Saturday, August 19, 2017

Even Longer

Even longer silence than in the brief daily where I wrote something like this (with much elaboration, extension, side saddling asides, parenthetic meanderings, and whatever, though perhaps not as much as this, in case it matters).


(Include the following reminder in my blogs from time to time)


Anyone mentioned in my rambling blogs (or anywhere in my online writings) who wishes more privacy that the writing provides (I do change names and withhold some details), please let me know.

If you don't let me know, I will not restrict my babbling any more than I do for anyone because any restriction is sharing less than everything and my ultimate goal in life is to share everything (and actualize being aware of being part of everything).

Only my caring about you and your wanting me to share less will keep me from sharing everything. I am fine with any restriction on my public postings you want - if that is what you want.

I just need to know what you want to be able to give that to you.

(Make sense?)

Hope so. :)

So ok then. Yes, Ok, then.

For the record (even though I do not play the record {or write or sing or compose or record it much} though it does remain available for the time it will be recorded), was likely the title of another entry in this blog and even more likely the title of many entries in many blogs and diaries and journals over the years and definitely was the start of many a writing session and similar to alright or alrighty or alright, then or even alrighty, then it opens the door to let's get serious or at the very least seriously or seriously, now, which is usually a step up (or a set up, depending on perspective... and yes, everything is perspective {or perspective is everything, which is another philosophical superlative we can explore some other time}, but before this turns into something like that, let's figure out what I came here to write and write it, right?)

Cuz I really truly seriously won't give up on you, in case it matters, m'ok? :)

The facts is that the facts continue to include the reality that time keeps on slipping slipping slipping (repeated as necessary, even as nauseam, ad too, even) and we (all and us, us being everyone who ever did or will read this and the specific people who shared moments of this life somewhere along the way and especially the few who came close enough to create permanent bonds {as opposed to bondage}, which gives the drifting away a sense of exponentially greater distance and time and the more keep drifting farther apart it seems), or closer together in some sticky connection of wishes, wannas, and perhaps some guilt and shame for those who indulge in those drugs, again, depending on perspective.

I did mention that so much depends on perspective, after all. In fact, probably everything (depends on perspective), but then, as I also mentioned somewhere, if not here, superlatives are such potential trouble we should leave them for lovers and the mad among us.

So seriously, where did the time go?

Let's calendarize it, if we can...

Tuesday went to work and softball. Yay softball (most of the time). It was the usual pleasant work experience including a couple of productive meetings and improved connections with the powers that be in the county as I venture further into a few projects the other end of the third floor (where the County Manager and her minions and the County Commission hold court in their very comfortable and personalized offices... mine is a small sterile box within a box shared by a file area and a break area for others and storage, alas, but that is so much like life for me that it is comfortable, mostly, as I am so randomly attached and irrelevantly irreverent (or irrevalent, even) about the material world except when some thing connects with some one who matters to me, but that's a just one ore difference between me and most everyone else that provides yet one ore challenge to fit into the cultural milieu).

Then, continuing Tuesday, there was frustrating softball (so rare in recent seasons as I awaken) as a team with excellent place hitters deliberately hit line drives at my head (caught one for an out, ducked under one I should have caught {which increased my frustration}, and knocked down the third for an out when I picked it up and threw to first base). The first hitter apologized, which is god sportsmanship and protocol. The second said nothing because it was purposeful to try to rattle me. The third, after I protested to the umpire, taunted me from the dugout (I stopped the ball and threw to first or the out. Sigh, why wasn't that enough.

What upset me personally is these people were supposed to be friends (I hugged a couple before the game and see them at the fields very often and played with a few on other teams) and it turns out that they wanted to win the championship so badly they didn't care if they hurt me in the process. What frustrated me most was that I gave them what they wanted, I let them get to me and changed my pitching style to protect myself rather than get more aggressive and competitive the way I used to. I can hit where I want to most of the time and can hurt a pitcher if I want to, but I am happy I didn't - now.

During and after the game I was very frustrated that I changed my pitching style to make it easier for them, which is what they wanted and affected by hitting at my head. I was also frustrated with the umpires that they did not caution the team after the first, second, or third ball hit right at my head (usually there is a caution after the first time a ball is hit directly at a pitcher - not an accusatory warning, but a caution to control their hitting if they can - and this team could). Usually, the second ball hit right at a pitcher is a warning and automatic out and the third is an automatic out and ejection and sometimes, in tournaments, a disqualification and loss for the aggressive team.

Anyway, life goes on and I will not be hugging those players again and they know exactly why.

Wednesday went to work and dinner and Jackson, the usual pleasant work with another productive meeting and I so love this job and hope it lasts as long as I can keep working and need income. Then a delicious dinner and as usual, some wonderfully frustrating and rewarding moments with Jackson and this time with more hope and eye contact than usual. Maybe I am finally getting through to her. Or maybe I am just buying her attention once again as I paid for some overdue charges and late fees (for the first time in almost a year, so I have drawn boundary lines and she did not ask and was opposed, but I took charge for a change and did not allow her to say no).

Hopefully she will learn and not fall back into her bad financial habits. Much (much much) more importantly (because money is so meaningless and relative in matters of honest love and trust - even though it destroys most relationships relationships because people live in the illusion that money matters so much more than it does in this delusional unenlightened culture), I hope she and Brandi work through the obstacles that money becomes for them and decide on whether a bank account or financial skills matters more than each other and the love they supposedly share. It is so sadly conditional now, I do not understand why it is not clear that conditional love is wrong. It so rarely ends well.

I really do not understand people and their materialism.

Continuing with this week, Thursday went to work and fun and, well, I'm not sure. Work was a full day training in Traffic Control (MOT Intermediate Training), which was great information for my for my job and beneficial for my relationships with the few dozen county workers in the training with me. After class, which ended 2:30 pm, I pondered what to do and I decided I would eat at the Chinese buffet because my will power waned and blah blah blah whatever other stupid excuses I used to ignore the health and comfort I give up by maintaining the weight and especially with the current infection at the end of my digestive tract that does not seem to be responding to the usually array of treatments I use (recommended by doctors too... I have a Doctor appointment for next Thursday morning and tests scheduled for tomorrow and Monday so I am not neglecting the body, just not doing everything I possibly can to try to fix it - mostly because I do not know if the sacrifices of comfort food would fix it for sure or if the added stress and negative aspects of giving up comfort foods completely would contribute to further ailments).

So anyway, I had some time to wait before the dinner buffet started and I did not want the lunch buffet so I called Harpo and a long conversation with Harpo occupied at least an hour while waiting for the dinner time to start and then I drove to the buffet and it started pouring so I sat in the car waiting for the torrential rain to subside for almost an hour and by then it was almost 6 pm. Dinner was not as good as it is some nights at this usually very good buffet, but still very enjoyable. Alone, as usual. The semi-bloat was acceptable, even if it was not ideal for the digestive issues, and then comes the hmmmm (the ncertain memory time) some writing to J and TV and sleep, perhaps... hmmmm... not bad hmmmm, just some the cloud of hmmmm that comes when memory fogs, usually because sleep comes early... I think I may have spoken to Jackson, or at least texted, and I am not so sure I was as confident that she would not fall back into her same old pattern of self-destructing money mismanagement again. Sigh.

Horse, water, drink... it's all up to the horse.

Than came Friday. Friday went to work and medical appointments for me and banking for Jackson and then dinner at home and TV and impulsive snacks a movie and sleep. I messed up the medical stuff by forgetting an appointment I had and the tests I had to do coming up to the appointment. The doctors send paper reminders and I don't get to the PO Box daily and usually just let paper mail go from my hands to a pile where it sits for weeks or months or ears (there is unopened mail in storage in new York state from the 80s, no doubt, though lately I am much better at throwing out paper mail after some modicum of time).

So anyway (a whole lot of that in this one, isn't there?), I made calls and rescheduled and luckily talked my way into appointments within the same week (pretty special accomplishment considering the doctor is a specialist, a Hematologist at a Cancer Center... that's where his office is and I am seeing him for Anemia and he assured me he sees no sign of cancer in any of my previous test results and this is a to-month follow up visit after my two-day stay at the hospital for a single bout of heat exhaustion that shut down my kidneys and they do take complete renal failure seriously cuz it leads to imminent death or dialysis, but my kidneys restarted immediately after IV fluids started so my bad, just a false alarm for my deteriorating kidneys and I remind myself to take the Florida heat even more seriously again than I already do from now on).

Yeah, so anyway... I closed an account for Jackson which relieved a whole pile of stress she's been dragging around for more than a year - same old habits, alas. She does not seem to want to understand the simple fact that responding to a spark is so way much easier and safer and less grief and less stress and less self-abuse than letting that spark start a fire that burns (in her finances and in her mind and in her gut, physically) for as long as she tries to ignore and avoid thinking about it or taking action to put it out.

Taking action to immediately extinguish a spark or small fire is so much easier than dealing with the inferno that can result in ignoring the first flames.

Friday night and Saturday softball is on hold until next season, so last night and this morning and afternoon was and is lonelier and more or less whatever than usual (and Eb had a dinner guest he did not tell me about last night which cramped my activity a bit and reminded me I do not actually live here but I simply rent a room and this room is my only space for any modicum of freedom or comfort). I did not know the nature of the dinner guest (personal, professional, romantic, friendly, political) and I did not want to dress to walk past them to the bathroom or shower (nd I sure did not want to stink up the place and it is so small and the intake for the air conditioner is right above the bathroom door so poop does stink up the place) and there is no way out of this room except right into the big space which is living room, eating, and kitchen are) and besides all those considerations, I had nowhere I wanted to go outside).

And that brings us to this morning.

All caught up and nowhere to go. I slept well. Today is anything I want it to be and I want it to be quite, restful, and peaceful and so it is so far. The thermostat that was set for 78 degrees yesterday evening (dinner guest temperature I suppose) was back to 83 when I woke so it was once again hot and sticky. After the first few months saving hard, the last few months of casual frivolous and sometimes extravagant spending as not helped bolster the savings account to the point of making it easy for me to find a place to live that will not require extreme changes in my pleasure activities, so I dwell here because it is convenient for work and $550 a month. It should be $350 or less, but that's another story.

Note to self... take the financial aspect of moving into more comfortable space more seriously. Please.

Yeah, so... Later I go to Helen to help her set up new security cameras for her house and then dinner. Not so much later anymore as it is well into the afternoon and I have about enough time to wake the body up, clean up a bit, shower and drive to her house to be there at the time we set, 4 pm.

So (so, so so... like is so so these days... lol at the fun of language), what's up in your world? I know I ramble on too much here for you to respond. I know you have many reasons for not responding. But I miss you and hey, here's a thought - let's catch up someday, m'ok?) :)

Just a reminder - If anyone mentioned in my babbles

PS... for those of us who sometimes forget and have to look it up, like me...

Eminent describes anyone who's famous. Imminent refers to something about to happen. Immanent (with an "a" in there) is inherent, like that good attitude you were born with.

So am I eminent for my immanent need for imminent learning? (sort of)


Narf :)

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Saturday Continued

If you missed this, you should click here and if you missed this, you should click here and if you missed this, you should click here and maybe most of all, if you missed this, you should click here. Seriously, the fact is that these last four entries are must read if you are reading this blog this moment for this moment, those are the last four entries and those last four entries are as profound as it gets this week. Maybe even this month. Maybe even... seriously. I mean, just look atwhat happened in the brief daily moments ago...

This entry right here in this link thing is deemed too important not to mention again so I shall mention this entry right here in this link thing again and encourage, nay, urge you to click on the link thing and visit (or revisit) it because it is deemed too important not to mention again, or miss, ye too. Yes, but here we are already covering up that entry linked right here with this entry you are reading right now. Unless you clicked on one of the link things and are reading that entry right there in this link thing right now, in which case I'll wait for you to return.




Are you sufficiently inundated with profundity now? Perhaps you neglected to click on the links within that entry right here in this link thing that is deemed too important not to mention again because the links within that entry right here in this link thing are part of the journey too imporant not to mention again so go ahead, I'll wait.




Had enough yet?

Well, the fact is there are entries written this week in this blog that are keepers and if you miss them, well, you missed some important puzzle pieces. All brevity aside, it's been a revealing week for some reason and if you want to read more about it, the detailed blog has many unfinished entries waiting for you to read and learn and encourage finishing. I'll just leave these links right here.

Meanwhile, today was another fun Saturday of softball and dinner and conversation and madness. This right here is the brief daily entry you may have come here for.

Narf :)

And that wasn't even the end of it. See for yourself.

I did that just in case you don't read the brief daily entry and you wanted to see what you were missing. Everything after the Meanwhile above is a typical brief daily entry, in case it matters. Then, we come here for the dirt, drama, and details (and all that other stuff noted in the parenthetic subtitle above).

Well, there is an entry awaiting completion, in fact, there are four entries (in case you haven't heard) awaiting some form of completion or announcement or fanfare and especially your eyes and mind, but here we are already starting yet another... are we having fun yet?

I believe we left off heading out to softball. On the way o the field I stopped at a CVS for some gatorade and after ten minutes in line the cashier (who ranks with the slowest cashiers ever in the history of the world) made a mistake and had to call for the manager. After a few minutes of no manager, I put the two gatorades on the counter and said I could not wait. She said "sir, I'll be with you in a minute" in a perturbed voice. I said, "I have a game to get to and I don't have time to wait." I had fifteen minutes left to get to the field. With no convenience stores o the way, I stopped at a small Walmart and there the lines were long so I did without gatorade. I had lots of water.

The Saturday softball team played very poorly and gave away a game we should have won. The team that beat us went on to win the trophy in the championship game, 4-0. Inexperience and thick-headedness and ego got in our way. We lost to them 11-7. Two runs were earned runs and those were questionable. Too many errors to count and some really bonehead decisions at home plate by most of the batters. They just don't listen and the coach got so fed up he didn't even show up this season. The team is breaking up according to the guy coach left in charge (who broke his wrist in the first game) and they are looking to put together a new team and I told them I would pitch for them but I'd appreciate it if they would listen and learn and practice so they stop making the same fundamental mistakes like outfielders not hitting cut-offs and batters swinging at 3-1 counts and not listening to base coaches and watching the ball while running the bases and rushing plays as fielders and other fundamental mistakes that give up runs and make easy outs. He said they would. We shall see.

I watched the other playoff game and then watched the championship game. A girl fainted from the heat during the championship game (I've mentioned hot hot and dry those fields get... I drank 100 ounces of water in an hour and felt good) and I gave her a water and her friends called 911 and I knew some of the FF paramedics and the others introduced themselves to me. I apparently hold an important job in this county lol. The girl was able to walk to the stretcher but they took her to the hospital because her vitals were a bit off. Those fields are dangerously hot and dry.

As the last out of the championship game was caught the lightning siren went off (amazingly eerie timing) and rains came a few minutes later. I headed toward the place I was meeting Helen for dinner. On the way I got gas and ate a small salad because I had not eaten all day and dinner was an hour and a half away and was going to be all fried food at a fish fry place.

Bang bang Shrimp was delicious, though not very bang at all. Lobster roll was good if I forget what northern lobster rolls taste like and the crab cake was just ok. A small side of sweet potato fries and cole slaw and an extra side of onion petals. Those were very good. It is one of the best fish fry places around and unfortunately, not longer cheap. $38 bucks. What was that about cutting back on spending?

We sat and chatted outside the place (they have outdoor tables and the weather cooled after the rains) and then as the rains started returning we headed out. I wandered. I stopped at a local chicken place I wanted to try and got two pieces of chicken that I ate in a Burger King parking lot. Not bad, but I won't be back. I stopped at a KFC for four more pieces of chicken that I ate in a 7-11 parking lot. I stopped into the 7-11 for a case of water. Then, fully bloated, I headed back here.

I was startled when I walked in to this place because it was actually tidy. The couches were cleared. The dining room table was almost cleared. The kitchen counters were, well, I didn't look close. The floor was almost cleared. After praising Eb, who was sitting at his computer in his usual pose when he is not sitting in his old chair watching TV, I opened my bedroom door and stumbled over the vacuum cleaner that Eb left one foot into my room. He is a strange fellow. I moved the vacuum cleaner outside my door and will likely stumble over it when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I almost hope that wakes him. I wonder if he understands why.

So that was Saturday and here we are. Just like old times, the babbler is babbling, but now bored with the mundane details of the day and seeking distraction from the lack of companionship, meaningful conversation, intimate sharing, caring, and so on before it all leads to loneliness and lament and woe is me and all that jazz. I showered and I sit here nude with the fan blowing on me because the 81 degree thermostat (yes, he lowered it) was still warm for me after being out all day and taking a hot shower and eating so much food. After the time it took to write all this (and the brief entry too), I feel much cooler. Almost comfortable.

This is the first Saturday I am back here early. I look wide-eyed at the screen wondering what I am going to write next.

what did you think I would do at this moment...

hello it's me

maybe I think too much... maybe, maybe I'm wrong...

all I ever needed was the one
and honesty
such a lonely word

is anybody out there?

I feel so shallow
I feel so empty
I feel so lonely
I feel so much
no one to share it
I grin and bear it
friends once friends are now
so out of touch

I can be happy sitting here alone writing these words
I can amuse myself in so many different ways
I can give up on love and meaningful companionship
but is that the right thing to do?
what would you say if I asked you?

I can be content watching other people acting life
I can be amused with the way the music plays
I can give everything and be happy with the giving
but is that the right thing to do?
what would you say if I asked you?

There was a time when I was in love with someone else
There was a time when someone was in love with me
There was a time when happily ever after was not just in books on the shelf
But now I wonder what's reality?

There was a time I did not live alone
There was a time I was not on my own
There was a time I could pick up the phone
in the middle of the night
now that does not seem right

Now I don't live alone yet I've never felt so alone
I feel like I'm living in some sort of twilight zone
I never thought I'd live this long to be on my own
with still so much inside to share
with still so much wanting to care

is anybody out there
can anybody hear me call
does anybody care at all

Well there is the start of a rock opera for the ages about the human condition in these modern times. Charlie Chaplin would be proud. Dan Fogelberg and Patti Dahlstrom can speak for themselves. They are both pink with a touch of moody blues. Who? I'm free. What?

Harry Chapin Billy Joel Elton John and Bernie Taupin John Denver Led Zeppelin Melissa Etheridge and The Who Beatles Beegees Beach Boys Sedaka ad Manilow Duane and Eric Rolling Stones Moody Blues and Pink Floyd too. We didn't start the fire...

Narf :)

Unfinished Entry Number Gazillion and Four

That is right, and wrong, but right in the sense that exaggeration is acceptable when making a literary (or almost any) point, especially among friends (and we are friends if you stick around here and enjoy any of this babbling, even if you never acknowledge it, cuz that's the way it works... just ask Seth McFarland) and the point is, or just may be, that this is one of many many many and many more manys (yeah, who has time to figure out the plural for many, right?) unfinished entries in the (at least so far) seven billion decade event that has been loosely called this life I loosely call mine (which may or may not have anything to do with this seemingly innocuous aside) and no, I am not stealing any sort of flashback model or gimmick because my parenthetic asides were happening long before any input was entered into the cranial capacitors between the ears I loosely call mine.

I give you this...
Never Ending Ending

Isn't that what what life is, in fact, even more than a never ending beginning? Anyway, even if I did not get to else in the last babbling daily (which might be considered profound in some circles at some point in time in the near or distant future or past {I mean, can you imagine ants pondering such thoughts?}, but that is not even close to brevity so out, dang parentheses, and carry on daily).

Yes, stolen from the brief daily blog I loosely call mine, I present this paragraph (as opposed to these paragraphs, I suppose... and isn't that what life is, in fact, supposition?... hey wait a minute, I though it was a never ending ending... anyway, even if I did not get to... hey wait a minute, am I repeating myself within a parentheses within a blog entry within a blog entry or something like that?... did you know that or something like that was a clever way of accepting and somewhat obscuring {or selling, even} a point that may or may not have any credibility if explored in any depth?... it may also more poignantly be a way of saying dig into the previous points because much profound passion and promises of greater understanding of life, the universe, and everything may be found there if you dare venture in without fear and then again, it could just be more fodder for fools... what was the point we were getting to anyway?).

What paragraph?

What point?

What what?


And now, I present this...

What?... oh yes, today started early because last night ended early because fatigue of the week and a big bowl of pasta along with some more Family Guy (oh, ummm, do I have to credit or pay Seth McFarland now that I mentioned his show, not to mention his name twice, in this sentry?) teamed up to bring slumbers. Writing was first thing on the agenda, yay, so maybe I did not need to completely define the else after all... at least not yet. The else paragraph along with many links was inserted into (is this more details than brevity allows?), well, you know where... and a long letter to J occupied much brain resources and then a shower cleansed the body and here we are, all squeaky clean and updating this daily life blog.

Yesterday was a good work day, as most are, as I might say in a previous entry that I might write sometime later. Softball is on the near horizon, then dinner is likely, then who knows. Fun, no doubt. May your life be fun of satisfaction, adventure, and fun too.

Again, stolen from (oh no, let's not start all that again... whatever it was). Parenthetic additions aside, the presented brief daily blog is the jump off point for this entry which shall continue when I have time later and perhaps even other laters (who has time to figure out the plural of later) at some other time coordinates and the anticipatory excitement is abounding, in case you were wondering or have any interest or it matters, get it, in case it matters?).

So whatever this entry is finished, I'll let you know.

Until then, read this...


Friday, August 11, 2017

Does Anybody Pay Attention?

It is Dirt, Drama, and Details (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more)... you see?... Dirt, Drama, and Details (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more)... I mean, does anybody get it? (also, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives, and more). Doesn't anybody care how vital his is to my peace and happiness and sanity?

In case you were wondering who I am writing that first paragraph to, of course it is to the multiverses and posterity, but for the moment it was a slap to my own head to try to get the multiplicitous facets of me (all those wondrous voices, ya know?) on the same page with this one point of action - keep writing and uploading and doing this thing we do to attempt sharing caring or else (else being the end of everything, ego aside, as I know it)... I mean, does anybody pay attention ? ? ? (such inappropriate Douglas Adams style laughter rushes through this moment... in case you wondered... in case it matters... in case you understand... anyone?... ahhh... of course the world is round... and still it turns me on).

It's all just fragments of momentary brilliance fading in the blink of an eye.

Oh yeah, sure, here I am feeling alone and unloved once again. I mean, just because I am alone and unloved. Not completely, I mean, I have a few people who care about me - a couple who actually reach out and take some caring actions too. There's J who writes almost every day (responding almost always the same day) and there's Helen who has called and made sure I got out socially because she cares. That's pretty much it though. Everyone else just doesn't have time for real caring.

So a spider crawls up my ass and another sits on my pillow and who cares, right?

I am just so freaking tired of being alone and poor tonight. Living in a clean space with my stuff out of storage would probably not even help much, though I'd likely sleep better. I remember the days (actually, nights) felt so comfortable in my living space that I would sleep nude. Days before the dang blood pressure medication so I could sleep through the night. Oh, am I going to mourn my youth and whine about aging in this human body?

It's not all just dust in the wind, ya know?

All this because a spider crawled up my... yeah, dang spider.

If you need a place to go
you know you're welcome here
if there's no where else to go
you know you can come here
if you need a place so sleep
if you have secrets to keep
if you find yourself in way too deep
you know you are safe here

I wish I had a more comfortable place
but whether I have a dirt floor or plush luxury
you'll always have a safe place next to me
wherever I may be, wherever I may be
you'll always have a place with me
because you are my family

Now what? You know. You've got to be quick to catch a blink of an eye, after all. If you don't know, then you don't know this life I loosely call mine... or me (maybe). Yup, now if only my family would have loved as unconditionally and generously as I do.

And then, sleep...

Pleaae no spider bites.

Narf. :}

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Slipping Away, Like the Earth's Magnetic Field

Ok, so the plan to eat nothing tonight did not work. So I ate some canned spinach and it passed through my digestive tract life whatever greased lightning may be... it hurt the butt... so that should have been enough to convince me that i should not eat any more but noooooo, I did... i told my co-workers that i would only eat veggies tonight because i had two big pieces of birthday cake (it was my boss's birthday) and four packs of oatmeal for breakfast so i wanted low calories for the evening. So after evacuating my digestive tract, i ate two packages of some chick pea marsala in a bag without cooking it and halfway through the second bag i noticed the expiration date was two full years ago... so far i have not exploded.

I am watching Oceans Rising, a movie that exlores the possibility of the weakening and ultimately loss of the magnetic field protection due to the natural reversal of the fields (the numbers don't lie, they just confuse us with their size). Unfortunately, really bad writing and even worse acting makes it almist painful to watch, but we must watch.

tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic


That is either a countdown until the end of our lives and life on Earth as we know it (just another mass extinction event) or the end of a really bad movie lol... you can decide.

Well, the movie is over and I still have not exploded.

The last entry was more meaningful.

Still more to come....

Narf :)

Saturday, August 5, 2017

A Life In Words

Not the right place for this, but it is real and happening today so..

I live a life in words
for words are where I can release
anything and everything
and in the end I can find peace

I love the life in words
for words give me the time to feel
and express myself and more
everything becomes more real

in words

There is time for fantasy
and for creative play
There is time for agony
and ecstasy and come what may
the life I live in words is fun
there's no cause for alarm
I may not always make my point
with clarity or charm
but I still mean no harm
always mean no harm

I live a life in words
whenever I have time to write
most often when I'm alone
in peaceful silences of night

I love this life in words
for words help me to understand
everything and anything
no matter what may have been planned

The highest highs
the lowest lows
this life has brought so many

Without the words
to help me up
I might be stuck under penny

Sometimes you may read tragedy
both real and in my mind
but in the end the wonder of
this universe is what I find

in this life in words
understanding comes
peace and happiness

without this life in words
I might just be numb
just an empty shell

So I love this life in words
it brings me clarity
enhances everything
in reality

I live this life in words
and you can come along
write your own for yourself
and then join in this song

and once again, more to follow...

Friday, August 4, 2017

Slipped In Here

I am slipping this one in here because I skipped this date and would rather the next entry stay afloat as the entry entry for this blog at east another day, I think. It seems I am leaving entries unfinished with greater regularity than usual the last few days which is an obvious sign of something but I don't have time to finish this thought either. Sleep must come at 2am if I am to challenge this body to play softball in tomorrow's heat at one of the hottest driest fields in town for as many hours as I deem safe.

Probably not a wise move, but we shall see how I feel in the morning.

Anyway, as I was saying in tomorrow night's brief entry (which will appear to be two nights from now due to the datestamp, but don't let that confuse you... it's all part of the plan and the grand scheme of things and the maze and all, in case it matters if you know what I mean) it sure would be nice to be able to say that I am home again but then I would have to feel it and I definitely do not feel home again so I am here again and in reality I have not been home in a long long time (maybe Linda would understand). Deep? Profound? Maybe. Whatever. It is what it is. Good day though.

Whatever I did this morning included a lot of writing like this (which might be a personal anthem or at least an autobiographical number in the musical of this life as I know it) and messages to people on the roommate site (maybe I'll upload and link them) who were not even prospective roommates for me and a letter to J and more cuz it was a wonderful morning inside my head and I just felt like sharing it with anyone in any sort of contact (not Jackson, which is a sad choice she's making, but it is what it is and she'll only hear from me when she's at work and only see me when Brandi is out of town and if she thinks she is in a healthy relationship with those sort of limits, well, we can disagree and still be family if she really wants to be... my door is always open, even if everything flows mostly just one way, her choice).

What I was getting at is that nobody who looks me in the eye in this life talks about writing - or reading, even, no less creative writing, therapy writing, or correspondence of any kind. Is it illiteracy or fear of intimacy or something else, I don't know and I'm not even sure I'm asking. All I know is I love to write, I love to communicate through the written word, and I love the hopefulness I had this morning.

The afternoon was filled with a few hours of softball (in the extreme heat again... on that dry field in that dry park again... I survived, but it is definitely not as much fun playing in those conditions). We won. I toyed with very inexperienced batters and did my best to help them get hits and score runs by lobbing pitches without spin and no fielding my position at all and after walking twice, deliberately grounding into a double play my third time up and deliberately striking out my fourth time up. We won something like 17-8 even with e doing everything I could to help the other team. Some match-ups are like that. The other team really seemed to feel great. They turned their first double play of the season and were hooting and cheering about that. It is a recovery league and the point of the league is to bring people with addiction issues together for comradery and physical activity and teamwork and mutual support so the last thing I want to do is demoralize anyone. Some of the more competitive players in the league (and on my team) were puzzles and do not like it when i do that, but they do not understand the league concept or why they gather in a prayer circle before and after every game.

Hopefully they will progress in their growth and treatment (a prerequisite for the league is all players must either be in a treatment program or have been in one or have worked in one) and learn when good sportsmanship matters more than dominating others just because you can.

After softball I picked up Helen for dinner (outstanding once again) at the new favorite buffet, the Japanese buffet. All you can eat and all top shelf well prepared cuisine. I feel certain I will ramble on more about the place as time goes by when I am not so sleepy. Helen and I chatted a while after I drove her to her house and and then I headed to Sarducci's for a party in honor of three friends with birthdays this month.

All in all I had a very fun willed day and evening and night tomorrow.

Hope you had fun today too :)

Narf :)

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Still Learning (Cuz I Forget A Lot)

Yeah, that's right I meant I meant this blog was expanded slightly, in case that matters (you did come here by clicking o the link that brought you here, right?

This entry will be continued too..

Narf :)

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

In Case It Matters

In case it matters, this is where I was for the past couple of hours and yes, maybe it should have gone elsewhere, but I am using this blog for most, if not all letters to friends, to strangers, and introductions and the lack of definition (or clear delineation) between that and this and other blogs intended to be reflective of who I am in some way continues to move further from clarity rather than the intended direction.

Sleep must happen, so this is left here - to be continued...

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Maybe Tomorrow

Ok, if you came here for the list of ingredients we'll just get that out here right off the top and then move along with whatever babbling this entry will be. Ready, set, here you go: Scallops, Alfredo Sauce, Cheese Sauce, Mac N Cheese, Cannellini Beans, Cream of Shrimp Soup, Cream of Mushroom Soup with Garlic, Light Butter, Light Mayo, Granular garlic, salt. All that comes out of cans or bottles except for the package of frozen scallops. The scallops were not cooked, so therein lies the living on the edge part. Cooking them in the microwave enough to get them to 165 degrees but not overcooking them so they are rubbery is the casual trick I am attempting without calculating, monitoring, or thinking about it other than mentioning it here. Hopefully it will be yummy,tender, and not make me sick afterward.

At the moment the kitchen looks like this:

That is clean and uncluttered as it gets and close up everything is covered with grease, crumbs, and dirt. So cooking outside of a closed container (Pyrex dishware with covers) is out of the questions here. And I pause not because it's time to eat the donuts.

There was more to this entry but I forgot to come back and write it.

Maybe tomorrow...

Narf :)

Friday, July 28, 2017

Still Having Fun (still without the one)

Ok, so we lost 12-11 in extra innings. I pitched well and hit well (2 for 3 with 4 RBIs and beat out a double play so my fielder's choice out was not too terrible since a run scored), but we played a good hitting team and we did not hit all that well and a few too many errors behind me (especially a few wild throws from the shortstop that gave away three runs and a lazy play by the shortstop, left fielder, and third baseman that gave away another) cost us the game.

We tied it up 7-7 with a two run home run in the bottom of the seventh and then extra innings was one pitch and I thew all strikes but they scored 5 on several more errors errors in the top of the eighth to make it 12-7 and I lead off the bottom of the eighth with a single to right center scoring the runner (extra innings a running starts on second) and we scored a few more and had one out with the tying run on second and two batters popped out and that was the ball game. Tough loss, but good time.

Yeah, there's a song in the title.

After softball a few friends went to the local sports bar that sponsors our team (nobody from the team went, again) and we had dinner (black bean burger quesadilla with extra cheese and extra caramelized onions and they threw in extra peppers and the bar owner brought it out just to tell me it's the best quesadilla he's ever seen and that's not the first time he did that lol... he obviously likes my taste in combinations). The waitress brought me a pitcher of water with a straw when I told them I was dehydrated. Just a couple of reasons why we (the few friends from another team and I) love the place.

I wrote a letter to J earlier that sent me out the door smiling (and it's Friday and I am back to being accustomed to a five day work week and feel the excitement of Fridays again) and the work day was excellent from my perspective (I will never make the assumption my boss or anyone else is as pleased as I am, but I did hear several excellents from my boss in the last few days.

The best thing about this moment is that I've got two days of fun ahead and I already feel like I had a great recreational day this evening. Imagine if I was in love and sharing life with he one - I mean, it would be exponentially better and yet it is a wonderful life right now and I don't have any partners for any of my activities or interests other than people to eat with, but not a real foodie partner as diverse and adventurous as I am. I am thankful for Helen who is my buffet partner. :)

I feel like everything is coming up roses even though so many things are missing.

Wonderful attitude and feeling and evening.

Hope you are enjoying yours.

Do tell, please?

Narf :)

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Not Quite Running, Not Quite Empty

Some days (and stretches of this life) are like that. I think I got about 8 or 9 hours sleep last night, so feeling a bit more refreshed tonight. The mood is funky cool with a heavy dose of irreverent razzamatazz and the scent of odd fruit, or something like that. You ever get to a point where everything is amusing because you are a lot less stressed than Marvin the Robot or the human (Arthur Dent?... yeah, I would be more certain of a depressed robot's name than a normal human being, aye?) so everything just seems relative and amusing. I don't even have my thumb up at the moment (hopefully no one is passing by looking for another passenger). I must be somehow enjoying this great adventure called life.

Stranger days have happened.

Today really wasn't that strange, but it was different because I just got off the phone with a person who might have a blog name but I don't recall it at the moment (she does have a garden in the garden of ones section of the written gardens, in case you are curious, interested, or actually following along on this long and winding strange trip it's been. Speaking to a first girlfriend after umbadabumbida years (more than three decades, at least) is can qualify as a strange experience, definitely not something that happens every day.

As I said in the briefer version of these daily blogs, even with the multitude of distractions coming from all angles and inside and out (The discomforts of the environs {living space}, Eb {the roommate}, the body ailments acting up again {oh poo, no, let's not and say we did}, the unpleasantness of poverty {and folly of spending as if I bring in three times what I actually bring in}, the long road ahead {hopefully winding, but definitely mostly uphill}, the dance with the devil in the pale moonlight {what?... you never?}, the depressive self-destructive suicidal culture that looms over us like an unwelcome and uncomfortable storm {and the never ending energy and unstoppable sensitivity [anyone who's been paying attention knows I've tried] that awareness of brings all the pain to my consciousness like water rolling over Niagara Falls [slowly I turn] just miles from tons [no exaggeration at all] of remnants of the life I once knew}, and moldy cheese (representing everything else... fill in your own distractions and discomforts as you wish), it was a wonderfully pleasant conversation.

Happy it happened. Hopefully it'll happen again in less than umbadabumbida years. :)

Meanwhile (why don't we say kindwhile?), it was another diverse active fun day at work. The Learning Management System Project (I sometimes call the Training Project just to save time and space) filled the morning hours. Then I left the office to check on a whole in the ground. One the way I had the Chinese buffet for lunch and stopped at fleet (the people who take care of our vehicles) because my work car's engine light has been on a few days. It was lunch time so I headed to the hole in the ground. I measured all measurements the whole had and then photographed that hole in the ground from as many angles as I could and then walked around the property around the hole to get the whole view of the hole and it's surroundings and photographed the hole from a distance so the bigger picture could include the hole's surroundings and then photographed some stormwater fixtures and the lake edge and assorted other things so if there are any questions about the hole in the ground the conditions and probabilities of what caused the hole to form are well documents.

Looks like a gopher hole to me, said the homeowner, who had nothing to do with why I was out there measuring and photographing the whole of the hole and all of it's surroundings and fixtures and doo dads. Possible a turtle hole, I replied cordially as a representative of the County. Just hoping it's not a sinkhole, said the homeowner hoping I would assure him it wasn't. Probably not, I said, let us know if it gets any bigger. Ok, thanks, he said.

After that I drove my work car, The Safety Car to Fleet and they gave me one of the pool cars, a loaner, a car old and on it's last legs. So the Safety car is in the shop again and the loaner is worse than last time. The County really tries to milk their vehicles to save money. So my vehicle ID is 05232 (new vehicles have Ids that are over 15000). The pool loaner car is 00198. It's a 1999 Ford Taurus and it should be in the shop and will be as soon as they figure out how to turn off my engine light.

Kindwhile, the evacuation chamber is acting up again (where's the Prep H and all that stuff) as the weight is up and that means sugar is up and that means the fungus among us has food again and itching and irritation and sure it is more than you want to know (unless you are a proctologist or have certain specific fetishes), but this is where the dirt, drama, and details are dumped and it you only knew how many details are left out simply due to lack of time, you'd be happy that this is all you get. I do need to find a doctor though, the medications are running out and I have other things about this body I'd like checked out (like the skin, living in Florida all these years and playing softball in the blazing sun suggests a skin check-up regularly... among other things).

The distractions are invading again. Eb asked if I wanted to order Italian for the first time since I've been living here. The food arrived, he cleared a place at the dining room table for himself. I took my food into my room. I figured if he wanted me out there he'd clear some of his stuff off the cluttered table (I've shared photos before, nothing's changed except for more clutter) and invite me. He's switching channels between Star Trek and Bones. I've seen both episodes a few times. Antenna TV does not offer much, but it's free. I don't miss TV much, sometimes not at all. I miss the experience of sharing watching a TV show with someone. I miss sharing.

Anyway, so as I said somewhere, I feel a bit more refreshed today, though I could have slept longer than I did last night. I appreciate you coming here to find out more about me and this life I loosely call mine. In case it matters. Feel free to tell me all the dirt, drama, and details of your day and life. If not here, in email, text, or call.

Life is more fun (and interesting) when we share, ya know?

Narf :)

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

They Didn't Have Airplane!

So I chose Police Squad. Maybe I was unintentionally celebrating OJ making parole, but I don't think so because I forgot he was in the movie. That was a pretty funny slapstick scene he pulled off to start the film after the credits though. I was in the mood for deadpan humor and Airplane! would have been just what the doctor ordered, right on time, on the money, the right stuff, the cat's meow, a chip off the old block, a spoon full of sugar, a riddle wrapped up in an enigma, (feel free to carry on) but nooooooooooo, Hulu ddn't have Airplane! so I settled for Police Squad. It wasn't easy, but with a little help from our friends, I'll get by.

I must kill Papsmear.

If I wasn't so tired, I'd be babbling one and on about all sorts of this and that and you'd be spinning around trying to follow the randomness of the thoughts flowing through and out and into the words. But nooooooooooooo, I am beyond fatigued so this entry is stunted, like lacking in hormones and deprived of nutrients. I will likely lay down and continue watching until I fall asleep. Hulu will likely continue playing long after that, ut I don't have a remote for the laptop so it is what it is for the moment.

Somewhere outside, some episode of some Star Trek series plays.

I fall asleep laughing.

Wish you were here.

Narf :)

Tuesday, July 25, 2017


That's it.

Narf. :)

Strange Life, After All

Yes, it is a strange life, after all. So expanding on the brief daily where yesterday, today, and tomorrow all bring smiles, there we are on Sunday afternoon and as I am going about my usual fun weekend, as often is the case, I find a text message an hour or two after it arrived (I am still happily only semi-attached to technology, apologies to those of you expecting immediate responses... ever the rebel, am I... I shall not be tethered! lol lam) and lo and behold it is from the first person I loved like in a relationship kind of way (first long term girlfriend and maybe the most mature, caring, beautiful person I ever know... except for all the other people I've known and loved... ok, casting off the PC filter she was fun but also sensible, serious, mature, and truly in love with me {so rare that feeling seems these days} - but most important, family - and a true friend in a deeper sense than most).

I broke er heart and she still stayed my friend. A heart of gold, no less. Sad I did that. happy she is as she is. I am lucky she cares. :)

So a blast from the past, for sure. Did I know she would be in town visiting Disney with her family? Did she tell me in a Facebook message or text or some other way sometime in the past? Memory does not bring clarity to answers for those questions, but alas, work and softball are both very, no extremely challenging to cancel on short notice especially after my emergency a few weeks ago and the fact that I am still relatively new on the job (especially when it comes to accrued paid time off) and the pitcher for my softball teams, a challenging position to replace on short notice, especially weeknights, and she did not exactly say come on over so perhaps it is more of an awkward hello than I first saw it. For me it's hey great, when is dinner and where do you want to eat and catch up on everything? but then, I have come to the realization that I am not like most people.

So an after midnight text in response to mine tells me they just got home from the theme park and will be sleeping in tomorrow and I must tell her if I ever visit New York. So we may miss each other again like we did last time (and maybe times before). Such a strange life, after all. :)

So much more could be inspired from this, but sleep. I must sleep. More work, more softball tomorrow. Just two hours sleep last night. Five if I am lucky tonight, This body definitely needs more. Now more than ever. Reprimand accepted.

Alas, maybe I need to start - gasp - planning!

Nite nite, love you :)

Narf :)

Monday, July 24, 2017

Life Inside and Out

People are so illogical to me. I don't think I've ever met anyone who does not want to believe they know right from wrong and know absolutely certain answers about everything. People seem to be drawn to others who do the same. Just look at the leaders and prophets people have followed, killed, and died for.

The more I get to know people, the more I want to be alone.

Yet I crave shared so I stay alive and keep hoping someone will find me and share as I do. That s what these blogs are about. My messages in bottles. I have flown away from time to time for one reason or another. Flown away from life, correspondence, from blogging, from people - sometimes it was slipping into my own self-indulgence and/or self-pity... sometimes it was just getting too busy with life to write. Sometimes I drop corresponding with people to continue the blogging because it is the last hope. Somehow I can convince myself that if someone doesn't care to find my daily words on the web (blog) then they don't care and why should I take time away from my needed writings for myself to write to anyone else?

Then times like these come back and I realize the blog is delusional (what?). The millions of fans waiting with baited breath are delusional (what?... speak up, I can't hear you). Even a few readers is sometimes delusional (oh come on now... do I have to create other accounts and leave comments to convince myself?... My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems).

Ok, so continuing this absurd line of thought (I apologize to the millions of fans and dear readers who are not laughing at this right now), I then I kick off the cloak of hermit-thinking and remember I have known in this life many actual people who actually respond (at the moment, there is J) and just maybe someone real outside of my head will respond again and maybe that's enough.

Ok, correspondence is good.

It's not enough, though. I am insatiable. Its never enough to just share words, even as much as I love sharing words and always want to share words even more than I do now, much much more. As I said (more than a few times) I see the blogs as the possibility of finding more sharing of words and even more, sharing that can become smiles and eye contact and touches and hugs and even sensuality in the physical world. So I continue blogging even when it is obviously futile.

Hello, would you like to make love with me?

Ok, seriously seriously, anyone I've ever loved is welcome and wanted back in my life. At the very least keeping in touch through words or voice. I lose touch with some, I think, because my your pattern (or habit) of communications is not very stable. I can get lost in a work life that consumed 60 or more hours of my weekly waking time and a sports life that can consume 15-20 (or more) hours of my weekly awake time and a social life that can consume almost all the rest of the waking time and then my need to write to myself and throw the bottles of words and hope into the universe via blogs steals time from sleep... that is when the letters pause. I see that now.

Also, there have been times when I did not have internet or a laptop, living in my car. I know, a car without internet access, soon it will be unthinkable. I recall dial-up. Old? I won't tell you what else I recall lol.

I have the luck of being in this very active body. If I was home bound, I would be writing letters as I did when I retired in the nineties and published The Letter Exchange and Paper Fantasies (starting in the eighties) and had long literary conversations with more than a hundred pen pals and deeply moving correspondence with dozens and intimate unconditional loving trusting letter exchanges with a few or a few more. Two became lovers and roommates. I am so happy J inspired me to remember this.

Imagine the blogging I might have done had the internet been around.

The point I think I was making is that the heart is always here for anyone who can find it. :)

So what else is new?

Yesterday softball was fun and then a delicious filet mignon (seldom eaten, but especially good when it is prepared as I like it and it definitely was... like buttah). After softball and dinner, I moved on to cards with old friends (remembering why I don't hang out with them as much as I used to, but still good to see them). I think I mentioned this with more embellishment somewhere before. The brief blog has had some activity. A lot more than this one. Did you miss me?

Continuing keeping you in touch with the details of the daily life, today I woke, showered, and headed to a friend's meetup. She runs a meetup called (I think) the Orlando Thinkers Discussion group. We went to a local high-end college fine arts museum and listened to a tour guide tell us about the artists. A lot of people showed up, but only seven walked to a restaurant for early dinner. I'd have liked more to join us, one was kind of cute, or was it the short flowing dress and g-string (or no underwear?), anyway... some are too shy or poor to socialize after group spectator activities and I understand both positions well.

Yummy food and I ordered a take out meal for tomorrow. Interesting conversation, though none inspired me to pursue further discussion privately, alas. Still, at the risk of not saving enough to move out of here when I finally want a clean place to relax and cook and eat and be in, I think I will attend more of her meetups. Even if the cute ones put on underwear.

I know, I have no couth. Sometimes. Especially when babbling. I mean, I didn't stare or take close up photos. Actually, I took no photos. Darned. This could all be something inserted to titillate or shock, of course. Something inserted, aye? Yeah, well, you'll just have to question further (or actually look into my eyes and spend some time with me) to know for sure.

I just paused.

It was not to masturbate, no. Your minds, really.

I felt like a snack (oh sure, go ahead, associate the oral thing with the hunger with the sexual desire and tell me it was emotional hunger brought on by horniness. Yeah, so what of it? What if that's true? Whatchu gonna do about it, aye?) and my choices here are limited so I reached for the big bottle of nuts (stop that right now) that I bought a couple of weeks ago when I was house sitting for Jackson. That lead me to wonder how long it takes for mold to grow on nuts at 85 degrees. So I searched for that and found no clear answers. I did find a lot of enthusiastic people giving advice as if they suddenly woke up with the news that we've been doing things all wrong since the dawn of time. So I ate nuts.

So what else is new, (didn't I ask that already?... are you paying attention?... where are your hands?), again?

The past few (or maybe two) days I started writing in my daily blog more. I have been writing only sporadically in my blogs this year. A sign of the disarray and discomfort at "home" and limited time and putting sleep ahead of writing. The babbling blog has been neglected even more with just occasional mini-explosions of words, but mostly silence. I even stopped track of the writings some time over the last few months, a definite (and rare) sign of detachment from myself and my writing and my written gardens inside and in the physical world. Not good, but not that bad just yet.

I am still opening and very occasionally adding to the previous daily blog which was the primary for more than seven years and spanned the whole of my living with Jackson (which may be a sign of my trying not to give up on her in spite of all the evidence and good advice that I should). Major changes in life - not just external, but all sorts of factors come into play - have been the reasons for the changes in primary blogs. From early on... just counting them up now... asking myself where it all began online... maybe here (or at least close if you follow the words and links back and forward found there).... at least blogging started rooting itself there.

Wow, I just felt a tinge of inspiration to journey back and walk a random path from long ago. My love of writing (and babbling and rhymes) continued after my small self-publishing ventures on to the internet as I wrote in bulletin boards, in chat rooms, in newsgroups, in forums and all sorts of places that blended into Newsbee's Universe some time later as my own web space developed when I moved from my paper written gardens into my online written gardens which I can trace back to the second page I ever put on my online written gardens (I think) and hopefully the wayback machine will continue to help me find the pages the greedy corporations deleted without warning, but that's another story and sad as it may be, I'll follow the retrograde path into excitement for the moment.

Everything seemed so new in '02. lol :)

For the record, the pages from the 90's were deleted by a couple of supposedly "free for life" websites and the pages from 2001-2009 were deleted by grand old AT&T and they can all go rot in their corporate hells for wiping out my written gardens, but the goodness of the wonderful people at The Internet Archive (aka The Wayback Machine, whch only goes to show they have their heads on straight and yes, I donate - you should too cuz you never know you might need them to cure your broken heart... please do). Please?

Maybe someday I will find someone who enjoys wandering such random paths (by clicking links and following the next link and the next (so many links to choose from, the clicking is impulsive and the path is almost random). I sometimes felt so silly and profound (sometimes simultaneously) back them and it's so much fun to feel and to laugh at myself now :)

I smell a long rambling blog post coming on... if only there was time :)

Hunger rises... food is all there is to quell it... alas.

What a wonderful roller coaster...

...if only someone really shared the ride right here...

I think this is to be continued...

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Abandonment Issues

I could be babbling... I mean, it almost happened, but then, there is no laughing it off (in laughter can be found the deepest truths), being abandoned by those who promised to care and not be like all the rest sucks rotten eggs and then some. Hi Toronto. Hi Orlando. Hi all the good intentions in between. People, I don't understand them... songs, give me songs, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

You said you understood how much it hurt
you promised you would never do the same
but now you're gone and once again I feel lower than dirt
because I believed you... was it all a game?

the facts say you used me and now I am discarded
we were not in love and yet I'm broken hearted
you called me your best friend and said
"you're stuck with me"
why'd you put that in my head?
now you are gone and I am left just wondering
what happened to the promise
what happened to the understanding
what happened to my friend?
and those words you said...

Naturally this probably does not belong here. It probably belong in some deeper closer to personal secret identify informational autobiographical kind of blog, but here we are cuz, well, nobody's reading anyway. From the start, in this life, I was abandoned. Left at the hospital at birth. Revolving and distant parental units. All or nothing friends and lovers. Did I set it all up this way to prove I deserved to be left alone from the start? I know I did, even when I was not aware of it. Sadly, nobody saw through the self-destruction and here I am. Unnaturally alone.

Did I ask for too much?
I only asked for what I gave
unconditional love seems to be too hard for you
but it's the only way I know
unconditional trust seems to be too hard fr you
but it's the only way I know
and it scares you all away
and it scares you far away
and I refused to learn how to limit my love
and I refused to learn how to limit my trust
because I wont settle for less than all we can be
sharing anything less is just not right for me

Don't let it bring you down, it's only an old song and I am still looking for someone who is turning, yearning, burning, learning how to share it all cuz it's never enough cuz there's always more cuz infinity has no wall or door to be satisfied with anything less means your heart died and you are a mess of conflicting contradictions burning in fears that control you lost in compromising confusions and illusions that destroy you and any chance of understanding awareness and love is lost to faith in something you keep out of reach too high above - hate to tell, truth is, you damn yourself to hell by putting your head in the clouds as if something above will save you..... you turn your back on love.

Ooooo, hitting above the asteroid belt (or is that below?... whatever happened to the hairdresser who know for sure?) or something like that. Yeah, it's one of those entries. See, I know that I love and trust unconditionally and so I can tease and taunt and speak the truth and overcome any pain it might cause because I know I love and trust unconditionally and it is not in my power to give anyone else that power and security and confidence and the faith (did I say faith?) in themselves that I have in myself.

So I eat canned meat these days and lament cuz the friend I trusted to understand my abandonment issues did just what she said she would not do and of course she has her very good reasons and of course I forgive her betrayal and lies and of course I still trust er intentions even though she didn't follow through on her promises just like everybody else.

This is the limbo period. I drag this out hoping I don't have to give up on the friend... and reluctant to start again trusting and believing someone else will not do the same thing.

Someone ought to write a somg about it.

Someone probably did and the song(s) were on the tapes left in Toronto like the stolen child (and I searched the internet for streaming waterboys and found something on lastfm dot com that seems to be at least giving me part of the song... so I will leave it on and hope the music comes through) for the world's more full of weeping than you can understand... and returning from the end of the universe only to find all the magical mystery tours have become abandoned school buses with faded day-glow paint and flat tires, home to spiders and snakes and the occasional lost soul who's giving up on life and people and themselves. I've been there and there is nothing any different there than anywhere else.

The fears are everywhere. And I still set them off by being as open and honest as I am. Unconditional love scares people away. Unconditional trust scares people away even more.

Maybe Mike Scott is one of my soulmates.

This world is killing my heart (and I don't even know the song, but the title is so true with my added prefix. He's like a cross between Bob Dylan, Alanis Morissette, and others of that and other ilks. Some Fiona self-pity and some Melissa visceral vulnerability and some Edie and Lori and Patti and Shawn and Leslie philosophies and some Moody and Harry and more.

When you want the one you trusted most to be your enemy
because it's easier to hate than hurt
yes it's easier to hate than hurt

When you want to one you loved becomes your venom, see
it is easier to hate than hurt
it is easier to curse when you're mouth is full of dirt
when you gave everything and left with your shirt
off your back
it is easier to hate than love
that is a fact

Bits and pieces of songs may flow because I want you to know I don't want to let go I don't want to give up believing in you I still want to believe the words you said were true. I still want to believe in you.

ain't no words for the things I'm feeling...

You don't have to be a genius to be here, you just need to honestly care... cuz even the trees are dancing... and you are not aware... even the trees are dancing... I wonder why you don't seem to care.

have you heard about the sixth mass extinction?
do you think you have some immunity?
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand

it's no wonder why I go through this life alone
I feel all this shit that nobody wants to own
I will not shut my eyes or heart to all the suffering
and I stand here daring you to sing

it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand

did you hear the one about the next big resurrection
do you thin you have some special protection?
it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand

it's no wonder why I live in pain and poverty
I feel all the things that nobody wants to see
I will not pretend all is well and wait for another kind
I stand here daring you to sing

it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand

it is a matter of perspective
everything is what you believe
but what if what you believe is wrong? . . . .

. . . .

. . .

. .


I'm just gonna keep singing this song

it doesn't matter if your head is in the clouds or in the sand
no one's gonna save you - until you understand
no one's gonna save you, but your own hand

Don't abandon all hope unless you are ready to go. Don't abandon all hope unless you are ready for goodbye. Don't abandon all hope unless you really don't want to know. Don't abandon all hope unless you really want to die. And if you are ready to die, if you are tired of the show, if you are ready to die, just go.

I'll just go on believing in the good intentions and hope someone somehow somewhere will follow through someday.

Until next time...

Narf :)

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Shirley You Jest

So many words flowing out to J and still more floating around in the space between the ears of this body I inhabit, in case it matters (occasionally reaching into as if it matters even more than the effervescent eternal optimism of the childinside {not to mention hopelessly hopeful romantic} use to reach deep into the fanciful omnipresent universal celebrity {and fame and fortune} hidden slightly discreetly within the babbling blog realms of the ever expanding written gardens and the multitude of fans eagerly awaiting the next incarnation of the babbler {not to be confused with the doctor or the clones, mind you}, but let's not let a little enthusiastic self pity get carried too far away hence we lose touch with whatever point this entry might have been coming here to make, m'ok?)


Yes, (or no), this is not just another not just a continuing saga entry in the continuing saga of life (we all start sagging sometime, after all), but rather, it is a blink of an eye in the brief history of time (and even briefer history of life on this planet and even briefer history of homo sapiens dominance and just a moment, what's this?... deep though has an announce a new answer... news at eleven).

All tangential asides aside, when you lavish me with praise and accolades and your hard earned money I am very appreciative and someday, perhaps soon, I might reveal myself to you but for the moment, I leave us with the illusion of my invisible presence in this life like a cellophane man as unknown and unappreciated as I am alone and isolated (fame does not true sharing make {you can read all about it in the future autobiography loosely titled The Hidden Elvis [the writer revealed] to be published someday, sometime, somewhere in that place for us if you now what I mean} and people in random houses should not write on stone tablets).

You can all fight over publishing rights.

Meanwhile, the hunger continues to produce less than logical remedies as the sensory apparatus settles for what is preferable from what is available and the humans available have no been preferable for a long long time. I long to meet someone who's dominating emotion and motivation is not fear or greed.

in younger days
i held you close all night
only to leave your side
for words compelled to write

your endless hope
inspired such pure ideals
and i still recall
how good it feels

to love and be loved
to trust and be trusted
just the same

it does not appear
in today's society
than anyone still will
do it again

so sad, this dying species
so sad, this suicide
so sad, the fear is winning
so sad, the love we hide

oh dear me, oh my... is there anybody going to listen to my story?

Maybe this one (there are so many).

Why do you condemn yourself to your vision of hell when you can create heaven just as easily? So afraid you are not up to the task on your own, but that is the only way it can be. You have nothing to share until you find yourself and only you know where you are. For all the energy you expend on desire, you never seem to get quite that far. Can you stop running in circles for just long enough to see how much you are missing by believing you know what is right and wrong, do you even feel your lips when you are kissing? Or should we ask when was the last time you gave all of yourself to anything? You call taking giving and pretend that is love, but it is not a love song you are singing.

Why do you condemn yourself?
What are you apologizing for?
Original sin is one book on your shelf
But there is so much more

Life is an open door.

Love is how to keep it open. Someday I hope you all understand.

And yes, everything changes, if we only opened ourselves to experience life, we'd know this well. We'd know how to live together without killing ourselves or each other. Sad we don't do that now.

But don't be sad (and not cuz two out of three ain't bad) because you are here experiencing this magical mystery tour of life in your own individual way (for the moment, staring in awe at my infinite wisdom, no doubt) and rejoice in the word for if this exists, then imagine the hope for humanity you can find if you join the band and follow me down to the river. You don't have to be a hippie to get it, but you are one if you do. And if you are frightened by the word or concept, bless you for listening anyway.

Don't go changing to try to please me, but even more, don't try to change me to please yourself. You;ll have to get used to failure and disappointment if you do and that's one of the last things I wish for you. Embrace your good intentions, even if they scare you. Try to follow through. I believe you can. I believe in your heart. I hope you do too.

But where's the dirt?... where's the drama?... where's the details?...

They are, for what they are worth, mostly lost in translation from the experience to the mind to the words these days. What does flow into words mostly goes to J, the human currently keeping me from giving up on humanity (everyone has a purpose, right?). Those around me are distant, at best. Uninterested in the dirt, drama, or details of this life experience or me, so most of the time I don't think about them. Investing time, energy, interest, love, trust, stuff, life in people in the hope they will return the gifts has not balanced in return for me. I remain alone and those I've given all I had to remain far away, out of touch, and for all intensive purposes gone except in memories and feelings in me.

So the hunger continues. Nuts.

I'm still sending all my good thoughts to you.

Narf :)

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Not Just a Continuing Saga (DDD)

Folding is ironing. Does that make me a bachelor?

If you missed it, the previous entry (and the one before) were all started days ago but finally got filled in and fluffed up and uploaded as this one ought to be in a few minutes which is why I linked the previous one so it doesn't feel neglected cuz it is a tribute of sorts to old friends and memories. Don't let them down, go visit and click and riot in their comments and notes, yeah, rock their world. And pay respects too.

We should also take a moment to mention that the last few entries were uploaded tonight so they will likely see less of you unless you click the back button a few times. You never know what sort of highs, lows, magic, and secrets might be slipped in for posterity in this obscure maze of a written world I present to you. You can miss it if you wanna, but you can also dance.

Meanwhile, I have an iron or two and an ironing board or two in storage up north and I used to iron my clothes, but I gave up the habit and now simply fold neatly. Pants get pressed by their weight folded neatly on top of each other, sometimes. So do T-Shirts. Work shirts get pressed hung up and pressed together in the closet. I no longer have any desire to dress to impress (is that why I am alone in bed again?... or is it the fat?) and would rather be comfortable than suited up even though the financial restraint leaves me cutting out a lot of fun I used to take for granted. I just don't want to be that "pressed" anymore.

So the ants are finding their way into the house even though the windows are new model well sealed and the bug guy comes regularly. Their new way in is the shower as the shower needs caulking. I'll mention it to Eb and see if he does anything more than ask the bug guy to come back again.

Meanwhile (yes again), in possibly related but maybe not news, I am suffering from some sort of bites or rash on my legs again. I get this sort of annoyance a few times a year and I don't know if it's because I was out in some insect world not noticing them climbing into my shoes and up my legs and biting me or if it's bugs around the house or bed bugs or some sort of rash related to high blood sugar or high blood pressure or some other medical issue or a reaction to the blood pressure medication or some sort of food or plant allergy or what, but these little red spots pop up looking like mosquito bites and they itch like crazy and I put afterbite and benadryl ointment on them and try to not let them distract me but sometimes they do cuz they itch so much. I may rub them in my sleep but I am very good about not rubbing them when I am awake. Rubbing them definitely makes them worse.

Anyway, they are back and further up my leg than usual and I am wondering if there are bed bugs in my pillows and all sorts of wonderings are going on once again. Could it be fleas? I washed the bedding and sprayed some flea and bed bug spray and will likely wash them again this weekend and will consider new pillows, but at least I shall spray the pillows with bug spray and lysol again and maybe wash one first to see how it turns out. Washing pillows can ruin them sometimes. But then, bug bugs or feels can ruin more than pillows. Nothing a blowtorch to the whole filth house wouldn't cure. The room is clean. Spiders?

These itchy spots rarely appear above the legs and seldom appear above the knees. What they look and and feel like most according to this website are flea bites. It is definitely flea season and I have been around many animals recently. Helen has three cats, one who lives outdoors most of the time. Jackson has two outdoor cats and two dogs who are out in the yard a lot and their yard is wild. I've been to both houses and the dogs laid all over my lap. There are two indoor-outdoor dogs at cards the last few Saturday nights and they might have fleas. I gave them a lot of attention and affection too. So maybe this is a flea problem.

Or maybe my feet and legs have chicken pox or measles.

Yeah, I ought to take it more seriously. It really is annoying and distracting.

What? I get serious sometimes. We don't have to make a big deal out of it. I mean, unless you want to. Ego hasn't been fed in a long long time. We are almost thinking about taking down the don't feed the ego sign. What I would really like is (no, don't even think about food... umm, ok) a cuddle. Nobody cuddles with me anymore. Except some flea-bitten dogs (I'll find out if Jackson's house has fleas when I stay there house and animal sitting the week of the fourth of July) and cats and, heck, I don't even know any kids anymore. How isolated from family life I have become. Yeah. Sigh, again.

Do you have an ultimate truth?

It is time to repeat this. I think I will repeat it a few times before I stop begging for attention. It just seems right that way. Kind of like this or any of the other linkages that went on repeat in the past. Anyway, the present brings is to this semi-revelation: I am still sharing after all these years, just differently. My complaints are not fun (or funny) anymore. The philosopher is winning out over the comedian. I am still wide awake at 4am even if it is more in my dreams (remember sleep writing?) than in the daily reality. I am still babbling, just differently.

Toldya I get serious sometimes (and if you think you've been there already, explore some more. cheayah. Cuz just like hope, there's always more. (even there).

Narf :)