Monday, February 27, 2017

Harry, Sally, Whatever.

The laundry was done, three loads, and the shirts are a little better this time but they are still slightly wrinkled. They were too wrinkled to wear last time. It may be partly because the washer dryer is outside and I've got to carry the clothes in in a basket before I pull out the shirts and fold them and it could be partly because the washer and dryer is old and not very good. The washer can take a very long time too and also, I forget to check the washer and dryer and so, the clothes are cleaner but the living in the cramped space makes for less than neatly wrinkle-free clothes. A man needs a maid, or something like that. Actually, what I need is space to set up an ironing board. A well lit room with more than two square feet of floor space to change in would help too lol. Ah, the compromise of low rent (three months rent free except for about $100 in stuff for the house and then $500 for plumbing repairs last month).

No complaints, just adjustments.

I will definitely need to to get some clean pressed matching professional outfits together starting next Monday for the new job. Buying new clothes is such a waste when I have dozens of dress outfits and dozens of boxes of clothes in storage, but unpacking and searching has proved challenging and there is no place to try things on with a big mirror and nobody to tell me how things look so I'll just be a big baby and whine about it and buy a new outfit and wear what I've got, maybe.

Yes, so I watched When Harry Met Sally and it left me feeling sad and lonely because it nudged awake the hopelessly hopeful romantic heart in me that is mostly sleeping of late and for a long long time (can Linda Ronstadt be far behind?) so I texted Jackson and told her to laugh at me so I would know I was loved. Melanie is singing too, just tell us you love us so we don't feel alone. Are those whipporwills?

Obviously the emo child is out for this entry.

Sensitivity is so misunderstood and undervalued in this culture. So let me rant a bit and bore all of you with intellectual philosophy so you can wonder if I think I am superior which will prove my point and make me sad, but somewhere along the way I might feel better letting it all out.

We are all small and a bundle of emotions - delusion and repression is how most people "deal with" the human experience. That may be the saddest truth of all. We are each unique beings capable of experiencing so much more than we do and we struggle to conform and repress ourselves. If you dare open yourself to caring it may hurt, but you, yes you are unique and precious among humans because you do not render yourself a virtually futile friend.

You dare to feel and share the real.

The real is simple. The birds, the trees, the moment, the space, the joy, the pain, the feelings we feel - that is the real.

It is so simple that when we look around beyond our lives, we feel how small we are. A single multi-cell organism among billions on a single living planet among who knows how many. The space out there beyond our planet is so huge and filled with so much power our little speck of rock and water would be gone in an instant on the whim of a random rock or energy wave floating through space.

I've been watching some shows on Hulu, Secrets of the Universe, NASA 360 and NASA Television Documentaries, Startalk, among others. The vastness of what is "out there" puts everything into perspective for me.

Feeling all that can be overwhelming. And beautiful. :)

We can feel it is sad, painfully sad that humans skew everything through egocentric delusions to the point where they have no connection to the reality, especially not the fact that everything is mostly unknown. Compound that by thinking you matter so much everything revolves around you ad you fit in with the humanity of today.

Asking what does this mean to me? is one thing (and a very good thing to do), but assuming our few years of living actually matter in the grand scheme of the universe(s) more than it does, well, that's just silly and the actions most people take because of that silly delusion are very depressing.

Don't we feel better now?

Narf :}

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Food and Laundry

Well, whether it is Hulu or this laptop or the specific video, without external speakers the volume for secrets of the Universe is too low to listen to while preparing food so unplugging the laptop and bringing it into the kitchen was a waste of time. That seems very strange. I'll have to explore other websites and music another time, bu for now I just put the iheartradio on my phone on and am listening to music as I cook and do laundry. Live and learn.

I am hungry and need clean clothing, so two birds fly in unison.

I don't want to kill any birds, even metaphorically.

So what else is knew?

Moving around The Maharaja's space has me thinking that it will be sweet to have my own space set up the way I want it set up again. Simple things in life I have missed for a full year as of this week. Wow, it's been a year of depending on friends for space which is a wonderful gift of comfort, caring, and financial help. While The Maharaja and I and others might shrug and say we're happy to help and it's just sharing space I am not using anyway, it is still quite challenging for anyone to just give anything over a long period of time (Curly is the perfect example... for all his good intentions to care, he found it too personally upsetting for me depending on him beyond a couple of months even though the space he let me stay in was not near him, not ready for living in, and not used for years). Even The Maharaja has limits and I suppose I might too, if I ever found them (though I and those who know me best doubt I do and my choices through life experiences does support that conclusion... does that make me a better person or just too stubborn (and stupid?) to put survival instincts ahead of altruism?... the martyr complex might know).


lol lam (cheesy contented gleeful grin that might appear manic or mad as in insane to some, but there ain't a harmful intent in my way so we can all judge as we wish when it comes time to judge if there ever is a time to judge... some seem to think that is all the time lol, sigh because it really messes them and the whole world up big time, but this giggle has certainly beaten a path off to several serious tangents it had no intention exploring so let's just do it again and let it be for now, m'ok? lol lam laa)...

Food is cooking, laundry is washing, fingers are typing, mind is melding, and all is right with the world in my head at the moment. I wish everyone could understand the peace and happiness I live in and security it brings. It is all inside you.

Make today as amazingly wonderful as you want it to be :)

Narf :)

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Where Did The Time Go?

Wow, look at the date. Last we shared, I was three steps away from the most major change of life style and activities since returning from the great white north (as if anyone from those times or before cares to notice anything anymore, ahem, yes, that's a poke in the say something I'm losing touch with you fading memory part of your mind) and digesting physical challenges partly because I returned to bad habits (specifically eating, slothing, and TV just to name a few) and assorted other distractions and sundries left for the catch-up files if and when I ever find more time for them (but will there really be no entries for almost two weeks when posterity finds this blog?... only the shadow knows... and you if you check back at some future time).

Don't give up on us baby...

So I have been lost in TV shows most nights mostly because I've been too tired to sit up and write after sitting up and writing at work for ten to fourteen hours a day (or something like that) and still only sleeping about four hours a night because the demand for me time would not be satiated or placated or evacuated or in any way repressed enough to allow myself to choose to lay down and fall asleep as the proximity of The Maharaja's bedroom is too close to leave the TV on loud enough to hear it while laying in bed and the desk chair does not lean back enough and the cushion is not soft enough (especially with the bottom issues this body has been having this past year or so) for truly comfortable sleep. What I have been watching should be recorded in the background TV blog, if I find time and enough organization in the brain one of these days. Keep checking if you care or just want to know.

As I mentioned in the brief blog entry, I've been waking with a tummy ache the past two days. Cramping followed by diahrea, more specifically. I am reminding myself to drink more water even more than I usually do, which is a lot. I have been eating a whole lot of junk food and calories this week, even more than I have been since I forgot about the sugar levels and other medical tests that got me to eat seriously fewer calories and drop twenty-three pounds a couple of months ago (September 6th through November 6th, or something like that). So I likely have gained back all 23 pounds and maybe more (shame on me, damn fool) and I feel more sluggish and bloated and so on and that is a fine mess I've gotten myself into, especially since the new job starts in nine days and I probably can't fit into any of the decent business casual pants I might find if I make time to search through the storage boxes yet again (the first search produced a stack of pants with few I can fit into).

I can be such a wasteful (wasted) fool sometimes.

Could it be anxiety or something I ate? I pigged out on Three Arby's sliders and curly fries and then ate the beef stew and bread and butter Excel and Curly threw together in a crock pot. While Curly is usually meticulously clean, Excel and the Commodore's kitchen is often crawling with bacteria as they don't clean well (especially the Commodore). That was Thursday. So it could be a bacteria or virus or something else. Waking yesterday over-tired (lack of sleep is likely part of it), cramping, and somewhat grumpy about no clear commitment from Michael about me continuing as a consulting (if I don't, the systems and processes I created will most likely fall apart and everybody knows that, probably even Michael). The bowels emptied much like they did after the chemically induced purge I did prior to the colonoscopy. I did take a couple of laxative tablets on Wednesday or Thursday as I sensed cloggage in there due to the diet I was choosing this week due to the lack of time and packing up of all the food stuffs and moving them to the storage place after The Maharaja asked me to be out of here by the end of March.

Yes, a lot has happened in the past twelve days and it was not Xmas.

So Friday I stunk up the bathroom at work enough for someone to light a scented candle and still I was fine later on so after a 12 hour day at the desk trying to do as much as I can to prepare them to go on without me in case Michael decides not to call me and ask me to drive over to pick up the laptop I will need to continue helping him, my assistant, and everyone else working there, I drove around a bit hungry and pondering whether to eat out or eat canned pasta and mull over the growing creeping smothering loneliness that was hanging over me in the car. I found myself driving to the new Chinese buffet (which was one of the regular buffets I visited before ownership changed as it was very near Helen's house) and I was very comfortably pigging out on all sorts of foods.

I would point to slightly luke warm mackerel sashimi and the rest of the seafoods and other foods I ate as buffet food could easily (and often does) cause diarrhea (though rarely cramps), but the start was the day before so I will not blame the Chinese. Or the Japanese, for that matter. Asians are safe, except maybe Kim Jong-un and his followers.

If you are not laughing, you are probably not one of my Asian friends or simply have a sad limited sense of humor.

So anyway, this morning I woke with the cramps again and diarrhea followed. You may have read about it somewhere. I am still hungry, so I have every intention of heading to dinner with Helen and a couple of strangers (she posted somewhere online, I have no idea where as she is not on Facebook or the usual online places) and said "a nice 45 year old black couple responded and will join us" though I have no clue as yo how she knows they are black. Or a couple for that matter. Yes, assuming they are nice is the joke there, some of you might have whizzed right past it but heck, you can be as oblivious or even as offended as you'd like because, in case you have not noticed, I am not caring much how my seriously irreverent senses of humors are read today.

Really, you should get out more.

So welcome back my friends (and assorted others) to the show that never ends as the babbler is unleashed once again (for as long as the ass can stand it... or sit, to be more precise). Should you decide to step inside you will be welcome to wander just about anywhere you please as long as you don't go disturbing the peace or creating some harm anywhere. Harm is still not welcome. Yes, I shall remain prejudiced and keep the "No Harms Allowed" sign up in the window. I miss my former co-worker with whom I wandering the hallways of a psychiatric facility for children and adolescents many nights for a few years. We shared a similar sense of humor. She would be a great roommate choice if she wasn't living somewhere in southern in California with another friend we met on the job. They are married with two kids now.

In any case, the search for a new place to live continues and the changes keep on changing.

Yesterday was technically the last day of the Data Analyst and Marketing Manager job (yes, I got the other one which I will hopefully tell you more about in entries to come that will appear as if they were always there before this one, m'ok?). So much is left unfinished at Michael's company and the unsettling part is the proposal I gave to Michael to continue helping as a consultant, which was heartily approved by his son and daughter who are the CFO/CTO and COO respectively, was not completely approved by Michael so I do not have the tools or connections to do what I proposed to do (I'd need the laptop I was using, software I was using, and network access). Hopefully Michael will reach out to me... I just wish he would have done it before I packed up and left.

I feel like I am going to enjoy the day of rest as much as I enjoyed the morning of rhymes. Later, a special treat for dinner (the stomach is fine, the intestines moved from crampy to queasy and that is fading fast) with Helen and those two strangers. It might be a little awkward squirting lbster or crab juice into a stranger's personal space, but that's how Helen set this one up so hopefully they are cool with it.

For the first time in weeks I found rhymes flowing this morning. Here are a few. I even found myself in the time machine doing that now and then think back at (e)thereal, the daily blog with almost seven thousand entries that preceded the two-step daily blogs that are current. Do you know where you are?

Time for myself is so precious and valuable and rewarding and exciting and soothing and relaxing and cathartic and more all at once. You will likely find the details in this blog revealing, perhaps more revealing than your comfort level is comfortable with but hey, at least you don't have smell-o-vision on your computer, right? Or at least maybe you find it entertaining, unless of course you don't care about me and/or don't like babbling and/or are not interested in this life I loosely call mine and/or any of the random revelations and nonsense that comes pouring out of my head there in which case, don't go there and in fact, why are you even here?

And/or, even.

So we come to the close of another free-wheeling babbling blog that sort of catches us up on at least the past few days (but what about the ten days before that?... you ask... well, there's always hope). Thanks for caring, your patience is a gift :)

Narf :)

Monday, February 13, 2017

Three Steps Away

Actually one with many, or perhaps a flight of stars. There are several background checks and screenings to insure I am a safe driver, don't do illegal drugs, don't have a criminal history, have reasonable good credit, and a few other hoops to jump through, but I received the conditional offer officially by phone and email today. Soon I will be the old dork who drives around in the wanna-be police car with "Safety Officer" printed on the side. Only one in the county. Da doo da dah.

LOL... hey, I'll take it seriously when I am on the job. :)

The toughest part is telling my friend (did I give him a blog name?... well, I know him but we are not really close... he forgot my name at the meeting this morning, so I should tell him that's why I am quitting (stop laughing, it is going to hurt him in many ways as he was counting on me to fix his ailing business... I spoke with Tinman and he may take the job if it's offered to him... I'm gonna recommend him hard and offer to help out part time in some way until he settles into it... on some level the boss will understand, but on another he will feel betrayed even though I told him I have several applications pending and it would be tough to turn down more than twice the money with a good benefit package and lots of paid time off... good enough for government work... it is really a near perfect job for me at this age, so bit the bullet and share the bad news tomorrow... it's not the only bad news I have to share, but the other bad news has to do with the cost of the software they want to deploy... it's gonna be a sad day at the office).

Ok, so it's wonderful news aside from the leaving the other place and not being a winning lottery ticket. I applied for Trump's job, I mean, now that he's President someone's gotta do it, but I haven't heard back yet. I will not disclose the salary for several undisclosed reasons, but it is between seven and sixteen digits and there may be a decimal point in there somewhere. Including health insurance, which can be as much as $100K according the the ACA website (the cheapest they had for me $800 a month and with deductibles and co-pays, it was a total cost of $16,609 per year... wait, I found one for $651 a month with a $7200 deductible... sure, that's affordable... just over $15,000 a year... the state plan is $50 a month or $25 a month with a $250 deductible... then there's oodles of time off for holidays, vacation, and sick days if I need them... so let's see, stay at a job that pays $10 an hour and push other people to do better so I can get commissions or guarantee myself more than twice that without counting health insurance and other benefits... let me think about this).

Yup, tough decision.

I don't see any obstacles (unless being a crazy blogger or former crazy Facebook loony toon is not acceptable :)

It's the usual screenings I had to go through for most of the long term jobs I've had in this life. I got the official letter offering the position, a conditional offer pending passing all the screenings.

So who's celebrating with me?

Yeah, it would really suck if I did not get the job and lost the Marketing Manager job.

Think positive.

I am just getting in from softball. I batted last again and went 2 for 2 tonight. An atypical line drive to left center (I usually hit to right) and a screaming liner down the first base line. I have not made an out in the four games we played on Monday nights, my best personal season in a while, especially for night time play. I must be getting used to the lights. We won again. A tough loss last week makes us 3-1 and in second place. We play the first place team next week. More fun.

Hungry, but maybe sleep is a wiser choice.

Excited, but very tired.

Mono-linear sentences.

Happy happy joy joy.

Nite Nite.

Narf :)

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Continuing Saga of the Colon (and other intestinal fortitudes)

Before we get this entry started, I shall give you the opportunity to run away by letting you know that this might get somewhat graphic and I would prefer you simply skip this entry if you think you might get a shitty attitude or any sort of judgmental offense (for the sake of clarification, taking "offense" to something, being "offended by" something, is actually an aggressive choice and acting on it, telling someone you are "offended" is inferring they must change their behavior to conform to your judgment which is an offensive action on the part of the one claiming offense... perhaps that is why it is called "offense", hmmmm?) just skip this entry or, if you insist on expressing your displeasure with the subject matter or the detail contained within, just go away.

Now that we've abridged any attempt anyone may make to cast a dark shadow on this entry, let's get down to business. It really was no miracle, what happened was just this.

I shitted. Twice. It was a really big shit. Both times.

I would not say it is time to sing Ode To Joy or some such Halleluya song, but the mostly good news is that I finally had the first post colonoscopy BM. Two, in fact. It required three 100mg Docusate Sodium stoll softeners taken over the 48 hours since the procedure between meals and ultimately a glycerine suppository to open the flood gates. I will spare you the 8 by 10 glossy photographs, but the reason it is mostly good news (as opposed to completely good news) is there appeared to be some blood and there was definitely some pain, though not nearly as much as there was in the past when larger harder stools passed.

The pain may have been simply soreness from the procedure. The pain may have been due to one or more of the three cauterized spots where polyps were removed breaking open and bleeding. The latter possibility leads to all sorts of risks, two of the most serious being hemorrhage and septicemia so I must track myself closely for signs of either.

If I don't wake up in the morning, please apologize to The Maharaja for the blood stains on his guest bed and hopefully he got me to the hospital in time. If not, hmmm, I suppose I want to donate my body to science and have the parts not useful cremated and the dust sprinkled somewhere profound... or at least coo. (though probably illegal, so who has the guts to do it?). Strawberry Fields (that's in Central Park, NYC) comes to mind.

Hoping I do wake up in the morning, I shall start another work week hoping to hear from another better job, the Seminole County Safety Officer position that I applied for last July and, according to the HR person who has been apologizing to me, is all but mine except for the governmental approval process being completed.

Now that I am nodding off, I realize that I did not cross into the details of the physical experience (with a photojournalistic flair) nearly as much as I thought I might. I would like to have more time off for myself as it has been a busy weekend... yesterday was mostly venegation and recovery with cards and games in the evening... today was softball this morning, lunch with some teammates in the afternoon, dinner with Helen in the evening, and laundry with this babbling and the aforementioned pooing and the internet TV on in the background in the recent hours. Instead of pushing to stay awake longer, I shall lay down and let sleep come so i can wake early and head to work early and build up some extra hours so I can leave early on Friday when I am going to an out of town softball tournament.

Perhaps in some future or past entry, I will provide the graphic details mentioned earlier. For now, I shall hope for the best from this body. It survived softball practice today, though I took it easy compared to other practices.

Jackson sent a nite nite which still inspires a big smile.

I am lonely and her few words help, but what else is new.

Life goes on, with or without you.

Nite nite.

Narf :)

Back to the Bad Habits

Back again after a night of cards and games. We played a few games with Curly's son and Excel won most of those. We played Bridge after that and Curly won the night, so all was well and the tension was minimal, though it got a bit tense when he was losing a few hands in a row. I ate two full plates of spaghetti with meat sauce (sausages) and veggies and the belly expanded again. I even had a root beer.

Life is much better today. I napped and ate and napped and ate and while I still have not had a bowel movement since the procedure so I am a bit concerned about how it will feel and what it will do to my colon for several reasons, I feel good. As I may have mentioned somewhere, the Nurse said he removed three polyps and that means he cauterized three spots and that means those spots could open and bleed and that is one of the most serious potential side effects of a colonoscopy. I do way too much reading.

I need to build up the intestinal flora since the purge/cleanse washed away or killed most of it and the food I am putting in the body is not being digested well. The intestine reacts to laxatives by reducing digestive enzymes which will further inhibit digestion. So the next BM could be hard and painful and that could tear the cauterized polyp spots and most likely will tear the anus that happens every now and then when I eat a lot of harder to digest foods and do not drink enough water and do not exercise and throw in a few other factors. So I took another laxative tablet to wean myself off and I shall drink much water and hope for the best.

Softball practice in the morning, so I shall wind down toward sleep now.

Remind me that I need to do a load of laundry tomorrow, ok?

I'll likely continue babbling here tomorrow.

Hope you are having fun too.

Narf :)

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Rest and Recovery

So last night I played MS Solitaire all night. Yes, many hours. I listened to Star Talk in the background as I played game after game instead of writing or sleeping or exercising or communicating or showering or dancing with the devil or anybody or anything else. My only break was a 5am dose of spaghetti, yes dose as the carb-fat-salt mixture was more of a drug than food. I fell asleep shortly after consuming the last of the almost pound of spaghetti I made last night as comfort food after the colonoscopy. In the absence of a Nurse (or friend who cares to nurse me when I want nursing... or mother or cuddler or any comfortable closeness from another living being), there is comfort food.

So I slept in instead of waking (or staying awake as I used to do when this body was young, which was as recently as last year... is getting old a choice?) and going to play some softball with the seniors pick up game (I do seem to avoid the seniors and I believe that is mostly because they are so old that they depress me, but that is mostly perspective as they could, if I chose a more positive perspective, just as easily inspire me because some are a lot older than me as still playing ball, however feebly... I think it is the feebly part that I avoid... I am too competitive on the field, even in my social just for fun stage of my sporting life that I have been cultivating for several years now).

Here we are.

I believe the hangover feeling is primarily due to not sleeping and over-carbing. I fell asleep for several hours yesterday evening. The night before I only slept about three or four hours. The past couple of weeks I've only had a couple of night where I slept more than five hours. I'd say I averaged closer to four hours a night. That was the pattern during prior working periods in this life, but it does not bode well for this current working period. I believe the body and the mind will both require a higher average nightly sleep time during this decade of this life. Whether I can maintain anything close to eight hours is to be seen, but I definitely find the mind and eyes and the overall working experiencing somewhat more cloudy or foggy when I get just four hours sleep.

I started an entry yesterday either just before or just after I started the bowel purge. It started out quite clever and amusing. I lost interest rather quickly and quite suddenly (as opposed to just quickly and suddenly) and I do not feel like sitting and writing today. The body is tired. Slightly achy. Uncomfortable. Not just the anal area, but the core and shoulders are fatigued. Weird. I do feel dehydrated, so I am pouring water into the mouth. The physical state feeling is likely the accumulation of lack of sleep, the overdose of carbs, and the after-effects of the anesthesia medication and fasting for two days.

Also loneliness and general grumpiness that sometimes accompanies loneliness at this current stage of life. It is still very much a wonderful life, but I still want to share the intimacies of unconditional trust as well as sharing the simple daily life (as if you did not know that since all these words is the proof of those very desires), so some days I am grumpy about the solitude (while still treasuring it). Today is one of those days. Only the one or family would be welcome today. I need to find a replacement for Jackson, since I have no family close now and the search for the one continues to be as fruitless as a plastic xmas tree.

I notice today that this place, The Maharaja's "Pad" as he calls it, is a closed environment. Windows never open. The patio door is broken so it does not open. The front door has no screen door, so leaving it open is leaving the front door open (not wise unless sitting in the entry area). There is no comfortable seating there or anywhere, actually. The front living room has one chair, a old plastic non-reclining desk chair, and a few small old pillows. Floor sitting, like in other countries or the 1960s, which is cool as I laid out my 1990's home that way - but I had dozens of pillows of all shapes and sizes while here there is just a few small old pillows. The back living room has an old futon. That's it. Since I've been here, now starting the fourth month, there has been one visitor (a one night couch surfer). The Maharaja is rarely home, leaving shortly after waking and returning 15-18 hours later just to head into his room. We talk before he leaves and when he gets home if I am awake and the conversation is friendly and caring, but this house is not used for much more than storage and sleeping. Cleanliness has improved a lot as I use and clean the kitchen and bathroom regularly and he tells me he approeciates that. Comfort, fresh air, and socialization are lacking. It is a stopping off point, a place to visit for a while, but not a home. I believe he wants it this way as it suits him. He is on couch-surfing networks and has had visitors from all over the world who have slept in the bed I am using (or in the other bedroom which is his rarely used office - storage room where there is a twin foam mattress on the floor).

So I wandered around to try to remedy the closed-in cooped-up environment and now, I sit in the living room chair a few feet from the front door. I opened the front door and the side door off the kitchen and placed two large boxes (one from his neighbor's 50 inch TV and one from my bedroom desk chair) in front of them to block any critter access (neighbors cats have visited the two times we've had doors open before) and I am enjoying fresh air on this beautiful day. If I was to stay here more permanently, the next step would be to get a more comfortable living room chair and a comfortable outdoor chair as he has a carport, a side porch, and a backyard. The only use any of that space gets is storage and parking his car in the carport.

This light Leveno 100S coupled with the lightweight fan "table" under it (they fit perfectly... did I by it or did Jackson buy it for me?) is perfect for moving around, though I must use a different file and file system as I have the default "Save" going to one of my external drives and I unplugged the USB port (into which two external drives and other things are plugged), but for writing this is great. I'd need the mouse and more comforts for for more permanent greatness... still, the fresh air is wonderful.

The delight of fresh air and a different writing space wears off quickly when the chair is uncomfortable and the desire for sharing more is strong as it is today.

So I napped.

Excel woke me with a text letting me know they were going to Curly's place for cards and so I woke up and am heading over there.

More later, narf :)

Friday, February 10, 2017

Wrap Around Distractions

So I slept a few hours and woke (hey, I'm not gonna wet the bed as long as I can help it, sheesh lol). The medications are doing their thing and I hope to get a little more sleep, but I know myself and I will likely not. There is no couch to lay on while watching TV and I can't turn it up loud enough to listen from the bed, so I sit up watching with the headphones on and this chair is not comfortable enough to sleep in. It's a comfortable desk chair for working at a desk though. So I shall do what i do, wrap myself in distractions.

All that linkage of Florida maps left me with memories of Charlie, the worst of the four hurricanes that blasted through here in 2004. So much has happened since then it feels like a whole other lifetime. I was still a youngster according to everyone shocked when they asked my age. Gray hair certainly stereotypes pone as old in our culture. A whole lot of other memories fly around, living with Rasputin and Precious. Heck, I did not even know Jackson well at that point, mostly just passing in the halls at the hospital where we both worked though I did go to her Superbowl parties those years. We started sharing an office in 2006 and that is when we got closer. Memories are great for distraction and that is what I am plugging into the brain today.

I really do have a great respect for the people of Bhutan.

Yes, the reality of life for the moment is not where I wish to be. The process of cleaning out the intestinal tract has begun and it is not much fun. Three pills then a ton of laxative then more pills and a whole lot of fluids. That's the plan for the day and the results will linger through the night. I will probably babble on about it incessantly in spite of the physical discomfort.

I have a strange mind. I tend to have a rather strange perspective on just about everything and that is partly because I have a relatively infinite sense of humor and enjoy amusing myself by gathering information from everywhere and letting my mind put pieces together as it will (especially when I am experiencing a challenge of any kind). I am picturing the wicked witch of the west sitting on the toilet squirming and crying out "my insides are melting, melting,... oh what a world" but then, I did mention a strange mind.

I am feeling cumulative fatigue already. Sixteen hours at the computer with just a few short breaks on Monday cleaning up the data. It is a painstakingly tedious task, or series of many such painstakingly tedious tasks. I piled on hour Monday through Wednesday so I could take most of Thursday and all of Friday off. Did I mention that somewhere already?

The job is fun for me, actually, but it will not pay the bills as it is, so I check the mailbox for news of other jobs daily. Nothing certain so far, but the Safety Officer job is still looking good based on the communications from their HR department. I got another email from the HR person for the state. She said they are waiting for approvals and apologized for the process being so slow and expects an answer early next week. She said they can't make a conditional offer without the approvals but it sounded like they want to make a conditional offer.

Part of me would like to stay in the easy convenient place, but realistically, I am not living comfortably in this cramped space. Even more, the monotony of the job and the type of work, managing a sales force, would drive me crazy after a while. Still, it's fun and very convenient for now.

The colonoscopy continues to slip into consciousness. All along I've said that I'm just going to let what happens happen Friday. I told them I don't have transportation and I don't want the total anesthesia. I believe they will do what they want to do. I'm ambivalent as I really don't want the anesthesia and would not be too upset if they refused to do the procedure. So many risks and discomforts (links will appear somewhere if they have not already) and three days of life turned upside down without pay. I know, be grateful for the charity. I am, but still, what will be will be.

The bowel purge is not easy to avoid, but I'm determined to wrap myself in distraction. I did all this reading about politics (ok, I lied, I lost interest after the first few paragraphs), but I did learn about the new tea party which may just be the left wing's radical answer to the right wing's radical nonsense. People and their control issues are destroying this country, this planet, and life itself. Distraction should be less serious than this.

Maybe I should watch some more TV, but I caught up on the CBS shoes I watch... I found this on Hulu (I am not sure what it is, but I copied the link so I must want to check it out), so that is where I am headed now. Between bathroom trips.

Hope you have fun too.

Narf :)

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Liquid Distraction

Now you might think, given the title, that I've been drinking. Well, I have, my way. The language of our culture saddens me when I realize that "I've been drinking" leads to the assumption that the fluid consumed is alcohol, often in large quantities, and the statement is often apologetic. What a society we've accepted. Anyway, I've been drinking water. Some Gatorade with polyethylene glycol 3350, 64 and 8.3 ounces respectively, but mostly water. I didn't finish the Gatorade, but did consume all of the polyethylene glycol 3350 along with five or six bisacodyl tablets, 5mg each. Sad to realize I've poisoned myself in order to satisfy a doctor. Bad Doctor. Yes, I am heading for a colonostomy tomorrow and the bowel purge has begun.

Some doctors recommend medical treatment for evolution.

Anyway, we are here for distraction so... I left work early (after putting in 40 hours in less than four full work days) and had to go to three stores before finding the poisons prescribed my the doctor to clear the bowels. Target did not have the size or a generic substitute and would have cost me more than $15. CVS wanted more than $20 for the stuff. Walmart had a generic substitute for less than $5 and 88 cents, respectively. Modern medicine plays with poisons, but there is no health care in modern medicine. I mean, there is no one really caring.

Maybe I need more drugs, where is that distraction I ordered?... It is a little bit more than a little bit amazing, maybe a whole lot more, but then, it could just be coincidence and not my mind controlling everything as some parts of the brain (perhaps called ego) might like to believe, but the fact is I am sitting on a fake leather chair that is completely wrong for the conditions this body has endured for the past year or more and the body has cooperated completely so far.

Shhhh, don't jinx it, aye?

Ok, so seeking distraction, I found Earth From Above. looking for mindless images, I found I simply shifted from this body to challenges facing the human race (but it is a step toward distraction so I am going with it because human stupidity is killing us all and we all should remember - yes, you too - yes, even when we have major personal challenges of our own... because the only way our species {that would be your children too} will survive is if we do something about our stupid self-destructive ways).

Did you know that almost a billion people on this planet are starving? Humans grow enough food to feed everyone alive today, yet one out of seven people alive today is starving. That is because the food humans grow is fed to animal instead of people. That is because humans in control of the food would rather eat meat than grain, so food animals get the food while almost a billion humans starve. What kind of species lets that happen?

Ethics, morals, integrity. These are just meaningless words in our times.

So warped is our cultural thinking, that even the supposedly "good" thoughts are suicidal. Take ethanol, for instance. Green fuel? Think again. In Brazil, two out of three cars run on 100% ethanol. Sounds good, but then, to grow the crop that produces the ethanol, huge amounts of water is consumed and vast areas of land, often forests and always a natural ecosytem, need to be cleared. Killed. Deforestation. The pesticides used to keep the crop from being destroyed by bugs flows into rivers and and aquifers. Then there is the processing, the refining process is not good for life on the planet. So switching from fossil fuels to refined plant fuels is not a green process. It is almost as bad for our planet and survival as draining the planet of oil.

I got to thinking about this.

Buffalo Tiger, Indian Chief, lived 87 years in the Everglades. It was very different way back then. Paul Grey lives there and tries to protect the Glades from people. I decided to try to find some sort of visual history of Florida (especially water in South Florida) by searching for maps.

Water in Florida has a history. A very sad history. Just ask google if you care and want to know (or see) more.

Before Columbus there were humans living on this water-blessed land for more than ten thousand years. By the early 1800's, Florida because a shape on the map that slightly resembled it's actual shape. Prior to that, it was a shriveled shell of itself on maps. In 1827, Florida had been divided up into 12 counties. Of course the people living in Florida for all those ten thousand years had to go somewhere. The plan, it seems, was to move them underground.

In 1845, Florida became a state and naturally (gives us pause to reflect on the word), people started mapping it better. By 1856, drainage of the Everglades was well underway. Surveyors were mapping the drying out of the swamp. Florida seceeded from the union in 1861 and was at war with freedom and equality, in case you wondered (many people still are), and there are plenty of maps from that decade. Maps advanced in the 1870's

An Act of Congress in 1877 set the wheels in motion. Some time in the late 1880's Florida went on sale. Central Florida and South Florida for sale in 1888 and beyond. The 1900's bought plenty of maps to choose from as you can see from this all these links right here, aye lol? .

As wet as it seems to most people living most other places in the USA (and non-tropical world, for that matter), by the 1950's, Florida was drying out. As you probably know by now, water is vital to life. Water shortage in Florida? Humans are not the only ones who need water.

. . . o O ( . . . hours later . . . ) O o . . .

Goodness griefness, I do believe that I am officially distracted.


Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Work Nuts

Going nuts from work or being nuts about work or perhaps going nuts over work, I mean, I am not Paul Watson, after all. I do agree that humanity is insane, but I failed in any endeavors to acheive any detached greatness (or self-sufficiency, even) mostly because I want love, but that's another story for another song. This could be a clueless link or maybe it is kismet, a universal sign of understanding from the powers that be here, there, and everywhere. All I know is the link was sitting here in the way of the babble so I included it in the babble as fascinating as that may be, or not to be, but then, maybe it was another question for another time too.

The real crime is that I missed it all because I have no luck or perhaps, ambition. Life is so different for me than for anyone I've ever met, no one even knows the half of it. So I've been stuffing myself with comfort foods full of carbohydrates, simple and complex, and fats or all sorts mostly to bring taste bud euphoria. All other forms of euphoria are less available for reasons beyond my control, though I could get closer if I really wanted to and the babbling is a slightly (or much) healthier form of satisfaction, if not euphoria, that still rolls around now and then.

Meanwhile, crunchy M&Ms are almost as addictive as Nestle's Crunch for me in spite of the planetary rape conducted as business as usual by the company. Worldwide, a tanker crashes and spills oil into the oceans every three days. The vast majority of deep sea animals are gelatinous, I mean, in case you ever wondered. Frozen water and one ton of pressure per square inch and life survives and we complain about our lot in life.

Just getting homes from a sixteen hour day at the computer fixing the dabase. I won't be working Friday or half the day Thursday because I have the colonoscopy appointment on Friday, so I am packing as many hours as I can into Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week. I will skip cards Thursday evening and may skip cards tomorrow. Earning money and rest must take precedence.

So tired. Sixteen hours at the computer with just a few short breaks. Cleaning up the data is a painstakingly tedious task, or series of many such painstakingly tedious tasks. Gonna sleep soon.

The job is fun for me, actually, but it will not pay the bills as it is, so I check the mailbox for news of other jobs daily. Nothing so far. Part of me would like to stay in the easy convenient place, but realistically, I am not living comfortably in this camped space and the monotony of the job would drive me crazy after a while. Still, it's fun and very convenient for now.

I'm just going to let what happens happen Friday. I told them I don't have transportation and I don't want the total anesthesia, they will do what they want to do. I'm ambivalent as I really don't want the anesthesia. So many risks and discomforts and three days of life turned upside down without pay. I know, be grateful. I am, but still, what will be will be.

I want to go in early again tomorrow, 6am or earlier, so i am going to sleep now. The brain is so tired, I am not even sure I am making any sense lol.

nite nite... I think.

narf :)

Monday, February 6, 2017

Sports Nuts

Well, maybe not the right term, but definitely something missing from my immediate social life. That was one of the strongest bonds for Jackson and I, the love of sports. Of the people with whom I regularly hang out or talk to, none are into watching sports. None are into discussing sports. That is missing.

It is not as if I watch sports often or regularly. I watch sports occasionally. I'd much rather play than watch. I watch the World Series some years. Watching sports is more a social experience for me, though I transcend into a fan as I am watching. I love numbers and statistics and accomplishments, so I am drawn to that aspect of games. I love consistent dedication to excellence, so I am drawn to specific athletes more than specific teams. Joe Montana, for instance, is one of my favorite athletes. Mariano Rivera is another. For the last fifteen years or so, Tom Brady has been one of my favorite athletes. Against all odds a relatively unknown sixth round draft choice steps up and becomes one of the greatest quarterbacks ever to play the game and more, he does it with an ever changing cast of players around him. I can think of no one else who did that.

So when a favorite player makes it to a championship, I want to watch. When there is talk of a great team, I want to watch to see how great they are. Unfortunately, I have not had TV access for the past year so I missed some championships I would have immensely enjoyed. After feeling Jackson's pain over her beloved Cubbies year after year for so many years, it would have been so sweet to a once-in-a-lifetime event - watching her Cubs win their first World Series in over a hundred years. I watched it from the street at an outdoor sports bar and felt good, but so alone it hurt.

For many years we watched the Superbowl together and with Brady in it going for a record fifth Superbowl ring, tonight's game was tough to miss. I did not want to go out and watch with strangers. I did not want to go to a Superbowl party with the new boss (he has a 105 inch screen). I chose to stay home and watch A TV show about the environment on Hulu while checking the score on the NFL website. I couldn't find a radio station airing the game, which is the highest form of greed as radio has never charged like pay per view (pay per listen?) in my experience before. I hate that aspect of professional sports and that is the primary reason I stopped supporting the industry.

I enjoy the specific players I choose to admire though, so I was sad to see the score in the second quarter as Brady was down 21-0 with 7 of those points coming on a pick-6, a mistake Brady made directly. Next time I checked it was 28-3 and I could imagine most people wrote the game off.

Beyond wishing Jackson would share her love of sports with me the way she used to, I feel lonely when I want to share sports because, as I said, I don't have close friends (the friends I call whenever just to say hello and talk are few) into sports.
She texted a couple of times during the game (she was rooting for Atlanta because I believe Brandi is an Atlanta fan), but I did not want to tell her I was not able to watch or listen because I did not want to trigger her guilt (as she would likely feel guilty for not helping me watch the game by inviting me over). Yes, that is real.

Anyway, I enjoyed the environmental show (though it was somewhat heavy-handed anti-pollution propaganda... I do agree with people like Paul Watson and in my more radical moments, support his actions... in my most radical moments, I support a complete reset of our species starting with our government and wholly expect nature to set that into motion in the next century or few, but I digress).

Suddenly I saw a text from Jackson that read "OT Holy Crap." I checked the NFL website (it is way too memory-greedy to keep open on this 2GB Celeron notepad as are most sports sites, even the less biased ones) and sure enough, Brady worked one more miracle and the score was 28-28. I read the recap and listened to sports announcers on a radio station (turned them off quickly, they are mostly arrogant egocentric talking heads more interested in what they have to say and how something affects them and most of all, making excuses, complaining, and proving they were right at all costs than reporting anything accurately or without bias {might as well listen to this guy lol} or read my babble about the game, aye? lam). Sure enough, in spite of the stupid talking heads claiming the game was all about Matt Ryan (Atlanta's QB) and their team choking, Brady threw completed passes for two successful drives and two two-point conversions in the last ten minutes of the game to tie the score. It was Joe Montana all over again.

I will give kudos to a a Panther's fan who wrote this summary which I believe is as accurate and unbiased as I've been able to find:

The greatest quarterback and coach in NFL history pulled out the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history.

If there was ever any doubt about Tom Brady and Bill Belichick’s place atop that list, they secured it by pulling off a remarkable 34-28 overtime victory against the Atlanta Falcons in a Super Bowl LI for the ages Sunday night.

Brady completed a record 43 of 62 passes for 466 yards (another record) as the Patriots (17-2) erased a 25-point, second-half deficit to win the first overtime game in Super Bowl history.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick won their fifth Super Bowl ring. Brady was named Super Bowl MVP for a fourth time.

Or something like that.

Anyway, I am sad I missed the game, especially the last quarter. I am sad I have no sports friends (considering all the softball teams I play on, perhaps I am being anti-social or as jackson would say, "to picky", huh?). I am sad I don't have TV when I want it (but don't miss it enough to want to pay the extortion the cable monopolies demand (on demand, no less... pay to watch commercials... more on that later). I am sad the world is being destroyed by human beings.

Otherwise, it's been a great night. lol lam :)

At least I might be able to watch some of the commercials (what a culture we've created, huh?... you've got to pay someone to sell you something... maybe... I suppose I could read about them for free if I wanted to) if I buy a better computer (the site overloaded this notepad).

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Time For Me (not)

I shall cheat by repeating words from letters to J when they summarize life as this blog is meant to do. I have not made time for any web browsing since starting the new job, so there are no comments or other positings to steal from. There is simply a bottleneck in the brain and I am very thankful J is corresponding because that helps keep words flowing.

So there is not much time for me and the blogs show it. I've taken to babbling only as there is not enough time to feel organized for brevity in my head these days (in case it matters... and if it does matter and only read the briefer daily blog, you found me here and I appreciate that).

I helped Helen with yard work today and tomorrow I'll be helping the softball league try to get new players. Monday through Friday is 16-18 hour days, busy busy bisy (except for Wednesday which I reserve for sleeping 10+ hours cuz I'd really like this body to survive a little while longer in this life).

Helping Helen with yard work today, I realized for the umpteenth time that I am not normal. She seemed surprised I had no problem loading and unloading more than a dozen big bags of mulch. I guess people my age are not suppose to be doing that lol. I didn't think twice about it. She cleaned and refilled a couple of bird feeders she has in her yard.

Still, I must make more time for sleep. Maybe two card nights a week is going to cut down to one some weeks. My intention to stop before midnight didn't happen either night this week. Thursday night Excel's son was in a car accident after 11pm and we all went out to help. I didn't get home until after 2am. He and his girlfriend are ok. I put him on the phone with the sponsor of my Sunday softball team who is a personal injury lawyer with the biggest firm in the area so he could have a resources for questions. His car may be totaled and he was sitting at a red light and hit from behind hard enough to push him into the car in front of him

I've already cut my softball down to one night a week and I am not liking that. Friday nights without softball seem quite wrong these days. I must not let that become negative and appreciate the me time it could be. I just have been into conforming a lot more than I usually do and feeling the loneliness and conditioned by our culture to think of Friday and Saturday nights as social nights and in my current life schedule they are more solitary resting nights because I get so little time for myself I am torn between socializing and me-time.

So this weekend I gave myself me-time in the evenings.

Maybe a bit too much TV time as TV time is great distraction time, but me-time is letting the worlds flow and eating healthy and exercising and long hot showers and so on. I am not accomplishing much of any of that lately. So this may very well be a bit of a reprimand for me to remind me that I am a much happier camper when I take care of me better. Lose weight, exercise more, eat fewer calories, write more, breath deeper, remember to be in the moment and keep open to everything.

A bunch of entries were uploaded into this babbling blog tonight. Mostly blah blah blah babbling as opposed to profound revelation babbling, but hey, someday the editors and publishers will cull the best of the babble and the genius shall shine through. Maybe in a few hundred years. Or on another planet. If we survive as a species long enough to evolve beyond our fears. And if blogspot servers are still available to the public. One of these days I ought to print out all of my online writings for posterity, I mean, just in case the internet crashes and can't be recovered someday. So many ifs, aye?

I am laughing at my mockery of everything I think. Especially ay my own over-bloan sense of importance. Kind of like the characters in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy if you know what I mean.

I forgot about the colonoscopy until J and Helen asked. They won't be happy with me at the hospital, but I'm going to show up for the tests and let them know I will be picked up. Helen said she would do it. I think it's a scam that they want to do general anesthetic (so they can charge more - that is what is wrong with American medicine).

If it was not free I would be shopping around for a doctor that respected a patient's wishes instead of treating the patient with no respect. I want a local so I can see the screen as they do the procedure. The last one I had done at another hospital did it that way and I could drive myself there and home. It's not like they are monitoring my dropping iron levels or actually monitoring my health. He didn't order new blood tests so we shall see if they do it this time.

I am still grateful for the free service though.

Jackson and Brandi went to see Billy Joel a few nights ago and she sent me a couple of videos. She mentioned that she is bored living far away from the city in a rather rural area. I know she prefers a city or town-center life. I hope she finds a balance and does not repeat the self-destructive habits that have undermined and ended every close relationship she's ever had. I am here to help in any way I can, but she apparently is fine and does not need anything from me. At least I hope so. I'd be quite sad if she was in need in any way and did not consider me someone she could turn to. It would lend credence to the voice that says she just used me for convenience all those years. After all, I am not family, really, in her mind and I know she does not want to depend on me for anything. Not great for my self-esteem, but whatever.

She seems ok with the distance that has grown between us. Maybe she knows I know her too well and does not want to be cared about as I care or asked how she is as she tends to hide things from herself. We text a few times a week and then she suddenly sends me a "nite nite love ya" text as if we're still close. She may forget that she told me to stop those daily rituals. Maybe she misses me from time to time and wants to be sure I am still here for her. She texted a few times today and played Words with Friends when Brandi was taking a nap.

The Maharaja asks about the job search, but has not brought up formally being roommates, rent, or moving out even though I've brought it up a few times and he sad we'll talk about it. I am guessing that he prefers it non-committal. He seems very solitary in his life and ways.

So life is still kind of on hold in many ways. At least there is income (though I have not seen a check yet and they said they pay every Friday so I should have had one day of pay on Friday... I'll see if they remember that this week), however minimal it may be.

I'll leave a work summary for another entry cuz I want to move a bit. Sitting at a computer for 10-12 hours a day at the office leaves the body with less tolerance for sitting for long periods at home. The babbler frowns and demands equal time. I laugh.

I hope this babbling finds you well and smiling. If I can do anything to inspire a bigger smile, please do let me know.

Narf :)

Saturday, February 4, 2017


Then there is work. Perhaps I need to start a worklife blog as I did almost two decades ago when I returned to work after almost a decade of fun and frolic and torture and turmoil during my second early retirement period. If there was only time. Then again, do I want to empower the work life that much? I laugh, but I also ponder wide-eyed oh no! and with a wild streak of get me the heck out of here? lol.

Michael came to meet with me on Friday as he said he would. After about ten minutes of productive conversation I felt we were done and Michael agreed. He agreed with my suggestions and thanked me. Just then a flustered Dwight came and stood at the cubicle doorway blocking Michael's exit and started talking. The next forty minutes were a waste of time. He did his best to take over any discussion and several times Michael said he has to go and Dwight just continued rambling and repeating himself and trying to tell Michael what was best and how good he is and continued trying to tell me what to do looking to Michael for support. Michael and I just sat there most of the 40 minutes.

I am not sure Michael actually understood the dynamic. Afterward I suggested to Michael that the next time he wants to meet with me we should set an agenda and do it behind closed doors because I'd rather have shorter meetings and get more work done than just sit and listen to Dwight all day. Michael nodded.

What Michael may not see is that Dwight started talking to people in the office from the moment he arrived about 10am and literally did not stop talking, moving from cubicle to cubicle until after 1pm. He does not have conversations and does not impart anything new or productive, he just throws out ideas and ideals and pipe dreams and talks. It's no wonder everyone does their best to tune him out and the few with offices close their doors. He is such an unproductive waste of time and distraction in an open office. If it keeps up I'll just get less done and explain why to Michael. Michael might have some clue as he gave me a key to the place when I told him I'd come in when it was quieter to get work done if I had access.

The end result of the meeting is we will do it my way. Michael agreed with the points I made before Dwight inserted himself and Dwight's rambling didn't change that. After a while Dwight pretended to agree and tried to claim my ideas as what he's been saying all along (not even close) but was obviously flustered and unhappy. He didn't look at me at all, focused on Michael and trying to sell Michael on his ideas. No sale.

I learned that he has poor physical boundaries. He reached across me a few times to point at the computer screen after I did and he tried to take over my computer a few times nudging my hand off my mouse to try to make points with Michael. I asked him to not interrupt and respect personal space. He acted offended but backed off. In the end, I told Michael what I thought the next steps towards the goals should be and Michael repeated them to Dwight. Dwight repeated them back to Michael a few times as if he didn't believe it or thought they might change.

It was comical and still quite sad.

Unfortunately, Michael will be very sad and probably feel betrayed when I leave, but I doubt I'll stay there long even if the Safety officer job does not come through. $10 an hour and depending on that dysfunctional office to provide me with commissions is not going to cut it. I don't know if he'll offer me more to stay, but it would have to be a whole lot more and an office of my own and a change in my "reporting to Dwight" for me to even consider it.

I stayed until 10pm Friday and got more work done after the office emptied out at 6pm than I did all week. The database is about 60% valid now, instead of of the 10% when I started. It is so very much like The Office in so many ways, the universe must have known I was watching the show online.

So how's your worklife?

Narf :)

Friday, February 3, 2017

Told Ya I Must

I believe it was after writing the entry before the last entry, though it might have been after writing a previous entry and in fact, the words most likely were integrated to or from a letter to J, I wrote something like this that I believes was more likely from and to a letter to J, perhaps in some futile attempt to form some reasonable explanation for the babble, but then, it could have been something else (though not entirely), Yes, so the that coming up did not originally mean this paragraph, I mean, in case someone is keeping score or trying to follow along verbatim or something like that. I sometimes have high hopes, I know.

That (being the that referred to in the previous paragraph) is the latest babbling blog entry and definitely needs tweaking as I did not even re-read it, no less edit it for clarity or anything, which does happen from time to time as I endeavor to continue my never-ending quest for truth, justice, and my way on my way to the dream loosely mentioned in the previous entry and most other babblings more often than not and who wants to be more often in not than in not not, after all) and it should give you some idea of what life is like now that the the work experience has been reintegrated into life after the first four days on the new job. It is simple, very tedious database work that I can do in my sleep, but every interruption slows the process (and can undo processes I am working on). They obviously do not have a clue about concentration to task in that office. As a wanna-be professional babbler I know as well as anyone that babbling is not a productive style in a working for profit environment.

I did get email set up thanks to the CFO who emailed me at my personal email with instructions on how to set up the computer. He was concerned that I was using someone else's log-in and said he would work on fixing that. Apparently he is the only one with any computer security awareness or tech savvy and common sense at this place. Too bad he is in Japan for two months.

Then there was more cards after work. Less me time, less sleep. So I will attempt to find me-time at work today. While far from ideal, I shall earn some money today which is better than sitting here earning no money just searching for jobs.

And the following was written specifically to J, but it now edited and expanded for you, dear readers, (and everyone) as I wish something similar for everyone because tha is part of why I am, or something like it. I hope these words (referring to the semi-flood of this night and also referring on a larger scale to the flood that is the written gardens in most years of this life) find you well and are not too much babbling for you.

I hope my caring inspires your smile even if you are not having a great day. I wish there was more I could do to help brighten your day (in spite of what might seem like darkness or madness in my babbling about work or loneliness or anything from time to time, or way too often for some, I am really quite happy and amused at the moment, even at work, as I am getting paid to play with databases and Excel and those are things I love to do.

As for work, if you ever can watch The Office, just call me Jim lol (I didn't really start enjoying the show until the middle to end of the second season because it took that long for me to really start liking the Jim and Pam characters enough to want to see what happens next, but I watched 7 of the seasons so far and am more amused than bored mostly because I had nothing else to do for so long and I am amused by nonsense. All that's missing from my "office" is a Pam to make my current job an even more fun experience.

So I suggest we all just take some slow deep breaths for a few minutes and every now and then, even if there is pain or it is challenging to do. It is important to stretch your diaphragm and shoulders to maintain flexible posture and keep the spinal nerves from becoming obstructed or otherwise distracted from carrying the messages back and forth from the body to the brain and vice versa. May you give all of your your muscles some energy and push them being what is comfortable at least once a day for at least ten minutes, thirty if possible, the more the merrier, as much as you can.

Keeping the body from atrophying in this universe where entropy is king may be challenging, but I believe you know that too much stillness can make even more pain for the body and more confusion for the mind than anyone really wants or needs. So I am encouraging you to dance, just a bit, in some small way (even if it is in bed).

Take good care of you. I must head out the door now.

Caring all the way. :)

Narf :)

Frickin Frackin Fruithead

Anything but, fruit, that is. I ate a small package of baby carrots and then... and then... and then... a can of cheesy burger macaroni and then... and then... and then... two Dove chocolate bars and then... and then... and then... a can of chicken alfrado pasta and then... and then... and then... a can of cheese ravioli and then... and then... and then... three packages of crispy M & Ms and then... and then... and then...

I want more.

I watched an episode of Big Bang Theory and then... and then... and (ok, that's getting old). I watched an episode of Criminal Minds and then (just once) I watched an episode of NCIS: Los Angeles and I am just getting started. maybe. I hope to be sleepy soon.

Yesterday I woke up with a stomach ache. Bloated. After 11 hours sleep. I will likely wake up i the same state tomorrow if I get some sleep tonight since I ate so much in the last hour and I just might eat more. I am tethered to the speaker by a headphone wire so I can't reach the chocolate unless I pause the show and I already did that two or three times so I am trying to show a bit of restraint.

And now I am fighting sleep. Madness is my friend, even if it kills me.

I want something to drink that isn't water
but there is nothing to drink that isn't water
so I drank water

Yesterday I wrote the bit of bluesy babble above and while it did not kill me, it did put me to sleep. The stubborn child is demanding me time and the schedule is allowing no me time except a few moments before leaving for work and however much time can be stolen from sleep time after the daily activities are completed. Simply daily needs like washing, shaving, dressing, and such are rushed at best. Finding time for basics like laundry, cleaning, shopping, is going to be challenging. Yup, the stupid working life blues are returning so be prepared for some of the most banal or ridiculous (amusing or not) babbling in the history of this life for I was so much younger then and I'm older than that now.

I never fell in love with a farmer's daughter
so I can't tell you what that life may have taught her
so I drank water

So there is nothing concrete in my mind except the desire to share me somehow and when sleep is swarming the brain like a pack of bees (or is it being my brain like a pack or swarm?... words are such interesting friends), nonsense intertwines with the flow of thoughts and the deepest desires come out in some of the strangest ways. Does the farmer's daughter represent innocence, perhaps, and the water, perhaps it's a while lot deeper than we are at the moment? Meanwhile, just n case you are wondering what I want on my tombstone, here is one suggestion.

After all was said and done,
I know I had more fun.

Though I sometimes forget where I put it sometimes. like is a barrel of laughs in rhymes. We will rock you too. We are singing solo again, so we is the dream that rolls through my sleep and haunts me when I am awake. The primary reason I do not sleep unless I feel I gave myself sufficient me time is the haunting. Sleeping without attemting to share is too much apathy for me/ All these words are attempting to share. Haven't you gotten that memo yet? Oh, the places we could go...

With perspicacity so subtle to be simultaneously mocked and missed.
Life presents few opportunities to want to be kissed
So I resist.

Not much time for more this week, later.

Narf. :)

Because I Must

Babble, that is... the babbler must release the words and all will be well... even if it kills me I will die happy. When I don't give myself this time to write I lose my way... so sleep will be put off again... zzzzzz for another day.

Just getting home from Bridge night. Excel's son was in a car accident and we all went to the scene because the other driver was trying to leave because he appeared a little drunk and admitted he was texting and Excel wanted support when the guy's wife and friends showed up. We hung out for an hour before the cops arrived, one state trooper. It was shift change. The driver who wanted to leave hit Excel's son's car from behind while her son was sitting at a red light. That pushed him into the car in front of him and his car may be totaled. He has back pain. I called the sponsor of my Sunday softball team who is a personal injury lawyer with the biggest firm in the area and put Excel's son on the phone with him. Good to have a friend who takes legal calls at midnight. They talked and they will talk more in the morning. The poor kid just bought that brand new car, his first brand new car. He and his girlfriend both felt sore and I urged them to see a doctor tomorrow.

So we ended Bridge early, which was my plan, but still just getting home.

Not much time for me these days. Stealing time from sleep again, just like when I was younger and in a body that could handle this. I have a meeting with the owner of the company tomorrow to discuss my concrns about the decisions my supervisor is making. I need to be awake enough to find clarity and brevity. Sleep soon, but I am hungry. My eyes are blurry more often these days. Fatigue. High sugar levels. Stress. Age. Not enough dancing, singing, and time for me.

Chocolate, I have chocolate. Gonna get fatter tonight, but it'll put me to sleep. Shhhh.

I see I will need to rearrange my writing times and squeeze some writing time in at work during lunch or breaks (I don't go anywhere for lunch anyway... in fact I must start bringing lunch). The work and play schedule is full every day of the week until Friday evening. I guess I should be happy the Friday softball team is taking this short winter season off. I didn't make it to Saturday morning Senior softball last week. I wanted more me time. And rest. I have stuff to do with Helen this Saturday. She is stressing over cable bills. The cable companies have vulture tactics going on around here since Spectrum took over Brighthouse. Sunday I have Softball. Next weekend I have an out of town tournament.

No wonder I am tired. Let's look at this week.

Monday was awake out out of here 7:30am and got back here 11:00pm... the routine is wake, shower, type a few words, dress, work, then evening activities. Monday it was shop, softball, and write-relax-rest until I fell asleep. Tuesday was similar, 7:30am - 1:30am as I went to cards right after work and got back here at late and there is no going straight to bed except on rare occasions. Life is too short for that. Both days I watched some TV to unwind and got about 4 hours sleep. Wednesday was crash day as I got home at 7pm, ate, and laid down for sleep just after 8pm. 11 hours sleep later I repeated the morning routine and headed out the door. Today was the same as Tuesday with cards and the accident described above.

Definitely must make more me time and more writing time for my continued sanity.

Thank goodness I feel compelled to write to J regularly as she gives me the reason I need to push myself to sit at the computer and type more words. I would likely not do it for myself every day and then I would get wonky and funky and cloudy and all the downbeat whining and blah blah blah would start (what?... when did it ever end?... you must be reading me too much, please fill out the questionnaire and deposit ten cents to continue).

Yes, the writing keeps me happy in spite of the most insane challenges. Like people.

Laughter is still some of the best medicine and I am heavily medicated once again. So I popped open a can of Cheesy Burger macaroni (on sale for 80 cents) and shall watch a bit of internet TV with a bit of chocolate and that ought to lull me into sleep. Some people take pills. Drugs are in the food, people, why waste money on other poisons, aye?

Hoping you are happy with your life.

Narf. :)

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Losing Interest

Well, my patience ran out sooner than I ancicipated as I started diving into my new job the third morning there because it was the first time I had trial period access to the database I was hired to analyze and manage. Unfortunately, Dwight came to interrupt me when he got in and told me to stop doing my job so I could do his job his way. Since I was hired primarily because he has not been able to do what I was hired to do for a couple of years, he may see me as his assistant and not understand that he does not understand why I was hired, which is because he does not understand how to do what I was hired to do. His worst habit is to ramble on the way the babbler babbles. That is fine for glogging in a babbling blog like this, but it is innefficient and extremely counter-productive in most work settings.

After listening to him repeat his list of tasks for me to do for the fourth time (the list he gave me when I arrived, the same task has been sitting next to me repeating for the first two days I was there while I did not have the tools with which to do any work ... like a place to sit and work, a computer, a monitor, a phone, an email address, access to punch in on their online time clock, a pen or paper or single office supply, a list of the people {employees} I am supposed to interact with in order to get my job done {no less introductions}, the structure of the company I am supposed to help improve, and did I mention the database?), I asked him to let me get to working on what is asking for.

He repeated it again as if I was an idiot and said he does not think I understand what he wants which lead to a few exchanges about why I was hired to which he responding "you don't have to be snippy" and walked away. He returned later to tell me he would be out of the office for the day and probably following day and handed me another typed list of tasks. The friend, Tinman, let the boss, Michael, know and Michael asked me about Dwight so I let him know that Dwight talks way too much, rambles and repeats the simplest tasks over and over, does not stay on topic therein becoming more condusing than helpful, and is micromanaging to the point where I will not be able to accomplish what he (Michael) asked me to do. I added that the reason no one uses the contact manager database is Dwight teaches poorly and wastes a lot of time jumping around tasks rather than having a clear, concise, and well ordered (logical) instructions that make sense.

Michael said he would talk to Dwight. A bit later Michael called and said Dwight had complaints about me but he was not specific. I responded by pointing out that is exactly what I meant. He said Dwight is 50 years old and we are not going to chaange him. I said that's fine, just decide whether you wanted me to be Dwight's assistant and continue the unsuccessful approach he's taken for two years or whether you want me to do the job you hired me to do. Michael said we just had to get along and I should work with Dwight, but he said he did not want me to be his assistant. I said then Dwight needs to stop interrupting me, micromanaging me, and handing me lists of tasks that prevent me from doing what I was hired to do.

A bit later Dwight handed me another list of tasks he wanted me to do and I tossed the paper aside and continued working. He stood there trying to engage me in conversation for ten minutes and I asked him to stop interrupting and let me continue working several times before he finally nudged my hand off my mouse and said let me just show you what I want. I sat back and forty minutes later, after he repeated himself several times and wandered off on the many other tasks and completely undid where I was in my work with the database, I went to lunch.

After lunch I started over again.

Michael will get the nothing he wants out of me unless Dwight is told to stop. Michael is just so non-confrontative that it will take days or weeks for this to be clear, so I'll just hang out and let it play out because there is no fixing what is wrong with this small business since Dwight is what is wrong with it and Dwight is, according to michael, to be the Sales Manager in Michael's plan for growing the business. Everyone of the people Dwight would then be supervising have already told me that no one listens to Dwight because he just rambles on and it's been going on for years, so I guess I saw that for myself in my first few days. The dysfunction is worse than the TV show The Office.

Hopefully the HR person who asked for my references on Friday will call about Safety Officer position soon.

Not much time for more this week, later.

Narf. :)

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Repeating Routines

Some time last week I started this entry and I believe there are missing days that might be where this entry is inserted so if you missed it because you don't click backwards in blog time to see if there are any entries inserted after you already read the current entry then oh well, you may never read this but just in case you are closer to insatiable like me and those closest to me...

I wonder if this was already uploaded somewhere. I maybe I sent it to J. In any case, there is a sense of deja vu that may be passed along to you if you have been with me for a while. My hope, as always, is to let whatever is in my head out so it can be processed, understood, and resolved so life can end up in a smile.

Or something like that.

It is another morning and the routine starts again. The madness of the rat race that depletes the poet's pen. A quest for paper wealth that leads to moral bankruptcy. An addiction to consumption that destroys humanity. And the cow cries moo and the horse just sighs and the pig and what do we do with our big eyes destroy the Earth pray to the skies pretending we are right and wise. As if a smile is adequate disguise. As if we do not know we live in lies.

Yup, another morning and I woke with the alarm on time and took a hot shower and stumbled into rhyme as I just sat down here to release the reflection and prapare myself for more meaningless rejection as that seems to be the way humans want it to be in this reality... it never made sense to me.

Thank goodness for a friend who understands so I don't feel so alone (and I refer to J at the moment, as no one else is interested in staying close to me these days. Jackson is drifting farther away with each passing moment. It does seem that the Maharaja is so used to being alone and focused primarily on intellectual explorations almost every hour of the day and night (admirable and he seems quite genuinely happy, though not the balanced life experience I seek) that I am not sure if he shares the depths of an emotional life with anyone. My cards playing friends all have their ways of (and reasons for) staying on the surface emotionally. It could be that in spite of the drama I see so much online and in life, the surface is where most people simply want to be.

Sigh... and I long for sharing the deepest depths of everything.

This never lasts... waking with enough time to write a few words, that is. Especially when I do not like the job. I'll be waking at the last moment and rushing out the door any day now, but today, again, I have a few moments (fewer than yesterday).

I thank J for caring enough to motivate me to send more words to her and to the universe.

So I send her and you and everyone everywhere another smile and thank you for any positive energy you might send out too as the bittersweet irony of a life of pain that keeps some of you home is that you do not have to spend most of your time pretending that some paper-pushing quest for money is not insane. While I imagine anyone who has not choice but to stay home due to physical limitations wishes they could be out in the world much more, anyone with any real sense understands they would not enjoy being immersed in the madness as it is more than enough just to glance at the news now and then to turn the stomach and pound sorrow into the mind.

I wrote this upon waking...

It is another morning and the routine starts again.
The madness of the rat race that depletes the poet's pen.
A quest for paper wealth that leads to moral bankruptcy.
An addiction to consumption that destroys humanity.

And the cow cries moo and the horse just sighs
and the pig and what do we do with our big eyes
destroy the Earth, pray to the skies
pretending we are right and wise.

As if a smile is adequate disguise.
As if we do not know we live in lies.

Yup, it is another morning and I woke with the alarm on time and took a hot shower and stumbles into rhyme as I just sat down here to release the reflection and prepare myself for more meaningless rejection as that seems to be the way humans want it to be in this reality... it never made sense to me. While more entries await in the pipeline, this entry is here to start today with a smile and hopefully keep me from succumbing to the madness. Reminders are good. :)

Time to make the donuts?... Time to go insane again. lol. lam...

Luckily the babbler still inspires my smile :)

As I wrote to J just a few moments ago, as the words sing my hope for everyone too...

I send you hope for more comfort and less pain.
May peaceful painless thoughts embrace you
as love refills your brain with a soothing refrain,
This is my wish for everyone too.

Hug. :)