in every way and I miss that. Years of demands for conformity and betrayals of trust have slipped a whole lot of caution and query into my approach to the night (and real life) and I've learned to play the games that are expected of a normal human being. Yes, I believe I have finally succeeded in failing myself. If you ever read (and understood) the right column of the Real Time(TM) then you might get what I am conveying here. A few people in the real life might as well if they were here and in touch.

The day was made for pretenses, for conformity, for keeping the customer satisfied, for giving people whatever they said wanted. The night was made for honesty, for being real, for experiencing life without the formality and rules of the day, for giving people what they really want. What they need.

The truth is out there.

Maybe lol lam :)

Meanwhile, in the life offline, waking later each day and in spite of being busy every evening and all day in weekends I does not provide any sort of sense of accomplishment or self worth and while I am mostly internal locus of control and in spite of learning the human frailty games, the core is intact and secure. Some days lazing away at home on the internet are full of fun and wonder and others are depressing, especially when reading what the world is like out there. People are making such a mess of this world and hope for humans to survive another century, no less another decade.

more to come...

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Something may be happening...

I mean something different (you did read the part one of this two part daily briefing, I mean blog, right?), something that is long past due, something that is a do or die, literally, situation. Yes, I went out for a jog. I will not claim the word run until I can actually run a mile without stopping and I mean run, under 6 minutes, so I wonder if I will ever actually run and consider myself a runner ever again. Such a sad though, dying is.

The body called it momentous. Hopefully it was just kidding when it said justt let me die already. Yes, the body has it's own blog and sometimes speaks for itself when I remember to let it or when it surprises me like it may be doing right now. I mean, like it said, what with the laziness and the apathy and the procrastination and the depression and the emotional over-eating and the general malaise when it comes to motivation to exercise..."

Don't Panic!


Wait, that might be a clever or amusing T-Shirt, but it is not exactly what we need right now. Cutting back on the picnics, as in on the eating and especially the emotional eating, is what is needed most for the life to continue longer. What with two laps of a cul-de-sac across from the driveway a few days ago and now, four laps up and down the little hill to the main road and back, I should be happy. The app I downloaded, SportsTracker, did not track distance though it seems to be able to find my location, so I will be looking for another app next time. This body is in pathetic condition. I slow jogged the first, then walked up the hill and slow jogged down for the last three. The times for the four laps were 3:11, 4:30, 4:30, and 4:39 for a total of 16:52. See, the app does not even provide seconds. What runner would use this limited and poorly functioning app?

Quoting the body as it summed this all up:

"So we shall see how this turns out. It will be momentous, no doubt. Either it will kill me or I will quit again or I will be running a 5k some time next year or maybe even this year (slow down, let's just get out there for a third time before and then get to the point where I can actually run a mile without stopping and then we can look further ahead... actually, let's forget the mile for now and get that third slow jog walk in, m'ok?).

I really must succeed cuz I'd hate to die out there on the road all alone."

Road kill can be so messy. Yes, the body has a rather sardonic sense of humor, macabre, even. I suppose it gets it from me (he says as he whistles and glances at the sky). Still, it (this body I inhabit) amazes me each time I drag my mind out of the lazy gutter of self-indulgence (or worse) to do this exercise thing again. It is time to address the failure to communicate be cool, Luke). As Gavin Friday said... If I die, I die. And as John Denver said... I Want to Live. ... Ummmm, Is it irony that Gavin is alive and John is not?

Ok then, lost any audience I might have had on this path (pardon my chuckles if they seem out of place, but I really don't believe anyone is here so I am mocking myself and my imaginary audience and we love it).

Before the body took over, today was an ordinary day. Nothing happened. Except for the emotional roller coaster that staying home in this space can bring on. Wednesdays seem to be the pivotal day. I woke after noon after finally get to bad after sunrise. I spent the day going through some bathroom boxes because last night the dog (we'll call her Bob) scratched the heck out of my foot (luckly she didn't slice through the rather large veins I have on my feet... runners feet, no fat tissue at all... same for the legs... if only the torso followed along, alas) and I want to put together a few good first aid kits cuz the one I had in the car (standard $10-$15 kit) has the paper tape that does not stick at all when it's stored in the trunk of a car. So much for a portable first aid kit when you need it, aye?

Poor Bob is so out of control needy seeking attention and pulled off her leash. Bob lives with Abner and Daisy, the neighbors sharing this house in the front apartment. Curly divided the house into three apartments. A three bedroom out back. A two bedroom out front. And my two rooms on the side. Appparently Bob pulled Abner's mom down to the ground and almost does that with Daisy. There is no meanness in Bob, just out of control neediness that literally lays down wimpering on your feet. I can sense Abner is not happy with the behavior but he does not seem to know how to train a dog and she interferes with conversation so he seems unfriendly because he is so focused on controlling Bob and keeping the her away from people. She just pulls all over the place when he walks out the door with her. Maybe if we get a little friendlier I'll offer some training tips if Abner seems open to learning.

After the minimal unpacking (I never got to putting new kits together... perhaps tomorrow), I played Ruzzle and Words with Friends and Quick Bridge 3.3 and Chess Titans all evening with a little writing thrown in. That's right, no internet, no browsing, no Facebook or anything like it. Just me, alone in this depressing space, brushing off the loneliness by enjoying solitary games. There was a pretty steep wave tonight, almost a tsumani, but I survived. I've had to handle a couple of tsunamis since the move last month and I didn't drown as I floated along aimlessly. The tears are cathartic as long as they don't come around too often. I give kids good lives, that's the saving grace. I know that and must remember that when I feel like life is unfair and nobody really cares and I might as well become worm food.

Then came the slow jog. I almost typed run. For what it's worth, I put on the sneakers and clothes a few hours earlier and opened the door and found it was raining. I was unsure if I should be amused or depressed. At first, I felt like the universe was just waving a big banner with the words JUST GIVE UP on it. I dove back into the games (took the lead in the weekly Ruzzle Tournament) and stopped thinking. Thinking can be dangerous when you don't want to control the thought process. I almost understood what happens to Jackson and others I've known.

I thought about going out in the rain but I wimped out. It's about 65 degrees, I thought. I'd want a steamy hot shower when I get back and that does not exist here. Besides, I don't want to re-bandaged my foot tonight so... yeah, the thought process went something like that with a few why me?s and darker end of days thoughts mulling around somewhere just beneath the surface. So the games saved me once again. Luckily I am easily distracted and even more easily amused.

So that's it. At the moment I am torn between writing, browsing the web, and food. Food would be unwise, but I'd fall asleep much faster. I am not sleepy at all right now as the adrenaline is still flowing through the veins. Perhaps Facebook will bore me to sleep (hopefully it will not depress me as I does sometimes do when it doesn't frustrate and agitate me. Humans are such sad pathetic self-destructive creatures. So ridiculously self-important and egocentric and ready to fight about anything as it they really have any control over anything they fight about.

See, I am already turning myself off Facebook before I even go there. Nobody is here, though, so we shall see. Have we had fun here tonight? I hope so. Sharing myself like this is usually fun for me and I always feel better after all the thoughts and feelings are written out. It gives me a clean slate to work with as I start again. I am recalling one of my earliest responses to the question how old are you? spirit is reborn each time I open my eyes...

It is still true, though it is not as clean and simple as it used to be. I drag a lot of baggage around these days. Regrets, I've had a few. Disappointments, oh so many. My faith in the human heart has been tested and consistently finds the caring ends, the love is mostly if not all words. Sleep would once erase all the doubts and fears and hurts, but some days they linger not into waking hours. Luckily, only some days. In fact most days, especially after writing to me heart's content, I am free of doubts and fears and reborn, ready to start again as if yesterday never happened.

Thank goodness all the blogs are here to dump all the depressing crap in, aye? :)

I hope you find smiles in your reading whenever you find this blog and this entry. I hope you find more smiles than frowns everywhere you go in your life. Reach out and say hello, I don't bite hard anymore... just friendly nibbles to tickle and wake us up now and then :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

For What It's Worth

Just for the record, the longest running daily blog that rambled on for almost eight years and almost seven thousand entries still craves attention and, for what it's worth, is still worth reading if you enjoy words or want to know me.

The primary motivation for living and continuing to be my best (however poorly the effort of late) is to enjoy the time, enjoy the senses, enjoy caring about and helping others, aand enjoy sharing. The sharing requires other people. The deeper motivation to continue living is the dream that some day someone who actually want to know me and have the time and the energy do actually get to know me (and in turn, let me know them) and then, sharing will really happen on more meaningful and powerful levels of knowledge and energy. That is, by one theory, how the Jesus being actualized love in profound ways, but just because I understand the process does not mean he actually existed, I just know it is possible to physically transform the universe through shared love and trust (might want to call that belief) when the energy is deep enough. I may be digressing from the point of this entry.

I hope to be known completely one day. I believe I am open to it. I just want to share everything with the right person for me. The one who not only wants to get me, but really gets me and also the one who I want to get who I really get. Get it? Yeah, well all joking aside, it is the longest running dream in me. Falling in love.

Back to whatever this entry may have been about, though the (e)thereal blog (longest running) was becoming more and more a rambling distraction (mostly because I saought distraction a lot and found it anywhere and that is where I let the words out most) than a daily record of life and I started a new record of a life that never really did get off the ground as the babbler was most comfortable taking over anywhere because he knew I welcomed distraction (from the pretense and stress and loneliness at home and the madness all over the world) and we were going less and less to the old babble places even less than less to the fun old and new semi-daily and occasional blogs, it (the longest running blog... yes, we are still on that) was such a comfortable home I had to go through some major trauma to separate. There is a summary of those changes somewhere in this blog.

My point in this entry, I think, was to encourage you to check out the previous daily, the longest running cconsistently updated daily, (e)thereal blog.

All the others before and after have something to live up to.

Saved By The Food

As long as food excites me so easily (and so much), there is no room for more than momentary depression or apathy or negativity or sorrow in this life. Yeah baby, the excitement continues to build in spite of minimal rational reason for it. Just that celebration of being alive thing that some people just do not seem to get but everyone agrees is a good idea (just look at all the greeting cards, aye?). If you are pressed for time, briefer {and lesser} version. Nyuk Nyuk, blog envy. So what's new with you?

Here in the ever more ridiculous world of stretching savings well beyond the realm of common sense (see Jack {friend from childhood... and thinking of him leads me to want to go on Facebook and reconnect with old friends and new friends and the desire to share leads to the lonelies so we will just move right along back to reality because the odds of actually sharing real space and time with someone tonight at this hour are relatively astronomical and I was just nodding off before I came here to catch up on the daily life... the Nutty Bars have shot some sugar through the body and the brain is sucking it up so I am suddenly a bit wired as you may or may not notice in the babbling}, you may have been right after all... but maybe we should ask ourselves... who's having all the fun? lol lam laa), I spent money again. We'll get to that in a minute, but first, let's recap the day.

Waking blah and blue (see a couple of entries back), the mood started shifting when I finally stood up and decided as impulsively as ever (actually, the motivation has been creepily building for weeks) to find enough running gear to go out and see how pitiful my body stamina has gotten (and unfortunately, I was not disappointed). I found a mismatched pair of sneaker-socks and put on the work sneakers (poor for running) and a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and out the door I went with my phone to record the time and in case I needed to dial 911. Who's laughing lol. I looked around and chose to head down a cul-de-sac that faces this property. Before the end of the first side of the cul-de-sac the calves and achilles were burning and I shifted from 4-4 (4 steps on the inhale, 4 steps on the exhale) breathing to 3-3 breathing and after the turn I was ready for 2-2 breathing with more burning in the lower legs and slight wheezing and a gasp or two by the time I got back to the driveway. I forgot to stop the stopwatch on the phone. Full of self-recrimination for suicidal decisions over the past however many years since I last ran regularly, I went inside and pondered my navel for a few minutes. The result of the pondering was to search Run-Tracking applications and to download one to the phone because I wanted to strack distance and the GPS usually does. I went back out and started the app as I started a second lap of the cul-de-sac. This time the leg burns were severe enough to slow me to a walk three times during the jog (I am such a wimp and the runner in me is just shaking his head with disgust) and the app said it was under 3 minutes (I don't recall the exact time). The app disappointed and did not track the distance. Maybe I need to let it have access to the GPS or something in the phone, but it should ask for that if it needs that to perform it's function. Might try another app if I can find a smarter one.

After that I headed into the shower and found the muscle fatigue was spread over the entire body as the arms and shoulders were straining just to bathe the body (it doesn't help that it is a cramped shower and it is more work to shower in there than it is in a regular tub shower. Alas, showers are a haven of relaxation for me and that is greatly missed living here, but that is part of the compromise I choose that may be beyond the realm of common sense). She shower was adequate for cleaning, but not sufficient for muscles or spot heat that I am used to.

From the shower I sat and rested about twenty minutes before dressing and heading out to Curly's for dinner and cards. That's where the food comes in. The dinner part. Curly had been cooking up a stew-soup since yesterday and it was composed of beans, corn, onions, garlic, sweet potatoes, pulled pork, italian sausages and other sausages, and probably whatever else Curly found in the fridge or freezer that needed eating. Everything melted in the mouth and after two bowls, the others Excel, Elton, and Knobby) arrived and the pizzas were ready. Yummy food and food is so much yummier when eaten with friends. We played Hearts and Oh Hell and had much fun.

On the way home I stopped at the evil empire (Wal-Mart... I know, shame on me, seriously... but I am trying to stretch savings and, well, make stupid decisions that irritate my ethics sometimes... I actually thought about applying for an overnight job there... stupid decisions haven't gotten that stupid yet). I bought three cases of water (no sink here leads me to another decision irritating my ethics, bottled water... stop be before I beat myself up) and found canned pasta was on sale (further decisions that, well, you know, but economizing without a kitchen, remember) so I bought forty cans (hush) and then I went to the houswares department and bought three types of clothes hanging apparatus for drying clothes. I might return one or two if one works out to be the best of the bunch.

At least I will use this stuff. The $15 I spent on a Happy Birthday balloon (which is already drooping in the car) and card and cupcake for Jackson, well, that's another story... someone left the cupcake out in the rain... or something like that. So I headed home (yeah, starting to call this home, a mixed blessing) and tidied up and bit and sat down here to wander the web, though I did not go the Facebook route this night. I responded to J's email and explored her web presense (inspiring art, photographs, drawings) which lead me to my tumblr dashboard (kind of like the Facebook newsfeed only with less communication and a more disguised way ot interacting) which lead me to read all sorts of articles about all sorts of interesting stuff. Links will eventually be uploaded to the Sites I Saw blogs.

Finally, we are in the now. The mood is silly giddy happy which is pretty much the base mood inside of me when I am not letting the horrible trauma and tragedy of humanity influence my affect. Another night of reading and writing (and playing games, though no Ruzzle as the wireless is down again and I have yet to reset the router. Life is a fun place to be as long as we remember what matters most, food, friends, and fun (not necessarily in that order). :)

And though the song reference for this blog ought to be the Moody Blues Saved By The Music, I provide this alternative simply because I do not have Saved By The Music uploaded to my website and this is what came to mind when I looked for an alternative. Apparently, for what it's worth (and in case it matters), Dirt, Drama, and Details may be getting a soundtrack lol lam :)

(seriously, hear the words)

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Sorrows Gone, Moving On

Yes, the sorrow is gone and I am moving on. Woke groggy and blahs looking around at a lot of dirty clothes and no motivation or desire to do laundry cuz there's no dryer or place to hang clothes at the moment and did not want to drive the wet clothes to the laundry and hang out there until they dried and so I wah wah wahed a bit and played Ruzzle and Words with Friends and Bridge and the games spun me around and I am gonna take a hot shower and head over to Curly's for some yummy dinner and cards and maybe even exercise tonight, who knows.

Yesterday was a rest day even though there is so much to do. I went to lunch at Sweet Tomato's with Helen and enjoyed healthy food and felt good and got home and napped and woke to head to softball and see Jackson and I was excited because I bought a Happy Birthday balloon and card and cupcake for jackson cuz today is her birthday and I had not seen her but for a minute in more than a month and I was excited about and then she had to work late and couldn't even stop at the fields and that is what lead to the sorrows and blahs.

New day, Happy Birthday Jackson, wherever you are. I'm going out for food and fun with friends now. Obla Dee Obla dah dah dah dah dah, ya know? :)