Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Internet Distractions

Wow, I sat down here to write almost three hours ago and just now realized this box was open and waiting for words. So where did the three hours go? Well, I wandered. I've been awake since 6am so what in the world have I been doing? I have no recollection. That's what wandering the internet will do for me, completely distract me from real life and before I know it a whole day has passed. Or at least a whole morning.

I wandered my blogs for a little while and I found that this link doesn't work and I realized that trustng any internet site to store filed is a waste of time and faith. There was a music player linked there, but it's gone for now. I somehow found myself reading Jeremy Riney qho was internet famous once because he created and hosted various music player and storage sites, the biggest name was Paylist dot com. I had players one his site, but finding his blog was more an accident than anything else. I read about how he used to keep track of the comings and goings of internet music playlist sites. He actually created a very cool TV Show Streaming site that I must check out when I have a computer with sound again. Somday.

I think I spent a few hours (yes, a few hours) at Gaia Online exploring and earning coins or whatever currency they use there. I remember the site from way back (I believe I created an account there in 2004 but I don't recall the password or the email address I used) because a couple of kids on Diaryland talked about it. It is a fun and games community for kids and simple gamers (which includes millions of all ages now based on the invites to play games I get on Facebook. I don't play games or use apps on Facebook, by the way. They askl for way too much information from a profile).

Anyway, I earned a lot of achievements on Gaia and created a fishtank, though I am not really sure how it all works and I may wind up killing the fish because I think they want to be fed daily and I don't actually have that sort of routine online except for in this blog and even here a week is sometimes skipped before I return to catch up. I wonder how long the fish live without food. I wonder if they can be overfed. I wonder if there is a vacation feeder that can be set. I wonder if it old-fashined or perverse to raise an eyebrow at an 18 year old girl who posts photos of her bed and bedroom and concludes her post with "Kisses"? Ah, the wonders of Gaia.

I think I will take a nap now. Dinner and cards at Curly's in a few hours.

Tough life, I know.

Narf :)

Monday, May 30, 2016


Surely you aren't seriously, seriously uou aren't surely, or something like that. When I wrote the brief version of what might become this blog entry that started out something like this: I figured I'd blog again just in case this is the last entry I ever upload (weak lol). I really did barely have the energy to type with both wrists resting on the laptop because the sun was baking the clay softball fields so it feld like an oven the humidity was extremely high because everything was wet because it rained really heavy around here last night (we were lucky three of the five fields were available at all and had to wait an extra hour for them to dry out enough so they were cleared for playing on)) and I was playing out there for four hours with minimal shade.

I am new to this group of seniors so I signed up and was assigned a team though that coach was not very happy because I became their 13th player and they already had four guys who called themselves pitchers (they all walked a few people, some with bases loaded... for seniors, the pitcher spot is the last place some can play so they learn to pitch even if they've never pitched before and anybody can pitch, but not everybody has the skill to pitch well). I told him I'll play anywhere he puts me but I have not played the outfield in many years so I'd be rough out there. The seniors play with leven on the field so two always had to sit. I alternated innings with another guy at catcher. We lost big due to pitching and fielding and not using pinch runners on bases when we could and we didn't start hitting until the next to last inning. It wasn't much fun, but I'll keep giving the seniors a shot since time marches on and the inevitable slow down will stop me from playing with the kids eventually.

I did a lot of running and went three for four after adjusting at the plate to the very different seniors strike zone (the plate is a strike so my first time up I didn't swing at a ball that hit the plate cuz I forgot senior rules are different... I fouled off the next pitche and was out because seniors do not allow courtesy fouls. That is odd because they should give batters all the chances possible to get a hit, but the intention is to move the game along I guess. I adjusted and hit the ball well for clean singles the next three times up. One would have been a double but a slow guy just barely got to second and I had to stop and go back to first. What a drag it is getting old.

When I texted Curly because he had planned to be up here going his mom's lawns and I started moving some heavy stuff to the garage. The heat was brutal. I heard the lawn mower and found Curly out back. He was just getting done with the lawn care and had a bunch of heavy things to move out of his mom's greenhouse. So I helped Curly move some seriously heavy stuff from the much hotter and more humid greenhouse to his trailer and the 90+ degree heat felt like a cool breeze. Not cool enough though as I reached the wall and had to stop and soak my heat to prevent heat exhaustion from increasing. It was mMore from the heat than from the activity, though Curly and I were moving some heavy pipes, some six and or more inchers close to twenty feet long and a whole lot of smaller pipes.

Thing is, we were moving them in a blazing sun from inside a greenhouse that was probably 110 degrees and 95% humidity so getting out into the 90+ degree blazing sun was a breath of relatively cooler air. We soaked our heads and finished the job and I came in and took a cool shower and now and write the briefer entry and could barely upload it befor my neck simply said stop by cramping as painfully as it ever has and there was no position to relax it even after I laid down. I napped, then headed to Curly's mom for dinner and games with Curly's brother's family because he is visiting these next few days.

I put a load of clothes in the washer and just may be asleep before they are done.

Nite Nite :)

Awake Early

Here I am awake before sunrise again, but this time it was 5:56am and not 3am or even 4am, so this is a good thing. I felt like I could roll over and sleep more, but the bladder called and when I returned from the bathroom I was not as sleepy. So I laid there for an hour and accepted awakeness. Played a couple of games of Bridge and then came here. I will be leaving for softball with the seniors shortly but figured this was as good a time as any for a meaningless entry recording my sleep pattern and whatever else might come to mind because I am really such a fascinating specimen that future generations and various alien species will want to study in depth through my massive missives.

I went to bed about 2am, I think, so I slept a full four hour cycle which is usually great for me. We shall see how I feel after softball and how much energy I have helping Curly with lawn work after that. I can collapst after helping Curly so we will roll the dice today. I may or may not eat something in the next half hour. There is no hunger, but I know I will need energy and protein and I ate less tham 500 calories yesterday (perhaps a lot less) so I must monitor the body closely today as it is not in the habit of fat-burning just yet since it is used to getting plenty of fat and carbs, simple and complex, on a very regular basis which is why the wooziness can come on fast (and the dumb bp pills).

Yes, it's all very scientific, this change of habit.

The great news is that the seniors are holding their pick-up game just ten minutes away (used to be less than five, alas... the place Jackson and I shared was not perfect, but it was really great inside and so womderfully located between two of the best softball fields in town and less than 5 minutes from the highway. Now I am up to fifteen minutes from the highway, depending on traffic, and about ten minutes from one field and five from the other. More with traffic and there is usually a lot of traffic heading in that direction. Life goes on, aye?

Jackson just texted a lol to my text from last night. I sometimes text her in the middle of the night because she keeps her phone on silent except for emergency calls from specific numbers so the text doesn't wake her. I missed the couch we had last night because all I have to sit on is the old recliner which gets less comfortable with each passing month, a folding chair, and the bed and sometimes I want the comfort of sitting on a couch. She has work today in spite of it being a national holiday because therapy goes on seven days a week where she works so a couple of the therapists covers every day of the year. She'll have other holidays off and accrue holiday time.

I suppose I ought to get up and dress for softball and maybe eat a bit of chicken. I have drinks in the car, but they are going to be warm. I must stop to buy drinks I guess. Curly uses powdered gatorade and I supposed I could get used to that. I can also try vitamin tablets and water and see if that works as well as gatorade. Sure would be cheaper. It is essential to replenish water and electrolytes out there though as heat exaustion and cramping comes on very quickly when playing ball in the Florida heat at this advanced age (scientists are watching, after all).

So take care and have fun out there today :)

So what else is new?

This is one of those entries left open for several hours so it may seem like parts of it were written at different times because they were. Just ask questions if you get confused, ok? :)

As you may have read in another life, or perhaps it was merely another entry in another blog, or in this blog, even, a big bold beautiful bombing thunderstorm woke me, I think, and I enjoyed watching it from inside (though my view is quite limited, alas... which lead me to wonder how that house I bought all those years ago is doing now cuz it had the most amazing view through eight feet of glass doors of the sunset over several miles of open land and water that some might call a Florida swamp, but I loved as a natural semi-wetland {it was dry during the dry season with small ponds sprinkled about and then had three larger shallow lakes during the wet season and one year filled in to about 70%... it was technically on a 100-year flood plain and the house was on land 25 feet above the plain with a narror retention pond between the raised property and the plain that provided wonderful foliage and homes to many natural critters} and I miss that country living dearly when I reminisce for a moment as I just did) and then sat down to babble on a bit (see the previous entry that is still just cooling down) and now, looking around wondering what to do with my evening.

Jackson had to drive home in the storm (her shortest route is a 40 mile drive to and from work each way each day, often through major traffic on the major highway through town that has long-term (years of) construction going on and many accidents, so I feel concern whenever it's storming at travel time. I texted her to let her know because the highway passes within a few miles of here and she texted back that she was just leaving work as the storm was at it's height up here and I have not heard from her that she got home safe. I guess I have to let go, sigh, but that is not easy when the parental thought is what if she's lying in a ditch somewhere if you know what I mean. Hopefully she'd call if she broke down and she does have a brand new secure safe vehicle (Subaru Crosstrek) so I should not worry. Except that she did not respond to a text an hour after she sent a text that she was leaving work and she did not respond to a text an hour later than that either. Really telling me to let go, I suppose. So why tell me you are leaving work in the storm in the first place?

Ok, so what else is new?

I wandered off to email and that lead me to LinkedIn and there I spent an hour, at least, reading mail and reviewing profiles and sending out requests for connections. I have more than 500 connections there for all the good it does me in my career. Jackson sent a message from Deepak Chopra and I responded to it. It said the most important question we can easy each day is "what is my vision?" (or something like that. The point was, without a vision (purpose), life is meaningless (at least that's what Deepak presents. I found this answer:

My vision is and has always been to words, honest love. My question every day is how can I share honest love. Helping people is usually the answer. It has not gotten me everything I want and has presented me with challenging situations more than once, but no matter what else happens, it keeps me focused and happy :)

So what else is new? :)

I checked email. Kaspersky is working on an issue I've been having with a strange pop-up page that pops up randomly and intermittently when I go to Facebook. They'd escalated to the experts now (third escalation). I await their next response. I really want to get back to responding to J, so hopefully I will do that tonight. Sitting is not comfortable this week and I do way too much sitting for good health, so I must get up and do other stuff more often. Still I do love written communications and if you need the reminder once again, I love to babble.

Yeah, so what else is new? lol lam :)

Asparagus spears can be quite messy. Especially when eating the long ones from the can. Yes, long asparagus spears from a can. Del Monte makes them. I likely won't be buying them again until I find income again as they are not an economy vegetable, but I love asparagus and it's cheaper and lasts longer in the can. And I have no place to prepare food, remember? The taste is mediocre at best, but it's asparagus and not only do I like asparagus, but asparagus is low in calories and high in nutrition. Good vegetable, that asparagus.

So breakfast was a can of alaskan pink salmon with some fat free mayo, fat free italian dressing, and onion dip mix as seasoning. It was quite good. Lunch (about five hours later) was a can of asparagus and a yogurt. I can hardly wait to find out what dinner will be. Laughing, but seriously it is about time I shifted my dietary habits and food spending into more sensible decisions. I have a few dozen cans of chicken, tuna, salmon, and clams on what loosely passes for shelves next to the fridge (along with several dozen cans of pasta and several more dozen cans of soups. I have a large container of oatmeal (though I am holding off on using any dishware that needs washing until I get a bigger sink in the bathroom) and in boxes, I have much more dry foods. I am prepared to spend nearly zero on food for a few weeks, perhaps a few months if necessary. More importantly, despite the unhealthiness of canned prepared and processed foods, there are a whole lot fewer calories and more dietary balance in all those cans than there are in Taco bell and other fast food choices. The caloric difference is the promary change I need.

The storm subsided and hopefully the fields will be dry enough to play on in the morning because the seniors have a pick-up game scheduled. It is $4 each time, but I love softball, need the exercise, and so I will choose softball over any other expense much of the time. A gym membership at $10 a month or $99 a year would be cheaper, but motivating myself to get dressed and drive to the gym when they are open and exercise alone is not a bet I would take, so I stick with softball and the occasional stroll up the street. I really must find a way to get sleep tonight if I am going to play in the morning and I told Curly I would help him with yard work after softball because I don't have softball in the evening tomorrow because of the holiday (not a holiday I celebrate, but then, I don't think I celebrate any normal human holidays... I find the whole process pretentious and more, repulsive in some cases... there is another long winded-therapy session, aye?).

I called Harpo. I know what I wrote earler, but I was in a good place and so we had a good conversation in spite of the cell phone reception here (old cell phone and off the beaten path makes for poor reception, though there are definitely enough people in this general area for ATT to do better. I hear Verison has the best in the area and I believe I said that only a day or two ago... nevermind lol). I wish I could help him change something in his life (he's a creature of habit and has been living the same few habits for decades) because he is slipping deeper into depression. I can only keep in touch and amuse/distract him and offer siggestions. Honest love, that's the ticket.

Jackson responded to my text while I was one the phone with Harpo. She's fine. She decided we are changing plans for lunch for Friday and instead of a place called Metro Diner, she is taking me to Pickles instead. Pickles is probably the best New York style delicatessen in the area (though it does not have the menu choices of Toojays or Jasons, but it has better food than both most of the time because it comes from NY a few times a week which is why it is not the cheapest in town) and she knows I love the place but will not go now because it is not in my budget I am tightening my belt more with each passing week (Pickles is actually about the same pricing as Metro, though there are so many different sides and things to choose from and portions are small, so it always ends up more than the average lunch place. They are not open for dinner as they close at 4pm). It is not New York Deli (despite it's advertising). but it is good. She knows me and loves me, just doesn't have the time or energy to show it much. It will be the first time we get together other than passing by each other at softball a couple of times since we moved more than two months ago. I'm not sure if Brandi is coming too. Brandi is a sweetheart and is definitely welcome, but I'd enjoy a little catch up time with just me and Jackson too. Oh, but Pickles, yum. Serious yum. :)

So is it time for bed yet?

Nite nite :)

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Much Better Sleep

A huge smile follows the title of this entry as I slept deeply throught the day today. Yes, daytime sleep still seems to be my best sleep and when I accept my nocturnal circadian rhythm the body is most balanced and happy. When I get enough sleep (I still could have fallen back to sleep but wanted to get up and see the storm before it got dark... it is a great loud pounding storm just outside these walls and I love storms, which inspires me to want to hug Stevi Nicks again, but that's another story for another time). The body is so different when I get anough sleep. The insatiable appetite for food and flavors and snacks is subjugated by the physical awareness of the bloat and the belly feels stuffed right now even though I have not eaten in almost twenty four hours. I drink water, take vitamins and the bp pill (I forgot when the last one was taken... I really out to start using that two-a-day week-long pill box again so I don't have to consciously think about or remember when to take the next pill. Maybe I can set up an alarm on my phone the way Curly does. Stupid medical industry making us dependent on life-time pills. There oughta be a law) and here we are. I will shower after I wake a bit more cuz I might do some work around this place first (no outdoor work as it is quite wet out there at the moment and the ground is dirt and mulch so no dragging heavy hand-trucks over it until it dries... you remember the map I drew for you?) :)

As the ponderous details of late might suggest, I am clogged with all sorts of thoughts lately, much more than usual and all sorts (the good, the bad, and the ugly) which is quite not like me or the mind I inhabit. Diet and exercise and sleep play a huge role in that, like up to 99% most of the time, so I really must take those three life necessities seriously again. I have taken big steps in that direction in the past week and with the long deep sleep of the past ten or so hours, I feel wonderful at the moment and the thoughts are almost all smiling (even the stress and sad and lonely thoughts) so the answer, my friends, is obvious (and not just blowing in the wind).

One of the thoughts I realized is that I see why I do not play with the seniors much. Many of them don't try. The sun is too hot for them and they are too old to chase balls or play well. The energy level is so low, I have to work myself apart from them to get my energy level up get a good workout (as you migth have read in my rambles before, I am somewhere beyond empathic when it comes to sensing and absorbing and emulating energy levels that are around me which is great in many ways and not so great in others. I'd hate to think what might happen to this body if I worked a terminal cancer ward, though I have worked trauma and profound disabilities and other in other challenging energy fields most of this life and I am still not dead yet, he says with a smile and a chuckle). I did (raise my energy level and get a reasonable work out... I was exhausted enough when I got to Curly's to fall into a deep nap, after all, but the short sleep night last night and the brutally hot sun in the morning also helped get me that tired). I will do my best to keep playing with the kids for as long as I can though because I play better and feel younger being around younger energy. So far I play much better everywhere else (I hit great during the morning practice and hit terribly during games with the seniors... I think I think too much about the bat {they are always mocking my non-senior bats and telling me I must buy a senior bat so I can hit better} and I don't get to pitch so while I love the opportunity to play other positions, they put me at first base and that is the base I like least and have the least experience playing, but worse, the fields are terrible and the balls take so many inconsistent hops I am very concerned about getting hit in the face/mouth and breaking teeth or my nose or something else so I don't put much effort into getting in front of a ball... I am considering wearing the mask, cup, and so on to play infield because of the inconsistent field... the batter's box is my least favorite because it a sand box and just as I field better with a better surface, I hit much better with a harder flatter surface... yes, excuses, but also very real reasons I prefer not to play on those fields they use).

Well, that was a bit of babble about senior softball, aye?

So what else is new? The loudest heaviest storming seems to have stopped. I would consider going out for a salad in a little while, but that is not in the budget so I will eat low calorie foods from cans when I finally get hungry. Driving to and from Curly's in addition to the softball and other driving I did yesterday was at least $6 more than I would have spent if I stayed home or close to home and driving expenses are not in the budget either. I don't need $200 a month in gas on top of the $400 car payment, $140 storage payment, $150 phone (though I should be getting $100 from Precious and Jane each month... I must remember to remind Precious and see Jane more often... See Jane run... she runs well lol... ah yes, the brain wants to play... too bad nobody is around... maybe I'll explore luminosity a while), a few hundred every few months in car maintenance, not to mention food and and other expenses when zero (as in $0) is coming in.

Stop the financial report now, I don't feel like stressing. I could call Harpo and see what he is doing, but I am not in the mood for his stress and he is a bundle of stress these days. I feel sad for him, but his stress has reached toxic proportions and he refuses to change anything in his life to improve the conditions that lead to his stress (OCD personalities get that way sometimes) so I must limit my interactions with him. If you're out there Harpo, I know you are seriously sensitive and this feels bad to read and you may be crying, but please understand both that I want you to change your life and you can do that... and also I must protect myself from your negative energy spiral these days as I have my own negative energy storms to deal with and contrary to popular adages, misery might like company, but misery plus misery kills people with stress and depression and I don't want either of us to head down that path... I trust you to understand this is honest love and to accept it with the unconditional love that is part of why you are who you are, the wonderful child-man obsessed with doing good and right for everyone).

I wonder if anyone I know reads any of my writings, not less these more in-depth meandering babbles. I especially wonder if anyone I actually see face to face in this life reads any of it. I wish they would for so many reasons (let me count the ways lol)... I want attention and I want to be known intimately and deeply and completely by friends (and the more who do, the more chance they will connect me with a real life the one and that is the primary reason for staying alive for me, in case I have not mentioned that in the last twenty breaths or so (yes, repetitive redundancy once again... it is a habit I love, so apoloigies if it drives you a bit crazy lol lam). I also want feedback on my thoughts and feelings and who I am and who I am becoming (we are always becoming in so many ways, I hope) not just as selfish reflection so I can known myself better, but also so I can know others better (especially those close to me in daily life). Everyone I've every know, more or less, seems afraid of completely open honesty and unconditional trust and honest love and unconditional love and dancing with the devils in the pale moonlight and all the doo dah day (lightening up can dilute a serious moment... hopefully it didn't dilute the point of this paragraph too much, he says with a smile).

I seem to have that phrase he says with a smile on my mind this morning (well, morning for me since I just slept at least ten hours... the time stamp on this entry, which is occasionally accurate, says otherwise... unless you are in Oz, a place I really ought to consider moving to based on the people from there I've known along the way, but that's another story... by Oz, I refer to the lands down under, in case you are not with me on that reference). The song with that phrase in it has nothing to do with the phrase for me at the moment, unless it does (he says with... yeah, you know lol lam laa).

I also want literary interaction (back to why I would love to have more readers, especially people who I see face to face often) for more than one reason. I believe sharing words, writing to each other, gets more honesty out and the more honesty, the happier I am because I believe that is how we become realer and more meaningful and why be alive if not to be as real and meaningful as we can be? Yes, there are other reasons too but I am being distracted by the sitting position so I may get up now to do something else.

So where are all you people I know, anyway? My blog world is linked on Facebook. No time to explore, no doubt. Many people simply do not enjoy reading anymore, alas, especially the younger generation and most of the people I know in life around here are a decade or few younger that I am. Curly is more than twenty years younger, Jackson is twenty years younger, Precious is more than thirty years younger, as is Minnie. My softball friends are mostly twenty and thirty somethings with a few forty and a small handful of fifty-somethings among the many hundreds of people I know through softball. The Commodore (who is Excel's dad) is the only person I hang out with older than I am. So yeah, reading anything longer than a normal Facebook post (which is about the length of a Tweet) or a Tweet is not something our younger generations do much anymore. Unless I just don't know the ones who do.

Of course it could be there is no interest. I get it, I'm not that interesting. :)

Did you realize that whenever I add a smiley face, I am adding he says with a smile and just not typing out those words? Not that I am really a magic man (a-hem), unless of course you come close enough... oh look, a squirrel :)

Ok, so I must lift my butt off this chair now so I shall consider returning later for more babbling (who's running away?) and consider this entry as complete as it is going to get for now.

Are we soup yet? :)

Wish you were here :)

Long Day Away From Home

I ponder all the years alone learning how to play the human games as Lenka sings once again in the backgroun as I am just returning home after a very long day out of the house. I woke around 3am and laid in bed for two hours until I finally got up and wrote because my mind was not in the mood to sleep. I headed out to softball around 7:45am and am just getting home now (the time stamp on this entry is real). After softball, about 12:15pm, I headed to Curly's place. I ate part of a can of chicken I brought with me and laid down on the couch for a moment and was sound asleep for the next two and a half hours in spite of Curly making some very loud booming noises (that's what he told me after I woke). I ate the rest of the chicken, took a shower, and we headed out to Excel and the Commodore's place for Saturday Night Bridge.

Commodore was very excited because he bought a new car. Dinner was stir fried ground turkey and veggies. We played until about midnight, switching to a board game until about 1:30am when our brains had enough bridge. Excel won the night. I drove Curly back to his place and then drove back here (somehow I did the long 60+ mile day today not including the trip to the fields which is about 15 miles or so... I checked the credit card balance and it is way higher than I want it to be so I must cut down spending more dramatically than I have which does not bode well for me getting the Austin for the softball world series in August unless my coach comes through with a way for me to save money... sigh, again, sigh).

I did not realize the phone died while I was at Excel's because ATT provides such poor there. It is a very populated area just southwest of Orlando so that just shows ATT has mediocre service in this area as I often have very poor signal in my area as well and this is a hugely populated suburb just northwest of Orlando. More than a few people have told me Verison has the best reception for this area and I must reconsider switching, though logistically because both Precious and Jane are still on my plan and we might have to go in and exchange our phones together. So I drag my feet about changing.

Curly and I both ate less snacks tonight as he brought carrots for us to snack on, though we ate a lot of the turkey stir fry and it was mostly meat. I did have some chips, but the cutting back on calories happened and hopefully it will get more serious tomorrow and still more serious the next day and so on and so forth as that it what is needed for the body. I must get carrot snacks for here, though I don't buy fresh foods because, as you know if you've been reading along, I have no place to wash fruits or vegetables. I am consciously resisting eating right now as I am hungry but I am not sure if it is physical or emotional hunger and I just have to look down at my waistline see the bloat. I should head to bed soon, but I had two coffees at Excel's and so the brain is wired on drugs.

I have nothing in particular planned for tomorrow so I can sleep late, but I hope not to so I can get back to a bit more of a daytime schedule because I need to do some things that require daylight (like moving more stuff to the garage and rearranging more stuff here and opening and sorting through more boxes) and in some cases, interacting with others who actually sleep at night. I also need to get back to a habit of daily exercise to burn more calories and that is not going to happen if I am only sleeping when I am exhausted (like this afternoon at Curly's).

I shall, however, make the attempt to sleep by laying down now. I hope you had fun today too. :)

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Night Thoughts

Seems to be the pattern. When I go to bed before midnight I am awake some time between 2 and 3am and the thoughts roll around the head preventing me from getting back to sleep. It mostly happens when I sleep past noon the day before and the body and mind does not need more than the four hour sleep cycle, but the body does need more sleep than I am getting lately and the night thoughts are getting in the way. Thoughts about failures, from thoughts about things I could have done differently to have kept the last job and income to thoughts about the last hand of Bridge I lost that I know I should have won if I did not lose focus. Thoughts about whether I will have to sell the car and what I will do if that happens. Thoughts about jobs and schedules and whether I will have to take a near minimum wage job that forces me to give up most of my softball. Thoughts about how that would devestate me on every level and then, thoughts about death.

I wonder how this happened to me
I've been a good person in this life
always giving more than I can afford
always caring about the other guy first
I mostly did the things I loved to do
I thought that was the way to have a happy life
and I am one of the happiest people I know
so how did I end up alone without a home?

I always put people first
never thought about money or success

When I was at the top of the heap
there were always good people around
I could enjoy blissful sleep
and the world was a happy playground
Now I lay awake at night
staring at the stars
wondering where
all those good people are

I always put people first
never thought about money or success

The lesson to learn may be to save
don't give it all away
Few of us can work till our dying day
and kindness does not pay
The lesson to learn may be to put
yourself first sometimes
unless you're happy with nothing
but the stars and rhymes

Objectively and subjectively, I do not think I am depressed. I am the happiest person I know inside. I am not happy with the world and most other people who are selfish and self-destructive and insensitive and living lives that are destroying this planet. I am not happy with all the dishonesty in this world. In professional and personal life, I want nothing more than to share my joy, to help others be happy, to help others eget what they want. What I find is others don't know what they want and they are afraid to find out. Asking threatens them. Unhappy with that state, they are quick to blame others, especially others who get "too close" (close enough to see through the fake smile they put on to the fear and indecision they do not want to face themselves). So I am over-sensitive because I am aware. So I am intrusive because my awareness shows. So I am useful until my money runs out or until there are no longer ways to avoid the reality of my awareness. It is a very lonely existence while simultaneously being part of everything.

So tonight I stayed in bed for two hours before I finally came here. The body needs more rest, but the mind craves more sharing. I did a laundry load last night, I left that out of the previous entry. I am not sure I mentioned that I moved a few large items in the other room, a large wardrobe and work shelves. I moved them up against the wall so they can be used for storage which opened up some middle space. Unfortunately that took the wall space that the bins were going to fit into, so I must wait until Curly helps me move the freezer before I can do much more in that room. I am still considering moving the wardrobe and shelves into the garage, but I do see the benefit of storage space in the apartment. There is a whole lot more that still needs to go into the garage.

I moved the bookshelf to next to the bed after clearing the stuff that was on it (that's what went into the wardrobe) and the shelves did not fit into the space intended for it so I still need to move the recliner and rearrange some boxes that are behind the recliner. I think I will unpack all of my music and put the CDs on the shelves so I have easy access to more music. Listening to lenka over and over has been my choice and still seems to be the soothing music I want to hear (she lets me roll with the theme of acceptance and optimism and child-like innocence and fun which is the keys to peace at my core, so I keep playing and listening because, for one thing, it helps me feel less alone... someone in this world understands part of me, or so her songs help me believe... that gives me hope that I might still find someone who really gets me and really wants to share life and my perspective and my awareness), but when I am ready to explore other emotions I will want other CDs.

I put clean pillow cases on the pillows too. I sleep with four pillows all around me. One goes between my needs when I sleep on my side. The other two are hugged when I sleep on my side. That keeps my spine better aligned when I sleep on my side. I used to sleep flat on my back almost exclusively until about ten years ago, maybe less. I think living with Jackson lead me to start sleeping on my side as the stressors that keep me awake at night started during those years (partly because of things she did, my inability to earn enough of her trust to really help her stop hurting hurself and partly because I was working a job for 12 years, a job I loved, but working for people who were worse than unappreciative. My direct supervisor, in fact, enjoyed hurting people emotionally and psychologically. Most of his directors did not stay long and the few that did were very weak people willing to accept abuse. Flat on my back increases awareness and there was much I did not want to be constantly aware of in the past decade.

Sleeping alone may have contributed to my side sleeping as well. When I slept with someone else I would usually sleep flat on my back and become their hugged pillow. I seldom moved while sleeping most of this life. I know so much more peace when I am helping someone and sharing life with someone intimately. I can let go of my sense of helplessness as my awareness shows me all the tragedy in this world that i can do nothing about. I can find peace in helping just one person and that is why that work has been my profession throughout this life. As I rose on the professional ladder, I missed the direct care I can provide, but I was happy running an organization that was helping others and I could still interact with people moment to moment to inspire smiles. I miss that most of all and wish the last organization I worked for was not so misrepresented in the interview process and public relations presentation. When they told me they play the same game other places play, that I was not welcome back on campus, not even to visit the people I called family, that was proof that they lied and that hurt a lot. I was fooled again. Still wonder why I believe people at all.

I intend to go play softball with the senior pick-up league in a couple of hours. I guess I could show up early for a change and pitch more during the batting practice. They might appreciate that. Each batter pays a dollar for batting practive and I am not sure if that money goes to the pitchers, but it it does, I'll volunteer to pitch more often. I don't think it does though. I think all of the money they collect goes toward paying for the fields and whatever is collected above that goes into the collector's pocket. Perhaps I am just being cycnical, but I've seen nothing to the contrary out there. The sun should be up soon.

I am not hungry, yet I did not eat much yesterday. Just the meal I described in the previous entry. Maybe 700 calories, if that much. I did more physical activity than the average person my age does in a week, so why am I still bloated and feeling fat and flabby? Still need more consistent and more varied exercise, but I wonder if my internal organs (kidneys especially, maybe liver too and possible heart?) are bloated. The kidneys have water cysts in them that do increase their size, but the Urologist I saw maybe twelve years ago said they are nothing to worry about. The liver was called a fatty liver the last time it was checked, but the doctor was not concerned and just advised me to do my best to keep my wiehgt down. I definitely can do better keeping my weight down. The heart was 100% the last time it was checked. I went for a full stress test about 12 years ago and the Cardiologist told me I was wasting his time because I had the heart of a 30 year old. I am getting much more fatogued much more quickly lately though, which is a sign of congestive heart failure and also a possible side effect of the blood pressure medication. Sigh, sometimes I wish I was blissfully ignorant of medical knowledge like most people. My muscles fatigue easier than ever, another side effect of the medication. Liver and Kidney changes are relatively common side effects too, so I really should go for that blood work up and yet, I have no desire to trust the medical industry with this body, especially since I'd have to trust the free hospitals, and I definitely do not want to hear about any other medications they would most likely want me to start.

I wish it was easier to eat here. I mean, there's no kitchen and the bathroom sink doesn't work for cleaning up anything larger than silverware or a small bowl and it leaks and only has hot water which gets too hot to use too quickly, so I am stuck eating out of cans and meats out of cans are messy. I need to consider bringing foods I want to eat over to Curly's and preparing a week or two's worth of small portions there so I can eat smaller meals more often as one meal a day is not only not healthy, it is not a good way to drop weight even if there are not many calories. That is likely contrinuting to my increasing fatigue. Of course age plays a role as well, but can't do anything about that. :)

I may stop for a protein drink on the way to the fields. No, says the wallet. Yes, says the doctor. Compromise says someone I don't want to deal with. Ah, the voices in my head, how do I count the ways... lol lam.

The anal fissure seems to be getting better, so it appears that I am still able to modify treatments to my limited resources and environment. The shins are almost healed and the skin rash is just about gone. Everything just takes longer without the money for the right treatments, but home remedies have worked for people for a long time so I am figuring that out as I have to. I think the body should feel a lot better if I drop thirty pounds, so maybe I will take that seriously again. Not that anyone around me cares, which is a large part of the obstacle I face. I spend most of my time with obese or at least very overweight people and their eating habits and health habits are not good for me as I too easily adapt to those around me because I want to share experiences with those around me. I don't want to change the currently busy social life I maintain, so I will have to step back and observe their eating more often if I really want to lost weight. Maybe I'll bring carrots. Again, spending money becomes the obstacle. Get a job.

Yeah, I know, that brings us to the summer world series. I would likely not be able to go if I took a new job unless I took a minimum wage job that I would be willing to quite in order to go to the series and then I will still have the stress of no income while mostly likely giving up the most important de-stressors I have, the regular softball playing. Get a part time job, yes, I may need to psychologically and emotionally prepare myself for the bottom rung of the work force once again. I keep hoping Jackson will come through with her promise to start paying me back for all the money I gave her (and she took) over the years (tens of thousands of dollars, if we really add it up) cuz just a few hundred a month would ease my mind about the car payments and let me more easily put off finding an actual job until September, but more, that would restore my faith in her and that might help me restore some faith in people... sigh.

Does anybody remember when my babble was mostly fun and frolic and meandering irreverence and silliness and references to all sorts of odd and wonderful things and people and so on and so forth and scooby dooby do dah day oh... where is that daylight that used to take me home, anyway? Ah, there's the laughter I sought. Inside. Like that scene from Hook when that little lost boy, Pockets, find Peter in his eyes and says "there you are, Peter" and oh, there it is... and maybe someone understands (even though the latter might not get that his or her title would be kinda perfect for my blogging world and style lol cuz he sure is not prolific, but that doesn't mean I can't love him or her). Time is irrelevant in blogs, if you recall. So I sigh and wish someone would find me in here, amidst all these words, and even more, behind the eyes.

Well, I've occupied a couple of hours with this entry. sighing a lot, like when I remembered I could not actually hear the video I went looking for and linked above because the sound is out on this laptop. The battery just recently started not holding a 100% charge too. And it overheats without a constant fan blowing on it from the side as it sits on a tray on my lap. How long will it last and what would I do if it suddenly died, oh, that seems like a scary thought. I've been without a computer before. Maybe about twenty years ago just as the internet was being born. I've been tapping keys for about thirty five years now once I finally got over the challenge of leaving paper and pen behind. I still penned letters to friends, pen pals, through the nineties but the keyboard has been one of my best friends for most of this life. I must keep a few hundred untouchable in case the worst happens with this machine. Just one more stressor to sigh out.

I just went to the bathroom. I glanced up into the mirror and noticed that for the very first time in this life, I have flab under my arms. I've been this weight before, aboug 215, I've been even heavier, but never have I had flab anywhere. I always had tight skin and strong muscle tone under the layer of fat that would form when I gained weight. This is disturbing. This is motivation. Let's see if the impact of the visual I just saw will linger oong enough to motivate me not to eat too much of the fattening snacks there will be at cards tonight. Ten pounds must go in June, no less will be acceptible. Challenge me, dammit. I just did, I think.

I wonder how I've changed over the years other than physically. I wonder how my writing stayles and moods and presentations have changed. My reading of myself is so subjective. A friend I've known online through words and the occasional phone call recently told me that my rhymes feel the same, but my babbles have a very different feel. I must ask her to expound on that. I wish I had writing friends from my early years who saw the changes in me through their own eyes. I wish I could even read the paper books I wrote before I went into this digital world.

Time to go to softball...

Friday, May 27, 2016

Friday on Friday

That title could be referring to reading a Heinlein novel on a Friday or many other things, but it simply means I am writing Friday's summary on a Friday as opposed to the usual summary written and posted some time after midnight. Maybe I'll actually get some serious sleep tonight (there's always hope). :)

So what else happened that I did not say briefly (lol, gotta babble)? Starting with softball, both teams for our double headed forfeited by not showing up. That really sucks because we pay for ten games and we've had two rained out and two foreits already. We will likely make up our rainouts, but we only get to play eight games this season and we don't get a refund. We pay, as a team, $40 a game so it's not really cool, especially when they knew teams would have trouble with the holiday weekend and most teams asked to not play on this weekend (us included) but the field director would not change the schedule because there are two weeks in June that they have tournaments at these fields so we will have those two weeks off.

Our coach spent a lot of time finding subs because more than half of hour team was away for the holiday weekend and so she wasted all that time on the phone calling dozens of people. The six players subbing for us drove out to the fields from all over the area anticipating playing two games and they got to play no games. For me, that meant a lot more pitching so everyone could get batting practice so I am exhausted from bending over and picking up balls a few hundred times, not to mention being ready for balls hit back at me at 100 miles per hour hundreds of times. I didn't get hit, but a lot of fielding and bending and pitching wears a body out.

The good news to come out of the softball forfeits was that we all had batting practice. A few of us, me included, really needed it. I used my new bat and hit well with it, though it definitely needs breaking in (a few hundred hard swings with good contact and a bat compresses so it hits harder and farther with less swing power) and it definitely wears me out (it is 30 ounces end loaded, but I find that a heavier bat works better for me than a lighter bat as my bat speed has slowed over the years, but I can still pound the ball wherever I want it with a heavier bat... the 29 ounce balanced bat I've been using for five or six years is no longer legal in USSSA leagues and I play in four of those... my hitting will be going through an adjustment period but I proved to myself tonight that I can get used to the new bat... I'll just need to consider using someone else's lighter bat if I get too tired after a few games).

So it was a good workout, though too short. Two hours of game playing softball was reduced to one hour of practice. Tomorrow I'll get in at least three hours of practice and games with the seniors so this body really needs to get sleep tonight. No one wanted to go out after softball, which is probably best for me on every level except socially (lonelies are calling) so I headed home and here we are, a lot earlier than usual.

More good news is that I resisted stopping for food (the dollar menu at Taco Bell was calling along with a dozen other places including Venus Pizza, but I did not respond), so I saved money and I kept the calories down at home eating one can of chicken, one can of mushrooms, one can of cream of celery soup, two slices of fat free cheese, a couple of tablespoons of fat free thousand island dressing, a tablespoon of onion dip mix for seasoning, and an ounce or so of vegetable spread. I feel bloated and I ate a lot less than usual. I think my kidneys are swollen and take up half my abdominal cavity, but then, that could just be my trying to excuse being fat. Maybe tonight and this week, since I cracked a couple of cans of chicken, the weight loss begins? There's always hope :)

I sat down to eat and catch my breath (figuratively, I mean I was exhausted and feeling a sugar low, but I was not breathing heavy) and listen to music and write and yes, Lenka again. Now I'm gonna motivate myself to get up and shower and then come back out listen to music and either lay down and see if sleep comes or write (as you may have noticed, O have been writing a lot more lately which is a very good sign cuz the more I write, the more it means I am in a good place inside (and as I mentioned in the previous entry, there are periods where I write more than ten entries a day over a period of many weeks). It also demonstrats why I am alone in life because seriously, who would ever keep up with me when I am in a really really good place inside . . . lol lam sigh :)

so time to close and here too, make it a great night (and hope it was a great day) :)

More Babble (Where Am I?)

We might as well call it what it is as this blog starts moving forward with entries more than once a day. If you want a brief synopsis of the life I experience daily, in case it matters to you, you can find that in this next link: in case it matters. <--- Yes, that is the link. And yes, the current brief daily personal blog is called In Case It Matters and it's address is incaseitmatterstoyou.blogspot.com, in case it matters to you.

Meanwhile, if you remain here, you will be subjected to babble. More babble each day from all apparent evidence (the last time I took a break from the working world, the daily blog averaged more than three entries a day and, well, see for yourself in this count-by-month of the previous daily personal blog (that was intended to be brief, but ended up both brief and babbly which is why this new incarnation of the daily personal blog has two parts, the current brief daily personal blog called In Case It Matters (you might have read about it somewhere recently) and this current babbling daily personal blog you are reading right now. The previous daily personal blog had almost seven thousand entries over the course of about seven or eight years and the entry count by month, since we are on the subject, follows:
2016 (5)
► April (1)
► March (3)
► February (1)
2015 (748)
► December (2)
► November (81)
► October (86)
► September (55)
► August (60)
► July (68)
► June (70)
► May (70)
► April (71)
► March (79)
► February (36)
► January (70)
2014 (647)
► December (111)
► November (70)
► October (31)
► September (36)
► August (67)
► July (46)
► June (32)
► May (28)
► April (32)
► March (50)
► February (46)
► January (98)
2013 (1494)
► December (123)
► November (101)
► October (37)
► September (40)
► August (31)
► July (120)
► June (228)
► May (182)
► April (104)
► March (155)
► February (100)
► January (273)
2012 (1553)
► December (413)
► November (202)
► October (245)
► September (175)
► August (116)
► July (150)
► June (85)
► May (57)
► April (33)
► March (26)
► February (13)
► January (38)
2011 (619)
► December (30)
► November (24)
► October (47)
► September (75)
► August (81)
► July (50)
► June (67)
► May (53)
► April (69)
► March (47)
► February (41)
► January (35)
2010 (589)
► December (29)
► November (52)
► October (78)
► September (61)
► August (34)
► July (34)
► June (37)
► May (35)
► April (49)
► March (52)
► February (81)
► January (47)
2009 (872)
► December (55)
► November (41)
► October (33)
► September (9)
► July (16)
► June (210)
► May (149)
► April (105)
► March (83)
► February (80)
► January (91)
2008 (264)
► December (66)
► November (58)
► October (48)
► September (34)
► August (28)
► July (8)
► June (13)
► May (9)
Some months actually saw well over 100 entries and there was a month that was receiving more than ten entries a day, so if you are not prepared for that sort of barrage of words, you might want to reconsider your choice of coming here to read my babblings. In any case, that proof and this realization and admission of fact is the point of the title and start of this entry. Sometimes there will not even be a subject or purpose or reason for an entry beyond the simply statement of facts about statistics (facts about stats... no, I am not starting yet another new blog... at least not just yet... though it is a catchy title and I do on occasion, as I am doing right here, but I do not feel motivated to create yet another new blog just yet. There are so many already and at least a helf dozen more not used but created just cuz I liked a title... are we laughing or is it just me?) like this one.

So anyway, this blog is babbling on. Perhaps the title should be revised to something like Dirt, Drama, Detail, and More Babbles, but we will not do that just yet. Perhaps I should create another blog just for meaningless (or relatively meaningless) babbles like this entry, but we will not do that just yet. We do have Paragraphs for side notes (and I am still not sure what else as it is developing it's purpose and meaning as each entry is added and may, from time to time, even have more depth or meaning or secrets than any other blog... or is that just a sales pitch for it), but that was supposed to be brief, like a paragraph and not much more for each entry.

Hello again. I wandered off into links as I was finding the links for the blogs mentioned above and this is the point where I decide whether this entry is over or whether it will zoom off on various other tangents. I think the previous daily blog got so many entries because I was consciously trying to keep those entries brief in the hope that I might attract more readers but it turned out that I had more readers for previous babbling blogs than the long-time previous daily personal blog ever did and when the opportunity arose as it is right now at this moment, I concluded one entry and started anew in another... anew in another, that's an auditory amusement... but anyway.

While there (in the previous daily blog... is a nostalgic entry brewing somewhere in my psyche?... could be), I decided to add a couple of search words to the SEARCH ME section (scroll down on the page on the previous daily blog when you want to find it) and in doing so, I found myself, that is an eponymous blog intended to be the repository of sort of formalish public introductions to me such as personal ads (especially personal ads) in which I describe who I am and what I want from sharing with someone else or others. It is one of my direct "get to know me" blogs.

In any case, I scanned through entries there and found an old comment from someone who I never actually identified and pondered a bit and that pondering turned into a comment (with the usual extras repeated comments get to improve them or simply to reduce the repetitive redundancy) there and this is it (keep in mind the question I posed to the anonymous commenter was who are you? and if you must know how I got there I was adding SEARCH ME terms to the SEARCH ME section of the previous daily personal blog that I was recalling earlier (remember?) and noticed in the fifth paragraph of this entry and I started clicking on a few links (see, there is a path, you just need to be there, or something like that):

We may never know... Brit expat... A few people come to mind. Could be a complete stranger stumbling across here for the briefest moment. Could be a secret admirer hanging on my every word, but too shy to come out and expose herself. Himself? What's all this about exposing one's self? Could be >Greg James. After all, I am pretty sure the adorably effevescent (and almost perfect) Emma Blackery is still across the pond, the adorably irreverent world traveller >Natalie Tran is an Aussie, and god knows where God is from (wherever he or she wants I suppose), so it just might be. Or it could still simply be a complete stranger randomly clicking on this particular entry. Yes, it took me this long to figure it out. I was using Deep Thought.

There is a reference test for ya lol :)

Imagine, an unexplected plug in an obscure comment in an even more obscure blog (repeated with additives in another newer {and improved?} just as obscure blog) about some unknown character roaming the internet in search of friends, laughter, and true love (and the occasional squirrel). How famous can we get, aye? :)

Yes, so perhaps we now see why I started to conclude some entries before they rambled off in various other directions much like the prior previous daily personal blog and even the one before that did (travelling back more than a decade now, are we?... oh, the place we could go if we started down those paths lol lam laa).

On that note, I will wander off to do something else potentially even more embarrassing than endlessly begging for attention in meandering babbles peppered with random and calculated linkage on the internet like adjusting my truss (ever notice the similarity between a truss, a jock strap, and a chastity belt?... I know, I reach for some ridiculous oddities in parenthetic asides or when irreverently concluding an entry that seems to have no conclusion} or preparing a warm sitz bath to soak an anal fissure, perhaps... just kidding, I don't own a sitz bath... in fact, I don't even have a bathtub).

Leaving us wide-eyed and bushy tailed, I hope your day is fun too :)

Sweet Teeth

It is truly a miracle I still have all of my teeth, except for one wisdom tooth I let a dentist pull. Dentists love to find problems because that is how they make money, Same with doctors or any profession. Doctors, drug companies, and hospitals need sick people. Insurance companies need sick people, clumsy people, and people prone to accidents. Lawyers need criminals. Politicians need gullible fools. When there are not enough customers, they create more. So I seldom visit a doctor or dentist and I am one of the healthiest people I know for my age.

Anyway, about the teeth. I have the sweetest teeth. I mean they crave sweets more than the average teeth and I'd wager there are few teeth in this world that crave sweets more than my teeth. Specific kind of sweets, my teeth are picky. They don't want just any crap sugar, they want specific flavors and textures and body and more. The reason I am going on about my sweet teeth is they are craving sweets right now and I have no sweets here. Going out for sweets is an option, but a very foolish one as I was almsot asleep two hours ago and if I go out for sweets I'll be up all night (or I might fall asleep right after, but stop encouraging the teeth) nand sleep all day and be groggy for softball tomorrow night and be up tomorrow night after softball and the lonelies will drown me.

I don't want to drown, so I'll stay home tonight.

As I was saying earlier, life these days is all about sleep and play. And sweets. Well, not just sweets, food. Life is about food. Food is my primary sensual stimulation and as much as my teeth crave sweets, my body craves stimulation. So does my mind, but that's another bottomless pit of insatiable appetite we'll leave for another night. I keep looking around for sweets and don't find any. I believe I have some canned fruit in a box somewhere so it behooves me to get more boxes open, but not tonight. I really need to get to sleep soon.

After whatever the last entry summarized, I headed out to play bridge as tonight was Thursday Night Bridge at Excel and the Commodore's place. They had dinner ready, as usual (one day I must find a way to thank them more than I do now). Dinner was meat and potatoes and veggies, as usual. I've eaten more meat and potatoes (not to mention chips, salsa, crackers, guacamole, and other snacks) since playing cards than I did all last year or maybe longer. No complaints, I just need to cut back and find some healthier balance to my diet. Labs tests would definitely have doctors up in arms these days and I really should go get some as I have a free place. One of these days, yeah.

Crock pots cook meat soft enough to cut with a fork or spoon. Tonight was pork tenderloin, little potatoes, squash/zuccini mix. I may get a crock pot but I am not sure how hot it would make this place. Cheaper ones that do not have rubber seals steam up a place and that would not work here at all. I must pay more attention when around them. I could do pasta and veggies and chili and meatballs and other stuff I like. Yeah, if I decide to get past the recent freeze on my non-essential spending. Maybe I should have pursued that sleep lab job a bit more.

Anyway, bridge was fun tonight. I started out great and had a big lead but then I slowed down as I lost focus. I was hungry and I have no caffeine. I slipped into third place behind the Commodore and Curly by the end of the night. They brought out cheese-its and I had a few, but they love their snacks so I just waited a few minutes and they were gone. Better for me that way. I had a bologna and cheese (muenster) sandwich when I got home and I was starting to feel sleepy, but then started playing Bridge on the computer and woke up and then the teeth started talking to me and here we are.

Are you enjoying reading this meandering babbling summary of the dirt, drama, and details of this life I experience? Anybody? Bueller? I will stay hopeful and keep dreaming that this sort of communication is exactly part of the kind of communication someone wants and we will pleasure each other through words and any number of other ways. If it's only words, that's fine too. I'll just keep dreaming of more and appreciate every moment of our shared words.

Somebody must be a little like me :)

All I want to do is share everything with someone who
wants to share everything the way I do with me
I've been told that there is someone in this world for everyone
and I want to believe that is not just fantasy

I've been waiting patiently enjoying the life
Always keeping the door open for the one who is my wife
the partner who is meant to be a part of me right next to me
and I want to believe that can become reality

Yeah, so anyway, we were just having fun, right? I hope you had a good day and night too :)

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Strolling Along

In between the this and that I wrote a rhyme or two and still listening to Lenka's Lenka again and again because it is the meditative soothing and since I can't listen to anything new (and I want so much new Lenka and others, the wanting hurts) on the computer cuz the sound is broken (I just remembered that as I went to listen to something new on the computer and re-realized the sound is still broken, sad face, pout, tear), the happy boppy sweet and sassy sounds of acceptance Lenka put on Lenka helps a lot as I stroll along (and occasionally skipalong) sitting back and just enjoying the show (with and without sound) while still wondering if anybody will ever really care (there's a blog for that, ya know?... and two of them are linked above, ya know more now lol) as the verb caring which is different from the caring we do in words which is wonderful caring too but different and I have been missing the caring as a verb in the physical world for way too long now and the cynic grows in power as the hope wanes but hae no fear for there is always hope (I hope)... see? :)

Typing is challenging while strolling along so I sit to type but then, sitting is not comfortable lately so I suppose I need to set up a standing typing station (like I have space here) until the sitting is comfortable again. I am taking the fissure more seriously and keeping it moist with warm water and also vaseline until I go to the store and buy other stuff. So we've been distracted from the babbling already and now the neck steps up and I forgot if I took a blood pressure pill this morning so I am gonna take another and then another tonight and hopefully my kidneys do not explode and my liver survives cuz life is kinda tough do without kidneys and livers and other beans, ya know?

take every moment
you know that you own them
it's all up to you, do
whatever you choose

live like you're dying
and never stop trying
it's all you can do
use what's been given to you

Maybe a little too much external power reference in that last line and maybe another place in the song, but maybe I'll accept it as creative license and enjoy the possibility that she really gets it cuz my interpretation of the words is my reality even if it is not the writer's intent cuz words are free radicals once they are shared.

Wait, there's a reality?...

LOL, ok, so I went back to bed around 9am and slept until just after 1pm and sit here now slightly groggy and feeling a little bloated and the ear is ringing loudly which is a sign of fatigue and/or blood pressure and/or stress so sitting bad and meditating would be a great idea except sitting is stressful at the moment so I guess I will just stroll along some more. I feel really bloated and yet I did not eat or drink in at least the last sixteen hours which also points to fatigue (not sure if bloat can also be associated with blood pressure, but it might make sense) and I could probably sleep more but then I will likely be up all night again and I am trying not to do that especially now that Sunday softball is over so I will not be automatically out in the sunshine and fresh air all day Sunday so I need to remember to get out in the sunshine and fresh air more so maybe I ought to get dressed and head out the door... where?

Must there always be a destination? Only if I get in the car because I do not want to keep spending $20 a week or more on gas while I am not working. From here to Curly's is 15 to 16 miles depending on the route I take. From here to Excel's is about 14 miles. From Curly's to Excel's it's about 16 miles. So as much as I'd like to drive to Curly's to get better dinner (even if I buy the food, it can be cooked differently or grilled there, luxuries I don't have here with only a microwave), if I then drive him to Excel's and then back to his place it's about 62 miles, about 2 gallons of gas, about $4.50 depending on gas prices (and it moves me closer to the $60 oil change with each trip). We play at Exdel's twice a week, so that would be $9 a week in gas. Then there are tolls going from Curly's to Excel's and back, about $3 each way. That is much faster than the main street with all the lights and potential traffic. Softball and the Tuesday night trip to Curly's and incidental driving accounts for the rest of the $20 a week in gas alone (not tolls) I've been averaging lately. I can drive straight to Excel's for less than a dollar without tolls. Seems to make more sense and Excel does feed me, but I feel like I am taking to much and not giving back enough if she feeds me twice a week. I at least keep food in Curly's fridge and restock regularly. Guess I should talk to Excel about that. Poverty is not much fun when one wants a social life.

Let's not even bring the dining out aspect of social life into it. The only time some people get together, especially groups and the opportunity to meet new people, is for lunch or dinner out and that is a luxury I mus cut out completely. Speaking of dining out, Jackson texted me and invited me to lunch on June 3rd. I wonder if that is a guilt treat or if she actually wants to get together and catch up. We have little or no clue what is going in each others lives lately and after knowing every little detail for so many years, it is weird to see her now. It is definitely the parent separation feeling I've had many times with others along the way. I don't think that is the way real best friend separate. I still want to know everything, but she doesn't really want to know what is going on in my life (except to ask if I am working yet) because she does not like discomfort and feels guilty. Mostly she really does not have time for anything but work most days (still doing 16-18 hour work days). I know, enough lamenting about losing my former BFF and baby sister already. Drifting apart is not fun, especially when living alone. I must remember to thank Dave again and more often for being there for me this year. Thinking about where I'd be without him is not a pleasant thought. It is getting too hot for me to be on the streets in Orlando.

Life's twists sure are... not sure just what word fits there. My babblings before the internet were so different cuz there was no thought of money for many years. This period of poverty is the result of my selfless generosity and poor retirement planning and desire to spend a lot of years of this life not working and enjoying free time (14 years so far since I became legal and I was out of the parental house and independent at 17 years old). The only thing I might do differently is putting a cap on the giving once it started tapping into my various retirement plans that I cashed in over the years. Never thought I'd be alone this far down the line, la la la.

I seem to be meandering along as I stroll, aye?

Time to play the cards :)

Reambulating (or something like that)

There's a song in that, but for the moment, the thought that time keeps on skipping skipping skipping into the present moment and days pass without notice sometimes or something like that (my darling, though not clementine or your little orange too). I am just skipping along, alas, and the longing longs long tonight.

I realized after thinking about my poor plate performance at softball last night that I am very much a creature of habit on the softball field. I alternated plating first every other inning with another player and I believe that was on my mind as I was only partially there feeling out of place and it threw me off at the plate and I get very distracvted easily when I want to be distracted easily... or something like that. Did I mention that I hit poorly? We won 14-4. The field director and manager were there and last week was forgotten, no comment, which disappointed me but in the end is fine as I am no longer taking Wednesday night softball seriously. If another opportunity closer to home comes up, I'll jump at it.

Time seems to skip along these days and dang if I know what's going on half the time, but the song references continue and I continue to record the life here and in various other places just in case it matters to someone outside of my head and for the few who check in occasionally and for the one, wherever she may be and whenever she gets here. It is all about sharing, after all, and the root of that is the desire to share everything with someone who wants to, can, and will share everything with me. The hopelessly hopeful romantic believes there is always hope (I hope) so the process continues.

I may have mentioned or forgot to mention (details running rampant) that I snacked before and after softball, which counts as dinner. Leftover Taco bell and leftover canned chicken, spaghettios, golden mushroom soup, and so on. Yes, canned and fast foods, that's life (and the death of me) these days. If the one is Vegan, I'll adapt.

I may not have mentioned that fell asleep shortly after the after softball snack that was the second half of dinner and woke after 2am and stayed awake again. Yes, that seems to be a pattern. I showered, wrote a bit (or vice versa) and then played Bridge for the last couple of hours and here we are. Wishing somehow you were here again cuz all I ever needed was the one, cha cha cha. We must remember this, or something like that.

I want to fall in love again
I do it all the time
with life and love and everything
and even words that rhyme

but I also want to find someone
who falls in love like me
so we can fall in love as one
together through entropy

through eternity
through infinity
sharing everything

completely and
sharing everything

I want to give myself to someone who
knows the intentions at my core
to care for someone who cares for me too
so we need nothing more

through eternity
through infinity
sharing everything

completely and
sharing everything

I am a hopelessly hopeful romantic
a child lost in innocence
searching for someone who understands
the shared experience

through eternity
through infinity
sharing everything

completely and
sharing everything

over and over the song is the same
with every new moment we fall in love again
and when we get tired we sleep in each others arms
only to wake eager to continue living love's charms

through eternity
through infinity
sharing everything

completely and
sharing everything

Yes, the one has been on my mind tonight :)

So Much To Know

Yes, a life has so many tiny details. Last entry I shared a layout of the house I currently live in. From there, we could drill down to what each space contains and further, what each compartment (closet, cabinet, fridge, etc) contains and so on. We can also detail expand outward into the neighborhood. We can share more about me and the people licinf in this house. We could share the history of the neighborhood (Curly lived here his whole life so he remembers when there were just a few houses within a dozen square miles). We could explore why I am sitting on an unside-down folded cushion typing these words to you at 3:30am instead of sleeping.

We barely scratch the surface in our sharing and even as I dream of the one who wants to know everything (and I mean literally and figuratively everything and more), even the one would need to be selective as there simply is not enough time in a lifetime to share everything. Ok, so for the sake of selectivity and with the hope that knowing more about me is one of the primary reasons you come to read this babbling detail blog (and if that's not the case, skip ahead because I will probably babble on about something else in the next entry cz we all need a little {or a lot of} distraction sometimes).

I woke during a light sleep cycle and usually during a light sleep cycle my bladder wants to be emptied because I take a blood pressure medication that contains a diuretic that keeps my kidneys working overtime to keep my blood volume down to keep my blood pressure down so it does not cause a stroke or heart attack and disable or kill me. I started taking the medication because I trusted a doctor who told me 130/90 is high blood pressure and I should go on medication. She had bells palsy and was overreactive to blood pressure. She kept giving me free samples of the medications, the drug company's way of getting people hooked. The medication caused kidney issues at first and then dependancy and now if I stop taking it my blood pressure can shoot to 180/110 way too easily and even with the medication at max dose it can still read 150/90 at times. I did let her switch medications a few times and she finally stopped seeing me as a patient because I was not returning for check ups because I did not want to continue to be her blood pressure medication guinea pig. I drink a lot of water because I have a history of kidney stones. So I wake after a few hours, sometimes 2 and sometimes 4, because my sleep cycle is about two hours.

I usually can fall right back to sleep but since the changes that are still affecting and effecting and defecting and deflecting and distracting and reacting and fracking fucking with me (well, are we going a little emo there?... ll, that's the defense mecca, ya know?... defense mechanism, not religious tool, but then, they can be one and the same which is a completely side saddled other tangent for another time) there are stressors that start swirling thoughts around my mind and there are just a few choices. I could remain in bed letting the swirling thoughts raise my blood pressure while I hope sleep returns (sometimes very low odds). I could get up and eat something as food sometimes helps me sleep (very unhealthy). I could lay in bed playing games on my phone until the battery runs out and not have an alarm clock in the morning (or I could but an extension cord and risk strangulation falling asleep with the phone connected wherever the phone lands after I fall asleep). I could get dressed and go out for a jog until I am too exhausted to think again (very health option when I was in shape, but these days I do not have the stamina to jog myself into mindlessness like I used to... jogging or running only becomes meditation when there is enough stamina to do it long enough to lose one's conscious thoughtstream in the patter of steps). I could get up and sit here and type, even if I am sitting rather uncomfortably on an upside-down chair cushion. I chose the last option once again.

So you may ask why the uncomfortable cushion. Well I may choose to tell you evem if that detail is not exactly typical dinner conversation. Being of a certain age and at least twenty (at the moment close to forty) pounds overweight, and taking a angiotensin converting enzyme (blood pressure medication), and not exercising enough, and most of all, sitting back in this aging recliner way too much, I have the occasional hemmerhoid. I have been H-free (I'll assume you can figure out what the capital H stands for) for almost a year, but developed my first anal fissure ever (previous hemmerhoids were on the border of internal and external and they responded well to Prep-H suppositories or cream... a fissure is external and this is my first bleeder, which is disconcerting or concerning or otherwise probably one of the many reasons I am awake sitting here on this up-side down cushion that is not very comfortable for the back but virtually removes all of the weight that would be directly on the coccyx without the up-side down cushion) in the past week or so and it is definitely presenting as a challenge as I do not have a bathtub or even a sink with hot/cold running water. So I shower a lot, though not enough because I perspire a lot more. The water bill here will be going up as I must start showering at least a few times a day. I may try one of thoae sitz bath things that fit over a toilet seat, but I really do not see how they work because the butt is smaller than the bowl so I wonder how the butt gets into the bowl, submerged, no less. You'd think after decades working health care I would know this, but it's one area I've not experienced in my professional life. My direct patient care was emergency room and psychiatric and all other roles were supervisory or higher in long term care with nursing staff handling the physical care issues. As I said, so much to know, aye?

So I will consider buying an over-the-toilet sitz bath and a coccyx protecting cushion and PrepH pads and cream and maybe another remedy tomorrow and that brings us to the most likely reason I am away, stress over losing the car and the stuff that has been in storage for two decades (anyone suggesting I let that stuff go might asd well give that though up as it seems I will not do that and that leads to the stress of the dillemma of not having the money to go get the stuff or the money/space to store the stuff if I did bring it all down here even though I now have the time to do that) and the poor diet and lack of comforts and cleanliness and all the other realities that come from living without income so yes, money stress is likely the promary cause for not falling right back to sleep after waking to go to the bathroom. Can any of this be helping the blood pressure or the kidneys?

Yes, so what else would you like (or not like) to know?

Is it rude to laugh now? lol lam llH laa :)

Narf :)

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Pressing Harder

Referencing the physical activity, while not to any point of exertion yesterday, increasing as I was out and active from about 8am until past midnight and today, after sleeping almost nine hours (with just one break to empty the bladder... dang diuretics), I somehow motivated myself to start moving stuff around around here. Curly stopped by the give me the key to the garage as I asked him to do yesterday and that bit of moral support helped rev up the motivation. All of the doors are now in the garage. Doors weight a ton, dangit. What added to the challenge is the soft dirt and softer mulch between here and the garage which is completely on the other side of the place.

Yes, I live in the country and this property remains country (even as developments with sidewalks and paved driveways and paths pop up down the street). There's a couple of acres out back with another house on it and three big greenhouses that Curly's mom uses for her plant-growing business. She's a chemist by profession, but prefers the greenhouse to a lab. I left out the fence in front of my place and gate I needed to negotiate the doors through, but you get the idea. I also left out a big screened porch and a covered walkway and little garden between the garage and the back apartment (which would be in the space marked "BACK APT", but you get the idea. Curly's mom and four brothers lived here before they all moved away and they turned this place into three apartments. Anyway, the point is tough trips with the hand truck and heavy work. Sure, if I was 20 years old it would not be as taxing (ever try moving 100+ pound doors?), but I am not as young as I used to be so I was exhausted after about ten trips (lots of doors).

In case you wondered, the picture was supposed to be drawn in the style a child draws pictures, but MS Paint does not have many options. Kids just wanna have fun, ya know? :)

The garage has a lot of stuff in it and it is in complete dissary, so movings stuff around and organizing it will be a future project over multiple days. One side is now partially reorganized so more can fit. Moving heavy stuff around in the garage and then moving the doors, some weighing more than a hundred pounds, really knocked me out. The heat was also brutal today and after about two and a half hours of heavy moving I was feeling the heat exhaustion signs in spite of drinking 40 ounces of water so I brought a chair and my fan into the garage and sat down in front of the fan with another liter of ice water and almost nodded off. The body needed rest.

I finished up some reorganzing of some very heavy stuff (he has a 200+ pound dumbell in there that dates back to the 1800s and was used by a wrestler for show. It;s huge, like two beach balls on either end of a bar. Like the strong men in circuses used to use. There are also air compressers, a generator, and other heavy equipment that I situated along the walls so they could be accessed easily but were out of the way.

after catching my breath and brought six cases of water in along with some other stuff from the car. If I didn't have softball tonight I might have continued, but my arms and shoulders were aching and exhausted and they and the whole body definitely need a few hours rest before softball.

So here we have a daytime entry because something different actually happened today. Progress. I pout cuz nobody is here to share it or cheer with me. Doing what I must do to survive and not lose the car and have a more comfortable place to live. I still don't know how serious I am about a job just yet. I got a call from Florida Hospital while I was waiting for my car and turned down an interview for night shift a position as assistent to the EEG tech in a sleep lab. Shhhh, don't tell all the worry-worts around me, m'ok? :)

Time to get some food in this body and then lay down a bit before heading out to softball. I hope you are feeling good about whatever you've been doing lately. I'll cheer you on from here :)

Smiles are good, ya know? :)

Grinding Gears

Alrighty then... as you can see from the previous brief entries, not to mention the last two in this blog, some digestive juices have been flowing through my psyche and as with all emo sessions, the full gamut (or is that a spectrum) of dirt, drama, and details poured out from the pity-party fool to the slow crawl back to self-reliant positivity (few have been around or have read enough to know my process and most respond as if I am in dire trouble or worse, but simply whether you believe it or get it or understand it or not, I only go down so I can come back up again... hitting a bit of bottom is necessary when drowning because propelling off the bottom gets me back to air again and so far, I've not drowned... at least I don't think I have... breathing counts, right?).

Laughter should be happening. If you are not laughing, you doubt my process which is fine, but I hope you don't stress or worry too much. I appreciate caring and concern and support, but don't worry, be happy. Now more than ever.

Actually, the "bottom" in this case is the bottom line. reaching a decision about something and accepting it, even if it is the last decision or realization I ever want to get to. So as I started saying in previous entries (we won't rehash the painful sadness of acceptance of bottom lines for now), it is time to move on and in a very real sense, give up on depending on people once again. Not completely, but very much big time stepping away. The good news is I made a bit of progress. I shifted into low gear partly from a metaphoric emo-psyche perspective (major changes in acceptance are best handled in low gear to prevent additional internal damage and minimize PTSD) and also because the body simply requires some low gear action when taking on seriously physical labor. That is how not to die, I think, while still maxing out physical productivity as the body ages.

So after waking last night around 2:30am, I did not go on Facebook, I instead released the emo that was building up. The painfully sad acceptance of loss and betrayal shall pass and the hope that all is not lost can grow from the ashes. I returned to work email (I have a specific address on my resume and on job sites) and wandered through and sent out a bunch of resumes for jobs that stretch the limits of my knowledge, abilities, and tolerance. After the very positive computer time, I showered and headed out around 7:30am to get the finally car serviced and after a few phone calls and visiting multiple places, I finally decided on doing it at Wal-Mart. First I stopped at Wal-Mart and found their oil change was $30 which was the same price the dealer quoted. I noticed a lesser service $20 oil change and almost went with that, but the wait was at least 2 hours so I called the dealer from the Wal-Mart parking lot and asked if they could get my in today. The first girl said 2:30pm. I asked price and she couldn't tell me and she said there were no service reps to tell me price either. I said thanks and I'd think about it.

I drove back around to the Wal-Mart service area and found a truck blocking the entry to the service area. I called the dealer again and another girl said come right in. I headed to the dealer. At the dealer, I was told the oil change would be $60 (or was it $70?) and the car was also due for a 20,000 mile service and he started rattling off prices for all the stuff they were going to do. Nope, thanks, I drove back to Wal-Mart.

At Wal-Mart, I learned that my particular car requires a very specific full synthetic oil and a very specific filter and to change that filter you had to have a very specific tool only the dealer sells, but it was not a worst case scenario situation. Wal-Mart negotiated over the past year with the oil manufacturers and with the car manufactere and now stocks the right oil and the right filter and even the right tool. So $58 later (including tax and all), the car finally has the service required (the wheel alignment and tire balancing and other stuff the dealerwanted to do will just have to wait which will mean I will have to replace the tires a year or two earlier than I might have to if I spent the money now, but I drive over speed bumps almost daily which through balance and alignment out so paying for that service is almost a waste of money). Yeah, first world problems.

While at the world's worst exploiter of the poor (ok, maybe there are worse exploiters, but I say Wal-Mart ranks right up there with the worst of them... ethics be damned, I am trying to save money so I don't lose the car right now and the people who work there providing the service I need are good people, friendly people, and I am simply not changing the world today), I bought six cases of water (yes, I still don't have drinking water here) and a loaf of bread and four cans of soup. I know, canned foods, especially canned soups have way too much salt (and often chemicals), but I am where I am in life (still no kitchen or usable sink) and gotta do what I've gotta do to survive.

After taking care of the car I headed to Curly's and accompanied him on one job assessing repairs on an air conditioner. I hung out in the car as there were two air conditioner guys meeting Curly there (he is doing less of the work and sub-contracting more) and the girl has a small attic apartment so I figured I'd be unnecessary cramping. I sat outside imagining all sorts of porn situations going on in the little attic apartment. I know, I have a very bored imagination and am probably a lot lonelier than I want to be aware of. Or maybe I am just seeking to amuse us.

We headed back to his place and we both took naps. I woke to find him cooking dinner for tonight. He enjoys chopping stuff and has home-grown spices and stuff so we always have onions and garlic and other stuff seasoning our foods. Dinner was cheeseburgers, finally, as I was craving them for a few weeks. I mixed all the ingredients into the meat (which was so cold I had to rinse my hands under hot water five or six times before I felt the meat was mixed enough). We added onions and garlic and cloves (Curly's favorite spice) and peppers and eggs and various other sauce-stuffs. I bought cheese (Velveete and Cheddar slices) and the cheeseburgers were delicious. I miss Cheeburger Cheeburger.

Tuesday Night cards was the usual fun with Excel and Knobby and Curly (others were busy... the Commodore was baby-sitting Excel's daughter {he can only make Tuesday Nights when her older son is home to babysit} and Elton was getting prepared for this weekend's softball tournament in Atlanta... I usually go, but I chose not to so I don't spend money... I am sad), although everybody was pretty tired and running in low gear so i fit in well.

We called it a night just after midnight and I almost fell sleep while plaing Ruzzle (Finished 4th this week). In my head there was a goal to wake early again and get some things done.

We are having fun sharing like this, right? :)