Sunday, October 22, 2017

Dreams Don't Die

Remember when I used to fall in love with people I never met just because I saw something in a face that connects with something in my dream center or core or (if we want to be spiritual, souls... if we want to be ethereal, anima, if we want to be romantic, heart, if we want to be intellectual, ummmmm, maybe I'm not an intellectual... or is that the cue to laugh... the mind is amazing... mine is just a maze... so let's just go with cognate and continue with whatever the point of this paragraph was going to be, m'ok?.. though we could have gone with alter-ego, but... what were we talking about again?) fantasy person friend who would understand me and love me unconditionally and trust me completely and be the family I never had?

Somewhere in there is a question so important that it had to be obscured with meaningful and possibly very distracting semantic explorations of what a true best friend might be called from various perspectives and if you have read me before, you know this sort of thing could go on for quite some time and even completely wander away from the point that was first started without ever getting to it, especially since I've been living like a refugee renter in other people's spaces for the past year or so, but maybe the exception to the exception will bring us to some point profound before the thread of consciousness completely dissolves in the babbling.

Yes, so anyway, where were we?

The dream friend who stayed (as opposed to the best friends who wandered away because the had the nerve to fall in love or get married or have kids or something like that, I mean, really, ya know?... hopefully you recognize sarcasm when you read it). The best friend I've always imagined and never found. Oh I know I'm not realistic to want someone to be my BFF or real, but hey, why invent a term like BFF if it's not really F, right? Soulmate? Maybe that is what I am really wanting after all because there is that whole all I ever needed was the one song that is part of the soundtrack of this life as I know it for me. Family is more like it though. The family I never had (because I was adopted and am on the outside of the biological connections most people have because my adopted family never really bonded with me the way they bond with each other because, I suppose, biology matters or something like that).

What brought all this on?, you might be wondering...

Well, it was wandering the penpal website I joined way back before the Hurricane (I think), just to use a random time reference. I disappeared as usual, forgetting about the site after writing to a couple of people and getting responses and writing again and not hearing from them again. Not knowing why is always frustrating, but it's usually because they have some sort of wall or prejudice or whatever that closes their mind to sharing with a babbler like me. Ageism is the most frequent factor after babbling too much. Not sharing the same religion or politics or values can be reasons for the sudden silence to. Cowardice, disrespect, rudeness, and insensitivity are the same in every case when someone simply chooses to ignore the words I send without any explanation.

Still, I keep reaching out because I believe there must be people out there like me who do not judge or reject without some sort of explanation. I have one person like me, J, who accepts me as I am and continues sharing. I joined the penpal site to expand my correspondence friends to increase the diversity of the inspiration pen friends can bring. There was a time I wrote to more than a hundred people an I miss learning about many different lives and people and places and perspectives and hopefully I'll find another caring person who will want to stay in touch and get to know me and share who they are.

One of these people will be my friend... I've got to believe, ya know? :)

Can you tell which two I am hoping for most? lol lam :)

Yeah, like a single still photo can really be enough to tell me who might be a friend (we're not talking about physical attraction, lust, and all that jazz because I am not looking for a long distance romance or cyber sex or any sort of superficial fantasy and besides, even if I was, a single photograph, a single frozen facial expression does not provide enough information to determine compatibility or even attraction for my picky libido, but that's another story for another babbling discussion if anyone is interested)... but I do have a soft spot for tree huggers and something in the face second row third column tells me we might relate like long lost family or at least have similar perspectives and the face in the fourth row first column might be able to tolerate me (psychic powers, right? lol). Did I mention those old soul eyes just above? :)

It's all guesswork, actually, but we can find out how well we relate if we decide to share and starting in reality is where I want to start. Dreams can come after we actually get to know each other, ya know? Austria, Greece, China, Japan, California, so much wonder out there. :)

So are we all in love yet?

Yeah, sarcasm and irreverence and self-mockery, get used to it as I laugh at myself and hope we can share the laughter one of these days. So much fun it is to write, after all.

Inspire me.

Narf :)

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Why Am I Lonely?

Sitting in the living room kicked back in my high back reclining desk chair, the chair I bought just for this purpose, dual, so I could be comfortable sitting up at a desk and also feel comfortable sitting back with my feet up and the laptop on my lap. I connected the little laptop to the TV big TV in the living room and for the first time since leaving the space I shared with Jackson I am watching what I want to watch on a big screen in a living room almost as comfortably as I did in the years before moving into full refugee mode.

Longing returns
longing more than ever
longing for love
for someone to care
and to quell the ache of longing
I distract all my senses
with flavor satisfaction

I am a foodie, but more than a foodie, I food is my lover, my mistress, my friend. I welcome another, a foodie who loves me, a mind as wide open as mine, a heart that feels everything, and hope so infinite anything is possible... and i am still a dream... tell me i am not the only one?

Why am I lonely?

If I started answering the question you asked I might never stop writing. Why am I lonely.. let me count the ways. Time restraints force me to answer thusly: Someday my princess will come and until she does, I am lonely. Expounding a bit further, I am a hopelessly hopeful romantic, a complete and whole being within myself, yet living this life to share it as completely as possible with someone who wants to and can share it completely as possible with me. Until I find her (I am 99% sure she is a her), I am lonely. On the surface, I have a busy active social life. Inside, where it matters most, I am alone. Of course we all are inside, but I dream of sharing some magical mystery connection in there and dream of finding someone who dreams the same dream. My wavelength is rather uncommon as that person has yet to be found. Than you for asking. Even those closest to me in life seldom ask. Did I answer your question? :)

It was the answer to the question someone asked at diaryland after reading this entry (or was it this one?... yeah, ok)... why am I lonely? Loneliness is certainly not new, but a resurrgence has rising from the pounding it gives my subconsciousness and the return to Diaryland shows how deep it (as in the rabbit hole, ya know) goes. So lonesome I could die still plays loud and clear in the corners of my mind. Comments to DLand friends are telling... as are excerpts from letters to friends...

My currently increasing feelings come from a lifetime of loneliness, abandonment, betrayal, and being misunderstood by most everyone I've ever met and coming to terms with the sadness that the the few who did seem to understand me are gone. Then I look around at life and realize I have no comfortable place to sit back and relax because this living environment is filthy outside my bedroom door and I know some of the filth is in the air around me even in this room. I have no way to take a hot shower at the moment (warm is comfortable, but it does not kill germs nor does it provide the physical experience this body needs). I should consider a gym membership so I can feel the therapy and cleansing and healing that hot showers bring me. I eat poorly (sometimes balanced, but too much salt and chemicals) and have not cooked a meal that was not out of a can in more than a year, closing in on two years. I must trust the cans and the restaurants for food. The diet and filth are taking a toll on this body. I spend way too much money eating out because I want something prepared from scratch and that has kept my savings from growing to a point where I feel comfortable moving into a higher rent place. The savings do not grow. I feel deeply betrayed by a coach I was loyal to for many years and that dampens my softball experience and I feel more isolated and not belonging anywhere than I ever have before. I have no one close enough to me to talk to about any of this and a whole lot of other things since Jackson moved in with Brandi because all I my friends are not in that place of trust inside. In the last week or few, all this (and a lot more) has been rising to the surface from subconscious and it has been challenging to deal with.

My writings are threaded with these challenges and threaded with laments lately.

As usual, most of my writings are obscured by references only I understand amidst references to many other things that create a maze that would be very challenging for anyone to truly understand without sitting down in physical space and sharing eye contact and spending time exploring deeply with open eyes, mind, heart, and a desire to care, love and trust unconditionally, and become family. Or at least spend a lot of time sharing with a lot of intelligence. So few people ever knew me. So few people ever came close enough, shared enough, took enough time.

Every now and then, and again this week, I've found myself wandering back to Diaryland to find familiar writers and words and maybe why all the connections I've made along the way online and offline have not stayed connected. It seems so challenging to stay connected to anyone in this life and I wonder sometimes if that is just me. Maybe my abandonment as an infant and lack of biological connections factor in somehow.

That is when I ordered pizza and an eggplant parm sub. Ah, taste distraction. I did not feel like eating out alone and it started raining as I approached here so I ordered. The last thing this body needed wee all the calories, but I have I ate the entire sub and almost all of the 16 inch pizza. Onions, pepperoni, and extra cheese. Delicious,but definitely wrong for the body. I hope the digestive system does not clog up, the anus is just finally starting to be less painful.

Living like a refugee is not so much fun alone.

Emotional eating has increase the weight to close to 220 again, the max weight I've known is right around there, maybe more. The tinnitus is loud, the blood pressure high, the sugar levels high, probably some other imbalances going on that are not too healthy... all in all, it's a slow suicide most people do, especially in this country.

Will power has been lacking the last few months.

That likely has tainted writings with some darkness. Doubt. Depression. Dimwittedness. I thought I was finding some of the old positivity and hopefulness recently when I started reaching out to people in the pen pal world site but I have not heard back from anyone since the second letters. Sad. Maybe I wrote too much. Maybe it's ageism. Maybe it's something else. I don't want to pretend or change who I am to attract someone to want to share with me. But I so much want some one to want to share with me. If I pretend or change, I am not me.

I just watched The Uninvited and 10 Cloverfield Lane both creepy movies that distracted me from the lonely life in this pace. You may have adapted to your life in your space, but I am still only happy in my head, not in this physical world. It makes sense to me.

I should sleep now. Another busy workweek begins tomorrow. Loving the work helps pass the time. Every Monday morning I wonder if any of my pants will fit... have to laugh at that, even though there is sadness about it too. I guess fat people stay jolly by forgetting how they are killing themselves. I wish I could forget a lot of things sometimes... then again, I don't.

I hesitate...

Why do I hesitate?

The TV hesitates too. Poor reception. Antenna TV. I live in a time warp. Eb, the landlord slash roommate lives to save money for retirement. He plays an old video game on a very old computer on a twelve inch square screen. He rarely browses the web, I've not seen him check email, and that game is the only thing I have ever seen him do with the computer When he is home, he is either watching Star Trek on the Heroes & Icons TV channel or playing that game. He has very old mismatched furniture that is very uncomfortable so even those rare times when his clothes are not covering them, I do not sit on them. He has a treadmill so old, it sits folded in a corner. I don't use the kitchen except to heat things in the microwave and occasionally in the oven. It is not clean enough to do any more. He is a strange, peaceful, obese man and I pay him twice his mortgage for a room here.

I play softball four days a week. My fifth league was washed out by the hurricane for this season. I have not found a close friend playing softball. Perhaps I hesitate too much or... perhaps I am not longer compatible with human beings. I have become too much like others I do not like. Assimilating into emotional turmoil and confusion. It makes no sense, but then, that is exactly my point. Human beings make no sense.

To play with irrational children, one must become an irrational child.


I stopped chasing love. I stopped taking the lead in relationships. I reach out and say hello, express who I am, and wait. I share here when there is no one to reach out to or when no one responds. Here I do not need response for I embrace various delusions that keep me hopeful.

Yet I still love for love. I want to share everything with someone who wants to share everything with me. It is my fondest dream. It is my most present and powerful desire. It is unfulfilled.

That is why I am lonely.


Friday, October 13, 2017

Living Alone

This should explain, to some extent, the roots of the babbling that will be linked here as I make whatever sense I can out of the polarizing emotions that permeate this body in this life in these days between homes as I long for, wait for, search for, hope for another person who can share life with me however they might, however they would. I am generally happier sharing life and living space and meals and time, even as I am happy alone. I look back at the history of this life as I've known it and the years I've lived alone have been much fewer than the years I shared space and life.

So maybe it is the lonelies that lead me back to Diaryland again, but for what it's worh and for those of you still caring about the hopes and dreams buried somewhere deep in this old heart of mine, this guy inspired this comment:

The lonelies are visiting me more often recently, at least on a conscious level. They've been pounding my subconscious for many years, but the daily life is so busy with enjoyable work and fun social activities, the consciousness is easily fooled into believing I am not alone. I wish. I even have an ever present roommate when I return to where I sleep, though he is not compatible for me to be close to in so many ways. This is far from home. My lifelong quest for 'the one' has been on a shelf for a long time now, more than it ever had been before. I used to write of the dreams of love on a regular basis (candora lived on in many places after the diaryland candora went silent), but in recent months, longer even, the heart sleeps deeper than it ever has before. Waking slightly lately to realize I still believe in love (and never give up, never surrender), I am wondering what new way or ways I can do to to try to find her. You understand loneliness, still, my reading of your words suggests you are not as down as you were the last time I visited here. I hope that is true. I am not down, in fact, life is so busy with fun and rewarding activities I wonder how a relationship would fit in - I still would do anything for love if the right one came around). Just waking up to lonely again. Refreshing, almost, to realize romance still beats in my heart. Stay strong and keep sharing here, there, and everywhere - it is one way to feel a little less alone.

Revealing? Perhaps, it's here for your perusal, edification, and curiosity, at least. Posterity too, always for posterity. Most of all, me and the one, whenever we get here. We could have shared a lifetime, now we can share the end, a moment of forever, the meaning of a friend... we could have turned the world on it's ear upside down, now we can stop our little lives from ending with a frown - it is a wonderful life when you live it in love even when you're alone love is all you dream of and the hope of finding the one right for you gets you through anything so you can enjoy everything that you do.

Works for me. :)

Ya know, some people say I'm crazy... doing what I'm doing... yeah, I'm just sitting here watching the wheels imagining my dream of unconditional universal love coming true and believing it can happen at any moment because a mind can open and become aware of the wonder of love in just a moment and in that moment everything changes and nothing will ever be the same. People say I'm crazy for being so hopeful, but I still believe I am not the only one.

I know you're out there somewhere. :)

will you come out to play?


Turn off the TV
get off your seat
outside your window
grass and concrete
a world of people
for you to meet
all in all life is
pretty darn neat

and we can laugh at the naivety
we can wonder about innocence
we can imagine a world of peace
and still be aware
of the crazy out there
that makes us live in fear
but let me make this clear

we don't have to let fear kill love
we don't have to give up the dreams we dream of
we don't have to hide out inside
to wake up one day and realize we died

we don't have to give up our hope
there are ways we an learn to cope
with danger and trouble and challenging things
we can still play songs on our heart strings

we know there are children starving
we know there is war, pain, and strife
we know there is violence among us
we know there are threats in this life

we don't have to turn off awareness
we don't have to turn off our hearts
we don't have to become unfeeling machines
we can rise above
to what we dream of
and actualize love
where everything worth living for starts

and we can laugh at the naivety
we can wonder about innocence
we can imagine a world of peace
and still be aware
of the crazy out there
that makes us live in fear
but let me make this clear

we can feel it all
the passion and pain
we can find rainbows through our tears

there is always sunshine
behind every rain
we can overcome all our fears

just come out right now
and I'll show you how
take my hand and walk just a mile

tell me who you are
how we've come this far
by caring we can share a smile

and suddenly life
with all it's strife
is easier to feel good about

just because we care
and dared to share
and overcame our fear and doubt

for a few moments...
we just came out

will you come out to play?

Got lots more hope and despair sitting in here and I really want to let it all out even it it appears that nobody cares cuz I am the only one here. The documented journey (or journeys) has (and have) been everything from boring to amazing and they continue in spite of my recent bloating (or re-bloating) and physical foolishness. The hope remains intact and almost as strong as ever in spite of the lack of evidence and the abundance of evidence to the contrary. The obscurity remains as virulent as it is benign (depending on perspective and immunity... I mean, hey, you cant cure everyone and some people will fight to the death to resist a cure that could cure them if they only gave it half a chance).

All the dirt, drama, and details will return to this babbling blog eventually. Sometimes, though, a stream of consciousness from the netherlands of consciousness and wherever else just has to flow through the brain into words as part of the process (you remember the process, don'tcha?... well, if you are new to these written gardens, just search for the word "process" in various blogs and you may get some understanding... then ask once you have a clue about what you are asking about and if there is time and space, answers will flow. Maybe even coherent ones.

Laughter is not offensive if you share it :)

It is all a matter of choice and perspective (and we choose our perspectives) so choose to be happy and understanding and compassionate and empathetic (though be careful with the empathy, it packs a wallop) and friendly and hopeful and shirley goodness and mercy will be nice thoughts, but you'll be happier even in the worst of circumstances and you might even survive the next war.


Yes, for now, alone again. Not always naturally, but definitely. There is an infinite space reserved for the one right next to mine and someday my princess will come, but until then... I remain alone without the delusion of sharing everything. It is the only delusion I want or need to expand my happiness into the eternal infinity. You remember the eternal infinity, dont'cha?

See above lol :)

Make tonight a happy night and tomorrow, make today a happy day... you can do it!

Narf :)

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Long Night Alone

Nodding off happens so easily, especially after meals or while watching TV after work, but if I am not careful, the night comes to wake me up as midnight approaches. Tonight I watched TV without computers, having left the computers at work. Feeling quite vegetative, I forced myself to turn out the lights, turn off the TV, and lay down in bed. It did not work. The writing had to happen. The babbler demanded equal time. So I opened an email on my tiny iPhone screen and the words flowed, full of typos, but the words flowed.
. . . Lost . . .

I feel kinda lost as I type on this tiny iPhone 5 keyboard as I lay here on my side listening to music on this same iPhone 5. Guess it is a pretty amazing little gadget. I wonder if it would type what I say if I turned off the music. So far I have not had any satisfaction with any voice to text or voice controls anywhere. This phone drives me nuts in the car. That could be poor compatibility too. The car sucks. Toyota gets a total fail when it comes to their navigation package. The screen has stopped responding properly. The voice control is pathetic. The map is $170 a year to update so it’s virtually useless now. Never buy Toyota. Anyway this is likely to be one long ramble with only periods for punctuation as I have enough trouble typing as it is without switching keyboards. Fat thumbs don’t do well with the small screens. I am bored with this subject.

Today was another good day at work. I was at the office until about 12:30 and then spent the rest of the afternoon out inspecting and photographing county properties. Toured the landfill to assess it for signage to protect people from forgetting Safety and to protect the county from stupid sue-happy people. Some people are so pathetic wanting something for nothing and always looking for someone to blame. We have a president like that now. The human race is showing its immaturity as technology gives them the opportunity to communicate instantly to the world.

Where are the wise ones
The prophets and sages
Will our history books have
Any worth on on their pages?
We’re a pathetic species
Full of fear and doubt
Our character can be seem in
What we get for differ about
The fourth estate
Sells pain and misery
Soap opera journalism
No credibility
Manipulated by politicians
Owned by oligarchy that is reality and
The same goes for you and me
Lost in distraction
Escaping with poisons
Always blaming others
Without any reason
This humanity
Lost in delusion
Fear and misery
If you ever got real
It would blow up your mind
Lucky you have your gods
To keep you blind

Pushing my little iPhone to add music... I started another letter to myself...

. . . Found . . .

Where there is a will there is a way. Hopefully I will be able to understand what I meant to write through all the typos because I am feeling like writing tonight and also feeling like listening o music and so the thumbs are moving and iHeartRadio is playing but I think I’ve exhausted the current playlist as imagine dragons radio is starting to repeat songs. Time for another. If I ruled the world playlists would not repeat lol.

Ok I switched to moody blues radio. After the commercial. So what song shall they begin with? My Wildest Dream. I wonder where you are. I wonder if you think about me. Yeah sure I needed that like a hole in the head lol lam. I wonder if I OJ care. I wonder if you still remember.

Love never ends
No matter what
You can pretend
You forgot
You can deny
That love always grows
You can kill brain cells
But your heart still knows
Love never ends
It’s always there
You can pretend
You don’t care
Diminish yourself
Accept wasted time
But your heart knows
It’s a lie and a crime
Crimes of the mind

Deny your heart
Become unkind
Become careless
Soon you will find
Life becomes rote
Thoughtless and cold
Small and afraid
Broken and old
Buried so deep
In your hidden heart
Love is waiting
For you to start


Love never ends
Try to hide
Your heart still knows
Love is inside
Truth in the heart
Never pretends
Hearts always know
Love never ends.

And then... out of the blue... I wrote to Toronto after years of not and silence...

. . . LOL . . .

So I forgot my ID somewhere (hopefully in my bag at work) and I chose to monitor some workers fixing a hole (where the rain was getting in) so I did not get back to the building before it locked up for the night (new fangled electronic automatic locking doors dangit) so I could not get my laptops (which I take to work because I am currently living in the ghetto (and Elvis is nowhere to be found) so I carry my laptops everywhere I go and I still felt like writing so I decided to attempt typing more than a few words on the tiny keyboard that this iPhone 5 presents and I wrote two letters and rhymes to myself and decided to see who I as in my address book and lo and behold there you where and so here we are. That sentence could have been a lot longer in case you forgot. Yeah yeah yeah.

So shall I chide you for neglecting the myriad of blogs you convinced me to create foa you and me and posterity? Posterity cries and sends heap big guilt trips. I will do not such thing since I know just seeing my name has you cringing (even if it was ever so slightly) before even opening the email and now you should be laughing at the irritation that almost surprise you. Some things never change. Like the guy with the ego who thinks it knows everything typing these words as cocky as ever, no doubt.

So do you wanna catch up or what?


PS... Hope smiles outweigh frowns and health overcomes ills and age. May love still compound and words demand to fill a page. Let grammar be damned, restrictions be gone. So the never ending story can carry on.

Narf 🙄😝😂🙂😇

Then, thinking about the term BFF that Jackson used so often to describe me and us, I wrote this to myself...
. . . BFF . . .

That’s me. Yup. I am my BFF. Who else can I count on as much as me, after all. So here I am writing to myself again because, well, just because. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. No one can do anything o me unl SS I give them the power to affect me or have an effect on my affect for that matter. No one can Hurt me unless I give them the power by making them that important to me that. Their actions or opinions effect my affect. No one can betray me unless I trust them enough to depend on them. No one can abandon me unless I choose to adopt them as family and want them to stay close in life. No one can alter my choices or behaviors unless I choose to empower them. Simple as that.

So here I am writing to myself again because this is where I began, alone, explaining the experience we call life to myself. Words help d me figure out why love attracted me so and why live hurt so much. Words helped me understand that I want to love for live no matte what. Love is my purpose in this life. Believing in love. Trusting love. Living love. Being love. Being in love with love.

So I believe in love and once again it’s all I’ve got. Elton”s Made In England plays in my head even as America sings Horse With No Name on the iHeartRadio on the iPhone.

The screen keeps changing to vertical and that makes it even more impossible to type cuz it is so small or my thumbs are so big whichever whatever it seemed much more comfortable to type on my left side than it is on my right. Why did it stay horizontal then and not now. And locking the rotation seems to lock it in vertical. Dang imperfect technology. As The Who song Won”t Get Fooled Again. Sheesh. In the other hand this Moody Blues station with a little help from my thumbs (ups) is rocking just right tonight.

I keep getting fooled
By my belief in love
I adopt family
But they don’t adopt me
I share everything
Give myself away
All in the hope
That someone will stay
Here nobody does
They all go away
And still I keep giving
That’s just how I play
That is just my way
And whether I’m right
Or whether I’m wrong
I’ve got to be me
That’s where I belong
I’m happiest when
I’m giving my all
Even if it leads to
Another long fall

I found out that giving
Is my reason for living
My happy jest day
Is a day
I give everything away

The only thing that makes me happier
Is sharing everything
With someone who shares everything with me

Unconditional love
Unconditional trust

And until I find someone who will be my family
I am by myself my own BFF
Rhyme the end

Sleep now and dream zzzzzzzz

Then, finally, I wrote this to Jackson... approaching 4am, wide awake...

. . . Because . . .

I am really a simple child with a simple dream. I became a complicated man because things did not go according to plan (probably because there never was a plan which is also why I am what I am and where I am and so on and so forth and scooby doobie do dah day oh day ay ay ay oh and still I want to go home) using word to explain things to myself while simultaneously sharing the words with others (in my public blogs that keep my dream of finding the one alive in some lost forgotten hopelessly hopeful way) and I write to people who care (or who once cared) about me when I want inspiration and proof that I still beli e in and actualize love unconditionally that has no end so here I am using you to perpetuate that delusion of a dream with self-mockery and humility and just a touch of good old fashioned insanity cuz life is so being trying to be normal and all that conformity if I OJ know what I mean (and someday my princess will come and she will) 😁👏😇

Because the so me is round it turns me on. 🙂

So I left my laptops at work cuz I misplaced my ID and the doors locked automatically before I got back because I stayed out to monitor a crew of workers fixing a hole in my the street that I had to force them to fix by calling he president of the Utility company and also getting a couple of my County departments to Call and pressure them as well. I’ll be citizens who called me are very happy. I love my job 😁

Unfortunately I felt lost without my laptops wh n I go home. I somehow did no eat or just lay down but instead did a load of laundry dry and turned on iHeartRadio on my his old iPhone 5 and have been enjoying music all night and unpacked finally all the hurricane packing I did and then starting typing on this tiny keyboard and here we are four letter already sent and you are the lucky fifth even though you don’t know what to do when I send you a babbling t mind dump like this lol (and hopefully you are laughing with me). 🙄😂😁😇

You should understand
The loneliness I feel
How much you want someone
To love you is so real
How much you do not want to be alone
I am just like you but I am on my own

You should understand
The emptiness I feel
When I am not in love
The longing is too real
How much I want someone to love me
I am just like you except I’m free

All I ever wanted was to fall in love
With someone who fell in love with me
All I ever wanted was to share everything
With someone who would share it all with me

But even when I found someone
All they did was take
Until I had nothing left
But my heart to break
I don’t understand why I
Have failed to find my love
When in this life it is the only
Dream I’m dreaming of

I don’t want to start feeling sorry for myself
I just want to share my life with someone else

Don’t you know someone
Who feels like we do
Who believes in love
Who has a heart that’s true
Who will not be cruel
Who can share everything
Who can understand
This song I sing?
Who can understand
This song I sing

All I ever wanted was to fall in love
With someone who fell in love with me
All I ever get wanted was to share everything
With someone who could share everything with me

La la la 🙂

Sigh. So I write the longing for love in the middle of the night. Like the carpenters. Need To Be In Love is my hearts theme song. Ever hear it? I wonder. In all the years you e known me. Did you know? Honesty by Billy Joel is my minds theme song. imagine by John Lennon is my life theme song. Someone who shares those three without compromise is so very hard to find. But compromise changes the song and it is not mine. To dream the impossible dream...

I really did do it my way. I had to be me. There are three more theme songs of this life as I know it in those last three sentences. Did you know? And the. There come The Moody.Blues.

Some may read sadness and pity the foolish heart and impossible dreamer I am. But I find hole in the songs that are the soundtrack of this life as I’ve know. It. I don’t want it to end u til I find her but I am running out of time. I know she’s out there somewhere. Moody Blues to the rescue Saved By The Music... saved by the song that I sing. 😇

I am hoping your silence this week is not because I caused a problem the night I accidentally Car called and you. I don’t know if this is going to make your phone sound either and now that I thought of that I’m gonna stop writing because I don’t want to upset you or Tina just because I trust you and believe you understand my heart and I feel like expressing myself and writing this to you helps me feel less alone cuz maybe someone understands.

Maybe I’m wrong. Thank you Moody Blues once again. I am wide awake at 4am without a soul in sight but still hanging on the hope that I’m alright. Carpenters sing my theme song and I feel the hope and comfort and smile as I close me eyes and welcome my fondest dream.

Fifth letter tonight. Sleep soon I hope it really is 4am. Lol. I’ll send this in the morning if I remember. Thank you for being you and inspiring me to trust your heart to listen to mine. 😊😇 Nite.

And that was the night on the phone with myself...

Monday, October 9, 2017

What In The World?

I've been trying to return to daily blogging since mid-August and every restart seems to be misfiring for one reason or another. I wonder if I'll ever find people who actually understand me in this life. So today I find misunderstanding on the softball fields. A power tripping control freak umpire lost his cool when I called him out for delaying the game and distracting players loud enough for others to hear. He ignored the first dozen times I ask him quietly. I just asked him to do his job, the job we pay him to do.

So the story goes something like this... we'll call him Joe.

As Joe the umpire was berating me rather unprofessionally and loudly as I was on the pitcher's mound asking if I could pitch, I wondered what in the world is going on and what did I do to deserve the berating. I simply asked him and the other umpire to stop delaying the game, do their jobs, and let us play. I said please.

After every third out, Joe walks over to the other umpire to chat so the team taking the field and batter has to wait until he is done chatting before the game can resume. While on the field, he will distract players with conversation as the game is going on. I asked them both to stop delaying the game and let us play, reminding them that if the players are not concentrating they could get hurt.

Sometime in the middle of the second game Joe got stupid. I lead off and I am standing in the batters box asking the umpire behind the play why the pitcher is not pitching. He says points to Joe who is off the field on his phone. As I am talking to to the umpire behind the plate, facing him, the pitcher pitches and he calls a strike because I am standing in the batters box. I flip my bat and say why not just throw me out of the game?

At the start of the next inning Joe is once again behind the plate talking to the home plate umpire and I finally called him out loudly for all to hear asking the same question I'd been asking them quietly for two games. Please stop the clock for an officials time out or let us play the game we paid to play.

Joe returned to where he was supposed to be on the field and the umpire behind the plate asked me if I was ready to pitch. I laughed and said are you serious, I've been waiting for you guys and I've been ready since I stepped on the mound a few minutes ago. I'd just like Joe to let us play and stop delaying the game.

Joe apparently did not like being called out. As I am about to pitch, Joe called time out and walked toward me and loudly apologized for being on the phone while I was in the batters box and then said, "I will give your team an out if you say one more word that pisses me off." I said please don't make this personal and you being pissed off is not grounds to penalize the team, so can we play now?

He walked away and the umpire behind the plate ask me again if I was ready to pitch. I said is Joe's time out over? Everyone laughed, including the umpire behind the plate (who is a friend I see outside of softball) and I pitched. No one said time in or play ball, but who cared at that point.

Joe's power trip was not over and he made a few obviously bad calls at second base just to try to provoke me. By this time I was more concerned with how he was pissing off my team so I said another bad call, don't let it spoil the fun of the game to my players, which pissed him off even more, but he knew it was not grounds to follow through on his threat. I could see he was seething that both teams were having a good time and forgetting he was even there. The little man became almost invisible on the field.

After the game I told him he unprofessional and reminded him that his being pissed off is not in the rule book as any violation. Doing his job, on the other hand, was clearly detailed in the umpires manual and I'd appreciate it if he would do better next time since we pay him to do it right. He heard some players chuckling and had no reply. I'll speak to the head umpire the next time I see him and see what has to say.

I seem to be upsetting people with my candor lately more than usual.

Narf :)

Sunday, October 1, 2017

When Repetition is More Than Flattery

Yeah, so it goes along that repetition is the sincerest form of flattery (though I think it was more mimicry that was being referred to in that phrase, I mean, if you ask me, but be that as it may or may not be), but sometimes repetition is much more. Sometimes it is exercise, driving home a lesson for the mind as much as reps drive the muscles into a frenzied state of disarray that forces them to rebuild or die and in rebuilding, become stronger and more reliable. Consistency of action and personality makes people stronger and more reliable. That is why I am here. That is why I repeat myself. That is why I continue to write the same subjects over and over, again and again trying to find the words that express it better, that express me better. I may never find the perfect words that share exactly who I am, but I hope I never stop trying because the day I stop trying is the day I die.

I kept it hid once and it taught me that death is better than doing it again. I do not want to die. But sometimes life just seems so challenging and thank goodness something like this comes out...

Sometimes I feel oh... yes, sometimes I feel like I've been tied to a whipping post. So much betrayal, so much abandonment, so much fear in this life. Even those with the purest hearts and best of intentions will sometimes want to squash me, suppress me, silence me when all I want to do in this life is sing out loud and proud and free and open and honest about all I feel and think and do and am. I am so sad to think that sharing honest love and unconditional trust can feel like pain to anyone. For me, holding back, hiding, letting time go by not giving the dream my all is like dying.

And I wailed in the night to anyone who cared...

let me be who I am...

and please please please let me love again.

Sadly, I must accept that many are gone (so many more in their own private gardens that have not breathed in my ear in decades) and even sadder, some who are not gone would rather be gone and forgotten. I am so very sorry it hurts to be here with me and I shall do my best to be as obscure as I can be - but love is the opening door... I'll leave you out of it as challenging as that may be when I just want to shout from rooftops

thank you for being, for caring, for inspiring me to believe in love and continue nurturing what little hope I have left that my dreams really can come true in this life.


I am trying to understand, trying so hard to resist my nature, to understand the fears, and hoping my maze obscures my defiance enough to amuse or console enough so I can continue living my dream of sharing everything with respect for privacy. If this is a baffling entry, then I may have succeeded. My hope is you are amused at the lengths I will take to compromise even as it may drive us to madness (gleefully, I hope).

I still find, to my delight and chagrin, that I cannot, dare not, will not leave the dream behind. Even if it is all just an illusion.

But nobody heard... . . and that is the real.


For in the rambling words and musical accompaniments (click and listen and hear the words if you really want to begin to scratch the surface of knowing me at my core... and then continue reading and listening and ask for more) I find myself and peace and security and all I could ever be. Sleep does not come, rest doesn't exist when I am holding back in any way.

I hope you understand, everyone.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Deeper Than Details

Is that a challenge in the title or are you just glad to see me? Smirk,was that just a smirk? Wow, it's been a while, huh? A while between babbling entries, a while between smirks, even. There are so many missing entries, people, amazing moments. Each could have been a contender, really, if you know what I mean. I mean, have your eyes really seen? There are so many closed doors in this world, why add to their number?

Life goes on, with us or without us.

I was a much younger child when all this started. I learned about love before I could actually understand it. Feelings, touching, holding, hugs. Sensual and sexual, the books would call me a promiscuous child because books like their labels and our culture is so very afraid of sexuality. We fight so hard to stay alive, to stay in these bodies, yet we are so afraid to experience all thee bodies can feel. That was the first puzzle this life presented to me and it still has no real solution because fear still dominates everyone I see. Where are the ones without fear, the ones I do not see?

I know you're out there somewhere.

After puberty, which came earlier than the books and people wanted it to, I fell in bed at parties and bonded the way we are all told we are supposed to. Mostly with clothes on at first in a room full of other couples with clothes on. That may have been the cultural norm of the times or perhaps that is just the way teenagers explore, in the safety of peers, but I only know my teenage experience that intimately. What's yours?

When I fell in love for the first time, it was the beginning and the end of the world. I have never wanted anyone as much as I wanted that first love. Obstacles stood in our way, an existing long term relationship, that first experimental one, and a best friend who wanted me and who was more eager to show it. It is challenging to resist someone who wants to make you her whole world. I should have, but I didn't. Two weeks later, the one I wanted, her best friend, confessed her love and many months of confused duality ensued. It ended badly, as all secrets between best friends usually do, and the break in my heart never fully healed.

It seems so sad to say that was the most blissful time my heart ever knew. How much ego played a role in my decisions to accept multiple partners who did not want the other to know and how much was genuinely not wanting to break a heart is not easy to say. I do not deny ego played a role, but the depression and self-destruction that followed the break-ups seem to demonstrate how much heart dominated my decisions. I denied myself the chance to truly love again for decades after that. Maybe forever.

I turned away from the flesh for the true love I had always dreamed of and turned to words. Not that the flesh was denied, but the heart was not ever as fully engaged as it was that first time. Much to the chagrin of post-first life partners, I chose to not hide my feelings of longing for that first love even as relationships bloomed as much as they could without a complete falling in love on my part. I made the decision never to hide my feelings again, a lesson learned too late, but a lesson that has brought me peace, comfort, security, and happiness throughout this life.

I wonder how many of you reading this can understand what I mean.

The written word became my written gardens into which all of my hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings were poured. I found that I could see rainbows through my tears by putting everything into words and seeking the happiest resolutions through understanding and compassion and what I came to call honest love. Love felt and expressed without any hesitation or doubt or fear. Beyond unconditional, which can be more subconscious than conscious (hence, the falling in love experience, honest love is simultaneously unconditional and conscious. It is the only way I know how to love and the only love I accept as love. Even if that means I remain alone.

Infants instinctively offer unconditional love with unconditional trust probably because as an infant, we do not consciously make choices about hiding feelings or holding back trust. We quickly learn to put up walls and doors in part for self-protection, but even more because we are taught to fear and the rules of fear very early on in life. People do not even consciously acknowledge most fears and many deny them cloaking them in rules of religious or other socially accepted normalities, conformities, and formalities. For a cursory example, perhaps you would rather I had used the words normality, conformity, and formality. Let's just call them NCF for now.

I made a conscious decision to rebel against as many of those NCFs as I could get away with from as early on in this life as I can recall and I still do, though with so many layers f compromise and modifications I sometimes wonder who I am. I know I'm inside, somewhere, sometimes buried under a reluctance acceptance, a mask that allows me to maintain an income and interact with others, but there are moments I wonder if I completely lost myself in the interactions virtually required for survival in this modern culture.

The words are my sanctuary. And music. Yet even here, I forget myself too often.

I may continue this thought...

In any case, the words found their way online and the presentation and paths have changed due to web servers going out of business and my own learning of web presentation (I still have very limited knowledge mostly for the same reason I am not published beyond my own uploads, I would rather be writing than editing). I never met the collaborator of my dreams along the way, at least not so far.

This entry has no clear conclusion for the moment, much like some of the previous thought-threads woven within it. Perhaps one point I am making is the reason I continue putting words out here online is there is still hope for the true love dream, for sharing the unconditional love and trust completely once more... there is still hope for falling in love again.

You'll have to go a whole lot deeper than details with me and within yourself to find out more, no less to inspire such a fall, but there is the open door.

if you want to know me...

listen and learn

Thursday, September 28, 2017

To Be Whatever

To be whatever... continued, even... yes, seriously...

Sleep calls, but before I lay down I wanted to share another burst of written gardens excitement as the introductory letters and sort of personals blog that some of my ramblings to you sometimes find their way into (as opposed to this letters blog which is more like excerpts from letters to friends where more of my ramblings to you might be stored) has spawned another new garden of introductory letters and more, actual correspondences (with back and forth action), as I joined a pen pal website and after taking a hard shot across the bow that nearly shut me down, I have engaged two new people and let myself believe I might correspond with new people and start introducing myself all over again which has always helped redefine me and clarify me and give me a better attitude and perspective and hopefulness about myself, people, and everything again... see what you started? lol :)

Life goes on...

Narf :)

Monday, September 4, 2017

Fan Fiction, Maybe

Ok, except for an occasional babbling madness, life has mostly been about fantasy football, watching internet TV, and eating (the best buffet last night, again) recently (two weeks without softball and I've a vegetable... foolish games, no doubt). I was listening to music last night after getting home from playing with friends and then, I found my way to youtube because I wanted to listen to some music and The Waterboys entertained me for a while and then I found Emma Blackery and listed to her for a while. I like listening to her ramble on in the background sometimes.

Which lead to this next thought.

If I went to London, I wonder which neighborhoods I would want to visit and which I would want to avoid. Like is there a measurement of advice? I mean some people will have good reasons to visit or not visit pretty much every neighborhood because everybody has different perceptions and judgments and tastes and such, but it would be cools to have like a million people who know London well (and then another million non-Londoner who visit a lot) rating the different neighborhoods for visitability.

Anyway, listening to Emma for a little while lead me to Dodie and I want to like her music because I like Emma and Emma seems to like her but I wish she would fix the bad audio and first listen was disappointing because the articulation was poor (at least for my ears) which made the bad audio even worse. Inconsistent audio between different consecutive videos doesn't help either cuz nobody wants to keep having to adjust the volume to hear the video. That said, I still encourage her to ontinue and encourage you to visit and listen to the music she makes under her bed or on his too or even on a swing.

All my own personal audacity of rudeness and insensitivity aside, I admire anyone who produces anything on Youtube because it is way beyond my meager skills these days. I had more equipment and skills for audio visual in the seventies and eighties than I ever had since, which is sad since I my first audio system cost over $3000 in 1979 money and my first camera cost over $1000 in 1972 money. Yeah, I am that old. Yeah, I was that rich back then lol. Hey, not having to pay rent cuz parental units covered everything else helped a lot, but the equipment came out of my pocket (I was making more than $30 a week as a paperboy in 1967, so there, that's right, I was rich like that).

Just in case you suddenly stopped reading or want to stop reading because I am old to you, well, that thought makes you old to me in a much worse way than any number of years could make a person so go on your way if that's what you want to do. I hope you try to keep your mind open, that is how to not be old. All the agism in the world is wrong, by the way, but if you want to be wrong, well, that's your choice. I was old when I was three years old and got older as the years passed, but then I realized I don't have to be like everyone else and I have gotten a lot younger since then.

Speaking of talent (you ain't seen nothing yet cuz you haven't seen me... we'll find that line in a song one day, a few tdifferent songs in a few different ways come to mind already but there's another tangent we'll leave for another time), I sense Grace Vanderwaal has a lot of personal cultural baggage to overcome and certainly some professional hype as well, but I also sense she has amazing raw talent and could be a genuine entertainer if she blossoms just right.

Are we all just spoiled rich kids lucky to have the time and means?

Anyway, my second favorite youtuber just may be Emma Blackery who is not perfectly not Perfect (what?) and has been doing her own kind of self-exposure vloggery (vlogging, or video blogging, for you folk who do not know much about youtube or the internet, for that matter) for most of this present decade (how's that for timelessness?) and winner of an award last year for this song (Sucks To Be You) which seems influenced by Taylor Swift (her favorite music is made by Placebo {her obsession, we all need one, at least} and she mentioned Reliant K {I remember seeing them for the first time more than ten years ago on a side stage at Warped Tour, for a Christian band they aren't bad} as it was seriously popsonged up by producers in the released version and winner of another award this year for this song and she can be very meaningful (love that) but my favorite video song (video and song) she's made is still this one even if it's not perfect.

She really can really go the target="_blank">distance should make it big because she's enjoyable to watch and listen to naked (lol) on youtube (I mean without any production or makeup or any enhancements and as if she knew I was writing this, here ya go again) and with the right production she has the makings of a big pop star. I mean, she has a wikipedia page.

As usual, I did my part and left a comment of caring about the real person, the girl behind the production, cuz that is just what I do.

Watching you for all these years (I remember you before vloggery began), it is so great to see you get produced into a product that can sell to the mass audiences and I love you as a product, but I hope and trust you will you will not forget who you are and how genuinely real and vulnerable you can be even in the spotlight. That's where your real worth remains after all the production is done. Shine as bright as you can, you are a star. I applaud and cheer and hoot some too woo hoo!. I will always care about and admire the rest of who you are too. :)

She has a whole lot of pet peeves. Listenng to her roll through them got me to thinking of my pet peeves and I don't seem to find a whole lot of them in my mind that is not related to harm or dishonesty (which is a form of harm, so harm). Maybe some of it is cultural, I mean, I am not a huge fan of tea but love the taste of sweet creamy coffee and that's probably somewhat cultural. She's never had a burrito and likes pineapple on pizza. Cultural?

Unfortunately, she does not like chocolate mousse or ice cream, so the romance is over.

I still left Emma another comment...

Can complete exposure enhance or hinder the musical superstar you ought to be? Your life seems to be the answer to that question. Mystery helps some popular stars, but naked living (I mean honesty, not nudity, not that I am against nudity, which could develop into a multilayered tangent that we'll just ignore for now) because none of that is what I started was supposed to be about) is my favorite so I am rooting for you to become more famous than anyone else while still being as open and honest and real and accessible as you are vlogging. You are a celebrity life experiment, thanks for engaging and letting us watch.

Anyway, or in closing, or something like that, for me Emma represents a rare type of person who is addicted to sharing (who me?) and would be sharing even if nobody responded (what?... I don't know what you're talking abaot) and whether that stems from an insecurity or a nurturing of the human social hunger, I relate (kinda obvious, aye?).

Hope you enjoyed this fine break from the usual self-indulgent self-centered babble.

Narf :)

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Farther On

Which loosely connects in some distant universe to Father On and all it's possible permutations and connotations (yes, all) and that path may be a rabbit hole for some, but what about the rabbit, after all, in fact, this is nothing compered to you, but enough buts and silliness, let's get on with the real ridiculous show you have been conditioned to come here to find (or is that just me) as Patty Smyth sings Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough with Don Henley just to inject an infinite slice of the real world into the imaginary babble you may or not be reading because it may or may not be here in what quantum universe are you sitting, anyway?

it may be Toronto
but I don't really think so
or it could have been I let go
if they is even possible

it may have been the memories
of starting school with birds and bees
or maybe I'm just climbing trees
. . . what is beautiful? . . .

Then Dan Hill came on with Sometimes When We Touch and wow, just wow, cuz you had to be there and if you don't understand, you might, but if you think you understand, you probably never will and if you get that conundrum then why don't we talk about it? Shy, perhaps, dull... or shut down so deep you appear insensitive or developmentally delayed to those who are aware and alive in this life, but that's ok if that is what pleases you. You might get another life and who is to say that deadening the senses and bloating the body by indulging in emotional eating is wrong?

it may be the laundry
that is making me lonely
or I could have been the only
living boy in this town
life is longer than this song
or anything in our minds
for in the end life just goes on
and leaves us all behind

Still I sat down here to write today before those songs began (and just iterjecting here after uploading, if you think this is long, well it might get even longer because I sensed it isn't finished when I uploaded it and here's one even longer just cuz distraction can be so much fun) so maybe it was listening to music play all night that brought me here to write to you as it is was my plan or maybe it's just Saturday and I just want to write (need to write to be alright) and rather by chance, perhaps, the music dies (or at last the sound goes off as it does from time to time on this laptop) and I get up to change laundry cycles and decide to switch from the marathon 15 hour session of semi-random YouTube music (seemed mostly quiet 70s and 80s stuff that was good for sleeping to) and I decide to seek music on Hulu and I looked at concerts and had many to choose from and after a bit of wandering and pondering I opened Billy Joel's Last Play At Shea and it was truly, as Billy said, a shared holy shit.

Wow. Oh wow. memories.

You could read about it (Extra! Extra! Read All About It (amazing memories there that only a small group of a few million truly understand) or you could just watch it.

Whatever, the roller coaster of emotion that started this entry has been hijacked by the video Last Play At Shea, another concert I should have been at but I left New York because I was tired of the cold in so many ways and yet when life begins in New York City, it ends there too whether the body is there or not. There is no leaving New York City when life starts there. I am not sure anyone who is not born there or spent most of their formative years there can understand this, but it is true nonetheless. The connection to Long Island for those who spent much life there is equally inseparable from the person who started life there and for the few who did both, city and suburb, Billy Joel holds the candle that will always burn.

I'll meet you anytime you want at our Italian Restaurant

We are all just children growing at different paces... whatever kind of mood we're in, there are a few of us who will always be connected to the experience, to that New York state of mind. I've spent time in LA and San Francisco, having lived in Monterey. I've lived in Toronto and loved it there, but again, the tropical body will seek the tropical climate. I've lived in the tropics (or semi-tropics, at least), for the second half of this lifetime and this body could not be happier (except for the missing runner's high, but there is hope I may feel that again too).

11 minutes to Shea...

...and Paul McCartney shows up to close music at Shea Stadium, so fitting, so magical as The Beatles brought music to Shea Stadium the year after the stadium opened. We can only imagine this would have been the Beatles reunion concert every Beatles fan and most music lovers always dreamed of if John and George were still alive. They should have invited Ringo.

Let it be... perfect.

Hulu follows this epic film (hey you choose your epic and I'll choose mine... after all, I know nothing's perfect but I used that word too... as Billy said to close the concert before the encore with Paul, don't take any shit from anybody and you better believe that is the way of the true New Yorker and anyone from anywhere who understands self-respect and being alive in this crazy world - if only egos did not distort that understanding and add cruelty to the fire... still stupid, even if we didn't start it... but anyway... epic).

Then, as if Hulu had other ideas, on comes The U.S. vs. John Lennon shifts the mood to a much more serious truth about the sickness in this country and I'll let it play in the background as I try to find my way back to the original thought that might have blossomed if the start of this entry was not so epically sidetracked in this epic way. Not that this is an epic entry, after all. Just think, we can put a man in jail for ten years for two joints while we - as a people - dropped the destructive power of two and a half Hiroshima bombs on people ten thousand miles away, people who we never met and who posed no threat to us whatsoever. Paranoia destroys humanity. We have a President now that could be as equally paranoid and controlling.


stupid people are everywhere
looking for something to hate
lying about what some people say
pretending that's somehow great

Leaving behind the war and the wars and the hate and the stupidity (you know, there's room at the top they are telling us still, but first you must learn how to smile as you kill, and all that jazz) even as it seems to be (oh no) repeating itself today (but do we have a John Lennon today?) cuz like he said because society is run by insane people for insane objectives... if anybody can put on paper what our government and the American government etc and the Russian, China what they are actually trying to do and how what they think they are doing, I'd be very please to know what they think they're doing. I think they're all insane... but I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it.

I have thought that many times.

The thing the sixties did was show is the possibility and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn't the answer, it just gave us the glimpse of the possibility. ~ John Lennon

Some are still back there, stuck fighting the wars, the same old wars for power and resources that humans have been fighting to control since people have existed. It is natural for any living being without the awareness of how self-destructive and ultimately futile it is if the goal of life is to live, no less to enjoy the time alive. You say you want a revolution? Well, you've been told many times before... The Who? lol how many got that one?). I sometimes forget that I have moved on, farther on. I forget because I want to share and that takes another person and getting close to other people means slipping into the collective consciousness of the times which is quite depressingly negative and self-destructive. Inside, however, I moved on from the current human condition in early childhood and that is why close intimate relationships do not last. I do not want to be superior, but peace is superior and I am at peace inside. I do not want to be better than anything, but love is better than anyone or anything and I am love inside. You can be too, you just have to do it, live it, be it.

Love is living love.

All we are saying is give peace a chance.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Even Longer

Even longer silence than in the brief daily where I wrote something like this (with much elaboration, extension, side saddling asides, parenthetic meanderings, and whatever, though perhaps not as much as this, in case it matters).


(Include the following reminder in my blogs from time to time)


Anyone mentioned in my rambling blogs (or anywhere in my online writings) who wishes more privacy that the writing provides (I do change names and withhold some details), please let me know.

If you don't let me know, I will not restrict my babbling any more than I do for anyone because any restriction is sharing less than everything and my ultimate goal in life is to share everything (and actualize being aware of being part of everything).

Only my caring about you and your wanting me to share less will keep me from sharing everything. I am fine with any restriction on my public postings you want - if that is what you want.

I just need to know what you want to be able to give that to you.

(Make sense?)

Hope so. :)

So ok then. Yes, Ok, then.

For the record (even though I do not play the record {or write or sing or compose or record it much} though it does remain available for the time it will be recorded), was likely the title of another entry in this blog and even more likely the title of many entries in many blogs and diaries and journals over the years and definitely was the start of many a writing session and similar to alright or alrighty or alright, then or even alrighty, then it opens the door to let's get serious or at the very least seriously or seriously, now, which is usually a step up (or a set up, depending on perspective... and yes, everything is perspective {or perspective is everything, which is another philosophical superlative we can explore some other time}, but before this turns into something like that, let's figure out what I came here to write and write it, right?)

Cuz I really truly seriously won't give up on you, in case it matters, m'ok? :)

The facts is that the facts continue to include the reality that time keeps on slipping slipping slipping (repeated as necessary, even as nauseam, ad too, even) and we (all and us, us being everyone who ever did or will read this and the specific people who shared moments of this life somewhere along the way and especially the few who came close enough to create permanent bonds {as opposed to bondage}, which gives the drifting away a sense of exponentially greater distance and time and the more keep drifting farther apart it seems), or closer together in some sticky connection of wishes, wannas, and perhaps some guilt and shame for those who indulge in those drugs, again, depending on perspective.

I did mention that so much depends on perspective, after all. In fact, probably everything (depends on perspective), but then, as I also mentioned somewhere, if not here, superlatives are such potential trouble we should leave them for lovers and the mad among us.

So seriously, where did the time go?

Let's calendarize it, if we can...

Tuesday went to work and softball. Yay softball (most of the time). It was the usual pleasant work experience including a couple of productive meetings and improved connections with the powers that be in the county as I venture further into a few projects the other end of the third floor (where the County Manager and her minions and the County Commission hold court in their very comfortable and personalized offices... mine is a small sterile box within a box shared by a file area and a break area for others and storage, alas, but that is so much like life for me that it is comfortable, mostly, as I am so randomly attached and irrelevantly irreverent (or irrevalent, even) about the material world except when some thing connects with some one who matters to me, but that's a just one ore difference between me and most everyone else that provides yet one ore challenge to fit into the cultural milieu).

Then, continuing Tuesday, there was frustrating softball (so rare in recent seasons as I awaken) as a team with excellent place hitters deliberately hit line drives at my head (caught one for an out, ducked under one I should have caught {which increased my frustration}, and knocked down the third for an out when I picked it up and threw to first base). The first hitter apologized, which is good sportsmanship and protocol. The second said nothing because it was purposeful to try to rattle me. The third, after I protested to the umpire, taunted me from the dugout (I stopped the ball and threw to first or the out. Sigh, why wasn't that enough.

What upset me personally is these people were supposed to be friends (I hugged a couple before the game and see them at the fields very often and played with a few on other teams) and it turns out that they wanted to win the championship so badly they didn't care if they hurt me in the process. What frustrated me most was that I gave them what they wanted, I let them get to me and changed my pitching style to protect myself rather than get more aggressive and competitive the way I used to. I can hit where I want to most of the time and can hurt a pitcher if I want to, but I am happy I didn't - now.

During and after the game I was very frustrated that I changed my pitching style to make it easier for them, which is what they wanted and affected by hitting at my head. I was also frustrated with the umpires that they did not caution the team after the first, second, or third ball hit right at my head (usually there is a caution after the first time a ball is hit directly at a pitcher - not an accusatory warning, but a caution to control their hitting if they can - and this team could). Usually, the second ball hit right at a pitcher is a warning and automatic out and the third is an automatic out and ejection and sometimes, in tournaments, a disqualification and loss for the aggressive team.

Anyway, life goes on and I will not be hugging those players again and they know exactly why.

Wednesday went to work and dinner and Jackson, the usual pleasant work with another productive meeting and I so love this job and hope it lasts as long as I can keep working and need income. Then a delicious dinner and as usual, some wonderfully frustrating and rewarding moments with Jackson and this time with more hope and eye contact than usual. Maybe I am finally getting through to her. Or maybe I am just buying her attention once again as I paid for some overdue charges and late fees (for the first time in almost a year, so I have drawn boundary lines and she did not ask and was opposed, but I took charge for a change and did not allow her to say no).

Hopefully she will learn and not fall back into her bad financial habits. Much (much much) more importantly (because money is so meaningless and relative in matters of honest love and trust - even though it destroys most relationships relationships because people live in the illusion that money matters so much more than it does in this delusional unenlightened culture), I hope she and Brandi work through the obstacles that money becomes for them and decide on whether a bank account or financial skills matters more than each other and the love they supposedly share. It is so sadly conditional now, I do not understand why it is not clear that conditional love is wrong. It so rarely ends well.

I really do not understand people and their materialism.

Continuing with this week, Thursday went to work and fun and, well, I'm not sure. Work was a full day training in Traffic Control (MOT Intermediate Training), which was great information for my for my job and beneficial for my relationships with the few dozen county workers in the training with me. After class, which ended 2:30 pm, I pondered what to do and I decided I would eat at the Chinese buffet because my will power waned and blah blah blah whatever other stupid excuses I used to ignore the health and comfort I give up by maintaining the weight and especially with the current infection at the end of my digestive tract that does not seem to be responding to the usually array of treatments I use (recommended by doctors too... I have a Doctor appointment for next Thursday morning and tests scheduled for tomorrow and Monday so I am not neglecting the body, just not doing everything I possibly can to try to fix it - mostly because I do not know if the sacrifices of comfort food would fix it for sure or if the added stress and negative aspects of giving up comfort foods completely would contribute to further ailments).

So anyway, I had some time to wait before the dinner buffet started and I did not want the lunch buffet so I called Harpo and a long conversation with Harpo occupied at least an hour while waiting for the dinner time to start and then I drove to the buffet and it started pouring so I sat in the car waiting for the torrential rain to subside for almost an hour and by then it was almost 6 pm. Dinner was not as good as it is some nights at this usually very good buffet, but still very enjoyable. Alone, as usual. The semi-bloat was acceptable, even if it was not ideal for the digestive issues, and then comes the hmmmm (the ncertain memory time) some writing to J and TV and sleep, perhaps... hmmmm... not bad hmmmm, just some the cloud of hmmmm that comes when memory fogs, usually because sleep comes early... I think I may have spoken to Jackson, or at least texted, and I am not so sure I was as confident that she would not fall back into her same old pattern of self-destructing money mismanagement again. Sigh.

Horse, water, drink... it's all up to the horse.

Than came Friday. Friday went to work and medical appointments for me and banking for Jackson and then dinner at home and TV and impulsive snacks a movie and sleep. I messed up the medical stuff by forgetting an appointment I had and the tests I had to do coming up to the appointment. The doctors send paper reminders and I don't get to the PO Box daily and usually just let paper mail go from my hands to a pile where it sits for weeks or months or ears (there is unopened mail in storage in new York state from the 80s, no doubt, though lately I am much better at throwing out paper mail after some modicum of time).

So anyway (a whole lot of that in this one, isn't there?), I made calls and rescheduled and luckily talked my way into appointments within the same week (pretty special accomplishment considering the doctor is a specialist, a Hematologist at a Cancer Center... that's where his office is and I am seeing him for Anemia and he assured me he sees no sign of cancer in any of my previous test results and this is a to-month follow up visit after my two-day stay at the hospital for a single bout of heat exhaustion that shut down my kidneys and they do take complete renal failure seriously cuz it leads to imminent death or dialysis, but my kidneys restarted immediately after IV fluids started so my bad, just a false alarm for my deteriorating kidneys and I remind myself to take the Florida heat even more seriously again than I already do from now on).

Yeah, so anyway... I closed an account for Jackson which relieved a whole pile of stress she's been dragging around for more than a year - same old habits, alas. She does not seem to want to understand the simple fact that responding to a spark is so way much easier and safer and less grief and less stress and less self-abuse than letting that spark start a fire that burns (in her finances and in her mind and in her gut, physically) for as long as she tries to ignore and avoid thinking about it or taking action to put it out.

Taking action to immediately extinguish a spark or small fire is so much easier than dealing with the inferno that can result in ignoring the first flames.

Friday night and Saturday softball is on hold until next season, so last night and this morning and afternoon was and is lonelier and more or less whatever than usual (and Eb had a dinner guest he did not tell me about last night which cramped my activity a bit and reminded me I do not actually live here but I simply rent a room and this room is my only space for any modicum of freedom or comfort). I did not know the nature of the dinner guest (personal, professional, romantic, friendly, political) and I did not want to dress to walk past them to the bathroom or shower (nd I sure did not want to stink up the place and it is so small and the intake for the air conditioner is right above the bathroom door so poop does stink up the place) and there is no way out of this room except right into the big space which is living room, eating, and kitchen are) and besides all those considerations, I had nowhere I wanted to go outside).

And that brings us to this morning.

All caught up and nowhere to go. I slept well. Today is anything I want it to be and I want it to be quite, restful, and peaceful and so it is so far. The thermostat that was set for 78 degrees yesterday evening (dinner guest temperature I suppose) was back to 83 when I woke so it was once again hot and sticky. After the first few months saving hard, the last few months of casual frivolous and sometimes extravagant spending as not helped bolster the savings account to the point of making it easy for me to find a place to live that will not require extreme changes in my pleasure activities, so I dwell here because it is convenient for work and $550 a month. It should be $350 or less, but that's another story.

Note to self... take the financial aspect of moving into more comfortable space more seriously. Please.

Yeah, so... Later I go to Helen to help her set up new security cameras for her house and then dinner. Not so much later anymore as it is well into the afternoon and I have about enough time to wake the body up, clean up a bit, shower and drive to her house to be there at the time we set, 4 pm.

So (so, so so... like is so so these days... lol at the fun of language), what's up in your world? I know I ramble on too much here for you to respond. I know you have many reasons for not responding. But I miss you and hey, here's a thought - let's catch up someday, m'ok?) :)

Just a reminder - If anyone mentioned in my babbles

PS... for those of us who sometimes forget and have to look it up, like me...

Eminent describes anyone who's famous. Imminent refers to something about to happen. Immanent (with an "a" in there) is inherent, like that good attitude you were born with.

So am I eminent for my immanent need for imminent learning? (sort of)


Narf :)

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Quote This

Someday we all will understand...

“Close friends are truly life's treasures. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there every day to guide and support us, to share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone.” ~~ Vincent van Gogh

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Saturday Continued

If you missed this, you should click here and if you missed this, you should click here and if you missed this, you should click here and maybe most of all, if you missed this, you should click here. Seriously, the fact is that these last four entries are must read if you are reading this blog this moment for this moment, those are the last four entries and those last four entries are as profound as it gets this week. Maybe even this month. Maybe even... seriously. I mean, just look atwhat happened in the brief daily moments ago...

This entry right here in this link thing is deemed too important not to mention again so I shall mention this entry right here in this link thing again and encourage, nay, urge you to click on the link thing and visit (or revisit) it because it is deemed too important not to mention again, or miss, ye too. Yes, but here we are already covering up that entry linked right here with this entry you are reading right now. Unless you clicked on one of the link things and are reading that entry right there in this link thing right now, in which case I'll wait for you to return.




Are you sufficiently inundated with profundity now? Perhaps you neglected to click on the links within that entry right here in this link thing that is deemed too important not to mention again because the links within that entry right here in this link thing are part of the journey too imporant not to mention again so go ahead, I'll wait.




Had enough yet?

Well, the fact is there are entries written this week in this blog that are keepers and if you miss them, well, you missed some important puzzle pieces. All brevity aside, it's been a revealing week for some reason and if you want to read more about it, the detailed blog has many unfinished entries waiting for you to read and learn and encourage finishing. I'll just leave these links right here.

Meanwhile, today was another fun Saturday of softball and dinner and conversation and madness. This right here is the brief daily entry you may have come here for.

Narf :)

And that wasn't even the end of it. See for yourself.

I did that just in case you don't read the brief daily entry and you wanted to see what you were missing. Everything after the Meanwhile above is a typical brief daily entry, in case it matters. Then, we come here for the dirt, drama, and details (and all that other stuff noted in the parenthetic subtitle above).

Well, there is an entry awaiting completion, in fact, there are four entries (in case you haven't heard) awaiting some form of completion or announcement or fanfare and especially your eyes and mind, but here we are already starting yet another... are we having fun yet?

I believe we left off heading out to softball. On the way o the field I stopped at a CVS for some gatorade and after ten minutes in line the cashier (who ranks with the slowest cashiers ever in the history of the world) made a mistake and had to call for the manager. After a few minutes of no manager, I put the two gatorades on the counter and said I could not wait. She said "sir, I'll be with you in a minute" in a perturbed voice. I said, "I have a game to get to and I don't have time to wait." I had fifteen minutes left to get to the field. With no convenience stores o the way, I stopped at a small Walmart and there the lines were long so I did without gatorade. I had lots of water.

The Saturday softball team played very poorly and gave away a game we should have won. The team that beat us went on to win the trophy in the championship game, 4-0. Inexperience and thick-headedness and ego got in our way. We lost to them 11-7. Two runs were earned runs and those were questionable. Too many errors to count and some really bonehead decisions at home plate by most of the batters. They just don't listen and the coach got so fed up he didn't even show up this season. The team is breaking up according to the guy coach left in charge (who broke his wrist in the first game) and they are looking to put together a new team and I told them I would pitch for them but I'd appreciate it if they would listen and learn and practice so they stop making the same fundamental mistakes like outfielders not hitting cut-offs and batters swinging at 3-1 counts and not listening to base coaches and watching the ball while running the bases and rushing plays as fielders and other fundamental mistakes that give up runs and make easy outs. He said they would. We shall see.

I watched the other playoff game and then watched the championship game. A girl fainted from the heat during the championship game (I've mentioned hot hot and dry those fields get... I drank 100 ounces of water in an hour and felt good) and I gave her a water and her friends called 911 and I knew some of the FF paramedics and the others introduced themselves to me. I apparently hold an important job in this county lol. The girl was able to walk to the stretcher but they took her to the hospital because her vitals were a bit off. Those fields are dangerously hot and dry.

As the last out of the championship game was caught the lightning siren went off (amazingly eerie timing) and rains came a few minutes later. I headed toward the place I was meeting Helen for dinner. On the way I got gas and ate a small salad because I had not eaten all day and dinner was an hour and a half away and was going to be all fried food at a fish fry place.

Bang bang Shrimp was delicious, though not very bang at all. Lobster roll was good if I forget what northern lobster rolls taste like and the crab cake was just ok. A small side of sweet potato fries and cole slaw and an extra side of onion petals. Those were very good. It is one of the best fish fry places around and unfortunately, not longer cheap. $38 bucks. What was that about cutting back on spending?

We sat and chatted outside the place (they have outdoor tables and the weather cooled after the rains) and then as the rains started returning we headed out. I wandered. I stopped at a local chicken place I wanted to try and got two pieces of chicken that I ate in a Burger King parking lot. Not bad, but I won't be back. I stopped at a KFC for four more pieces of chicken that I ate in a 7-11 parking lot. I stopped into the 7-11 for a case of water. Then, fully bloated, I headed back here.

I was startled when I walked in to this place because it was actually tidy. The couches were cleared. The dining room table was almost cleared. The kitchen counters were, well, I didn't look close. The floor was almost cleared. After praising Eb, who was sitting at his computer in his usual pose when he is not sitting in his old chair watching TV, I opened my bedroom door and stumbled over the vacuum cleaner that Eb left one foot into my room. He is a strange fellow. I moved the vacuum cleaner outside my door and will likely stumble over it when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I almost hope that wakes him. I wonder if he understands why.

So that was Saturday and here we are. Just like old times, the babbler is babbling, but now bored with the mundane details of the day and seeking distraction from the lack of companionship, meaningful conversation, intimate sharing, caring, and so on before it all leads to loneliness and lament and woe is me and all that jazz. I showered and I sit here nude with the fan blowing on me because the 81 degree thermostat (yes, he lowered it) was still warm for me after being out all day and taking a hot shower and eating so much food. After the time it took to write all this (and the brief entry too), I feel much cooler. Almost comfortable.

This is the first Saturday I am back here early. I look wide-eyed at the screen wondering what I am going to write next.

what did you think I would do at this moment...

hello it's me

maybe I think too much... maybe, maybe I'm wrong...

all I ever needed was the one
and honesty
such a lonely word

is anybody out there?

I feel so shallow
I feel so empty
I feel so lonely
I feel so much
no one to share it
I grin and bear it
friends once friends are now
so out of touch

I can be happy sitting here alone writing these words
I can amuse myself in so many different ways
I can give up on love and meaningful companionship
but is that the right thing to do?
what would you say if I asked you?

I can be content watching other people acting life
I can be amused with the way the music plays
I can give everything and be happy with the giving
but is that the right thing to do?
what would you say if I asked you?

There was a time when I was in love with someone else
There was a time when someone was in love with me
There was a time when happily ever after was not just in books on the shelf
But now I wonder what's reality?

There was a time I did not live alone
There was a time I was not on my own
There was a time I could pick up the phone
in the middle of the night
now that does not seem right

Now I don't live alone yet I've never felt so alone
I feel like I'm living in some sort of twilight zone
I never thought I'd live this long to be on my own
with still so much inside to share
with still so much wanting to care

is anybody out there
can anybody hear me call
does anybody care at all

Well there is the start of a rock opera for the ages about the human condition in these modern times. Charlie Chaplin would be proud. Dan Fogelberg and Patti Dahlstrom can speak for themselves. They are both pink with a touch of moody blues. Who? I'm free. What?

Harry Chapin Billy Joel Elton John and Bernie Taupin John Denver Led Zeppelin Melissa Etheridge and The Who Beatles Beegees Beach Boys Sedaka ad Manilow Duane and Eric Rolling Stones Moody Blues and Pink Floyd too. We didn't start the fire...

Narf :)